The Lesbian Jokes Thread

[Guinevere]

I just read all these great jokes,and i'm laughing so hard people think i'm insane 'cause its really quiet at the library today.



Gwen

[lustandrhymeremover]

My dad went to Atlanta this last weekend and stopped to eat at Joes Crab Shack at some point. Being the thoughtful father he is, he got me a gift. I am now the proud owner of a pair of boxer shorts that read, in big letters, BITE ME. I don't know that he even got it, but I thought it was hilarious. Bite Me. On my boxers.

Some people think I'm unnatural, but what do they call their hair-color then?

[stevi monkey]

hey ok i'm new to this site but loving it...heres some more jokes to add to ur collection



Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as

whales? So they can have 10 foot

tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.



What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?

Well Hung

. Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned?

She was found face down in Ricki Lake.



How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? Even

the pool table doesn't have balls



How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? She



kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

[wolfwynd]

lmao, they were great! I especially liked the Ricki Lake and the butch woman ones!



I wish I had some, but alas I know none **sigh**



Keep the love alive... + =



Wolfy

"Ohana means family. It means no one gets left behind or forgotton"

[SoulieBaby]

Those jokes are hillarious!!

"Life
isn't measured by the breath you take, but by what takes your breath away"


. : :Shrine of Angelina Jolie : Angelina Messageboard : Girls who love Girls : : .

[jeepchick scully]

Hahaha, I love lesbian jokes. Doesn't seem to be very many of them out there does it? Maybe I just am not looking hard enough. Keep the jokes a coming.



~Shanna

[pioggia acida]

i havnt seen this one on the list... but it may be here... anyway it was in a book i am reading...



Did you hear about the new line of tennis shoes for lesbians that just came out?

They're called Dykies, but they had to be recalled. The tongues weren't long enough.

if no-one wants to play with me then i am going to go to my room and play with myself... play by myself, i meant play by myself

[Always410]

*giggles* okay, these jokes are just great. Im telling some to my friends. Must go share!

Tara: Willow, you are using too much magick. What do you want me to do, sit back and keep my mouth shut?

Willow: Well that'd be a good start.

Tara: (Shocked) If I didn''t love you so damn much I would!

[BohemianKitten]

Ok, this one isn't so much a l.esbian joke as a woman joke.



My "dear friend" Brian told me this, so blame him and his non-feministic ways.



Why do they call it PMS?

Because mad cow disease was taken.



I alternated laughing and chopping off his head at that one!

Edited by: BohemianKitten at: 3/1/04 4:26 pm

[Jennpurr]

Okay, I might be inappropriately laughing, but that's kinda funny!



Jen

---

||My Fan Fiction and More!|| ||My Yahoo Group||
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"Got to sing. Got to dance. Got to suck face with Alyson Hannigan." - Amber Benson (Toronto Trek)


Dory: Look, here's something! *points to a door that has the word, 'escape,' on it* Es-cop-ay! I wonder what that means... it's funny. It's spelled just like the word escape. ~ "Finding Nemo"

[Betty2000]

Ok, got this in the inbox today and thought it was quite funny. Possibly not the most PC, and gay rather than strictly lesbian but hopefully good for a giggle.



Here it is:





A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.



>

>"They're mating," her father replied.

>

>"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

>

>"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.

>

>"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

>

>"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

>

>The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said "Well, it might be ok in California or New York but we're not having any of that shit in Wyoming."

[Tempest Duer]

Yes, it's politically incorrect, but it's also funny. If we can't laugh at ourselves, then who can we laugh at? It would be hypocritical to laugh at other people.

Willow: Hey Buff. One more thing. Buffy: Yeah? Willow: I’m gay. Buffy: Okay, Will. Xander owes me ten bucks.

