Episode 7.1 - "Bobby" : A Spoof

[The Big I T]

snipp, I love the way you take liberties with the 15-year-old version of me. of course, that begs the question of what liberties you might be induced to take with the current version thereof.



oh, and about that misguided Bobo liaison thingy? in my defense, it was Bobo's shaved head biker look that led me "astray". sort of reminiscent of Tara's shaved head look...sort of. at least as long as I kept my eyes squeezed shut really, really tight and repeated "Under Your Spell" over and over again in my head to distract me. it was a thing.



and hey...brand new year and you're still cracking me up. amish dawn and spiked xander. perfect. and as for the rest of it, i trust you snipp; you know i do.

[Mrs Vertigo]

*laughs rather maniacly, as her shaky little brain is dangerously nearing the edge of sanity*



*peeks over the edge of sanity a little, with it being already there and all wrapped up in shiny, tingly ribbons of funny*



Wait a... shiny, tingly ribbons of funny? Er...



AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!



*thud*



Damn.

[Rosenberg]

Xander looks confused, not to be mistaken with his normal look.”



LOL, Snippy! And Sister Umad? That was just too funny! By the way, my former neighbors were named Yoder, but we were never invited to a barn raising.



I’m still mulling over the question of how Anya managed to get the mirror out of her back pocket when she was naked. I guess I better not think about it too much, or I’ll get the Xander look on my face (not to be confused with my normal look).

[snippygal]

The Big I T - So you're into the whole shaved head thing, huh? (*Buzz*buzz*buzz* ... that’s my razor not my --- oh you guys!) Just taking some liberties ...



Mrs Vertigo - I believe you have just demonstrated the “gay abandon” I was talking about. That or you are choking on something. Or, you’re completely insane. Either way, it works for me. Except the choking thing. But I don’t think you’re really choking.



Rosenberg - I know your former neighbors. The Yoder’s right? Nice people. Actually, Yoder really is a Midwestern Amish community near where I grew up. My friends and I always used to go and throw ice cream in their faces. Then Harrison Ford beat us up. No sense of humor, that one.



Thanks all. Things are wrapping up and I think you will all like the end. I hope you will. You could quite possibly hate it. A lot. Actually, now that I think about it, it kinda sucks. I think I’m just gonna start all over again with episode one. Writing is like, hard.



Snipp

-----------------------------

"Two? What do you mean you only opened two? ... Well, I can't figure out just two! So let's pretend you opened 200." - The Incompetent Math Teacher, Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.

[Vampivy]

Hey Snippy.

        I love it. I love it. I love it. If I love it anymore I’m afraid I might start touching myself inappropriately . And being that I’m not alone at the moment and I’m not much of an exhibitionist, **Ahem** coughanymorecough **Ahem**, I find myself in a tight spot.

AnyWAY. Now that I got all inappropriate and all. I cannot tell you how much of a breath of fresh air this story is.

Naked Buffy/Anya. Wrestling. Damn. Tricky things those mirrors are.

And Xander demise. Can’t say I’m losing sleep over it, but hey, you had to do what you had to do.

Poor Dawn having been kicked to the curb like that. BooHoo. I’m really broken up about that. Really. I swear. Gotta love Amish Dawn in Vegas though. If I’d see that in Vegas, I’d probably just blame it on the overly consumption of free booze. Oh that reminds me “Kitten Vegas Trip” next month. Yay. Too bad I’m not going to be there. Dammit . But I might make it in March for the Monster Truck Show with a bunch of my cousins. Oh yes, there are good times to be had by all .

Dammit Giles. I knew it. You Lil Pervert.

And lastly. What can possibly go wrong with Willow/Tara nakedness. Apparently Cancer. Oh crap.



Hey Snipp, Snippy, Snippygal. Hmm… catchy name by the way. It has been an extreme pleasure to have had the opportunity of reading “Bobby”.

Brought me to tears on many occasions. Happy tears for sure . And I sense it might be coming to an end. Here’s wishing you find it in your heart to write more of your amazing sense of humor . Hopefully smeared with lots of Willow/Tara goodness .

But in the end I will always be grateful for at least having “Bobby”. (Not Like That)



“Besides, I’m well aware that I could easily overstay my welcome here if things get too crazed”

I truly hope this isn’t how you really feel. Some people don’t have the luxury of having a great sense of humor, let alone a sense of humor at.

Just remember. “This is parody’s mission: it must never be afraid of going too far.”



Patty

[the vamp nurd]

off to vegas?



.



Cancer - Tara? Not good.



No futher comment.

"He beats me with wet noodles!" Amber Benson.

"Bored now." Vamp Willow

[vix84]

Snipples, that was an extremely amusing update! Whether you intended it to be, or not..



Loved poor Umad... and Giles finally getting what he deserves *nods with satisfaction*..



Great update!!



Can't wait for more



-Sal

_________________


Willow laughs, kissing her. Soft and sensual. Deep love territory.
Seeing Red, Shooting Script.

[snippygal]

Vampivy - I can’t be sure, but I think you were oozing. The good kind of oozing where you just can’t say enough good things about how darn funny this whole thing is. Thanks for that. Even if there was no actual ooze involved. Yes, the end is near. We’re entering sweeps and I can’t promise Regis Philbin won’t make an appearance.



the vamp nurd - My mom always used to tell me that things always get their darkest when they’re about to get lighter ... or something like that. She was crazy so she could have been wrong. About a lot of things. Like when she said shrimp is good on a hot dog bun. I think she was talking in metaphors, but what did it all mean?



Not to worry. You’ll get a kick out of it all. I promise.



vix84 - Thank you. I was going for extremely amusing and thought it was only mildly humorous, but apparently I’ve gone all the way, haven’t I? And don’t be too hard on Giles. I feel bad that I’ve painted this monstrous picture of him. He’s a man with a problem. Now I’m brought back to “Drop Dead Gorgeous” with the judge who likes watching “the young girls”. *Shakes head and smiles* That’s our Giles! *Shrugs and winks*



Snipp

-------------------------------------

Charlie: Catherine Keener’s at my house?



Donald: Yeah. We’re playing Boggle.



-Adaptation

[snippygal]

Title: Season 7

Author: snippygal

Rating: Regular font - PAX - PG/ Italics - Kitten-vision - R

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are property of Joss Whedon, ME, and Fox. The ideas expressed in this story are mine -- you can tell cuz they’re funny and lesbians don’t die.

Spoilers: Joss Whedon .. oh, you mean, ha ha. Not those kind of spoilers. Boy is my face red. Yes - Season 7 spoilers, of the fake kind.





“BUFFY” Episode 7.21 - “Over the Top”



LAST TIME:



• Xander’s a dusted vamp

• Dawn’s been sent off to live with the Amish

• Buffy found out Angel’s a woman

• Giles is a sexual offender

• Spike’s got soul

• Joss is in a mental institution hidden away in a cave

• Everything else should be expositioned throughout the episode



AND NOW:

 

Buffy lies in her bed, tangled up in the sheets.  Her head rests on Angel's shoulder.  They both look up at the ceiling and collect their breath.  Even Angel.

