OT-Why am I so depressed?

[Nessie]

I'm sorry topost this here, but I need to vent...I posted on here a while ago, people were helpful, but then I just disappeared...I was struggling with the whole lesbian/christian/very old-fashioned hispanic family thing...I thought after soem time i'd feel better...up until a few months ago, i thought I was, then I realized I just covered everything up with alcohol (I'm in college, its everywhere)...now, ive just sunk into this depression...I have days where I'm fine...but somedays, tuesdays and thursdays usually, because i'm in school alllll day, i get really, really depressed...like I would cry, but I cant muster up the energy...I just have no drive whatsoever..I dont really feel like do anythign anymore and its sad, because i'm falling behind in my school work and throwing away a 3.7 average ive tried hard to keep...just so I could go away to grad school somewhere and be happy....well, anyway, I'm sorry to bother everyone here with this...

[lesbianinmaine]

Hi Nessie. I just wanted to say that I understand. I've been there. Hell, I'm still there. I started to finally realize what had been going on for most of my life about two years ago, and looked for help to treat clinical depression. I am on meds and using therapy, still looking for the right combo of things. You need to talk to someone, see a doctor. Things can get better. My e-mail is in my profile if you want it. {{{{{{{big hugs}}}}}}}

[Pixie]

Hey Nessie, honey. I'm glad you feel you can vent here. I've also been there. Struggled with depression for much of my life (including in college), been in therapy for years, and just went on medication in January. I second lesbianinmaine's advice to you to get some professional help. It can be very useful. You don't have to walk around feeling this way; I know it was a big relief to me to hear that several of my friends were also on/had been on anti-depressants. Whatever you decide to do, try not to keep yourself isolated with your feelings. Talk to a friend, go to your college's counseling center, come back here and vent - many of us kitties have ample and soft shoulders for crying. Feel free to e-mail me, too, if you want. I'm no expert at all, but I can listen. *sending many hugs*

[Nessie]

yeah...i've been wanting to go to someone for a while..just not on my dad's insurance...and I guess I would feel a little bit better if I could feel like I can start living as a lesbian and meeting more folks like me...because as it is, ive pretty much accepted it, but my friends are all stait and would be weirded out if they knew about me...the gay/lesbian alliance is practically non-existent on campus, and i cant make it out to their meetings cuz of work...I'm really not into the club/bar scene..and besides I wouldnt go by myself...all the other non-school related gay organizations seem to meet in another city that I dont have time to make it out to...so now, its feels like after i spent all these months struggling to come to terms with this, I finally do, and I feel more alone than ever...

[abby_normal]

Hey, I just had to respond to this altho' I've been a lurker for awhile. You are not alone in dealing w/depression, especially as it relates to stuff like Christianity, sexuality, etc.

I majored in the Bible at a Christian college while secretly struggling w/sexual orientation questions. It's very hard to deal with alone, so get your support system in place-ppl. you trust and can confide in. They made a ton of difference in my case. BTW, keep posting and venting!

[Sela]

Nessie,

My family is Hispanic, so I understand the kind of pressures you're under. I know the struggle that exists, especially in our culture that is deeply rooted in traditionalism and paternalism. I would have to agree with everyone else here that suggests you seek professional help. I have also been depressed, and I went to see a counselor at the health center at my college. I may not know exactly what you're going through, but I am more than willing to listen if you need to vent some more. The best part about this was that it didn't show up on my father's insurance and I was given 9 free sessions. I don't know if that's available for you at your college, but I would look into it. Take care and be strong.

--Sela

[murph]

Hey Nessie,

Just wanted to say hang in there. My girlfriend has battled with depression for many years and I too have been affected by it although not to the same extent. My email address is in my profile - you're more than welcome to get in touch. Same goes for any other kittens out there who are having a rough time. Hey, we all gotta stick together right? Remember Nessie, although at times it totally doesn't seem like it, there is light at the end of the tunnel and there are people who care about you

xxxxx

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W:"Was there a camel?"
T:"There was the front of a camel - a half camel" Cue adorable grin from Amber

[This message has been edited by murph (edited March 13, 2002).]

