Coming Out Stories

[tiredsoul]

Pipsqueak,



Well you made me that much better knowing that someone else goes through the incredible wackiness known as our brains. While most people say they always knew, there are also many who never realized it, or they could never face it because of upbringing or peer pressure.

---------------------------------

"That was just rude. Now I forget what I was saying."

Edited by: tiredsoul at: 8/30/03 7:47 pm

[Pagan singer]

Pipsqueak,



If you don't know yet, don't try to put a tag on your feelings. You've got time to discover who (men or women) your heart needs to belong to.

I know we all need to put words on what we are and the way we feel towards others, but you don't have to do it right away if you don't know whether you're gay or not.



You might also be bisexual, and even if this word is often wrongly assimilated to "people who date men and women because they like to experiment a lot", it's not. Some girls have true feelings for both.. The thing is, after a while, very often in their lives comes a time when they realize that they have more crushes on men, or on women, and usually decide that this is what makes them lesbians or straight. Most of the times it also happens when they have finally found and settled for good with THE special someone they were looking for.



Just wait for your next love story, don't try to take and exclusively follow one path or the other if you're not sure which one you prefer yet. It doesn't have to be about a specific gender you're attracted to, but just about specific people: Just let your heart decide who next it's gonna be in love with.. or attracted to.. Take it one day at a time if you're confused. And chances are that, after a while, you'll know for sure whether you are lesbian, bisexual, or a straight girl who happens to think that women are gorgeous!

Take care



And a big hug to everyone..

[orion]

Pipsqueak,

While I can't offer you any advice, because I'm basically at the same point, I can offer to listen if you ever feel venty again. and I can say, absolutely don't start stressing or worrying about it because that means I have to worry about me and I really can't do that anymore.....

My current solution is right NOW I'm more attracted to women, but I'm not ruling out ever dating men again...because you never know



Favorite quote from the movie "Happy Campers"

Taila:"Pixel are you a lesbian?"

Pixel:"Wow, I didn't know I had to declare a major."



IM me if you want to vent AIM: isabel stetson

[slayer747]

pipsqueak,



i know how bothering that situation could be and, actually, that was me about a year ago. and i, too, was afraid to jump into conclusions... and if you are not sure, don't rush. as for myself, i label myself "lesbian" since it is a group of people i could relate to (regarding life and love, etc) but it doesn't really matter, i think the most important label above everything is "i am.", i'm not sure if i am saying this right but i sure hope you get my point.



i also want to add that not because you think you are gay now it makes your previous feelings towards boys unreal. i did fall for a guy before and i will never deny that, only that things are different for me now. and now, i am in love with a girl, so basically, i am just a person who falls in love with another (though i am pretty sure that even if i fell for a guy before, i know that i wouldn't be able to give myself completely to a guy... there were certain limitations for my feelings for him, like the thought of me kissing him irks me... when it comes to girls, that's another story )



so, just hang in there, sweetie. and true friends really don't mind. they might get shocked at first, but they'll get over it and then all the time you'll spend with them with be a blast... trust me. my friend is even helping me now get to know the girl i'm in love with ( i mean, she keeps tracks of her skeds now so she could tell me... yay!)



everyone,



thanks for always listening to me... and just so you guys know... i'm in love and i know things may turn out well, bad. but i'm glad i am... and i am happy. i've never been better for the past few months. *lovestrucksigh*

------------
"Sometimes things happen between people that you don't really expect. And sometimes the things that are important are the ones that seem the weirdest or the most wrong, and those are the ones that change your life." - Jessie "Once and Again"

Edited by: slayer747  at: 8/19/02 9:54:47 pm

[Ittybittykitty]

I'm mostly out, but i can't seem to come out in my tae kwon do class. It's just kinda weird.



Last night someone asked me if i had a boyfriend, and I'm like, no I don't have a boyfriend........[



b]ARGH!![/b]



OK done with my small rant.

