Blood, Toil, Sweat, and Tears (S6AE) updated 9/11

[kittyhontas]

BLOOD, TOIL, SWEAT, AND TEARS

CATEGORY: Season 6 Alternate Ending.
SPOILERS: Yes. Through ‘Wrecked’
ANGST: Yes.
CLIFFHANGERS: Yes
RATING: PG-13-ish
DISCLAIMERS. Portrays consensual adult relationship between 2 women; Author doesn’t own characters—M.E. and J.W. do. Written for fun, not financial gain. I wrote this three years ago and never felt brave enough to post it (or anything) I know its lame to post a fic on my first post. Usually I just lurk...

I was thinking about what JW did to Tara and his explanation for why.... and I thought what if Willow hit a bottom that didn't involve Tara's death? That's how this idea started. So be warned. Lotsa angst.



Blood, Toil, Sweat and Tears


“Burning Bridges”

Smoke rose from the hood of the car as he eyed his prey. His creator, the witch, was powerful, but the one with her was more interesting to him. Sniffing the air, he heard a whimper rise from the hissing wreck. Good. At least one had survived. Then, through the shifting smoke, he could see the girl moving, obviously injured. She was trying to rouse the witch, who didn’t respond. Crouching, he slowly approached them. Now the girl was almost in his reach, and he prepared to strike.

Pausing, he felt a surge of energy pass through his body. It made his temples pulse. Oh, he was lucky indeed, for she was more than a girl. No, it wasn’t a girl at all. His heart pounded, nearly skipping a beat. This was something much better. Barely able to contain his excitement, he bared his teeth, his mouth watering as he closed the gap between them.

Cradling her arm, Dawn tried to wake Willow. As she checked to see if Willow was breathing, she sensed the presence of danger and froze. The hair on the back of her neck stood up. Filling with a sense of dread, she realized he was about to touch her. Knowing it was probably futile, she threw herself out of the car, and tried to crawl under it for protection. But it was too late. As he leapt forward, she let out a shrill, piercing scream. It echoed into the cold and cloudless night. He had her in his grasp. Soon it would all be over.

* * *

“Did you hear that?” Buffy asked Spike, as she turned and started running toward the sound.

Spike was hot on her heels as Buffy entered the alley and approached the accident. A red hairy thing growled and sneered at her as she approached. She saw only that it had Dawn before her instincts took over and she attacked, first striking the beast from behind and then dragging it away from her sister. Despite its fierce appearance, the beast retreated into the night after only a short fight, limping as it ran away.

Buffy rushed to Dawn. Spike was already by her side. He looked up at Buffy as he gestured toward the girl. “Let’s get her to a hospital. She’s hurt.” Together they helped her to her feet and the three of them slowly made their way toward the street.

Willow’s head pulsed with pain as she opened her eyes. As the dashboard littered with glass came into focus and then blurred again, she instantly realized where she was, and what she’d done. Pushing herself off the steering wheel, she looked for Dawn in the passenger seat. It was empty. She was gone. Panicking, she turned and looked down the alley. She could see people walking, their forms black against the glow of the streetlamps, but with her blurred vision, she could not tell if they were approaching her or moving further away. Dragging her sore body up and out of the car, she staggered a few feet toward the figures. She could see now that the distance between them was increasing, and without the strength to catch up with them, she called out for help as she sunk to the ground, hoping they would turn back and come to her.

As Buffy and Spike carried Dawn out of the alley, Buffy heard Willow’s cry. But she did not stop, or even turn around to look, out of fear that it would weaken her resolve. She knew what Willow had done, that Willow had chosen magic over love, chosen magic over friendship. Willow was a sinking ship. And Buffy, driven mostly by her anger at her old friend, forced herself to put one foot in front of the other and keep walking away.

* * *

Later that night, Buffy tucked Dawn into bed. Her wrist was fractured, but it was not a bad break and no surgery would be necessary. A young Doctor had put her arm in a cast and predicted she’d be as good as new in six weeks. Sighing, she closed the door to the bedroom and headed downstairs. She thought of calling Giles, but feared the advice he might give. And Tara didn’t need to hear about the day’s events just yet. She’d call her tomorrow rather than ruin her sleep.

She found Spike leaning against the wall at the base of the stairs in the foyer. “She okay? Settled in for the night, then?”

“Yeah.” Buffy answered. “She’s fine…”

“No, she’s not. Not fine.”

“No, I guess she’s not. But she will be. We all will be...” Her voice grew quiet and she paused, “except…”

The vampire approached her and pulled her into a hug. “Except you can’t help her. She doesn’t want to be helped. That wasn’t your friend back there, not anymore. Red’s gone somewhere bad.”

