Coming Out Stories

[Puff.]

Hi kittens, so this is my first thread on the new board. Let's hope it doesn't get closed

I have to give a speech at college about something that means a lot to me. So I am giving one about the process of coming out.

What would really help me is if you told me your coming out story, reactions etc. And also what it means to you to be out to someone. If you are not out, then why?

If you don't want to post it for any reason then please feel free to email it to me at Puff614@hotmail.com. I really do appreciate this. Oh and if anyone has any sites/resources they think would be helpful then please tell me
Thanks again.

[Kieli]

Hmmm tough speech topic.



Well, I'm not sure if my story would be very helpful to you, but I'll at least try. I never really did a whole big "this is me, coming out to all of you" type thing. To be honest, I never really had to which was surprising. Everyone I was either acquainted with or friends with pretty much knew before I was willing to admit it (or rather, felt comfortable with admitting it). The only person who hadn't guessed it already was my best friend. When I came out to her, her reaction was kind of surprising. She pretty much said she was ok with it, and that it would never have changed our friendship anyway (which was odd because when a guy friend told her that he was in love with her, she ended the friendship on the spot and told him to never call, write or see her again.....needless to say, I there was a reason why I was a tad apprehensive about coming out to her...I'd been in love with her since we met).



Coming out to my mother was more of a denial thing on her part. We were sitting at the PX in Fort Bragg, NC having lunch when I told her that Diana and I were together and that it was pretty serious. She didn't look at me, said she knew but that she didn't want to talk about it. I tried to get her to understand but she acted like she didn't really want to know the details. *shrug* Oddly enough, my parents took it rather laconically (no denouncing me from the highest pulpit) and they totally love Diana. I guess I was more fortunate than some others.



Coming out to people who haven't seen me in a long time was mostly hilarious. I say that because a good many of them said, "Oh honey don't worry, I'm gay too and have been for years!" So basically I wasted several years worrying for nothing, it seems.



That's my story and I'm stickin' to it. Good luck, Puff-chick.



Peace,

Toni

"I withdrew from the world, not because I had enemies but because I had friends. Not because they did me ill turn, as is customary, but because they thought me better than I am. It was a lie I could not endure." --Albert Camus

[Under Her Spell]

Well, a friend of mine came out to me by text message. He was trying to come out to as many people as possible as quickly as possible, I think.

-------------

Maybe we should focus on the gobbledygook?

Tara, 'The Yoko Factor' shooting script



¦ Slain by Buffy ¦

[wiltar]

Okay... my coming out story.



I first told my parents that I'm attracted to women when I was 15, almost 16. Their reactions were not the best... in a way they were, because they didn't kick me out of the house...but they told me it was a phase, that I would grow over it. It was a big deal to me, and I was and still am absolutely sure of my sexuality... so, to be honest: I'd rather had them mad at me than this, this felt like denying me.

Ever since, they have not spoken about it again seriously... my mum asked me once if I still had 'those feelings', but that's about it.



After that, I told the mum of the kids I babysit. I was 16 at the time. Through her, I met my first gf. I never told my parents about her... Soon, the kids that I babysit found out as well..they're great, the girl was all like :When I'm all grown up, I'm gonna live with a girl as well. These reactions were also important to me, mostly because finally someone just accepted it...I needed that. Soon, I told my nephew with who I am very close. He too accepted it without any hesitation.



All was going well, I felt kinda happy...my friends didn't know yet, but I was okay with it, I felt like I wasn't ready to tell them yet. However, something suckee came up. Somehow, at my school the rumor started spreading that I'm gay. I found out about that after a 'friend' of mine told me she didn't wanna have contact with me anymore. I asked her why, and she said: People say you're gay, it's all over school.

I didn't know what to do or say..I didn't really notice anyone else treating me different. Even though these rumors weren't very clear, at least not for me, I didn't wanna have my friends find out about me through rumors. So, I told them. One friend via MSN Messenger, one on the phone, and the other 'important' friend heard it from that first friend, who happens to be her sister. They all accepted it too. Another 'victory' for me.



That's the important part... most people I know, know now as well because of rumors and one of my friends who couldn't keep her mouth shut and confirmed the rumors... I haven't had any bad reactions though, so I'm not mad at her.



Hope this helps you



Patricia

---------------

W-what were they looking at?

-The hotness of you doofus!!!

[Taz]

My Story

My girl came to my job with me to pick-up my paycheck, i said guys this is Abi my girlfriend. they said Hi nice to meet you.

End of Story

Edited by: xita  at: 4/17/02 9:26:08 pm

[KathleenWolf]

I'm adding this only cause anyone I have relayed the story too says its funny....



basically no one in my family knew till...



my brother asked my step father out of curiosity

later that week my step father made an off the cuff joke about me needing a good woman to take care of me (to which I misqued as him stating that he knew and was cool in his own very loving way)

later my mother mentions my brother's conversation with my step father... and wrongly I assume that she means please talk to your brother and clear things up

so after discussing with Beth I decided to come out to my brother (who is 9 years younger and was fascinated by the idea he and his older sister can now appraise women together... laugh)

then go back to tell my mom that i've told my brother... and end up discovering though my parents had questions they are very liberal with the healthy and loving appraisal that I am an adult and thus they weren't going to pry either way as long as i was happy..



thus in a funny and nice way... my brother outed me



I keep telling him he owes me for it big time!