[Pipsqueak]

tiredsoul, Pagan, orion, and slayer747,



Thanks so much for your replies. I do feel a bit better now; I was just a bit down after the weekend. It makes me feel so much better that other people have gone through the same thing! My main problem is that I'm not interested in anyone right now, male or female, so I'm having to deal with this stuff very abstractly, instead of saying "oh, I like so-and-so, therefore I'm [straight/gay/bi]". Anyway, no rush. No worries. It'll all be figured out in due time. Thanks again for your support!!

~~~~~~~~


"We're just ... stupid." -- Buffy, on Season 6
Check out my Buffy videos at http://www.pipsqueaky.com

[ari23]

As I post this, I'm realizing it's been a while since I last posted. Oh well. Somehow a mention of martial arts always drags me in.



Ittybittykitty: I sympathize, I really do. Even if it's only a little rant, I've always found martial arts environments to be ones where it's really hard to make admissions. They're also a sort of place where you get nervous about doing anything that might make people feel uncomfortable around you. But that doesn't mean people there would necessarily be less accepting.



I've sort of been staying away from saying anything in this thread, because, well, I'm not even sure what my issues are. I've been reading it because it seems as though the problems a lot of you are facing parallel the ones I face, too. Parents in denial, friends acting strangely, friends in denial. Sigh.



Oops. I meant this to be a sympathy thing, and it turned into a bit of a confessional. But the point really was that I sympathize, and I've grown up with martial arts, and if you want to talk about it, my email address is public.





-Ari

[saule77]

Hi guys,



I am going through quite a lot at the moment re: my coming out and I thought I might as well share it with people who will understand...



I'm 24, never kissed a girl before I was 20. I never felt that I was really attracted to girls before that. I'm not one of those who can say "I always knew". Granted, if you want to go into the stereotype thing, I was playing football with the boys in the playground and I owned 1 doll in my entire existence. I was a bit of a tomboy but as you all know, it doesn't mean anything.



I came to me gradually and when I decided to explore this (new to me) side of my personality, I met my first (and to the day only) girlfriend. I had just moved to Ireland and started working there. We were together for 2 years and although I live abroad and most of my friends live back home, I came out to all of them when I saw them. Mot of them were surprised but very supportive.



My friends in Ireland all know, I was out to all my colleagues I socialised with on a regular basis and they were all cool about it. One of them actually came out right after me!



The big hurdle was still ahead though: the parents. I never told them about C. when we were going out and I know they weren't suspecting anything (why does that sound like I was commiting a crime?). But I wanted to be honest with them so as I was on holidays at home 2 weeks ago, I told them.



The thing is, although I don't like labels, I see myself as being bisexual. I told my parents so. Worst possible mistake. I knew they wouldn't be too happy about it but to say they didn't take it very well would be an understatement although I suppose some of you kittens got an awful lot worse.

I will not dwell on the treatment I received, words exchanged (rather nasty on their part, then no words at all). OK, I will.





RANT



My mum to my dad: "See, we failed everything" then

"It's against nature" - "It's a sin" (they're kinda Catholic in that way that they're not very open-minded as you can see) - "It's what we abhorr above all" - "How can you do that?" - "That's not the way you were brought up" - "Can't you just repress it?" - "What will people think?" etc...



END OF RANT





At one point, I thought we'd have to take my Mum to hospital she was hyperventilating that much. It actually scared me. She was kinda trying to be suppoto gal but then she couldn't look at me, didn't talk to me for 48 hours... My mum locked herself in her bedroom one afternoon and suddenly, all you could hear in the house was " I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T" (i.e. accept it). When she had calmed down and eventually got out , I did something I'd never done before: I asked if she loved me. The only answer I got was "Give me time. Give me time and give me hope" (in reference to the whole bisexual - hopefully I'll still marry a guy and give her 2.4 grandchildren - thing).





So right now, I'm in a not so bright place but at least I'm away from them, I'm financially independent and most importantly, I'm old enough and strong enough to cope. I just think it's a shame they took it so badly.