“I know.” Buffy dropped her head and pulled away from Spike.

He looked at her as she backed into the living room. “So? You’re good then? ‘Cause if you want me to… to stay, I can do that.”

“No, I’m good. You go.” Buffy tried to sound confident.

“Okay then, I’m going.” Spike stepped onto the porch and closed the door behind him. Just before it clicked shut he heard Buffy speak. “Spike?”

Pushing the door open a bit, he hoped she wanted him to stay. “Yeah?”

“No lurking out front necessary tonight, okay? Go back to your crypt, or whatever.”

“Yeah, I was gonna…” He shook his head, a little disgusted. It was all the same, really.

“And Spike? Thanks.” Buffy walked into the kitchen as Spike pulled the door shut. Muttering something about the slayer as he lit up a cigarette, he headed out into the night.

TBC[/b]

[kittyhontas]

“Where The Heart Is”

Tara sat in the UC Sunnydale library. She was frozen, a textbook open in front of her. Blinking, she tried to steady her focus on the page for what was probably the tenth time in the last hour. Try as she might, she just couldn’t get the images generated by the events of the previous morning out of her mind. Willow and Amy. Willow and magic. What was it the former rat had said? Transmogrification? Blow-hard dude? She shook her head. Surely the reenactments her imagination was busy staging were worse than what had really happened. Was Willow really replacing her? With magic? With Amy?

No, she shook her head. It couldn’t be. She needed to talk to Willow. Maybe she hadn’t done the right thing when she left. She knew Willow continued to put herself in danger and she couldn’t just stand by and watch. She loved Willow too much to not step in, even if it was only to have Willow confirm her worst fears, or to push her away and refuse her help. Willow didn’t respect the powerful forces she thought she controlled. And even though the redheaded witch had used magic to invade her thoughts and control her, Tara felt guilty for leaving Willow. A part of her felt that she had abandoned Willow in a time of need. And if she stayed away now, and something happened to Willow, or to her friends, Tara could never forgive herself.

Realizing that she would not be able to study until she saw Willow, she packed up her books and headed across campus toward the Summer’s residence.

When she got to the house, she noticed all the lights were out. Checking her watch, it was just past five. Early evening. Buffy was probably still working, but Willow and Dawn should be here, she thought. She knocked even though she knew no one was going to answer. Pulling out her key, she unlocked the door and pushed it open. The house was cold and empty. Miss Kitty greeted her with meows and she pulled the cat up into her arms.

“Kitty, I’ve missed you.” She snuggled the cat and headed to the kitchen.

On the fridge she found her explanation in the form of a note from Dawn to Buffy. It wasn’t awful. When she realized they were out to a movie, she relaxed, fed the cat, and started toward the front door. She intended to leave, but instead, for no reason in particular, she went upstairs. She lingered at Willow’s door a moment before slowly pushing it open. The curtains were drawn. The light switch clicked as she flicked it on, revealing the mess the room was in.

She sat down on the unmade bed and soaked in the not typical silent Summers' house. How did things get so screwed up? Glancing around the room, she wondered if the picture of her and Willow still sat on the bedside table, under the pile of dirty clothes now piled there. Clothes, shoes, and garbage littered the floor. Dresser drawers left varying degrees of open displayed their disheveled contents. Tara shook her head. This was not the room of the Willow she knew. Not wanting Buffy to come home and find her crying, she collected herself and headed back to the dorm room she’d rented for the rest of the semester.

Back in her small room, she sat on the bed and tried to force herself to read from the Art History text open on her lap. It wasn’t long before she dozed off, the book still open to the same page it had been open to in the library.

When Tara dreamed of Willow calling out for help, she woke with a start in the middle of the night. She calmed herself down, telling herself it was just a dream as she tried to go back to sleep. But sleep did not come. She stared into the darkness, her heart heavy. Heavy and empty all at the same time, she thought. She tried to picture Willow, back in their bed, safe and sleeping. It was an image she couldn’t hold onto as she drifted back into a dreamscape full of self-doubt and fear. Images of Willow casting black magics filled her dreams that night.

* * *

Willow didn’t remember how she got to the battered women’s shelter. When she woke up in a bed there, she thought at first that she was in jail. But she had familiarity with the shelter from some volunteer work she’d done, and it didn’t take her long to figure out where she was. Sitting up, she saw her boots and coat on a table nearby, and she dressed and left. No one stopped her on her way out. As she walked down the street she strained to recall the events of the previous day.