 

"Wow," Buffy sighs.  "I never knew lesbian sex could be so hot.  I mean, sure there was the thing with Faith and that one incident with Cordelia, but -- wow!"

 

Angel just smiles with pride.  Buffy continues. “I hope everything’s okay with Will and Tara. They never keep the door locked unless they’re having sex. And I didn’t hear any of the usual slaps and barks, so --”



“I’m sure they’re fine,” Angel assures her.



“Yeah.” Suddenly, Buffy sits up in the bed. “Oh, gosh! I almost forgot! Giles got fired! Principal Johnson told me. I need to get over there to see if he’s completely drunk and suicidal.”



“That’s my Buffy. Saving everyone from themselves.”



“Saving? Huh? Oh, yeah. Sure. No mocking. Definitely gonna save him. Um ... I’ll be back.”



---------------------------------

 

Giles sits in the middle of his living room.  Boxes make up what resembles a fort surrounding him.  A half-empty bottle of scotch sits beside him.  Ice clangs in the glass as he drains it and sets it down on the floor.  He looks beaten.  He lifts his shoulders in a sigh.

 

Buffy walks in and looks around.

 

"What's going on?  I heard you got fired."

 

Giles begins to cry.  Buffy doesn't exactly move to console him.  While he'd been a father figure to her, it always seemed to be more in a George Michael kind of way.  And that sort of creeped her out.  Plus, she'd heard the rumors about his fascination for very young girls.

 

"I tried to be a good librarian, Buffy.  I thought I could have a normal life.  Join the faculty on outings.  Perhaps meet another woman as wonderful as -- as --" Giles snaps his fingers trying to remember.

 

"Jenny?"  Buffy assists.

 

"Yes!  Jenny.  But -- I tried too hard."

 

"What do you mean?"

 

Giles shakes his head.  "Time Life Books."

 

"Time Life Books?"

 

"I just ordered one.  For the library.  A book on elk.  We didn't have any books on elk.  So I ordered one."

 

"Okay?  So?"

 

"Then they sent me more books.  More series.  Books on ancient ruins.  The Grand Canyon.  Christmas books, Easter books, how-to's like crochet and gourmet flambè.  They kept coming and coming."

 

"Why didn't you just send them back?"

 

"Buffy, there was no time.  It just got to be too much."

 

"Why didn't you call the 1-800 number to cancel after 30 days."

 

"Who remembers to do that?"

 

Buffy shrugs.

 

"I got in too deep, Buffy.  The books were too much.  They kept piling up.  Blasted Time Life!" Giles yells as he takes a swig from the bottle.

 

Buffy begins pacing around him with her arms crossed over her chest.  She struts a little, tosses her hair and sort of looks around like she's better than the rest of the world.

 

"So this is what a washed-up librarian looks like.  A man who's lost everything.  A man who can't handle a few books.  Giles, I've seen you in the face of danger.  You weren't exactly laughing.  In fact, I think you even may have ruined a perfectly good pair of tweed pants.  But this -- this belligerent alcoholic dirty old man. This is just awful"

 

She shakes her head in disapproval while he hangs his in shame.  Suddenly Buffy's eyes widen.



"Giles, you didn't -- I mean, you and Dawn didn't --"



"Lord no!  Dawn's not a -- I mean, just no."

 

"Oh, okay." Buffy extends her hand down to Giles.  "Come on."

 

He looks up at her like a helpless puppy.  "Where are we going?"

 

"You're coming back to stay my house.  Dawn's room is open, now."

 

"Where did she go?"

 

"Amish country,"  Buffy answers, failing to hide her satisfied smile.  "She saw Willow and Tara kiss on the show, so she had to be sent away because she was so traumatized."

 

Giles stares at Buffy, taking in the update.  After a moment, his face changes and he bursts into a cackled laughter sounding as if he's been smoking for twenty years.  Buffy doesn't really understand what's so funny, but laughs along all the same.

 

------------------------

 

Willow stands at the window looking at the dark sky.  Tara lies in the bed, the moonlight shining on her bald head.  Willow turns back and gazes at her longingly.

 

"My poor Tara,"  Willow laments outloud.  "I know how long and drawn out this sort of thing can be.  I need to do something now.  Something to show her how much I love her.  A big gesture."  Willow's brain begins sifting through big elaborate plans involving flowers and chocolate sauce.  "No,"  she shakes her head.  "I've got to think bigger."

 

Tara tosses in the bed and mumbles as she opens her eyes a crack to peek at her girlfriend.

 

"Willow, sweetie, stop talking to yourself and come to bed," she says with a sleepy little smirk.  "I don't like you standing so close to the window.  It's dangerous."

 

She rolls back over and begins a quiet snore.  Willow tiptoes over to her and places a light kiss on her forehead.  "I'll be back, love.  There's just something I have to do first."

 

Willow grabs her trapeze leotard from the closet and leaves the room, silently closing the door behind her.

 

-------------------------

 

Buffy and Giles are still laughing.

 

"And now I can have all the sex I want to with Angel!  Apparently his -- I mean -- her soul was really just her repressed femininity."

 

More laughter.

 

"And -- and Xander's a vampire?"  Giles manages through chuckled gasps. 



“Was!”



"But whatever will we do without his carpentry skills!"

 

Big laughter at that one.

 

"Dawn was sent away just because she saw two girls kissing!"  Buffy guffaws.

 

"And I like to have sex with virgins!"  Giles busts.

 

Buffy stops laughing, reluctantly followed by a hiccupping Giles.

 

"Giles, that's not funny.  It's creepy.  You have a creepy problem."

 

Giles hangs his head again.  "Yes.  Yes, I know."

 

Buffy places her hand on his shoulder.  "Let's go home, Giles.  Let's go home."

 

As they leave, Giles stops and looks at Buffy.

 

"Wait.  Did you say Willow and Tara kissed on screen?"

 

"Yeah,"  Buffy shrugs.  "So what?"

 

"Oh, this could be disastrous."

 

"It was just a little kiss.  No big."

 

"Buffy," Giles says, taking off his glasses for no apparent reason.  "A kiss between two women on PAX TV could have dire consequences.  We have to be sure Willow and Tara are safe."



They rush out.



------------------------------



It's morning by the time Buffy and Giles arrive at the house. When they walk in that door (yes, Buffy literally walks into the door. Giles simply opens it and walks through the doorway) they see a hospital bed set up in the living room. Tara lies in it, under the blankets, looking deathly ill.



"Tara!" Buffy rushes to her side. "What's wrong?"



"I got my script pages last night," she weakly replies. "They've given me cancer. I'm going to die."