They will probably come round after a while. I'll give them time, I'll give them space. But I'm not giving them hope. Not hope of what THEY want anyway. Because that'd be denying a great part of who I am. My sexuality doesn't define me (although they admitted it was their opinion) but it's a part of me I will not "repress", no matter what.



When I saw the state my mum was in, I almost said "Sorry". Sorry for causing you so much pain. But I knew that if I did, they would take it as an apology for what / who I am and that's something I refused to do. So I bit my tongue. Again.



Now, it's small talk on the phone, for the sake of my 12 year old brother who is quite weirded out by all this. I love him to bits and I wouldn't care half as much if it wasn't for him.





That's pretty much it.





Love and hugs and puppies to all the Kittens!!

Double love and hugs and puppies to all the Kittens going through a tough time. I'm sorry I haven't read all the posts in this thread (I kinda skimmed throught before posting) but my heart is with you all.



******************************************

You can tell it's not gonna have a happy ending when the main guy's all bumpy (Tara in "Crush")

[Ittybittykitty]

Thanks ari23, it's nice to hear I'm not the only crasy martial artist out there! hehe...he. :devil Ok kinda off topic that was.



*HUGS!*



PS- De-lurking is a great feeling, do it more often! We all love to hear what you have to say

[Spikeizmine87]

I just wanted to post something really quick. Ive been telling more people that Im gay now and its been making things better. I now have the confindence to tell close friends. I only wish I had the self esteem to tell my family. But not to worry, friday Im going to hottopic to get a pride shirt, and im gonna wear it all day!



-Rose

[PandoraSpocks]

Wow, I can relate to so much of what you are all saying. I am however I'm happy and glad to say that I'm in a calm state of mind for the present. I have been for a while, you all help everyday. I'm still not sure if I'm gay or not, but it doesn't matter. I know this state of mind won't last, it comes in waves, but I'll enjoy it while it's here and fight to stay above the current when it's not.



I don't think I've ever thought that there was anything wrong with homosexuality, it always seemed in my mind right. It has always been the not knowing that drives me crazy, not that it would make a difference in my love life, since I don't prosue either way.



Pipsqueak- so much of what you say rings a bell. It seems like there is force inside of you that makes you want to blurt out what your feeling, in the hopes that your friends can help. It's hard dealing on your own. I wish I had the kittens on-line all the time.





Does anyone have any idea where Willowmere lives in Canada, if your around Willowmere is it in B.C.

I've been worried since I read her post. Your definitly not alone as you see, there's alot of us still trying to figure things out. Take care



Congrads, for your courage Slayer747, you've found your way



Good luck to all the rest of the kittens, we're a strong lot, because we never travel alone

Tara: "I am, you know" Willow: "What?" Tara: "Yours" (Hearts a Flutter)

Edited by: PandoraSpocks at: 8/20/02 5:44:55 pm

[vix84]

Hey Saule77, I just wanted to thankyou for posting your experience. I hope you're dealing with all the crap they're giving you, and still smiling



I'm basically in the process of coming out to my parents, and your response sounded remarkably like the scene I've been imagining for a while.



So, thanks again, and good luck!

[saule77]

Hey vix84,



I really hope your parents' reaction won't be as bad. I'm still smiling !!

If any Kitten want to talk, IM me, I promise I'll answer.

you all!



**************************************

You can tell it's not gonna have a happy ending when the main guy's all bumpy (Tara in "Crush")

[Willowmere]

I'm still here.



And I live in Ottawa.

Email me anytime.

[pikachu1060]

Hey everyone,



I think i've got a little issue here. Usually, when i have to spend some time with some people, i come out straight away, cause it kinda bother me to have to lie for a long time. But here's the deal: I'm in italy for 10 days, at my father's cousin and with her family... I've been here last year too, and i soo wanted to tell her, but back then, i was more cautious. So i kinda investigated first, trying to find out what her opinion about this was. And what i found out disappointed me so damn much. See, my father's cousin is like the coolest woman on the earth: she's funny and she takes great care of me when i'm here on holidays. She takes me out, introduces me to loads of cool people and i always have fun. But she's so totally homophobic!! Last year, i don't remember exactly what we were saying, but i kinda asked her "what if i was a lesbian?" In the context, it really didn't give me away. Anyway she answered that she would kick me out right away... I think it was kind of a stupid joke, but anyway, i know that she wouldn't like it at all. So, last year, i figured out it was better not to tell anyone here. But here i am again, and you know what... She told me that it has been too long since the last time i had a boyfriend (duh!) and she's planning to find me one! But see, she's really nice and all, but that's just the kinda woman that won't take no as an answer.