Everything was pretty fuzzy, and she wasn’t able to jar her memory. Shifting her focus to her current problem, she needed somewhere to go. Her friends didn’t want to deal with her. She couldn’t deal with her parents. And Tara… Tara would never love her again. Tara deserved better.

Willow walked for a few hours before she found what she was looking for. Rack had been moving a lot lately. She entered the cloaked house and found the usual scene. A few rough looking guys were hanging out in the entry. Rack let Willow sit in the front room for a while. She watched as he took others back and ignored her, knowing he was bored with her. And she waited, hoping he would see her, even though she had so little to give.

Finally, Rack came out. “So, Strawberry, this makes three in a row, doesn’t it? Keep showing up and you just might wear out your welcome. Why don’t you come back after you’ve recharged a little?”

“Please,” Willow’s voice was desperate, “just once. For tonight, I just need a little…”

“Come on then, I guess you wanna be all used up.”

* * *

Three days after the accident, Buffy still hadn’t called Giles. Or Tara. Or Xander and Anya. Spike had stayed away and Buffy had kept Dawn home from school. They’d watched movies and cartoons and Buffy reassured Dawn that she hadn’t done anything wrong. There were hugs and cuddles, but no discussion of Willow.

Dawn was the one who finally broke the silence on the subject.

“Where do you think she would go?”

At first Buffy didn’t know who Dawn was talking about, but before she could ask, she realized it was Willow Dawn was talking about.

“I don’t know, Dawn. And I don’t think we want to know.”

“Do you think she’s hurt?”

Buffy couldn’t answer. She hadn’t let herself think about it.

“Buffy?” Dawn prodded. “She probably needs us.”

Buffy only shook her head as she pulled a chair up beside Dawn.

“Willow can’t be helped until she wants help,” she said softly. “Willow isn’t who you think she is, not anymore.”

“Yeah, but…” Dawn started to cry.

“But nothing. But when she comes clean and asks us for help we’ll be there. Dawn, she’s changed, she isn’t Willow anymore, and I don’t think she’s going to ask for our help.”

Dawn just nodded as tears rolled down her cheeks. “I just wish we knew she had…
...a safe place.”

TBC

[kittyhontas]

“Every Road”

Willow woke up on the floor in a dimly lit, dusty room. She didn’t know where she was. Her sides and back hurt and she was thirsty. Very thirsty. It took all her strength to stand.

Blinking in the dusky light, she headed toward the door to the room and made her way out and into a hallway. Seeing stairs, she climbed them and found herself in someone’s living room. She exited through the front door, not remembering whether she had even met any of the occupants the day before.

She squinted into the brightness of the day as she made her way outside and into a run down neighborhood. All the houses were in various states of disrepair, but despite this fact, most had bars on the windows. She recognized the area—it adjoined the industrial park west of the city.

By now her clothes were visibly dirty. So were her face, hands, and hair. She’d lost her coat but wasn’t worried about it: it wasn’t cold, not that she would have felt it if it were. The cash she’d taken from home was nearly gone now, though she couldn’t account for most of it. She wandered up and down the streets looking for somewhere to go, somewhere she might rest and get a drink.

* * *

Tara knocked on the Summers’ door. Cold feet had kept her away for a few days while she tried to talk herself out of intervening, but she ultimately came to the same conclusion each time she reworked things in her head. She had to find out if Willow needed help. She owed her that much. She had waited until now because she knew she would need to remain calm when she confronted her. Now that she thought she could approach Willow with objectivity and compassion, she was ready.

After a wait that almost broke her nerve to stand there, Buffy answered. “Tara?”

Tara smiled nervously. “Hey Buffy, I’m sorry to just drop by… I… I just wanted to see Willow. I thought if I called, she w-wouldn’t see me.”

Buffy swallowed and opened the door. “Come in Tara. Dawn will be glad you’re…”
As Buffy spoke, Dawn’s high-pitched greeting drowned her out. Tara turned to see Dawn sprawled out on the couch, her injured arm propped up on a pillow. Her other hand held the remote control and junk food covered the table.

Tara was instantly concerned about Dawn’s arm. “Dawnie, what happened? Demon?”

No answer came. Tara glanced between the sisters. “Dawnie? Buffy? What happened?”

Buffy looked at the blonde witch. “Tara, I have to tell you something about Willow. You should probably sit down.”