I have grown up in a very loving and very liberal household... where I quite honestly could have come out formally many years ago... but it was my own pressure about myself that kept me from saying anything...



good luck with your presentation

[TaraManiac]

Well, Hope this help



Since i've been Out (Lucky Me) i haven't had really bad reactions from anyone i've told to... The first person that i told i was lesbian to, Was my Best friend in highschool, she took it very well, and Said she was happy for me, I don't know why she said that, but it really felt good coz she was really accepting for who i am, so from then on, I thought it would be easy when i told it to someone else...



I never thought of telling my parents directly, or at least not in a long long time, but it happened without even thinking. My mom once was looking for something in my room and she found my Girlfriend's (now my ex) letter that she had written for me, and she shocked. In that moment i wasn't home, but when i got there i found my mom sitting on my bed with a.. pretty weird attitude, so i asked "what's up?" and She was like "What does this mean??" and showed me the letter, well, at first i was shocked too, but then i realized that i had been caught so, I had to face it , so i told her it was what it looked like and she just replied me with a "That's the last thing i needed from you...", and she left. She never mentioned anything about it again. After that i felt bad, coz i didn't want my mom to find out that way, I wanted her to find out in a little "nicer" way, but well, i couldn't do anything about it. Of course since then she has made comments about my lesbianism kinda "joking" but, well, at least she didn't stop talking to me or something, Maybe it was the best thing to happen.



My Dad found out also without me wanting it, He caught me kissing my Gf once, so I didn't have to explain anything, i mean it was so obvious, It was kind of embarrassing coz it wasn't the best way to find out either... but he just said "So, that's what u do with ur friends, huh?" and I just freezzed. Luckily he didn't say anything in front of my Gf coz i think it woulda been worse , so i consider myself as lucky, coz though my parents found out i'm a lesbian in funny ways, they didn't do a big deal about it, that's why it wasn't difficult for me to come out, Everything happened without any effort, Hehe...



Besides that, i've told all of my friends (well, the close ones) that i'm gay, but they've taken it pretty well, don't making big deal about it either.



With this i'm saying that i'm lucky , coz though i Live in a Country (México) where Gay people are still not pretty accepted, I haven't had really Bad Times with people knowing that i'm a Lesbian, I think I just have very good friends and kinda Understanding (In a way) parents.



Good luck with ur Speech, Puff!



-Liliana-



*Edited coz bad spelling

She's My Everything...

Willow-Tough Love

Edited by: TaraManiac  at: 4/17/02 9:06:06 pm

[Darcy]

Just to clarify: I'm an old fart who came out back in the late 70s/early 80s by way of various women's/lesbian/feminist organizations). I didn't so much come out as just was out, having decided that it wasn't worth the effort to hide. From the age survey in the Polls section, I may be one of the few people who came out that far back!



As far as family/friends go, I initially came out to my (six years younger) sister. She came to visit me after I moved back to Philadelphia. I was sharing an apartment with three other women (one straight, one lesbian, one bisexual according to their self-identification), actively involved with several feminist organizations, and playing softball on a team sponsored by the local lesbian organization. One night we went out to the local lesbian bar. While sitting outside the bar to get out of the smoke, I said something like, "Well, I guess you've figured out by now that I'm living what is known as a lesbian lifestyle." She said, "Yeah, it wasn't hard." "Any problem with it?" "Naw - I've been living in Bloomington (Indiana) for years. I've got plenty of gay friends." It's been a running joke between us that she wouldn't be single if she would just let me fix her up with a nice woman.



On the other hand, I planned a whole elaborate scheme for coming out to my mother. I didn't really expect a terrible reaction from her, but I lined up friends to be available with shoulders to cry on if it went badly. I decided to come out to her while I was single because I didn't want to risk her blaming a future girlfriend for leading me astray or something. She wasn't happy, which in retrospect shouldn't have surprised me, since these were the days before the gay community was really visible to the straight world. Her only contact had been these two gay guys she had worked with at a florist (how steroetypical is that?) who spent all their time bemoaning how miserable they were. She thought that meant that I would be miserable, too, and was concerned about the kind of people I would be associating with.



Once I was out to her, I was able to introduce her to the people I hung out with, and she discovered that my taste in friends was just as good as ever, and she generally liked the people she met. She really hit it off with a couple of them, even going so far as to say she felt like she'd known my friend Denise in a previous life.



I never had "the talk" with my father. It turned out that he had figured things out when he helped me pack to move back East. I had a bunch of books that had been given to me by a lesbian friend who was going into the service, and he thought I had bought them. At the time, I hadn't completely come out even to myself! I was really nervous about coming out to him, since he was usually a lot more socially conservative than my mother. What I didn't know is that he and my stepmother has been going through a grueling coming out process with her oldest son, complicated by the fact that they were devout Baptists.



The first Christmas after I met Corky (1984), they were stopping in Philadelphia to visit me on their way from Massachusetts to Indiana. I had given them Corky's address and phone number as better for reaching me than my own home. Corky was getting ready to go home to West Virginia for the holidays, and they offered to drive her partway so her mother could pick her up. Some five hours into the drive, just before they arrived at the transfer point, my stepmother turned around and announced, "We're so glad Darcy met you. She's been so happy lately." Corky's jaw must have landed in her lap!



We've been very lucky in that both our families know and are very supportive. My very Catholic aunts (on my mother's side) just don't talk about it, and a couple are trying to pretend it's not so. My cousins think that's hysterically funny. My sister wants my mother to host a party after Corky and I have our civil union ceremony this summer, just to see how they'll try to hang onto their denial!



