When did you know

[Hanki]

eliza dushku made me gay, lol. i swear, looking back, that she is the first woman i had a crush on that i would admit to. and that was seaosn three of buffy so that would make me... 12/13 it was a couple of years ago anyways (i'm 15 now, nearly 16.)



Even though i had crushes on girls then i insisted to myself that i was just bi and not gay but it was willow and tara that finally made me realise that there was nothing wrong with me as so many people would have me believe and i came out to my friends, was generally accepted, all was good up to the earth shattering break up with my ex girlfriend but that's another story entirely...

~ Han ~

Ravenshill ~ an original web series, a group of teen witches fight evil in an English town.

[Mrs Vertigo]

I was 13 and a half when I figured it out. That’s waay too young to be sure of anything. Bleh.



I was always the tomboy… the playing-out-in-the-mud, trashing my clothes, competing for the pretty girl’s attention and getting regularly punished for fighting kind of tomboy. I really hated myself then. Never wanted to be a boy yet seemed like I did.



Then the usual ‘crush on a straight’ story, and the accidental realization dawning on me that ‘hey, I’m not a guy, I’m just gay! Yay me! Just gay! Oh, ye- uh, er, gay? Oh, good god. Crap.” Which happened, how conveniently, in the shower, where no one could see me topple over with shock and hit my poor buzzing head on the tap. It was such a relief, really, once the initial ‘holy shit’ effect wore off. Things fell into place.

---
“You know, if you weren’t such a bitch-queen from hell you and I would’ve gotten along just fine...” – Me making with the friendly at Glory, in a dream where I was Buffy and she was crucifying me.

[slowontheuptake]

Kelly Martin! God me too. I crushed on her back when she was in 'Life Goes On'. I'm younger than her by about five years and she was young on that show. Of course I didn't know why I liked her so much.

There was no immediate epiphany for me just a slow realization. I just knew I was different for a long time.

I remember there were two girls my age that were in my school from kindergarden through high school. They were designated popular. One, I'll call Cordy, which is increadibly accurate concidering looks (tall, curvy, beautiful, brunette) if not personality. Ever boy wanted her. I had a painful crush on her friend. I'll call her Willow. Short, expressive face absolutly stunning and very nice. Kindergarden through middle school I didn't know it was a crush. I just knew I wanted to be near her.

I remember I was at a b-day party and there was a scavenger hunt and I knocked on a door to ask for somthing on the list an she opened the door. I wanted to cry she was so lovely. Looking back, that was my first incling of my sexuality. I was probably twelve. It took another five years for me to admit it to myself.

I still wonder if I'll see her somplace someday and still feel totaly inadequate.

Three cheers for lifelong angst!

Buffy: Let's face it: none of us are ever gonna have a happy, normal
relationship.

Xander: We're doomed!

Willow: Yeah!

[slayer747]

Quote:

---

It took another five years for me to admit it to myself.

---

yup, i guess that is how it works for us, it's like we've known all along but deny it... hard world, isn't it?

------------
"Sometimes things happen between people that you don't really expect. And sometimes the things that are important are the ones that seem the weirdest or the most wrong, and those are the ones that change your life." - Jessie "Once and Again"

[PunkNerd]

Well im in the phase of trying to admit that i'm bi . The earliest sign was me and my gal pal sneaking out of class when we were in 3rd/4th grade, and i kissed her, and she surprisingly kissed me back! i didnt think it was a big deal cuz i was just 9, and knew nothing about lesbianism. Than theres those times where my friends and i would play "power rangers" and id always wanted to be the green ranger cuz i wanted to be in love with the grl who was the pink ranger. Lets just say i played the role very well! hehe

[tarawillow66]

hmm...i was born a lesbian. no seriously i mean it. when i was about 4-5 i played "doctor" with lil' megan next door, and when i was in 3rd grade i always ran up to the same girl every morning and give her a big kiss on the lips (she liked it) and in 7th grade i had a thing for the preachers daughter (we ended up getting together later on that year and broke up a year later for reasons i can't say) and in 9th grade i meet devon and she brought me out of my closet so to speak. we have been together ever since. (16 months) i love her! so much! she's my soulmate! love you baby.

oh and not to mention all the other crushes i've had. the most resent one being...Jayma. please Karen don't kill me.

ok i think that is all i will say. if i say anymore i think i might be beaten or killed or something.

love ya

Megan



"The light of knowledge shining into the darkness of ignorance"-Lambda

[MsTizzyFantastico]

Ok, delurking to add this because it really is too appropriate, but I swear it's true!



