The Kitten, the Witches and the Bad Wardrobe - Willow & Tara Forever

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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 2nd July 2011)
PostPosted: Sun Jul 03, 2011 2:40 am 
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3. Flaming O
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Dibs!
Awesome job. I love how your characters are so in-character, and real and believable.
Can't wait for the next update?

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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 2nd July 2011)
PostPosted: Sun Jul 03, 2011 4:33 am 
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13. Big Knowledge Woman
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I absolutely love this story. It's heartwrenching to watch them both try individually to work through their problems, but so very real. It's a slow process, but at least they're starting to talk and get some things out in the open. It's a start, but you write it so well that their hearts are like magnets pulling them back to each other, thus the "sleep holding", and they both need it so badly. Their heads just need to get to the same place as their hearts, hopefully very soon, cause all this tension is driving them and me nuts! And finally...hope.

Great job!

Wimpy

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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 2nd July 2011)
PostPosted: Tue Jul 05, 2011 12:25 pm 
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10. Troll Hammer

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Hope, so often a scary thing.

When a couple is meant to be together, for bad or, in this case, good, thta momentum will be generated, even if the two invloved don't realiZe it's happening. And, while they're being drawn back together, the process will usually trigger new thoughts on old issues.

And Tara, thinking of others as always....

(The whole religious-background idea is something I came up with some years ago based on how the writers presented Tara's and Giles''s attiudes. You seemed to be viewing it the same way they did so I mentioned it. I have absolutely no idea if the writers' thinking processes were even clsoe to what I'm showing it's just a model which fits, coincidence or not!)

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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 2nd July 2011)
PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2011 12:03 pm 
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10. Troll Hammer

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Hope can make people do brave things. I'm hoping Willow will take this new found hope and do something brave.


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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 2nd July 2011)
PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2011 2:18 pm 
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20. Not one Much for the Timber
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Hi Clare! :bigwave

I really love this story, but it is so damn agonizing watching them go through all this!!!!

Quote:
Tara blinked away tears. She knew what to do. She had done it before, when the craving for Willow had threatened to overwhelm her.
Like probing a sore tooth with a needle, she forced herself to remember.
I have to say...this really drove home the extent of Tara's pain. All she has to do here is allow herself to forgive Willow, just a little bit and give into her longing. Willow was asleep and never would have known if Tara lightly kissed her head, but up came the walls. Forgiving after a horrible argument in any relationship is tough, but SOMEONE has to give...just a little in order for things to move forward. So, in the end she finally realizes that she is starting to forgive, maybe.

Then poor Willow with all the guilt and humiliation when it really wasn't her fault because they were asleep. It just goes to show how they are drawn to each other consciously and otherwise.

As always, a wonderful and painful chapter, lol. I'm anxiously awaiting your next installment!!

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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 2nd July 2011)
PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2011 6:24 pm 
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32. Kisses and Gay Love
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Hmmm. Great chapter. I love the slowness between them. It's like a bizarre staycation. Like "hey let's hang out and eat and watch movies and stuff." I'm just waiting for the moment when someone has to ask "why are you here?" "when are you leaving?" "when will you come back?" It's just this delicious tension and they're becoming more and more physically close all the time. So good.

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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 2nd July 2011)
PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2011 8:42 pm 
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11. Fish in the Bowl

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Clare,

I'm like a child awed and wondering over so many beautiful rocks to pick up and marvel at.

Your writing is amazing. Here's one sample:

Quote:
Tara turned to face her. She was dry-eyed. She seemed to be gathering the strength to force the words past her lips. Willow could only wait.

‘She changed. It was gradual, like the light slowly dimming, you don’t notice at first. When she got sick,’ Tara faltered, and now her eyes were shining. ‘I think…I think she was relieved.’

Willow wanted to say something, but her throat was too constricted to get the words out. She lightly stroked the back of Tara’s hand, still curled around her mug of chocolate.

Tara glanced down, then back. She managed a wobbly smile.

‘Promise me you’ll be careful.’

‘I will.’


I love the alternate take of magic as a life-force and a creative force and how Tara understands how Willow feels.

Then the moments, the starts and stops. The awkwardness of picking a bad movie - it's real, been there! Then there tenderness and growing insight.

Love it.

Ariel
How I Met Your Mother


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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 2nd July 2011)
PostPosted: Tue Jul 19, 2011 3:42 pm 
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So, I keep coming to this and thinking "yeah, I should leave feedback. I'm totally going to do that!"

And then I read it, and look at my notes from the draft, and am like "WTF am I going to write? This is just good."

But the time has come (the walrus said) to actually leave feedback.

This chapter was really good. Remember what I said about the end of DS9, and how they were a couple, but they really didn't know it yet? I think this chapter did a good job of reflecting that shift in their relationship without everything being magically better.

I think my favorite part was Tara bringing up old memories to make herself feel the way she wants to feel. Very nice.

And . . . well, you're just going to have to live with that.

Kate

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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 2nd July 2011)
PostPosted: Wed Jul 20, 2011 2:06 pm 
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4. Extra Flamey

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brave-little-toaster
Congratulations on your dibs. I’m so glad you find the characters believable. Thanks for reading and commenting.

wimpy0729
I’m delighted that you’re reading and enjoying the story. Thanks for commenting. Exactly – their heads need to catch up with their hearts. They’re getting there, step by step.

DaddyCatALSO
Yes, hope can be terrifying, as misery can become almost comfortable if it’s lasted long enough. Thanks for reading.

I do view the characters’ religious backgrounds in the same way you do. Whether the writers intended that or not is an interesting thought.

love_2003
Quote:
Hope can make people do brave things.

Excellent point. Thank you for reading and commenting, and I hope you enjoy the next chapter.

Finey_McFine
Hi Finey,

You know, I’m starting to feel guilty, what with the torture of innocent readers. I promise – it will end well. Honestly.

I think Tara is a lot further along in forgiveness than she realises. She’s just so used to refusing to think about it at all, her head hasn’t caught up yet.

Thanks for leaving feed back. It’s very much welcomed.

JustSkipIt
Thanks, I’m glad you’re still enjoying the story. Delicious tension is exactly what I was aiming for. (And there’s always the fear of dragging things out, so I appreciate the positive feedback.) Something has to give, but not too soon.

