Coming Out Stories

[friskylez]

Amber, Cool name One thing to remember that "coming out", to use Tara's words, is "a long, slow process"...Its accepting yourself, being proud of who you are, realizing there is not a damn thing wrong with you and you are not alone..



There may be friends who wont and never will understand, parents may stay in denial, brothers and sister may not "get it"..I know my brother is very accepting

of me , but he thinks its a "choice"..



Understanding leads to tolerance..Ignorance leads to hate...Coming out is a very personal choice, i struggled for many years with who i was..I didnt have W/T to look at on tv and relate to..Ive seen so many stories of young lesbians and gays who related to W/T and in the process discovered who they are..



You have found a "family" on this board, people who understand you, relate to you and are there for you..Xita did a wonderful thing when she started this board..It is about W/T, but its also about issues that are important to the gay and lesbian community..

"Middle age is when you have two choices and you choose the one that gets you home early"

[The Destroyer]

I just want to say to all those who are yet to come out, or are having problems with the fact they have come out - I wish you all the best of luck, and to me its great that everyones founf a board that can offer support (which I know, in tough times, is important).

I was lucky with mine, sometimes parents can really surprise you. My dad always seemed homophobic, hes very traditional. But one day I got very drunk, and then told him (it was like I'd reached a boiling point). He was great about it, hugged me, said that he would always love and support me (unless i sold drugs :-) . SO sometimes things dont turn out as bad as you would imagine.

Its actually made things a lot better. Theres less tension on my part, and I actually feel more comfortable around them.

So I just wanted to say soemtimes things can work out, and either way it certainly strengthens your character :-)

[angelsslayer04]

Friskylez,



Thank you so much. If there's one thing I know from coming to this board and reading how much you guys obviously care for and protect each other, it's that you accept, regardless or orientation, gender, or race. So thanks. It's nice to come here and read all these posts that sound a lot like me, and how I feel.

[Ittybittykitty]

As some of you might remember I was trying to come out to my aunt and uncle.



Finally did it like a few days ago and...well...let's just say that thanksgiving is gonna suck a lot. Total flippage occured. Not too cool. It's not too fun. In fact it registers on the negative side of fun.

Shameless plug- Read my fic 7th Hellvan. It isn't half bad:)! "Innerbed".

[xita]

They may or may not feel differently later. Certainly though a little time will help. I had several very negative family/friend reactions that improved greatly with time. I always says, it took me years of being gay in my head and getting used to that before I felt comfortable with it. Family members sometimes also need a little time to get used to the idea.



I hope they do... but it is also possible they won't. Ittybittykitty, you just gotta hang in there and know there are places and people who accept you as you are.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

"Oooh Xita!" - Amber Benson

[katlurkin]

I didn’t “always” know I was gay, but I always know there was something “wrong with me”. Whenever kissing was involved during games I didn’t want it to stop when I was kissing a girl. I convinced myself I had crushes on boys in high school, but I couldn’t really get involved. Crushes I had on girls, I dismissed as, over involvement in the “newness” of the friendship. It didn’t soak in until I was in my mid 20’s. I told my mom and sister within 6 months. They were fine with it, love me and don’t care who I want to sleep with. Though they worried a bit, that I might face prejudice. My grandma thinks I’m mistaken (LOL) but no rejection. I don’t tell people at work because, 1. It’s none of their business and 2. not dating right now.

If I get lucky enough to find someone and fall in love, I will tell them because, I would not be able to help myself from talking about my girlfriend.



I’ve only lost one friend and that is a looooong complicated story. I actually just came out to some of my online friend this week. They were Surprised, but fine or not surprise and fine. Currently all of my friends are straight, which is kinda depressing



(I’ll probably get shot for this, but I’m also a Spuffy fan, love watching SMG/JM together)

I have no quote, I have smileys see

[Ittybittykitty]

Thanks Xita...you're like a wonderbra of support for this whole board.

