REPOST: The Heart Rules The Mind

[DarkWiccan]

Hullo...just thought I would let you all know that I have my idea for the next section and will start working on it (and hopefully have it posted) tomorrow.



I'll do more replies tomorrow too...



Cheers!

DW

"Promise me you'll never be linear." "On my trout."

[DarkWiccan]

I know I promised replies... but how about an update instead?



Cheers!! enjoy!

____________________________________________



Tara and Lisa sat in the front seat of the older girl’s Toyota Corolla at the Sunnydale Drive-In watching the outdoor movieplex’s annual showing of Grease on the weathered free-standing screen. The familiar soundtrack echoed through the speaker-boxes that hung off of the car windows of the handful of moviegoers in attendance, most of whom were too busy necking to even watch the film.



Tara chewed absently on the straw of her drink while Lisa munched loudly on a jumbo bag of popcorn. The girls watched as John Travolta danced across a set of bleachers, bragging about his summer conquest, while Olivia Newton-John romanticized her summer of love while sitting on a lunch table.



”Can I ask you something?” Tara said after a moment.



”Whufph?” Lisa replied through a mouthful of popcorn.



”Why did you and Zack break up?”



Lisa paused mid-chomp. She and Zack had broken up over four months before after having dated for a little less than a year. She had no idea why her sister would bring him up now. She finished chewing and swallowed.



”I don’t know,” she finally said, “we just sort of…stopped finding each other interesting.”



Tara thought about this for a moment. “Then why did you date him?”



Lisa chuckled, “because I thought he was interesting.”



”No”, Tara sighed, rolling her eyes playfully and elbowing her sister lightly. “I mean…back when you first started going out, how did you know you wanted to date him?”



”I don’t know,” Lisa shrugged, “I just kinda did… he was cute and funny, and I knew he was interested in me, so…”



”How did you know he was interested? Did he tell you?”



Lisa popped another kernel in her mouth. “No,” she said, “I could just tell. He was always hanging around me and he had this smile that he’d only use with me.”



”Smile?”



”Yeah, this little flirtatious smirk,” she explained, “he’d drop his head so what bangs he had fell in front of his eyes, and he’d look up at me through his hair and smile this crooked grin, with his tongue poking out a little bit between his teeth.”



Tara noted Lisa grinning fondly at the memory and she smiled a little as well. “So, when did you decide to be a couple?”



”We didn’t so much decide as it just sort of happened,” her sister recalled. “I mean, he asked me to a movie, which I guess was sort of our first date, and when we ended up making out half-way through the first scene, I figured that we had to be something other than friends…”



”You made out with him on your first date?!” Tara was shocked, though good-naturedly so. Mostly she was fascinated.



”Well…if you count how long we’d been hanging out as friends before we went out on a date… it’s not like I had just met him…”



”I guess,” Tara allowed, taking a sip of her soda. Returning her attention to the screen, she watched John Travolta snub Olivia Newton-John in the high school parking lot as Travolta’s gang looked on. Finally, her curiosity got the better of her and she had to ask, “How’d it start?”



It took Lisa a moment to realize that Tara was asking her about her first make-out session with Zack. “Um…. my hand had been resting on my knee… and he had placed his hand on top of mine by the second preview… so I wanted him to know that it was okay for him to do that… so I sort of leaned up against him and put my head on his shoulder… we sat like that through the rest of the movie trailers… then when the opening credits started, I tilted my head to look up at him, and caught him looking back at me… and then we just sort of…gravitated to each other… and next thing you know…” She let the sentence hang and waggled her eyebrows instead for punctuation.



”How did you know you were supposed to kiss him?”



”We kinda kissed each other…”



”I know but… how did you know you wanted to kiss him?” Tara was desperately trying to understand.