[Wolfie]

Nessie, hon, you will always be welcome on here - personally, I find that this is the perfect place to rant - never once have I had rocks thrown at me for my many and splenetic diatribes - not even a soup-saturated bread roll! The kittens on this board are dears - really, and will always listen. Sometimes, I think the worst thing is not being able to express yourself, or feel that there is no-one out there that you can truely trust to understand. And councelling/therapy - these things all have their place, too, because they actively set out to help you find solutions. I think we're all works in progress, and sometimes, we need a little help to find the right path that will make us happy. I think that's fine - I think it's actually good to be able to say that to yourself once in a while: To be able to mutter "it's okay - I don't have to do this alone if I don't want to" can, in itself, be therapeutic - it is to me.

My burbling has become inane now, so I shall bring myself to a swift halt, and offer silent hugs instead

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I am the sunlight on the sides of houses.

[shellybean]

You sound exactly like my sister and I know that what she went through was excrutiatingly hard. She didn't want to tell anyone like my parents because she was afraid they'd bring her back home to finish college here and that'd just kill her. I agree with everyone else that you need to find someone to talk to that knows how to deal with these things. I like many people get into major slumps of depression but I usually get over it. So I guess my case isn't very serious so I don't really know how to help. It does help to vent and let your emotions out though. You should have someone that's physically there that could hold and hug you, that also helps a lot. take care sweetie.

[wiltar]

Hang in there Nessie!

You found yourself a surogate family over here, we're all prepared to help you in whatever way we can!!!

sends BIG hugs to Nessie

Patricia

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"What are they looking at?"
"The hotness of you, doofus!"

[WiccanBex]

it's good to vent here, isn't it?

because you know that no one will judge you and that everyone will be supportive...

now, if the rest of the world was like the kitten board...

*sigh* i hve too much daydreaming time...

you're always welcome to vent here and i hope that things get better for you. i know how hard it can be to have to stuggle with who you are and who your family want you to be. sometimes, you just need to let go of everything and explode a little.

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"if you throw a stone, something's gonna shatter somewhere. We're all so fragile, we're all so scared."
Convention review site

[Mara]

Hey Nessie!

I can understand how you feel, about the depression and about almost bursting out... I was there, for quite a while. I haven't come out to my parents yet (and I probably only will when I have my own house and am financially independent), and have to hear some homophobic comments.

All I can suggest is that you seek out the company of friends, and therapy might be able to help you too.

Try to seek out your school counselor.

I've been in therapy for the last 9 months and I'm feeling better now. I used to slice my arms and I haven't done it since last August. Also, I'm feeling much better in my own shoes.

Where you are now, it may seem that things have no solution at all, but believe me when I say they can get better and they probably will.

Hang on, Nessie, the Kittens are with ya!

[This message has been edited by Mara (edited March 13, 2002).]

[Zahir]

Nessie, speaking as someone diagnosed as clinicly depressed, here're a few words of advice:

Don't sleep or eat too much.

Spend time with really cool people--like the Kittens!

Go to a clinic or medical school and see about getting some kind of antidepressent--but be careful. They should only help you cope not wrap your nerves in cotton.

Do something you love. Preferably with someone you love (or just like lots).

May this help...

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"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam

[Morphine]

Hey Nessie...

You're going through a rough patch of weeds. Most of us young gay women have went, or still are going through the same thing. If your college has an alumni or a club for young gay people, join them. It helped me more than any Zoloft (anti-depressant) or Ms. Beaulieu (psychologist) because they understand the fears and doubts. And if not, you've got a bunch of Kittens who are extremely helpful.

Depression is different in each case. But, for all people, it's extremely important that you keep moving, that you stay attached to life and its joys, may it be friends or art or personal projects.

Also, get a lot of sun. Serotonine is the enzyme that regulates mood swings and it is produced with Vitamin D found in that big ball of flames in the sky.

St John's Wort (found in herbal tea in most drugstores) is also a natural serotonin source and it tastes pretty good with a tad of honey.

Take care of yourself, girl...

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Tara: No, see, 'cause your insect reflection represents your insignificance... in terms of the karmic cycle.