Ariel
Thanks Ariel. I try hard to write well, so it means a lot that you take the time to leave positive comments.

I’m glad you liked the alternate view of magic. I didn’t much like the idea that this is the ‘good’ type magic and this is the ‘bad’ type. It’s more interesting to me that, as with people, there is the potential for both.

BeMyDeputy
Quote:
I think this chapter did a good job of reflecting that shift in their relationship without everything being magically better


I’m pleased you saw a progression. Neither of them can see where they’re going, but they definitely are moving.

I’m glad you thought that the chapter was good. If you didn’t, I know you’d say so, and that’s incredibly useful. Thanks for your input Kate.

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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 2nd July 2011)
PostPosted: Wed Jul 20, 2011 2:22 pm 
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4. Extra Flamey

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TITLE: Donegal Street

AUTHOR: Wayland

RATING: PG-13

DISCLAIMER: Willow, Tara and any other characters from the Buffy the Vampire Slayer franchise belong to Joss Whedon, FOX and ME.

SPOILERS: Up to and including Season Six.

SUMMARY: Tara left Willow after Tabula Rasa. It is now about a year later.

FEEDBACK: I would be grateful for your comments.

NOTES: Thanks to my beta, Vivienne, for the encouragement I needed to get this far and to Julia for reading and offering suggestions. Thanks to BeMyDeputy for invaluable input.

Chapter 11


Tara waited in the guest room until she judged that enough time had passed for Willow to have used the bathroom and gotten dressed, then she walked into the kitchen. Willow was making breakfast again. Oatmeal, this time. Because the day was cold and wet again and a warm and filling carbohydrate-based breakfast was excellent fuel. And because it tasted yummy. Tara smiled in agreement, but noted with concern that Willow’s smile was slightly fixed, the babble a little forced. She was probably embarrassed over the work thing. She shouldn’t be, Tara thought wryly, remembering the way she had kept her own schedule packed over the last year.

They fell into small talk easily enough, and Tara was glad that Willow seemed to be relaxing. The phone rang, startling them both. Willow jerked her hand at the sudden noise and spilled a little coffee on the table. With an apologetic glance at Tara, she wiped her hand on the side of her jeans and went out to the hallway. Tara sat for a moment, before leaning over towards the coffee pot. Then she got up and fetched a cloth from the sink. She was mopping the table when Willow returned, a few minutes later.

‘That was Julie, from work? She’s really nice. And Kevin, her husband, he’s really nice too, although I haven’t exactly met him.’ Willow sounded a little flustered beneath the nonchalant tone. She waved at the clean table. ‘You didn’t need to . . . ’

‘Tell me about her,’ Tara interrupted, pulling out her chair and gesturing to Willow to do the same. She was suddenly determined that Willow’s friend should not become yet another no-go area of conversation between them.

‘Julie?’

‘Yes.’ Tara nodded. Willow placed her hands on the back of the chair.

‘Well, Julie’s-’

She was interrupted by the jarring sound of the phone. Willow winced and gestured with a thumb towards the hall.

‘Hey, who’s that? I’m popular today. Or maybe it’s just a telemarketer cos, you know, that’s what they do, call people. On the telephone.’ Tara smiled reflexively at the babble, while not really hearing it. Her eyes never left Willow as she rambled, talking on the move and wiping her hands down the sides of her jeans as she walked backwards out of the room.

A few moments later, Willow appeared in the doorway, wringing her hands. Tara raised her eyebrows in a question.

‘That was the office. See . . . I kind of said I’d go to work today - though I absolutely don’t have to - and cos of that there’s this data on my computer they need and they can’t get. I mean, I could just give them my password, but that would be bad. Very bad, apparently, and linking to the company network from here would also be very bad, so I need to go in. Quickly. Super quick. If that’s alright?’

Tara blinked. Thinking was like trying to see through fog.

‘So, you’re going to work?’

‘No! I mean, no. I just need to stop by the office, then come back.’

‘Cool.’

‘Really? You don’t mind?’ Willow was now tugging at the hem of her shirt, pulling the fabric out of shape.

‘Really.’ With a rush of relief, Tara felt her head starting to clear. She smiled. ‘I could take a bath. My neck’s a little stiff from the couch, you know?’ She regretted the comment the instant she saw a flush rising in Willow’s cheeks. ‘Or, or I could take a walk, go to a park. Get some fresh air. Either would be good.’

‘Or both.’

Tara’s heartbeat began to slow down again when she saw that Willow was smiling.

‘I’ll just find you some keys. I’m sure I have a set somewhere.’

Tara bit her lip as she watched Willow walk directly to the drawer next to the sink and pull out a bunch labelled ‘spare keys’ in her neat capitals. A teasing comment came to mind, something about her quirky devotion to order, but Tara did not voice it.

************


Willow wearily climbed up the steps of the subway station. In the stale, recycled air of the subway car she had breathed easily for the first time that morning. As she reached ground level, her office building came into view across the street. It looked different somehow, as if she had been away from the place for far longer than a few days. She entered the lobby and walked past Reception with a nod to Cheryl, who was on the phone, and used her swipe badge to open the door to the work area her team occupied. The other desks were empty. Mondays always began with a team meeting in the conference room on the floor below and Willow knew that if she was quick, she could be gone before they broke for lunch. It took just a few seconds at her computer to send the necessary files via internal email, then she left, passing Cheryl again, who was still on the phone, and waved in her direction. Julie would probably wonder why she hadn’t waited a few minutes to say hello. When the Irishwoman had rung earlier that morning to see where she was, Willow had given a very vague explanation. As was her custom, the older woman had not pushed, seemingly satisfied to know that Willow was well, and had simply changed her plans. Not for the first time, Willow was grateful for the woman’s kindness. The idea of explaining the past few days to someone else was daunting. She couldn’t even explain it to herself.

Willow realised that she had been wandering aimlessly when she found herself in a small tree-lined square that she did not recognise. She slumped onto the nearest of the benches that framed the square, unconsciously tilting her face towards the hazy autumn sunshine. When she became aware that the other seats were rapidly filling with office workers taking an early lunch, she shifted across to the edge of the bench and put her bag on the ground.

