The Kitten, the Witches and the Bad Wardrobe - Willow & Tara Forever

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 Post subject: She knew
PostPosted: Mon Aug 26, 2002 11:06 pm 
Title – She knew



Written by: Urn Of Osiris



Rating: G



Disclaimer: Joss and ME own them and write them and messed them up LARGE. I'm just trying to fix things here.



Feedback:Go for it. I'm painting on the target.



Summary- This takes place a few days after Tara's senseless death. For me Willow had to be pryed off of her dead body and the events of the final 3 eps never happened. Angst alert as well but it is brief.



Special thanks to Ruth for the beta. I just hope I can copy it properly.







Chapter 1: You Darkness





It is here. It’s still. This darkness; it has no shadows. It has nothing without light. It is nothing. I am nothing. Shaking. Shaking. I can’t seem to stop the shaking. Both hands are necessary, to steady one another. Brass, I think it is brass. I can’t tell. It fits, it’s in now and I am steady. Steady enough to turn it. Breathe, don’t stop, just breathe. With all my strength I cannot turn. But I can, and I do.



Darkness has swallowed everything. Power, it alone lights the dark. I have just witnessed it. With my touch darkness is gone. The light is so bright I blink. Blink twice. It is not enough to shield me. Yet I still seek it, yearn for it. Trust in it. Heavy feet step in. Breathe I remind myself. It is essential.



What is here? Nothing that was ever important. There is nothing in here that is going to make life better. Things now, that’s all that remains. It is so full and empty in the same. I look for any sign, any treasure. It is everywhere. I can taste it. I can smell it. I can hear it. My senses are alive. For so long I have wanted life. In this space it exists.



“Are you OK?” her voice breaks the silence. How could a best friend ask?



I wonder how anyone can ask such a senseless question. But I have an instant answer, when I see the source enter. I look up, numb. I am still tingling from my entry. I am still shaking from the fear. Yet it is the safest place. How can this dichotomy exist? How can I? I have to choose to every day, every hour, every minute, every second. It is work, like I’ve never known before.



“No,” is my simple response to her.



I am alone. Four walls surround me. There is no in or out. No escape. In one fast breath I am trapped. It is the only safety I have felt in ages. I crumble. I have no strength to stand; I have no strength for life. I have no courage. I have nothing.



“I see,” What do I see? It’s new. I’ve never seen it before. How could I have never seen it before? I crawl. I feel the carpet draw up between my fingers. Everything shifts. Where did it come from? There is no one to ask. This beautiful scarf; I have to touch it. It is so soft. The fringe tickles, she tickled. This scarf is hiding it. How could I have missed this? I wrap myself in it, in her. Oh, if these could be her arms, I would die this very moment.





Across the top, my hand drifts across the top. I can feel it. Steel, leather and wood, it is all of the earth, of nature, of the goddess. It is so beautiful. How did it come to be here? How did I? It is beaten from wear. I feel the pain. I understand the pain. I am beaten. Another lock, it has one too. Keys are so hard to find. They are so hard to keep safe. Where would I keep it? Where would she?



On the desk, never there, no safety there on the desk. Look, I think. I knew her like no other. Stop, just think. I must know, I need to know, what is inside. The bird, it held treasure before. Spin to see where it rests. By the bed, I see it by the bed. My strength grows with my curiosity. I reach it, and I open it. Oh, I knew her. How could I be so dumb? I really knew her. Oh my goddess, I really knew her. I see two keys. Which is it? I take both. One is dark from use the other bright and new. It must be the dark. It enters slowly, gently. It turns, a perfect fit. The top is so heavy when I raise it. The sound of the hinges rips the silence; rattles my heart, tortures my ears. Like a voice searching to be heard, it moves me to tears. She moves me to tears. I smell her. She is in here. The rush of her scent envelopes me.