~Remember to Breathe by Yellow Crayon

[Jennpurr]

---

||My Fan Fiction and More!|| ||My Yahoo Group||
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"I could never hide this little light of mine, If God made a mistake then I should die before I wake, Maybe it's my fate to swim against this tide, Swallowing my pride." - Melissa Etheridge, "Meet Me In The Dark."

[Tempest Duer]

Jen, have I ever mentioned how much I love your avatar?

Willow: Hey Buff. One more thing. Buffy: Yeah? Willow: I’m gay. Buffy: Okay, Will. Xander owes me ten bucks.

~Remember to Breathe by Yellow Crayon

[Jennpurr]

I'm not sure if you have, but thank you, sweetie.



Jen

---

||My Fan Fiction and More!|| ||My Yahoo Group||
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"I could never hide this little light of mine, If God made a mistake then I should die before I wake, Maybe it's my fate to swim against this tide, Swallowing my pride." - Melissa Etheridge, "Meet Me In The Dark."

[Tempest Duer]

You're welcome, and I've spent many a couple of minutes drooling over it. I mean, the kiss scrolling back and forth. What could be better than that?

Willow: Hey Buff. One more thing. Buffy: Yeah? Willow: I’m gay. Buffy: Okay, Will. Xander owes me ten bucks.

~Remember to Breathe by Yellow Crayon

[Jennpurr]

Nothing that I can think of.



Jen

---

||My Fan Fiction and More!|| ||My Yahoo Group||
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"I could never hide this little light of mine, If God made a mistake then I should die before I wake, Maybe it's my fate to swim against this tide, Swallowing my pride." - Melissa Etheridge, "Meet Me In The Dark."

[MOUSE]

Thank you Betty. I popped in here to get a laugh because I've had a crappy couple of weeks with a cancer scare, and getting half of my ear lopped off, and well a laugh I got.



Thank you again.

Laughter is the best medicine. And this place is always warm and welcoming.

[gabbles]

ok...first off...they were all damn funny...



ok, Ive got a joke...not exactly a lesbian joke, but still funny/...sorta disturbing.lol



Whats the definition of poor?

Hanging your tampons out to dry.



Whats the definition of dirt poor?

Someone stealing them.





I was caught between gagging and laughing

*hugz*

~Gabs

Edited by: gabbles at: 3/16/04 4:22 am

[xita]

ok that made me laugh!

- - - - - - - - - - -
"No more twat. No more twat for me. Twat gets me into trouble!" - Crack Whore Jenny, The L Word

[gabbles]

Glad I made you laugh



My friend told me it, and I burst out laughing...the thought about it and gagged....then laughed some more



hehehe

*hugz*

~Gabs

"I'm known as the fat lesbian chick on Buffy. Of course, I mean you stand me next to an actress like Sarah and I look like I'll eat her. *beat* Wait, that didn't sound right. But, you know what I mean."-Amber

[pioggia acida]

This isn't specifically lesbian, but many ppl here may get a chuckle out of this... no offence intended to anyone we love you all.



------------------------



The Heterosexual Questionnaire



If straight people are giving you grief, try asking them the following questions...



1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?



2. When and how did you decide that you were a heterosexual?



3. Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase that you may outgrow?



4. Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?



5. If you have never slept with a person of the same sex, is it possible that all you need is a good gay lover?



6. Do your parents know that you are straight? Do your friends and/or house mates know? And how did they react?



7. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can't you just be who you are and stop flaunting it?



8. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?



9. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?



10. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual? Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual teachers.?



11. Just what do men and women do in bed together? How can they know how to please each other, being so anatomically different?



12. With all the societal support marriage receives the divorce rate is spiralling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?



13. Statistics show that lesbians have the lowest rates of sexually transmitted diseases. Is it really safe for women to maintain a heterosexual lifestyle, and run the risk of disease and pregnancy?



14. How can you become a whole person if you limit yourself to exclusive Heterosexuality?



15. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?



16. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don't you feel that he/she might be inclined to influence you in the direction of his/her own leanings?



17. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. Have you considered trying aversion therapy?



18. Would you want your children to be heterosexual, knowing the problems that he/she would have?



(from home.vicnet.net.au/~glswitch/quiz.htm )

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Edited by: pioggia acida at: 4/7/04 4:11 am

[littlecrazy80]

*lil´c*

"Okay, we’re here, we’re queer, let’s kick this shit into gear," Five by Five (Taras Shadow)



SweetAmber

[angelofinsanity]

jee Rhain, i'm very tempted to answer all those questions sarcastically.

hrm- do i dare?



hehehe

-----------insert witty sig here------------

[Tempest Duer]

I had a friend who would ask those questions all the time... the results were wonderful.

Saying that up is down will not make up, down.



~Gene Burns

[Washi]

I have a crude joke (coming from me, what a surprise, huh? ) not lesbian related, but still.



Three scientists (all women), one English, one American and one Tunisian are trying to figure out what are the causes behind the mad cow disease. The English scientist think a while and then says:



"The mad cow disease comes from the fact that we give our cows animal flours as feed."



The American laughs out loud and says:



"No way! The mad cow disease comes from the fact that we milk the cows too much."



The Tunisian starts laughing her ass off. The American and British look at her and ask her to explain.



"How many times a day do you milk your cows?" The Tunisian asks.



"Two times a day." the other two both answer.



"How many times a year do they mate?"



"Once a year." They both answer.



"Well, if someone was playing with my tits twice a day, and I only had sex once a year, I'd go insane too."





Dunno if it's funny, but it made me laugh when I heard it, I might have been on a caffeine high though.



So many of the ones I have are in french and just don't translate well into english.

-------------------



"See? I've mastered this tact crap." Anya in Tears Of The Goddess by Lisa



The course of love doesn’t always run smooth, especially for the neurotic and accident-prone. ~ LadyB



.:Dark-bliss.net :. .:Blink.Flash.Sparkle.:. .:My blog:. .:Blood and Ink:. .:Washi's 70s Site:.

Edited by: Washi  at: 4/8/04 5:33 pm

[Tempest Duer]

That is funny. It wasn't just the caffeine, but there's no caffeine in my system.

Saying that up is down will not make up, down.



~Gene Burns

[littlecrazy80]

It is funny Washi.



*lil´c*

"Okay, we’re here, we’re queer, let’s kick this shit into gear," Five by Five (Taras Shadow)



SweetAmber

[Stroke of Luck]

Hahahah that was a good one Washi, wouldnt anyone go crazy like that?



Cu

SoL/Natti

Even in death Baby, i´ll never leave u!

[LunaMuses]

heard a funny (if slightly naughty) one a few days ago....



so at guy's a the bar, drinking alone. a couple sexy women walk in and sit down.



"Hey bartender," the guy says, "buy those ladies a round of drinks for me."



Bartender answers, "you're wasting your money, man. They're lesbians."



The guy shrugs. He's too drunk to care, besides, they're still good-looking girls. "That's okay, go ahead."



So he buys the lesbians a few more drinks in good fun, and a little while later, one of the ladies stands up and walks over to talk to him.



She says "Hey man, thanks for the drinks. You know we're not really interested, though, right?"



"Awww, no no. I know that. I just think you're really pretty ladies," he slurs. "Hey, can I ask you one favor, though?"



She raises her eyebrows in response.



"How 'bout you let me take a peek at your girlfriend's pussy?"



Leaning over, she smiles and says, "No but you can smell it," blowing in his face.



this is funnier when told in person, you can imitate the blowing (better effect ;P) rather than tell it, but all the same, I laughed hard at that one



EDIT: Remind me not to type out jokes at 3AM. I totally screwed up the punchline. now it's fixed...no wonder I felt like I was forgetting something...

In Memory of Austin Evans...you will not be forgotten...

Edited by: LunaMuses at: 8/1/04 8:32 pm