She missed Tara already. It was barely an hour since she’d left the apartment and she missed Tara. A physical shudder ran through her at the thought that Tara could be gone by the time she got back, but it dissipated quickly. It was a reflex, nothing more. Tara would not leave without a word. It just wasn’t in her nature to be cruel. Still, the weight on Willow’s chest remained. She focused on the peaceful scene around her and concentrated on breathing evenly. Two people came towards her, cutting across the square. The man had grey, close-cropped hair. He was tall, but stooped a little at the shoulders. Willow felt sure that when he was younger, his bearing had been ramrod straight. The woman was at least a foot shorter than him and a little heavier. Her hair was also grey, but retained hints of auburn. They were walking in silence, apparently just taking in the day. As the couple passed her, Willow noticed that they were holding hands. She averted her eyes, blinking rapidly.

A young man sat down beside her, his weight rocking the bench slightly. He unwrapped a sandwich and then tossed a piece of it to a pigeon that was loitering nearby. Seconds later a crowd of birds swooped in, fighting over the morsel of bread in an explosion of movement and noise. Willow recoiled and made an involuntary sound. The young man smiled at her in apology. Willow smiled back, to indicate that it was fine. She forced herself to stay seated for a couple more minutes, then she picked up her bag and headed back to the subway.

************


She knew that the apartment was empty as soon as she pushed the door open. Without waiting to shed her coat, Willow walked down the hallway. Tara had left the guest room door open and her overnight bag was in clear view on the bed. Willow retraced her steps and hung up her coat on the stand by the front door. She dropped her keys into a dish on the small table beneath, then walked towards the bathroom. It was still a little steamy and retained a faint scent of citrus. The bottle of oil that Tara bought at the market had been opened and now rested on the edge of the bath next to her own toiletries. Willow stood in front of the misted mirror. She used her bare hand to wipe it clear and then stared at the blurred reflection of her face.

************


The rattling of a key in the door prompted Willow to sit up straight on the couch and reach for a magazine from the coffee table. She had a smile already in place when Tara came into the living room.

‘Hey, back already?’ Tara spoke before Willow got the chance. She looked energised, her complexion reddened from the outdoors, tendrils of her hair, loose from her ponytail, danced around her face.

‘Well, obviously, I mean, with you sitting there, so work was ok?’

Willow saw something that looked like embarrassment flash across Tara’s face. She sounds like me. Willow felt herself grinning as Tara walked to the couch and sat down sedately. Me, when I’m excited . . . or nervous. Willow managed to hold onto the smile until Tara returned it.

‘Work was fine, thank you. Complete waste of time, actually. I could’ve done it in ten seconds if they let me have a link to the office system. Stupid security.’

‘Ah, but would you ever leave the apartment?’

Willow scowled in comic indignation at the comment, and was rewarded by Tara relaxing her shoulders against the back of her seat.

‘So, did you have lunch while you were out?’

Willow skilfully avoided the question by pretending she hadn’t heard it.

‘Did you manage to find a park?’

‘I did. And did you eat lunch?’

Willow took on a child-like expression of outraged innocence. Her hands gestured rapidly as she blustered, ‘No, but I didn’t need to. Remember all that oatmeal? I bet it’s not even digested yet. It’s like a super-slow-release type fuel. You do know, there are scientific papers showing its rate of calorific burn up relative to time? The graph is practically a flat line.’

Tara did not dignify this nonsense beyond a disdainful, ‘Pfft,’ adding a flick of her hand for good measure.

‘Wait, did you just ‘pfft’ me?’

Tara looked as if she were holding on to her stern expression with the greatest of difficulty.

‘If I did, it was entirely justified.’

‘Huh.’ Willow pulled a face.

‘So, it’s an early dinner then. What’s your favourite restaurant here?’ For a second, Willow was lost for words. Tara quickly continued, ‘No, wait, let’s just walk around until we see a nice one.’ She grinned and added teasingly, ‘Work off some of that oatmeal for you?’

Willow agreed readily, but with a raise of the eyebrows to signal that she had not quite conceded the point.

‘Oh, do you mind if I use the phone first?’

‘Of course, go ahead. It’s in the hall, but I guess you probably already saw that . . . . ’

‘I did.’ Tara forestalled further explanation with a sweet smile.

As the door closed, Willow sank back into the couch very slowly, as if her body was made of egg shell.

************


Tara, by nature, was a diligent student, but one consequence of her separation from Willow was being well ahead with her schoolwork. There was always another book to read or another draft of a paper to write. She told herself it was necessary for her grades, in order to keep her scholarship, and not just a way to fill the empty hours.

Sometimes, she had even believed it.

Tara picked up the phone and pulled a scrap of paper from her pocket, rehearsing her words as she dialled. She had no work due, but she did need to ask a couple of classmates to take notes for her. She had a vague explanation for her absence prepared, and hoped they would not enquire too closely.

A couple of minutes later, she was done. It was a relief when neither of the people she called were home, and she had managed to leave messages for both of them without stuttering. She rarely had difficulties with her speech any more, but answering machines still unnerved her.

Willow had stayed in the living room, perhaps to give her privacy for her calls. Tara lingered in the hall, uncertain whether or not to disturb her. Finally she knocked and poked her head round the door. Willow was on the couch, engrossed in a magazine, but seemed happy at the interruption.

‘Ready?’

Tossing the magazine aside, Willow stood.

Tara hesitated. She wasn’t all that hungry herself yet.

‘Or we could have coffee first?’

Willow smiled. ‘I can always drink more coffee.’

************


Tara sat at the kitchen table, clutching the mug that Willow had filled.

‘So, did you see Julie. At the office?’ She hoped she didn’t sound pushy, but it seemed important, somehow, to learn more about the one friend in the city that Willow had mentioned. A guilty look flashed across Willow’s face, unnerving Tara for a moment. She relaxed again when Willow began to speak.

‘No, I really should have done . . . but the Monday meeting drags on sometimes and I didn’t want to wait.’

Tara risked another question, ‘What’s she like?’

Hesitantly at first, and then with growing confidence, Willow described the lively Irishwoman she had encountered on her first day at work.

