I know a lot of kittens here like angst, and I just had this idea for a really angsty fic and went along with it to see what i could make of it.
I really like feedback of any kind, so i'd love to hear any thoughts/reactions you guys have to this story.
Title: She was never gone, she was with me
Rating: I'm not quite sure, maybe PG 13 or maybe even M 15
Disclaimer: I don't own anything or anyone. Willow, Tara, Buffy, Dawn, etc. belong to Joss.
Feedback: Yes please!!! Pretty please?
Summary: Willow reminisces her loss
Warning: character death. high angst
[hr]
Willow remembered the mingled sensations of joy and love searing through her body as she watched Tara affectionately place the last item of baby clothing into the tiny oak closet. Her lover stepped back and admired the room. It was perfect; reflecting the tender and care that was put into it’s construction with a balance of love, passion and serenity. Just like their relationship. The protection spells were yet to be done, but the room felt like a sanctuary even without the magical guard.
The room was ornamented with pastel colours. The walls, a deep cream colour, matched the soft beige carpet, which complemented the light pink décor.
There stood a tiny cradle just left to the center of the room, carefully crafted by Xander and given to the witches as a baby shower present. Already soft fleece blankets adorned with pale pink lace filled the cradle, soaking in the warm rays of light filtered through the window.
A plastic mobile was hung over the crib. It spun slowly making the array of miniature toy moons, stars and kittens dance. The kittens swung a little unevenly. They weren’t originally part of the mobile; two little witches were. But Willow refused to allow their child to grow up with the green skinned, broomstick holding, black robe wearing witchy stereotypes, so she replaced them with Miss Kitty Fantastico toy look-alikes. She didn’t feel too bad mangling they toy as it had been a present from Anya and the two had not learned to see completely eye to eye just yet. Neither was willing to admit it, but part of the reason their little ‘rift’ had not yet mended was because the two had grown to enjoy the playful banter between one another.
Willow crossed the room and placed her arms protectively over Tara’s tummy. The bulge was steadily growing, giving Tara’s form an even more rounded appearance. Even though there have been a string of incidents where Tara would complain about ‘being fat’, Willow had only fallen more and more in love with Tara’s changing body, knowing that it housed the product of their love.
Tara leaned back into the arms of her wife. Laying her head back on Willow’s shoulder she let out a sigh of relief. They were ready to bring this baby into the world. Having gotten everything prepared, thanks to Willow’s wondrous organization skills, they were now running exactly on schedule, which was something not many parents-to-be could savor.
Hearing her lover’s sigh Willow frowned, wondering if anything was bothering the blonde. Tara’s hormones have been rampant lately, to say the least, and the blonde was susceptible to dramatic mood swings. One moment Tara would be laughing at the shape of the table lamp, the next crying over the colour of the living room rug.
She squeezed her wife closer, placing a sweet kiss on her temple, before asking if anything was the matter.
Tara turned around to face Willow.
“No, everything is perfect. It’s just like it should be. I know people always say life doesn’t go according to plan, but right now, at this moment, it’s like it’s all fallen into place.”
Willow smiled. “ I know what you mean.”
Drawing her lover back to her body Willow began running her hands over her back, causing Tara to giggle as her fingers traced over a ticklish spot.
“Hey!” she playfully protested, squirming in the embrace.
“Hey right back at ya,” Willow retorted, pretending she had no idea what Tara was getting at.
“Watch it missy, I know where your most ticklish spot is,” Tara teasingly threatened reaching just above Willow’s ribs.
It was the redhead’s turn to squirm as she laughed and retaliated by reaching under Tara’s shirt to get better access to her tickle spot.
They were both so immersed in each other that neither heard Dawn coming up the stairs. The young teen stood in the doorway smiling for a few moments and wondering when she would find a Tara or a Willow of her own, before quickly reaching into her bag for her new camera.
She had just taken up photography in school and fell in love with taking pictures of anything and everything, but her favorite subjects were the two witches. They were both incredibly photogenic and their love just radiated off the film. It was there as plain as day; so much so that whenever Dawn would show anyone pictures of the two wiccas, they would instantly pick up on the fact that the two were together, even when no physical contact was visible in the photograph.
She set her lens to focus on the couple, pressing the shutter release quickly and capturing the lovers in each other’s arms.
The soft click and bright flash of lights drew Willow and Tara’s attention away from each other and onto Dawn. Seeing that the teen was grasping a camera in her hands, they blushed realizing that they had just been caught during a moment of intimacy. Although they didn’t mind Dawn seeing them kiss and touch each other- to a degree of course- they were both a little camera shy.
Dawn smiled cheekily and protested. “It was a Kodak moment! Except you know, taken with a better camera, coz Kodak is way overrated.”
The two lovers looked at each other and burst out laughing, launching themselves at the unsuspecting teen and instigating another tickle attack.
[hr]
Hot tears cascaded down Willow’s cheeks as she clutched the photo that Dawn had taken that day. Willow’s fingers traced the prominent outline of Tara’s belly. She wished she could feel the softness of her curves once more, the warmth of her skin, the passion of her touch. But that was all gone. Only photographs remained of Willow’s once-perfect life.