Shameless plug- Read my fic 7th Hellvan. It isn't half bad:)! "Innerbed".

[momentum]

Has anyone seen this MTV feature on coming out? I caught a rerun the other day and cried like a baby because I totally related to Joel (heh).



He grew up in a strict, Catholic, Filipino family who had high expectations for him. I was like, huh, that's me except I'm a girl! It was depressing when he came out to his mother and she said that homosexuality was something psychological and contagious.

-------
Elise
Reno Dakota there's not an iota of kindness in you

You know you enthrall me and yet you don't call me

It's making me blue

[urnofosiris]

Joel? Our Joel? Ruth's Flaming Joel?

As for it being contagious, who did he catch it from then? Mommy? Daddy?

---------------------------


Tara: "uh Willow?"

Willow: "No dancing naked, huh?...It just won't be the same."

Tara: "That's all right, we can save it for later" ----From Wilderness, the newest WT comic written by Amber Benson and Christopher Golden

[lilac8wine]

Hey everybody.

I know that im gay, but im too scared to 'come out' to my family. Even just thinking about it scared me to death. But the strange thing is, that i know that my mum would be ok with it after a while and so would my dad, it would take a while though considering that i come from a catholic family, but they would still love me, and even though in my heart, i know this, i still cant tell them, i dont know, its just so scary, i mean i know how i feel, and i know that i cant change it, but a part of me wonders whether i will ever be able to come out to my family. I hope so........

[Tulipp]

lilac8wine. Hi; I just saw your e-mail and wanted to write in to say...I don't know what. Coming out is such a personal and individual thing, and as you can see in this thread, sometimes it is very unpredictable. I have, myself, been extremely fortunate in having parents and siblings who accepted my coming out immediately. Yes, they made some judgments; yes, it took them some time, but ultimately they get it.



The most important thing is trusting yourself. You don't have to rush telling your family if you don't want to. Only you will know when it's the right time, and you should listen to yourself. When you're ready, when you just can't wait any longer, you'll probably know.



In my experience and that of my friends--and again, I know that I have been extremely lucky--time can go a long, long way in helping families understand and accept. Sometimes a lot of time. But know that no matter what your family says, there are people (here, for example) who will always support you and accept you. Good luck.

We're sorcerers. The night is still our time. A time of magic.
–Ethan Rayne.

[starlet1010]

this thread is so lovely! i keep rereading all the posts and i'm so glad the kitten board is here! sorry just have to add my little bit!

i kind of date my coming out from the time i came out to myself. i was doing this ballroom dancing class and there were never enough boys to go around, allthough i alwas managed to get one. i have too left feet and my poor partner must have been so bruised! then one day he didn't turn up so i got stuck with this girl, we did the class as normal, cha-cha'ing and that. but for the first time i could do the steps and we did the little dance so well i got that i've finally mastered a skill high, we were gliding around the place. dancing with this girl felt so right, so normal it was perfect, and it sounds silly, but i just knew then it was only a girl i could end up with. i didn't really fancy her, it was simply her being a girl, i still got that watching tara and willow dance floating in the air buzz, where you go all gooey over how right and perfect the two of them together is!



lilac, your post sounds so familiar,

i also knew in my heart that my parents would be ok with my being gay but i was so terrified to tell them, it scared me more than anything i could think of. (including being locked in a closet with 10000 spiders!) with me i am also scared to tell my friends as well. even though i have a few gay and bisexual friends, and staight friends who i know wouldn't be fazed at all. (who would probably like me to come out as i would be less stressy and repressed to be around) even though i know this, and i know that one of my flatmates thought i was gay for months, before i surprised her by having a boyfriend, (another last ditch attempt at straightness) i still can't find the words. or find the guts to go through with it.

for me this fear is all consuming, when i try to buy diva or curve magazine it still takes me 3 rounds of the shopping centre and half an hour flcking through vogue before i get the courage to run to the counter. when i walk home i physically shake and my heart pounds because im so frightened someone has seen me. though the more times i go to buy it the easier it gets, i managed to have a weather conversation with the cashier yesterday-am so proud!

