When did you know

[Magrat70]

I knew I was gay fairly early on. I think it was the fact that all my friends had posters of Duran Duran on their walls while I was lusting after Kim Wilde sort of gave it away . See I have always had this things for curvy, blue eyed, blondes with full lips

These five words in my head scream "are we having fun yet?"

Chad Kroeger

[kukalaka]

Quote:

---

All my life I've looked at women as companions, beautiful, awe inspiring and sexy. I've looked at men like fellow human beings who are sometimes fun to play with.

---

Perfectly put, Verdant. That's true for me, too. I just can't understand why it took me so long to get a clue



Edited to bump this as we have a lot of new Kittens and I'm hoping for more stories.

Edited by: kukalaka  at: 9/13/02 6:33:39 am

[girlofp]

well i loved barbies and dolls.. but i def. remember playing with my cousin and her barbie would always get ken, my barbie would always get another barbie! haha.. i had lesbian barbies.. oh the memories.. ken would always catch them.. it was more of a joke and then i remember one sunday in church (yes, in church) i shook hands with the woman behind me (i was 12, she was like 40) and i was struck.. i fell head over heels for her, i still see her when my mother forces me to attend mass with her and i have to laugh. i dated boys until my sophomore year of high school and my friends never understood, and still don't, why nothing ever became serious. apparently my whole high school knew because that's all people were talking about (i went to a small small school... 80 people in my graduating class). but i never understood why they came to that conclusion, i wore skirts and dresses throughout high school, always with the makeup and hair... maybe i tried to cover too much! haha.. i still haven't come out to any of my high school friends... i have kissed two girls and they are the only people that really know for sure... even thought everyone thinks they know everything...

to p: "I'm only here tonight because of you. You are the reason I am. You are all my reasons. Thank You." A Beautiful Mind

[Sweetjane]

i have always known i was 'different' and even in primary school i accepted not to say anything. but it my mind , it didn't register as my different sexuality until years later obviously.



looking back , i always liked girls in a certain way , and never understood all their comments and chasing after the boys.this was another point when i realised i was different. from the age of about 6 i knew i 'liked' my best girlfriend in a way no one else seemed to. i wanted to be best friends with her always and i got jealous when the boys would mess with her as she was the cute , tanned , tall girl in my small school at that time.



so i always knew i had feelings , but i didn't know that they would shape my life and societies view of me , i didn't know they had a name. that kind of thing . over the years , me and my best friend would play games where we were 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' , this went on for years , during which time i had my first kiss .



into my early teens i aknowledged i feelings and put them down to hormones , and i , like others , thought it was just a phase i was going through - that meant i was in denile for years. it really wasn't until i was 17 i actually realised that i could have a happy life , this was after about 4 years of clinical depression and two bouts of therapists. it's ok , i don't have to deny myself happiness or lie to myself , i finally settled with being gay.



and here i am. TA DA!

"....we got high on travel and we got drunk on alcohol , and on love , the strongest poison and medicine of all" - Joni Mitchell

[Amymlc]

Well, to be honest, I really have no clue what I am. I don't think I'm a "lesbian," I just happened to fall in love with a girl. It really has nothing to do with someone's gender to me. I fall in love with the person, I think. I guess that makes me bisexual, right? But I've only really been "IN LOVE" (if you don't count the teenage boys I had "puppy love" for) once, so I guess I could be a "lesbian." I really have no idea where I fit. I try not to put too many labels on myself because I always end up disappointing too many people, and myself, when that label gets a little too tight or falls right off. My whole life I thought I was "straight" because that is what has been hammered into my head since I took my first breath of air. It wasn't until my best friend and I fell in love two years ago that I thought I might be otherwise. So I guess I really have no idea what I am, except in love. Hahaha...gosh that was cheesy wasn't it? Anyway...cool thread.

They were right, I'm a homo--But I'm a Cheerleader

[kukalaka]

When did I really know?



Last night. I couldn't sleep and decided to try a different approach:



I tried really hard to find something to indicate that I'm not gay. Couldn't think of anything.



Since I already found tons of clues indicating that I am gay, I'm about as sure as you can get without RL-experiences.



Feels good

--

It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. - Mark Twain

[Triscuit7]

I kinda fit in the forever and always crowd. I knew I was different when I was a child. And this was in 1960s small town WV which has a lot of room for different. In 1967-68 loved Emma Peel, Catwoman and to a much lesser extent Batgirl. And I knew it was love. My first crush was on the girl next girl: I was ten, she was in high school.



I kissed a boy for the first time in 1972 and well, I haven't ever done this but, it was like kissing a fish. That erotic. His name was Bill and we went on little mini-dates to the movies and to school dances. We were 14 and often had my younger brother with us.