She closed her eyes and tried to imagine her lover’s warm breath trailing along her skin, inspiring goose bumps as it hit her sensitive flesh. She remembered the sensation so well. It used to make her writhe and moan, but now it only caused her to whimper her dead lover’s name as her heart broke once again. She wanted to touch her so bad, to run her fingers along her supple body, to knead her quivering flesh while they made love, to hear her whisper her name in urgency, to let her know that in those moments when she lost control someone would be there to hold her and make sure she was safe and loved.
Yet with every pleasant memory of her lover, came the memory of losing her. The shadow of the painful memory loomed over all the joyous ones, creating bittersweet sensations.
[hr]
“Baby, I think we’re out of nappies.”
Tara madly rushed around the house, searching for a diaper bag.
Since Amber’s birth this was probably the first time that they had run out of diapers. The two had a hectic week and the emergency box they were relying on had apparently been used up the day before.
Willow emerged from the bathroom holding their freshly bathed daughter. Amber drowsily yawned as she relaxed against her mommy’s breast, letting her eyes fall closed. She was oblivious to the mini panic attack her mothers were having.
“I just changed her into her last nappy, “ Willow said, keeping her voice low so as not to disturb the dozing infant.
Tara nodded, biting her lip. “I’ll just go the shops and get some more.”
“No! Baby look out there, it’s pouring and a power line got knocked over by the storm so the streetlights are out.” Willow protested frantically, nodding her head towards the black abyss outside the window.
“Willow, I’ll be okay. It’s just a little rain,” Tara reasoned. “Otherwise what are we going to do when Amber needs a diaper change? The one she has on now won’t last her until morning ”
Willow chewed on her lip.
“How about I go?”
“Sweetie, just don’t worry. I will be back in ten minutes.”
Tara moved to grab her coat and keys. “Besides, Amber is all comfy in your arms, and you know how hard it is to get her to sleep.”
At that moment Amber began to fuss.
Willow raised her eyebrows. “See, even she knows it’s not a good idea to go out now.”
Tara rolled her eyes, but nevertheless moved toward her wife and child. She captured her love’s lips, planting a brief but passionate kiss on her mouth with a promise of more later.
She then gently kissed Amber’s tiny head. “I’ll be back before you know it. Be good now sweetie.”
It had been half an hour since Tara left for the shops. The rain had not eased up and Willow was panicking.
Amber was fussing in Willow’s arms. She wondered whether the infant was picking up on her anxiety. Willow paced the room, rocking Amber in her arms and crooning softly to settle the child.
The TV was buzzing softly in the background, with Ray Cobbet reporting on Nightly News. Buffy usually watched the program to see if any odd and unnatural accidents or deaths have occurred around Sunnydale so she could have a heads up on any new nasties around town.
Willow wasn’t actively listening, only picking up on a few words here and there.
“… is going to continue at least until…”
“…spotted around midday…”
“…accident just off Rovello drive…”
Willow froze. Accident just off Rovello drive?
She quickly crossed the room, turning the volume up on the television. Her heart was racing, her breath becoming shallow as she listened for any mention of the parties involved in the accident.
“A young woman was killed in the crash. The driver’s license identified the woman as Tara Rosenberg Maclay”
Willow let out a strangled cry, covering her mouth with a shaking hand. She backed up into the couch, almost falling onto it. She would have collapsed if not for the precious life in her arms.
Pressing Amber closer, she began to sob. This couldn’t be happening. There must have been a mistake. Her Tara couldn’t be dead.
She promised she’d be back soon. She was going to walk through the door any minute now and say how sorry she was for making them worry. She’d say how the line at the shop was long because they had a new trainee on the register and he didn’t know what he was doing. Then she would take Willow into her arms and kiss her senseless, suggesting they put Amber to bed and go upstairs so Tara could give her the smoochies she had promised earlier.
But Willow’s fantasy crumbled as an image of Tara’s drivers license appeared on the screen.
“NOOOO” she screamed.
The sudden noise startled Amber who began to cry.
Buffy, also hearing the commotion, ran into the living room.
“Willow what’s the matter…”
Her voice trailed off as her eyes followed the direction of the redhead’s gaze, and she herself almost collapsed in shock and grief from what she saw. A mangled, bloody body of a young blonde female was being extracted from the wreckage of a car. The young woman was unmistakably Tara.
Willow starred at the screen. The scene changed to show the mangled car as the emergency workers began taking it apart. As a loose piece of metal was pried away, a bright yellow, box shaped object tumbled out from inside the car. A vibrant pink heading could be just made out. “Huggies Nappies”. The colourful package featuring happy teddy bears was clearly out of place among the broken glass and mangled metal.
Willow felt sick.
“I-I have to…I just have…”
Willow couldn’t finish her sentence. She couldn’t bring herself to voice her need to see her dead lover’s body for herself.