"But they're not shooting right now. Why are you all with the sickly?"



Tara crooks a finger and Buffy leans in. Tara whispers in her ear. "It's called method acting. I'm preparing for the role."



Buffy sits up and wrinkles her eyebrows. "You mean, you don't just memorize your lines? Cuz that's what I do."



Giles steps up. "Well, Buffy, you haven't had much character development in six years. Really all you can do is simply memorize the lines."



"You should talk," Buffy scoffs at him.



"I've had development!" Giles defends. "Why, I went from stuffy Englishman to charming, dashing wanderer to --"



"Creepy pedophile guy."



Giles' eyes water as he backs away. "Yes. Well, touchè," he says quietly. "I'll just go make some tea for everyone." He slinks into the kitchen while Buffy turns her attention back to Tara.



"Where's Willow?"



"I'm not sure. She was gone when I woke up this morning."



"Hey, you know, Tara, I'm real sorry about the cancer thing," Buffy tries, uncomfortably. "That's a drag."



Tara shrugs. "Television just isn't ready to realistically deal with a lesbian relationship."



Buffy looks down at her feet. She'd always taken her on-screen sex time for granted. But after sleeping with Angel and all her girly parts, Buffy was beginning to understand. For the first time in her life. Her head snaps up. "What about Joss? Can't he do something? I mean, wasn't he the one who got you two your first kiss?"



"No one can find him, Buffy. He's still MIA. No, I think this is a lost battle. Chalk one up for the bad guys."



Buffy feels a tap on her shoulder, which startles her. She leaps backwards and falls in top of --



"Spike."



"Hello, Buffy," Spike says calmly, welcoming being pinned beneath the slayer.



"How did you get in here?"



"Sewers. They're connected to your basement. Set construction put them in over the summer. I guess everyone thought they were connected to everything else, why not to your house too."



Giles walks in to see who the new visitor is. "Ah! Spike! Hello! Would you care for some tea? Let me get you some tea! I'm already making some." He makes his way back into the kitchen and begins running around like the Mad Hatter, excitedly fixing tea for everyone.



"Spike, why are you here?" Buffy asks.



He steps closer to her. "Buffy, I know you wanna leave me. But I refuse to let you go. If I have to beg, plead for your sympathy, I don't mind, 'cause you mean that much to me. Ain't too proud to beg, sweet darlin'. Please don't leave me girl -- "



"Spike! Stop!"



"What?"



Buffy stands back, puts her finger in the air and begins rolling her head around in what looks like -- is it? Could it be? It is! -- Buffy's found her groove! "You better think --"



Tara sits up in the bed, bopping her head and waving her finger in the air and says "Think!"



" -- Think about what you're trying to do to me. Think -- "



"Think! Think!" Tara pipes up again.



" -- Let your mind go, let yourself be free."



"But --" Spike begins, but is interrupted by Buffy.



"Let's go back, let's go back, let's go way on to way back when. I didn't even know you, you couldn'ta been too much more than ten --"



Willow walks in wearing her leotard and instantly sits next to Tara on the bed. "What's going on, baby?"



"Spike still wants Buffy, but she's putting him in his place with some Motown. And Giles is making tea."



Giles peeks his head around the corner. "Willow! How marvelous! Tea?" He disappears again.

Willow begins bobbing along with Tara.



" -- Oh, you better think -- "



Willow and Tara put their heads together. "Think!"



" -- Think about what you're trying to do to me. Think -- "



"Think! Think!"



" -- Let your mind go, let yourself be free."



Just then, Anya walks in. Willow and Tara stand to greet her at the door. Angel walks down the stairs in a flattering sun dress. "Hi girls!" she says, wiggling her fingers as she joins Willow, Tara and Anya behind Buffy. They all begin swaying together. Out pops Giles.



"Anya! Angel! Tea?" Before they can answer, he has ducked back into the kitchen.



Buffy's now in Spike's face, readying to drive it home. "Freedom -- "



The four other women move together in a line. "Freedom!"



" -- Let's have some freedom -- "



"Freedom!"



" -- Oh freedom! Yeah freedom!"



"Yeah!" Willow, Tara, Anya and Angel all yell with their fists in the air.



Now the room is quiet. Spike stares down at Buffy, speechless and desperately searching his mind for another song.



"Buffy, these arms of mine, they are lonely. Lonely and feeling blue. These arms of mine, they are yearning. Yearning from wanting you. And if you would let them hold you, oh I’ll breathe -"



"Just stop!" Buffy yells. Spike stops. It's dead quiet. Giles enters with a large tray and stops at the sudden tension in the room.



"Spike, I'd kill you, but I can't. You've got soul and that is rare these days. You need to leave town. Go be soulful somewhere else. And Giles," she says, turning to her Watcher, "if you don't leave, we'll spend countless episodes on a trial and then I won't -- I mean, then no one else will get any face time. I refuse to let this show go down without a fight."



Angel leans into Anya. "That's my girl," she whispers. "She's so butch."



"I could take her," Anya snorts.



Giles nods. "Yes, well. I suppose you're right. But I'm taking the tea!" He snatches up the teapot and cradles it in his arms. "Right then. Shall we?"



Spike nods. He turns back to Buffy. "If you ever change your mind about leaving, leaving me behind - oh - bring it to me, bring your sweet lovin', bring it on home to me."



Giles lightly takes Spike's arm. "For God's sakes, man. Give it up. Come on. I've got tea!"

Spike turns with Giles and they head down to the basement to travel the sewers and out of Sunnydale.



Angel sighs a happy little sigh. "This is nice. Just the girls. Hey! How about a sleep over?"





That night --



Willow, Tara, Anya, Angel and Buffy all sit in the kitchen wearing varied pajamas. They sip on margaritas and dance around the table to Cyndi Lauper. Oh yes, these girls really do just want to have fun. It's a wonderful party until later, much later in the night. Willow and Tara are naked and passed out in the hospital bed. Willow holds a used lime in her hands, but luckily, she's not mumbling in her sleep. Anya is sprawled on the floor, clutching a bottle of tequila to her breast. Upstairs in Buffy's room, Angel wakes up to a curious noise and an empty bed. She slips on a robe and follows the sound up to the attic. She hears two voices - one is most certainly Buffy's. The other is raspier. Haunting.



"But, Mother," Angel hears Buffy say.



"Buffy!" the raspy voice yells. "You know what you have to do!"



"Yes, Mother."



"Joyce?" Angel thinks to herself. "But she's -- "



She looks up over the last step to the attic to see the back of a woman in a horribly unfashionable dress and 70's hair. Angel steps up behind the woman who slowly turns around. It's Buffy! Dressed as Joyce!



"What the --?"



Knife in hand, Buffy lunges for Angel, who fakes her out and causes clumsy Buffy to fall down the stairs. When Angel reaches the bottom, Buffy's unconscious and the other three girls have crowded around her.



