a question about being gay

[MistressMaraJ]

Hey everyone!

I've been a long time lurker, but I really like this board, and its emphasis is something I have not seen on any other board so far.

Anyway, I don't know if this will sound really stupid or ignorant, but I figure I'll give it a try. I'm a 21 year old female and I've never been in a relationship of any kind--nothing more than a handful of first dates. My friends and I all gripe about the lack of nice guys where we go to school. I only know a couple that I think would make good boyfriends. So I don't know if it has been in frustration or something else that has led me to question my sexuality for the past year.

I guess what my question is, is how do I know for sure? This has really been bugging me for while and I haven't told a soul how I feel. I don't think there's anything wrong with being gay, and I think I'd be about 90% comfortable with it, but for some reason I feel really hesitant to tell anyone. I think in part because if it turned out I wasn't, my friends would think its just another ridiculous, melodramatic phase of mine, and I'd be really embarassed. I have never done anything with a girl before and I'd want to feel something real with one before I'd feel comfortable talking to my friends about it.

Another thing, and I don't know if this is a gross stereotype or not (so please forgive me!), but the way people always talk to me about lesbians is that there is always at least one butch partner. But then I see Willow and Tara's relationship, and the Once and Again kiss with Jessie and Katie, and they are all quite feminine. I guess the thing with me is that I am quite feminine myself (none of my friends suspect what I am going through), and I find myself only attracted to really feminine girls. And guys, but mostly television people and not real people. So I was wondering, if there are a lot of lesbians out there in relationships where both partners are really feminine, and only attracted to women like that? Or would the fact that I like feminine women mean that I'm not really gay/bi?

Thanks! Any advice/similar experiences on this matter would be greatly appreciated.

[Righteous Babe]

Just a couple comments, I hope you figure what your soul/heart desires hon. *huggles*

Secondly, there is feminine women who are attracted to feminine women, and less feminine women who are attracted to feminine women. Your attracted to who you are attracted to, there is no limits on it.

I'm sure there are alot of femme lesbian couples out there.

[dusty]

quote:

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Originally posted by MistressMaraJ:

Or would the fact that I like feminine women mean that I'm not really gay/bi?

---

I think the operative word there would be "women", not feminine. You can definitely be gay/bi and be attracted to other femmes. I am a fairly feminine woman who is attracted to all sorts of people, other femme girls included. Anyway, whatever your sexual orientation is, don't feel too pressured to label yourself right now. Just go with what you feel for whoever you feel it for, and if you just give it time I think you'll eventually know whether there's a label that fits you. But right now, you shouldn't feel like you *need* one.quote:

[Epicurus]

Girls are girls. Whether feminine or masculine, it's whatever you are attracted to. You are ultimately the one who defines what a relationship is.
It's often pondered how one tells if they are gay. I don't know the answer to the question. If you really want to know, don't care what your friends think. Who cares if they think it's a phase.
Would you give up the potential to have a great relationship with a girl because you’re "not sure"?
startcliche Follow your heart endcliche
Do what you feel you want to do. You don't need anyone’s approval.

[wiltar]

I'm gonna go with the other people: don't feel yourself pressured to label yourself.

I said this in another thread, and I'm gonna say it again:

When it comes down to it, we're all humans, seeking love

Just do what makes you happy (deja vu, lol)

Patricia

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"What are they looking at?"
"The hotness of you, doofus!"

[catalyxt]

Hmmm. Well, where to begin?

Well, you've never been in a relationship, you've gone on dates, you know some guys who might be possible relationship prospects, you're attracted to feminine women.

Okay... So, a relationship is (usually) founded on attraction between people, right?

So, what are you attracted to and in what way? When you see someone, male or female, walking down the street, what makes them stand out to you?

What type of person seems to raise your heartbeat, incite crushes, and make you feel like a polarized magnet? Not just aesthetically (gosh, isn't she pretty), but viscerally (oh my god, I'm really turned on by her)?

You're attracted to feminine women, but in what way? Heart-poundingly wanting to get close to hug-and-kiss, spend oodles of time with type way, or the "isn't she pretty as a picture" way?

What do you fantasize about? What turns you on? are some valid questions to ask yourself. A pretty safe place to look for this is movies, fanfic, books, random people you see people-watching, etc.

Hey, if you have ever had a crush on a same-sex friend, that's usually a good pointer to think about as well. It's a lot easier to figure out when you already have someone you're interested in...for some strange reason

On the emotional, mental level, what type of person do you want to be in a relationship with? Why? Do you find yourself more or equally drawn to guy friends or girl friends? Why do you hang out with each particular group..do you get something different from each interaction? Are you closer friends with people who are guys vs. girls or vice versa? Who do you usually go to when things get rough for you?