* * *

Willow leaned against the brick building as she vomited. Without wanting to admit it to herself, she had wandered for hours looking for Rack. She didn’t sense him as she wandered through all the neighborhoods that were his known haunts. Deep down, she knew she couldn’t find him because of something that had happened during her last encounter with him. If she could have remembered the details of the meeting, she would have known why she couldn’t find him, and why she was so sick.

After emptying the contents of her stomach she laid down in the alley, exhausted. In her mind, she had nothing left in her life that was of any value. She had nothing left to give and nothing left to live for.

Sighing, she knew Rack was done with her. Just like everyone else. It was the end of the road, and she didn’t want to face it alone. She fought back tears as she staggered to her feet and out into the dim yellow glow of the streetlamps. She knew she was in no position to be making any serious decisions. But the time for going back was past. Willow had lost a part of herself somewhere. Without it, she’d given up hope for herself.

* * *

Tara shook her head. She couldn’t believe the story that Buffy and Dawn told her. Things had gone from really bad to much worse, and she was still in denial over the really bad. Now Willow was missing and no one had heard from her.

No amount of discussion could provide answers for Buffy or Tara. Both knew this, but still they hashed out the situation for hours over coffee. Neither knew what to do. Buffy apologized both for leaving Willow and for not calling Tara. Tara apologized for not explaining to Buffy how bad things were getting before she left. Finally, it was Dawn who came up with the suggestion that Tara and Buffy had to accept. Call Giles.

And they agreed to do just that, first thing in the morning. Tara would stay over, and they would get Giles on the phone the next day, and everything would work out. One way or the other, it had to.

That night after Dawn and Buffy went to sleep, Tara used magic to try and sense Willow. Locking herself in the bathroom, she lit incense and stood inside a sacred circle she created with rose bath salts she’d found in the cupboard and blessed. She hadn’t wanted Buffy or Dawn to watch because she didn’t know what would happen. But it didn’t matter anyway. It was to no avail. The spell did not work. Willow’s energy was totally blocked, and Tara knew that wherever she was, she didn’t want to be found.

* * *

Willow walked up the ramp of Sunnydale’s main drag, headed toward the now dry ravine that cut through the middle of town. She sat down on the highest point of the bridge that connected and divided the two sides of the city, hanging her feet over the edge. It was time to stop walking and worrying. Sunrise was close and she just wanted to rest.

Tears filled her eyes as she clutched the ring that hung from a silver chain around her neck. Willow was emotionally exhausted. She’d finally hit bottom and now she was perched on the edge of rational thought. Her thought process wasn’t elaborate. She just wanted one thing in that moment: an end to the hurt. The emptiness below her called out to her. It was big and dark, like her inside. Big enough and dark enough to swallow up all her problems, all of her pain.

* * *

The next morning as Dawn got ready for school, Tara and Buffy sat down over coffee, preparing to make a difficult phone call.

“What time is it over there anyway?” Buffy scrunched up her nose and looked at her watch. “We’re gonna wake him up, aren’t we?”

Tara hadn’t even thought of the time change what with all the high emotions over Willow’s absence. She was pretty sure it was OK. They weren’t going to wake him.

“Here, you do it.” Buffy handed Tara the phone. “He won’t yell at you.”

As Tara nodded and reached out for the phone, it rang. Buffy, surprised for a moment, answered timidly. “Hello?”

TBC

[BlackIndiaInk]

Oh, I like this. I like where you have started it from.

So, Rack is done wtih Willow, eh? Hmm... I wonder.

I liked that we got to get inside Tara after she left Willow. It was nice to hear some of her inner turmoil. The feelings of guilt were to be expected, I suppose. I liked seeing it written out.

As Tara nodded and reached out for the phone, it rang. Buffy, surprised for a moment, answered timidly. “Hello?”

Oh, evil cliffhanger.... You have piqued my curosity very much.

Please continue.... soon

Brea

[MiniShrink]

I'm wondering whether you'll still have Xander save the world, or Tara do it. (I'm quite partial to the latter) Anyway, I've seen a few fics dealing with Willow's self-destructive spiral into black magick, and I just have one request: don't take the stereotypical 'poor Willow, she's so unloved' route. Yes, we should feel sorry for Willow for being in a pathetic state, but... you've read those clichés, right? Where they all immediately forgive her, where she keeps putting herself down and brings everyone to tears with her self-hatred? She's probably deep in self-hatred, sure, but... just don't do the cliché thing. Please. Let everyone acknowledge that yeah, she messed up?

Just that you're doing great so far, and this story turning clichéd would probably end with me repeatedly banging my head against the desk.

