How do you know?

[Nephele]

Hey guys...

I'm hoping you'll let me vent a little bit of sadness here. At this moment I'm a little lonely and rather discouraged. So I could use a little cheering up. Please?

Abuse is a very ugly word. And when you put a "d" on the end it becomes even uglier. To me it means the woman (or the man but it's almost always the woman in the Lifetime movies) is an anti-feminist moron who stays with her husband even though he hits her twice a week or some such. I know that's not real but that's how it feels to me.

I'm outa it now. (And to be clear in my case it wasn't physical. It was just a lotta yelling. The death threat was when I made plans to leave. When I told her I was leaving, she said I knew she hadn't meant it and I said yes I didn't think you would. But the truth was that there was a death threat and as someone who doesn't wanna die I had to treat it seriously. Even though I didn't believe the threat I still didn't wanna end a fucking stat.)

So I'm outa that. I've been outa it for almost two years. The guilt for leaving her has almost dissipated. But I'm still scared (not of her). I'm scared to make friends. I'm scared to try to date again. I'm eefing sobbing now. Sorry.

So does anyone have any encouragement? Any cheering up?

Thx

[KioNewgo]

First of all, *Hugs*.
You've taken the first step, which is always the hardest. Well done.
My advice...take everyday as it comes. Concerntrate on yourself and have a little 'me' time.
When you're ready, start again. Maybe join a club or start a new hobby that'll bring you together with other people. Is there something you've always wanted to try, like fencing or dance for examply, but never gotten round to it? Or maybe somewhere you've always wanted to go?
Do everything at your pace.
Oh, and something that always cheers me up, no matter what? The little things, like how green the grass looks outside, or watching the clouds float across the sky. Maybe weird, but it always make me smile.
I'm not good at the pep-talk thing, ><. However!! Whenever you're feeling down, or want to talk, or anything, I think I speak for everyone here when I say there will always be a Kitten available.
Good luck and well done, just for having the strength and courage to do what's right for you.
*more hugs!*

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Your relationship sounds a bit like my parents' marriage before they split up 9 years ago. In my opinion my father was extremely abusive toward my mom; he never hit, but he yelled all the time, he was loud and scary and angry, and he tried to manipulate and control her and largely ruined her sense of self. She finally started doing what she wanted to do and he hated it, their marriage got worse than ever and finally my mom ended it. My mom has never labeled herself as a victim of abuse, but I do. I think emotional and mental abuse is at least as harmful as the physical. My mom is so strong now and has an amazing life. She learned how to make herself a priority again, after close to two decades of putting my dad, my brother, and I first. She found herself again, and I believe you can too, but it does take time. My mom had about a year of being barely functional after she and my dad split up, but she got through. To be fair she did have one good friend to help her get through it, but like KioNewgo said you can always find support here. My mom is the strongest person I know, because we all lose ourselves sometimes, whether it's by letting someone take advantage of us or giving up the things that matter most in our hearts or working so hard toward dreams you forget why you had them in the first place or a million other reasons, but she found herself again. She found herself and built an amazing new life, and I think you can too, you just have to find the strength inside yourself and remember who you are.

[Ariel]

Hey, Sister!

I'm hoping that things have gotten a lot better since that post.

I once (and only once) had a physical fight with a lover. She said horrible things to me then followed that up with hitting me. I will always regret that I punched back and didn't simply get up and leave. Fortunately I knew enough to end it. I found out from another of her exes that physical abuse was a pattern; she'd done it to the other ex and to a pet cat they'd owned together.

I left her and never looked back. It was horrible being a part of that nasty energy. I am glad to say that there has never been another incident like that in my entire life.

The bottom line is that you did THE RIGHT THING in taking care of yourself. It's hard to do that, but you found the courage and strength to respect yourself and protect yourself. There's a great book, The Gift of Fear which outlines abusive relationships pretty clearly, both physical and emotional types of abuse.

Anyway, GOOD JOB in respecting yourself and acting for yourself. I hope and believe that things are better . . . let us know if you want to.

Ariel
How I Met Your Mother