Basically, I'm like a lot of other kittens in the fact that ever since I started having crushes they were on girls, but I refused to acknowledge that fact for a long time. Denial really is truly remarkable! When I finally decided to end all the insanity, because in actuallity it was driving me nuts trying so hard to hide something this big from even myself, guess who it was that forced me out?? That's right, herself!



It was the summer before last and I had just seen whatever American Pie movie was out then, I think it was AP2, but I had this really wierd feeling I couldn't shake. So I took a walk at like 10 o'clock on the beach near our summer home, and lying on the sand thinking I was finally just like, this is ridiculous! And that's the first time I ever said to myself that I was attracted to women.



So yeah, now I'm happily enjoying being out with myself and the world, and I have Alyson in part at least to thank!



Oh, and like many other kittens have said, the majority of my friends, when I told them were not only very cool about it, but said they had seen it coming. Again, I wish someone had given me a clue!

[Kieli]

This is quite an interesting thread...to be honest I think I knew I was gay the very first time I watched an ep of "Family Affair" (now doesn't THAT date me?!! ). I fell in love with the babysitter (what the HELL is that woman's name again?)....she was right up there with Mr. French who I totally adored. I think I had crushes all through grade school and high school. I finally gave up fighting it in my Junior year of college when two girls I knew (Shelby and "Columbia"...don't ask ), puckered up for each other while schnockered. They were totally ok with it and didn't diss each other when they sobered up or anything. Well, and there was this time I was watching ST:Voyager (when they first showed 7of9 in that skimpy skintight outfit ) with a bunch of frat guy friends when my friend Doc says to me, "Hey Sister Shoehorn, ya might want to pick your jaw up off the floor. I just swept!" Needless to say, I probably outed myself right at that moment.

Time flies by when the Devil drives.

[cookiedough]

Hehe my first crush? it had to be Alyson when i was like 11 hehe 5 long years ago and my first g'f kinda confirmed it when i was 14



Love ya lots



cookiedough

[cheech]

When did I know... I had major confusion and denial issues growing up. I don't think I really understood what I was feeling. I had crushes on my music teachers, I used to be a big X-files fan and I would tell everybody that I liked David Duchovny but I knew I really had a crush on Gillian Anderson! I think in the back of my head I always kind of knew that I had an attraction to women but basically denied it until this past year when I broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. The relationship was pretty much a sham, I just wasn't sexually attracted to him (funny how that causes problems in a relationship!). After that I decided to stop lying to myself. Right now I'm in a relationship with a woman and I finally feel like I can be myself for the first time in 24 years. I haven't told anyone but my ex-boyfriend (I felt I owed him an explanation) and I'm going to take my time to tell my family because I'm a little worried about their reaction.

[SlayerSydney]

As usual, I missed this thread way back when, so I'm posting in it now.



When did I know is the question I usually get from people within an hour of "Out"-ing my self to them. Most recently, some people at work. And I always laugh when I answer them because honestly, I'm not even sure.



When I look back at all the things I did while growing up:

-The Olivia Newton-John fascination

-The Farrah Fawcett poster on the back of my door

-When my friends and I always played together, I was always a guy character because I wanted to be the one who got the girl.

-My obsession with Lea Thompson...that damn Howard the Duck movie anyway. And then there was Space Camp.

-All the crushes I had on girls but didn't realize they were real crushes.

-Oh, and the best one by far.....One day, the neighborhood kids and I were all playing in my backyard and decided to have a wedding. I, of course, was the groom, and I married my best friend Amy. Just recently while at the bar I told her we needed to get divorced since she's getting married in June. I'm a little heartbroken to be honest. She was my first. Hee hee.



Anyway, there was all that and then my freshman year in college I really started to feel stuff and even told my roomie I thought I might be gay. But she was half asleep and didn't remember that conversation until I "Out"-ed myself to her a few years ago. And, just like others who have posted in this thread, my friends were all like, "Oh, yeah. We kinda figured." What the hell? Maybe someone should have clued me in a little sooner.