It was clear that the older woman had taken the shy newcomer under her wing from the start. Tara was glad of that.

‘She’s been married forever and she talks about her husband all the time, you know the way some people do, without even realising?’ The wistful note in Willow’s voice made Tara blink quickly and look away for a second.

‘I had this picture of him in my mind, you know? This mild little guy who teaches middle school and never gets a word in with Julie around, but doesn’t mind really. Then one day she showed me a photo and he’s a 6’5” African American giant who looks like an ex-football player. Actually, he is an ex-football player.’

‘Still doesn’t mean he gets a word in edgeways,’ Tara smiled.

‘True,’ Willow smiled back. ‘In fact, I’m sure you’re right about that.’

Tara wondered why Willow had never met the man. Julie sounded like the kind of person who would have invited a lonely new colleague to her home. Perhaps she had. Perhaps Willow couldn’t face the prospect of an afternoon in the middle of a happy, noisy family. Tara pushed the idea away and settled back in her chair, allowing herself the luxury of just observing the Willow. She was wearing a deep purple top that clashed brilliantly with her hair. It wasn’t as close-fitting as Tara remembered, but still, she loved the way the bright colour seemed to fit Willow’s vivid energy. Tara recalled the mild shock she had felt when she realised, the first time they embraced, that Willow was a little shorter than she was. She had always seemed to fill any room she entered. She did so now. Her hands were a blur of movement as she sketched out the story she was telling and every light in the room seemed drawn to her, as if its destiny were to sparkle in her wide eyes.

A flash of red jolted Tara from the trance she had slipped into. Willow was rudely poking her tongue out at her.

‘You haven’t heard a word I just said, have you?’ Willow pouted as Tara laughed in denial and then surprised herself by managing a fairly accurate summary of the story. Willow’s eyes narrowed in mock suspicion as she listened to Tara’s account, then she nodded reluctantly, as if granting a large concession. Tara pretended to lick a finger and mimed the scoring of a point while Willow sat back, her arms folded in exaggerated disgruntlement.

Tara laughed again. Then it hit her. It spread through her body like a scalding liquid.

The thought was a terrifying one, and yet she felt completely calm.

I’m not leaving here without Willow.

The quizzical look on Willow’s face made Tara realise that she must have spaced out for a second.

‘So, ready for dinner?’

Tara stumbled a little as she stood up. Catching the look of concern on Willow’s face, she remarked nonchalantly,

‘Oops - two left feet.’

Willow still looked a little uneasy, but her tone was cheerful, ‘Yep. Dinner it is.’

**************

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Last edited by wayland on Wed Jul 20, 2011 2:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 2nd July 2011)
PostPosted: Wed Jul 20, 2011 2:31 pm 
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7. Teeny Tinkerbell Light
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Dibs!

Now you're popular!

ETA:
Well, some of the types of board viewing may be lame and not show how popular you are, but mine does. And that's what matters.

So, I had to go back and read a few previous chapters to check, and I think I'm right: Tara seems hyper-aware of Willow this chapter. Not just of what she's doing (she's always noticed that), but of what Willow must be feeling. How her actions look to Willow.

It fits: Tara wondered last chapter if "this is what forgiveness feels like." She hasn't forgotten what happened, but seems to be both taking blame for her part in it and forgiving Willow for what she did.

At the same time, Willow is in a much more tenuous position: she knows she's wronged Tara, and Tara is now inexplicably here and treating her more and more like from before: Tara is frankly adorable throughout the update. She's not privy to Tara's shifting attitude. I think the terror from the end of the last update is more salient than the hope, but this update feels a lot more like it's about Tara.

Oh, and I didn't catch it before, but I believe "to pull a face" is British; I would say "to make a face."

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Last edited by BeMyDeputy on Fri Jul 29, 2011 9:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 20th July 2011)
PostPosted: Wed Jul 20, 2011 3:56 pm 
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Update...Yay!!

Tara is beginning to soften and see things differently, which makes me very happy! :grin Willow still seems to be nervous and watching her words carefully, but I think now that Tara's feelings have shifted, Willow will relax even more. Which is great because it paves the way for a total reconciliation.

I loved Tara's little moment of truth at the end...
Quote:
Tara laughed again. Then it hit her. It spread through her body like a scalding liquid. The thought was a terrifying one, and yet she felt completely calm. I’m not leaving here without Willow.
There is no way she cannot love Willow or not want Willow, just like how Willow missed her having only been apart for an hour. I would sure like to see Tara stay, instead of Willow going back to SD...no hellmouth, start over, new life, etc. But that's just wishful thinking on my part:)

Awesome as always!!!

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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 2nd July 2011)
PostPosted: Wed Jul 20, 2011 8:26 pm 
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wayland wrote:


Tara laughed again. Then it hit her. It spread through her body like a scalding liquid.

The thought was a terrifying one, and yet she felt completely calm.

I’m not leaving here without Willow.





I really hope that Tara doesn't leave without Willow. I guess Tara is starting to feel hopeful also.


Last edited by love_2003 on Mon Jul 16, 2012 9:29 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 20th July 2011)
PostPosted: Thu Jul 21, 2011 1:26 pm 
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It's goung sweet. There's a lot to catch up and mend and stuff so, update
And, ey! Leaving without Willow, not an option


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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 20th July 2011)
PostPosted: Thu Jul 28, 2011 2:10 am 
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Wow, great update. The fear and hesitation is palpable but it's moving in a positive direction... I'm waiting for the moment that will shatter this bubble they've been living in for a while now, though... well not waiting as in hoping ;) I've just got a feeling it's coming!

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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 20th July 2011)
PostPosted: Tue Aug 09, 2011 2:37 pm 
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BeMyDeputy
Hi Kate, and thanks for the feedback. You’re right, Willow is not privy to Tara’s shifting attitudes, so while in some ways they are getting closer, the gap in understanding remains huge. This update was a major turning point for Tara, but Willow doesn’t know that. And yes, Tara is hyper-aware of Willow, but we don’t know if she’s drawing the right conclusions. Thanks for commenting. It really is so helpful.