the stupid thing is, when i'm on my own reading my dyke novels, watching willow/tara and but im a cheerleader for the millionth time and reading diva, i am so happy with seeing myself as gay, i couldn't be anything but, and i want to be proud and i want to be out, but i cant seem to get past the fear. which i know is so out of proportion to the kind of response i would get.

the only people i am out to are my parents and that was a complete mistake. a year ago when i finaly came out to myself (took all of 20 years) i was living back at home and buying lesbian novels obbsesivly and watching buffy over and over, i was reaching boiling point and needed to just scream it from the rooftops, but being your repressed, quiet little english stereotype, i wrote a huge long letter to my parents insead, then backed out of giving it to them and hid it under my bed. i went on holiday and when my parents came to pick me up from the train station they just sat in the car looking at me funny and said they'd found my letter. i of course freaked denied it, said it was just a phase and i was over it. and they said its ok, my mum had always known, my dad said he wanted me to be happy (it did take him some time to be comfertable with it) so i finally came out to them and my mum now videos ER so i dont miss the odd carrie weaver/lovely firewoman snog. and yet a year on still none of my friends know, i'm still declaring my love for tom cruise and getting funny 'think you mean nichole' looks from some, still have the fear/internalized homophobia/shame about being ashamed. will have to stop being such a scardey cat.



im sorry this is ever so long, am boring self so will stop now!

[Arat Sevol Wolliw]

Hey Starlet I totally know what you're talking about! I remember being in Barnes and Nobles, sneaking up to the magazine shelves, quickly grabbing the Alyson issue of Out and then making my way down the aisle and grabbing an Entertainment Weekly to cover over the first magazine. I know i look like such a dork sitting in the little chair with one magazine on top of the other but I didn't know what else to do! I panicked!



The only people who know about me are my three closest friends (who all happen to be gay themselves), my parents are totally in the dark. I have a journal that I keep and in it I've written a couple drafts of a letter. Don't know what I'd do if They ever read it.



Whenever I think about the first time I told someone i always get a happy, contented feeling. See, me and my best friend, Kelly, were out on the town, running errends and we decided to make a quick stop at Baskin Robbin's and grab some ice cream. So, post-Baskin Robbin's, we're driving along and Kelly is telling me about the whole situation with her ex-girlfriend and she also tells me that my OTHER good friend Joey is gay and that he likes my friend Sean. So, wow, here I am, with my yummy ice-cream, good music on the radio and gayness being the topic, could I ask for better timing? Still, as welcoming as I knew Kelly would be, it took me like 5,000,000 tries at actually getting the sentence out. It was funny, she could've laughed, but she was way patient. I told Joey and Sean about a month later, and that was April. So here I am three months later, all itchy to tell someone else. You get this lovely rush from coming out, I think someone mentioned that a few pages back. I've been lucky to have it turn out as well as it has, and i think that's why I'm afriad to tell more people. Why would I want to ruin my streak?

No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue, I could not foresee this thing happening to you.

[kukalaka]

I've told three of my best friends so far (that's 3 out of 4 , I don't have that many friends, but I really have 4 best friends.)



Anyway, I think it took me about an hour from "OK, now I'm going to tell her" to actually doing so with one of them even though I was absolutely certain she wouldn't mind. She knew there was something I wanted to tell her. She was really patient and did a lot of talking while waiting for me to build up my courage.



After I had finally gotten it out, the first thing she said was: "I'm not really surprised. Can't think of much that would take you so long to tell me." I'll have to remember to ask her whether she guessed before that.



Still not sure whether to tell my mother yet. I guess I will as soon as there is a good opportunity.



I don't have problems buying lesbian books though. I only hide them once I'm home

--

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18. - Albert Einstein

[slayer747]

just wanna add that for me, coming out to my friends is the most liberating experience that i had. i think it also helped our friendship in away, now that i am not hiding anything from them. gotta love honesty.