In 1973 a new girl moved to town. Her name was Charlotte but her nickname was Charlie. She was sweet, didn't know anyone, and well, we became friends. My first real honest to god friend-friend of the type that you have sleepovers with, talk stuff with, and well, it became a bit more. None of the high school boys were interested in her and this was a switch from her previous school. I don't really know who touched who first, and I don't remember our first kiss, but I remember helping her trim a Christmas tree that year and having her brush past me repeatedly. The sleepovers became more than just friends chatting.



I wish I could say it ended well, but I can't. It threatened to spill out of the bedroom and I ended it rather viciously. For which almost 30 years later I have many regrets.



I stepped back into the closet and slammed the door. I dated Bill for the rest of high school and the first semester of college. And can I say, how hard I tried to be straight even as I looked at other women? He gave me an engagement ring for a Xmas present (1976) and I held it in my hand and knew it was a trap. It's probably why I hate the idea of rings as Xmas/birthday presents. I didn't want it, I didn't love him, but I took it and kept it for a while. I broke things off by the end of Jan. and he asked for it back in early May. He was married by the end of the summer.



And I was free. Sort of. Still WV, still closeted, but there were possibilities again. I had a crush on my new best friend who it turned out was relentlessly straight. And after a year in England, I was in Philadelphia. More straight women, more crushes. And one opportunity with another best friend that I passed up. Martha was married, I was out to her, we were both drunk, and she made a pass. Somehow good sense stopped me, somehow I realized that satisfying her curiosity was not the way to further our friendship or satisfy my emotional needs. She was great, loved to tease, and totally aided and abetted my crushes.



In 1984 with her encouragement I went to my first LGBTF meeting and met my first honest to god lesbians. That summer I met Darcy and what can I say, but it's been a good 18 years.



Ciao, Melissa

**********************


I brought marshmallows!

[lustandrhymeremover]

I honestly can't say that I always knew, because I just never really thought about it until recently. Looking back, however, I guess it was kind of obvious. When we played make believe, I was always the boy dragon, unicorn, lion, whatever. My styalized Barbie (My sister and I tried to pierce her various body parts with toenail clippers) ended up sharinga condo in the sink with Cindy while Joe hung around being cool (poor sap, could never get his undies off).



I never really had a crush on a guy except the ones I forced because all of my other friends liked the boys at our school. Somehow, it never occured to me that the guys I liked were as close as you can get to a girl without surgery. (I think at least one guy, probably more, even came out later). I do remember thinking it was odd that my friends all went to the movies to see the latest heartthrob guy, but I went to the movies to see the actress I really liked.



So by the time I got to the kitten board, I was having doubts. Then I saw the people here, the W/T relationship on Buffy, and I just said "ta heck with it!". I guess that makes my story a little less interesting than somes with no epiphanies or falling head over heels with the perfect girl, but it works for me

A thousand monkeys with a thousand typewriters would eventually come up with a season better than 6

[sweetmisery21]

I don't really know yet. I'm still in the confused state at 21. Am I attracted to males? Yes. Am I attracted to females? Yes. Although, I do find myself more attracted to females than males. I guess this would most likely make me bi. I first realized that I was attracted to girls after I graduated high school. However, I'm sure there was times through out high school that if I were to think about it that I would realize that I did like girls. Maybe I didn't want to come to terms with the feelings because of my friends from high school. I went to a small high school and almost everyone there were very close-minded. Anyways, the point is I'm still trying to figure it out.

[friskylez]

Im kinda glad this thread is back, in some ways id imagine it does help figure out "who you are" to know "when you were"..



I can relate to alot of whats been said, Im sure others do as well..Its pretty amazing to find out you are not the only one

Thats whats so great about this board

Tara "Every time I.. even when I'm at my worst ... you always make me feel special. how do you do that?"
Willow "Magic "

[lilac8wine]

I guess when i was around 13 or 14 (im 17 now) i noticed that i was attracted to girls. The thing is, is that if someone hadn't have told me that women falling in love with other women was wrong, i would have never have hid the fact that i had crushes on girls and stuff like that. But it was pointed out to me, but i knew that it couldt be wrong. It didnt feel wrong at all. And i live by the fact that you cant control who you fall in love with. It just happens.

I hope this makes sense when i try and explain this. I dont consider myself to be bisexual or a lesbian. Ever since i saw that film Lost and Delirious, it really influenced me to change my thoughts on my own sexuality. When Paulie the main character has this exchange with Mouse.



Mouse: Paulie listen to me! Tori is not a lesbian, so you should just forget about her, ok??

Paulie: Lesbian? Lesbian?? Are you @$#*ing kidding me?? You think im a lesbian??

Mouse: Your a girl in love with a girl, arent you??

Paulie: No!! Im Paulie in love with Tori, remember? And Tori is...she is in love with me because, she is mine and i am hers and neither of us are lesbians!!!!!!!



