Unlike most confused teenagers though, I am NOT worried about my sexuality. I know I'm primarily homosexual, but I am occasionaly attracted to guys as well (in other words, somewhere between homosexual and bisexual - I believe the technical term for this is homoflexible, correct?) Not that I'm too concered about labels, but it's good to know 'what' I am and what I'm attracted to (in terms of sexuality).
What I am worried about is love, and happiness.
Yes, I know at 14 I am too young to be worrying about love, I have my whole life yet to find my soul-mate, but I need to sort out my feelings now, because... well, you'll see.
First of all, a few things you need to know about me...
I have Asperger Syndrome (very mild autism), as well as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and a few other 'labels', which primarily means that although I have difficulty understanding other people, and they have difficulty understanding me - not because of speech; I can talk perfectly well, but my brain just works slightly differently to what is 'normal'. Because of this I found school incredibly stressful, so I'm now being home tutored, and I'm now much happier. I wont pretent to feel all sorry for myself; I have a really good life. However, since leaving school many of my ex-friends have turned on me, out of jealousy I presume, and have been attacking me through emails etc and have even started their own forum where they can bitch about me, which I stumbled accross and was greatly hurt by, as you can imagine. It's more or less all died down now, it was just supid immature teenage gossip which didn't bother me too much, but I am incredibly lonely now. I can count my remaining friends on one hand.
Secondly, I am very mature for my age - or so I have been told. The mere fact that I'm writing this long rambling post, rather than just "i av a prblm plz hlp me", would seem to indicate that I am not an average 14 year old. I suppose my mental age is somewhere around 16, maybe more (but don't worry, I very much intend to stay a virgin until I am actually 16, thankyou very much, I'm not going to use my maturity as an excuse for behaving like a stupid teenager! No offense to any other teenagers here).
Right, on with the 'problem'...
I have a male friend - Toby - who I have literally known my whole life. Our mothers met eachother at maternity class when they were pregnant with us, which should give you some idea of how young we were when we first met eachother! We've grown up together, so we're obviously very close. It began as a brotherly/sisterly relationship, but turned into something more. After about a year of flirting, from both of us, he asked me out and we became a couple, for a few months.
We then started drifting apart - I think we were both just having a difficult time with hormones - which ended with a big argument, where he said I was being too clingy but not nice enough to him, and I said he wasn't acting like himself any more, he was basically being a stupid teenager, he wasn't the Toby I knew and loved. We didn't speak for months after that - I tried to contact him to apologise (even though I felt that what I said was completely justified), but he blocked me. I then found out that he'd joined the forum that I mentioned earlier - the one with all the horrible stuff about me - and although he didn't post much and never actually said anything bad about me on there, I viewed this as the ultimate act of betrayal.
Someone said to me 'don't let this upset you, that's just what he wants', to which I replied 'this doesn't upset me, but the mere fact that he wants to upset me, does'. I think that sums it up - it was a stupid immature fight, and he obviously wanted to hurt me, but that's why it hurt so much.
Anyway, after many months of me crying and generally being miserable, I started to get over it, but then he contacted me again. He apologised -although not sincerly enough, in my opinion - and we talked it all through, and came to some sort of truce. Since then we have spoken occasionaly on MSN, but it's been arkward and painful. I really want the happy, relaxed friendship that we had before, so I think I should speak to him face to face, work out exactly how we feel about eachother, so we can move past this... but I don't know what to say.
I definitely still love him as a friend, and want him back in my life - he was the best friend I ever had - and that's far more important than dating. On the other hand, I definitely still fancy him, so I can't honestly say that there's no chance of us getting back together. I don't want to risk my friendship with him, I already lost him once, but I think I'm in love with him romantically as well, and if so I don't want to waste that - after all, what can be better than having an 'other half' who is also your best friend?
All this is complicated further by the fact that I have crushes on several girls at the moment, and Toby doesn't know I like girls (it's been hard enough just to have a normal conversation with him), although I can't imagine he's homophobic, but he may be jealous. I also can't help but feel that I would be happier in a relationship with a girl, because as I said, I have enough trouble understanding any other humans, teenage boys are a complete puzzle to me, and the cause of lots of heartache!
There's Rachel, who was my best friend at school, and definitely the second best friend I've ever had (after Toby), she's caring, loving, a bit shy but loyal to me, and she understands and helps with the problems I have socially. Although she was part of the 'forum wars' incident, we've talked it through and we're good friends again now. I'm not sure if I fancy her, but I do love her. She knows I like girls and isn't bothered by that, but says she's not interested in girls romantically herself - in fact she's not even interested in boys yet, her hormones are taking a while to catch up to her (lucky thing!)
Next there's a girl who I met online but have met in real life several times since then, and we get along wonderfully. She makes me feel special whenever I talk to her. She's just a bit older than me - nearly 17 - which is perfect, because she's past the stupid immature teenager phase. We're very open to eachother about sexuality, and I think she's bisexual herself, but she has a boyfriend who she's been with 3 years, so that's pretty serious, I can't imagine I'd have a shot with her.
And lastly there's a collage student who one of my teachers introduced me to - it's a special part of my home tuition, she's going to take me out each week so that I don't get stuck in the house all the time. I've only met her once so far but we get along brilliantly, even though I have a huge crush on her - there's no arkwardness, it's fun and easy to talk to her and I get butterflies in my stomach whenever I think about her. Plus, she looks exactly like Eliza Dushku
it's an uncanny resemblence! She's 21, so I can't see her actually dating me, but I can dream, right?
Actually, that's pretty much all of my friends (I have lots of wonderful online friends
but I'm talking strictly about people I have physically met) - though I can think of a few people I don't fancy! 
It's these bloody hormones, they make me fancy everyone! 
So what I need to do is work out what's real, and what's just a crush, what to act on, who to focus on, what scenario would make me happiest, and what to tell Toby. I honestly don't know the answer to any of those questions, I'm tying my head in knots just thinking about it, which is worrying because I'm usually very self-aware and in tune with my emotions.
Help, please?
Told you it would be long!