I've never worked somewhere that didn't include sexual orientation anti-discrimination policies, and usually had visible gay/lesbian employees as well, so being out at work has never been an issue. I just talk about Corky the way my co-workers talk about their spouses and let people draw their own conclusions.



Hope all this helps!

[Karzia]

I kinda told this story on the GLBT thread but will repet it for your project.



I really didn't ever "come out" except to my mother. I came out to myself on my 30th B-day in, of all places, a gay bar in SF. I was sitting with freinds and all of a suddened I just blurted out, "gee I am gay" this is funny only because I had never said it aloud and had been in my relasionship almost 5 years at that time.

As for freinds, well most of my freinds are numbered amoung the Fen( hardcore SF fans) and I think they all knew long before I ever did, thus it never came up.

My mother was really the only person I offically came out to. I had been talking to my brother ( who like my freinds knew long before I did) about "telling Mom" and had taken the advice of a dear freind, and had made an appointment with her at a local GLBT freindly coffee bar in downtown Omaha. I figured if she was gonna shit on me I was gonna need a freindly uninvolved support group.We sat down over Mochas and I said "there is somthing I want to tell you." to which she responded, "your gonna tell me your gay, right." Well after picking up my lower jaw off the floor, I asked "so how long have you know?" her answer, "when you passed up two perfectly ok marriage proposals."

So I guess everyone knew but me. funny how things work out. I do realize that I am one of the lucky ones, little tramma and a whole lot of good feelings.

"The Bible contains
six admonishments of Homosexuals and 362 of Heterosexuals, That doesn't mean God doesn't love Hetrosexuals, just that they need more supervsion."


Lynn Laver

[La]

Well, I sort of came out twice to everyone. When I was a freshman in college (at Vassar College, a nice liberal school where sexual orientation is an afterthough), I came to the very slow realization that I was bi, I had a boyfriend at the time, and he was definitely the first to know since I talked about all of my feelings with him. My mother was sort of the first person I officially came out to, and it was sitting in a restaurant in Poughkeepsie when she had come to pick me and my stuff up and drive back to Chicago for the summer. She wasn't terribly excited about it, but was glad I think that "there was still hope" -- as she put it. My dad found out from my mom. I told my younger brother when we were in the car together (we used to take a lot of drives together before he could drive) and his first reaction was "Does Jim [my boyfriend at the time] know?" All of my friends from high school pretty much knew, so when I told them, almost all of them said "so?" Telling my friends from college was the most difficult probably. Not because I didn't think they'd accept me (of my close college friends, 2 are bi, 1 is gay and only a handful are "completely" straight), but because they'd already gotten to know me as "the straight one with the boyfriend". But of course they took it fine and it was no big deal.



Then, after three years of calling myself bi (and breaking up with the boyfriend "because we'd grown apart and changed"), and being attracted to and hooking up mostly with women, I finally figured out/admited to myself that I was, in fact, gay. So then I had to tell everyone all over again. I came to this realization about a year ago (May 2001), told all the friends at college, one of whom had been my listening post for all of my thoughts anyway, sent an email to the high school friends I still talk to (who didn't really have any big reaction), told my brother over the phone (no big reaction from him either). I never came out and told my mom "I'm gay now" but when we were traveling together in December, she asked something like "So have you completely closed the door on having a relationship with a man" and I said "Well, maybe there's a toothpick holding the door open" (she has big guilt problems, as much as I try to tell her that there's no blame to be laid at all ... blame it on the 16 years of Catholic education). Then, as many of you heard, about a month ago, I came out to my dad, and he was cool with it, said it wasn't a big surprise.



So that's my (rather long) story.

~La



You know you've been in Korea too long when you go to a "western" restaurant and can't seem to get the hang of using a knife and fork.

Edited by: La at: 4/17/02 8:59:50 pm

[SlayerTazz]

I have to say that my coming out wasn't one of the more graceful moves of my life. I was just dumped by my gf of 4 years...2 days prior I had found out that my great grandfather had inoperable cancer (not her best timing). I was basically feeling lost...I had been kicked in the gut twice in a couple days so I figured "eh, what the hell...its now or probably never...so I invited my mom over and told her...she stared at me for about 5 minutes (which felt like an eternity) and then said "I knew that, I just thought that I'd give you time and let you tell me when you were ready"...I sat there dumb-founded, shocked, and very relieved. Then came the hard part of telling my grandma and my great grandfather...for some reason I felt this was going to be the hardest part of all - what was I going to do if the 2 most important people in my universe turned me away...I agonized over it for days...then came the time to tell them - needless to say their reaction is one that I will truly never forget. They both looked me in the eyes, smiled, laughed, and then said "no shit, I thought you were going to tell me something that I didn't know." I just sat there - thinking - well actually I couldn't think I was in shock. They told me that as long as I was happy that was all that mattered and that is all that will ever matter to them.



I've got friends who have the horror coming out stories...I'm grateful that I have the family that says - "no shit, we have other things to worry about - if your happy we're happy."

A dream is a wish the heart makes.

Willow: "You had two eggs, sunny-side-up. I remember because they were wiggling at me like little boobs."

Tara: "Sassy Eggs."

[Morphine]

Karzia - absolutely love your sig...



I never came out, in my opinion. Everybody knows, I speak openly about my love life, which is critically ill, by the way!



