Hey again!
As always, thanx so much for reading and for the feedback.
I finally am able to post again, not because im allowed to but because there's finally no one around to see me. It might be a while till the post after this, depending on how long it takes for me to get another time to log in without getting caught, but to make up for it I have 3 chapters for you tonight ( i was busy at school when i was supposed to be taking notes)
Disclaimer: same as usual, you know the drill
Rating: low PG-13 (really PG except for a couple of intense scenes in chapters 5+6)
Warning: Sorry to say that this is also big with the angst. I'd skip it if i could, but i need alot of the scenes in here. But only this chapter and one more, then things start to happen i promise
Ch. 4 Image
Dawn sat by Willow's sleeping form, gazing straight ahead. Luckily, she'd gotten some sleep before, because she had first shift of Willow duty. The coven had warned them about the nightmares, and also added that Willow probably wouldn't ask for help on her own. Willow had seemed so broken when she'd gotten back, even more so when she'd come down the stairs. It was hard for her to imagine this shadow of her friend having enough emotion to cry herself to sleep at night, but the coven had warned that it would happen. Willow's body started to tremble, and Dawn ran a soothing hand down her shoulder. She wondered what Willow dreamt about. That was stupid. She knew what mattered to Willow. Willow dreamt of Tara, probably of her death, and also the time she'd spent under the control of the dark magick. Dawn had had more dreams of Tara, but now they were all the same. Tara was stuck somewhere, blinding white light stopped Dawn from seeing where. She needed to leave, but was held there by the treacherous blanket of white. She wondered what it meant, if it meant anything at all. She couldn't help but feel like her dream was real. It was the only dream that had ever seemed so clear, aside from that one dream of Osiris. She frowned as she thought of it. She hadn't had to once read the paper she kept folded in her drawer to remember what he had said. She knew she should tell someone, but they wouldn't listen, and if Willow heard... Willow whimpered and thrashed, her eyes fluttering as she tried to wake up.
"N-n-n-noooooooooooo!" She yelled. Buffy rushed down the stairs, awakened by her yell. She looked at Dawn questioningly.
"Get some water." Dawn suggested. Buffy nodded and went into the kitchen. Dawn gently shook Willow as she girl continued to toss and turn and whimper. Willow's eyes opened slowly.
"Tara?" Willow breathed hopefully, then opened her eyes the rest of the way. Dawn thought her heart would break as the first spark of emotion she'd seen in Willow's eyes turned to tears and pain as the girl's eyes clouded and she began to sob again. Dawn reached out a hand to touch her, but she pulled away. Dawn could only watch as Willow crumbled and collapsed, the sobs breaking through her body while she watched helplessly. There was nothing she could do, and she knew that, but she felt like she had to ask.
"Willow, is there anything I can do?" She got no answer as Willow just continued sobbing, she hadn't expected one. It was hard to imagine this much emotion fitting in Willow's tiny, weak frame, especially since during the day Willow was practically un-feeling, inside and out. But Dawn understood now that this was the emotion Willow would not allow herself to give into during the day, how she really felt inside. How she would always feel. Dawn wanted to hug her, to take her into her arms and make it all better, but a part of her knew that only Tara's arms could do that, only her voice in Willow's ear and her breath on their face. But Tara was lost to them, taken away from the world by that one tiny piece of metal, and she was never coming back. So that meant they'd have to sit and watch, trying futilely to help as Willow sunk lower and lower into the numbing depression that was her life. After almost an hour of uncontrollable sobbing, Willow finally fell, once again, into an uneasy sleep. Dawn sighed. She was exhausted, and her shift was about to end. She went upstairs to wake up Anya, who had the next turn. The ex-demon had been surprisingly concerned about Willow all summer, preparing endlessly when she heard that the former witch was coming home. Dawn had been puzzled until she worked up the nerve to ask Anya about it. She had explained, with a surprising amount of emotion, that while Tara had been no closer to her than to the rest of the Scoobies, she had been her best friend. Dawn new this to be true, Anya was part of the group, but wasn't part of the tight emotional circle that Buffy, Willow, Xander, Giles and her shared, so the friendship, comfort, and love Tara had offered were special to her. Also, Anya couldn't help Willow with her pain like she usually did with people; there was no one to wish vengeance on except Warren, and Willow had already taken care of that. So instead, she was helping her in the only way she could. She couldn't be there for her like the others who were closer to her, so she helped from afar, finding the right books and hiding things that might bring back especially painful memories for Willow. She hadn't always gotten along with her, but it hurt her to see someone in so much pain, so she tried for Willow. And for Tara. Dawn saw how even gone, Tara's gentle presence still affected the Scoobies, pushing them to do better. It made her cry, and she actually was hugged and comforted by the usually blunt and un-comforting Anya.