“Willow where are you going?” Buffy asked as the redhead shakily stood from the couch.
Willow just handed Buffy the wailing infant and headed out the door without bothering to grab a coat or umbrella.
Willow rushed around the corner. Rain blurred her vision but she only continued to run.
She should have been able to hear the sirens of the ambulance and police vehicles. She should have been blinded by the overwhelming brightness of the lights, as they contrasted to the blackness of the streets that engulfed her moments earlier. She should have felt the cold as the rain penetrated her clothing. But she didn’t. Her ears heard nothing but the sickening sound of scraping metal as the last remnants of the door where removed from their distorted vehicle. Her eyes saw nothing but her lover’s bloody body being lowered into the black body bag. Her body felt numb.
“WAIT” She yelled.
“WAIT”
She ran the last few feet before being promptly stopped by a police officer.
“I’m sorry miss, but you’re not authorized to be here.”
“You don’t understand.” She cried. “You don’t understand. She’s – “
Before she could complete her sentence the police officer cut her off.
“I understand that she’s probably a relative of yours but you’re not authorized –“
It was Willow’s turn to cut him off.
“You don’t understand,” she lashed out, her voice harsh and thick from crying.
“She’s my everything”
She shoved past him, running through the bright yellow tape placed to stop people entering the scene.
“Hey,” he yelled out, chasing after her.
She collapsed next to her lover, trying to keep control of her violently shaking body.
Her trembling hand scraped along the concrete as she unsteadily reached for her lover. She grasped Tara’s hand in her own but then instantly recoiled at the coldness of her skin. Tara’s hands were never cold.
Willow’s world began to spin making her dizzy and sick. Without warning she began heaving onto the sidewalk.
The next moment she felt unfamiliar arms roughly pulling her away. She struggled against the intrusive grip with no avail.
The last thing she remembered was how bizarre the combination of vomit and blood looked on the wet concrete road.
[hr]
A wail from the other room snapped Willow back into the now. She hurried into the room next door, gently scooping up the tiny bawling redhead into her arms and cradling her against her chest.
Willow checked to make sure her diaper was dry and that she wasn’t hungry, before settling into the rocking chair with Amber. She wished Tara could be there to sing one of her sweet songs to calm their child, but instead Willow settled for telling Amber about her beautiful mother. It had become almost ritualistic, but Willow was determined to make sure their daughter grew up knowing what an amazing person Tara was and more importantly just how much she had loved Amber.
[hr]
Six years later
Willow walked into the kitchen laying her briefcase down next to the counter. Amber was already sitting at the kitchen table happily munching away at her bowl of cereal.
“Morning mommy,” she grinned her toothless smile as Willow walked over to the table and planted a soft kiss on top of the girl’s head.
“Morning sweetie. Are you just about ready for school?”
Amber nodded.
“I just have to make my lunch.”
She hopped off her chair and went to place her empty cereal bowl in the sink, beginning to hum a tune. It was something she did after a really good night of sleep, or so that’s what Willow chalked it up to. She listened to her daughter’s humming, and occasional signing. Willow loved to hear Amber sing. She obviously inherited Tara’s voice.
She smiled as she began to sort out her briefcase, momentarily glancing at Amber clumsily making her lunch. Bits of tomato and cheese littered the counter and Willow made a mental note to remind the girl to clean up after she was done. She was about to go back to sorting a large file, when something made her freeze.
She focused on the child who was happily immersed in singing a tune Willow had not heard in years.
“A-Amber, sweetie, where did you learn that song?”
Willow knew the song very well. It was the same song Tara would sing to her whenever she was upset or couldn’t sleep. The first time Tara sang it she explained to Willow that it was the song her mother would sing to her when she was sick or when something was troubling her. Willow however never sang to Amber, always being too self-conscious of her singing voice.
She stared at Amber waiting for the child to reply.
Amber turned to face her mom and simply answered. “Mamma sings it to me.”
Willow’s face paled and she felt lightheaded. She knew that Amber always called her Mommy, always reserving Mamma for when they talked about…
She must have gotten mixed up, Willow reasoned.
“No honey, I never sang you that song,” Willow gently countered.
Amber shook her head, her forehead crinkling with concentration and her blue eyes shinning with determination. She wasn’t used to having to explain things to her Mommy. It was usually her Mommy that had to explain things to her.
She focused hard, trying to tell her Mommy that it was her Mamma who would sing to her. Her Mamma, who would come at night and stand next to her bed while the moon would shine through her hair.
She tried to think of the right words to say so as not to make her Mommy cry, as she often did when her Mamma was mentioned. “No, not you Mommy. Mamma sings it to me.”
Willow’s heart began to beat faster and tears threatened to spill. She felt her throat close up, but one word managed to escape her lips.
“Tara”
And at that moment she knew that Tara was never really gone.
[hr]
tbc
Do you all hate me now?
Purely beautiful... even if my heart's been cleanly torn in two right about now. 
made me wanna cry but i am in love with this story youve caught my attention 
please update soon!
for a while.
