Coming Out Stories

[kukalaka]

Quote:

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I think you being upset was way justified....

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Me too! I'm not sure my post expresses what I wanted to say. If you don't understand it, just forget about it please

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It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. - Mark Twain

[Cipher]

Quote:

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Originally posted by slayer747

i said that the girl was gay (it's true.) and she said... "no. can't be. too pretty." i told her 'so what?' and she actually said "i would prefer her going out with those carrying the y chromosome." well, i can see how much she flinched at her own words, but i couldn't let the moment pass... i asked her what about me... she said, flat-out, "yes"...



my friend told me she'd prefer me going out with those carrying the Y chromosome. just... great



i never thought she was such a homophobic!

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I don't think her making those statements indicate that she is necessarily homophobic. She may have preconceptions or a bias which can be improved, and you should probably talk with her about it and point out how you feel and perhaps educate her about things she might be mistaken about as the basis of her statements.



Maybe she is thinking that lesbians won't have children and is worried about "the gene pool" if someone so pretty doesn't pass on those genes (probably not very serious though). Of course being a lesbian doesn't mean you can't or won't have children of your own; that's a separate decision. Also notice that from the way you described it she seemed to be suggesting that you are pretty, which might be more the way she meant it than wishing-you-were-straight. But obviously her original statement about the vocalist bothers you, and I think you should talk to her about why you find it offensive.



You're interpreting her statements as meaning that she seriously would prefer that you date boys (and it can be reasonably read that way, but can also be read other ways). You seem to be taking that "preference" as disappointment that you are gay which is a somewhat more negative position than she indicated. In Rosie O'Donnel's recent interviews she said she would "rather" her children turn out straight (because life would be easier for them), but she also explained that she wants her children to be who they are. She wouldn't be disappointed in any way if they are gay, just concerned about the crap they might face from a homophobic society (which is a problem with society, not with them). Your friend probably has different reasons from Rosie but there is a similar distinction between a weak preference and actual disappointment when that preference isn't met.



There's also a big difference between prefering something for someone else, and trying to manipulate or interfere with things to make that preference come about. The former is just a feeling of hers she can't necessarily change; the latter would be blatantly inapprorpiate and disrespectful of your feelings for yourself (which are far more important than someone else's feelings of who you should be with--hopefully your friend already understands that). Some parents might prefer their children become doctors...well that's fine as long as they don't put undue pressure on them to follow the path the parents want; the ones who do pressure their kids to follow the parents' desires often make their kids miserable (and pressuring kids to be straight is even worse). Don't let her pressure you into being untrue to yourself to satisfy her preference for you, of course. But from what you described I don't get the feeling she would do that. Fortunately, even if she seriously would prefer you to date boys (and from what you described I'm not so sure she does), if she's really your friend and if you want to be her friend she probably can change how she feels about it, if you help her.



I suggest you look at this as an opportunity to reduce anti-gay bias and help your friend understand you better, rather than as a reason to lose a friend.

[slayer747]

cipher,



actually, that is what i've decided to do... maybe i was just too wigged by her statement but honestly, i did look at it that way (positively) and now i am trying to open up her mind about it, and i am really showing her that being gay does not make me less of a human being, actually i kind of making her know that it gave me a sense of understanding things better now... i mean, she told me not a long time ago that i am the most non-judgmental person she'd ever met (and that was before i came out to her) and i still think she means that... anyway, i guess i just allowed the cynical-self-pitying-not-to-mention-depressy part of me take over and over-reacted.



in fact, i think i am not only showing her that... i guess everytime we have discussions about the society in out humanities class, the lesbian in me shines and even without directly stating it, i have made some of my classmates think twice about their perceptions of homosexualilty... and i am not gonna stop. not now... even if sometimes, my professor believes that i just come to his class to "terrorize" it LOL

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"Sometimes things happen between people that you don't really expect. And sometimes the things that are important are the ones that seem the weirdest or the most wrong, and those are the ones that change your life." - Jessie "Once and Again"

[kukalaka]

cipher:

Thanks for saying what I wanted to say



slayer747:

I really can imagine you "terrorizing" that class Have fun! And seriously, I really think you can make a positive influence by that.