I come from a psychologist mommy (the good kind, not the ones with low voices and aberrant docility running around loving humankind) who, as a monoparental mother, a professional woman and a strong, independant feminist, not only knew before I ever told, but showed me the path to self-acceptance. And friends who thought it was "cool" to be gay... (don't ask... us socially unfit losers tend to praise the most amazing things... such as crates of oranges, shiny objects, thunderstorms and... different people with the courage to be themselves).



I never came out to my dad. Partly because I haven't seen him in 10 years.



But I have a friend whose coming-out story was nothing short of a nightmare... I won't get into his private life here, but let's say he was more than glad to have friends with an empty bedroom in their flats. His parents and brothers were... inhumanly cruel.

_____________________


Tara : No, see, 'cause your insect reflection
represents your insignificance...
in terms of the karmic cycle.

[girlwiththebraids]

so...freshman into sophomore year of college i struggled with my feelings towards three girls one after another...and a string of gay or uninterested boys...growing up catholic, but involved in theatre, i was comfortable with gay people, but unsure of how i felt about it in myself. by the third girl i fell for, i figured i needed to just get over myself. i came out as bi to three of my close friends in a game of "if" questions over spring break...i think it was "if you had to do the hardest thing ever what would it be" was the question in the book and i said telling my parents i was bisexual...they were fine with it...after break i came out to my friends at school, most of whom said "well, duh"



my parents, well...in november of last year i fell into a relationship with a wonderful girl...it was the first girl that was more than just a kiss...and became a wonderful girlfriend...so, by april, when all our friends and both her parents knew, i figured i had to deal with it...so, as a transition (i swear this made sense in my head) i dyed my hair blue so that the first thing my parents would notice was, "hey, maybe this isn't the same girl who went away to college four years ago" and when they came to see the play i directed and saw my hair, they took that pretty well, and then i took them aside and said "um, i've been dating someone for four months, we're really happy, and her name is colleen"...they took it surprisingly well. unfortunately, now i still haven't found a way to explain that we broke up...parents are silly.



hope that helps...



oh, and a funny note for me...the easiest person to come out to was definitely my ex-boyfriend



braids

"Is she your sister?"

"She's my everything."



"Oh...Oh! It's not a...gay...thing...I mean...she is...gay...but we don't...gay...Not that there's anything..."

[Thanatopsis]

I always had an inkling I was gay through high school, but pushed it aside when the only out bi person got more shit than I ever wanted to deal with, such as getting thrown in the garbage. I came out in college. The first person I came out to was my best friend, over the phone. I don't recommend this. I got almost five minutes of silence. And then, "Well, I guess it all makes sense." I was glad for the reaction, but those minutes of silence were possibly the most nerve wracking ever. People around me kind of figure it out because myself and another girl were pretty obvious and she was half out herself. Almost all of my other friends heard through the grapevine, which I guess makes it easier. I got one friend, really, really drunk, a few months later telling me, "I just want you to know, and this is my honest drunk self, I'm very cool with it." For reasons, even I can't fathom, I told my parents separately. My dad in person. I got a pause and a "I just want you to be happy." My mother was over the phone. (I have this weird thing about having really important conversations over the phone, apparently) "Well, I guess whatever makes you happy." Though my favorite is an old high school friend who said, "Oh. Hmmm, so anyway..." And went back to whatever she was talking about. I didn't really have too much "coming out" to do, since the rumor mill with my friends pretty much did it for me.

-----------------
Yet we must Clark Kent our way through the dating scene never to use our unfair advantage. Thank God we're pretty.


Dawn: I gave birth to a pterodactyl.
Anya: Oh my god. Did it sing?

Edited by: Thanatopsis at: 4/19/02 2:21:22 pm

[maudmac]

Puff, I wish you the best with your speech. Speech hard.



I've really enjoyed reading everyone's stories. They're so positive!



I always knew I liked girls. When I was six years old, I had the hugest crush ever on Olivia Newton-John. When I was in Brownies (and 7 or 8 years old) , we had an assistant troop leader who was probably 16 or 17. She was probably my first real life crush. I was so young and comfortable with my own feelings, I was blatantly obvious about my crushes. It never occurred to me that society had issues with girls who liked girls or boys who liked boys. When the kids in my neighborhood and I played house, I always insisted on having a "wife" too. It made no sense to me that we should have to pair up boy/girl. This was probably where I first started getting the notion that most people frowned on what I was. I certainly never got it from my mother, who always encouraged me to be whatever I wanted to be.



Over my adolescence, suffering devastating crushes on other girls, I came to understand just how against the world I was by liking girls. So I quit being so blatantly obvious and got a boyfriend. I really did/do care about him. We're still in touch (15 years later) and I'm out to him. He's one of The Good Guys, exactly the kind of man I would want if I were straight. I really lucked out there.



My bf (the one and only bf I've had) went off to college and we broke up. He was a few years older, so I was still in high school. I had a male friend who was the subject of numerous nasty rumors about his sexuality. I broached the subject with him one night and he came out to me. Words cannot express what I felt at that moment. It was like the highest high I can imagine. We had a good cry, a good hug, and I came out to him, too.



Still high as a kite, I went to school the next day and promptly came out to about five of my closest friends. Only one was suprised. The others all went, "Well, duh." But all were supportive and, fortunately for me, they kept their mouths shut. (This was in a small town in rural Alabama. It could have ended badly.) Still hadn't told my mother yet, though.