”The feeling,” Lisa replied, as if it were the most obvious answer in the world. “You know, that feeling you get…kind of nervous and excited… your chest gets warm and tingly… and it tingles other places too…” Lisa let a lecherous smirk sneak onto her lips. Realizing her sister was watching her she shook it off. “I mean, you know…that feeling…” she paused, a thought suddenly occurring to her. “You do know what I’m talking about right, Tar? You do know that feeling…” When her sister blushed and looked away, the realization dawned. “Oh my God. You don’t! You don’t know what I’m talking about…do you.”



Tara bit her lip, embarrassed, before finally admitting with a sigh, “not so much…”



“Haven’t you ever been kissed before?”



“Yes I have been kissed,” Tara answered defensively.



“Okay…let me rephrase that,” said Lisa, trying a new tactic, “have you ever kissed anyone back?”



Tara was silent for a moment, not sure if she should share what happened between her and Willow the night their mother had died. Finally, she decided to be honest, if a bit vague. “Once… I started it…the kiss, I mean.”



“And how did it feel? What made you want to kiss… them?” Something told Lisa to keep her pronouns neutral.



“I didn’t feel …that’s why I did…because I was desperate to feel something…anything at all!” Tara was on the verge of tears, having become suddenly emotional for reasons that she couldn’t identify, except perhaps being mildly premenstrual. Still, she’d never felt so frustrated and helpless in all her life… even in dealing with her mother.



“Okay…alright”, Lisa soothed, a little bewildered by her sister’s sudden fragile condition, “it’s okay…” She waited a moment before posing her next question. “After the kiss… what did you feel? Anything?”



“Embarrassed… selfish…stupid…” Tara replied self-deprecatingly. Lisa was about to interrupt her sister’s self-recrimination when the blonde quietly added, “and maybe… a little tingley.”



“That’s good…” Lisa started to answer.



“But I’m not sure if I really know what I was feeling because… it was… really bad timing. I mean really bad.”



Lisa was starting to get irritated. Tara was always doing this. Always second-guessing herself and her feelings. Always taking the path of lesser pain. Always totally numbing herself to everything. Lisa was getting to the point where all she wanted to do was grab her sister by the shoulders and give her a vigorous shake in the hopes of snapping her out of…whatever it was she was stuck in.



“But you felt something,” Lisa finally stated, “that’s what you were looking for. And the fact that you did feel something says something… or at least it should.” Tara sat quietly, not answering. “Have you done anything else with…” she decided to take a leap, “with…Willow?”



Tara snapped to full attention, and regarded her sister with wide eyes. She blinked and looked down, trying to collect her thoughts, staring at the steering wheel in front of her. She swallowed a little, and continued to avoid Lisa’s eyes. “We… ,” she took a breath, “ snuggled… once.. on the couch, during a movie.”



“Who started it?” smirked Lisa, echoing her sister’s earlier question, secretly pleased at this new development .



“I did”, Tara admitted. “I laid down and put my head on her knee and she ran her fingers through my hair…” Lisa was about to comment when Tara interrupted her. “But I told her to stop.”



“Why?”



“Because it was making me uncomfortable…”



Lisa’s heart sank a little, Poor Willow, she thought. “How was it uncomfortable?” she asked aloud.



Tara shifted a little in her seat, nervously. “I’d never felt that way before…”



“What way?”



The blonde paused before looking up into Lisa’s eyes, as if she was summoning courage from some unknown source. She blushed even as she spoke, “I think I was… … turned on…”



Lisa couldn’t stop the mile-wide grin that slowly made its way across her face.



**********



TBC....

[shuyaku]

Ack! You are evil - in the "I love, LOVE this story and I cannot believe you left it there!" kinda way.

Quote:

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“I think I was… … turned on…”

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Not that there was ever any doubt whatsoever – I mean duh W/T on Pens – but yay! And woo. And hoo.



Did I say I love this story? Well, it’s worth repeating anyway.

-shuyaku

Oh God, Willow—you’re giving me the gift of Karen Carpenter. Just when I think I grasp the full extent of your love." - Tara

"Why do birds suddenly appear? It’s because, you are queer…" - Willow (Gods Served and Abandoned by AntigoneUnbound)

[The Rose24]

Yay!!! Tara is starting admit she feels something for Willow. Maybe she is finally starting to pull out of her emotional(or lack thereof) state.