Finey_McFine
Tara is definitely seeing things differently. She’s finally allowed herself to look at everything that happened, and her feelings about it all have changed since a year ago. Thanks for reading and leaving feedback, hope you enjoy the next chapter.


love_2003
Tara is feeling hopeful in this update. You’ll have to read on to see how that turns out! Thanks for reading and commenting.

viximon
You’re so right. Leaving without Willow is not an option. Thanks for commenting.

sadie
A bubble about to shatter? Sounds about time to me. Glad you are enjoying the story, and thanks for commenting, Sadie.

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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 20th July 2011)
PostPosted: Tue Aug 09, 2011 2:54 pm 
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TITLE: Donegal Street

AUTHOR: Wayland

RATING: PG-13

DISCLAIMER: Willow, Tara and any other characters from the Buffy the Vampire Slayer franchise belong to Joss Whedon, FOX and ME.

SPOILERS: Up to and including Season Six.

SUMMARY: Tara left Willow after Tabula Rasa. It is now about a year later.

FEEDBACK: I would be grateful for your comments.

NOTES: Thanks to my beta, Vivienne, for the encouragement I needed to get this far and to Julia for reading and offering suggestions. Thanks to BeMyDeputy for invaluable input.



Chapter 12


The sky had clouded over and it was already getting dark as they strolled the streets of Willow’s neighbourhood. Tara pushed her hands deep into her coat pockets. It felt strange, walking like this, consciously resisting the pull towards Willow. It would surely be more natural to slip her arm into the crook of Willow’s elbow, to draw her close and form a warm unit against the afternoon chill together. The feeling was familiar. It reminded Tara of those first weeks they had known each other; a bitter trace at the edge of something sweet.

They paused at every restaurant they came to, peering through glass into the warmly lit interiors, then stepping back to exchange a wordless commentary of raised eyebrows and grimaces. Too crowded. Too empty. And, with matching glances of mock-alarm, too loud.

Finally they stood outside a small Spanish bar, examining the menu which was displayed behind a glass-covered panel by the door. Willow ran her gloved finger along the stylised writing, gleefully mangling the pronunciation as she read aloud. Tara squinted over her shoulder, trying to decipher words obscured by condensation.

‘Well, I’m hungry and it’s getting cold, so my vote’s for Menu of Mystery.’

Willow quickly agreed, ‘Casa Incognita it is.’

************


The tapas bar was a good choice. The myriad of tiny dishes they had ordered provided ample material for small talk. Tara sipped her beer and scraped at the loose edge of the bottle label with her thumb, attempting to avoid staring too obviously at Willow. She realised - with a start - that she was actually rationing herself, two mouthfuls of food and then she could look up, one more sip of beer and she could look at her again. Willow was poking at a piece of particularly fatty sausage with her fork, a look of comical disgust on her face. Neither of them had dared try it. The delicacy had sounded so much better than it looked. Tara wasn’t seeing it anyway, her eyes were fixed on Willow’s long, elegant fingers as she performed an impromptu dissection of the offending tapas.

Most other diners had come and gone by the time they ordered coffee. The restaurant had a selection of desserts chalked on a blackboard, all of them decidedly unSpanish for some reason. Tara wasn’t hungry any more and she suspected that Willow wasn’t either, but they both took some time discussing the menu before deciding to share a cake.

The waiter placed their order in the middle of the table and gave them a fork and spoon each. They had to lean in towards each other to reach the shared plate.

‘Did you know that tiramisu means pick-me-up in English?’ Willow held up a spoonful of cake, as if for demonstration purposes.

‘Really? How strange that they gave that name to a combination of caffeine, sugar and alcohol.’ Tara’s reply was equally grave in tone.

‘Isn’t it? Of course, if you have too much, they change the name to knock me down into a coma-like state of indefinite duration.’ Willow bestowed the information in a scholarly tone.

‘Of course,’ said Tara, frowning in contemplation as she chased the last of the crumbs around the plate with her fork.

Willow licked the back of her spoon. ‘It sounds prettier in Italian, obviously.’

Tara nodded sagely. ‘Most things do.’

Willow listened to herself talk, like a spectator at the conversation. She sounded normal. Relaxed. Charming, even. Tara had asked for the check and was now absently folding the slip of paper into crisp creases using her thumbnail. Willow noticed a pale pink mark on the inside of Tara’s forearm. It looked like the faded remnant of a burn, the kind you get when you carelessly remove a hot tray from an oven. The sight made Willow want to sob. And yet she could hear her own voice, talking with animation, talking easily, with no sign of distress. She felt as if a sheet of glass separated her from herself, from the smiling woman who was calmly agreeing the calculation of the tip they should leave.

They paid the check, splitting it equally without discussion, then collected their coats and stepped out of the restaurant and onto the street. It was fully dark now, and the temperature had dropped sharply. This time they walked briskly. Tara paid little attention to their surroundings, her eyes were fixed on Willow’s profile as she kept up a wry commentary on the weather, her words punctuated by puffs of steam as her breath met the cold night air. With a shock, Tara realised that they were back on Donegal Street, outside Willow’s building. She felt an absurd desire to suggest they just keep walking. The apartment suddenly seemed too small.

As they climbed the steps, Willow tugged her glove off with her teeth, still talking through a mouthful of wool, and rummaged in her pocket for the keys.

‘So, The Beach Boys have a lot to answer for, if you ask me.’

Tara had long since lost track of the conversation - monologue - but she agreed anyway as she followed Willow inside.

They hung up their coats and then went into the kitchen. Tara took in the sight of the dirty dishes stacked by the sink with a pang of guilt. She had considered washing them earlier, when Willow had left for the office, but it had seemed a little presumptuous. She saw that Willow had followed the direction of her eyes and was already rolling up her sleeves. Tara quickly offered to help but received a firm instruction to go and relax. She opened her mouth, ready to insist, but a belated recognition of something in Willow’s voice kept her silent. It had sounded like relief. Tara felt heat rush to her face as she thought back over the evening. She knew well that Willow talked when she was happy and when she was excited, but also when she was nervous.

Tara walked slowly into the living room and sat down. A few moments later she picked up the remote from the coffee table and switched on the television. Setting the volume low, she searched until she found a news station. She listened to the headlines and when they concluded she turned off the set and leaned back in her seat. She noticed a magazine poking out from behind a cushion. The pages were crumpled. Smoothing out the creases, her hand shook a little. Willow kept her magazines pristine. Even the TV guide went in mint condition to the recycling bin.