Edited because my English sucks.

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It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. - Mark Twain

Edited by: kukalaka  at: 8/6/02 1:40:40 am

[Ittybittykitty]

slayer747-

I thought I was the only one to get that particular adjective in a World Civics class...(my teacher said it with a sneer and a chuckle) how wrong I was!

Shameless plug- Read my fic 7th Hellvan. It isn't half bad:)! "Innerbed".

Edited by: Ittybittykitty at: 8/6/02 7:14:29 pm

[slayer747]

kukalaka and ittybittykitty,



we really do get along don't we? lol... and you know what's kinda ironic... i am a physical therapy major... and i guess that's the thing that shocks them the most. (ie 'what the hell is this girl doing in my class?')



ok, enough with the OT...



the friend i was talking about, we got together last thursday and we had the best time ever. we decided to get coffee and well, we did... we were in a middle of a conversation when she said that what she meant about preferring me to date guys came out all wrong. apparently, she was just worried about me... ( cipher was right!) and there i was, in the middle of the afternoon, having hot mocha topped with whipped cream and chocolate syrup on one hand and smoking flavored cig on the other, talking about sex, and chem and love and destinies with a friend whom i've learned to trust and cherish (who in return told me that)... that was one of the best days of my life!



oooh, and the next day the girl i was really into these days smiled at me six times. first during the morning, second in the hallways, third in the cafeteria and the last three in the girls' bathroom! we even managed to get to the 'hi's and 'hello's' and goodbye's.... *lovestruck*

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"Sometimes things happen between people that you don't really expect. And sometimes the things that are important are the ones that seem the weirdest or the most wrong, and those are the ones that change your life." - Jessie "Once and Again"

Edited by: slayer747  at: 8/9/02 8:16:30 pm

[kukalaka]

OT: I remember raising my arm in one class and getting a strange look from the teacher before he said: "Now she's going to ask one of that questions again." And I did Best of all: he didn't mean it, I know he was one of the teachers who really liked my questions.



And I'm so happy for you, slayer



Angie,

wanting to be lovestruck, too

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It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. - Mark Twain

[Ittybittykitty]

Yay slayer!

I'm glad things worked out for you and your friend. It's always nice to keep the friends you like! hehe.

Shameless plug- Read my fic 7th Hellvan. It isn't half bad:)! "Innerbed".

[TromDeGrey]

I feel like my story is pretty unpleasant, but I'll add it to the fray. I had a coming out breakdown. I totally lost my mind and flushed my brain along with my hard earned independence down the toilet and got married when I was 20. He was the only guy I ever dated. I was positive being with him would finally make me feel "normal". Chuckle with me now. Anyway, he was military and we moved quite a bit and at 23 I really thought my depression had to do with his injury and readjustment back into civilian life. I had no grand moment of realization. I just sort of said it to myself one day. "I'm gay." It took me nearly a year to tell him. He did OK with it at first. Then he started dating a friend of mine and they both stopped talking to me. I didn't actually have to tell either of my parents. They asked after I told them my marriage was over. Odd what you're parents really know about you, isn't it. Anyway, they were OK with it, but it was my brother that drove me right over the edge. Our parents had divorced when we were young and he and I had always been close. He went totally ballistic. He wouldn't have anything to do with me for months. It wasn't till I ended up in the hospital after a suicide attempt that we started to patch things up. Now he thinks it's cool as hell. *totally weird* His reaction has had a lasting effect though. I've never come out to my two best friends from massage therapy school. 'Course, it hacks me off some that after two years they still don't have a clue! But I realize now that I haven't come out to them because I have a fear of people I care about walking away from me. It's something I'm working on, but everything takes time I guess.

Confusion is a definite direction.

[Willowmere]

Can you guys please help me? I think I'm really in trouble.

I already mentioned that my longtime sweetie dumped me. Well things are getting worse for me. I have moved to a big city where I have no roots and no friends. I got a promotion at work, but my raise is a pittance and there is a lot of stress.



I wrestle with my sexuality. I daydream about a lovely, handsome man caring for me, but I can't see myself with anyone but a woman in reality.

I am so confused.