I like the fact that i am just who i am. I can fall in love with whoever i want, and i dont need to have to justify it to anyone, it is just love. I believe that, thats all that it is, love. Thats all i want and all that i care about.

I appreciate that the term lesbain is something that should be celebrated, i celebrate it, but personally for myself, what Paulie said pretty much somes up how i feel.

Thanx for listening, i hope all that came out right.

[Yelowsub]

I was 15 when I realized that I liked girls (I'm 17 now). I will be very blunt and admit that I have been a smut fan for a while and realized that I enjoyed smut with women.



A year later I moved to a different town and developed a crush on my female lab partner in biology class.



Before this summer I thought that I could be a lesbian, but I developed a major crush on a guy. So I guess I'm still bi.



For now anyway :P Check back with me in a couple of years and we'll see if I have a different idea

Edited by: Yelowsub at: 9/16/02 1:05:56 pm

[kukalaka]

lilac8wine:

I understand you perfectly. I wouldn't swear on never falling in love with a guy, but I really think the chances are slim.



And that would make me a lesbian by pretty much anyone's definition (including my own). Which certainly wouldn't keep me from that guy if he should ever appear.



Love is such a special thing, it would be more than stupid to ignore it because of a label.

--

It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. - Mark Twain

[the vamp nurd]

5 words

sofa Louise Nurding on TV.

That's when I knew.

["you want me to feel sorry for you?"]

[earthlovinwicca]

well i am only 19 so i kinda accepted myself quite soon. when i was little i knew i was different. just did not know why. when i was about 11/12 i started to notice girls but denided i have feeling for them. as a young teenager i pretended to like the boys when really i had no intrest in them at all. when i was 14 i fell for my best friend at the time and that was when i really knew. until i was 16 i carried on lieing to myself and slept with men just to try and keep up the act. then i met a girl who i went out with for a year and really accepted who i am. i have been 'out' for 2/3 years and have never been happer with myself.

Edited by: earthlovinwicca at: 9/16/02 5:17:26 pm

[browneyedgirl]

I consciously realized I was gay when I was around twelve (the nerd that I am, I went to my public library and checked out books on the subject).



As I look back now, I realize I've always known on at least some level. I look back to things I liked when I six or seven without knowing why (like the fact that I LOVED Madonna) and realize that I was SO FRIGGIN' GAY even as a little girl. It still amazes me that my mom was surprised when I came out to her in high school ( She still says now, "How was I to know, you were always so girly, wearing pink and playing with dolls." Apparently she's blocked out the parts where I always played sports, heh).

Edited by: browneyedgirl at: 9/16/02 5:49:29 pm

[Consolata]

I knew when I was 16. I met this girl co-worker at my first job and it was love at first sight. I was undeniably infatuated with her. Over the course of several months we became really great friends and I felt like a liar so one day I told her I thought I was bi and she was like there's no such thing as bi and then a few days later I told her I was gay and in love with her (real smooth) and she stopped talking to me and I stopped eating and showering and basically shut down and in one of my cry-moan-why me sessions I spilled my guts to the girl that would become my first girl-friend/lover. I'm 24 now and the whole sexuality thing is mutable for me. I prefer females and at the same time I wouldn't let a great guy go by.

dear God, I'm here..I'm here.

[slayer747]

i've always had enormous crushes on girls ever since i was young. i never really analyzed those feelings (totally in denial) and thought that it was a phase (a phase that lasted for like, ever since i learned how to breathe ) but then i entered the university and got involved in women's studies, i thought at first that i was just a plain feminist, but then i met this girl, and all the dreams i've had before (dreams that included me and another person in a head-over-heels-in-love setting) suddenly made sense. i mean, i realized that there was this someone that i want to spend my life with, and then i met her and that person took on a physical form. that's how i knew. i guess i always had, but it was until i met her that i confirmed it... i know that the one person for me is a woman, and that woman be her, and that she's give me a chance...

------------
"Sometimes things happen between people that you don't really expect. And sometimes the things that are important are the ones that seem the weirdest or the most wrong, and those are the ones that change your life." - Jessie "Once and Again"

[mscheckmate]

When I was three, I had a crush on my ballet teacher, Sue.



During elementary school, I was madly in love with one or two boys, along with a whole slew of girls. But I dated guys, not girls, in high school and college. I thought that the reason the relationships didn't work out was because I just hadn't found the right man yet. And heterosexuality seemed much safer. My parents and my religion didn't approve of homosexuality, and I thought maybe I could make it work with some nice guy, and avoid all of the trauma that coming out would surely bring. So, I basically wasted my twenties trying to be straight, even though, deep down, I knew I was living a lie.



Finally coming out (at age 31) was incredibly liberating. I should have done it a lot sooner.

