by fairydust » Sat Jul 09, 2005 12:26 am
I just recently fought an addiction to methamphetamines, it's been about 2 months almost since I've gotten spun, but it's still on my mind a lot. One of my close friends became a drug dealer (thanks to her boyfriend) and after supporting both her habit and mine I ran out of money and was forced into recovery. Isaac (her bf) was caught in a deal but even that didnt stop them, and because of the two of them, i was introduced to a larger world of drugs. Now that they are both in NA, we have all sort of worked together to stay clean. I also have a best friend who is a cop, and Im also in love with her (she knows by the way) and the only way to give us a chance is to stay clean.
One of my sisters was also addicted to meth, but she got thru it on her own (no easy task) and now she has her own business, 2 kids, a house, and a near perfect life (if it werent for her alcoholic husband)
She has been my inspiration in working thru all this, but its also hard because the whole family knows and is so proud of her for rising above everything. But only my 3 sisters and my brother know about my own addictions and recovery and struggles, and its painful to listen to my family praise my sister, but say nothing to me, even though they have no idea.
Ive lost a few important people in my life, and i've hurt more than a few. And its all starting to set in now. But my larger problem is that i am very addicted to alcohol. I know im 19 and that this is the time im supposed to be having fun, but ive taken it to the next level.
I calculated it out the other day, and since early last september to this very moment, ive had two sober days...sober as in, no weed, no booze, no meth...2 whole days in over 10 months. It's kind of depressing, but Im almost proud of my "acomplishment." Right now I'm having a beer, but if i were with my friends on the canoe trip right now, i'd be drunk and high. And tomorrow I would have done mushrooms... But I fucked things up with my parents and stayed home this weekend, probably the best plan.
Because of the booze and drugs, I've slept with certain people that I didnt mean to sleep with, and in a way, I whored myself out for drugs. I met random people in clubs and got freaky with em on the dance floor, I danced on a stage (and if you know me, youd know thats very uncharacteristic), I've slept with almost every one of my friends, I was almost attacked by a man i met at a party. Dude got me in his car some how and wouldnt let me out till i made out with him. This night, if you would have asked me my name, I would not have been able to tell you. Thankfully i was in there long enough to sober up and push him off me and get out of the car, but I ended up with bruises after that, and i've been more than a little paranoid about certain men i come into contact with.
I worked at a green house this year; tuesday thru fridays from 8am - 5pm, staurdays from 8am - 4pm, sundays from 10am - 4pm, and on mondays I babysat for my sister. One week, i didnt have to babysit, and I was with a friend, and she went to a sober school for our last 2 years of highschool because of an addiction to meth, and she graduated and has been completely clean. But one day we were driving around, and it was a sunday, my sister told me she didnt need me the next day and so my friend and i were open to do anything. We started talking about previous experiences while we were tweaking (high on meth); I hadnt done it for about 3 months, and she had been clean for 9...but the more we talked about it, the more we felt like we were on it, and the more we wanted to be on it...So, we made a couple phone calls and ended up at a friends apartment and smoked up for the next 12 hours. Between her and I, we went thru about 3 grams...for those of you who are lucky enough to be naive about all this, thats a lot...its about $300, and it would last any rookie or recreational user about a week or more. Jess called in sick to her job the next afternoon, and she and I left and went to her house and sat in her garage and smoked out of a lightbulb, and then that night she had to go to work until 10pm. Afterwards, she picked me up, and we went back to the apartment, and got more, and for the next 2 weeks thats all we did...I went to work at the green house 6 days in a row on no sleep and spun out of my mind. The messed up thing is that my boss was a family friend.
But on all my breaks and whenever I needed a pick-me-up, I went to the bathroom to do another line. And then I started a routine with Xtina and Isaac...I drove to her house on my lunch break, they got me high, I left my pz with them (glass pipe to smoke meth out of) and then after work, i picked it up, we got high, and the next day it was the same thing.
It was very hard for me, because I have this inability to say no, expecially when xtina was in trouble with her supplier, I gave her more money to get her outa the jam...But my best friend Bre (the cop) got very mad at me when she found out about what was going on, and shes more important to me than anyone in this world, so I cleaned myself up. She doesnt get mad about the alcoholism thing, she blames herself for that.
Lastyear after I broke up with my gf, I went to Breana's to break down, and we went out and got drunk and partied, and thats what I've been doing to cover up my pain about everything that hurts. I got over the break up fairly easily...at least i think so...i honestly dont remember anything that happened in the last 10 months. The drinking also brings me out of my shell completely...Im normally a very shy person, but when Im drunk, Im flirty and I love everyone. One night, my friend Dave even wrote on my forehead "Tonight I'm going to bed with..." and he drew arrows going in every direction...Ive built up quite a reputation.
My sister always tells me 2 things about drugs; #1 "use them, dont abuse them"; #2 "give them up for yourself, not for anyone else"
Ive had troubles with each...#1 - whenever I use something and like it, I abuse the hell out of it, #2 - I gave it up for Breana...but when Im drunk i forget about that, and also when im going thru a particularly rough spot, i say "to hell with it all, get me high"
The only reason I havent gotten stoned lately is because I have to take a drug test soon for a job...but I honestly dont see a problem in mary jane.
Breana knows that I can't lie, especially to her, and now at the end of every week shes decided to ask me if ive done anything - meaning anything of the drug variety - and thats kind of helped me...i will do anything to keep her in my life, and drugs are the best way to push her out...
My sisters have talked to me about going to AA, but i dont want to. Im not at a point yet where I feel like giving this life up...for one, i have a ton of fun with my friends...just click the link to my photo album down there in my sig...and I havent hurt anyone...maybe 1 or 2...but not maliciously or deliberately...
Anyway, I realize this is long, and I apologize, its just that I really have no one to talk to about all this who will just listen, and once I started to write about it, it just kept coming. The biggest thing that worries me right now is that i have a friend who loves acid, and a friend who loves shrooms. Ive done neither, but i know i will. Im still a baby as far as the world of drugs go...ive currently only tried meth, coke, weed, and alcohol...but alcohol is a gift of god as far as im concerned. And as far as the world of booze goes, im a veteran...I could drink most people under the table, and i have...but ive also drank myself into situations that i normally wouldnt while sober.
So, i guess after all this crap, i just wanna say that I am always willing to listen to anyone who is going thru anything similar. I would love to have someone besides my sisters and friends to talk to about this, so if theres anyone out there willing to lend an ear, or someone who just needs someone to listen, just drop a line.
Peace Out
