The Darkness Inside

[imjustme]

Title: The Darkness Inside

Author: Imjustme aka Andi

Pairing: W/T

Feedback: YES please!!

Spoilers: None

Rating: I don't know. I think it is pretty much PG 13. I'll post when it changes.

Disclaimer: Willow and Tara or any other BtVS character i choose to use are not mine, they belong to Joss and ME. I make no money from this, so don't sue me...i'm poor.

Note: This fic is very dark. It deals with alot of issues such as severe depression and Self mutilation. I understand this may not be a popular topic. This story is about how two people work together to overcome such a darkness and how it CAN be overcome.


It's going to be one of those days again, Tara thinks as she is awakened by her alarm clock. As she hits the off button for the alarm she hears her lover crying in the next room. Every tear Willow sheds, breaks Tara's heart just a little more.

Tara sits up and steps into her slippers and walks to the closet to pick out some clothes for Willow and herself. Maybe Willow will get dressed and out of her pj's today. Tara picks out a pair of jeans and a brown tshirt for herself and a pair of jeans. For Willow, she picks out a pair of jeans and the redhead's favorite green shirt.

Tara changes into her clothes and brings Willow's to the bathroom, where she finds her on the floor, naked, huddled in a corner and rocking. Tara drops the clothes she was carrying on the floor and goes to Willow and takes her into her arms. Tara hums a melody that always calms her girl down. Willow leans into Tara's embrace and begins to relax. Tara waits until Willow is relaxed enough and manipulates Willow's limbs and body to where Tara is now straddling Willow with the redhead's arms out to the side, so that Willow cannot curl back up into a ball. Tara hates this part.

Willow tries to fight Tara and begins to grunt and cry and kick and punch at Tara. But the blonde is not going to let go. She saw the blood dripping down Willow's skin as she walked into the bathroom. Tara knew enough not to take and immediate action until she was able to get Willow to relax. She hated it, she hated that Willow hurt herself, she hated fighting Willow to clean her up. Most of all, Tara hated that she wasn't enough to make her girl happy.

She knows that this thinking is silly. It is not her fault that her girl is this way, she knows that it is in Willow's brain and there really is nothing that she can do. Except get Willow to take her medicine. Which, usually, isn't so hard unless Willow forgets a dose. Then Willow thinks that she is cured because for one day she feels okay and refuses to take her medicine again. Slowly, but surely, Willow slips back into a heavy depression. She cries almost constantly and hurts herself. Willow is not usually violent, unless Tara is trying to clean her up. But she doesn't mean it.

Tara was wondering how Willow was able to cut herself so badly, she thought that she had removed all of the sharp objects from the house and put them in her safe under the bed. Tara glances around the bathroom and notices a towel and broken glass and realizes what her clever, yet stupid, girl has done. Tara had put away all of the sharp objects. Willow had taken a picture frame off of the wall and wrapped in in a towel and broke the glass. Willow wrapped the towel around the frame so that the sound of breaking glass would not wake Tara up. Tara looks at her girl and notices that Willow has stopped fighting her. Tara stays strattled on Willow for a few minutes, loosening her grip and her stance here and there to test if Willow was really going to stop fighting.

After about twenty minutes Willow stops fighting and falls asleep. Tara gets up and goes to the linen closet to get her 2 usual towels. She wets one and begins to bathe her lover. As she cleans the blood off of Willow's skin, she begins to hum again. Tara moves along Willow's body with such care and stops at her tender stomach as her eyes travel to Willow's thighs as well. There are two gashes on Willow's stomach and four on each thigh. My poor girl. Why? Tara softly cleans up the wounds and determines that they are deep, but not deep enough for stitches.

Tara gets up and gets the first aid kit from under the sink and walks back to Willow. She applies the aneseptic cream to each wound and then takes three large non stick pads and covers the areas the wounds cover. After, she takes out the tape to tape the pad on Willow's stomach and gets gauze and wraps Willow's thighs. Tara knows that those are going to hurt the worst. Tara had promised herself that if there is any pain that she can prevent or lessen then she will do her damndest to try.