I really would like to tell her (maybe she'd find me a girlfriend then... lol), but i'm so afraid of how she might react. I don't get why people here are so homophobic, cause it's not just her, it's everyone... Well, guys here are really macho-like, and i think that a lesbian is a threat to their virility, and the women just stick to what guys think...

Anyway, what do you think i should do about it?

Chris
------------------
There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands
You seek problems because you need their gifts
Richard Bach - Illusions

[saraben]

Hey Chris,



This ain't advice - I don't think we ever know enough about other peoples' lives to offer advice... But I've been out since I was an early teen. Made life simpler in lotsa ways. I get accused of making an unnecessary deal about being lesbian, but I'd rather folks knew most of the important things about me soon as possible.



I'm white, twenty years old, goofy. One look at me tells anyone all that. People react different to me 'cos of me being white, twenty and goofy without me having to tell 'em that's how I am. I'd rather we got over the "Gay, now" thing in the first few minutes too, elsewise a whole lotta misconceptions start getting built up that'll only need a whole lotta unpicking sooner or later...



Maybe some really cool people have avoided making friends with me 'cos those really cool people can't cope with me being gay. Well... guess that's just something I gotta live with and I sorta help that by wondering just how cool homophobia is anyhows...



But living simple isn't living low-cost...



Lotsa hugs and thoughts,



Sara

[lustandrhymeremover]

Really, for me, coming out was never something that happened officially. Once I had figured it out myself, I kinda figured "Cool, at least now I don't have to try to make up guys I think are cute or have a massive crush on." It was never the type of thing I yelled out in the hallway - but it's just part of who I am.



The way I see it, even if I were straight I wouldn't go up to people and say "Hey, nice to meet you. I'm straight." Though that could be interesting to hear. As for my parents - I'm pretty sure they figured it out for themselves about the same time I did. My mom kind of started slipping in things about whether there were any cute guys at school. I say no, so she asks if there are any cute girls.



I understand that for a lot of people it's a lot more important than that, and maybe it should be to me - but hey, I've always been so laid back about stuff I can pretty much be counted on not to have much of an overwhelming opinion. I tend to kind of acceppt that what people think is part of who they are. I've had people get that I'm into girls and back off like someone ripped the other gears out of their corvette, but that's their deal - not mine.



Wow, that got a lot more off-track and rambly than I meant for it to. So I guess the overall thing is, nobody is ever going to see everything the same. There'll always people who give you BS, no matter what race, orientation, or religion you are. The best thing I've found I can do about it is be who I am and know that I like what and who I do. And eventually my parents and most of my friends came to accept that. (Mind you, half those friends and family had outed me before I outed me.)

"Pronouns make it hard to keep our sexual orientation a secret when our co-workers ask us about our weekend. 'I had a great time with...THEM.' Great! Now they don't think you're queer, just a big slut!"-Judy Carter

[slayer747]

lustandrhymeremover,



amen!







oh, and thanks guys for your replies to my previous posts.

------------
"Sometimes things happen between people that you don't really expect. And sometimes the things that are important are the ones that seem the weirdest or the most wrong, and those are the ones that change your life." - Jessie "Once and Again"

[saraben]

Quote:

---

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.

---

[Willowmere]

My stepmother has decreed that I am no longer allowed to use the family's computer, whether she is at home or not.

