sf: Longing

[Viximon]

Title – Lighter shade of blue

Author name - Viximon

Rating - PG

Disclaimer –Just in “Normal Again” chapter. The BtvS show is own by Warner, Joss and all that people.

Feedback- Please, if you like it review

Notes- I’m searching yet for a beta cuz my English suck. But I do my best meanwhile. Please don’t banish me for that.

Notes2- The song is Lighter Shade of blue by Sweetbox. I love their songs maybe I inspire myself with them to write. Indeed I think this will be one of three songs, each one taking place in a different moment around Willow and Tara lives. Please, enjoy

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“ Hi, um, Tara, how are you? “



Willow was talking to herself on the hallway, looking through the window.



“W-well, I-I was wondering, maybe, you would wanna go out sometime? For coffee ... food ... kisses and gay love?” The redhead sighed, she was trying to build confidence in herself to , obvious, confront her girl…em…ex-girlfriend. Her ex-lover. Still, her everything. But it didn’t seems to come too smooth. She was nervous, but she had to put Tara back in her life on a way or another. She need her. “Hi Tara. Guess what? Magic-free now for, insert number, days now. “



Suddenly while students pass walking around, Willow somehow sensed her. It was no magic. It was something deeper. Willow know now, she understood. Butterflies go lose flipping wild in her stomach. Then she saw her. Tara, that wonderful woman that she so rudely and brainless had tossed aside of herself choosing the power over her. The beautiful blonde was walking down the hallway. Willow attempted to smile but her nerves tricked her. Fueling herself with determination she moved to intercept the woman that owned her heart.



Willow keep her eyes on her goal when Tara walked up to another girl, they both smiling at each other and then that stranger (for Willow) kissed Tara.



Willow stopped in her tracks, the silly nervous smile that played on her lips moments ago disappear. A troubled dumb expression made her eyebrows frown. After she saw Tara and the other girl laughing and talking, Willow turned quickly starting to walk away. Maybe was too late for her, she had no right no owns on Tara now, she had loosen that privilege. Maybe after all she had done to the kind quiet and lovely witch she deserved it.



Unknown for the redhead, Tara had bid goodbye to the girl and keep on walking spotting Willow’s distinctive figure. Seeing her ‘ex-girlfriend’ back among the crowd, the blonde woman frowned slightly.



****



A little sob escaped her lips. But in no time Willow took a hold on herself. It was no use. She shouldn’t cry for spilled milk. It was all her fault and now she must face the consequences. The thought of her lost made her heart scattered, it was painful. On the other hand Tara had move on. She should be happy. Happy for the one she wants happiness. Tara was happy now, wasn’t she? Then why Willow wasn’t happy. Because she wasn’t hers and vice versa. She felt jealous, she felt hurt, she felt hopeless.



That girl back at the yard seemed so close to Tara, she had kissed her Tara… well not hers anymore. Willow sighed. Perhaps it was better this way. Wasn’t it? Wasn’t it? “Tara” Willow whispered.



She doesn't smile like me.

She doesn't make you weak.

And she'll never know

How to make you laugh.

But she wont make you cry

She'll never break your heart

Like I used to do.

If you only knew all the words I couldn't say.



The no-longer-a- witch closed her eyes laying at their bed. It still felt like this, theirs .For Willow anyway. She roled on her side. The bed. Too big for the petite woman frame, too cool now without Tara. So much “toos”. Willow try to not think about Tara. It was futile.



When I close my eyes I see you

In my dreams you will be near

Wont let you disappear

But I'm here on my own

When I close my eyes and listen.

I am crying out for you

In the center of my heart.

But I'm here on my own.



Being who she was, Willow Rosenberg was used to be alone. She had pass her childhood by herself. And only sometimes had this bothered her. But now, alone on that bed, after been with Tara and been without her, now she really understand how lonely she was. Without the blonde was like the surroundings, every place was too big, so big indeed that seemed to grasp on the redhead being. A overwhelmed sensation of solitude.

She could try to forget, to redo her life. Get over Tara and move on, she could do it. No, she couldn’t . It was a lie. She never couldn’t and wouldn’t forget all what they shared or had shared.

Willow’s Always will remain Tara. What was she for the blonde? The compassionate, gentle witch had proven her love for Willow countless times. And then, again, the redhead had throw all by the windows. It was normal and healthy for Tara to meet new people and all the stuff. The sadness for the both of them run inside.



Ooooooooooh, Baby. Oooooooooooooh

I think I'm all for you.

But it's not true.

It's just a

Lighter shade of blue

Lighter shade of blue.