[Darkness]

Oh, this is a good story. I love those stories that changes either Entropy or Smashed/Wreckeds storyline. And Willow all alone, while the others try to move on or try to help her. I hope it will be more soon, I'm into this story. Good work!

[kittyhontas]

Wow. feedback. Wow.

Not sure I'm ready for this, but here goes...

BlackIndiaInk,
thank you. We'll have to see about Rack. I will only say he had not made his only appearance. l hope to update frequently for a while anyway as the story is mostly written and I only have a little fleshing out of the middle to do in order to complete it. Now that I have taken that first (giant) step and posted the beginning, I am going to post through to the end, and complete it. Its been hanging over my head for 3 years! LOL.

MiniShrink,
I appreciate what you have to say about addicted-willow cliches. I am thinking about how the story will progress and since it is already written, I am not sure I can promise you not to go there. Still, I will keep your comments in mind during editing and I do understand what you mean. I sort of think in cliches, so I'm not sure I'll be able to avoid them.

Darkness,
Thank you for the comment. I can never watch the series past about mid season 6 and all my fave fan fics pick up somewhere in that timeline, so of course my first real fanfic also starts there...

Now I am about to post the next part of this story. Please please keep in mind 1. it is already written, and 2. this next part may make people mad or sad. Someone we love will be hurt (just not Tara). This started as an experiment to see if Willow could hit bottom without Tara dying, and although the ending will certainly conform to the rules of this board, a lot of bad stuff is going to happen before that. Drama and angst are at the top of the list. I just don't want anyone to read on if they aren't prepared...Ending aside, I wouldn't call this a happy fic. It was my way of dealing with T's death on the show.

Thank you again for your time and for the kind comments.

KH.

[kittyhontas]

Blood, Toil, Sweat and Tears
CATEGORY: Season 6 Alternate Ending.
SPOILERS: Yes. Through ‘Wrecked’
ANGST: Yes, Yes, Yes.
CLIFFHANGERS: Yes
RATING: PG-13-ish
DISCLAIMERS. Portrays consensual adult relationship between 2 women; Author doesn’t own characters—M.E. and J.W. do. Written for fun, not financial gain.



“Watch and Wait”

Tara, Buffy, and Dawn arrived at the hospital to find Anya and Xander already sitting in the waiting room. “Any news?” Buffy asked.

“She’s in surgery.” Xander said.

“She’s bleeding inside.” Anya finished.

“What happened?” Tara asked

“We don’t know.” Xander said, scowling at Anya. “They haven’t told us much.”

A young Doctor walked into the waiting area. Looking at his notes, he looked toward the Scooby gang. “Family of Willow Rosenberg?”

“Yes, that’s us…” Tara stood up and took a step toward the sheepish but friendly looking man. Dawn stood to follow her, but Buffy held her back.

“You’re her…?” he looked at his notes, “…her sister?”

“No… I’m her…” Tara paused and took a breath. “…Her partner.”

“Oh. Well, OK. Well, come with me. We can sit… here.” The doctor motioned to some empty chairs set up in the hallway, out of sight of the waiting area.

“I have a p-power of attorney for her.” Tara stated as she sat.

“That’s good. The hospital will need a copy of that. Miss Rosenberg’s insurance names her parents as next of kin. We have been unable to get them over the phone. Are you in contact with them?”

“N-no. No, but I know her Father is working in Israel, and they w-won’t be back for a few months. Is W-willow okay?”

The doctor looked down. “This isn’t going to be easy to tell you. We believe Ms. Rosenberg fell from a height of over forty feet. Her injuries are severe, but she is currently stable.”

Tears welled up in Tara’s eyes. “Is s-s-she going to l-live?”

“I can’t say, but I think so. She has lost a lot of blood… she was bleeding internally when she arrived and we had to remove her spleen to stop the bleeding. She has made it through that hurdle but she has other injuries. Right now there are a couple of things going on. She has a head injury and a back injury. For now, her head injury is stable.”

“And her back?” Tara whispered.

“She fractured a vertebrae in her lower back. She will need surgery to stabilize the fracture, but we can’t do that until the pressure in her head comes down a little.” The doctor shifted and glanced away, uncomfortable giving Tara so much bad news at one time, but he continued. “I know this is a lot of information at once, but if she survives, I expect she will remain paralyzed from the waist down.”

“Paralyzed? Permanently?” The words came out of Tara’s mouth but the ringing in her ears was so loud she didn’t hear herself speak.

“She has a very bad injury to her spinal cord. I believe it will be a permanent injury for her.” The Doctor paused. He could see that Tara was about to break down. “Do you have family here for you? Could I get someone for you?”