Tara replayed the evening yet again. The light-hearted chat in the restaurant. It had felt so . . . right. She looked again at the crumpled magazine in her hand, and then to the door of the kitchen. She felt a flickering of unease. Perhaps she ought to go to the guest room, to keep out of the way? But it was much too early to go to bed and she didn’t want to appear to be hiding. Even if she was.

Willow washed and dried the breakfast dishes with exaggerated care. She held the glasses with particular delicacy, as if afraid they would shatter under the pressure of her fingers. It was rude to leave Tara alone in the living room. She was her guest, after all. Unless she wanted some space, of course. By now, she was probably desperate for some time alone.

Unsatisfied with the clarity of the glass she was holding, Willow washed it again.

When they’d arrived back at the apartment it had taken all of her strength not to rush to the bathroom and examine her face in the mirror. She knew what she would see, of course - the same unremarkable woman everyone else saw. It was just hard to believe. The chaos inside ought to leave some outward sign.

She felt as if her thoughts had taken on physical form. She could picture them, racing around her head like over-heated molecules, colliding with each other and with the inside of her skull, picking up speed with every impact.

It was hard to breathe, she couldn’t suck up enough oxygen to feed the frenzied activity of her brain.

It was the exact opposite of magic, when all her thoughts interlocked with beautiful precision into one, perfect focus. Or math. She seized on the second analogy with gratitude. Math. Perfect. Pure.

The Fibonacci Sequence. A playful argument from years before. Defending her passion to Tara with the help of a sliver of ammonite, taken from her childhood fossil collection. Willow ran through the sequence, calculating with fierce concentration, but the image of Tara, cradling the polished stone, a look of delighted wonder on her face, pushed aside every number.

Her hair was blond in those days. It was loose, forming a fan across her shoulders, catching the light. A golden triangle. Willow remembered laughing at her own joke.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

She had a cup in one hand, a dish cloth in the other. For a second she stared at them, bewildered. Then she set the cup down on the counter with a loud crack and tossed the cloth aside.

A couple of long strides took her to the living room. Willow pushed the door open with some force. Tara jerked her head up from the magazine she was reading.

‘We should go out. For coffee. Before it’s too late.’

Tara frowned in obvious confusion, but obediently got up from the couch.

‘Well . . . sure, but isn’t there coffee here?’

‘But we could go out.’

Tara had begun to move forward. Now she stopped abruptly. ‘Why?’ She raised her eyebrows to emphasise the question, then let them fall.

Willow stood awkwardly, shifting her weight from one foot to another. Her mind was blank. Tara simply stood still, meeting her gaze. Willow pushed her hair behind her ears, stalling. She should have thought this through. She should have prepared some sane reason for wanting to go back out. The coffee machine was broken. They were out of coffee. The barista at the local coffee shop was cute. No, that one wasn’t even half-way sane. She tried to look away, but Tara . . . Tara was compelling. Her blue eyes shone. She could study them for a lifetime and never reach their depths. Look away. Her brain refused to transmit the command to her eyes. Willow pushed her head down a fraction. Tara’s lips. Soft, full, red. Willow tilted her head to the right. A wisp of her hair, caressing the curve of her cheek.

There was nowhere else to look. Tara was everywhere.

Something in Willow gave way. It was a soft sensation. Like rain gathered on a leaf, its weight finally tipped and fell. She looked straight at Tara and spoke clearly, deliberately.

‘Because if we stay here I’m going to kiss you.’

Tara blinked, once, but did not move. Her eyes never left Willow. She was so still, she hardly seemed to be breathing.

Willow kept her eyes locked onto Tara’s face as she took a step forward. She felt as though she were on a tightrope, as if looking away, even for a split second, might make her lose her balance and fall. She took another step. Then one more.

When only a hand’s breadth separated them, she leaned closer.

Tara felt the quiver begin in Willow’s lips a second after they pressed against her own. She reached out and placed her hands gently on Willow’s waist. The tremor intensified and spread down Willow’s body, until Tara could feel it on her fingertips. She held on tighter, but the shaking became more violent, until with a hoarse gasp, Willow pulled away, buried her face in Tara’s shoulder, and began to sob.

For a few moments Tara just held her, supporting her weight easily, then she pulled them both down onto the couch, cradling the smaller woman in her arms.

She stroked Willow’s hair away from her face, all the while murmuring soft words until the shaking lessened and finally stopped.

‘Remind you of anything?’ Tara’s voice was gentle, a trace of humour lacing the words.

Willow pushed herself upright, wiping her eyes with the other hand. Tara felt intense relief when, at last, she saw a shaky smile of recognition.

It had happened in her dorm room.

They were reading. Sitting side by side on her bed, a magic book precariously balanced between them, resting on their laps. Their heads were almost touching as they scanned the text intently, looking for the mistake that had made their last spell fail. At exactly the same moment they spotted it; a minor mispronunciation that had caused the whole problem. They looked up and turned to each other in unison, both smiling with delight. Willow’s green eyes were wide and sparkling. Her hair, swinging loose, shimmered as she spun round. She threw her hands up and grasped Tara’s shoulders.

Willow took a deep breath, clearly bursting to celebrate their discovery in a torrent of words.

And Tara kissed her open mouth.

A split second later the horror of what she had done hit her.

She hadn’t meant to do it. God, she hadn’t meant to do it.

Thinking before she spoke was second nature to her, but for weeks now, she had maintained an even more rigid discipline. Every move she made, every seemingly casual gesture, had been subjected to a ruthless mental rehearsal. Nothing too close. Nothing too intimate. Nothing that suggested even a trace of the nature of her true feelings. It was exhausting. Often, after Willow left, she collapsed onto her bed, drained by the effort. Her every muscle ached from the strain. That didn’t matter. Keeping Willow’s friendship was all that mattered, keeping Willow.

And now it was ruined. She had ruined it. In one moment, she had destroyed everything.