Once Willow has been wrapped up, Tara picks up her limp frame, carries her to the bed and lays her down. Tara kisses her lover's forehead and goes down the hallway to answer the cry of other love of her life.

"Shhh. Madison it's okay. Mama is here." Tara lifts up her 3 month old daughter and begins to rock her in the rocking chair. Humming her lullaby to the sweeet child.

[Amberslover]

Wow, I like this...you really reach into the pain of what Willow is doing. Good for Tara for being patient and understanding. Keep going, you're doing awesome!

Amberslover

[willohand]

Its probally know by others on the board what a huge Willow (alyson) fan I am. Just know you have already pulled me in and shaken me to my very willowy foundation. Im afraid but I do want to and will need to read more and find out about my favorite "buffy" character. Please continue. And you will have lots of us talking Im sure. Im not sure if I should thank you or hate you. . Okay,okay as another author I thank you for sharing your gift and talent. But as a willow fan... I am in and I even had to some. Im like oh lord ? But I am with you for the long dark road ahead to her recovery. It is going to be a long and heart breaking road ahead isnt it?
Thank god for TARA.

[-Always-]

This is intense and shaking, it's a dark reality, please keep writing.

willohand:

Thank god for TARA.

no kidding, she is willow's godsend.

[imjustme]

Amberslover:Thank you. Tara is patient and understanding most of the time. she is only human and can only take so much. she is strong, but not unbedible steel. i really want the reader to understand what it's like for both parties to go through such an awful thing. i'm glad that it is working. Thank you for taking the time to read.

willohand: yes this is going to be a long dark road. i will add some of the lighter moments, b/c there are some. but this is a hard struggle that people don't just get over like magic. it's hard for everyone involved. but i hope you keep reading and can take what i will put the characters through.

-Always-: thank you. this is definitely going to be intense. thank you for reading and hope you keep on reading.



I am currently working on the next update. I sent it to someone to read it over for me, so once i get it back, I'll post it.

[willohand]

I have been bracing myself mentally since I read the first chapter. So of course I will keep reading as long as you continue to write this. There is something to be said about authors like yourself who dare to take us to a place we are afraid to go. Its not easy to write about such topics. So in case I havent already let me do so now because I can tell I wont be thanking you for some time if this is going to be as dark as I think. So imjustme, for being brave and daring with your words, for putting them down on paper and for sharing this with us kitties here on the board a heartfelt THANK YOU. I am one of your biggest fans. I will leave feed back for every chapter. I am always in your corner.
So just how much heart break are you going to pit us kitties through? I cringe at the thought of my willow in such pain. But Tara is there. Though from your message to Amberslover I can tell that even Tara will be pushed to her limit and backed into corners. I know she will responde as any human being would when feeling trapped and/or overwhemled. But in the end I know its her love and her bravery that will help them through the dark pit into the light. So take me into this dark world of you must. But I beg of you, bring us all back in tact so as we are able to move foward. I have every confidence in you that though there is a long road ahead you will see to it that our girls make it through. And even if it means they have to suffer to survive I will be here with you at every moment. Im scared to find out just what has brought willow to her dark place but needing to know how she arrived there.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

ouch...

this kinda hurts, but it's good. please continue!

[imjustme]

willohand - i'm glad you're gonna keep reading. this is going to be dark and i'll try not to put y'all through a whole lot of hell.

CrazyTaraWitch - thank you for reading.

Disclaimers, same as before.



Once Tara soothes the child, she begins to tell her a story…

“Oh Maddy, I love you. Your Mommy loves you too. We both love you so much. Your Mommy is just having a hard time with life right now. I’m glad that you are only three months old, and you don’t really know what’s going on. But I think you have some of me in you and you can feel what’s going on. My Mama used to tell me that no words had to be spoken, but if there was any sort of tension that I would cry. I would cry when I felt something wrong. Now that I’m grown…Well, I’ve grown into my power, just as you will my sweet one.” Tara strokes her daughter’s head and just rubs her soothingly.

