How soon is TOO soon?

[LtSticks]

This is regarding relationships and what is classed as too soon to make BIG decisions in them.

I'm asking because a friend of mine is in a relationship with her gf, and they've been together for about 1 month, and they've gotten engaged.

And I really feel like they're rushing into things, I know others have warned them about it, but I kinda need some advice on how to handle this.

Is it too soon? I felt it was, I waited a long time before asking my ex, and even then it crashed and burned, and obviously I don't want my friend (or her gf for that matter) to end up as hurt as I was.

Any comments on this would be mega appreciated

~Emma

[JustSkipIt]

Hey there,
I have to say it's a really hard call. I mean generally when I hear about people making big decisions: marriage, moving in together, etc. very quickly I get kind of "geez, what's up with that?" I have a friend who met a woman, fell in love, sold her house, moved in with her partner, and went to Massachussets to get married before they'd been together 10 months. And I was like, what is she thinking? I think it's really easy to look at other people's relationships and think they're doing crazy stuff.

On the other hand, I met my partner at a party (we were set up), we talked for a few minutes. Then we talked on the phone a few times before our first date. Within a week of our first date, I knew she was the woman I'd spend my life with. We've been together 6 years and have a 21 month old son together. So even though I scoff at other people, I have to admit that I've had that very fast, "you just know" thing.

But being concerned about your friend is a very real feeling. My question to you is do you think it will harm your friend to move quickly? Do you see any glaring holes in your friend's gf's character? Are there activities or behaviors that your friend is doing that she didn't do before and that you attribute to the new gf? I'd say that the best thing you can do is be a good friend no matter what. If you can get your friend alone, you can ask her, "why move so fast?" Or even ask her to tell you what she thinks is so fantastic about her new gf (not in a challenging way, just curious). I think the most important thing is that you are supportive and honest with your friend.

Hope this helped. Debra

[LesbianJedi87]

omg I so know what that's like! One month into the relationship and my gf wants to move out here...in the middle of no where!!! Who says California's all about the glitz and glamour??

Well if it were me Id just tell your friend to cool her jets, enagement is a big thing, but getting married is even bigger. But if they really really love eachother it wouldnt be right to get in the way of that...but still...engagement at one month? Jeez!

[LtSticks]

LOL that was my reaction Rose. I love my friend dearly, but to be honest...she's naive as hell. Which isnt always a bad thing, but she has been the kind of person that will just rush into things without any thoughts as to the consequences, and we, the friends, have had to be there when it all falls apart. And, don't get me wrong, we'd do that, but it's like she doesn't understand that we have lives too. Even worse is that right now, she and said gf are using my flatmates room to stay in for days at a time, despite the fact that they both have houses of their own (I'm wondering what the deal is about that) and to be honest it's getting on a lot of people's nerves, I've been unable to sleep a lot of the time, and this is at a time when I have college assignments and the like, so due to the stress and all, I haven't been in the best frame of mind to process all of this, hence the asking for advice.

I was thinking about what you were saying about character, Debra. To be honest I think both of them have big heaving holes, the gf seems to be rather too nonchalant about this whole engagement deal, and ever since they've been together, said friend has been fairly disrespectful to people she's been friends with for years (kicking a flatmate out of his room to um, you know, even though its not her house is one example).

I was worried it was going to head toward an intervention because I know she is doing a good job of annoying a lot of people. Yet I know she is at least somewhat happy and I dont want to kinda pee on her parade so to speak.

[Emms]

I guess it all depends on the couple. My wife and I knew after the first night that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. She flew from Pittsburgh to Oregon after two weeks of long-distance phone conversation and we've been together ever since. We've been together for 6 years and are more in love with each other than the day we first met....

In my opinion these things have a way of working themselves out. You are right for being concerned about your friend; you wouldn't be a good friend if you weren't concerned, but people have to live their own lives and make their own mistakes. (if it is a mistake) That's how we learn and grow as individuals--by no longer being complacent to make the same mistakes we've already made.

the best of luck to your friend and to you.

xoxo
Emms

[Insanity]

Okay... lemme say something.

My gf and I we are together for over 9 years now and we're planning to marry next year. But not the point. The point is: nobody had given a damn to our relationship. Nobody believed it would last. And now we have outlasted all the other "happy couples"

I'll be honest, back when I met her I didn't plan on something for the rest of my life. It just happend.

Insanity

EDA: BTW I just saw your new ashvatar Debra. He's georgeos!!! I hope I didn't miss one, I wasn't on the board for nearly a month due to work...

[Lindelaure]

Well, I think it's hard to say if your friend is thinking straight(or so to speak) or it's an impulse. I'd say it's too soon, since she got all her friends, including you, worried, and she's been know to rush into things without giving much thought. But if she's adamant and really wants to go ahead with the engagement, I don't think there's much you or anyone can do to change her mind and maybe she'll learn with her mistake afterwards. Or maybe they can be really happy togheter like it was the case of some people here. I think it's the kind of thing you have to wait and see and be supportive no matter what

[InvertedCommas]

I can't give advice on this issue, so much as lend examples for you to perhaps gain knowledge on.

First example: My brother met his now wife less than 6 months before marrying her. I think this was about 2 years ago, and they're now expecting their first kid together.

Second example: My stepdad met this woman online. He was here in England, she was there in Kansas. Went out to meet her over the Christmas period. Came back News Years day announcing he was upping sticks and moving out there. Gave up his life, good job with excellent pay, etc. Was out there by April, Married by June. Granted this was abouuuut 4 years ago in April? But, personal effects this situation had on me make me somewhat blind to the fact that perhaps he's happy out there, coz, hey, he's not come back yet. Though now he's working in jobs that are paying about half of what he was getting over here, he's now living in the middle of nowhere with at least a mile between him and his neighbours, and despite having a close relationship when he was here, I've not spoken to him in about two years, but, again, my personal issue.

There's also a possible age thing though. My brother was in his mid 20's, his wife, mid/late 30's. My stepdad late 40's, his wife mid 60's (19 year age gap...). I've known many of my peers (19-early 20's) to have gotten engaged then the relationship dissipating after a couple of months. As with anything it could just be circumstantial.

But at the end of the day, if that person is the person you're gonna spend the rest of your life with, where's the rush to get engaged/married/whatever? Sure, it adds a degree of binding commitment, but so easily that bind is broken these days. The biggest and strongest bind is the love.