Anya took a while to wake up, but was not at all reluctant to stay awake and take her turn watching over Willow. Dawn once again wondered at how far she had come from the vengeance demon Cordelia had met in high school. It was kind of ironic that the spell that destroyed her power was done on Xander, her future love. She just hoped that Anya would be able to handle the amount of emotion Willow showed when she gave into the hysteria at night.
"Did she have any nightmares yet?" Anya asked quietly before going downstairs.
"Ya. It was... intense. I almost cried, just watching her." Anya nodded.
"It's surprising how much emotion is really in there. I mean, during the day..." It was now Dawn's turn to nod.
"If she starts to shake, whimper, cry, whatever, wake her up." Dawn cautioned. Anya just nodded again.
As Dawn went upstairs, Anya watched the slim frame of the redhead as her chest rose and fell evenly. It was hard to imagine that the fiery, emotional redhead she'd quarreled almost endlessly with when she began to date Xander was reduced to this. Then again, it was hard to imagine that she herself had gone from cursing Xander for what he'd done to Cordelia to having her heart broken by him, or that Tara, the only truly pure and good person she'd met so far, was an unmoving corpse in the ground. She felt unshed tears form behind her eyes as she thought of Tara. She knew it was like this for all the people who had known her; the entire gang had accepted Tara into their kind of family. It just wasn't fair. She still didn't understand exactly how it worked, why the people couldn't just come back into their bodies and get up again. She wondered how the mortal people on earth could believe in a single, fair, loving god when so many times the best of them were torn away from caring, loving people and the scum who did it continued to walk. She wanted so badly to talk to someone about it, but she had learned by now that bringing up such a tender subject would be considered rude or blunt in human society. The only person who would listen to her, not judge her for her manners or thoughts, actually try to understand what she was saying, was dead. And she was back again to the unfairness of it all. She looked down at the peacefully sleeping girl on the couch. She wished that Willow would be able, one day, to actually stay a whole night like this. Even as she thought it, though, the redhead's body began to tremble, then shake, and a small whimper escaped her lips.
"Willow." Anya said loudly, grabbing her firmly by the shoulders and shaking her. Her approach seemed to work better than Dawn's gentle touch, because Willow's eyes instantly sprang apart, and she sat up quickly. The emptiness in her eyes was gone, replaced by a burning fury that almost made Anya release her and back up.
"I have to kill him." Willow breathed through gritted teeth.
"Who?" Anya asked in confusion.
"Warren." All the hate and pain Willow felt was worked into that one word.
"He's dead." Anya assured her. When Willow looked at her in surprise, she frowned. "You killed him. Tried to end the world..." She saw remembrance cross Willow's face as she lay slowly back against the pillows. She lay silent for a split second, then her whole body convulsed with sobs, just like all the other nights. Anya watched, shocked. Dawn had warned her that it was intense, but the pain on Willow's face... She didn't know it was possible for someone to cry that hard, for that much suffering to fit in one person's heart. She watched helplessly for almost an hour as Willow cried, almost expecting Willow to disappear, swallowed by the grief she felt. She glanced at the clock. It was almost morning, the others would be up soon. She knew instinctively that by then, Willow would have gained control and hidden her emotion by the cold mask she hid behind in the day.
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Xander awoke the next morning and came downstairs to a surprisingly peaceful scene. From what the convent had said, it would have been a hard night for both Willow and the people watching over her. He saw Willow, lying on the couch, not asleep but still, and stopped dead. There was an enormous amount of emotion in her stare, more than he had seen even before Tara died. Had something gone wrong? Was she hurt physically? Had she somehow recovered from her numb state last night? Her looked questioningly to Anya, who was sitting at the table, drinking coffee while battling to stay awake. When she caught his glance, she said loudly.
"She's fine. She's recovered already. She'll be back to normal soon." She assured him.
"But, what happened, she looks so... haunted."
"The nightmares. You think this is bad? Wait 'till you watch her for a night. This is like-" She thought for a minute. "This is like 'Tara's dead dark magick Willow' compared to normal Willow if you match it with last night."
"You mean, this isn't the worst of it?" Anya raised an eyebrow at him.