Tara jerked back, jumping to her feet, heedless of the precious book which crashed to the floor. She was at the door, scrabbling to get out, her fingers frantic at the stubborn lock. Then she felt something she could not comprehend. Strong arms wrapped around her waist. The lock would not turn. Her body began to shake with sobs, her eyes blurred with tears. As if from a distance, she heard soothing words in her ear but could not decipher them. It was only when she felt an impossibly soft warmth on her neck that she finally understood. Willow was holding her. Willow was kissing her.

Tara, a shuddering, crying wreck, had never in her life, experienced such an explosion of joy. Willow.


Caught up in the memory, Tara was still smiling when she realised that Willow had ducked her head. She gently stroked her cheek.

‘Willow?’

Willow pressed into Tara’s shoulder, hiding her face. She shook her head from side to side. Her voice was muffled,

‘I’m sorry. So sorry.’

A second later she raised her head. Tara flinched when she saw her expression. It was one she had never before seen on Willow’s face. Absolute defeat.

Her voice was lifeless, ‘I can’t do this.’

Tara felt the couch dip; there was a blur of movement.

Then Willow was gone, and Tara sat alone, her hand still raised over the space where her lover had been.


************

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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 9th August 2011)
PostPosted: Tue Aug 09, 2011 4:29 pm 
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Dibs

ETA: What a great chapter. I have to admit that I did not like the first 3/4 of it until I got to the last 1/4. Then it paid off so beautifully. You did such a great job of setting up a claustrophobic, uncomfortable, dark evening. They're walking in the weather but won't reach out and they pick a restaurant that they can't even read the menu and then stay because they just sort of don't have the incentive to leave. It's oppressively uncomfortable. It's like... I keep waiting for them to talk or something. To figure out where they are today and where they want to be tomorrow. And then it hits me that maybe they don't need to do that at all. Maybe they could just fuck and let go. And I do mean fuck. I'm not saying that they don't need to make love because of course they do but maybe first they need to just fuck and release the flood gates. And then talk. And then make love. Forever. Because right now it's just building and building and it's so ... uncomfortable. So well done on the uncomfortable.

I love the Fibonacci sequence. There are these math/knitting freaks who do fantastic stuff and they have this cool fibonacci blanket. Clearly that's OT...

Quote:
...she set the cup down on the counter with a loud crack
a loud crack like it broke or like it made a loud noise?

Quote:
Something in Willow gave way. It was a soft sensation. Like rain gathered on a leaf, its weight finally tipped and fell. She looked straight at Tara and spoke clearly, deliberately.

‘Because if we stay here I’m going to kiss you.’

Tara blinked, once, but did not move. Her eyes never left Willow. She was so still, she hardly seemed to be breathing.


That line works amazingly well. There have been times in this fic that I've felt like your lack of dialog tags left me wondering who was speaking and I found it confusing. But here the tag from the paragraph before works perfectly. But then the sentence is just there by itself. I'm curious whether you had a draft in which you said something like "the words hung in the air" or "the words filled the room and then it was nothing but silence"... I think many writers would have done that but that would have taken some of the power of the words. As it is, the words fill the space as if she had shouted them or pounded a drum. I almost like to imagine her whispering and it taking Tara over. I love that after speaking Willow is the one who moves toward Tara. I feel like frequently you read one person doing the first brave thing (speaking) and the other doing the second (moving). But here Willow is strong and brave.

I think that the flashback is perfect in terms of throwing up a buffer zone between the kiss and crying and the panicked running. I think that without the flashback it would just seem... impulsive... I don't know if that's the word. Instead it seems to parrallel the earlier time that Willow realized that Tara thought the woman at work was more than a woman at work and she ran out. I only hope that Tara can continue to hold the sanity. Hold the hope and committment. Because I feel like that's what she's doing here. She's just sort of holding. She's moved as far as the city and as far as missing class and work and so on and so forth but she seems to be waiting.

Anyway... I feel like I've lost my thread so let me return to this one. Great chapter! Well done! More please! Soon.

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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 9th August 2011)
PostPosted: Tue Aug 09, 2011 6:52 pm 
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Beautiful, agonizing, keep it coming!


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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 9th August 2011)
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2 steps forward 10 steps back....

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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 9th August 2011)
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What the....!!!
Nooooooooo
You can't stop now. Can't leave them this way.
I'm sure we all readears are aching for both of them so you have to keep this story up and amend this broken relationship


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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 9th August 2011)
PostPosted: Thu Aug 11, 2011 7:19 pm 
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Really leaving us hanging. This story really touches me. Thanks for writing.

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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 9th August 2011)
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Hi Clare!

Wow...GREAT chapter! I think this has been my favorite thus far. Once again you paint an awkward and uncomfortable portrait of two people that desperately want to be together, but aren't quite there yet. It's like walking through wet cement; even though you are walking forward: you're still stuck.

My emotions were so up and down through this entire chapter. I was so happy to see them kiss and then heart broken at Willow's reaction to it all. I actually teared up! It was just downright painful to read!!

But...it just left me wanting MORE!! Can't wait to see what Tara does next!! Hurry and update!!!!!!! lol.

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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 9th August 2011)
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I was so proud of Willow for saying she wanted to kiss Tara but then afterwards she just got up and left. I hope Tara goes after her.


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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 9th August 2011)
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Oh wow. Intense and oppressing... that bubble shattered all right! A whole new 'where to go from here?' now. Loved the flashback as well, and hopefully, since the memory popped up in Tara's head, she'll go after Willow and not accept defeat now. Thanks for sharing!!!

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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 9th August 2011)
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Why was Fibonacci afraid of five?

If I was less lazy, I'd go back and see how many of my replies to posts begin "I really loved/enjoyed this chapter." I was about to start this feedback like this, but then realized that I think I say that a lot. So I won't. Of course, I've now meta-said it . . . sigh.

I pulled up my original response to this chapter, and I think it sums up a lot:
Quote:
You are an evil woman.

Really? It stops there? Really?


Anyway, I was glad during this chapter that I have spent some time thinking about how you structure your chapters. It's very distinct. It also lends itself to slow, mundane introductions to things. So much of each chapter seems to be about the angle of the story arc, the contrast between the emotional state of the start and the end. So while the chapter opened really slowly, I anticipated that it was deliberately done to emphasize the climax. And I think it worked.