As to how you can know for sure...that isn't easy to answer. I guess the best thing to say is that you'll fall. You'll be attracted to someone and it will just happen. You can seek it out or let it come to you. Just be aware of who and what you're attracted to and that'll be a pretty good compass.

Letting your friends know is something that's tricky case-by-case, especially if they're at all homophobic. It's generally a good idea to feel them out about the subject and act accordingly. Really. And telling your parents...unless they are extremely cool, I'd advise you to hold off on that, esp. if you're still in school and financially dependent on them.

If your friends really care about you, they'll get over it and accept it as part of you (if that's the case). Even if it takes a while, if they see you in a relationship that certainly helps the process along, in my experience. That doesn't mean that it might not be rough while they're getting to that happy plateau of acceptance, though.

If you're not sure, it's still okay to say, "hey, I've been wondering, and questioning and gosh, have you ever thought about same-sex relationships? what do you think about them?"

Because, really, that's what you seem to be: questioning. And that doesn't put you in any camp, so to speak. And, hey, you might find that some of your friends have been wondering, too, and then you can talk about it with them as well.

To allay your fears, the butch-femme dynamic *is* a stereotype. Some people like it, a lot of people don't go by it. You just have to go by what you're attracted to, and it sounds like you're attracted to feminine women. Not a problem. Lots of feminine women who don't define themselves as straight exist and are attracted to other feminine women.

Hope this helps.

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"She wears her wild side like a cheap perfume"-AV

[La]

catalyxt, that was really well articulated. I just wanted to say that I agree with all of your advice.

Good luck with your thoughts MistressMaraJ!

Edited to say: You're welcome, catalyxt!
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~La

"No good sittin' worryin' abou' it. What's comin' will
come, an' we'll meet it when it does."
~Hagrid, from "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire".

[This message has been edited by La (edited March 17, 2002).]

[catalyxt]

Thanks, La

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"She wears her wild side like a cheap perfume"-AV

[daydreamer]

catalyxt, I agree with La. Greatly articulated. It answered a lot of questions I've been asking myself too. Thank you.

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What you are shouts so loudly in my ears I cannot hear what you say. - Emerson

[This message has been edited by daydreamer (edited March 17, 2002).]

[Willowhand]

MistressMaraJ, I asked myself the same questions and felt the same way before I realized I was gay. Everything catalyxt said is right...really great advice.

[iccle_eve]

i went through very similar things to what you went to and only really established my sexuality once i discovered i had feelings towards my female bestfriend.
think carefully how you view men and dont look apon being gay as an alternative that will get you hurt less, women can be just as mean (and i speak form experience). Confide in your friends, i did and they were a lot more understanding than i could possibly imagine. Once you tell one person you fell able to tell more and people reactions may plesently suprise you. Its a hard thing to go through but i found once i told people i knew it was definately the right thing to do.
Good Luck

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Evie

[shellybean]

Sweetie I need to agree with everyone else and say that you need to follow what you feel. If you look at a women and can see yourself in a relationship with that person, kissing and hugging and otherwise then you're probably bisexual or even gay. But if you're just intrigued by the curiosity and don't really like women and just dislike men, you may have to think it over a bit more.
And about the whole feminine/feminine thing, of course there are femme/femme relationships! I'm a feminine girl and am only attracted to other feminine girls. Ok I'm not totally girly, a little tomboy-ish but I basically am. I have long hair and wear skirts. I find that people generally think that women attracted to butch women are totally lesbian like because the butch woman is like a man. That is totally NOT how I feel because to me a woman is a woman, but this is the impression that I get from a lot of people.

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Willow: "Besides, spells going awry, friends in danger...I'm really nothing special."
Tara: "No, you are"
Willow and Tara's first real conversation - "Hush"

"Hear that baby? You're my always"
Willow to Tara - "Tough Love"

"HEY! You're gonna back off! She said no and thats it, you're not going to make her do something that she doesn't want to. And if you try, you're going to have to go through me. Understood?"
Tara standing up for Willlow and being the protective ex and bad ass - "Older and Far Away"

"Hi Tara, How are you? I was wondering if maybe you want to go out sometime? For coffee? food? kissing and gay love?"
Willow practicing asking Tara out - "Normal Again"

[PandoraSpocks]

Great advice CATALYXT, I was about to creat my own thread about with almost the very same question. I was working up the nerve, and contempleting wether or not to go under another name. Is that always the way, someone always there to beat u to it THANKS MISTRESSMARAJ. I was listen to Rosie's interview the other night and she meantioned how she just said outloud in her car " I think I'm kinda gay". I have said that outloud to myself in my room and it sounded pretty good. How ever I'm still not quite sure. I have always been able to pick out an attractive guy or girl on the street and admire their beauty, but I've never been what you'd call attracted. This is what confuses me. My question is how does the attraction begin, does it always begin on the street? I've never been attracted to my friends, but I seem to get a buzz from attractive female types on the television, what does this mean? At fist I thought I was not sexual at all, but that is not the case. I do get the sexual cravings. Sometimes I feel pathetic, because I'm 22 and I haven't even dated, I can't seem to bring myself to date. I definily don't want to date any guys. I find myself becoming paranoid, thinking everyone already thinks I'm gay. My brother even calls me gay. I told my (girl) friend my thoughts and she didn't seem to care, very supportive, what ever I chose. I was thinking about going to a gay bar to test the waters, but don't want to go alone. How do I find gay individuals in my community, there must be support groups for young gays. Where do I start? Thanks for your time.