There is hope for Willow yet.

Tara: My heart doesn't stutter.


Tara: Willow, I got so lost.

Willow: I found you. I will always find you.

[Washi]

Hehehehehe. Not so slowly anymore, heh? As always, great stuff

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"See? I've mastered this tact crap." Anya in Tears Of The Goddess by Lisa



The course of love doesn’t always run smooth, especially for the neurotic and accident-prone. ~ LadyB



.:Dark-bliss.net :. .:Blink.Flash.Sparkle.:. .:My blog:. .:Blood and Ink:. .:Washi's 70s Site:.

[daydreamer]

YEAH!!!! Finally. Tara. Turned on. Yes!!!

[mollyig]

Glad Tara didn't let the fact that she was asking advice from her little sister stop her from seeking help. I'm sure it came as a shock to Tara how astute Lisa could be. It's always the way when your little sister produces words of wisdom!

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"Love is just like breathing when it's true" Indigo Girls

[Urn of Osiris]

DW,



Continued brilliant writing. Your Tara is so guarded. She's survived in a numb state of pain that any outside emotion feels foreign. How interesting that she'd turn the kiss and cuddling into guilty pleasure, as if she's not allowed into the precious world of being loved. There is a fantastic flow to this fic. Each fragment opens up a deeper feeling of loss while simultaneously leading to hopefulness.



You write fantastic fic and I am now religiously checking Pens again. Thanks alot! It seemed to kick my muse into creating a third part to my fic. *searches for more time in the day*



Fantastic work here!! I look forward to more.

Urn of Osiris"Sour, sweet, bitter, pungent, all must be tasted." Chinese proverb

[KiwiAlcyone]

heya DW,



Thanks so much for some awesome updates!

The development of Willow and Tara's relationship is tantalisingly slow and absolutely gorgeous. I was definitely feeling for both of them during the couch scene which was perfect and it made me all tingly with anticipation as to what might happen next.

Tara is so uncertain and scared while poor Willow is being driven nuts not knowing whether Tara wants her or not and I'm being driven nuts by such great writing.



Beautiful...just beautiful...



Alcy

Spike: "C'mon vampires...grrr...nasty! Let's annihilate them for justice and for puppies and Christmas...right? Let's fight that evil! Let's kill something! Oh, come on!" - Doomed

[tinnakaren]

Fantastic update!

Quote:

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Lisa couldn’t stop the mile-wide grin that slowly made its way across her face.

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Me neither - I'm grinning very dopily right now - although I'm sure you'll wipe that smirk right off with another dose of angst

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Tinna Karen

-tölvunörd í fyrsta ættlið

[Puff]

Just adding my name to the list of kittens grinning in this thread It must be very confussing for Tara to go from suddenly not feeling anything to having these new feelings going on throughout her body that make her tingly. I'm glad she admitted it to someone though and put a name to those feelings, that she was turned on. I think that was a huge step for her. Let's hope she can go forward from here. Thanks for the update DW.

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So, the day started and I knew my name and had my pants on. So far, so good. Yay.
Amber Benson

[DarkWiccan]

Thanks everyone for your responses.



I will post replies in a few days.



I just came from the vet where my parents and I had our 18 yr-old terrier Button put to sleep.



She was very old and in a lot of pain... so it was something we had to do... but it didn't make it any easier...



We made the decision early this morning... and I left work to be with my family and with Button...



I appreciate your understanding my need to take a few days to begin to deal with this.



Take care.



DW

[sam darls]

Aww..that was so lovely..but you left it there?!! hehe. Love sammi xx

"Sometimes things happen between people that you don't really expect. And sometimes the things that are important are the ones that seem the weirdest or the most wrong. And those are the ones that change your life." - Jessie Sammler (Evan Rachel Wood)

[rezeaka]

DarkWiccan,



So so sorry to hear about you and your family's loss. Many positive vibes from me to you.