"What happened?" Willow asks.



"Buffy's gone loony. I think she's been channeling Joyce or something. We need to get her to a hospital. There's one hidden away in L.A. inside a cave. We'll take her there."



End of Episode 7.21

----------------------------------

Charlie: Catherine Keener’s at my house?



Donald: Yeah. We’re playing Boggle.



-Adaptation

[the vamp nurd]

B's off to the loony bin, with Joss...



Now that is scary!

"He beats me with wet noodles!" Amber Benson.

"Bored now." Vamp Willow

[Tulipp]

So what was Willow off doing in her leopard-print leotard? Just a few stretches to stay limber or some big plan? Come on, Snipp, you can tell your Tulipp.



Loving the meta-moments here, with the characters commenting on their own plots, i.e. the on-screen kiss having all these ramifications.



I love Tara method acting; it kind of makes me think that must have been how she prepared for the whole brainsuck incident, y'know? Talk about insight (yours, I mean).



I was LMAO at the whole Motown number, of course--Tara waggling her finger, and Willow kind of bopping in a Peanuts-dance kind of way. But the part I really loved was Buffy and Giles laughing about everything except Giles being a total perv. You always reclaim some good bad moments and make them funny, and I love that.



Can't wait to see what happens with Dawn and also with Willow and her leotard. Thanks for another great, read-again chapter, Snipp.



Off now for some tea. I just have a craving. Don't know where it came from.

"And I'm eating this banana. Lunchtime be damned!" -- Willow in "Doppelgangland

[snippygal]

the vamp nurd - You have no idea.



Tulipp - “Leopard-print”? Gosh, Tulipp, I don’t remember ever writing anything about Willow’s leotard being “leopard-print”. I guess someone’s got their own little fetishes to deal with, hmm?

I don’t know if the sing-a-longs really worked in print. But I’ll tell ya - it all looked great in my head. Really, it was a hoot. As for Giles and his little tea obsession -- that was my fault for not including that earlier. I was revisiting “New Moon Rising” last week and when Oz walks in and tension’s high and there’s Giles - “Would you like some tea?” It’s like, I know he’s British, but does he have to be that British?



-------------------

Charlie: Catherine Keener’s at my house?



Donald: Yeah. We’re playing Boggle.



-Adaptation

[AlteaThree]

Another great, funny chapter

Hmmm...Xander's dusted, Giles and Spike are going, Joss in a mental ward and Angel is a woman...is there a pattern that you are getting at???

Anyways, loved this latest part, the "method acting" in bed...

Angel outsmarting Buffy...ah, the ironing. Uh, irony...

Cant wait till the end...and of course the "suprise last season" that you will do because many of hte actors on Buffy have no creative morals and will do anything for money. Mind you, Tara wouldnt, she has creative morals, so what's the point???

[MellindraX]

As ever, hilarious ^^. More please?

They just don't like me because they think I'm trying to seduce their daughter.

You are trying to seduce their daughter.

They started it!

[AlteaThree]

Hi, just a a question about snippygal's beta reader: do you have one and who is it?Sorry for being so forward. You must know I like your story(I've posted that about two dozen times ) and yah, just wondering.I'm writing a fic...and that's about it. Thanks in advance

"Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical college too?"

[Kiwigrrrl]

Hey there,



Thought I'd better de-lurk to tell you that this is THE BEST gosh-darn thing that I have read in my 4-5 months of lurking around this site.



You rock. No, really, you do.



Would it be too forward of me to tell you that i almost pissed myself several times while reading your story? (apoligising in advance for any scary visuals )



Well, I'll be scurrying back to my damp little cave now.

*tucks the inflatable sheep under one arm, picks up the bottle of vodka with the other hand and runs off yodelling Celine Dion songs in a shaky falsetto*

[snippygal]

AlteaThree - Are you suggesting I don’t like men? Because I think you’re reaching in your analogy of this story. (Well, okay, maybe not reaching. More like just standing on your tippy toes a bit).



As for my beta, she and I are one in the same. In the sense that she is me. I am she. I guess you could call me a masterbeta. (Ugh, I owe you a quarter for that horrible pun). So, yeah, no beta for me. This is quite evident early in the story with my misuse of the word “waste”. Still haven’t lived that one down.



MellindraX - More is coming. Very very soon. Like in a day or two. Almost done with the big finale. It’s --- um --- pretty dumb.



Kiwigrrrl - Thanks for delurking just to stroke my ego. Glad you’re enjoying. Not so glad about the bladder problems. Not that I mind you telling me about it. I’m here for you. And any way a person can express themself is all right with me, be it snorting, crying, or in your case peeing. But I am a little concerned with the sheep and the Celine Dion.



The end is near everyone. I swear!



Snipp

-----------------------

"You picked up a piece of broccoli, you put it in your mouth and went 'Ooh, what a lovely piece of broccoli.' I can't believe it, it's beyond disgusting!" - Drop Dead Fred

[AlteaThree]

So here is my Pre-Last-Ep-Wrap-Up, just like Entertainment Tonight and Extra.

Hmm, although for the most part your grammer and spelling and continuity was great, I guess I should have realized you were beta-free when you suddenly had a naked girl get something out of back pocket. Unless it was some kind of kin...no, no, bad visuals.



Just want to say that, no, I do not owe a quarter for a bad pun because...because you made Angel into a girl and then had him "doing something to" Xander! I can never, ever, forget that horrible(y funny) image in my head that scares (everyone who hears the laughing from the study from) me as I read your story.



And, what, how did you infer I was implying you may not like men??? I was saying that you like to send men to a "better place" : Giles and Spike to where they can talk about PM Blair all night and drink tea all day while watching Cathrine Zita-Jones films. Xander could never have Willow, or Tara, or even Anya, so why was HIS life worth living? And well...I'm sure Angel is better off as a woman. Esspecially if he ever liked Spike...since in your BuffyVerse he could like Xander...why not settle for a hotter model...okay, so that's way way way way way off topic. I wont make it habit!

Funny, funny s67. I'm sure the last ep will be a big cherry on top of a big cool Sundae.

"Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical college too?"

[Tulipp]

Oh. Oh my. I did add that leopard-print in my head, didn't I?



Hmm.



Snipp, it's your fault, really. I'm sure I got it from you. Power of suggestion. Telepathy. Something. You've got the magic, you know.

"Just call me the computer whisperer."-- Willow

[Mrs Vertigo]

LOVE MY SNIPPY!!!!

On Buffy, Season 7: ”Bored now…”

[Kiwigrrrl]

MORE!

MORE!

MORE!



*puts down the sheep to clap wildly, leaping up and down, tripping over her shackles and landing on her head, spilling vodka everywhere*



Ouch...



MORE!!!





"There's nothing makes a Greenland whale feel half so high and mighty,

As sitting on a mantelpiece

In Aunty Mabel's nightie."