Did she always intoxicate me? I can not remember if she always feathered me with her essence. I am at peace. How can I be at peace? My eyes are closed. I can’t bear to look. I want to see, but I am afraid. Are these her secrets, her fears, her dreams? Will I be in here anywhere? I don’t want to know. I don’t. Darkness is gone. Before me lie the chapters of her life. Where did this all come from? Where? White, bright white is resting on top. It is she. A name is on it. Written simply across the envelope. I have to know who penned it. I open it.







****




My darling,

You will never know how painful it is to say goodbye. All of the dreams for the future will never be mine to witness. I have found death. You know this and you still fight the truth. I love you. In your whole life I dream that you will find that love. That is my only hope for you now. I am certain that with love you will be strong, and with strength every other dream is possible. In this trunk is every bit of who I am. I have left this here for you.



It is yours now; to do whatever your heart moves you to do. You are free now, free to move wherever life takes you. Free to fly.

You will never be alone. I will never be alone.



****




No name. How can there be no name? Who could have written this? When did she get this? We were apart, but not for long. I have to know where it came from. I have to know.

Another one. I see another one, a box, with another lock. This one is bright. It’s shiny. I have this key, and it fits. No sound, I hear nothing when I open it. It is too new for sounds. A book. No not a book, a journal. It’s a journal. Should I open it? It is supposed to be private. I have to look. I need to look. I need to know.





Breathe. I can feel the air move into me, and I am alive. I haven’t felt alive in so long. She makes me alive. This is she. I can’t believe it, but this is she. The pages move quickly. The dates spiral forward and back. Every thing that we are is written. Every moment of joy and sorrow is in here. She left this all here. Every bit of it she left for me. How? How could she do this? Did she know? Could she see it was coming? I don’t understand. It all hits me suddenly, and washes over me like the tides of the ocean across the sands of the beach. I am pulled in and swept away by everything that is she. She consumes me. I am hungry for her.





I have to stop. I put it aside and dig. I dig deep into the treasures before me. Everything before me is a puzzle. But the pieces don’t make sense. Books! Spell books. She had so many of those, but she locked these away. Was she hiding them for me or from me? I feel the shame. I feel the pain. There are so many books here. All about death, and dying. And life. What did she know? These are clues. I know these are clues. She left all of this for me; I just need to figure out why. She knows I will not stop until I figure out why. She knew me. Breathe, she knew me.



Two more boxes; she has two more boxes. I know what’s inside. I can smell what’s inside. I smell her. Every scent she ever wore is in them. Every bit of who she was is in them. Bright white, I see more bright white. Is it her? She will help me solve the puzzle. Open it. I have to open it.





****




This is for you. I know that you will understand. I know that you will listen to your heart. This is what I want; this is what my heart wants.



****




That’s all it says. But I know her pen. It is she. I can hear her speak the words. What does she ask of me? She knew. How is it possible? Somehow she knew. A dream, a vision, I don’t care now. I know now. She called me here. Every bit of her called me here; willed me to find this. Summoned me to set her free. She is leaving it in my hands. These hands that are shaky and tired. These hands are called to wake her from her slumber. She knew. Every bit of who I am would want her here. She knew.





And I will follow her lead. I know what she wants, and I want it too. She knew everything and she knew I would be afraid. She knew me. I knew her. My work is set now. I know what to do next. My hands are steady now. I can see all that beats in front of me. I only look forward. Forward now. Moving forward now.





Breathe











Chapter 2 I invoke thee







“Shhhhhh, be still.”



Am I dreaming? Is it possible that I am dreaming? I remember it all. I remember the fire ripping through me and I remember her face. I remember the fall I remember the fall. I see the bright white; I see it all hard and sudden. I remember the fall.



Electric, moving through every space that is I. I can feel it. It’s pain. The pain is so intense I like it and I hate it all in the same moment. A twisting and turning force pushes upon every vein. I ache on every side. I ache. The pounding starts, it is so loud I want to scream. Pounding and pounding from everywhere it will not stop. Bigger and bigger harder and harder pounding and pounding. The ache, the pounding it all has started. All around everywhere.