Hang in there!

-annie

~ http://www.revelinyourpsychosis.com ~

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"Why do you try to hold on to what you'll never get a hold of? You wouldn't try to put the ocean in a paper cup."

~Ani Difranco, 'Hour Follows Hour'

[ophelia11]

Another wonderful update.



I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. That's always such a hard thing to go through. My thoughts are with you!

[TemperedCynic]

That was sooo lovely! Tara and Lisa finally connecting as sisters for the first time since the funeral, and what a topic! Well, well, well - so Tara tries desperately to understand what she is feeling, uses Lisa as her sounding board and discovers that she has the hots for a gamin-faced redheaded girl. Now that she knows the truth, what will she do with that knowledge? Be all avoid-y or be more forward? Should be fun to see what happens.



Condolences for your loss, DW.

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More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. Woody Allen (1935 - )

[SilverWingedNemesis]

OMG!!



YAY!!!



*giggles & grins*



I have GOT to have more!!!!



YAY YOU!!!



YAY TARA!! wake up!!!! *giggles*





thanks for this!! can't wait to see more!



Nick



(yeah, i'm just a little hyper today..)

"Life is eternal; it has no beginning and no end. The loving friends we meet on our journey return to us time after time. We never die, because we were never really born."

[WillowPowered]

Let the gay lovin' begin.



Errr what I mean is, what a lovely update with Tara kind of figuring out how she feels.



