These aren't Lesbian jokes - they're just famous and not so famous quotes. But funny...
1. "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house."
* Steven Seagal
(2) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun
with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
* Jeff Foxworthy
(3) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."
* Robin Williams
(4) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base."
* Dave Barry
(5) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
* Marilyn Pittman
(6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay,
and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
* Bob Ettinger
(7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach
you how to swim."
* Paula Poundstone
(8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Uh, duh!"
* Conan O'Brien
(9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness. . I could be eating a slow
learner."
* Lynda Montgomery
(10) "The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out
with a riding vacuum cleaner."
* Roseanne
(11) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold
enough. Let's go west.'"
* Richard Jeni
(12) "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would
be dead."
* Johnny Carson
(13) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
* Paul Rodriguez
(14) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and
that's the law."
* Jerry Seinfeld
(15) "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people
burn slower?"
* Warren Hutcherson
(16) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
* Oscar Wilde
(17) "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution
yet."
* Mae West
(18) "Suppose you were an idiot . . . And suppose you were a member of
Congress . . . But I repeat myself."
* Mark Twain
(19) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Kuwait."
* A. Whitney Brown
(20) "Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet,"
* Robin Williams
(21) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only time of the month that I can be myself."
* Roseanne
(22) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
* Dave Barry
(23) "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
* George Carlin
(24) "When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in
her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."
* Author Unknown
(25) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and
"Keep away from children"
(26) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group
for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
* Drew Carey
And now - some jokes....
Shipwrecked
A girl gets shipwrecked. When she wakes up, she's on a beach.
The sand is purple. She can't believe it. The sky is purple.
She walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on the purple trees.
She's shocked when she finds that her skin is starting to turn purple too.
"Oh no!" she says, "I think I've been marooned!"
=====*=====
Mad, Indeed
Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The other cow replied, "I ain't worried."
"Why not?" asked the first.
"Because it don't affect us ducks," answered the other cow.
=====*=====
Gourmet Cooking
Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from sports to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way, 'Take a clean dish and...'"
=====*=====
Since You Put It That Way...
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.
However, the distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid.
The collections manager for the distributor called the customer and left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call from the customer who said, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
=====*=====
"The Reunion"
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why, of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another
round to Ireland."
"Of course," says the second.
Curious, the first asks: "Where in Ireland?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."
"Of course" The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you
attend?" "Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in union.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"
And finally - an on-topic (kinda) joke...
A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole.
He congratulates her in the parking lot then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning.
On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over and she gives him the best kiss he's ever had.
The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home, and again she shows her appreciation.
This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel.
Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about, but eventually she admits the reason.
"You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite."
He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion.
"I'm sorry," she repeats.
"You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!!"
bzengo
Robert A. Heinlein The Earth is too fragile a basket in which to keep all your eggs.
Prof. Gerard K. O'Neill Is the surface of the Earth really the right place for an expanding technological civilization?
by the vamp nurd » Mon Mar 17, 2003 5:26 am 
lol...anyway
Pax! -Bev 
and 
and 
and 
at that one. 
at: 4/3/03 8:31:37 pm
, havent been around for AGES wot with uni (changing courses again!!) and gettin a girlfriend YAY