“Let me give you something to focus on darling. Focus on me, and my feelings as I tell you a story about your Mommy and me. She wasn’t always sick. Well, not this bad.

“I met your Mommy about 4 years ago. She was walking with your Aunt Buffy at UCS. I saw her red hair first. You definitely got her red hair. Anyway, they were walking and she was just smiling. There was something about her eyes, they were sad, but not so sad. It’s hard to explain. But there she was, beautiful and her smile was breathtaking.”

Tara looks down at Madison, “I hope you get her smile.” Tara smiles at her daughter when she receives a gurgle and a content smile, which is probably from gas.

“I didn’t know it then, but we were destined to be together. Well, I was blatantly staring at her and wasn’t watching where I was going. I ran into some poor passerby. I yelped and fell. I think from your Mommy and Aunt’s instincts at hearing screams, they ran over to me and helped me up. I looked into your Mommy’s green eyes and couldn’t turn away, neither one of us could.

“Well, until Aunt Buffy said something along the lines of “What’s up with the staring? Got no strength Will? Here, just let me do it.”

“Well, we both were knocked out of our trance and I finished getting up. Both of us started blushing tremendously, though Auntie Buffy was a bit clueless to it. You’ll learn that as you grow up and by the time you’re old enough to realize it, well I’m sure her age will be becoming a factor as well. I don’t even want to think about it."

Madison began to grunt as if impatiently waiting for the point of the story, “Oh, my sweet girl I keep getting off track. I’m sorry.

“So, Your Aunt and Mommy helped me up and picked all of my books up for me. They were on the way to the café for some food, I was just leaving, but they invited me to go. So I went. We laughed and talked for a few hours. And we exchanged numbers and arranged to hang out again. It was the beginning of forever, my baby, it was the beginning of forever.”

Tara brought the small child to lay her head on her shoulder so that she could stand up. Tara covered Madison with a small blanket and rubbed her back. It had been close to an hour since she left Willow. As Tara walked down the hall she noticed the sound of the sink running in the bathroom. Fearing the worst Tara tightened her grip on her daughter and ran down the hall. When she got there she was completely shocked.

Willow was fully dressed in the clothes that Tara had picked out for her earlier and she was sitting on the toilet, slowly brushing her teeth. Tara guessed that her girl was in quite a bit of pain from her gashes. But Tara couldn’t help but smile. Willow was up, and dressed.

Tara breathed out, “Willow, what are you doing?”

“Immrshin m tetf,” Willow spit in the sink, “I’m brushing my teeth.” Willow looked at Tara with expecting eyes and a nervous smile. I’m trying baby. See? It’s not much and I’m not okay. But I want to be. Please see that.

Tara just smiles softly at Willow and shifts Madison to her left hip, “Good, your breath was getting to be something awful,” Tara looks down at her daughter, “Isn’t that right Maddy?”

Willow giggled a bit and held out her arms, “Gimme my baby.”

Tara happily obliged. Willow did not want to hold their child very often. Willow was always afraid that somehow Madison would just be scarred if she was held by such a monster.

When Tara gave Willow their child, she couldn’t help but notice that the redhead flinched. Tara tried to take Madison back, but Willow wouldn’t have it.

“No, I’m okay. I can hold my daughter…Our daughter.” Willow begins to bounce Madison on her lap and looks at Tara, “I’m sorry baby. I’m so sorry about this morning. I just. I don’t know what happened. It was like…like it wasn’t me. I didn’t really realize what I was doing…”

“Shh. It’s okay Will, we don’t have to do this now…”

“No! I mean, no. Just…I need to get this out,” at Tara’s nod they walked into the bedroom and sat down on the bed. Willow kept a hold of Madison. She kept her close.

“I don’t remember breaking the glass. I just remember that there was so much pressure inside. After messing up at dinner yesterday and I keep crying and breaking down. I was just so angry and I just needed to release this...pressure.” Willow says that last part through her teeth as she clenches her hands.