Jill

~~~~~~~~

Willow - Say, you all didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs did ya?



My Home Page | Amber Powered



There is a little bit of Amber in all of us.

[mollyig]

DW Sorry to hear about Button.

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"Love is just like breathing when it's true" Indigo Girls

[Washi]

DW, I too am sorry to hear abut your loss. In those situations, people think that saying that it was time, or it was for the best help, but it doesn't.

Rest for a while, take care of yourself. My thoughts are with you.

-------------------



"See? I've mastered this tact crap." Anya in Tears Of The Goddess by Lisa



The course of love doesn’t always run smooth, especially for the neurotic and accident-prone. ~ LadyB



.:Dark-bliss.net :. .:Blink.Flash.Sparkle.:. .:My blog:. .:Blood and Ink:. .:Washi's 70s Site:.

[Grimlock72]

DW, that was a nice update and of course you're free to take some days of to be with your familly and grieve.



This update struck me as not being so much about Tara's relation with Willow (if any:-) but about Tara having relationships in general. She indeed is somewhat stuck in that she never went into the lovey-dovey phase but skipped right ahead to take-care phase when her mother became ill. At least that's what I guess based on the current information .



It is weird to see older sister ask younger sister for advise on such things. Including the entire kissing description and such, god that must have been weird for Lisa to describe to her older sister. Still it did get the job done, now Tara at least knows that some tingly feeling is normal and good .



It's hard to explain a 'feeling' though, but I guess Tara has the feeling down already, heh. She doesn't know what to do with it. Good girl Lisa hopefully convinced Tara to go out a bit more.



Grimmy

--
"You hurt Tara," Willow said too calmly. "The last one who tried that was a god. I made her regret it." -- Unexpected Consequences by Lisa of Nine

[Puff]

Hey DW I just wanted to say sorry for you and your families loss. My thoughts are with you.

---

So, the day started and I knew my name and had my pants on. So far, so good. Yay.
Amber Benson

[DarkWiccan]

Okay... so I decided to pull myself together and try and write some replies... I need to keep myself busy otherwise I start dwelling on...stuff.



Thank you everyone for your condolences and kind words about losing Button... she was an irreplaceable part of my family and it is going to take a while for her passing to be something that I fully come to accept and comprehend.



She was with our family for 18 years (which is a remarkable length of time for a dog to live). She was like a child to my parents and a sibling to me...I guess you could say that like most kids, she turned 18 and moved out... only there will be no phone calls, no holiday visits... no seeing her again... and coming to grips with that idea is difficult to bear.



So... taking it a day at a time, I guess.



Onto replies...



shuyaku -- Thanks Glad you are enjoying the slow process of revelation.



The Rose24 -- Yep, this was a HUGE step for Tara, to actually admit she feels something. Hopefully more admissions will start to come soon.



Washi -- Who said things weren't still moving slowly, eh? This may have been a major step forward... but it doesn't necessarily mean that the pace has increased. Patience is a virtue, or so I am told. Also, thanks for your condolences.



TiggrScorpio -- Don't put away your Pepto yet... there may (or may not) be more angst ahead... in the near (or distant) future.... maybe...



daydreamer -- Glad you liked the update.



mollyig -- In this update, Tara and Lisa really switched roles. Lisa became the older, wiser sister while Tara became the unsure adolescent. I don't think that Tara was shocked so much that Lisa had a working knowledge of relationships, after all, Lisa has had them and Tara has not.. although, I do agree at the oddness of the situation... but as Anya pointed out earlier, Tara did sort of stunt her growth as a sexual being and now she is having to start learning from square one. Thanks for your thoughts on Button.



Urn of Osiris -- ... Gosh, the way you keep calling me brilliant is going to cause people to think they'll need to wear sunglasses just to look at me. You might want to be careful or all this praise is gonna give me a big head

Quote:

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How interesting that she'd turn the kiss and cuddling into guilty pleasure, as if she's not allowed into the precious world of being loved.

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I don't feel that Tara thinks she is unworthy of love... I think that she felt she was taking advantage of Willow and using her as a means to try to elicit some sort of emotional/physical response from within herself. Instead of kissing Willow because she felt a sudden surge of love, affection or even attraction, she was kissing her in the hopes of feeling a surge of ...anything. The cuddling was really another (forgive me for using this HORRIBLE word) "experiment" to sort of test her emotional "bars" and see if being that close to Willow, in what could be considered an intimate manner, would cause a physical or emotional response... and by George, it did As I have said before... baby steps are the key here. Tara doesn't really know what she wants or likes.. and in truth she is using Willow a little to figure these things out...is this fair to Willow? In the here and now...no it is not. But trust me when I say that the end will justify the means.



KiwiAlcyone -- Thanks Glad to know that I'm driving you nuts... I mean.. in a good way... dang it... you know what I mean. I hope.



tinnakaren -- Oh good... dopey grins are just what I was aiming for with this update. I figured ya'll deserved a break from the angst.



Puff -- You're right... this is a very confusing time for Tara. She has alot of issues to deal with... and she is beginning to work through them slowly. Thanks for your condolences.



sam darls -- Well, OF COURSE I left it there... don't you know I live to torture you? j/k



rezeaka -- Thank you, that's very sweet of you to say.