My bills are piling up, my relationship with my parents is nonexistent, and my stepmother just declared my writer's journal "trash" and threw it away, because I accidentally left it on the coffee table in the basement where I live. I sifted through two bags of garbage but I couldn't find it.



I keep thinking about hanging myself. I've been having these thoughts for about a week now, but with the loss of my journal they have been getting worse. I'm scared because the thought of killing myself doesn't even ebb and flow with mood swings like it did when I was in high school, it's just always there, like I've already decided to do it, I'm just waiting for the right moment. Who knows when that will be.



I don't even know whether I want to die or not.

[slayer747]

trom,



hi! first of all, welcome to the kitten board.

i just want to tell you that i know exactly how that feels (the fear part) and that it is okay to feel that way. i think it is just natural for us to hold on to the people that we care about and try our best not to disappoint them. but i think you should look at things differently, i mean before making a decision, i always ask myself: "does the pain outweigh the blessing?" and when i asked this to myself on whether i should come out to my friends or not, the answer was simple. i had to do it... i've been dealing with so much pain in my life that i felt that it was time for me to let go of some of it regardless what the people around me say. if we always think about what others will say, then we will forever be hindered to become who we really are. if your friends detest you after you've told them the truth, then i guess it is not worth being friends with them at all (it is kind of harsh, but it's true). the people who really love you really won't mind if they learned about your homosexuality. for them it will just be another part of you that they will have to accept. maybe it wil be easier if you try to test the waters first, try to learn what your friends' attitude towards homosexuality is and start figuring out from there whether they are the right people to come out to first. however, if they seem homophobic, then there goes your chance to help them see things the other way... show them that there is nothing to be hateful about, show them that being gay is okay. that being yourself is okay.





whew, i don't know if that made sense... but i'll try to edit when i'm not all to sleepy...



good luck to you.



willowmere,



you mentioned that you don't know whether you want to die or not... i'm sure that means that you don't want to die. i know how tough things can be and i assure you i could relate to your problems (being alone, family crisis and all) and i hope i could just go there and give you a hug.



and i'm not going to tell you that everything will be all right in just a matter of seconds, because they are not. what you are having right now is a struggle...and frankly, struggles last a long time. but it is really how you handle it that makes it worthwhile no matter how painful it gets. just hang in there sweetie, we are always here if you need to talk. it is better that you log in here before you do something you'll regret later on in life. i know i may say things a little too bluntly but i only do so that you'll know that i'm serious when i say that i care. and remember, when you hit rock-bottom, there's nowhere else for you to go but up.



*hugs* to both of you.

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"Sometimes things happen between people that you don't really expect. And sometimes the things that are important are the ones that seem the weirdest or the most wrong, and those are the ones that change your life." - Jessie "Once and Again"

Edited by: slayer747  at: 8/10/02 10:04:10 pm

[mscheckmate]

Willowmere, we Kittens may be scattered throughout the globe, but we're your family. We're here for you whenever you need to talk, when you need emotional support, when you need a hug, and when you need a good laugh. And offline, your city should have a suicide prevention hotline. I urge you to call and talk with someone. And you'll get emotional support from the nearest gay and lesbian community center. It's important right now that you talk to people, and let people give you the love, care, and support that you need.



You are a loveable, valuable person. We want you to stick around. Life does get better, even if that seems hard to believe at the moment.



Please write back and let us know that you're all right.

Xander: "Tara, nice axing." Tara: "My first."

Edited by: mscheckmate at: 8/10/02 10:08:01 pm

[Willowmere]

Quote:

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You are a loveable, valuable person.

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I don't feel like it.



I tried to explain about my journal at another board, and I got piled on, because they blamed me for forgetting to put it back in my room. I'm sorry, but accidents happen. It was late at night and I was tired.I wasn't thinking clearly. Sorry I'm not perfect.

[Thanatopsis]

Willowmere, speaking from personal experience, it does get better. The fact that you're not sure whether or not you want to die, definitely signifies you don't, which is good. And while it feels like it will never get better, it will. Of course there is the whole, "Sticking it out and working through it, will just make you a better person in the end." Which I realize is far from helpful at the moment, even if it is true. Just remember that you are important and if you weren't here, people would notice, people would care. Even if you feel alone right now, you aren't, I know there's plenty of people here who are totally here for you.