Edited by: Kiwigrrrl at: 2/15/03 8:11:07 am

[snippygal]

Well after some slight technical difficulties, I’m back from The Big Easy and ready to repost this bad boy. Love it or hate it. At least it’s over.



NOTE: (Forgive the Star Trek references. They just called out to me. These things happen.)



Here it is. The finale of all finales. The ending of all endings. The time has come to say goodbye to all this silliness. Dear Kittens, I present:



ADDITIONAL NOTE: Aww, screw it. I talk too much, anyway.



7.22 - “Holding Out For a Hero”



LAST TIME:



Giles stands atop the library admiring the view from the window. “You are the Slayer. Into each generation a Slayer is born.”



He looks down at Buffy a little more closely. “Hey. You’re not Kristy Swanson. What the ---?”



“Why don’t we start with ‘Hi, I’m Buffy.” She waves. Xander, Willow and Jesse enter the library.



“Xander,” he introduces, extending his hand.



Buffy shakes his hand and looks at the redhead, obviously smitten. “Willow, right?”



Jesse stands around trying to look important and failing miserably at taking off the red shirt he’s wearing.



Suddenly there are flashes of everything you’ve ever seen in your entire life. Frames fly by at lightening speed. Things you want to forget. FLASH! That time you thought you could dance at your high school prom but you just ended up looking like a SPED. FLASH! That one perfect person dumped you. FLASH! “Inca Mummy Girl”. Ten minutes of flashes. Everything leading up to:



AND NOW:



In that little cave hospital:



The doctor leads Buffy into a small white room.  Joss and David Kelley play chess in the corner.

 

"You can't move your knight there!"  Joss whines, moving the piece back.

 

"I can do whatever I want! I have an Emmy! Do you have an Emmy?"  David yells and slaps Joss' hand away.

 

“Emmys don’t mean anything.” Joss grumbles.



“Yeah, well, the only people who say that are people without Emmys!”



"Shut up and put your knight back. He doesn't move that way!"  Joss scowls as he crosses his arms over his chest.

 

"'He'?  What makes you so certain my knight's a 'he'?"

 

"Because he is."

 

"Well, I'm empowering the knights.  They're all women."

 

"You can't make them all women!"  Joss argues.

 

"Why not?  Besides, I thought that was your whole deal.  Women-power whatnot."

 

Joss shrugs his shoulders. "I gave that up long ago.  And lesbians?  Please. The gay thing is so passe."

 

They continue to play in silence until David notices the discarded queens by the side of the board. 



"Dude," he says to Joss with a snicker, "Our queens are making out."

 

He giggles while Joss rolls his eyes.  A doctor clears his throat to attract the two men's attention.  They look up at him.

 

"Joss, David, it looks like you've got a new roommate."

 

They stand up to greet the newbie, and in the process Joss accidentally steps on and consequently breaks the kissing queens.

 

"This is Buffy," the doctor introduces.



David extends his hand.  "Buffy.  Hi.  Say, you look like a quirky, independent woman with lesbian tendencies.  It's nice to ---"

 

But Buffy breezes past him.  "Joss!  Oh my God!  Everyone's been looking all over for you!  We have to get you back to Sunnydale!"

 

Joss shoves his hands in his pockets and shuffles his feet.  "Oh, hey, Buffy.  I don't wanna go back.  I'm happy here."

 

"Here?  Joss, you're in the nut house!"



"You should talk," Joss defends himself.  "So what's your deal?"

 

-------------------------------

 

"Buffy appears to be feeling very guilty over the death of her mother.  After speaking briefly with her, we believe her problem is repressed grief."

 

Outside in the waiting area Angel, Anya, Willow and Tara listen carefully to the doctor.

 

"Repressed grief?"  Willow asks.  "That's all?"

 

"That quite enough," the doctor continues.  "From what she's told me, she's witnessed countless friends die, a lover, her mother ... and she speaks about it very calmly.  Have you ever known her to grieve over a loved one?"

 

They all think for a moment.  "Well," Willow offers, "She was kinda mopey after Angel died."

 

"Really?"  Angel asks with a smile, to which Willow returns with a nod.

 

"But then she started dating again no problem."

 

"Really?"  Angel asks with a pout, to which Willow returns with a shrug.

 

"She spoke of a boy who was to be a potential friend,” the doctor presses.  “He died shortly after she arrived in Sunnydale.  She mentioned he and you were close."

 

Willow thinks for a moment.  "Who?"

 

"She said his name was Jesse."

 

"Jesse, Jesse," Willow says the name to remember.  "Oh yeah!  He was a great guy.  Kind of a doof, but so was I.  He and Xander were my best friends!  But then he died.  And I just kinda forgot about him."

 

"I see," the doctor says.  "Well, it might be a good idea for you to make an appointment for a psychological evaluation as well."

 

Anya snorts a little.  Willow glares at her.  "I'm not crazy.  I'm all about the grieving!  I mean, sure, there's a lot of death to deal with, but I'm not about to go all Norman Bates like Buffy did."

 

The doctor holds out his hands.  "Okay, okay.  It's just something to consider."

 

"I'm bored,"  Anya states matter-of-factly because that's how she talks. "I'd like to go now.  Can we go now?"

 

"Yeah, I have a big scene tomorrow," Willow remembers.

 

Tara turns to the doctor.  "Will Buffy be okay?"

 

The doctor rubs his forehead.  "It could take years for her to unleash all the grief she's got bottled up inside.  But she's in good hands."

 

"Okay,"  all the girls say at once and leave the hospital.

 

-------------------------------

 

The next day:

 

A buzzing crowd sits around the three rings under the big tent.  Tara lies weakly in a hospital bed near the front.

 

"And now," an announcer announces, "if you will turn your attention to the center ring. Ladies and gentlemen:  the death-defying trapeze artist Willow Rosenberg!"



Willow stands on the platform high above the audience, her sparkly leotard twinkling, reflecting the bright lights.  She holds her arm out, commanding applause.



She looks down at Tara in the hospital bed.

 

"Will," she hears in her mind.  Willow's eyes lock with those of her lover.

 

"I'm sorry, Tara," Willow speaks telepathically to her.

 

"It's not your fault.  It's the the rest of the world.  And PAX-TV.  And, ya know, Joss for selling us out."

 

They share a long, loving look.  They both know this is the last moment they'll have.

 

"It's time to work without the net, Will."

 

Willow smiles and nods.  She motions to the crew members on the ground.  They reluctantly remove the net from below while the crowd 'oohs' and 'ahhs'.  And one over-dramatic woman gasps.  After one final look, Willow gallantly blows Tara a kiss, then takes off on the trapeze.  She flies through the air with more grace than Buffy's stunt person.  From bar to bar, she swings all for the love of her dying Tara.  After 10 minutes of near misses and flips, Willow lands her final leap, catching the bar which lowers her to the ground as the crowd chants her name.