“Buffy,” Tara managed as the tears she’d been holding back started rolling down her cheeks. The doctor rose and walked back to the waiting area. He returned with Buffy a few seconds later.

The Doctor and Buffy approached Tara. Tara looked up at Buffy. “Buffy?” Tara asked, her eyes glassy and red. “W-willow might die. And if she doesn’t she’s g-going to be p-paralyzed.”

“Oh no, Willow!” Buffy gasped. And, realizing that Tara needed support, she quickly embraced her. Tara started to sob into her shoulder. “I should not have abandoned her.”

Buffy consoled the blonde “This isn’t your fault, Tara. You did nothing to cause this.”

“Exactly,” said Tara “I did nothing. She needed me and I did nothing.” The doctor shifted, reminding the women of his presence. Tara pulled her head away from Buffy and turned to him. “Can I see her?” she asked.

“In a few minutes, a nurse will come and get you. She is in intensive care and can only have two visitors at a time. You can go in and see her in shifts. And, if it is possible, you should contact her parents.”

Tara nodded, and the doctor stood and left.

For a while, neither Tara nor Buffy spoke. Nothing could be said to make things right in that moment. Putting her hand on Tara’s, Buffy finally asked, “Should I go tell the others?”

Tara chewed her lower lip as another tear rolled down her red cheek. “Yeah.” Buffy rose. Tara reached her hand out to the slayer. “I’ll go too. I should be the one to tell them.” Buffy took the extended hand and pulled Tara up and into a small hug. Putting her arm behind Tara’s back, Buffy led her back to the group.

The look on their faces told everyone that it was serious.

“How bad is it?” Anya asked. “If she’s dead I promised Xander I’m not going to say I told you so.”

“Anya!” Xander snapped. “She’s not dead! I mean she’s not dead, right?” Xander frowned and turned to Buffy and Tara.

Tara turned toward Xander and Anya, and Buffy reached out to Dawn. “It’s bad.”

A short time later, five teary-eyed Scoobies sat, trying to console themselves and one another. Tara had stopped crying. She felt like she was floating, and wished she could close her eyes and find it was only a dream. But it was not a dream. It was her life. And it was going to be Willow’s life. She closed her eyes and felt her heartbeat echo through her whole body. She was aware of nothing around her save the heat of her pulse throbbing in her head, hands, and heart.

A nurse quietly approached the group. “Two of you may come in and see Miss Rosenberg now,” he said. Tara and Buffy rose and followed him.

Willow was in a room that was all white. It seemed big to Tara. She lay in a hospital bed, surrounded by tubes and wires. Despite the bandages around her head, Tara could see that part of her scalp had been shaved. Her face was very swollen and she had large dark circles under her eyes. A respirator whirred as it breathed for her, and several IV bags hung above her. Their tubes ran into her neck. She wore a neck brace and seemed to be taped to a board. Drains ran from her abdominal surgery wound. The sight was too much for Buffy, who gasped as she covered her mouth with her hand and stopped in the entryway. Tara made her way to the bed.

At Willow’s side, Tara could see that the injuries she had received from her fall were severe. But Tara couldn’t help but notice that Willow had clearly been in a sorry state before she was hurt. She was dreadfully thin, and despite her facial swelling, Tara could see her cheeks were sunken in. Her skin was yellow and her ribs showed through the sheet that covered her. She had sores around her nose and mouth. Tara stood at her bedside, unable to move, unable to speak. Her knees felt wobbly. Seeing she was about to faint, the nurse walked up to her and motioned her into a chair by Willow’s head. “You can touch her,” she said, “…and you can talk to her. She may be able to hear you even though she can’t respond. Patients that have family support always do better.” Tara sat. Slowly, she reached out and gently ran her fingers down Willow’s arm, “Willow,” she whispered, “I’m here.”

TBC

[KloeFrost]

I'm really liking this. Can't wait to read the next part!

[Alcy]

Whew, you weren't kidding when you put an angst warning at the start of this fic. It began dark, and it's going to quite difficult places with first the magic addiction and now the very real possiblity that Willow may be paralyzed. I will enjoy reading how this is dealt with by Willow's friends and most importantly, Tara and Willow herself.

I think warnings are all very good and necessary, especially to avoid people reading who may be offended or unhappy with the subject matter dealt with. But I wouldn't apologise or feel uneasy about posting your work, this board is a great place to express yourself and I always think that provided a story is within the kitten rules, you can feel free to write anything you want. Much season 6 fanfic certainly runs high in terms of angst.