As for the other boards, don't listen to them. It's definitley not your fault. Shit happens. No matter what, throwing out someone else's journal isn't right.



I wish I could offer some sort of solid advice, but unfortunetly, it's a day to day thing. Try to stay strong, it'll get better.

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Too many of us live desert lives. ~Charles de Lint

[Lisa of Nine]

Willowmere,

whatever you are feeling right now, many other gays, lesbians, and questioning people have experienced. That doesn't make your pain any less, but sometimes knowing you are not alone in your pain helps make it more bearable.



In the mean time, I thought I would point out that we at the Kitten have a great resource that many of us are supporting- the Trevor hotline. Call them. They are waiting to help.



This is from their site:

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The Trevor Helpline, which can be reached by calling 800-850-8078, is a national 24-hour toll-free suicide prevention hotline aimed at gay or questioning youth. The Trevor Helpline is geared toward helping those in crisis, or anyone wanting information on how to help someone in crisis. All calls are handled by trained counselors, and are free and confidential.

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I hope you feel better. Keep in touch,

Lisa

[Jennifer]

Lisa you beat me to it! Willowmere, you definetly should give The Trevor Helpline a call. And, of course you know this board is always here for you

Willow made a small fist and waved it at her (Tara), and the 2 grinned in that secret knowing way lovers ever did. It amazed him now, looking back upon it, that he had not realized sooner that Willow and Tara were more than merely friends. -Giles, "The Wisdom of War" Willow and Tara's Love
|| Jennifer's Journal

[Willowmere]

Does the helpline work in Canada? And what's the cutoff age?



Edited to add: I'll go to the website and read up on it. Ignore this post.

Edited by: Willowmere at: 8/11/02 7:57:06 am

[friskylez]

Willowmere, I read your post and can relate more than you know...Not in regard to the coming out issues, ive been out for 20 yrs now, but i do know what its like to struggle to find and accept ones self..I certainly did that for a long long time before i came to accept who i was...Ive also been single for a very long time and every day that goes by i wonder why everyone else can find someone but i cant..



I also relate to what you said about your bill problems and thing piling up..I recently moved to a place that had a cheaper cost of living, in hopes i could change my situation, but my new boss has not come thru with promises he made before i moved...so here i am struggling in my new place because im making a whole lot less money..My folks have been wonderful in helping me, but i dont seem to be making any headway..



The only thing i can say is hang in there, for me this has been going on for a year and im still here, as much as i felt the same way you do, i have held on and kept plugging away..My folks keep telling me things will get better, they dont seem to, but i hold on because of their strength..I hope you will do the same and draw some strength from this community and your friends..



I cant say things will get better soon, but i can say, if youre not around youll never know whether they would have or not..And what if that next day was the day that turns around for you and the day you said "wow that was tough but i made it" ??Youll be a stronger person for having hung in there and the pride you will feel at having weathered the storm will give you more confidence than you ever thought you could have....



I know it looks like there is no light at the end of the tunnel right now, boy do i know that, but if you arent around, how will you ever know what might have been..Take the kittens advice and call the Trevor Project if you havent already, then just buckle your seat belt and ride out the things that are happening financially right now, it will get better, maybe not when you want it to, but in its own time..Thats what keeps me going

From Everythings Relative, .."the personal is political "

[Willowmere]

You know, everyone says that; "It will get better." But it hasn't. Not for 9 years.

For 9 years, I've been struggling to accept myself. I still hate myself as much as I ever did. I'm still an ugly loser who is a huge disappointment to her parents. If anything, I've gotten worse.

And I do know that I want to die, I just don't know when.

I went to the Trevor site and it said that "death is irreversible." Good! I'm glad. That is a comforting thought. I hope that I can just be erased completely. I hope that in 30 years, everyone is going on with life as if I never even existed.

I wish I was a robot, so that I could just dissamble myself into little pieces and get put in a box and thrown in the trash.