But, I guess it wasn't until my senior year in college with my roomie, Colleen, that I finally accepted what I had known all my life but never dealt with.



So, now, I've been in a relationship with my gf for almost three years. My family has finally accepted it as best they can.My friends are all supportive. And slowly but surely, I'm coming out the closet at work.



Wow, it has certainly been a ride.

---

"Honestly, I think if you prefer chocolate to sex, then you're clearly having entirely the wrong kind of sex."~~The Tao of Ruth

[Wicca01]

Personally, I've known since I was about.....12 or something, but didn't do anything about it until......4 years ago. I'm 24 now, and I was watching Buffy and I was like...WOAH!! ALY IS HOT!!! So, anyway, I had my first gf a year ago, but, she left me, so, now, I'm just gay!

[Guinevere]

Looking back I would say that Maybe in the seventh grade when my friend wanted to make paper mache bras and i saw her breasts. I *felt something* I didn't understand. That is the first actual memory I have that says, oh there's the moment. But no, wait. I'm lying. I used to make my best friends barbies hump each other when we were like 9. I guess that should have prolly given me a clue, heh heh.

And I just realised (admitted to myself) recently, too. I'm 22 and I haven't told any local people yet. I don't think they'd believe me. Once I started to suspect things in highschool I covered up by being the perfect girlfriend (to a boy), and since then I've been engaged twice. Thank the goddess I didn't get married!



Now I am upsetting myself thinking about how i would tell people. Not that should I worry, my best friend told me she had sex with another woman and I told her I admired her for doing that, so I guess sho may already know, maybe.



Why is it so hard to tell people you shouldn't be afraid to tell?









I too am mesmerized by the caps at the bottom of the screen

[gwydionslegend]

I can still remember my first crush. She was my kindergarten teacher. After that it was one crush after another, always on girls. I was raised religious though so I never really looked at them as crushes because that would just be wrong. As I got to be a teenager I can remember thinking I might be gay and it terrified me. Finally when I was 17 a man 21 years older than me (and the married preacher of my church) decided to make me his toy. I knew better than to get involved with him but all I could think of was how if I was attracted to this man then I couldn't be gay. The relief was unbelievable. When that nightmare ended I met a very nice guy and at 19 we got married. At 25 I had a baby and I will never regret that. All through the years I still battled my little crushes but managed to keep them under submission. Then when I was 27 it became perfectly clear that if I didn't touch a woman soon I was going to die. I talked a lot with my friends about what I was feeling and finally decided I had to be true to myself. When I was 28 I divorced my husband, came out to my family and the rest of my friends and finally got to know what I'd been missing my whole life. It was a long road but, at 30, I'm finally where I'm supposed to be and I've never been happier.



Wow, that was much longer than I had planned. Sorry 'bout that!



gwyd

[LittleMissTara]

Hi Kitties!