So I graduated, but some seriously fucked up shit happened right after that that changed a lot of things for me. I had a bad car accident (lots of blood and bone fragments and surgeries and whatnot) and ended up not being able to go to college as planned. While home recovering, I started writing some pen pals I met through a Rocky Horror Picture Show zine. (God, does anyone remember print zines? This was in '91.) Well, surprise, surprise, most of them were queer as three dollar bills. (And one of them would eventually become my first girlfriend.) I started getting that high again, and an itch to come out some more. The only person left to come out to was my mom.



My exact words were the most stupid translation of "Mom, I'm gay" I have ever heard and it's painful to admit they came out of my mouth. But by now, I was fully cognizant of the fact that The World Hates Us, so I guess I was somehow trying to distance myself from actually being One of Them. (Can you say "internalized homophobia"? I sure wish Willow and Tara had been around then.) What I said was, "I am not a heterosexual person." My mom put down her newspaper and looked at me over the top of her glasses and said, "Well, I wondered when you were going to tell me. I've known since you were two years old." We talked very briefly and then she made it clear the conversation was over by putting her paper back up and saying, "All I have to say is 'to thine own self be true.'" And that was it. Over. Done. It was very much a non-issue at my house.



I broke up with that other girlfriend and have now been with my current gf six years. My mother has never been anything less than 100% supportive of her and our relationship. She treats her like family, which, of course, she is. Last summer, I met my gf's family for the first time and they treat me the same. I couldn't be more "family" to them if I'd been born into them. (It took 6 years to meet them because my gf and I are in Alabama and her family is in Hawaii.)



I'm out at work. Fortunately, it's a business that has "serving alternative lifestyles" as part of its mission. Tons of queers there.



I'm out to almost anyone who asks. One thing I've learned about coming out is that it's a process. We can't ever do it just the once. We have to keep doing it every time we meet new people. I'm really good at it now. It's easy for me and that's absolutely due to my fantastic life-long good fortune to be surrounded by tolerant, accepting people.



I still get a little bit of a buzz from coming out. I love doing it.



We all seem so lucky. A few others have mentioned that they have friends who haven't been so lucky and I do, too. "Inhumanly cruel" is a pretty good description of the way one guy I know's family treated him.



I realize this post is inhumanly long. I'm sorry about that. But at least it's in the right thread!



Again, good luck Puff! Hope some scrap of this is useful to you.

------------------------------
Be kind - Remember every one you meet is fighting a battle - everybody's lonesome.
--- Marion Parker

Edited by: maudmac at: 4/18/02 12:52:29 am

[neta]

Three of my friends know for sure because I have talked with them about it. Some of my other friends don't know and still others may or may not know for sure. I've talked about gay issues around them but I have not told them.



My family has heard rumors about it, one person said something and before long it was all over, my family for the most part hasn't said anything. I don't think they believe the rumors. I do have one brother who came right out and asked if I was gay. He did this while I had two of my friends that I am out to in the car with me. We were getting ready to leave the parking lot of a Casey's after picking up pizzas when he saw me. I'm sitting in my car and he sticks his head through the open window and just asks and starts giving me a hard time. I was so shocked that he brought it up I didn't say anything about it. I changed the subject and told him that we had to get going. My friend Misty, who is straight and married thought he was being very rude and told me that she was thinking about leaning over and giving me a kiss on the cheek and grab hold of my hand at the same time. Just to really shock my brother, and he probably told my parents and they would have had a heart attack. I just tell my friends little by little and maybe some day my family will let my family know for sure.

[urnofosiris]

Hum, I suck at it. I made people play guessing games. In the past I have dropped hints here and there, pretty big ones at times, but then I would also say things to contradict what I was getting at.



In any case, everybody knows now, but I have said the big words myself a grand total of 3 times maybe, the rest of the time I made people guess and confirmed and asked them to spread the word, which really worked very well for me.



Most of this happening about 6 months ago.



Only positive reactions for me. I have been utterly lucky and I could kick myself for not having told sooner, or rather made em guess sooner.

[La]

I love reading everyones' stories. I'm so glad everyone is sharing. Good luck with your speech, Puff!

~La



You know you've been in Korea too long when you go to a "western" restaurant and can't seem to get the hang of using a knife and fork.

[Divine Princess Fuchsia]

My mother told my dad without me knowing. He forgot. Was really surprised when I told him. Everyone else was like "Yeah, and the news we DON'T know?" Went into school on my last day wearing a TShirt that said "Queer Spice", and got a surprisingly good response - all girls convent, you figure it out....



Kaite

[walker]

Oooh, I so pissed off my family with the way I came out. They had asked me if I was gay several times and I had always said no. My best friend is a guy and possesses all of the qualities I would like in my ideal partner so there was some confusion on my part. In short I really, really wanted it to work out with this guy but obviously as I'm gay it was never going to.



So my Mum started going on about some soap or other that she was watching with a gay character in it. Not the most subtle segue into "So are you gay?". So this time I said I was. I told her I wanted to tell my Dad myself. I took months building up the courage to do this which rightly annoyed my Mum. My Dad's her best friend. 1. She didn't want to keep something like this from him. 2. You always want to talk to your best friend when big stuff like this comes up.



Eventually I got round to telling my Dad. He was teaching me how to cook a red Thai curry and I said, "Dad, you know I'm gay don't you?". He said "Yes." I said, "Just checking.". There was a little more conversation after this but basically my Dad doesn't like to talk about it. He just wanted to make it clear that he loves me and is proud of me and that's not going to change.