“Shhhh, be still.”



The pain of sound forces movement across my face. I can feel it throughout me. Every bit of me is awakening. Every bit of me feels the pain of life. I am alive. Life, I’m moving. I am moving. I am breathing. I am thinking. I am. How is it that I am? I should not be. I should not.



It is she. I knew it would be. Oh how she knew me. I’ve been discovered. All that was hidden has been found. It has been opened. It has been played. Oh, by the goddess she knew me. I want to feel. I need to feel. Where am I? How am I? The ache across my brow, I can feel it. I want it to stop. I know it has only begun.



“Shhhh, be still.”



Oh! That is the sound. I remember that sound. It is like the whisper of moonlight across a silent still pond. It is all I’ve ever wanted. All I have ever needed. I am dreaming. I want to be dreaming. If I am dreaming I will wake. If I wake she will be there. I know she will be there. I need her to be there. Why can’t I wake?



Pain! I feel such deep sharp pain. Across me. It is moving across me. It hurts to feel. I like that it hurts to feel. I am waking. I am feeling. The pain is a sword honed sharply on both sides. It gives me life and sorrow in the same moment. I want them both to stop and start. I want it. Oh how I beg for it. My chest rises and falls. I can breathe. The pain is motion across me. I’m begging for more.



“Shhhh, be still. I am here.”



It is her. It is all of her. I can smell her here. I can feel her here. I need to see her here. I cannot open them. My eyes. I cannot open them. Why am I still trapped in the darkness? I am trapped inside of me. I want to get out. I want to stay in. I want to be rescued from this trap of darkness. I ache to make my body work, to carve through the darkness before me.





I can move. I can feel my hand move. It is a searing pain that drives through every vessel. I can move. My arm is plowing through the darkness to my face. I can feel the cover across my face. It makes the darkness. I need to break this from me. It is cold. I can feel that it is cold. I want more. I want warm. I want soft. I want hard. I want to feel everything I have ever known. Oh, I can feel.



“I am here. You are safe now, I am here.”



I can feel her now. She is all around me. I can feel every bit of her all through me. It is her hand across my skin that sears like a poker from the flames. I want the heat of her fire. I need the heat from her fire. Where is she? Why can’t I see her here? I can feel her. She feels me now. The beating inside her moves across me. She is here.



My eyes drag to open. Very heavy, too heavy to move all at once. I am forcing them now. I work very hard to force them now. Oh, I feel her hand move across my face. Her touch makes me cry with joy and pain. I feel the pain. My skin feels the pain. I want to feel her. I can feel every bit of her. My eyes move to open. I see the bright white. I see it so bright, I force to open but I must close. My hand moves again to make darkness. I want just enough, just enough to see, to see red, to see her. I see her red and white.



“Shh, baby I am here. I found you, I’ll always find you.”



She knew me. She knew just where to find me. How could I ever doubt it? I never doubted it. I knew it would consume her. I would consume her. She would consume me. I am here. I am here. I want to tell her. I want her to know she saved me. Every day she saved me. With every touch she saved me. Every touch. Every time. I am saved.



Across my face, her skin is moving across my face. Every part of me is awake at her touch. I can tell her now. Breath moves through me. It moves up from deep inside me. I am forcing my voice to call her. I ache to speak. I ache to say her name. I ache for everything that ever was her. And now she surrounds me. I am enveloped in her. Her touch has every part of my soul. The force of her body pushes against all of mine. I can’t get enough. I cry out. I want to cry out. To shout. To scream, to make any sound to rejoice in her all consuming love.





“Shhhhh.”





Was that her or me? I cannot tell. I feel cold fall across my face. It is running down my skin. More and more it is running across my skin. I can raise my hand. I can feel her face with my hand. I can feel her tears with my hand. I ache for her now. I am awake for her now. Oh, I can feel every bit of who we are falling from her eyes and rolling across my skin.