There is so much I would like to tell and as my story covers a lot of the "when did you knew" topic, I think I can post it here. I apologize in advance for this long post.I guess I've been gay since birth, because if I think back, I've always been attracted to women.Unlike so many other stories I've read here, I was really girlie-like. My favorite color was pink, I played with dolls and I loved to wear dresses and skirts (still like it).I never thought of me as gay until I was 12. But before it wasn't a topic to be in love or have a boyfriend.We were still kids. I never spoke it out loud in my head but I knew it unconsciously. Then my best friend during that time told me that she is gay. I told her that I also thought I was gay. We both had a crush on our teacher. I forgot about the being gay stuff ( but always knew it unconsciously) and two years later after several other little crushes, I developed a serious crush on my new teacher ( don't know why, but I always had crushes on older girls or women). I tried to figure out my feelings and as it dawned on me that I might love her, I forbade myself to feel this way. I swore to me that I would rather die than admitting it being gay. I didn't even know if the feelings I had made me a lesbian, or what being gay really was. I only thought, I couldn't live that way.I had really intense feelings for this woman. She meant the world to me.It was a painful time and it took me about 3 years to come over it.All the years until 6 months ago I was a very unhappy girl and didn't know what to do. I thought there would be no one on earth I could tell my feelings. Then one year ago during the holidays again I met an incredible person who treated me the same way I treated her.( "You're so wonderful.""You're wonderful as well").It was the first time my feelings were reciprocated by the person I loved ( during that time I didn't know I loved her). After 3 weeks I had to fly home. I wrote her heavy love letters ( still didn't know it were lover letters. I recently discovered copies of them and I can say:Yes, definitely love letters) but didn't tell her I loved her because I wasn't so sure about it.She never wrote back. I don't know if she felt the same way. The same year (last year) I graduated, started a job during the vacations which helped a lot to become more self-confident. Then my new school started and I met amazing and open-minded people. They like me a lot and show it to me every day.About the same time Buffy season 6 started ( I don't live in the U.S.) and from episode to episode I became more and more W/T addicted. The kiss in bargaining made me jump up and down because I was so happy that they already showed them kissing in the first episode. I got excited and I wondered what will come next. The two seasons before, their relationship had already touched me deep inside because they represent exactly the way I'm feeling.When I first read about Willow getting a girlfriend , I was like : "absolutely cool!!!"I think I wasn't so crazy about it during that time because I partly denied my feelings and I had so much other things going on in my life that I was to busy to think of relationships.But now (the start of season 6)I felt a lot more confident with myself and didn't really know why that happend ( the sudden W/T addiction) but I'm very grateful for it.Now I'm sure that it was love what I felt towards this woman during my vacations.I started researching in the Internet, learned more about the amazing actress who plays Tara and this board. So the lurking began. I printed many lovely W/T pics and made posters out of them. I hide them under my usual Buffy posters so my family, friends and anyone who visits my room can't see them.(would be kind of obvious or at least they would ask questions that I'm not prepared to answer yet).One year ago I removed my SMG posters because which girl has posters of women all over her room?(Too obvious). I'm pretty sure I'm gay. When my friends tell me how cute this and this actor or boy is I can't see it like them. I only say "yes, nice".But I had always crushes on different actresses which can be compared to the feelings my friends have when they talk about boys. I never checked out girls or something like that, it is just that when I fell in love it happened to be with women.So I would say: gay now.I'm proud that I'm finally able to admit it and that I'm not ashamed of it. I know that I will have a very happy life, hopefully with a wonderful girl.Admitting to myself that I'm gay has already made me a happier person.I'm no longer ashamed of myself. You guys are the first who know it. I've never told someone this story before.I'm out to myself ( and now to the Kittens as well) but to nobody else. I don't want to do it until I have a girlfriend.But I think that is something for the "coming out" thread.I hope you didn't get bored to much. You Kitties are great. I enjoy reading your stories and it encourages me.I hope to get to know you soon.See ya

LMT

[tarafreak24]

i guess i should have known from the get go .......and maybe i did but never admmited it to myself unill about....6 month ago.



So , yeah... all through growing up i used to have - what i now know were crushes - on girls......

From my P.E. teacher to Jorja fox being gay on ER...... i some how always fell for the lead women in the movie and never the men ( even though to my frinds i used to say "HE" is so cute....)

then of course there was the obssesion of watching movies where wome kiss , like "wild things "with Neve Campbelle and Denis Richardson.....

and then i started seeing season 4 of buffy......

From Hush i knew there was something up between willow and tara..and i was soooooooo happy when they got togther - not knowing at the time , why i was so happy .

time went by , and i moved a way from the states "forgetting " about buffy untill a year ago....when i saw somehing online about willow and tara......i saw S5 followed by S6 - getting so excited about willow and tara......and thats when i figured it out.....and could actually face my self in the mirror and say.......hey...im gay !! and i want my Tara !!!

this was 6 month ago....and hopefully i will soon find her!

[urnofosiris]

gwydionslegend, it took me 30 years to arrive at where I was supposed to be, so to speak. The me not getting married and having a child aside I know what you mean.

LittleMissTara, that was anything but boring. I hope posting here helped you like it did me when I first showed up here, posting here was my first big coming out, and I was still nervous like hell, silly me.

Eventhough everyone's circumstances are different it is really nice to be able to read people's thoughts and feelings and recognize them.

-------------------------


Coffee, Food, Kisses and Gay Love........Get it while you are hot

[Paigeosity]

I have been gay forever I think I just didn't know.

I was a tomboy as a kid. Always a tomboy. Spent time pretending to be a boy. I even have home videos of me at like 5 or 6 with my hair stuffed in my hat as I went out to play. I remember the guys not wanting girls to play baseball so I just hid my hair and pretended. Good stuff. I even remember when I was four and liberated myself by vowing never to wear a dress again. All of these were big signs that I was gay but I still didn't know.