[Divine Princess Fuchsia]

Yes, we'll all give you our support. I grew up in a very strict Catholic environment so I know how rough it can be. Talking to a counsellor really does help, but there's nothing like involvment with a strong gay community to boost your spirits and make you feel accepted. If you want to, feel free to drop me a line (email address on my profile) - I've been there and I know just how horrible it can be. But, as you see, all the Kittens give you our support and acceptance - remember "you are beautiful just for being".

Kaitexxx

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''We HAVE to kill some cooler people'' - Sunday the cute vampire

''Those of you who fall into my good graces will come to know me as Maggie. Those of you who don't will know me by the name my T.A's use and think I don't know about: The Evil Bitch Monster of Death''. - Maggie Walsh

"My boyfriend is malfunctioning"
-Janeway to the Doc, "Spirit Folk", ST:VOY

[AmberBensonFan]

Nessie:

I'm a therapist and am always willing to help out someone, especially a lost kitten. If you'd like, email me and perhaps we can set up a schedule where we can chat online. Don't worry about cost, pro bono for a kitten

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Mega Wi(t)ches site:
www.megawitches.net - Will be up shortly
Enlightened Member #243, BHS Member #70, Fragile member #308

"Hey, Giles. Sharp wheels." - Will
"The rest of the car's nice too" - Tara (Real Me)

"Besides, when is there any us two. You two are the two who were the two. I'm the other one." - Will (Yoko Factor)

"A doodle. I do doodle. You too. You do doodle too." Will (Gingerbread)

[Thanatopsis]

I understand what you're going through. I went through something similar in college and drank a lot. I think almost 75% of what I earned went to drinking. It took a lot of energy to get out of bed and I actually did lose my 3.5 ave.

You took a good first step by coming here. Already so many people are willing to help, listen, give advice, etc. Start by seeing the school couseler. Maybe he or she can make some recommendations about ways you can get more involved. Its a good way to avoid the whole parent's insurance thing. I understand that too. I got a LONG lecture about it. Its hard, sometimes it seems no one understands.

If nothing else, you can certainly rant and ask for advice here. My email's in my profile. I'm more than willing to help anyway I can.

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Riley: We like the ceiling fan.
Willow: Yes! It's very...you know, kind of old south.
Buffy: But without the unpleasant slavery associations.
-The Replacement

[Xanadu]

Hey Nessie
Hang in there, hon, you're not alone! I went through the same type of thing last semester...it got to the point that I had to drop all my classes and take incompletes so I wouldn't fail everything...it's like you said, you lose the motivation to do anything. My family is really, really religious too, one of the main reasons I'm so scared to come out to any of them.

Something that helped me a lot was seeing a therapist. I know you said it's not covered in your insurance, and cost is a problem. Does your college have a counseling service? At my school they let students have three visits for free, and the therapist will worked a payment plan out with me, so I could afford it. It might be something you should look into, if you still want to talk to someone. This board is also amazingly helpful, I'm glad you can vent here If you need to talk, my e-mail's in my profile
*hugs*

Amy

[thrilledbymaclay]

Nessie-
As most people have mentioned, I have been/am going through what seem to be similar feelings. You're so far from being alone, which is unfortunate, really, that so many people go through the same painful thing.

My mom's side aren't particularly religious, but my dad and his side of the family are extremely homophobic. This wouldn't be such a problem, except for the fact that I spent much of my life (until about age 5) with my grandparents (on my dad's side). They would be extremely upset if I were to come out to them, as I've seen with my dad's cousin. He came out and has, essentially, been disowned. Also, they tend to make comments that I should do what they would like me to do, because they don't plan on being around much longer, which puts some pressure on me.

As for religious pressure, I myself was part of a fundamentalist Christian group when I decided that they were the only way to 'straighten' myself out. That's where most of my friends are, most of my support.

I'm a closeted university student as well, and I have no drive anymore either. I just sleep, sleep, eat, eat, sleep, go online, and sleep some more.

*edited spoilers, please keep it in the spoiler thread

I'm really sorry, I'm not meaning to take the attention off of your situation... I'm just finding this very, very cathartic.

I'm really happy that there is so much support available in this group.

I don't know what advice to give you, I wish I could help though. Nessie, if you want to e-mail me, my address is in my profile. I'd love to talk with you, if you want.