 

Willow lifts her arms in Mary Lou Retton-style and makes her way to Tara's bed.  Reaching it, she notices Tara isn't breathing.  Willow places her hand over an unbeating heart.  Tara is gone.

 

Willow leans over her dead lover. She cradles the bald head in her lap and begins crying uncontrollably. “Oh, Tara! No! Why?!” Tears drip over the body. Willow looks up suddenly. “I have to do something! Something drastic and unrealistic and out of character and very, very evil!”



“Why?” a voice asks behind her.



“Because. As a woman who is in love with another woman, I am incapable of coping with such a tragic event. Obviously lesbians have no self-control over their emotions. I mean, straight women are bad enough, but throw in a dead girlfriend and boy howdy! We’re insane.”



“You know,” the voice reasons, “you’ve just lost your soul mate. The only woman you’ll ever feel this strongly for. Pretty rough. But it’s not the end of the world.”



Willow finally turns to look at the object of the voice.



“Oz.”



“Hey Willow.”



“What are you doing back here?”



He reaches out his hand. “To save you from yourself. And to remind you who you really are.”



“Who I really am?”



“Yeah, a straight girl.”



“I’m not --”



Oz just gives her a look. “Come on, Will. Remember high school? People don’t change who they were in high school.”



“But that was just kid stuff,” she rationalizes. “You know, I liked Xander, he liked Buffy and she liked herself. One time when I stayed over at her house I caught her loving herself in the middle of the night.” Willow stops that little story and then smiles in realization. “You know what? You’re right,” she says, standing and hugging him. “Straight is great!”



Oz places his hand on the back of her head and they embrace.



Oz looks at Tara who cracks her eye open at the scene. He mockingly sticks his tongue out at her. She scowls at him. They turn around, because it’s one of those swooping hugs where they slowly twirl to get the complete effects of heterosexual love. Now Willow faces Tara. She lips to her “My trailer in an hour.”



-------------------------------



Later that night at the asylum ---





“I mean, look at me! How much more stereotypical could I be? I’m a gym teacher with a mullet!” Buffy has been complaining about story problems for the last twenty minutes.



“I’m telling you - it wasn’t my idea. It was all Martin! She had two moms so she knows.”



“Joss, the show is going down the toilet! You have to do something!”



“I can’t! I don’t have anymore good ideas left! And what do you care anyway? You want off this show as badly as I do.”



Buffy dramatically takes in air (not to be confused with a gasp), then she thinks for a moment (because a moment is really all she can spare for a thought). “Oh God. You’re right. I wanna do movies.”



“Exactly,” Joss smiles at her. “Now that that’s settled, help me with the new window treatment.”



Joss holds some really bad floral print material up to the small barred window. “What do you think the measurements are for this?”



“Oh, I’d say about five by five.”



Buffy turns around, startled by the familiar voice of :



“Faith.”



“Hey, B.”



“What are you doing here?”



“I want to help you.”



“Help me how?”



“You really think you’ve got a shot in movies? Get real. Why do you think I’m back? Did you see ‘The New Guy’?”



“The what?”



“Exactly. I’m not even getting top billing for movies no one’s heard abote.”



“A boat?”



“Abote.”



Buffy shrugs off the miscommunication and waits for Faith to continue.



“Do you really want to be just another television-turned-movie actress who will eventually resort to nude scenes in Mickey Rourke films just to pay your rent? Get real. You’re just a pretty face. You’ll never be taken seriously.”



“But I can cry on-cue.”



“Yeah, but can you handle taking a pay cut to do a low-budget art house picture with no trailer and a bag of stale cookies as craft service?”



Buffy shudders at the idea.



“Didn’t think so. This is all you’ve got. Deal with it. You don’t need songs, Buffy. You just need something to sing abote.”



“I need a boat?”



Just as Buffy’s confusion nearly makes her head spin there is ...



A FLASH ....



Buffy stands at the top of the tower that was built by the crazy people. Once again, it’s episode 5.22.



“Buffy!” Dawn grabs a hold of her sister’s shoulders. “Buffy!” The Slayer has a faraway look going on.



Buffy shakes her head and snaps out of it. She looks at Dawn with a ‘huh’ in her eyes.



“Jeez, Buffy, where’d you go? One minute we’re arguing over me jumping off the tower to save the world and then you’re suddenly staring out into space. For like an hour. There are all kinds of demons and things all around because I’m not really bleeding anymore. Just the few shallow cuts.”



Just then, a huge 8-headed dragon flies over their heads, forcing them to duck. They see a furry figure in its mouth. It’s black and white and meowing.



“Miss Kitty Fantastico!” Dawn points up. “Buffy, this has gone too far! What do we do?”



Buffy faces her sister and looks at her long and hard. She looks back at the portal. Then back at Dawn again. “Dawnie --”



Dawn shakes her head in disbelief. “No --”



“Dawnie, I have to. Listen to me. I’ve finally figured it out. Death is my gift. I knew I had it all wrong when I gave Xander that severed head for his birthday. But now I understand. I thought our blood was the same. That if I jumped, you wouldn’t have to.”



“Buffy, that’s crazy talk. I’m the key. Sure the Monks made me out of your image, or some kind of weird thing like that, but I mean, we don’t even look alike. Like at all.”



“I know. I don’t know why they couldn’t have just made you into something smaller. Something I could have stuffed in my underwear drawer and Glory never would have found it. Like a button. Or a piece of thread.”



Dawn shrugs at Buffy’s decent logic. “But we don’t have time to discuss plot problems, Dawnie. It’s 8:50, 7:50 central and mountain time zone. Time to wrap up. You see, I had a prophecy just now as I was staring into space. Everything was messed up. The wrong people were dying for no good reason. We ended up on a tiny network. I can’t let that happen again. Faith came to me and --”



“Faith? What is it?” Dawn asks.



“It’s the belief in the truth, value or trustworthiness of someone or something. Or in this case, it’s a really hot slayer with an attitude. But that’s not important right now.”



Dawn crosses her arms. “You saw Faith?”



Buffy nods. “Yes --”



“And you didn’t tell me?”



“Dawnie, I’m telling you now.”



Dawn stomps her foot. “No one ever tells me anything. You know, I was the last one to know that magic was just a euphemism for sex and Willow and Tara aren’t even Wiccas at all. They just know some tricks they learned from the creepy illusionist who pulls out his own heart. Why am I always --”



“Dawn! Can I finish? Please?”



Dawn crosses her arms the other way and scowls. Buffy waits to see if she’s done.



“Okay, so I thought that I wanted to expand my career. I wanted to do movies and not be type-cast as the heroin forever. But Faith told me what happened to her. She said the only way to pave any kind of road to success after television was to be in a raunchy teenage movie and find a catch phrase involving a musical instrument in an inappropriate place. And apparently that’s been done.”