[scout03060]

Wow, very interesting happenings on this thread. Umm. I guess I can only speak for myself so let me just say that I can identify on many levels to what Willowmere is feeling. I have struggled with fear and loneliness for many years. It’s funny today I have someone in my life and friends and my family loves me (not sure they completely get it all the time but they try) but you know what I can still feel all alone. I have struggled with sadness and loneliness most of my life (I am 35 now). I was never much for sharing my feelings with others because I have been hurt doing that. It just got to the point where something had to give. I risked it and I found people who just listened. They didn’t necessarily have the answers for me but they new I was hurting and they were just there. They did encourage me to not quit 5 minutes before the miracle. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it because I didn’t think I could hold on any longer. Anyway, I just kept doing the next right thing. Some days that was just getting up brushing my teeth, getting ready for work, going to work etc… at the time I was in the military and coming to the realization that I was gay (if that doesn’t freak you out…talk about stress). I was so afraid of being found out. I didn’t want to be humiliated by being thrown out because I was gay (not to mention my friends and family all finding out). I was so uncomfortable with being gay. I told the woman I met that she was everything I ever wanted in someone except that she was a girl. I had lots of shame. This woman I know (didn’t know too well at the time) use to lift my chin up when I would be talking about my being gay and say, “that’s shame your feeling –because I would always look down when I talked about that stuff- and tell me that that was a choice. In other words I didn’t have to feel that way. I was okay just the way I was. It took me a long time to actually believe that. In the interim she would say can you believe that I believe you are okay. That you are loveable? Some days I would/could believe that and others I thought she was full of shit. Like Willowmere I just wanted to find some guy and live happily ever after. I was suppose to grow up, get married, have my 2 kids and die happy.



Well, obviously that never happened. Earlier on in life I struggle with suicidal feelings. One time I was gonna take some pills I knew we had in the house and it just so happened that my mom cleaned out the medicine cabinet the day before. The other time I had razor blade in hand and I had a plan but lets just say something happened that changed my plan. I am grateful today that I never took my own life. I use to think I just wasn’t strong enough to live in this world. It was just too fucking hard. Even today life is not always simple or easy. Most days I find myself just doing the next thing that is in front of me to do. It keeps me from being overwhelmed. If I look at all the stuff that goes on around me and in my life all at once it seems like an insurmountable task. I started out taking baby steps with life. As a matter of fact I was asked the other day to talk to this one girl who had trouble letting people in, sharing her feelings etc.. and this girl I know knew that I struggled and can still struggle with that so she asked me to talk with her. I said I would be willing but I am not sure what to say. I took such little baby steps in the process of coming out, of sharing me with others, and standing up for myself at work and at home that I don’t have a defining moment that says this is what helped me. For me, I guess, it was just risking asking for help. If I didn’t know what to do about money I asked someone who was good with money to teach me what I needed to know. If I didn’t know how to how to stand up for myself I asked someone who did. After awhile I started feeling better about myself.



So, that is a bit of my story. Willowmere (or anyone for that matter) if you want someone to talk to please feel free to email me. Came2believe@sbcglobal.net

"With courage greater than your fear, jump into the unknown and you will fly!" - Author Unknown

[Pagan singer]

Willowmere..

I know this will sound just like another post, but i'd like you to read it through.. I hope my english will come out right.

Even if every experience is unique, what you're telling us about your life is A LOT like what one of my best friend went through.. He struggled for 8 year with his own sexuality. He felt like a failure.. plus he had issues with his parents who always made him feel like the disappointing element of the family, even though they didn't know that he was gay at that time. They always made him feel small.

When he was a teenager he was kinda in love with my ex-girlfriend for several years, because he convinced himself that she was her only chance to lead what some narrow-minded people call a "normal life".. (He realized afterwards that he was in love withe the idea of an heterosexual couple). But at the same time he had had fantasies about men since he was 12.. His journal was his only confident.. Specially at 16 because he had to move far away from his friends for his studies.

He didn't know what path was the best one for him to choose.

He committed suicide when he was 17 and was saved in extremis.. One of his friends didn't get that chance. So please don't try it.

HOWEVER..

At the present time, years later, at 24, after a long struggle against the demons and frames our society impose upon us, he's a happy gay man, he lives with a guy and they are both madly in love with each other..

They even recently started discussing adopting a child abroad..