So you won't be seeing much of me. I'll be hopping on from time to time at cybercafes and the library to keep my email account active and I'll pop in when I can.

I love you guys and I'll miss you all.

Hugs and kisses,

Willowmere. xoxo

[xita]

willowmere, that sucks, I hope you find ways of communicating with us and tellings us how you are.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Childie -"Not all girls are raving bloody lesbians, you know!"

George - "That's a misfortune of which I am perfectly well aware."

The Killing of Sister George

[tommo]

Willowmere, that's too bad. Stay safe though, okay? And perhaps you can get that writer's journal up and running again as a good sign of defiance.

----------
Here to help. Wanna live.

[Hush]

Today I told my best friend that I think I am gay, well the exacts words were: "I think I am not heterosexual" I know it's pathetic but I couldn't say the word lesbian. And do you know what she did? she gave a hug and told me she knew for some things I said one night I was really drunk, she was waiting for me to be ready to tell her.



I am not sure if I am gay, I am so confuse and I wanted to be sure before telling anyone but I just couldn't stand it anymore, I've been waiting too long and I needed someone to talk to. I am so happy to have told her, she was great, I think it's the best thing I have done in a long time, now I feel better.



Sorry for my rant and my english, I just wanted to explain this because maybe it helps a little some other kittens that are going through the same and I know that you don't know me, I am mostly a lurker, but the kitten board has helped me a lot, specially this thread, thank you very much to all of you

-----------

Todo lo que se ignora se desprecia - Antonio Machado

[tommo]

Oh Hush, that's great! It's always so wonderful to have someone on your side. I'm really pleased for you.

----------
Here to help. Wanna live.

[lustandrhymeremover]

Major congrats Hush! I know how great that is when your best friend is first in line to give you their support; it just makes everything easier.

"Pronouns make it hard to keep our sexual orientation a secret when our co-workers ask us about our weekend. 'I had a great time with...THEM.' Great! Now they don't think you're queer, just a big slut!"-Judy Carter

[emma peel]

Congrats, Hush. Your friend sounds very supportive.

Sometimes our own fear and fear of the unknown is what can hurt us the most.

Janice

PS

I remember one time a long time ago when I was still kinda dumb and questioning my own sexuality, I told someone "I know I'm not particularly straight." That was pretty lame, but I can laugh at myself about it now.

[maudmac]

Let me join in the congrats, Hush. I wish you the best. Your friend sounds like a good friend.



Y'know, when I came out to my mother, I did it the same way. "I'm not a heterosexual person." It's funny now, of course, to think of saying it that way. But the process of coming out is so tumultuous, I think it's only natural that a lot of us do it that way, so tentatively, in baby steps.



And, of course, it's not always a case of baby steps, because it's not like homosexual is the only alternative to heterosexual. If you're female and you know you're attracted to other females, being "not heterosexual" might be the only thing you can say until/unless you decide whether you're bi or a lesbian. If you even feel the need to make that determination.

---------------------------
I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; I will not refuse to do something I can do.---Helen Keller

[xita]

Hush that's great. It's so wonderful to have a good experience.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Childie -"Not all girls are raving bloody lesbians, you know!"

George - "That's a misfortune of which I am perfectly well aware."

The Killing of Sister George

[slayer747]

geez, i guess i never run out of stories, huh?



'cause here's another:



last saturday, after being held hostage for two hours taking that goddamn chem lab exam, me and my friend came in late for my social science class (she is not registered to take the class, she just sat in). as we've found out upon entering the lecture room, the class had an activity that revolved around Thomas Hobbes' view of Ethics/Morality. In the humongous white board in front of everyone written were the words: "Likes" on one column and "Abhor" on the other. And the students were asked to write what they like/abhor on the respective columns. and we were pretty much pissed off (especially me) to see the word "gays" written on the "Abhor" list which also contained the words "superficiality", "sarcasm", "lies", etc. and that since we were late, i couldn't write anything on the board anymore. and then to add insult to injury, i looked in the back only to see my classmate and her girlfriend looking really shy and