Dawn sits down yoga style on the tower and stares up at Buffy with boredom setting in her face. Buffy notices this, looks at her watch then to all the demons and fires below and decides to wrap up.



“Anyway, I realized that Faith’s right. This IS my career. I’m a William Shatner. A Captain Kirk --”



“You DO know that’s the same guy, right, Buffy?”



“Yes I do, Dawnie. Yes I do.” She says it twice for effect.



Dawn rolls her eyes, at this point not even caring about what Buffy is saying, but wanting it all to just be over. “So, what now?”



Buffy reaches her hand down and lifts her sister up. She smiles at her and leads her to the edge. They look down. Buffy gives her a long look again. And Dawn knows. She knows what Buffy has to do. Or at least she thought she did until she feels Buffy grab her.



“Hey! What are you doing?” Dawn gasps, as Buffy holds her over the edge with one hand around her neck.



“This is the work I have to do.”



“But I was willing to jump off myself. An hour ago! Now you’re going to throw me off?”



Buffy smiles that warm sisterly smile. “Now, Dawnie. I can’t let you be the hero, can I?”



And with that, Buffy throws Dawn off the edge of the tower. She watches her fall into the vortex, all the while shaking her fists up at Buffy and screaming “I’m not a kid! You can’t treat me like this!”



Once Dawn falls through the portal, the badness, the fire-breathing dragons and skinless demons are all sucked back in again.



“Easy clean-up. No fuss, no muss,” Buffy says, proud of herself for having saved the world once again. She turns to walk off the tower when the heel of one of her “sensible” war-fighting boots catches on the landing and she’s thrust forward to the ground below. As she slowly descends, she raises and shakes her fists to the sky as she angrily yells “Daaaaaaaaaaawn!” She lands with a thud on a pile of bricks. Slayer strength has nothing on the position she lands - she breaks her neck and instantly dies.



The Scoobies all crowd around Buffy’s limp body, disbelieving, although, unbeknownst to them, they’ve been through this scene three times now. Willow and Tara carry each other. Willow is on the verge of tears. Tara’s face scrunches up - not really mourning Buffy. She never liked her much. But she feels bad for Willow. Suddenly, a rustling comes from a nearby pile of sawdust. Out pops a little furry creature, its black and white features covered in yellow dust.



“Miss Kitty!” Willow yelps in excitement. She crouches down and the kitten runs into her arms, meowing with delight. Willow stands up and cradles the kitten, while Tara tickles under her chin.



“She’s still a kitten. She should be much older,” Tara notices.



Miss Kitty opens her mouth to meow, only her face morphs into little bumps and her teeth are longer and sharper than usual. She doesn’t try to bite them. She’s just showing off.



They both look at Miss Kitty, then at each other, not just surprised, but bewildered as well. Then they turn to Spike. He cowers in the safety of some shade as the sun is beginning to rise. Noticing their eyes on him he shrugs, feigning innocence. They all chuckle.



“Oh that Spike!” Giles shakes his head and cheekily grins at the shrugging vampire.



“Wait a minute,” Tara notices. “Where’s Dawnie? She heroically jumped into the portal and saved us all. But where’s her body?”



They all glance around the area. Xander picks up a 2x4 and checks under it. (Poor stupid Xander.) Dawn’s body is nowhere to be found.



“That’s strange,” Giles says. “Well then, who’s up for research? I’ll make tea.”



The gang agrees this is a wonderful idea and all begin to hobble away, all arm in arm, St. Elmo’s Fire-style. One of the few lesser depressing Sarah McLachlan songs plays over the scene, but is suddenly stopped by:



“Wait!”



The Scoobies all turn around to the female voice.



“I’m looking for Willow and Tara,” she says.



Our girls step up. Willow recognizes the woman. “Hey! Look everyone!” she exclaims. “It’s independent producer Christine Vachon!”



Hello’s all around. Tara extends her hand. “Willow and I are big fans of your work.”



“Of course you are,” Christine returns. “You’re gay and therefore have taste.”



“Why are you looking for us?” Willow asks.



“Well, this whole ‘Buffy’ thing seems pretty played out. I was hoping to sign you both to a seven picture deal with Killer Films. You’ll be like Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis. Only you’re attractive, young lesbians. And you’ll be naked a lot.”



Willow and Tara’s faces light up at the prospect.



“The first film will basically include the two of you in bed the whole time. It’ll be a lot like the John and Yoko thing, but ya know, without the creepy sibling resemblance. And every time you have an orgasm, something good happens in the world. It’s kind of a good kharma through lesbian sex thing. Whatdya say?”



Willow and Tara exchange a look. While considering the tempting offer, Giles clears his throat. They turn to see him pointing at his watch. Good gravy! 30 seconds to credits!



They look at the Scoobies, their friends arm-in-arm about to do research and drink tea and eventually fight more evil. They turn to Christine Vachon. Then they face each other. They lock eyes as they hold hands.



“Will --” Tara begins, nearly pleading.



Willow smiles, knowingly. “Come on, baby. Let’s fight a different kind of evil.”



Giles, Spike, Xander and Anya give a small, bittersweet wave to the girls and make their way back to the Magic Box. The two witches join Christine and they walk towards the East, bound for New York City. As they head off into the sunrise, Sarah McLachlan is cranked back up.



-------------------------------



Minutes later, Joss walks onto the set.



“Hey guys!” he calls, looking around for his cast. “We just got an offer from UPN!”



No answer.



“Hey, where is everybody?”



Nothing.



“Guys?”



Fade to black.



The End



-------------------------------



Epilogue:



After the Angel crew have fought big bad lawyers and called themselves Champions a number of times, they walk into the hotel.



“There’s no place like --” Angel begins, but is interrupted by a large whirling blue portal above their heads. Out falls a woman and the portal closes.



She is mid-20’s and incredibly attractive, looking not at all annoying in the least. Although she’s much older than the last time she saw her, Cordelia recognizes the woman.



“Dawn.”



Fade to Black



The Very End.

"You picked up a piece of broccoli, you put it in your mouth and went 'Ooh, what a lovely piece of broccoli.' I can't believe it, it's beyond disgusting!" - Drop Dead Fred

[AlteaThree]

WOW!!!!!!!!! Much better than the real thing



(pointless middle babbel to make post seem justified): But...there are questions left unanswered, like: Who will be the new slayer now that Buffy is dead? Who will Spike stalk now that Buffy is bye-bye? Will Xander and Anya get married? Now that Willow and Tara are happy together doing worthwhile media productions, will Joss shrivel up and die? Is Snippy really a closet Canadian, with all her references to "abote", William Shatner and Leslie Neilson movies?Does everyone realize my posts contain no serious content whatsoever? Cus if not I'm not going to read anymore Bobby!(end of that. last time, too.)