He finally went through his studies despite financial obstacles. His family still doesn't fully anderstand his homosexuality but he doesn't really care anymore because his new familly is the friends he met for the last 4 years, because he learned how to trust the love and help of other people. And these people are the ones he will share his everyday life and experiences with.

From the day he accepted his homosexuality, the path he had to take became obvious.. even if it wasn't the easiest.. and (I know it sounds paradoxical) things became a bit easier everyday. Please take my word for it.

Don't do anything final because that will cost you the opportunity to be happy one day.. And isn't this what we are all living for? Isn't thinking that you will never be happy what actually makes you feel so depressed?

I know everything I'm saying may sound as a cliché, but please give happiness a chance.. Don't give up! It's worth it, even if it takes time sometimes..

I wish my friend lived in Canada, he would have talked to you about the things you have in common.. And you would hear in his voice the happiness that he's now experiencing after more than 8 years of struggle.

You can make it!



And please contact the Trevor Project..

[La]

I'm going to add one more "been there, tried that" story to the thread for willowmere and anyone reading who might be considering suicide. When I was in high school, about 7 years ago, I got really really depressed and couldn't think of any reason to be alive. I didn't think anyone would care if I died. So I collected all of the pain pills we had all over our house and one morning, I took them all (about 50 pills). Luckily, after a few hours, I was so sick I vomited. Then I vomited some more. And again and again. I was sick for 3 days, felt hungover for about a week after, and I still have a buzzing in my ears that didn't used to be there. My parents never found out what I'd tried to do because I just told them I must have a touch of the flu. But I did start talking to my friends about it, and most of them were very angry at me. Angry that I would think that they wouldn't care. There are always people out there who care. All of us here care.



7 years later, I no longer get depressed. I love life. I love the possibilities that I have. Yeah, it may be hard sometimes (like money issues, yuck), but I know that things will always get better. And I'm happy. I choose to do things that make me happy. I just want to have fun.



And smile. It really can make you feel better.

~La

You know you’ve been in Korea too long when you return to the States, and instead of sitting on your bed to show a friend some photos, you settle down in the middle of the floor and she laughs at you.

Edited by: La at: 8/11/02 11:25:01 pm

[scout03060]

I am not sure if I should ask this or not but Willowmere if you are lurking about will you drop a line. I usually see you signed in or posting but not for a few days. I realize I might have just missed ya but I guess after your last post here I am a little worried. I am not trying to pry. I know it is none of my business but I thought it wouldn't hurt to ask.



Deanna

"With courage greater than your fear, jump into the unknown and you will fly!" - Author Unknown

[Guess]

I'm just posting to support everyone who's going through a hard time in life and to let them know they are not alone. Hugs to everyone.



Guess...?



Edited to add: I'm Floating Rose now...

Edited by: Guess at: 8/16/02 7:54:32 pm

[slayer747]

ei guys, sorry for changing the topic a bit... i've been gone a week and some things happened...



this post is going to be quite long... so i hope you'll take the time to read...





i just have an update about my coming out. i've come out to two more friends and it was a non-issue with them... so yay! again...



and i have two stories, the first one is a good one, the second is a bad one.



FIRST STORY:



something really interesting happened to me yesterday. it was in my communication class and we were discussing self-concept. our professor gave us a set of questionnaires titled "what i prefer to be..." and we were given choices and asked to rank them from 1 to 3 (1 - your best choice). she said that we must answer them honestly, which i did.



anyway, there was this part that contained the following: __ heterosexual __ bisexual __ homosexual. and when we finished answering them, we were asked to discuss our answers with our groupmates.



at first i was hesitating on whether i will participate, and i did have the urge to change my ranking (because, obviously, i prefer to be homosexual) but i didn't. i figured that i have to be honest with myself and just say "pass" to avoid the question. but when it was my turn, i was shocked that i actually told my groupmates flat out, "1: homosexual, 2: hetero, 3: bi". well, of course, their smiles faded and got completely wide-eyed upon hearing my answer. the reactions i saw did hurt me, i have to admit, and it was like i was suddenly compelled to explain my answer (explain myself). up to this point i can't remember what i told them, but whatever it was, all that i had for the rest of the day whenever i see one of them passing in the hallways were weird gazes.