She couldn’t get much sleep this days. The nights sleep claimed her body, her mind was out of the deal. She usually dreamed about the magic, her failure, her mistakes, how she putted in danger her friend and herself, but mostly Tara. Sometimes she would woke up screaming, sweating and feeling so bad… But the nightmares had lowered eventually. Willow wish they hadn’t. Because her dreams had become good dreams, longing sweet dreams about her time, her good times with Tara, times when she had the blonde in her arms, when they two loved each other deeply. Then, when Willow opened her eyes to the cruel reality of her loneliness she feel like the actual nightmare began.





Can you still hear me breathe?

When you touched me deep

Can you hear the sounds?

Can you feel the heat?

I was just to scared to let you own the deepest part of me.

I left paradise and I did not even say good bye



She frequently patted Tara’s side of the bed wondering how Tara was doing. How much Willow hated herself for what she had do. How foolish had she been.

Only one thing remaining, providing her the strength to went ahead through another day, to go back to herself again. And that was the thought of a certain blonde witch. But after the meeting with that new arrived girl, Willow wasn’t so sure about anything. The hope lingered even so.



oooooooooooh

(when I close my eyes and see you)

Yeah

(In my dreams you will be near)

(wont let you disappear)

No

(But I'm hear on my own)

Hey

When I close my eyes and listen

(oh)

I am crying out for you

In the center of my heart

(My heart, my heart)

But I'm hear on my own.



Maybe Willow could win Tara back… maybe not. All was so confusing.



Ooooooooooh

Baby

No

Oooooooh

Ooooooh

Ooooh

I think I'm all for you

But it's not true.

It's just a lighter shade of blue.



But she had to try. Tara was her everything, her always. She still was her one, her beloved. She will be her forever for eternity. They were soulmates. Their destiny was find each other and stay that way.



I think I'm over you.

But it's not true.

It's just a lie

in shade of blue

Lighter shade of blue.





***



When Buffy enter the house she found Willow tipping on her laptop at the table.



“Watcha doin’?” Buffy asked. She had sensed her best friend anger mixed with confusion and fear, more like hopeless. The most heavy emotion of them, thought, was sadness.



In no time, after a little chat and excuse talking about Xander and his suddenly disappearance, Buffy had found what bothered Wilow. It was no secret. Tara.

Willow explained how she had seen her with that girl. Willow voiced her fear and hope to Buffy.

“I mean that they’re probably just friends” the redhead pouted “I press my lips against my friends’ all the time”

Buffy smiled internally at her friend cuteness. Willow hadn’t been herself for a while but now she was back and Buffy was happy for it. They hadn’t been so close since the slayer resurrection but things where mending.

“I’m sure they’re just friends. Once you fall for Willow, you stay fallen”

Willow smiled “Thanks Buffy”



She wished so bad to believe Buffy to be right. And right she was. Soon enough Tara had come to casa Summer. Meanings a little unknown because the crazy-Buffy fiasco. But that feed Willow’s optimism hight.

[willohand]

i like it already.having flashbacks of willow praticing asking out tara.i was so hopeful until the other woman,will this have a happy ending? i look foward to reading.

[willlovestara]

Wow! I love this so far, keep going! Btw, your English is fine. In fact it's better than mine and I'm FROM England!! Hannah.

[Viximon]

Good night kittens. Night for me at the time I'm a little sleepy but with university work I don't have anytime left if not sacrifing my health stalling awake a little bit more.

Well i want to thank you readers.



willohand: hello there. Thank you very much for review me. The story is a little bored I know and maybe you get a little lost because there are twist and turns of events. Don't worry though. It will be only 2 chapters more so patience, and you understand it. Thank you again. Hope you like this new update.



willovestara: jajajaja My English is fine? Funny one. But I know you mean well so thank you very much. I like you like the fic. This second chapter is a between the story and is a little depressing but I was a little dense this days sorry. Hope you stay with me along this and the next and last chapter 3.



Is that all for now nyaaa, better I upload soon (in a few minutes) so I can sleep a little.

See you guys. Enjoy (or try to)

[Viximon]

Title – Everybody

Author name - Viximon

Rating - PG

Disclaimer –Until end of season 6. The BtvS show is own by Warner, Joss and all that people.

Feedback- Please, if you like it review

Notes- Still searching for a beta. I don't know what happen. I'm like a beta's repelent or something. If someone out there will take merci on me and help me in that is very welcome

Notes2- The song is Everybody by Sweetbox(again).

Note/Warning?: This chapter is alittle independent and against, mostly Tara POV.

The next one will be the last and conclusive with a happy and predictable ending.

Please, enjoy

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All was going so well, too well.

After the spiral of blindness deceive Willow had taken I had to leave. All had fallen apart so hard. She wasn’t herself anymore, I couldn’t understand where we were wrong. I never thought this will happen. It hurt. It hurt too much what she did. What she did to me. It hurts still. But the funny thing is… I never stopped to love her.