[This message has been edited by xita (edited March 14, 2002).]

[Zahir]

Methinks pretty much all of us have this in common--we look at the lonely, shy person named Tara and see a kindred spirit. Like us, she was misunderstood. Like us, her family hurt her. Like us, she fell in desperate love with someone and faced losing them.

Nessie, if Tara is like you in this, then remember it works the other way too. You are like Tara--worthy of not only love, but a Great Love. You, like her, can find the courage to face pain and heartbreak with hope in your heart. Like Tara, you are judged poorly by those who only glance at you--but win devotion from those (and there are many) who can see the Real You.

You are like Tara.

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"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam

[This message has been edited by Zahir (edited March 13, 2002).]

[CPS Boy]

Nessie: A lot of good advice here... but I would add exercise to the list. Just 10 to 20 minutes of exercise a day can do a lot to change the chemicals circulating in your brain and allieviate depression. Good luck girl.

Amber Benson Fan: From one therapist to another, hello. I was wondering what your degree is in? I will finish a Masters Degree in Social Work in June.

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The good fight, aye?

[This message has been edited by CPS Boy (edited March 13, 2002).]

[judy]

random question that just popped into my head: Are you referring to Child Protective Services in your screenname, CPS Boy???

Nessie, all the kitties here have given some excellent feedback. I would just like to add that support/peer groups for lgbt youth as well as coming out groups can be so helpful, sometimes more so than traditional therapy (and believe me I am not dissing therapy having been a faithful client for 10 years!). Sometimes depression does require medication and sometimes talking and getting support go a long way.

I have friends who are Latina and found that connecting with other LGBT Latino/Latina people have been so amazing -- if only to see other aspects of your own culture reflected and represented. So it isn't something that is only a source of pain and shame but can be proudly integrated within your sexual orientation/identity. There are LGBT Latino/Latina groups created for this purpose! I don't know where you live, so it may be harder to come by. I also know it made a huge difference for me to connect with other queer Asian people to undo some stereotypes I had and find wholeness in all parts of my identity. The info below may help you find good resources:

Here's a gay/lesbian search engine (check out the youth link when you open that site):
http://www.gayzoo.com

And here's another one that appears to be down right now, so I haven't checked it out for myself but have been told it's good for finding resources: http://www.qrd.org/QRD

Good luck and keep posting!

[This message has been edited by judy (edited March 14, 2002).]

[CPS Boy]

Judy: Yes it does. I am a social worker for Riverside County Child Protective Services. Riverside County is just East of Los Angeles.

Nessie, please be sure to check in and let everyone know how you are doing! Good luck girl!
.
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The good fight, aye?

[This message has been edited by CPS Boy (edited March 14, 2002).]

[This message has been edited by CPS Boy (edited March 14, 2002).]

[AmberBensonFan]

quote:

---

Originally posted by CPS Boy:
Amber Benson Fan: From one therapist to another, hello. I was wondering what your degree is in? I will finish a Masters Degree in Social Work in June.

---

I'm in forensic psych, though I also work with adolescents. Dealing with criminal adults I like to balance out with younger people in the hopes that we can catch them soon enough before it's too late. I'm more into the psychoanalytical aspect and try to stay far away from drugging my patients up, though I also stay further away from Fruedian types of therapy.

Nessie - Also, with exercise, try finding places that are well lit and warm. Perhaps think about getting sun lamps. You may be experiencing a common, but often overlooked, problem called SAD. This hits seasonally, usually in the winter months. Exercise and sun light will effect your dopimineric system, when you reach low levels you start to feel depressed. Kind of like your computer. When your computer runs low on RAM it gets slow/sluggish. You need to just reboot and try running just one or two programs at a time. This holds true for life. Try not to overload yourself and make sure you always set aside "you" time.

Also, try creative things like writing, drawing, or even something like puzzles. The most important thing is to realize that there is an issue here and to try to narrow down as many specifics as you can. Do you feel like this seasonally or just during a specific period when something might have happened in your life? Are there things you've done that have made you feel better or feel worse?

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Joining in the chorus of people pissed at Joss.