Her hands have found my skin. Her hands move across my skin. All I ever want is to feel her across my skin. I am so hungry now. I could feast on her essence for eternity. She is all I will ever need. She knows that. She must know that. She has to know that. I have to tell her that. We are shaking now. Her sadness moves us with a pounding rhythm. I can feel her now. Her pain is free. I have to tell her. She needs to know my words. These are my words. “Shh, Baby. I’m here. Don’t cry.”









The End









WILLOW: That's a work ethic! Buffy, you're developing a work ethic.

BUFFY: Oh, no. Do they make an ointment for that

Edited by: xita  at: 12/29/02 7:32:18 pm


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 Post subject: Re: She knew
PostPosted: Mon Aug 26, 2002 11:36 pm 
Extremlly well written and powerful. I always knew they'd find each other and be togethe, wether dead or alive. Thank you for sharring this.

Tara nodded in agreement "She has magic fingers." Then, as though the words had just echoed back to her and sounded not at all right, she perked up and glanced around at the others. "On the keyboard."

TheWisdom of War, Chris Golden

'My heart is cleverer then I and it knows what to do.'-MC Legends of the Kiss



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 Post subject: Re: She knew
PostPosted: Tue Aug 27, 2002 2:52 am 
Wow. This was great. Excellent imagery. But I cried. Love lost. It was so sad. :(



Just Excellent.



--celia

---------------------------------



"That was just rude. Now I forget what I was saying."



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 Post subject: Re: She knew
PostPosted: Tue Aug 27, 2002 3:13 am 
I think it was really brave of you to write this. I was very moved, to many different emotions, sadness, crying, love, wonder.



I also wondered what was actually happening, and I feel like my mind processed a happy ending, in a way. They were together, crying, and comforting eachother. It was romantic that way, and that is the way it should be. Was Tara waiting to join with Willow, before she crossed over, like crossing over together...?



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 Post subject: Re: She knew
PostPosted: Tue Aug 27, 2002 3:55 am 
Thanks to all of you for reading.



wiccanIllusion - Thanks for your thoughts. I have to agree that the ladies would always find a way to be together. Although in the end here they are alive. It would be nice to see that on BTVS.

A girl can dream anyway. :)



tiredsoul - Life is good be happy. In the end that's how the ladies are. I made you cry, wow! I know that shouldn't make me happy but it kind of does.

BTW I have your sig as a wave file. Every time my comp. has a critical stop I hear that wav file. I got a chuckle from the sig. :bounce



frau rosenclay -I was washed over with emotions after Seeing Red and I needed to make Tara breathe again. That is what I was trying to accomplish with this fic. I believe that Willow would have exhausted herself saving Tara not avengeing her.



This was a total resurrection fic. It was only with Tara's wisdom and encouragement that Willow would have done it. That is what I was trying to say. :willow + :tara should be alive together.





To all this is a Happy Ending fic. Because that is what I wanted. I watched the final three eps hoping that it was all some very sad dream. I am still waiting for someone to wake up. I guess it'll have to be me.



Thanks all

Urn Of Osiris

___________________________**

WILLOW: That's a work ethic! Buffy, you're developing a work ethic.

BUFFY: Oh, no. Do they make an ointment for that



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 Post subject: ...
PostPosted: Tue Aug 27, 2002 5:09 am 
Offline
11. Fish in the Bowl

Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2005 4:27 pm
Posts: 1366
Location: USA
this was so sad but so well written. i liked it a lot. you're not the only one hoping all we need to do is wake up and this all would have been just a nightmare.

TARA- It looks like gibberish.
SPIKE- (moving to them) Gibberish?
TARA- Or possibly gobbledygook. It's not words, anyway…

the yoko factor



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 Post subject: Re: ...
PostPosted: Tue Aug 27, 2002 7:31 am 
Wow, so good and moving! :)



That was so well written and it was really thrilling! I was like : whats happening, whats happening, let her be alive, let her be alive :pray



Thank you and I know I always want a sequel, but a sequel to this fic would be veeery good... Maybe when youve got time...?