Then I played games and was always the dude. I even got close to frenching a girl once but my parents called me in early(damn it). I still never got the clue until about 2 years ago(between the ages of 15 and 16) when I got a crush on a girl.



Good times good times. I freaked then I accepted it. I think it was pretty easy for me to figure out and now I know.



Paige

[WTJunkie]

My story...sorry it turned out so long ;-)



Like most folks, I can look back on my childhood and adolescence and say yep there were soooo many signs, wasn't it obvious?? But I remained clueless until the age 22 and 11 and half months - I can pinpoint the WEEK that the realization hit me over the head.



I was always a tomboy. Not real butch, but just very uncomfortable with being girly. Kinda androgynous. In fact I think I was pretty ASEXUAL all through puberty. I just chose not to deal with puberty. Everyone had raging hormones, but not me. I was just so repressed, I just felt kinda aloof about dating. And of course I was fat awkward and not pretty in the girly sense. I just assumed that one day when I moved away from my little town that someday I would find a nice man.



Even though I was raised in a small town, my family is fairly liberal, so luckily I was never instilled with negative feelings about being gay. My father is a theatre professor and my mom a dance teacher - so being in the arts, they were very comfortable with gay people. But I just didn't have a clue. In fact, I had known a lot of gay people through my own work in the theatre, and I just assumed that you are born gay and that most people knew they were gay by the time they entered kindergarten! After all thats the way it was for all the theatre queens I knew. hehe. So Here I was, already in college...I couldn't possible by gay...



I'm not sure what happened, but it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. Hmmm women were becoming, um, nice to look at. I was fascinated - how can this be happening now (at age 22)? Then I finally rented a lesbian movie - don't laugh, it was Clair of the Moon. That was the first time a REALLY looked at two women kiss passionately. I almost fainted. Up till then I'd always thought kissing (a man) was actually kind of icky..I figured I'd have to grow into it. Not anymore. Thats when I realized the reason I had never dated in my life was not because I was pathetic geek, but because I didn't want GUYS.



Funny thing is, at the age of 23, I figured out that I was gay, and within a couple months I got a girlfriend and fell in love. Considering my previous track record, that was FAST. During those 2 months before I met my girlfriend, its like I had a second adolescence - but this time I had the raging hormones. I was ogling women left and right. It was so funny.



Luckily, coming out to my family went well. None of them were surprised of course. Just waiting for me to figure it out. heh.



PS:Oh and there's a happy ending to this saga...believe it or not, I met my gf on the internet - on a message board. It was a happy accident. we were over 1000 miles apart, and not looking for love, but love found us. We now live together and own a house. We've been together for 7 happy years! :-)

[SJ]

Great story and a happy ending

[urnofosiris]

Yeah that was a very nice story to read.

-------------------------


Coffee, Food, Kisses and Gay Love........Get it while you are hot

[amberbensontotallyrules4e]

okay, so I'm late on this one, and I usually am but I just thought I'd add in my stuff.

I was (I think) 11(1997) , and I had the biggest crush on SMG and that's when I realized "Hey, I think I just maybe could be gay." And then it became a Britney Spears thing, and it was like, well, it can't be a one-off, I really am gay.

But the thing that settled it 100% was falling for my teacher in year 9 (aged 13) and it was like the first time I saw her I just wanted to kiss her ALL over. And still everytime I see her I get all tingly, despite being mostly over her now :-)

Rachel

*****************************************************************

"My favorite player in the whole world is Michael Owen"~ PELE

"The only way to beat Liverpool is to let the ball down"~ ALAN BALL

[3peanuts]

I was about three at nursery school. I already said I was raised by nuns...well one day comes to be a new teacher this young beatiful girl, that was kind of alluring for me. I fell in love for her. I still remember her very well.



The first time I said to me I was "kinda gay" I was 12 y.o. and I was deeply thinking about a classmate, when the word "lesbian" popped out of my mind.



It's strange to consider that, apart from the coming out struggle, I felt very comfortable when I thought I could be gay. I accepted myself very fast as if I had just discovered something I always knew but couldn't define with words.

It was reassuring.