I think both of my parents are disappointed that I'm gay. Which I accept is completely different than them being disappointed in me. I don't think that's made clear often enough my most parents.



The moment I knew I was fully accepted by them was when they started teasing me about my relationship. I don't know why but piss taking in my family is always a sign of acceptance. That's when you know that my parents like my sister's boyfriends too, they get the piss ripped.



I work in two places, at one I'm out, at the other I'm in. I'm in at one place of work because my sister works there and asked me to keep it hidden. I don't have a problem with this. In the other place I'm not so much out as I'm not in. I made no announcements but whenever we're talking about our partners I do not play the pronoun game. So I think everyone pretty much knows.

It's not like I'm a lesbian or anything. I'm attracted to the person. It's just that all the people I've been attracted to happen to be girls. - Tammy Metzler

[Sweetjane]

well , for me i'm in a half-way house of the coming-out thing . i mean , the first person i ever told was my best friend - we were both 16 and kinda drunk and we both admitted we had bi-tendancies . it really was great , i mean we both had felt gay for so long and then coming out to each other together at the same time was just the most reassuring thing . the rest kinda happended by accident , i started not being able to hide it , nor wanting to , so eventually my circle of frinds all knew - as it turned out they had all suspected that much for a while i didn't think i was that obvious - but it was great having girls - other than my guy best friend - being ok with it .



the real turn around for me was when i told my sister . i told her because we were alone in the house and a Christina Ricci film came on the TV . ( i kinda had a crush on her) i turned it off because i felt so unfortable as she had always commented on all the Miss Ricci films i watched .she said - no put it back on - and then i just said "oh you know i love christina Ricci . oh god , i'm gay" and that was it.



she freaked out because she really didn't have any idea , but shes been the central person helping come to terms with my sexuality - and it's been so great being able to just talk about it with her . the one thing i haven't done is come out to my parents . i mean i think my mother probably knows but just doesn't mention it , but if i do come out to her , there will be no going back for me , and i'm still not entirely comfortable with the whole thing myself , nevermind discussing it with my mother so shes knows i like to look at women - the same sex as her - in that way . also it's because i feel it's my PRIVATE life and really isn't their business . apart from the fact my dad wouldn't be alright with it at all - it's not like he would disown me - but ihe thinks it's kinda a disease and not REAL .



so until i have to tell them when i get into a relationship i care about , then i don't want to have to deal with that , so i keep my private life away from my parents as much as i can anyway - it's the way i am with them .



Sweetjane

"Say that health and wealth have missed me ,
but on my gravestone add; Jenny kissed me"

[Tiggrscorpio]

It took me a really long time to come out to myself, actually. I grew up in a very strict Catholic household, where the topic of sex was never discussed. I didn't know any gay people growing up and was never "exposed" (if you'll pardon the expression) to any gay "lifestyle." Imagine my surprise to find myself attracted to girls. It is also, for me personally, the reason I firmly believe that people are born gay and that it is not a choice.



I was in denial until I was 26. Dating men, trying to be "normal" and desperately unhappy. I really believed if I acted on my feeling towards women, I would be on a path straight to hell. One day I was driving and I was alone in my car and I said out loud, "You're gay!" I waited for the lightening bolts and rain of toads. Of course, nothing happened and that day I made my own peace with God. Later that week, I came out to my best friend at work. His reaction was, "Great!"



After that point, I was always out at work. Rainbow flag on my desk. Very proud. But, I still wasn't ready to come out to my family. I've always been a loner and again, sex and sexuality were not really open for discussion at home. A year later, I moved to NYC to live with my sister. I came out to her shortly after I moved in and got the very common response, "Yeah, I already knew." She was supportive in every way. I came out to my brothers a short time later, and they were also very receptive.



I still had not come out to my parents, though I would try to initiate converstations about gay-related news stories or television shows. Imagine my horror when I heard my father say, "those people have no honor." I wanted to cry.



I was dating someone and spent quite a bit of time editing our relationship, to my parents. My mother had begun to question my sister, rather relentlessly, about my sexual preference. But, she would not question me, directly. After my relationship ended, I was devastated. Since I had been editing so much of my life, with this woman, my parents couldn't understand why I was so upset. I decided it was time to finally tell them. I was 31.



I've always been closer to my mother than my father and expected her to take it better, especially given some of my father's statements. I went home for the weekend. It took until the night before I was going to leave to work up my courage. I actually packed my bags in case they decided to throw me out. It was a very emotional conversation. They were both very upset. My mother just sat there looking at me. My father shocked the hell out of me by coming over and giving me a hug. Mom did the same, after him.



For me, it was absolutely freeing. I never felt better about myself. For my parents, it was the beginning of "if I ignore this, maybe it will go away." Five years later and it still is difficult for them. I no longer edit anything and I continue to try to educate them about my community and about gay history. I know they love me because they tell so. More now, than they ever did when I was growing up.



Hope this helps and good luck with your speech, Puff!

*****

She's my everything!

[Isolde]

Well, I tried telling the parents I was bi and I don't think they really believed I was going to date a girl until round about second semester of college when I took a trip cross-country to meet a girl I'd been talking to online (who was a friend of a friend), and called them the week before I left to tell them where I was going, why, and that I wasn't bi - "Mum, I'm not bi - I'm gay"



At this point the any person who had ANY idea about me was my older brother because I'd mentioned the fact (okay, I literally said "I think I'm kinda gay") to him before I even left to go to college.