:peace -Viv-

--------------------------
My soul screams. My heart screams. My tears flow.
I want you.



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 Post subject: Re: ...
PostPosted: Tue Aug 27, 2002 10:13 am 
oh wonderful, I agree with you that is the force of their love. Always finding eachother. I too believe Willow would never quit trying to bring her back. And this was very intense. thank you.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Childie -"Not all girls are raving bloody lesbians, you know!"

George - "That's a misfortune of which I am perfectly well aware."

The Killing of Sister George



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 Post subject: Re: ...
PostPosted: Tue Aug 27, 2002 10:23 am 
I really like the image that Tara was the key to unlocking Willow's grief.



Very powerfully written, the constant references to darkness and light was very poignant also.

Adding up the total of a love that's true, multiply life by the power of two
Indigo Girls



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 Post subject: Re: ...
PostPosted: Tue Aug 27, 2002 12:04 pm 
Oh you posted! Excellent. :)



Yes, you used contrasts to effect in this fic; constantly comparing the emptiness and nothingness of the darkness to represent Willow's loneliness, and then the light and fullness of the bright love she feels with Tara's presence. That worked really well.



And by the way, it looks great. ;)


----------
Here to help. Wanna live.



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 Post subject: Thank you.. Thank you.. Thank you!
PostPosted: Tue Aug 27, 2002 1:28 pm 
Wow! I am very excited that so many of you like this fic.



Never in all of my television viewing have I Loved two characters the way that I Love :willow and :tara . This place, this board has welcomed me and now my fic as well. Thanks for giving me a safe place to ship. :shy





Rane18 - Thanks for reading and for the kind words. I keep chanting it's a dream it's a dream...TARA LIVES, over and over in my head.



pacou - I'm so happy that my words moved you. :) Ohh thrilling I like that. Yes ALIVE that's what I wanted. Still what I want. :pray Sequel, I'll think about it. I actually tried a few ideas but they were insanely sugary sweet. I don't want to promote cavities. :grin



ohh xita - I bow at you presence. :) I was upset for days after seeing Willow leave her there. Everything in the last 3 eps is so unbelievable. None of it would have happened. Willow would still be there right now! She would never choose to go. Not for any reason. EVER!!!

I am very glad you enjoyed the intensity. Thanks



mollyig - to me Willow and Tara are like the first two pieces of a puzzle, once you find them and they click together there is splendor. Then all you want to do is build upon it. :love

Rarely is that kind of love brought to life on the screen. W/T are essential to each other. Keys and locks, prison and freedom, I think they balance each other out.



tommo - What can I say. Many many many many Thanks. :grin



Urn of Osiris

_______________________**

WILLOW: That's a work ethic! Buffy, you're developing a work ethic.

BUFFY: Oh, no. Do they make an ointment for that



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 Post subject: Re: Thank you.. Thank you.. Thank you!
PostPosted: Tue Aug 27, 2002 4:56 pm 
Yes, Willow would have stayed with Tara. This is right.



Your explanation in your post helped me to realize that by the end Tara was alive again. Going back and re-reading, I was then able to feel the language more. I liked the last paragraph in particular, the way the repetition of short sentences and the word "skin" created a growing intensity of emotion. For me, that culminated with the sentence "We are shaking now." Willow's grief couldn't be contained in herself alone, and that sentence really got at that. Thank you.



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 Post subject: Re: Thank you.. Thank you.. Thank you!
PostPosted: Tue Aug 27, 2002 6:26 pm 
Beautiful piece. Thanks for sharing.



I have to say that's what shocked me most in terms of Willow characterization at the end of season 6, that she would abandon Tara's body right away to go seek vengeance. It's what a comic book villain would do, but not real human beings, esp. a loving, smart young woman like Willow. Of course she would have wanted to stay with Tara as long as possible and they would have had to pry her off.