"Cunning linguist" GG

Keynes was right

[ohtrustysodamachine]

well i realised i was gay sometime last year and when i told my friends they were like 'well yeah!, where were you coz we figured that out ages ago!!!'(as usual im always the last to know) , i just figured that i found women as strong role models, coz my first crush was SMG, but god has that changed- AH is now the goddess!!

But the good thing was that my friends were cool about it, but things changed and then everytime a girl would walk into the room they would say 'oooh, i bet you fancy her?', and i would keep on having to explain to them that it doesnt work that way, and they just cant seem to understand that, but im still looking for that special 1 that will hopefully come along one day, but ive got plenty of time coz im still only 19!

For the love of god someone stop me from rambling on!

jess

[Kiwigrrrl]

I've known since I was 13, although I had a crush on my female teacher when I was 9 years old.



Strangely enough, it didn't really seem like a big deal to me, it wasn't something that I was ashamed of or worried about; I've just always checked out girls as well as boys for as long as I remember.



It must be my manner, or some sort of vibe that I give off, but I never really had to 'come out', everyone already seemed to know.



The worst thing of it is that I find it really hard to be friends with guys, because I get on really well with them (I often go out on the town with my male friends and scope out girls), but as soon as they know that I'm not ever going to be attracted to them, they go all crazy and start stalking me and telling me that they're in love with me. I guess it's that whole 'wanting what you can't have' thing.



I was amazed, when I actually told everyone, how everyone already knew, and how cool they are with it.



Best of luck to anyone who is thinking about 'coming out'. I hope that it isn't too hard for you, and it may even bring you closer to your friends and family.



- Skye.





"I am, you know"

"What?"

"Cheese."

[Shadow]

My middle name is denial. I always had more female friends than male. Never liked guys much. Never understood them… Every now and then I would meet a girl and wanted so badly to become her friend. Never understood why really. I even slept with girls TWICE and I was still in denial. Then for two years I kept quiet and tried dating guys. I hated kissing them and wanted to puke every time I did. When I was 16 I finally told myself “Stop being blind- You’re gay!”. That didn’t work well at first but since I told my friends they were really great and supportive. It was like for the first time I could be myself. And then I started to really notice girls, and kiss them… and it felt great.



It’ s lame story but it’s mine. I remember often saying I wished I were gay cause men are idiots… when it turned out I was gay I cryed for two days cause I was afraid that I will never meet anybody like me.



Now I’m happy gay girl. I’m not ashamed of who I am even though I get scared sometimes.

I know it will be better world for gay people in 20 years but it has to get worse before it gets better.

Edited by: Warduke at: 7/6/03 8:54 am

[Banned From The Porch]

I was 15 when I actually put a name to what I felt (a tad naive back then) but I knew I always liked the girls. I went through a phase for a year of "liking boys" because I was scared out of my mind and was trying to convince myself otherwise. Now I'm pretty damn sure of it

*I Wake Up And The Day Feels Broken. Just Lean Into The Crack And It Will Tremble Ever So Nicely. Notice How It Sparkles Down There...*

[friskylez]

Wow its so cool this thread is still around, i love reading everyones stories..As the old saying goes, the more things change the more they remain the same..Denial, confusion, acceptance, even today when its more "ok" to be gay..



As an older lesbian, one of the oldest, if not the oldest on

the board lmao, its great to see so many young lesbians out and proud..There was a time, back in my day, when that wasnt the case..We have come a long way baby !

"Life is what happens while waiting for your ship to come in"

Edited by: friskylez  at: 7/2/03 11:02 pm

[emma peel]

Hehe, friskylez, I don't believe you're the oldest.

Janice

[T Maclay]

It took me along time to figure out what was going on with me, I remember having the most strangest feelings about women, and I had the hugest crush on Alyssa Milano in 'Who's the Boss' when I was 13/14 ish, but NEVER understood what was going on. I had the boyfriends but couldnt figure out why I just wasnt liking them. Then when I was 24, I was out one day with a friend and she started to tell me how she had had gay feelings in the past, but had them totally under control now,well, I leant over and kissed her, and although there was this HUGE feeling of guilt, and confusion about what was going on it felt right. It wasnt untill we had been together for at least a year that I really admitted to myself though that I was gay, and now 6 years later we are still together.

Bored-Now