Begging for Advice

[Tarafied4Life]

Hi, all. In a bit (okay, a lot) of a pickle, and hoping some Kittens can help me out:

One of my oldest and dearest friends asked me out yesterday, and I really don't know how to answer her.

A little bit of background on me to explain why this is such a pickle:

In my 20 years, I've been on three dates, all with guys, all set up by other people. None of them ever went anywhere. I'm painfully shy and stutter badly (picture Tara times 100), and it makes it very hard for me to meet people. I've never really defined myself on the gay/straight/bi spectrum, and I'm really not sure what I am or what I may or may not feel for this girl.

The problem is this: I'm so scared of messing up what I have with my friend - I've known her almost my whole life, and I can picture this going wrong in so many ways. What if I do go out with her and decide I don't want to date girls and I don't go out with her again and she hates me? What if I do enjoy it but we break up and she never talks to me again? I just want us to be able to be friends, no matter what else happens.

I'm probably babbling, so I'll stop, but I'm just wondering if anyone could offer some advice. This is new territory for me, and I feel like I'm walking through a minefield. A post here, or a PM or an email is all fine, I'd just really appreciate anything anyone could offer - I'm putting off answering her until I have some time to think.

Heather

[tarawhipped]

Heather, I completely understand your fears. It's a tough situation. One thing you didn't mention in your post is how you feel about her. Questioning your sexuality aside, are you at all attracted to her? If not, don't try to manufacture feelings to make her happy, just let her down as gently as possible. If you do feel something for her and want to pursue it, I'd say just be honest with her about your feelings/doubts/fear of losing her friendship more than anything. If she's as good a friend as she sounds, she'll understand.

Good luck!

-Cam

[LtSticks]

I'm in agreement with Cam, don't try to force yourself into a relationship if you don't feel attracted to her, ultimately both of you would get hurt.

~Emma

[JustSkipIt]

Heather,
I totally agree with Cam with one addition. It sounds like you are very close with your friend. I would be honest with her. Let her know that you don't know what to say. You think you might be interested but you're scared to ruin your friendship. Then trust her a little to "get you."

[Tarafied4Life]

Thank you so much, all, for the advice. I think I'm attracted to her, but it's all so mixed up - she's my best friend, and I've never thought of her that way before. I don't know if I can express this right, but I think I'm almost scared to look at her that way, because I don't know if I'll be able to look at her as my friend again if that happens.

I think I'll take the advice I've been given, though, and talk to her about this, and see where things go from there. Thank you guys so much, all of you, for helping me get a little more perspective on this - I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

Heather

[LtSticks]

I don't know if I can express this right, but I think I'm almost scared to look at her that way, because I don't know if I'll be able to look at her as my friend again if that happens.

I definitely can relate to that worry, I think a lot of people can, because it can be the same in a lot of situations where you get involved with friends. I think the best relationships are when partners/lovers/whatever you want to call them (LOL) keep that friendship alive and never forget that, whilst they continue to get closer. Does that make any sense?

~Emma

[Tarafied4Life]

Emma:

Makes perfect sense to me. My mom used to have a beautiful cross-stitch she did that hung above her bed that read "happiness is being married to your best friend." (of course that was before a rather ugly divorce and custody battle, but that's beside the point ) I love the sentiment, and I think you're right - those are the best relationships - I just don't want her, should anything happen between us, just to be my ex and not my friend; that's what scares me.

But I finally bit the bullet and talked to her about all this, which quickly became an all-night conversation. We're going to do our level best not to let this affect our friendship, and she's going to take me out on a date Wednesday night. I'm so beyond nervous - I can barely stammer out a sentence at the best of times, and I have a feeling any attempt at conversation is going to be me spitting all over her, but I'm going to try. And the nice part is, she already knows how bad my stutter is, so at least she can wear a raincoat or something. Wish me luck, and thanks so much again for all the wonderful advice - I was really at my wit's end.

Heather

[WebWarlock]

Heather,

I can also relate. My best friend and I started dating after we left college. During college we were inseparable, it was only after we put 300 miles between us we realized that we needed to be together. Of course there was the awkward “if we screw this up we screw up a perfectly fantastic friendship” stage. But in the end we knew our choice to be together was the right one. It’s been right now for 12+ years (10+ of them married).

Lots of luck!

Warlock

[JustSkipIt]

Heather,
I just wanted to say that I feel really happy and impressed and proud of you. I'm sure that that conversation was very scary to you (and to her too) and can see that you're worried about the date and your friendship too. But you did it anyway! That's so great. I mean you and she talked and it sounds like she understands how you feel. It's pretty obvious to me that she understands who you are and isn't going to try and make you be different. She knows you're shy and that you stutter but she still wants to go out with you. So go you! I hope it all goes wonderfully.

[Tarafied4Life]

Of course there was the awkward “if we screw this up we screw up a perfectly fantastic friendship” stage.

Exactly! That's what I'm afraid this first date might be like - awkward. But I'm going to try my best to put all that aside. Thank You for the good luck wishes - and congratulations, as well - 10 years married? That's so wonderful!

JustSkipIt - Thanks so much! I'm still not sure how she made it through that conversation - it was taking me almost five minutes a sentence, I think - but it was so great to get our thoughts and fears out in the open, and it was something we both needed to do before we could move forward. Thanks so much for the well wishes!

Heather