[wiltar]

Pandoraspocks: Where are you from? Because I kinda know how it goes over here, but of course, things go different in other countries...

Patricia

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"What are they looking at?"
"The hotness of you, doofus!"

[This message has been edited by wiltar (edited March 17, 2002).]

[PandoraSpocks]

Vancouver, b.c

[wiltar]

ah,well...sorry, can't help you in specific with that, I'm from the Netherlands...but maybe you can try and find something like a supportgroup on the internet...that could at least be a start...

Sorry I can't be a better help

Patricia

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"What are they looking at?"
"The hotness of you, doofus!"

[PandoraSpocks]

I have to go now, but WILTAR I will read your reply tomorrow, It is greatly, greatly appreciated. It sucks, because I only have an hour of internet time at the library. I have a computer at home for writing, but no internet

[PandoraSpocks]

Quickly, read. Thanks anyhow, bye for now all

[Mara]

Of course tehre are relationships that are very feminine. The butch/femme couple is a bit of a stereotype. I'm not exactly femme, but 'not large with the butch' either and the girls I liked were either like me, or very feminine.

I don't know if there's a way to be 100% siure of what you are, regarding your sexuality. For example: I think I'm a lesbian, yet I had a boyfriend for a total of over 2 years and then left him because I started to only feel the need to date girls. Still, even being a lesbian (as far as I know ) I still sometimes feel a psysical attraction to guys, but the psysical + emotional only seems to happen with girls.

Sorry I can't be more helpful. ^^;;

BTW, does your nick come from Star Wars' Mara Jade? She's my fave SW character!

[capricornmist]

Hi all,

I`m pretty new to this board myself and it`s begining to become like a second home! Sad I know.

I`m 21 been gay all my life and unfortunately been walked over by both sexes. Oh well my bad.

The thing is I fought my feelings for many years, really for most of my life and I still fight with my feelings now but I mainly think that is because of outside sources rather than anything else!

As long as you find love it doesn`t matter, personally if I could find love like Tara and Willows I would be the happiest women alive.

The biggest gift anyone can recieve is the feeling of loving someone and someone loving you back. To feel your lovers touch and know that they desire you.

Hmmm ok, don`t know whether that made any sense or not. Just babbling and feeling all sorry for myself now.

The point being the only thing that matters is you and the person you fall in love with.

Rachelle

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"I want you, but i`m not giving in this time.
Goodbye to you, goodbye to everything that I knew.
You were the one I loved, the one thing I tried to hold onto."

[MistressMaraJ]

Thank you everyone for the advice! It's great to have the anonymity of the internet. PandoraSpocks I know exactly what you're talking about. I always feel more attracted to an idea or someone on tv than to any real individual that I know. I got a nickname in high school for being "asexual", but I do too have the feelings. They are just not directed towards anyone specific. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I really need to get to know someone well before I know how I feel about them.

catalyxt: wow, where to begin. There's a lot of helpful advice there, so thanks! I guess what has made figuring this whole thing out so difficult is that I don't really get crushes on people very often and I know very few guys; even the guys I would call friends I only see maybe a couple times a month and I never have intimate discussions of any kind. Some guys are really cool, I just don't get them and I feel like we're on completely different wavelengths. I guess for my fantasizing, its been pretty divided between males and females, although again, I never fantasize about someone specific, just someone I've made up. Hehe, I guess I should get an imaginary girlfriend

But I do pursue something completely different from my male and female fantasies. Traditionally, my fantasies about guys were always more of science fiction hero type thing (you know, completely realistic) or about marriage and having kids, someone to fix the pipes and so on. Terribly stereotypical things. Lately, they've been relegated to either the hero role or the sex object. When I fantasize about women, its more in awe I think. There is something incredibly attractive about a woman's body, something more artistic. My ideas about long-term relationships and romance centered around it being this incredibly comfortable snuggle fest, like best friends hanging out and just getting each other utterly. I'm more used to relating to girls obviously. These fantasies of course are not entirely platonic either (as that would give this away for being something other than potential gayness).