------------
"Sometimes things happen between people that you don't really expect. And sometimes the things that are important are the ones that seem the weirdest or the most wrong, and those are the ones that change your life." - Jessie "Once and Again"

[Spikeizmine87]

Hello, this is really my first offical post here besides the into thread. You guys are all very cool, cooler then the amberholics. Well my coming out story.....well theres not much to say other then Im still in the process of doing it. I discovered I was gay last year, but I never really told people or anything because I thought it was a phase. When I watched the Willow and Tara realationship happen, I didn't like it at all. I think thats one of the reasons why I never said anything because of the way I felt about that. Then I started liking Amber, and the whole W/T realationship. I met alot of cool people, and befriended a girl who was gay. And she helped me out alot in dealing with it. So I finally told 2 of my friends and they were supportive. Talking to my gay friend has helped me out, so then I told about 4 other people. The issue is now, just trying to sum up the courage to tell my parents and sisters, its hard because they really dont like gay people much and im afriad they wont accept me and they might disown me. But I think I'll do it soon!

-Rose, A loyal Amber fan!

[slayer747]

spikezmine, if you are in total fear of being disowned by your family, i guess it is not a good idea to rush coming out to them. i think it would be better if you try to know yourself more a bit and develop the confidence you need so you'd be able to face them and answer all the questions they'd ask when you finally do. however, it's really only up to you to know whether you are ready or not. coming out is a slow process, and it is not only about coming out, but staying out as well... if you need support, we're all here.

------------
"Sometimes things happen between people that you don't really expect. And sometimes the things that are important are the ones that seem the weirdest or the most wrong, and those are the ones that change your life." - Jessie "Once and Again"

[Spikeizmine87]

Hey thanks! The thing about everyone here is, you guys are so nice and suportive and caring, but at amberholics, they care more about themselves really and just talking to the people they know. Bigheaded sometimes. Like the moderator here (Xita is it?) is really cool! And at the other site, LW is okay just werid. Huh, ok I think I'm done! LOL

-Rose



Amber rocks my entire world baby!

[Puff]

Hi Rose Welcome to the kitten board. There is actually a whole thread about Kittens that have been disowned by family members. It's good to read it for support. Noone can tell you who to come out to or when, you can only do it in your own time. Well done on telling some people and I hope you stick around on the board...we're a fun bunch.

-----------------------
You know, it's a real deal relationship and that's why people can relate to it
Amber Benson

[JennerTheHenner]

Well, I don't think I've ever come out to anyone, I've stated before that I've found myself attracted to women as well as men butI've never out and said 'Hey I'm bi!'

All of my family have said they don't care who I'm with as long as I'm happy so that's awesome. I don't know how my friends would take it, really. I think my best friend would feel really odd around me.. but for the most part I think everyone would be accepting of it. It's kind of odd even typing this though, I've never *really* discussed it..

I've more than honored your request for silence, and you've washed your Hands Clean of this. - Alanis

[urnofosiris]

Welcome to the Kitten Spikeizmine87

I hope you will work through all the things that coming out brings with it. It is nice to hear that through WT you have found friend(s) to support you and hopefully this board can help you some more as well. None of us are professional counsellors when we post here (not even those that are in real life, heh), but it can be really helpful to just read about other people's experiences and feelings and hopefully some suggestions will be helpful.



I must ask you not to talk about other boards here though, it is off topic for the Kitten. Every board has their own ways and rules which we should try to respect when there. I found the place that fitted me best, this place, heh, if the Kitten will be that place for you then that is great, if not, well I won't mind . There are also Kitties who feel at home at different boards and who care about these places equally, that's great too.



Jennerthehenner (cool name, hee), I had the same feeling about my best friend, hum, she had made some comments that made me worry about how she would react to me once she found out, well, fortunately I was wrong. She was very cool and a few weeks ago I was her witness/best man at her wedding.

I hope your friend will surprise you as well, if and when the time comes please do share if you want.