There have been a few times over the years where Buffy has degenerated into standard comic book plot and characterization. It started in season 4 with the whole Initiative thing and here again it was definitely one of those times in my book.

And when we saw Tara's body being taken out of the house with Willow nowhere to be seen: wrong, so wrong.



Thanks for setting the story straight.



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 Post subject: Re: Thank you.. Thank you.. Thank you!
PostPosted: Wed Aug 28, 2002 2:27 am 
Thanks for reading my little fic.



Tulipp - I don't think anyone here will ever argue that fact. Willow Loved Tara more than anything. Something the writers apparently forgot.

I'm glad the explaination helped. As I was writing this fic I could see Tara coming alive in the arms of her love. All I could see was willow shaking from her crying. That image was just burning in my head. I wanted to see that image on my TV screen. I'm glad it touched you. :)



Murasaki S - I completely agree with your opinion. I think I have said that maybe once. :wink

I completely agree that Willow would NEVER leave her. NEVER!!! What a terrible waste of such extraordinary characters. I am so happy to set things straight.



Thanks again

Urn

________________________**

WILLOW: That's a work ethic! Buffy, you're developing a work ethic.

BUFFY: Oh, no. Do they make an ointment for that

"you can not have more fan fic, you have a fan fic problem"



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 Post subject: Re: Thank you.. Thank you.. Thank you!
PostPosted: Sun Dec 29, 2002 5:31 am 
This is new to the archive. You can leave feedback!

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

Tallulah Bankhead



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 Post subject: Re: Thank you.. Thank you.. Thank you!
PostPosted: Thu Jan 02, 2003 9:08 am 
Painful to read and leaves a bad taste in one's mouth-- not because the ending is unsatisfactry (indeed, it's everything that ME failed to do, as everyone noted in reviews), but rather because it's a harsh reminder of those painful last episodes where everything was wrong. Thanks for giving us the right way back!

"Her drama was a drama not of heaviness but of lightness. What fell to her lot was not the burden but the unbearable lightness of being." --Milan Kundera



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 Post subject: i cried
PostPosted: Thu Jan 09, 2003 3:51 am 
:cry Why must i read fics that i know ill make me cry? Anyway, it was a great fic that i will read over again sometime soon.



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 Post subject: Re: i cried
PostPosted: Thu Jan 23, 2003 12:07 am 
Urnie.....



I read this a while ago and never left feedback. I guess that was because I really didn't know what I could say that would do this fic justice......



It's an absolutely amazing fic Urnieleh, that provokes so many thoughts. You can feel what they are feeling through the words and it makes it so very real.



You have an amazing talent Urnie, in your writing and in your heart. Thank you so much for writing and sharing this with us, and I am so glad that I found it, even if it WAS late, and already in the 'Completed fics' section. Might I add, I love that section :grin



Thank you again Urnie! That fic is truly touching!



a Mwa to you! <---(oh you better believe it!) and <---(might simple things up a tad)



>*HUGS*<



Chel



***

"Oh, sorry. Uhh, I forgot that that doesn't seem normal, to the rest of society. It's just, we, well, we both really like cows. Really like them. To the extent of wanting to buy one, when we're older."- The Crying Game (by vix84)

Edited by: Tara22  at: 1/23/03 2:29:39 pm


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 Post subject: Re: She knew
PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2011 4:20 pm 
Offline
9. Gay Now
User avatar

Joined: Sat Sep 24, 2011 8:45 pm
Posts: 985
Topics: 15
Location: Beyond the orbit of Mars and accelerating...
Not just sweet, but sensible too!

We all know Tara is sensitive, it makes sense that if anyone could see their death appraoching it would be Tara.

and to prepare for it, to spend a day with your love, knowing you were going to die, and going anyway...
this makes Tara even more than the Tara we saw.

making plans to come back, i guess she picked up something from willow too. :)

Nice work.

_________________
“All I feel is sunlight. All I hear is music.” Willow
How i Met Your Mother - By Ariel


My Story: Coming Home


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