Great spoof, Snippygal. Funny, cute and totally wierd. A giggle all the way through. And it was a laughing-with-you giggle, not a laughing-at-you giggle.

"Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical college too?"

Edited by: AlteaThree at: 2/18/03 3:53:01 pm

[darkmagicwillow]

The ending was hilarious. I'm still chuckling. It was so complete too; we got the stupid show on UPN ending, the Joss and Buffy in the madhouse ending, and we got an ending to The Gift without the Buffy into the portal silliness and Willow and Tara got their dreamjob, though hopefully they won't be bunnies again after that first movie. (-;



And now I know how to keep a kitten from growing up...

--

"Omnia mutantur, nihil interit." -- "Everything changes, but nothing is truly lost."

[Tulipp]

Snipp, you're the best!



I have to go read this again, but for now, it was the perfect ending to a perfect story. What DMW said about how you managed to have all the endings at once. Brilliant.



Here's the thing...did you post this and then take it away and then post it again? Because about a week ago, I had this Very Vivid Dream that after I posted my leopard-print shame, I got up the next morning and came to Pens and there was a message from you in which you said "Tulipp, I'm waving my fingers in the air. Get me a ham sandwich" and then you posted chapter 7.22 which was called....Holding Out for a Hero.



Okay, I'm thinking POSSIBLY that last detail is my retroactive imagination, but the rest of it is true. I even started scrolling through previous pages of the thread looking for references to ham sandwiches before I decided I'm insane and just stopped.



But I love how you tied Footloose in in the end. Made me laugh. Willow trapeezing for Tara in her Pax Deathbed made me cry. Not really, that made me laugh too, actually. But I loved, loved, loved all your digs about Buffy the Not Griever.



LMAO, babe. Really and truly. Now I'm off to go back and read your masterpiece from the beginning. Because really, it is a masterpiece; it's the funniest W/T thing I've ever read, but it has its poignant moments, too.



Okay, I'm going to find you a ham sandwich.

"Just call me the computer whisperer."-- Willow

[Kiwigrrrl]

Man, you rock!!!



This is by far my favourite fic! You are so funny, and clever, and cool, and... (insert other words to describe how wonderful you are)!!!



If i had a million dollars, I would give it to you, so that you could make your own show, and then everyone would see what a goshdarn genius you are.



Now I'm also off to read this fic from the start again.

Awesome work!



-Skye

[snippygal]

Mrs Vertigo - LOVE MY MRS. VERTIGO!!!!



AlteaThree - Okay, okay. If you want me to do a recap, I’ll do a recap. There is no Slayer anymore, because when Dawn fell into the portal, every bit of evil went with her. This includes every bad feeling of anything bad that could possibly feed something as lame as say, oh I don’t know, a First Evil. Spike is currently stalking Giles. I’m happy to say that Giles is beginning to give in. Xander and Anya got married and are happily living as Amish citizens in the community of Yoder. They have one daughter named Umad. I am not verified to make any comments about Joss and/or his well being/life/death. If there were a fictional Joss I could say whether he lives or dies, but at this juncture, I am not at liberty to say either way. Willow and Tara have not stopped having sex since they ran into Christine Vachon and haven’t you noticed the world is a better place since then? (Okay, probably not so much right now, bad timing. Never mind). I am not a closet Canadian - just a fan. I used to live near Canada in my colder days and would skip the boarder to drink at 19. I just loved the buckets of Long Island Iced Tea they would give me. Good times, ay?



darkmagicwillow - The great thing about a vamped kitty is that they have much more motivation to catch mice. I’m just saying. As for Willow and Tara -- um, I live in reality here. The idea of two women having so much sex they turn into bunnies? Where do you get this stuff from?



Tulipp - Mmmm ... ham sandwich. Yeah, there was a post earlier and ... some tissues came up, so ... I had to fix them. And that’s all I’ll say about that.



Tulipp, my friend, you have to stop using words like “brilliant” and “masterpiece”. Seriously. I’ll start to believe it and start saying it too, only speaking about myself in the third person. Ugh. How awful would that be? Snipp would not be very popular then.



I don’t know what the hell my deal is with 80’s movies lately. 7.21 was a direct reference to that great Stalone film where he arm wrestles to win not only a new semi, but the love and respect of his son as well. And his “superpower” is turning his hat backwards. Man, they just don’t make ‘em like that anymore, do they?

Anyway, thanks for finding it funny and poignant. Snipp appreciates it.



Kiwigrrrl - It’s funny you should say that, because I’m actually in need of a million dollars to make a television show. Not “Bobby” (I’m sure there would be some kind of copyright infringement going on there). So if you come across some money you’re not using, remember how “funny” and “clever” and “cool” I am. Oh, and you frighten me. Seriously. I am painfullly scared of you. And I love it!







Thank you all for reading and responding and pointing out spelling errors and embarrassing the hell out of me. I had fun doing this. I can’t say the same for Mildred, the little person I have living in my closet who’s actually the one typing out all the stories. She’s got blisters on her fingers, poor thing. But I’ve enjoyed it and I hope you have too.



And a side note (since I don’t want to free Tibet and I’m not one to protest wars or anything, but I feel I should say something of social importance): Let’s hear it for Norah Jones for kicking all those poseurs asses last night at the Grammys. I personally couldn’t be more thrilled.



As always --- Snipp ----



---------------------------------------

"You picked up a piece of broccoli, you put it in your mouth and went 'Ooh, what a lovely piece of broccoli.' I can't believe it, it's beyond disgusting!" - Drop Dead Fred

[chilled monkey]

Oh, I don't know, there have been plenty of good things in the world as well. Advances in medicine for example, or British beaches being cleaner than they have in decades. People tend to focus on the bad things, but there are still many positive things and reasons to smile. It's important to remember that. Sorry, getting off my soapbox now.

This fic was hilarious! I especially liked the bit with clumsy Buffy tripping up and falling off the tower.

[The Big I T]

All kidding and sexual innuendo aside (as if), I just gotta tell you, snipp – “Bobby” was a pure unbridled pleasure from beginning to end. I laughed to the point of crying (happy tears, only happy tears), enjoyed myself to the point of blushing, and allowed myself to be carried away by scenarios I'd only ever thought possible in my wildest moments of fantasizing. Good and swoony things happening to good and swoony people..and karmic justice to all the rest of them. Huh, imagine that...



Brilliantly written. Cleverly spelled. Scathingly insightful. Artfully mocking. And funny as all get out. No question about it -- The Power is yours, snipp. And Parody is your Gift. Kind of makes me wonder in a longing sort of way what kind of 'Verse we'd live in if you were truly in charge. I’m intrigued. Very intrigued...



In the meantime, consider yourself welcome in my ‘Verse anytime. Orange runners optional. Think bunnies, snipp. We must all be bunnies...

[maudmac]

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I had a Boddingtons and now I can see again! - The Beast