Tara nods, but just can't hold it in anymore, “Will, I love you. I love you, but this has been going on for too long, you need to take your medicine, and you can’t stop when you think you are cured. You aren’t cured, the medicine helps keep you balanced. Every time that you do this, my heart breaks all over again. I can’t take this much heartbreak, Will. Pretty soon there is going to be no more heart left to break.”

Willow just looks down at her lap.

“No, Will. Look at me. I love you. And I’m going to be here for you, and I understand that it is hard for you. But you need to know that this is hard for me...and for Maddy.” Tara gets on her knees on the floor in front of Willow. She puts her hands on the redhead’s knees. “I love you baby. Take your medicine.” Tara reaches to take Madison from Willow, she places the baby on the bed and puts pillows on either side of her. Then the blonde goes to the nightstand and gets the pills and takes her place again on the floor in front of Willow.

Tara takes Willows hands and opens them. She places the bottle into them and closes Willow’s hands around the bottle and just looks into her eyes. And pleads with her.

“It’s up to you now Will. Please, live for me…for us. Live so that Maddy will have a family to grow up in. Please just live baby. Just live.” Tara places her head in Willow’s lap and cries.

[MissMaclay89]

Lovely update, so sad...poor w/t...please continue soon...i'm confused... ...whats wrong w/ Willow?!?!

[writerfreak]

Wow, this fic hits so very close to home with me. The pleading to live, to have a reason to live without breaking down each time you walk in the door, or each time the very smallest thing reminds you of the things that hurt you. You have captured it beautifully. Or at least as beautifully as something like that can be captured. -wipes tears from eyes- I'll certainly be watching for updates on this fic now. Please update soon.

writerfreak

[-Always-]

beautiful update.
oh little maddy, she is so perfect.
it's heartbreakingly hopeful..
hoping for next update soon. <3

[willohand]

Im at a lost for words now. But as I was reading I was full of words but not so nice ones. I was cursing and screaming. And shit... why is this happening to my willow? OHGODWHYWHYWHHHHYYYYYYYYY?
I have faith you will pull us kitties along into the dark deep whole that is the willow of now before we ever see the willow of old. But whos to say your willow, after facing and making through her abyss, wont be just as adorable and cute and witty as she use to be? So as much as it hurts reading this I will be here through it all.
As far as her light, Tara and Maddy... what can you say about tara that hasnt been already said of this great woman? You write her so well. And ohmygod a little willow too. Oh she is so cute with the grunting for tara to continue on with her story. She has great timing it would seem. I can wait to find out what happened but at the same time I cant. Im a bundle of nerves when reading this story.

[Cynthia Taz]

beautiful. i always like reading fics with these kind of themes. god knows how few there are on the net. thank you!

willow is so lucky to have tara, someone who's strong and love her enough to stay taking care of her. it must be very difficult for tara, not only to look after of willow but also taking care of maddy. i can't even imagine how much pressure she's under.

and i'm really admire willow's bravery. to be able to talk about it, especially to someone she loves so much take a lot of guts.

anyway, can't wait for more.

[Chummy]

This is really great story i cant wait to know what have caused this to willow and would she get over it

[Uzu]

This story's really captured my interest. I think it's because of the way you've depicted Tara and her treatment of Willow's condition. That unpleasant repetitive routine they are both enduring is very well written. You really do get a sense of the hard grind that comes with caring for someone so deeply in need. Plus a baby! I can't help wondering what on earth has happened to Willow to reduce her to this awful state.

This is quite compelling stuff and I look forward to reading more!:read

[imjustme]

thank you everyone for reading. just replying to some feedback. and update is on the way in a couple of days.


MissMaclay89 - thank you for reading. it is sad. What are you confused about? Willow...is severely depressed. the story is going to explore the depths of the depression and how she got to it. i haven't covered that yet, but if you keep reading, all of your questions will be answered.

writerfreak - i'm sorry that this hits close to home for you. it hits close to home for me. it's why i am writing it. i understand this kind of thing intimately. whereas i do not want to romantasize this at all, it is dark. but there is always light in the dark, it just needs to be found. Tara and Maddy are Willow's light.