ophelia11 -- Thanks, my family and I will get through this time... but it's always nice to know that people are thinking of you.



TemperedCynic -- You pose a very good question here:

Quote:

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Now that she knows the truth, what will she do with that knowledge? Be all avoid-y or be more forward?

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Only time will tell the answer, I'm afraid. Thanks for your concern.



SilverWingedNemesis -- Okay... so... let me guess... too much caffeine?



WillowPowered -- Still a-ways to got before THAT happens. But at least this this update, a step has been taken in the right direction.



Grimlock72 -- Sorry I didn't respond to your last post, but inspiration struck and I had to start writing the update. You said something very, very true in your most recent response:

Quote:

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This update struck me as not being so much about Tara's relation with Willow (if any:-) but about Tara having relationships in general

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Yup. You hit the nail on the head. Tara has never had sexual feelings before, so as a result, she is kind of lost as far as knowing what to do with them. She has to figure this very important set of details out before anything can happen between her and Willow. Otherwise, it wouldn't be fair to either of them.



Okay...well... my muse is sort of taking bereavement leave... so it may be next week before another update is posted... plus I have to figure out what is going to happen next... which requires much more clear-headedness than I am capable of right now.



Your patience is appreciated. Thank you.



Cheers

DW

[Sheba]

This is an amazing fic....I love it....go DW! Just one thing though....longer updates? And ooh, more frequent ones wud be good too!

[shuyaku]

DW - my condolences to you and your family.



-shuyaku

Oh God, Willow—you’re giving me the gift of Karen Carpenter. Just when I think I grasp the full extent of your love." - Tara

"Why do birds suddenly appear? It’s because, you are queer…" - Willow (Gods Served and Abandoned by AntigoneUnbound)

[Always E]

DW,



Okay, I'm all caught up with your story and I think I must be tired in that I thought it was appropriate that Grease was playing in the background as Tara tried to figure out what she was feeling about Willow...while being with her sister. Yep...tired to the point of rambling.



Do I get brownie points for bringing another Kitten to your thread...because she was looking for me. I promise I'll e-mail her tonight.



I'll just say again how much I'm enjoying this story. The whole hypothetical line of questioning was classic Willow and you write her so well. Then I can't forget to mention the vivid image I had with the whole nervous-Willow-stangles-the-wax-apple bit. Perfect...just perfect. I can't wait to read more.



Finally, I hope this weekend brings you and your family some time to begin to heal your hearts after the loss of Button.



Always,



-E

[DarkWiccan]

Sheba -- Glad you enjoyed this update. But as to your request for longer or more frequent ones... As a writer I try to not go any further than my muse dictates. To do so would be erroneous and unnecessary. The updates are as long as they need to be so long as they accomplish what they set out to do. The frequency of updates for this fic has been faster and more frequent than any other fic I have posted on this board. As I mentioned in my replies post on Thursday, I am taking a few days to grieve the loss of my family pet Button. I know you will understand. Thank you for your response.



shuyaku -- Thank you. I really appreciate it.



Always E -- First of all, thank you for dinner the other night. You were exactly the person I needed to see in the wake of such bad news. You are the best big sis I never had. So far as Grease being appropriate background noise to this last update... you are right.. and I did choose it for a reason. Good eye Glad you enjoyed the Willow-speak line of questioning... I think I write her well because my brain consists of willow-babble 24/7. I just channel it onto the page. Again, thanks for everything.



Cheers

DW

[JustSkipIt]

DW,

First, I want to say how sorry I am about your dog. Thursday I had to take my dog to get her teeth cleaned and I was terrified of losing her right up until they called to say she was fine. So I can really relate.



Next, I love the interaction between Tara & Lisa. It’s great that Lisa is the younger sister but can listen and advise her older sister on these issues. Tara of course has closed herself off for so long to feeling her body and her emotions, that she hasn’t gained any awareness. In a way, I can relate: I remember when I was in high school and couldn’t understand what people were talking about with the whole sex thing. It just didn’t seem that appealing to me (yes, that all changed :smirk).



But it’s adorable from Tara that she’s asking questions and her admission that she thinks she was turned on is very telling.

---

"Your little will can't do anything. It takes Great Determination. Great Determination doesn't mean just you making an effort. It means the whole universe is behind you and with you - the birds, trees, sky, moon, and ten directions." - Katagiri Roshi

[girlfriends actually]

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about ur dog. I just read about her. I know how hard it is to lose a pet. Now about the story. I wanna say Gr8 update and very deep!! Especially Tara questioning her feelings. I know what that is like.

[DarkWiccan]

JustSkipIt -- Thank you for your condolences. I really appreciate that. I'm glad you enjoyed the sibling interaction. Tara knows about the facts of life... it's the feelings of life that have her confused. Fortunately, Lisa knows her well enough to help her to start understanding them... hopefully for the benefit of others



girlfriends actually --Thank you!



Okay... I am working on the update right now and will definitely have it posted later tonight. I don't know how late, or how early... but there will be an update tonight guaranteed.



Cheers!

DW