My Mum stopped talking to me and cried for a week.



My Dad was pissed off that I would go trecking cross-country without giving him further notice, but couldn't give a flip about my sexual orientation one way or the other.



My little bro was hilarious. I told him and his response was "Yeah, I kinda figured."



My older brother was more worried for my safety ("But, you don't know this girl!")



Fast forward to a few months later. I have a new girlfriend, and my parents know about her and have met her. I get stuff like this from my Mum: "Honey, your Dad and I are going out for a while tonight - why don't you invited your girlfriend over?" (My jaw drops to the ground) "Also, make sure you give her this Christmas present from me!"



So I basically have the coolest family EVER after they got used to the idea that I date women. My friends have been awesome, and only one person I know took it badly (ex-boyfriend - go figure).



I forgot to add: being out is the best thing I could have done. I just don't have time to edit my relationships and play the pronoun game. If someone has a problem with me, that's THEIR problem, not mine, and the people who are my close friends are my friends because they like my personality, and aren't concerned with who I date. Being out allows me to know who my real friends are, and lets me be myself.



Good luck, Puff!

Edited by: Isolde at: 4/18/02 9:14:47 am

[Oriyon]

Lets see I hate to do the everyone knew but me thing but that’s how it happened. I had just moved to No.VA and got a job in a chain of pet shops. As I was later told one of the managers at another store told his asst. manager that there was a dyke at the Annandale store. Danny being gay but not out at work had to hunt me out. What he didn’t know at that time was that I was a clueless wonder about my sexuality. Even the manager and asst where I worked knew. Well Danny and I hit it off, he took me into DC and down to Tracks and LaCageAux Follies… Tracks being a mixed bar (gays lesbians and straight people) and La Cag being a mens strip club and then there was the numerous drag shows. Once we hit Tracks a few times and hit their ladies night I told him that I thought I might be gay.



Of course I’ll never forget that night… July 4th on Capital hill watching the fireworksit was like all of DC was celebrating. After that we went to Phase 1.. seedy little hole-in-the-wall but one night in there and I was a happy camper. Then there was the Hung Jury and I was all set. By now I’m giving out my phone number and receiving calls at home and work. As I mentioned my managers knew about me and that was because one was gay and the other was bi and wanted to be my ‘first’. Was she mad when she found out months later that she was to late. But she and I did have a few office “meetings”…. hey I was enjoying the new found Debbie.



Of course there was the family thing … I’m the type of person that kinda keeps to themselves and when it comes to sharing I’m really bad about it especially to family. I never thought about telling them or not telling them. I didn’t really share that much with them. I lived with mom … hey I was a student when all this was going on …. And I remember her coming into my room and first telling me she had a question 1) she said all these women had been calling recently and 2) if I was gay she would be fine with that. I told her yes and that was it. She told my sister and Kathy was fine with it also … oh yeah her co-worker had already figured it out so she knew before mom. Mom went to a counselor with a few questions and she said that if bring home anyone to treat them as if I was bringing home a bf. Within a year mom had told all our relatives and nobody flinched. I even have the gong-ho cousin in AZ that wants me to have a commitment ceremony there. I guess I’m lucky I have an extremelly tolorant family, it helps that we lived in NYC most of our lives.



I do wish I would have known when I was in NY … my stomping grounds were Greenwich Village and now that I remember when I was 16 another co-worker took me to a bar there and it was a drag bar. At times I wonder what my world would be like if I knew then what everybody else was trying to tell me. Except for when I was in the Navy I have always been out and proud. You ask I’ll tell, even in the Navy I put the rainbow sticker on my car. I figure there are so many people out there that think don’t even know a gay person you need to let them know. Of course you have to make a judgment call.. I’m not going down to Roanoak VA ( Falwell country) waving my rainbow flag.

[tkheaven]

My story is similar to SlayerTazz in regards to the "no shit" response:

My parents are divorced so there was no telling my dad, hell I haven't seen him in years but that's another saga. Anyway, I was always pretty active in hs (joined softball). Things began to develop then. After having a crush on a good friend and later admitting it to her (while trying to process it myself) I slowly began to accept myself. We became good friends, she was very open minded about it. We used to walk around school arm in arm and on occasion give each other a “hug”. hehe I’d tell her, “Sandy, I need a hug” she’d respond (with a big smile) “No problem” oooohhh yeah..she knew those hugs made me feel *ahem* better (she was shorter but a bit bustier than me). She was so darn cute.

So on with my crushes…during that time I had developed a MAJOR crush on a teammate. I later realized that she felt the same for me and so we began the dating process. After a few months I decided to let my mom in on the news. So as we walked one day around town, I look at my mother and said, “Mom, umm, there’s something I kinda want to tell you but not sure how..well, you know how I talk about ‘Angel’…” . Cutting me off she continues, “Yeah, I know, Anabel” BOING I stop dead with confusion/shock, I don’t even know and respond, “Well, uhh, umm, wa-wasn’t I supposed to tell you that?” Apparently she knew and had picked up this outcome while I was very young. She was very supportive. I thought about it for a while and figured, “Well, she does work at a beauty salon…”

My grandma, though, was a little different. My mom, my gf (at the time) and I were at my grandma’s house. Of course by this time mom was more than cool about me. Well, while mom and grams were talking, the gf and I would exchange glances and touch here and there. There’s a dividing wall between the kitchen and the living room (where the moms were) and we slowly went out of view into the kitchen, exchanging a few more touches. WELL, when mom and I got home, my mom and I had a talk..it went a little like this: “Katy, you and Val really need to be careful when you’re at grandma’s house” “Why, what happened?” “Well, she asked me what Val was doing grabbing…your, uhh, tit..” “EH??, WHAT??” was my reaction..”Sweetie, did you forget that the glass balcony doors have a very clear reflection of the kitchen?” I turned beet-red. I crack up thinking about it now.