-Always- - thank you. Maddy is perfect. doesn't it seem that all baby's are perfect? she is essentially going to be all of Willow's hope, her reason to live.

willohand - thank you for reading. sorry you were cursing. it is sad that this is happening to Willow, it is sad that this happens so much in RL and ppl don't know about it. and you are correct, this is going to be a long dark ride. and for right now, the only old willow you will see is through the flashbacks. just for now. but really who is ever the same as they were? she'll be different and changed, but eventually healthy.

Cynthia Taz - thank you. i am trying to make this struggle real, and not just that they fall in love and everything gets better. it is why i have her in this state even though she has been in a stable relationship and has a child. because love is great for many things, and is the catalyst for healing, it can not solve a problem and this is a struggle that Willow has to conquer for herself.

Chummy - thank you. Keep reading and everyone will find out.

Uzu -

You really do get a sense of the hard grind that comes with caring for someone so deeply in need.

thank you. it is not all sunshine. and there is love, so much love, but it just can't fix everything. Tara is strong for Willow, but it is waning. and yes there is a baby. a wonderfully perfect innocent baby. the next couple of updates will give light to the reason Willow is in such a state. i hope you keep reading


I hope everyone keeps reading. i will have an update in a couple of days.

[imjustme]

Disclaimers are the same as the first post.

sorry it took so long to update. i couldn't get a decent flow of the story. i hope this update is okay. please enjoy.

How much of this life actually matters? What is really keeping me tied
here? My Tara and my daughter. I still can't believe that I have a wife a
child. I love them. I just don't deserve them. Tara, God...Tara is amazing.
She takes care of me, sometimes too much, but I know that she loves
me. She loves Maddy. Maddy is 6 months old now, and I've missed so much
of her life already, locked up in my dark hole.

The thing about the dark, you can't see to find your way out. It's
just...dark. I try to fight it, but it is all consuming. It doesn't care that I
*do* have a good life, that I have a family and friends who care about me.

People think that I'm selfish. There are people out there who have far
worse lives than I do. I KNOW THAT! But the darkness inside just swallowed me.

I try to make it go away, to get it out of my body. I open myself up, and I
can see the darkness seep out. It turns red when it hits the light. It turns
out though, I may let the darkness out with the open wounds. But I think
it goes both ways. I open a door to let the darkness out, but it finds its
way back in, and I get lost all over again.

Tara stands in the doorway of the room that she shares with Willow, watching her lover write in her journal. It’s part of Willow’s therapy. Tara is proud of her Willow. Granted, Tara has been personally driving Willow to her therapy appointments and making sure that she takes her medicine, but the rest has been all Willow. It’s been three months since the incident in the bathroom. Willow has only had one serious cutting incident after that. One time in three months is still one time too many, it is better than one time every other day. Willow still cuts herself every once in a while, but not so severe to where she is bleeding. She is progressing, it’s all Tara can expect right now.

Another thing Willow has been doing more is getting involved in her daughter’s life more. She feeds her changes her, and plays with her. Tara has never seen Willow’s smile more beautiful than when she is smiling at Maddy.

“Hey baby,”

Willow looks up from her writing, “Hey baby”

“You wanna feed Maddy while I take a shower?”

Willow smiles and reaches out her arms, “Yes, gimme gimme.”

Tara giggles and hands Maddison to Willow and just smiles at the interaction between the two. Willow has improved so much. 3 months ago Willow was afraid to touch or be near Maddy; now she plays with her and loves her like never before. Nothing has ever made Tara more happy, than to see the progress her lover has made. The journey is not over and it never will be, but it’s getting better…more…bearable.

Tara slowly undresses and turns on the water. Making sure it’s warm, Tara steps in slowly and then just lets the water caress her skin.