sad. it was like, they were totally bashed. and i just couldn't take it, really, so when my professor (who is really cool, btw, and also a feminist) asked whether my friend and i would like to add our views on the list. well, as expected i didn't waste any of my time and took the pen from her and wrote "people who are honest with themselves and others" on the "Likes" list and wrote "HOMOPHOBIA" on the "Abhor" List (my friend went for "sweet" and "chem" respectively). well, i guess that just spoke volumes as some of ppl there got really quiet and i think i heard whispers, which of course, kind of pissed me off even more. but then i saw my classmate again and her girlfriend, not looking shy anymore, but pleased. and we just kind of smiled at each other, though what i really wanted to shout was: "we rule, sisters!"



well, their smiles would have been enough to make my day okay even though the other ppl in the class were already fuzzing. but then my professor kind of extended the discussion. she kind of said "so, remember guys, morality according to hobbes has nothing to do with the welfare of others. as long as it suits you, it is moral... however, today, morality is relative ... we must always consider other people and their feelings.... as human beings we are equal ... whatever it is that you choose to like or abhor is upon you, but be mindful that not everything in the world is black and white and we should always treat everyone nicely and fairly." but the striking thing about her whole speech was that all the while the words are coming out of her mouth, she was making seemingly random sketches with the pen that she was holding (which completely ran out of ink already), but if you pay attention, you will see that the word "Abhor" had some faint underline marks and an arrow leading to the word "HOMOPHOBIA" which was also kind of like faintly encircled. in short, she was on our side! woohoo!



so what has this whole story tells us about coming out, i guess that aside from i kind of like outed (or made myself 'mysterious') to around 50 ppl in the lecture room, it is that as long as we make ourselves clear, and that as long as we stand firm on our beliefs that there is nothing wrong with us, some people will see that as well. in this case, i got lucky, not only did some ppl see that, my professor even backed us up ('us' all the gay ppl in the class). i just really hope that more of them will emerge in this world, making the whole process of coming out easier, and helping ppl like us to no longer live in fear. but in order for them to emerge, we should be the ones to take the initial step.



(however, i do know how hard the struggle is, and i am not an expert on the whole 'coming out' and 'dealing with the homophobia' thing, neither am i saying that you should rush your coming out or do it the way i do... all i am trying to do here is to give hope to the others who are having a hard time. we do have our allies, guys. and these allies are sometimes the people that we least expect to side with us and support us. )





-Tiffany

------------
"Sometimes things happen between people that you don't really expect. And sometimes the things that are important are the ones that seem the weirdest or the most wrong, and those are the ones that change your life." - Jessie "Once and Again"

[stillflygrlop]

Just wanted to say in response to slayer's story that I'm glad life can be filled with happy surprises.



Also, there are some things that I've thought about for a long time, but never actually said. I guess I'd like some advice on it. Ever since I was little, I knew I liked girls. But, like other people have mentioned, I figured I just admired them and wanted to be like them. Now, I'm kind of at a crossroads. I'd always liked guys more simply because I didn't think girls were even a possibility (how wrong I was). I can imagine myself getting married to a guy and having a strictly platonic relationship, but that doesn't seem fair to either of us (and would probably be short-lived.)



On the other hand, when I discovered Willow and Tara, I though their relationship was the most natural thing in the world. It's like I finally found what I'd always wanted but couldn't ever put a finger on. However, thinking about coming out and my parents' reactions scares the living daylights out of me (they're really really really conservative and homophobic). I'm also pretty ambivalent about intimacy issues. There's one side of me that totally turns away from it, but another that feels strongly drawn to it. I'm like one big walking contradiction. I find myself thinking about this issue all the time....which is kind of funny because all this began since I visited this board.



Anyone else feel like this? Suggestions? *nervous smile*



Sometimes I just wish I had a girlfriend