--------------------

Tara: "uh Willow?"

Willow: "No dancing naked, huh?...It just won't be the same."

Tara: "That's all right, we can save it for later" ----From Wilderness, the newest WT comic written by Amber Benson and Christopher Golden

Edited by: DrG at: 8/3/02 2:45:45 am

[mariacomet]

I'm mostly trying to clear my head with this post so I am bound to ramble.



A while back ago, I had this girlfriend and that relationship ended in fiery unhealthy brokenupsville that lingered wayyyy longer than it should have.



My other relationships with women were...well...sexual. So the afore mentioned ex was my first test in a gay relationship. She was not out - at work or with her family. Which was fine with me, since I'm not either. So we didn't show affection in public for the most part. And since it was a long distance thing, there were a lot of awkward moments that I was able to avoid. Not purposefully...but just by proxy. Like...my parents coming over while she was tangled in the sheets of my bed. Things like that, that I am sure if she was local would have been MUCH more of a threat.



I should say here, that I hate lieing. My dear friends know that I am gay. And instinctively I WANT to tell my parents. I don't like secrets. But my family is very conservative. My mother, usually a generous, caring woman refers to homosexuals as "those people." In all honesty, i am not sure what it would do to her to discover I am gay. And I don't know...how much of a family I would have after any such revelation.



As a latina, old fashioned takes on a new entity when it comes to my parents. I am not sure the idea of being disowned is far fetched. I am not sure I can risk losing my family. Some days...I feel I have enough strength. Some days, I just feel the loss it would cause. I see the pain in their eyes. The disappointment. And maybe even the anger. I know they would feel as if it was a failing of theirs, that their daughter would turn out in such a way.



I don't think of my parents as ignorant, short sighted, or uncompassionate. But in this area, they have very strong feelings.



I think I was able to ignore a lot of this when I was with my ex...and especially after we broke up. I didn't date for a long time so there were no secrets.



But now, I met someone. Someone much stronger and braver then my ex. She makes me want to be strong too. And now, I am starting to see things differently. How it's possible for secrets to effect so many...and not just yourself. How it's possible for one person to make a difference in the attitudes and perceptions of people around them.



i read about violence against homosexuals and wonder to myself if by remaining somewhat closeted, I am contributing to that.



My logic is sound on one hand. My sex life is no one's business but my own. But then again, that doesn't explain why I don't feel comfortable holding my girl's hand in public. Privacy is one thing...hiding is another.



I don't trust corporate America. I don't trust society as a whole to be generous and understanding. And while I can fight a few waggling tongues...l can't fight everyone. Since this new relationship, I have come out to some people at work. And I am much more affectionate in public with my girl then I ever was with my ex.



I thought I had answers to a lot of these questions. But...I can't help but feel more responsible than I once did. I'm not sure where all the lines are. I feel...stupid for not thinking of all of this sooner. I think, partly, I wanted to hold myself apart a little. I didn't want to become a stereotype. I just wanted to be me and I convinced myself that such a thing meant not becoming radicial. I haven't done protests or rallys or...well...anything in a group setting. all of my battles have been one on one. Or through my writing. But I have been afraid to come that far out into the open. Afraid of rejection from my peers...as well as a lack of acceptance from those that are already around me.



I don't have a great ending for this post. I'm just rethinking things. I can't yell at Joss about responsibility and not weigh my own.



And this new person in my life, she inspires me.

[kukalaka]

mariacomet:

I couldn't imagine having a girlfriend and not being out, but with the possible exception of my father everyone who's really important to me is very open-minded. I really woudn't know what to do in your situation. That's not very helpful, is it *hugs*





I told my mother today (that I'm sure I'm not straight, that is)! And, well, she just is the greatest I love her so much.