Time went by and eventually granny came around. She loves me for who I am and she tells me so, she loves my gf now like her own granddaughter. My granny’s spunky. Gotta love her.

As for the rest of my family, they’re all ok with it. They also accepted my gf like part of the family.

My sister.. *giggle* she also took it well…after fessing that she was also gay…funny thing. I learned that: mom had her moments living with a woman, dad had his experience, and yeah, my older sister (by 5 years) has her lover….at this point grandma thinks she is never going to get to be a great-grandmother from this side of the family. I just look at her..”Grams, you know we love you…we could always adopt”

-----------------------------
"Hey Will, this is me. It doesn't all have to be good and fine. This is the room where you don't have to be brave. I still love you. If you're worried, you can be worried."

- Tara to Willow ~~ Episode 603: "Afterlife"

[Puff]

I just want to thank everyone so far for your stories I am finding it incredibly helpful. Hell some of them are damn right inspiring and I wish my family reacted that way. Please keep them going.

-----------------------
You know, it's a real deal relationship and that's why people can relate to it
Amber Benson

[specialk]

In high school, I was in a closet relationship for a year and my partner didn't want to tell anyone. My best friend for like 8 years was moving and I really wanted to tell her before she left. I told her and she acted fine but that night when I called her she yelled at me for an hour. She was so mad at me for keeping it from her that she almost ended our friendship. Three days later she forgave me and she said one of the reasons she was so mad was because she wanted to be with me, which totally freaked me out. I ended up breaking up with my gf because of my best friend and the whole siuation was really stupid, and now my "best friend" and I aren't really that close anymore. so the point of this is be honest with your friends and don't get involved with your best friend because things will never be the same

[Aduka]

have enjoyed reading everyone's stories,hope you speech goes well Puff(me and speeches dont mix).



Anyways, I've known Im lesbian since I was a little kid,never had any problem with it myself and I never thought my family did either(coming as I did from a relaxed background). Boy was I wrong



Since starting college in 95 I struggled with hiding who I really was to my parents,afraid that if they found out they'd hate me,it took a huge toll on my school work. My friends knew and didn't really care,except for one girl you just cut me off after we'd been friends for 6 years. That hurt but I took it in stride and tried to enlist their help in case something went wrong with coming out to my parents(at the time I thought my parents wouldn't take it that bad).



I was outed in Nov of 1998 by my mom,who found a copy of the Advocate under my bed(what she was doing under my bed is beyond me to this day!). She confronted me over dinner one night(after my dad had left for his evening computer class) and at first I was flip and said "so what". After oh like 2 min I knew Id better come clean,it wasn killing me to lie about myself to my parents(wed always had a close relationship). Once I said "yes I am" my mom lost it,she started yelling at me,tried to beat me up and even chased me around the house with a butcher knife. Fortunatly I called my godparents on my cell phone(from inside my locked bathroom) and my friend Erin who picked me up 10 min later. I grabbed my backpack,a change of work clothes and my school books and hid in the neighbors bushes til she showed up. My dad btw was on his way home from his class bc my mom had said that i was a threat and beating her up!! my dad has a hella bad temper and I didnt want to run into him given what had all ready happned.



The next morning I went to work,quit my job(brand new too and went to live with my godparents two towns away;at first they where very helpfull and supportive. Since both of them worked full time and lived in a semi rurual area I was alone for most of the day,all week long for weeks on end;my friends sort of bailed on me and the local pflag chapter was an hour away by car(which I didnt have one of my own).



During those weeks I came to terms with what had happned and tried to get myself back to life,I didn;t speak to my parents till December of that year and didnt see them till Jan of 99. Just when I was getting my life back together(had a full time job,making friends) my godmother forced me to move out of there house because her father was coming to stay(and hes very homophobic),so I got the rug yanked out from under my feet for the second time in under 5 months.



Somehow I managed to move back in with my parents(it was either that or stay in a homeless shelter),life was not easy. They where in totall denial and tried to foce me to go back into the closet,but it didnt work. I dug in and made freinds,worked and finially went back to school.



Now three years later I have a gf whom my parents grudelying accept,again it was either live with them,stay in a homeless shelter or split up(which was not an option). We've been with them for a year and its been hell,we're making plans to move out of state(cause the rent around here in Cali is so expensive) and start our own life together away from my parents crud.



I wish my parents would accept me but when and if they do that is as always on there terms,till than its "out of sight out of mind", we have to introduce each other as friends to my parents friends(which is laughble cause on the sly those friends know and accept us Nothing glbt can be discussed in the house and we basically banned from joining any glbt groups. But I don't hate my parents,I only hate how they've treated me and my gf and I do hold out hope that someday they'll accept me for who I am.



-Sarah

you don't have to be old to be wise, the bird dosen't wait till he dies to fly. And emptiness is not for me.
-Angelique Kidjo

[Enigmatic]

Hi Sarah...love your name



Okay...I'm losing it...

--Er du måske læge??--

[tommo]

Eh, I was never in, love.

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No metaphors...just fucking.