Xander: "Tara, nice axing." Tara: "My first."

Edited by: mscheckmate at: 9/17/02 2:02:29 am

[jeepchick scully]

Haha, this may sound weird but I finally figured it out after watching Ellen DeGeneres come out...that was when I was in 6th grade. I always kinda knew that I liked girls but I never actually understood what it meant. It was pretty funny because after the end of the show I said to myself, "hey, that's me."

[mocha fiend 22]

i knew in 8th grade when i found myself looking at girls and thinking god shes cute or what a nice body. it wasn't till i started being attracted to Kellie Martin on E.R. so then i kind of knew. i put like it all together, me always playing with the guys never liking the guys in that special way and most of all the whole being excited when seeing girls kiss and yea i knew. but it was sort of like maybe im not or i am i was confused but know im in 11 grade and i really do know now and im happy with myself.

The word "gulp" comes to mind.

[slayer747]

OMG!!! Kellie Martin? You had a crush on Kellie Martin? ME too! Damn I cried a whole week when her character, Lucy, died!



geeze, that was a really long time ago...

------------
"Sometimes things happen between people that you don't really expect. And sometimes the things that are important are the ones that seem the weirdest or the most wrong, and those are the ones that change your life." - Jessie "Once and Again"

Edited by: slayer747  at: 9/19/02 10:47:40 pm

[Indygo]

I never had a thing for Kellie Martin myself, but I remember having to console my flatmate for hours after that character died. I never watched ER, but I had to sit there the whole ep and hold her hand...



I know this character helped her to figure out she was gay. It seems to have done that for quite a few people!



Indygo

[Saturnine]

oh gads I love Kellie Martin. I was so upset when Lucy died.

And, um, for a normally pretty perceptive person it took me 19 years to figure out that i'm gay. so it seems i'm only perceptive when it comes to other people

[JulesP600]

I knew for cetain about two months ago......slow to pick up on things you know!



I had crushes on girls before but I just wouldn't admit it to myself....silly me. The first real one was when I was about 14, one of my friends, I just couldn't stop thinking about her.



Sometimes the most obvious things are hard to see aren't they? Or is that just me?

The only way to have a friend is to be one

[Zippy]

I've always liked girls.



I experimented with hetrosexuality at 6th form & 1st year uni, like you do, but it was just a passing phase, I soon got over the thrill headed back to girlstown.

-------
Paint the whole world with a rainbow

[Taz]

It never occured to me that I was gay, I just really loved this woman and it seemed that being with her was the answer. I think I'm 98% gay but I leave 2% for Denzel Washington, Heath Ledger and Will Smith. I plan to be with my wife until I'm old and gray but, if something were to happen to her, I don't think I could ever be with another woman. All in all, I think girlies are the way to go.

I refuse to believe that this is all. ~~Xiren Everything

[kukalaka]

That kinda calculation wold make me 99.3333333333333% gay



And I should really go to bed now or my posts will become even more stupid

--

It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. - Mark Twain

[slayer747]

just wanna add, that there were already signs since i was six... i would be grounded for doing a favor for our pretty neighbor (i'd go and get my mom's cassette tapes for her... and one day, i got caught) oh, well...

------------
"Sometimes things happen between people that you don't really expect. And sometimes the things that are important are the ones that seem the weirdest or the most wrong, and those are the ones that change your life." - Jessie "Once and Again"

[Thespia]

Thought I had answered this already, but I hadn't.



Well, the only time I recall being interested of someone of the opposite sex was when I was 4, I guess. He was a cute little boy, named Paulo.



From that time on, all the crushes I remember having were on girls (I think he really must have been a special little boy... ) So, I guess I 'always' knew. I definitely got it at 8 when I fell in love with a classmate. She was a year older than me and, it seemed to me, so much wiser and more beautiful. Looking back now, she wasn't really anything special. Most of the characters that appealed to me on TV were female characters, like Jamie Sommers, Sabrina Duncan, Samantha Stevens and even on cartoons like Sapphire (manga). At 12, I fell in love again and, man, that was deep. I never really acted upon the feelings, because I was too terrified of the response I could (would) get. I remember her face to this day, so much was I in love with her back then.



My first real experience was at 17, when I fell for a woman who was 25. It was reciprocal and we ended up together for glorious 11 years. We didn't lived happily ever after as we thought we were bound to, it's all good as we are friends today.



I guess the worst in all this was living with fear of being 'found out' by the people I should be the most comfortable with, my parents. It makes me really sad that we had to go through all that and that we cannot fix the past. But the best part is that I never felt bad for being a lesbian one single day of my life and I count that as one of my few 'sources of strenght' because I am so insecure and shy in other areas of my life... I guess I was just born a damn proud lesbian, who knows?



Its really nice reading the old and new answers to this thread. Warm and fuzzy feeling here.