She said she had suspected something before, but had stopped thinking about it when I got a boyfriend, and that she'd be open to everything. (And that she'd actually like having another daughter ) She also told me not to worry about my father as he'll just have to accept it. After all I'm his one and only daughter, that he loves very much, so he doesn't have much of a choice



I'm probably the happiest person in the world right now



Thanks again Lindy and everyone else,

Angie

--

It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. - Mark Twain

[Puff]

Mariacomet:



Hey love, no one can tell you who to come out to and who not to tell. You are the best judge of what your parents reaction will be and you should often trust your instincts. No one likes to lie and if you really feel like you have to tell your parents I suggest thinking about the right time and place to tell them. If you decide not to tell your parents then I know I respect that decision as well. Often people don't react how you think as well so basically take everything into account and really let your heart tell you what to do

-----------------------
You know, it's a real deal relationship and that's why people can relate to it
Amber Benson

[Lindy]

Woo Angie, that's really good news, I am happy for ya



Oh.. and here is the 'Hoo'

~~~~~~~
It's nothing. It's all.. nothing

[slayer747]

hey, sorry if i change the topic for thos ein a middle of a converstaion... forgive me.



just that an issue came between me and my friend that i told you about (the first one i came out too, if you remember)... anyway, we were talking in our hang-out last week and we came accross an article regarding a band's female vocalist. i said that the girl was gay (it's true.) and she said... "no. can't be. too pretty." i told her 'so what?' and she actually said "i would prefer her going out with those carrying the y chromosome." well, i can see how much she flinched at her own words, but i couldn't let the moment pass... i asked her what about me... she said, flat-out, "yes"...



my friend told me she'd prefer me going out with those carrying the Y chromosome. just... great



i never thought she was such a homophobic! after all that i shared with her, she has been holding that inside her, for like, what, weeks? damn.



why can't people just like me the way i am? why wouldn't anyone take me no other way than this.



sorry if this sorta got OT, but i need some words from you guys... be it that i'm overreacting or i'm really hopeless.

------------
"Sometimes things happen between people that you don't really expect. And sometimes the things that are important are the ones that seem the weirdest or the most wrong, and those are the ones that change your life." - Jessie "Once and Again"

[Ittybittykitty]

slayer747,

*HUGS*. Just remember that there are people who accept you and love you for who you are as a person, and not who you date. If you would like to talk feel free to email me or IM me.

Shameless plug- Read my fic 7th Hellvan. It isn't half bad:)! "Innerbed".

[kukalaka]

*hugs, too*



You know, I'd probably take that as a chance to change someone just by being me. I mean, I don't think it's possible to maintain this attitude if you see a good friend of yours being happy for years. Or maybe I'm just very optimistic and naive.



I know you probably feel betrayed, but I really think you should try and make her understand just by being who you are.

--

It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. - Mark Twain

[Thanatopsis]

slayer747 *hugs* I totally understand how you feel. One of my best friends pulled something similar with me, though she told me in the same conversation I came out to her in. It still hurts like hell, not to mention sucks. Email me or IM me if you need to talk.

--------------------
Too many of us live desert lives. ~Charles de Lint

[mariacomet]

Firstly, thanks everyone for the warm wishes on my own adventure in coming out.



Encouragement is realy helpful at this point. *HUGS*



slayer747 said "why can't people just like me the way i am? why wouldn't anyone take me no other way than this"



I don't blame you at all for feeing bothered. In essense, she totally discounted in one sentence your sexuality, your struggles with your sexuality and your feelings. And she is not on the outside...you have been telling her things. And it turns out she didn't appreciate any of it.



I don't want to be too quick to judge...but if she can't get something that is such a huge part of you...CAN she really understand you at all? What she said from start to finish sounds pretty insenstive. Maybe she doesn't realize it. Or maybe she doesn't realize how important this is to you.



I don't have a GREAT support structure locally. For me personally, it's becoming more and more clear that I will need that as time goes on. I want to believe that there are people out there that will understand, support and love me no matter what. I just have to find them. I do...already have some people in my corner. (Thank you shira...as always)



Anyway...*HUGS*



I think you being upset was way justified....