The rest of the scoobies informed me about what was happening around. Sometimes I wanted so much to run back. But this was the right decision. I kept saying that again and again to myself hoping it worked and I could strain my will to return when wasn’t right time yet.

Days passed by, then weeks. I was told Willow had quit the magics. That she was doing well, that she had changed. I was a little reticent at first. My mind a turmoil of contradiction emotions. I didn’t know what to think. Then I saw her, the uncomfortable-ness was all around. It was odd. But I could tell she was more Willow than ever. More like the Willow I love more than live itself, my cute sweet Willow, kind and funny.

At Buffy’s party Willow showed her feelings in a way that it make me seized with emotion. When she refused to do any kind of spells and all, my heart inflated itself out of proud. She had been so strong…

She had give up the only thing she thought made her special, she had given up a part of herself… and mostly,for me. This, most than anything made me felt so loved and important, the most happy woman in the world. I had noted how Willow had made little moves on me. I wanted her to. A part of me only wanted to have her again in my arms, to be hers once more, to things to work like they used to at first… It wasn’t too much for yearn, was it?



We met “casually” on the hallways between or after classes after that. Sometimes I had to suppress a smirk because the ways of Willow. She was so obvious. I could read her like a open book. There was that time I caught her walking away just after I had meet a friend of mine, a female friend. It didn’t took me too much time to know what Willow may being thinking if she had seen us. And, by the way she walked in a little rush and her unhappy disappointed aura, she had. I proposed myself to undo the misunderstanding. How silly of Willow to think I could replace her so easily. Didn’t she know she was the one, my deepest only love. The woman that had played with my heart and despite of that it still have this longing to touch the redhead’s. Love sure was a twisted and strange joker.



To put it short, at last we came together again. It was the most precious memento since we broke up. I had shown at the door of her room. By her face I’m sure she didn’t expect me. I had gone with my little speech about how things had been and stuff but at one point I was saying her to kiss me. And kiss me she did. That night the missing pieces filled its places and I felt whole again. Willow, I think, felt the same. It was like if we had start over again, more aware, more mature, with much more love for each other. This time we would work the mistakes together and at her begin. It seemed like life were smiling to us at last. But this happiness didn’t last long. After that second night, a night full of love, teasing and caressing. We were ripped away of each other one more time, a last time. That was the day I died.



I never knew what hit me. A moment I was face to face with my grinning girlfriend, the next all went black. Never knew what happened to my beloved, and was mean to never know. I didn’t felt sad though I didn’t felt happy either. From Buffy I knew that when dead for good people was supposed to be a blissful place yada yada. Then why I was feeling so empty



I was hypothetical to go to a heavenly dimension or something sort of. But something back at the word of the livings happened. Willow, my Willow happened. The Willow that had fought so hard to be herself again and leave the black magic, and magic in general behind had gone out of control. The pain of losing me had been the cause, my sudden departure, I had been the cause of her fall. She was hurt so much and so deep she couldn’t stand it. My poor Willow. That wonderful woman that would had die for me, had killed for me.That was the great of her love. I was horrified, utterly sad for what she had done, but really couldn’t blame her more that she would blame herself in the future. Besides, is told that what is done for love is a matter far away of good or evil . She was blind with pain and regret, her ache, her grief, nobody seems to comprehend it. This wouldn’t help her lost soul, alone and somewhat frightened, she was like a wounded animal, acting on a rampage to defend herself, to low the hurt, to forget. She was hostile and merciless. That was all out of instinct, of restrained emotion through years, of hate, of the darkness that slept inside waiting for the right trigger. Hurt them before they hurt you.

Willow hurt our friends, our family, she didn’t heard. She not only contained her own pain, she too soon (because of Giles) carried over her shoulders the world’s. It was a miracle that she didn’t turn crazy (well, her state of mind wasn’t her best but…) So she decided finish the pain killing herself… and taking the world down with her. I’m still thinking that this was a act of pity somehow the caring Willow was trapped inside the darkmonster. At last Xander made it and stopped Willow whom humanity weighted on her and would punish her for the rest of her live.

So since her sins, Willow soul was ordained to hell until her guilt were compensated. She was meant to correct her mistakes, to search for redemption. Therefore my spirit was trapped in earth like that of a ghost. Is not that I left a inconclusive something, it was that my anima couldn’t go to heaven when half of my soul was going to be throw to hell. Could it?