I was impressed that you had me completely tricked: though we see throughout the chapter that Willow is confused and upset, it's only the emotional state we get, not the content. So her flight at the end completely took me by surprise. When I went back and reread, I was impressed with the selective details you provided. Nicely done.

The flashback was well done and very well placed; it and the line towards the front that refers to the start of their relationship help pull the chapter together. It heightens the contrast between where Willow and Tara are emotionally, and when Willow recedes it makes a much bigger impact.

Quote:
Something in Willow gave way. It was a soft sensation. Like rain gathered on a leaf, its weight finally tipped and fell. She looked straight at Tara and spoke clearly, deliberately.

‘Because if we stay here I’m going to kiss you.’


So, I know Deb quoted these lines, but I've come to a totally different conclusion about them. Not the bit about them being good, because they really are. But I don't see this as Willow being strong and brave, but rather as her being weak. Kissing Tara here is a mistake.

This whole story, Tara's been changing: forgiving, accepting, moving forward. But Willow's still in the same place: she knows she's wronged the woman she loves, and that it cost her. She has to learn to be a whole person without Tara in her life, because Tara will leave. So all kissing Tara does is make it worse: drags her closer to Tara and further from what she needs. It's an even more powerful reminder of what she's lost.

Now, I'm sure that this is colored by seeing Willow's story through the lens of depression and my own experience learning that feeling depressed and sexy-type kissing (and more) activities should be kept far, far apart. But it's what I see.

Anyway, dammit woman, I wanna know how this ends. So, gimmie.

Answer: Because 5-8-13.

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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 9th August 2011)
PostPosted: Wed Aug 24, 2011 4:19 am 
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Katie says
Quote:
Kissing Tara here is a mistake.
I will disagree directly with that statement regardless of context. In every moment human beings have a choice: love or fear. Love is always the more evolved choice. Always. I'm not saying that kissing = love but running from the room certainly doesn't. Running from the room is fear. Not talking is fear. Not growing is fear. If the kiss moves Willow closer to the growth she needs to love, then it is an act of love.

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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 9th August 2011)
PostPosted: Wed Aug 24, 2011 11:26 am 
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JustSkipIt wrote:
Katie says
Quote:
Kissing Tara here is a mistake.
I will disagree directly with that statement regardless of context. In every moment human beings have a choice: love or fear. Love is always the more evolved choice. Always. I'm not saying that kissing = love but running from the room certainly doesn't. Running from the room is fear. Not talking is fear. Not growing is fear. If the kiss moves Willow closer to the growth she needs to love, then it is an act of love.
Agreed! Willow was feeling, she stopped thinking. She loves Tara and she went where her heart told her to go. Yes, she's been upset and yes, she's been confused but they are a year past all the really bad stuff and it's time to heal. I didn't really get the feeling that it was super sexy-type kissing; what I got from it was that Willow needed to feel Tara and know that there was still hope. Running was a knee jerk reaction, probably not the smartest thing to do, but reactionary just the same. It's Willow's first instinct and something that she needs to stop doing if they have any hope at reconciliation.

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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 9th August 2011)
PostPosted: Sat Aug 27, 2011 3:05 am 
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Sorry ladies, I still say that Willow kissing Tara here is a mistake. Her first goal has to be to take care of herself, and kissing Tara moves her far away from that goal.

For a moment, we can forget that this is the board and that we know what Tara is thinking. Instead, let's consider Willow's point of view. Willow hurt Tara. In a terrible, unforgivable way. In order to help herself move on, she went to apologize. Kinda like the whole making amends step in AA. Then Tara shows up. It has been days of excruciating closeness to someone she wants but cannot have. Someone who will leave. Probably soon. This is making it really hard for Willow to take care of herself and continue to move in with her life. Because that's the only option she has. Well, that and perpetual misery.

Kissing Tara doesn't help Willow move on. Kissing Tara is like pouring alcohol on a wound before ripping the bandage off.

It just makes everything worse.

It isn't an overture towards fixing their relationship. It's Willow giving in to her physical desire even when she knows it is a bad idea. She even frames it as something she knows is wrong: she is trying to get them out of the house to avoid it. And if Tara was more responsible, more considerate of what Willow is going through, she wouldn't have let it happen. Not like that. She would have asked why Willow didn't want to kiss her.

The way Willow leaves is just as telling: she looks up in defeat. She's not afraid of a relationship with Tara. She's not afraid of loving Tara. She can't keep going like they've been going and keep her head together.


Deb, I can't really argue with you because not only do I not accept your premise, your premise makes so little sense to me that I can't look at the situation from that viewpoint. So, I disagree with you, but the cause is a world view difference and so hard to see eye to eye about. So, congratulations, you confuse me.

Shelby, I don't think that the problem ever was that Willow wasn't feeling. I think it's clear that neither one has stopped loving the other. She isn't going where her heart is telling her to go, she is going where her body is telling her to go. It's like in NMR, when Willow physically reacts to Oz touching her. She still loves him, is still attracted to him, but acting on those feelings would have been a mistake: it would have been a disservice to herself and to Tara. It isn't completely parallel, but is similar in that kissing when you're trying to avoid emotional badness is a terrible plan. Even if it wasn't sexy-type kissing (which I agree, it doesn't seem to be).

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 Post subject: Re: New Fic - Donegal Street (updated 9th August 2011)
PostPosted: Sat Aug 27, 2011 1:32 pm 
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2. Floating Rose
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Joined: Mon Apr 19, 2010 7:43 am
Posts: 29
Location: UK
I think I still haven't commented on this last chapter: great writing as always, I really want to see how Tara is going to react to Willow running away from the room and also when they'll finally realise how the other is actually feeling and reasoning. By the way I was reading the replies and I must say I totally agree with Kate on this one. Yes, from our point of view Willow kissing Tara is a step forward, but from Willow's perspective? She has remained stuck in the same depressed state since leaving Sunnydale and now Tara is sending her confusing messages while just realising herself, to her surprise, that she not going to leave Willow. Of course Willow doesn't think that kissing is a good idea, she is practically panicking every time Tara seems to make a move to leave, let alone doing it for real, and for her that's what will happen.
P.S. sorry for the paraphrasing.

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