You write really well, in an easy to read style and I'll be pleased to see each new update. Well done!
Cheers
Alcy

[BlackIndiaInk]

Wow, so much bad news for the scoobies in one day. It must be Tuesday.

I like how far into the medical stuff you have gone. It isn't too far that we get lost in it but it gives us a good idea of what is going on.

“I have a p-power of attorney for her.” Tara stated as she sat.

Very glad that they thought of doing that. Oh, and Tara saying that she was Willow's partner. Yay.

Boy, Willow is going to have to go through quite a bit go get out of this one, eh!

We'll have to see about Rack. I will only say he had not made his only appearance

Again, I say hmm.... A thought just occured to me. What if he were to try to get at Willow through her mind while she was out cold. Tara wouldn't know what was going on. Once again, hmm

Now that I have taken that first (giant) step and posted the beginning, I am going to post through to the end, and complete it.

Well, that is wonderful to hear. That step is a bit big isn't it. I remember it myself.

Its been hanging over my head for 3 years! LOL.

That is quite a stretch of time. It can get quite uncomfortable when things are hanging over your head for that long. I am glad you are finally taking it down and giving it to us to enjoy.

[kittyhontas]

Thank you all for reading and taking the trouble to comment.

KloeFrost,
Thank you. Hope it meets your expectations.

Alcy,
Yes very angsty and it may get worse before it gets better. And I will stop apologizing. If you've read this far you know it won't be an easy ride.
Thank you for the compliment. I think my writing feels choppy to read. Dialogue really gets me and I'm never sure how to punctuate it. Much of what I write suffers from overediting if you KWIM.

BlackIndiaInk,
More medical stuff to come so I hope you won't retract that not getting lost in it part... Now that I'm re-reading what I wrote 3 yrs. ago, I can't believe I wrote it! What was going on in my sick sick little head? I was really into discovery health channel at the time... haha.
Tara did hesitate before calling herself Willow's partner. What did she mean by it? We shall see...
And the hanging over my head bit... I wanted to post this when I wrote it but for some reason wanted to finish it first... Then I never quite fleshed out the middle... two or three chapters are still only in outline form... So last week I was reading some of my fave old stories on the board and thought I wish everyone who had written something but was scared to post it would... there would be so much more to read, I just know it! Then, I took my own advice... Scary for sure, but glad I'm doing it!

I'll post the next bit now. Then I'll be out of town for a week but I will return and make good on my promise to finish this. Cross my heart. Now my brain is getting ahead of myself but last night I wrote the first chapter to a sequel... What's wrong with me? Dunno, but no promises on the sequel, though. hehe.

Thank you for reading. I hope you continue to enjoy...
KH

[kittyhontas]

“Bleeding Heart”

Over the next few days, the pressure around Willow’s brain gradually came down. After three days of sedation, the doctors were confident that she was well enough that her spine could be fixed. And so she had another surgery. The time she was in the operating room was really the only time during that first week that Tara wasn’t by her side.

The hospital managed to contact Ira and Sheila through the Israeli embassy. By the time that occurred, Willow was out of the woods, and since Ira’s work was of a sensitive nature they chose to receive updates by telephone rather than have him “abandon his post.” Willow had described her parents as detached, but Tara was surprised when she found out they were not coming. Especially since Willow was their only child. But, since they didn’t know about Tara anyway, she thought it was probably simpler to not have to explain things. And there would have been a lot of things that needed explaining. Compared to the magic use and fighting of demons, the nature of their relationship would have been easy to understand.

Buffy, Dawn, Anya and Xander visited frequently, bringing food to Tara and encouraging her to take breaks, but Tara did not waver. She would not leave Willow. Not again. All the scoobies were worried about her, but they couldn’t help but be impressed by her strength.

So the gang did what little they could for Tara, and they waited alongside her for any news about Willow. On day five, she came off the ventilator, and the drugs keeping her sedated were reduced. The doctors told Tara that she might start to wake up, but Willow remained unconscious. Tara intermittently held her hand, stroked her face gently, and talked to her. She told her she loved her, and that she was sorry she’d left her when she needed someone so much. She asked her to open her eyes. But still Willow did not wake up.

Tara helped the nurses care for Willow while she was so sick. It took her mind off of everything that was too painful to think about and made feel her less powerless. Part of helping with Willow felt a little intrusive—the close contact with Willow’s body was strangely intimate for her. She didn’t know if Willow would have let her help with such personal tasks. After all, Tara had left Willow. And they really weren’t together anymore. So when Tara helped to bathe the redhead, or move her, she averted her eyes a little. But she couldn’t help but look at her beautiful Willow.