This way, I roam this plane of existence. Guiding Willow. Being with her. She can’t see me or anything. She has becomes such a shell of herself. The spark in her beautiful eyes is gone, she had to cope with her actions and it consumed her inside out. She is trying so much… She always putted a brave face in front of her friends, always stood strong for them but the truth was she was quite the opposite. When alone she still trembled and cried her heart out. The self-loathing she carried… I would give anything for the chance of hug her again, she need me so much… I need her so much…

Sometimes when I whisper shooting words to her, when I touch her with my inexistent hand. Sometimes is like that bound we had remain. Like she could hear me, feel me. Almost see me…



In your mind, in your soul, do you hear me

Moving blind, in control, do you fear me

I’m the fight in your bones when you’re weary

But like a star in the day you can’t see me

The angels shut my eyes

But I’m still with you inside so

When you close your eyes and pray

I’m not too far away



I can tell she think she’s losing it sometimes. When we are alone in the room, in the silence, in those moments she lift her head and stare blankly and hopeful right into my eyes. It’s like she could sense me. My heart mirror hers with expectation. Then she whisper my name. So slowly, with care and love, softly. Her voice sound frail. She keep this look, but then she focus and glance through me… she don’t see me, she realized here is nothing and that beautiful emerald eyes of hers, tired now, start to get blurry. The tears flow silently down her cheeks. She try to suppress the sobs and murmur like a mantra “Tara, Tara, Tara…” until her voice broke. My eyes are full of tears too at that point, or before that, I can’t tell anymore. She’s so broken.And I can’t do anything. Usually Willow cry herself to sleep, with hushed noises, her mouth moving voiceless still spelling my name. It’s so heartbreaking. Now and then, she woke with a start screaming. Plagued with nightmares. There is her price to pay. But even though I want to help her, I can do very little.



Normally I’m so centered in make Willow feel me and try to soothe her that I forget my current situation.

She had always been my first priority so only afterward she go over me I could afford think of myself. I want Willow to be happy, at last the happy she could get (she had been through so much). Buffy, Dawn and the others are going well I think. I never thought I mean that much for them. They mean a lot to me, they were my family, together with Willow. She had open to me a new world, a world so wonderful…

Our time had passed now, we had been happy, we had lived, the two lovers had loved each other and now was time to good bye and move on



Everybody has to learn to let go

Even though it’s hard some days I know

Everybody has to learn to let go

Lalalalalalalala

Everybody has to learn to let go

Even though it’s hard some days I know

Everybody has to learn to let go

Lalalalalalalala



Again, Tara don’t want to, but had to leave. Willow had to let her go. “How selfish of me” thought Tara. She was griping on Willow, too. She had to let go as well.

It was so hard. She understand Willow pain because it was hers. She don’t understand the fates. Why had this happen? Her wicca beliefs told her everything have a reason. Tara couldn’t found it. The only good point was that Willow carry on thanks to the devotion to her lover. When Willow’s will weakened Tara was there reassuring the redhead regardless the living one couldn’t hear or feel her, Tara knew that deep inside, unconsciously Willow hear her, knew she was there with her and always will somehow.



You would scream in the night wishing I was there

Lost your faith, mad at God thought he didn’t care

All those nights, through the stars I could see you

Did you know when you fell I carried you

The angels shut my eyes

But I’m still with you inside so

When you close your eyes and pray

I’m not too far away



How much she want to return. How much she wished. Hoped. Prayed to be in her arms, to have her in hers. To kiss her again. Caress the red flaming hair. Touch her, feel her. Love her. How much she desire



Can you hear me

Can you hear me, can you hear me,

Can you hear me, do you really feel me

Can you hear me,

Can you hear me, do you really feel me

Can you hear me, do you really feel me

Can you hear me?



I know you loved me, don’t cry for me…



She loved Willow so much that hurt. Seeing this way that Willow loved her back with such intensity…

The situation was tearing the two of them . Willow was like a doll, she moved around faking she was healing, missing Tara, consumed by guilt, replaying again and again all her mistakes. Seeing the blonde quiet witch everywhere every time. Lost. Being half of herself.

Tara was like a wretchedness shadow, wandering around trying her best to be again the strong one (falling miserably), missing Willow, consumed by sadness, cursing her stupid death. Following Willow everywhere and hurt to see less and less of her in the walking corpse of the hacker without can comfort her. Lost. Being half of herself.



Tara wished for a miracle to happen, to Willow to see her, to her to be alive again, to this to be a mistake a kind of nightmare , anything.



“Tara” the quite small voice spoke at her side. The soul turned to see a sleeping Willow, so vulnerable at her side on the bed. With a sad smile, she lay beside the petite human being. “Hush, baby. I’m here. I’m here”

[willlovestara]

Wow! Such a powerful update, very nearly made me ! Thanks for the update, can't wait for more. Hannah.