"Please. This Willow is practically comforting." He looked at Willow, who was now crying softly at the mention of 'Tara's dead' Willow. He rushed over to comfort her, but she turned away.
"She won't let you touch her.' Anya informed him. "She turns away from anyone who tries to." When Willow finally turned to face him, she wore the mask of ice she had built to keep from losing it. She didn't say anything, just stared straight ahead. Xander watched in amazement at the speed of her transformation. The empty Willow he saw now had haunted him for months, but he wasn't even sure that it was worse than the emotion he'd seen in her eyes, the way they seemed to fill completely with despair and pain. He missed his best friend so much. He felt guilty for not missing Tara more. She had been a nice person, probably the best of the Scoobies, but he hadn't really had a bond, a real friendship with her like Buffy, Anya, and Dawn had had. All he really knew was that Tara had made Willow happy. When she was with Tara she seemed to glow. Now, without Tara, it was like all the fire in his friend had been blown out, replaced with ice. The worst part of it was that he could tell Willow was holding something back. She kept some part of her lover inside of herself, and it kept her from moving on. He'd hoped that when she came home it would change, but her emptiness, and now the terrible emotions he'd apparently only seen a glimpse of, assured him that that wouldn't happen. Not unless he did something. He reached out to set a hand on her knee.
"Willow, look, I know that what you're doing is tough, and that you want to hide behind the memories of her you have left, but you have to let go." Willow was brought out of her thoughts by Xander's voice. He hadn't spoken much to her since that day, no one had, but him especially. Even now, though, so soon after once again giving into emotions at night, it was too hard to come out of her protective numbness and listen to him. The shell she had raised around herself was more crucial than ever this morning. She'd made the mistake of sleeping with the Doll's Eye Crystal the night before. It was still filled with Tara's and her energy from all the spells they'd done together using it's power. Waking up from a nightmare was bad enough, but waking up from a dream of Tara, to feel the shock of her energy running through her, and having to face the heartbreak again the first time she had actually believed it might have all been a dream... Xander's hand tightened on her knee, making her look up to his face before she could stop herself.
"Willow, you know I'm right."
"What?" came Willow's distant reply, and Xander realized the entire speech he'd just given had been lost on her. He took a deep breath.
"You have to let go." Anya watched them curiously from the couch, not really getting what her friend and her ex-fiancé were talking about.
"I can't." Willow breathed in little more than a whisper. She understood what Xander was asking her to do, but she couldn't, he didn't understand.
"Will. Look, I know that you loved her-"
"Love her." Willow interrupted him, her voice firm for the first time in months
"What?" He asked, confused.
"Love her. Not loved her. Look, Xander, I know that you want me to let go, and have everything be okay. But I can't. She was everything. She is everything. You can't just turn love on and off like that, no matter how much you want to."
"I get that Will. I do, but-"
"Don't Xander." Xander looked over in surprise to Anya, still standing by the kitchen door. "She's right. You can't just stop loving someone. So just, don't." Anya turned and walked into the kitchen. Xander looked worriedly after her. He wanted to follow her so badly, to ask if maybe she was implying... but right now he needed to talk to Willow.
"Will, I really do understand that you can't just turn off what you're feeling. But, you have to at least try to move on, if you let go, you can keep going."
"No." Willow shook her head, tears in her eyes. "Xander, she is what's keeping me alive, not me. If I let go, sure there's a chance, but..."
"But what, Will? You'd rather stay here, only half-alive all the time, never take that chance? You won't get yourself out of this if you hold on to what's killing you." He saw her eyes soften a little, but her face remained the same, determined and sad. "You won't get better for yourself, you won't get better for all of us, but come on Willow, you have to realize you're being stupid." She turned to him in surprise. Stupid wasn't what she expected to be called at the moment. "Wherever she is right now," Xander continued, gesturing at the air around them. "Do you really think this is how she'd like you to live? Think about it Will, please. Tara's up there somewhere, watching you destroy yourself over her. Is that what she'd want?" Willow froze. She couldn't think about this, she couldn't, because the truth was, he was right. This wasn't what Tara would want. Xander saw the pain and indecision reach Willow's face as her walls crumbled. His friend had turned even whiter than before, if possible. Without saying a word, she stood up, grabbed the crystal, and headed out the door. He watched her go with the same sad expression he'd worn when Anya left the room. He felt bad for causing his friend all of that extra pain, but it had to be done. The rest was up to Willow.
TBC....
(I write TBC but I'm gonna post the next chapter right after i finish typing this and adding it, so, not much of a wait)