however, after hours of wanting to just crawl under the sofa and die, i suddenly realized how proud i am of what i have done. i was able to be true to myself and others. i didn't avoid the question even if i could. it was so easy to let it pass and just say "no comment" but i didn't, because i didn't want to hide, i didn't want to lie about who i really am. i mean, i know deep down that there is nothing wrong with me being gay, and it was time to let others know the same. sure, they will talk about me behind my back; sure, they will tell other friends; sure, there is a possibility of being branded "lesbian" for the rest of my stay in the university and ignore the rest of what constitute me as a person, but i realized that i am okay with all of those. there is no better feeling in the world than living truthfully no matter what others think. i think life is too short and there's no point in hiding. being gay makes me happy, knowing myself makes me happy... and if others have a problem with that, i don't care. i will let them deal with it themselves.



i know that two days from now, my groupmates will look at me the same way they did yesterday. some of them will continue to be bothered, some will be judging me, some might even ask me questions about being gay (which i will answer the best i could) and some will think of me as a person that will go to hell. but i will tolerate it, since i know deep inside that i have come to a point in my life where i view the world in different perspectives. i have come to a point where i have braved being different amidst all the stigma that is attached to being gay. i have come to a point where i am able to be completely honest to myself as well as others. i have come to a point where i feel free. and yes, i'm soooo damn proud of it, so proud, i'd be walking around campus with a shit-eating grin on my face.





SECOND STORY:



right after the class i've mentioned above, i got the chance to chat with my best friend in the uni, well, she still would not believe that i am really a lesbian. to cut to the chase, she said "maybe it is because you already branded yourself as a lesbian that now you are left with no choice but to act like one and believe that you are one." and it couldn't hurt more. we talked for over an hour about the stuff and she said that i am so confused and afraid and blah-blah. she would dismiss every word i say and psycho-analyze me and come up with huge theories why i am the way i am. i even told her that i am happy to finally know who i am but wouldn't believe me. at the end of the conversation, i was so upset that i just held my hands up and said "fine. let's settle this. this is just 'personal choice' on my part." and she agreed with me.



to make myself clear to you guys, i am not denying that being a lesbian is a choice i made. but i need to add that it is a choice i made since it is who i am. i made the choice to be true to my feelings, i made the choice to follow my heart (which is inclined into loving women), and my best friend of four years refuse to accept that.



i guess i just lost her (you might think that this conclusion is fast, but it is not). i know that i can't keep holding on to a friendship that lacks trust. she doesn't trust the decisions i make anymore, nevertheless believe the things i say. she constantly tries to dissuade me and the constant bugging doesn't feel healthy anymore. i guess i just had to let go. i am not saying that i will abandon her because i couldn't, but i guess when it comes to the most important things in my life, she will no longer be the first person in the list of who i would tell and share with.



and if you remember the other friend i told you about (the one who told me she'd prefer me straight), i am glad to tell you that she is the one who is helping me through this after all. she makes me feel good about myself. she even apologized for saying what she said, letting me know that she was just concerned that i will get hurt. when i told her about what transpired between me and my best friend, she hugged me and told me that i don't need to justify myself to her. that she completely understands and will support me every step of the way. and i believe her, because i know that she meant every single word of it.



well, i dunno whether the weekend was good or bad for me, maybe it was both, and i do not regret having it...

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"Sometimes things happen between people that you don't really expect. And sometimes the things that are important are the ones that seem the weirdest or the most wrong, and those are the ones that change your life." - Jessie "Once and Again"

[Hush]

Like scout03060 I am a little worried about Willowmere, I haven't seen her posting either and I sent her an email a few days ago and she has not email back.



Willowmere if you are lurking please post something.

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Todo lo que se ignora se desprecia - Antonio Machado

[Willowmere]

I heard once that when the urge to commit suicide is at its strongest, the feeling only lasts for four minutes.

I made it through my four minutes safe and sound, and maybe I can do it again if I need to.