Mega Wi(t)ches site: www.megawitches.net - Will be up shortly
Enlightened Member #243, BHS Member #70, Fragile member #308

"Hey, Giles. Sharp wheels." - Will
"The rest of the car's nice too" - Tara (Real Me)

"Besides, when is there any us two. You two are the two who were the two. I'm the other one." - Will (Yoko Factor)

"A doodle. I do doodle. You too. You do doodle too." Will (Gingerbread)

[This message has been edited by AmberBensonFan (edited March 20, 2002).]quote:

[Nessie]

thanks so much for responding...your posts have been very helpful, its nice to know there's somewhere I can discuss these thigns from time to time. I'm sorry if it has taken me so long to respond and let you all know how much I appreciate your support, but like i said, I was in a car acident this past thursday and things have been kinda crazy over here...I just started dealing with the insurance people today and it looks like my car was totalled, which sucks, because if they decide its a total loss, they'll give me the bluebook value and i owe 1,000 more than that, so i'll be left in debt and carless

[Nessie]

amberbensonfan: LOL, living in Florida you get more sunlight than you need, but you're right, I never excerise and I should. It's something ive been wanting to do for a while now, but I never seem to work up the motivation I need to gets me a watcher But seriously, yeah Ive been considering getting back into swimming; I used to swim competetivly, and it was pretty cool...

[Mini-ALF]

I just wanted to say that I had similar problems when I was in college (I finished just last year). I'm not gay but I had other issues that resulted in panic attacks and depression. I also used alcohol to cover up my problems which obviously only made things worse. Exercise is great, it helps clear your head. I'm sorry you feel all alone...if you need someone to talk to you can e-mail me. It's good to use this board to vent because the people here are really great, as you probably know. Take care.

Michelle

[Ange]

I was depressed a lot too, before, when i was in college. That's maybe a normal phase. Anyway, i think that you just need to clear your head. Yeah, make excercise and go outside. And push yourself to do things.

Ange.

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"Things are not always what they seem to be...." Shakespare.

[alexis_18]

arrrggghhhh.... i am currently in college... and guess what? i am depressed, too. i think the past few years of pretending that my life is okay has finally caught up with me. now i bury myslef with literature only so i could escape this harsh reality. i also roam in the internet a lot to be distracted... is this the college curse?

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"Knowing I was a lesbian transformed the way I saw, heard, perceived the whole world." -pat califa

[WillowRose]

I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes after reading this thread. You guys are the coolest. I can't believe there have been people out there who are going through the same things, all along.
Nessie, I think going to a counselor at your school would be a great idea. Both colleges I've attended have had free counseling. Right now, I'm at this extremely conservative Christian college (really ironic--I really didn't want to go here, long story), and even they have free, professional counseling. So if you are in a situation like that, I just wanted to encourage you to remember that a counselor has to be professional, and is not supposed to judge. It lifted a great weight off my shoulders to hear that (since I was sure if I went to a counselor at this school, I would either have to edit my feelings or risk expulsion.) They (say, at least) that they can kick you out for premarital sex, as well as consumption of alcoholic beverages, even if you are 21 (I personally think they'd get slapped with a big ole honkin' lawsuit, but that's just me.) I'm bi (I think--I'm kinda questiony as to being bi or gay), and I've also been depressed for a few years, due to some stuff. I come from the Christian background, like a lot of you guys, and it wasn't so Christian, if you know what I mean (I'm sure a lot of you do.) I'm really glad we all have this support system.
I'm gonna try to do the counseling thing here, now that I've checked out the sitch (my advisor answered a lot of my questions.) Maybe it would help you feel better about it if you asked around about the counselors, and whether or not they can work something out with you money-wise. I'm willing to bet that a really caring counselor would totally take someone for free (just like our cool counselor on here said. ) And I, and I know many other kittens on this board, are always ready to listen if you need someone to listen.
I just wanted to send you and all Kittens major hugs and love. You guys are the best. I feel like I'm home here. And I'm really sorry about your car and problem with the insurance. That has to be really frustrating. If you need to vent, we'll be here a listenin.
Peace and love,
Holly

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"I know I'm not the kinda girl vamps like to sink their teeth into."

[This message has been edited by WillowRose (edited March 25, 2002).]