I guess I could get support from friends if I reached out to them. At least one of my friends has a bunch of gay friends from high school and a couple others are too true to me to let something like this hurt our friendship. And thankfully, my parents are great! They'd never withhold college money or anything because of it. They're more ok with my cousin's gayness than my cousin's parents are. I guess one of the reasons I'm so afraid to talk about it is because one of my very best friends, and coincidentally my roommate, has some religious objections to it. Not the burn in hell variety, but more of the God will save you and you'll realize that a man and woman are meant to be together variety. Ugh! That bugs the hell out of me, but I try to keep my cool because we're living together again next year and I don't want to create disharmony.

Anyway, it feels good just to talk about all of it! Its no fun to keep something so big to myself. Thank you all!

EDITED to say, yes Mara, I got my name from Star Wars. Mara Jade is the best! Especially in Zahn's trilogy.

[This message has been edited by MistressMaraJ (edited March 17, 2002).]

[Karzia]

wanna talk confused, I was in my relationship for five years before I got up one morning and relised "Oh my Gosh, I'm in a lesbian relationship." It would be three more years before I would begin to identify as a lesbian, in fact I was so afraid that other people would point their fingers "oh look at the icky dyke", granted I live in the central Midwest were there are not large GLBT communities, but still.
I guess my advice is to read this thread, folks have posted before me have said some really great things,especially the parts about "just love" don't get hung up on lables.
As for the Butch/femme debate, I have always been the "butch" one. I will not voluntarily wear a dress but, did wear one to my commitment ceremony. I am attracted primarly to femme girls, mostly because they smell so good. However by the same token I am just a bit to fond of fancy clothes, expensive food, the theater, ect... to be a "propper" car fixing, beer guzling stereotype (if I offended it was unintentional).
When all is said and done, "Love and take your fill of love...."

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Ad astea per asta

[This message has been edited by Karzia (edited March 17, 2002).]

[rocketdyke]

quote:

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Originally posted by Karzia:
I am attracted primarly to femme girls, mostly because they smell so good.

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heehee. this made me laugh.
are you sure youre not just attracted to girls with good hygiene?

michelequote:

[xita]

Yes butch girls smell very nice too!

Yummy butch girls... large with the butch girls..

[rocketdyke]

yes i have smelled xita and she smells quite pleasant.

[tommo]

Oh we're having another discussion about butch/femme. *looks surprised*

Well there you go...

Butch, femme...whatever. Women are women. You know?

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You know I've been through hell...Joss can't you see, there'll be nothing left of me. You made me believe...

[Banshee]

Ummm.. I'm gonna just chime in here and be perfectly blunt..

1)don't confuse butch women w/transgendered. look it up---you'll be all the more educated about it.
2)if you could see yourself actually 'doing it' w/a woman.. then i'll be the house and the kitten on the fact that you're probably **shock** a 'lesbian'/'bisexual'
3)and if you've done #2.. and you really, really like it.. you're a club member.

-S

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"Believe me I don't want to go,
And it'll grieve me 'cause I love you so
But we both know..."

[Genea]

I just like women hygiene however is high on my list of importance.

You know it never occured to me that I was a lesbian, I heard this woman laugh and turned my head to see where such a melodic,soulful sound was coming from. She turned her and met my eyes,smiled and kept on going but, I swear I suddenly thought I was going to vomit and/or faint. I never even thought hey this is a woman your being goofy over,it was just like breathing. I know its not like that for everyone but,it was for me. That was almost seven years ago we were together for two and are still the best of friends. Love is grand but an awesome woman and love is the best.

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Sugarloaf
Well, dip me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians!!

[Grace]

Wow, I'm reading so many things that I am feeling myself. That's part of the reason I was so drawn to the kitten board, I love the support and love I see in the postings. I am very confused righ now. I don't want to talk about my mixed feelings with any of my friends yet because although I believe they will be supportive, I don't want to say anything until I am more sure. But I don't know how to be sure. I get so nervous when it comes to intimacy, and at 25, that's a problem. And I would hate to get involved with a woman and then hurt her by saying, 'hey, guess what? sorry, but I'm not actually gay.' It would feel like I used her to test my own feelings. Just being able to share these thoughts with actual people feels really good. I am so thankful for the kitten community. Here's something else I wonder if anyone is dealing with. I was raised Catholic, and it says that homosexuality is a sin. I don't agree with this, in fact, there are several things I don't agree with in my faith, but it is still a part of me, and it's important. I'm having a big problem balancing these two aspects of my life. Anyone else had a similar experience? Thanks for listening, or reading actually.

[xita]

We made a new thread cause there 2 similar threads on the board. So we decided to combine into one thread. You can continue to posts your thoughts on this subject over at the new thread. I reposted the original post. Feel free to repost your thoughts there. I am now closing this one.