Y'all don't have to worry about me.I'm ok. I just can't use the computer when my stepmom is around.



slayer747, it must have been very painful to lose your best friend. What a sucky outcome. I'm not going to say something flaky or give you advice. Just acknowledge that it completely bites that your best friend would rather be "right" (which is only in her own mind) than be loyal to you. You deserve loyalty and love. I hope there are other people in your life who are offering you theirs.

[scout03060]

Hey Willowmere glad you made it through your four minutes. I was happy to see your user name at the bottom of the page when I got to the board.



Slayer747 - I like your attitude toward all that happened. I too find it very freeing to be true to myself. Plus, not apologizing to anyone. I had this guy at work who called my partner my roomate and I corrected him and he said what? He just wanted me to say it again that Cindy was my partner not my roomate. I told him that was a big pet peeve of mine. I was like where have you been? Because he was acting like he didn't know I was gay. He was like well I just... you never really said it to me. So, I said, what am I suppose to show up at work and announce I'm gay? Do you come to work and say hey, I'm so and so and I'm heterosexual? Then he says, "so I can make jokes now Huh?" I said no you can't. And I further explained that just because I am a lesbian it doesn't mean I want to be a man. I said I don't think like a man, I don't talk like one and I won't engage in a conversation like one. I work in a field that is mostly men so I am very careful on how I carry myself at work because I don't want them to be disrespectful. I am very fortunate that we all get along well. They don't treat me like one of the guys (and I don't want to be treated that way) but the do treat me like a friend.



Anyway, I decided some time ago that I didn't want to hide. It is very crushing to my self esteem. I don't announce it but if asked I won't lie. I told a friend of mine not long ago that I would rather be gay bashed than hide anymore.



Deanna

[La]

hiding sucks. I hate when people don't know. being gay is just a part of who I am. It's so iritating that straight people are always just assumed to be straight and so I'm always assumed to be straight and that's not who I am!! I usually just assume everyone's bi until I find out otherwise.

~La

You know you’ve been in Korea too long when you return to the States, and instead of sitting on your bed to show a friend some photos, you settle down in the middle of the floor and she laughs at you.

[Pipsqueak]

Well, I just spent the weekend with my college friends (we all graduated a year ago). 2 boys, 3 girls. We swam and played games and went shopping and hung out and had a great time.



I wanted to tell them. I wanted to tell them SO badly. But what was I supposed to do, just blurt it out at random, like "That was a fun game of spades, by the way I think I like girls but I'm not sure yet, so what are we having for dinner?" I didn't know what to say. And I was afraid of how they'd react. I kept waiting for an opportunity to slip it into the conversation somehow, to actually TALK with real people about all this stuff I've been going through. But in the end, I said nothing. And in the end, we all said goodbye and I drove 7 hours back home, and felt just a little bit worse. Like I'd been ..... dishonest, somehow.



The thing is, I really don't know what I am. I keep thinking that if I just "knew", that it would be easier. That I could move on to the next step of dealing with my sexuality, instead of being stuck at the beginning, still trying to figure it out. I know that I'm physically attracted to women (let's face it, boobies are mighty nice ). I've had crushes on women, although I only realized that they were crushes in retrospect ... but I've never been in love with a woman. And I have been in love with a man, and that was nice too, and I know that I could love men again. And men aren't so bad either, with their strong manly arms, and ..... but if I'm straight, then why do I turn my head every time a pretty girl walks by (and almost never do the same for cute guys)? And people keep saying that they always knew that they were gay, even if it took them decades to realize it, deep down they always KNEW. And I don't. And that's what's driving me crazy.



And that's why I can't tell my friends, because I couldn't give them any definitive answers. Maybe they'd think it was just a phase. And maybe they're right; maybe it is just a brief "unsure" phase, but I don't want other people telling me that ... you know? I need to figure things out before I tell people. But how can I figure things out if I have to do it all alone? I wish I could tell them. I wish I wasn't afraid to share this part of myself with the people who know me best. But I am.



Sorry for the big long ramble. I know there aren't any easy answers, and I don't expect you guys to give me any. The main reason for posting this was to let others out there know that if you're going through the same thing, you're not alone. Vent over.

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"We're just ... stupid." -- Buffy, on Season 6
Check out my Buffy videos at http://www.pipsqueaky.com