Now if *Willow* would caress Tara‘s skin the night would be perfect. Willow has been suffering emotionally and its understandable. But it’s as if Willow doesn’t find Tara remotely attractive anymore, not since... And it’s not as if she’s expecting sex, but some affection from the redhead would be nice. For better or worse, right Tare? Plus, lack of sex drive is also a side effect of the medicine, but what is a girl supposed to do? I can not go the rest of my life without making love. Especially living with Willow. She is so beautiful and amazing.

Tara grabs the bar of soap and lathers it up before rubbing her hands over her body. Once Tara is done, she just lets the water run over her, she puts one had on the wall in front of her and uses the other to adjust the temperature of the water to cold.

After another 10 minutes of sitting under the cold water, Tara turned off the water, stepped out and grabbed a towel to dry off. As she was grabbing her towel, she heard something that she hasn’t heard in a long while…laughter. Real, laughter, not the fake laugh that she has been hearing for over a year. This laughter was like no other sound in the world. Tara could feel her heart melting at the sound of her lover and her child laughing together.

Tara finishes drying off and puts on her robe and walks slowly down the hallway, following the laughter. As she gets to the source of the laughter, she peaks around the corner and just smiles and begins to laugh herself.

Maddy was in her high chair and Willow was sitting on a chair in front of her feeding…trying to feed the six month old.

“Oh, my what happened?” Tara couldn’t hold it in any longer.

“Yeah yeah laugh it up. Well, Maddy was eating so well, and she kept grabbing at the spoon, so I let her have it. I thought maybe I could teach her how to feed herself. Well, not so much. I think she got so excited that she had the spoon and put it in the food and she just wailed her arms and laughed.”

Suddenly Willow’s demeanor change and began to try to explain herself and apologize, “And well, there is food everywhere and I’ll clean it I promise. I’m sorry, we didn’t mean to make a mess,”

Willow’s hands began to clench and open, clench and open. “We just…she is so cute, look at her. Oh, she needs a bath. Maybe you should do it, I’ll just mess it up. I’m sorry.”

Willow wraps her arms around herself and runs down the hall and locks the bedroom door, leaving Tara in the kitchen just staring.

Tara shakes her head and goes to her daughter. “Hrm, that was weird wasn’t it Maddy? Poor Mama, I wish I knew how to help her.” Tara just gives her daughter a sad look and looks towards the bedroom.

**************************

Why, why do I have to be so stupid? I’m bad. I’m a bad mom, bad wife. Bad. Where is it? Uugh!!! Make it stop. Gotta make it stop.

Willow sits on the bed and begins to rock.

I can’t do this. I’m just bad. I have to make it stop.

Willow reaches down under the bed and feels around. She stops when she touches something that doesn’t belong there. Taking the tape off, Willow lifts the blade up to her and presses it against the skin on her wrist.

Quick, small, cut. Just let it out.

Willow bites her lip.

Out. Out. Out. Small, shallow, blood. Blood, oh God what did I do?

Willow begins to shake and cry. She lays down and just cries.

[willohand]

you are soooo good at this dark wrioting. So good it scares me. Good sad chapter. Please go on.

[willohand]

its me again. I uhhhh...i think you broke me with this chapter. Its short but so full of sadness and pain and hurt...
GOD NO MORE PLEASE.
But I understand that its going to be worse, far worse before we even get close to any kind of resolution that leads to us finding out what has put willow in her prison. Or is it self imposed? her prison I mean?

[EndlessDestiny]

This is just...wow.

[shyamberlover]

whoa!! this is an gripping read, you've written it so well, im intrigued to see how tara and Willow are going to work through this one,

please keep posting

Sammi xx

[MiniShrink]

Very gripping, and I can see this is a non-Hellmouthy world. It's nice to see a non-Hellmouthy mental breakdown thing. I love that Tara is doing her best to support Willow. Hope to see an update soon.

[StaceAngel]

Amazing... i haven't read anything as dark and powerful as this in a long time. You write it wonderfully to the point where my heart is starting to ache...

Can't wait for more!

Stace xXx