And to Tara, Willow was beautiful. She was beautiful despite the healing surgical incision across her abdomen, despite her malnourished thin frame, despite the yellow and green bruises that seemed to cover her entire body. Tara saw her beauty through all these things, and though Tara ached for her, and wished she were healed, she inevitably found herself studying the redhead’s form, preoccupying herself with the curves of Willow’s lips and breasts, the dip that was her belly, the arch of her hips or the smooth tapered limbs that once had held her, and maybe someday, would hold her again.

While Tara rode out the days and nights of her bedside vigil, the scoobies came and went in shifts that she barely noticed. If Buffy was preoccupied ridding Sunnydale of demons and other baddies, she hid it well when she was visiting the hospital. So it was that Tara’s days ran together and she would not have been able to say for sure how many days had passed while she waited for Willow to wake.

In reality, it was ten days before Tara saw any sign of life.

On that tenth day, as she bent over Willow to wash her face with a warm cloth, Willow suddenly moaned and shifted a little. “Willow?” Tara asked, putting the cloth down on the table beside her bed. Willow’s eyes fluttered open, and through swollen eyelids she recognized a very blurry Tara standing above her. “Tara?” she asked, her voice raspy, as her eyes closed once more. Tara reached out and touched Willow’s pale face. “I’m here, Willow, I’m so glad you’re awake.” But Willow wasn’t awake anymore.

The next day, Willow opened her eyes again and slowly looked around the room. Buffy sat beside her. Tara rested in a recliner behind Buffy.

Buffy noticed Willow’s eyes open and leaned in to be closer to her. “Hey Will,” she said, smiling at her old friend. Willow blinked, wrinkled her forehead, and looked puzzled.

“What… where? Buffy?” Her voice was small and scratchy.

Instantly awakened by the sound of Willow’s voice, Tara rose and went to her. She moved to take Willow’s hand as Buffy slipped out of the bedside seat. She smiled down at Willow, thrilled that she was finally awake. “It’s good to see your eyes open. You’ve had us really w-worried.”

Willow tried to sit up only to find that she was apparently tied to the bed. Tara put her hand on Willow’s shoulder, “It’s okay, Will. Relax.”

“Why? Where am I?”

Tara turned to Buffy. “Can you leave us alone now?” she said. “I need to talk to Willow.” Buffy nodded and quietly left the room.

Willow looked at Tara, waiting for an answer. Tara could barely hold her gaze. The eyes looking up at her were watery, and a little bloodshot, but they were still the same beautiful green eyes that Tara had fallen in love with. She took Willow’s hand. “You were in an accident, Willow. You had to have surgery and you’re in the hospital. You’re lucky to be alive.”

And the reality came back to Willow in a flash. She remembered Rack and the emptiness, wanting to die, trying to die, letting herself slip off that edge and into the darkness. She could feel the cold air rushing against her skin as she fell. The memory was a painful one and she closed her eyes, turning her face away so that Tara couldn’t see her anymore.

“It wasn’t an accident.” Willow spoke slowly and quietly. “I wanted to die.”

Up until then, everyone had assumed that something or someone had hurt Willow. But now what Tara had already suspected was confirmed—Willow had tried to kill herself. She was shocked and saddened, but at the same time relieved that Willow had been unsuccessful. Although she had promised herself she would not cry when she told Willow about her injury, it was through tears that she continued.

“Willow, I have to tell you something.”

With a tissue, she dried her eyes. “Willow, when you fell…” Tara paused, her tears flowing again. “When you fell, you hurt your back. The doctors don’t think you’ll be able to walk again.”

Willow had no visible reaction to the news. She kept her face turned away from Tara as much as she could. Tara reached out and touched her hand, but Willow pulled it away. Without looking at Tara, Willow spoke slowly, sternly, “So I am broken, you feel guilty, and that’s why you’re here.”

Tara tried to interrupt, “No! Willow, I…”

Willow kept going. “Tara, you didn’t do this to me. I did. I don’t think you should… be here. I don’t want you to see me like this.”

Again, Tara interrupted, “Willow. Stop. I am not here because you are hurt. I mean, I am here, here because you are hurt… I came to t-talk but I was too late… If I hadn’t l-left… Oh Will, I’m s-so…”

“No, no… no…” Willow wrinkled her forehead. She turned her head so she could see Tara, whose tears were already sliding down her cheeks. For a full minute they just held each others gaze. The world stood still in this quiet as each woman studied the other.

It was Willow who broke the silence. “Am I really?” she whispered, “paralyzed?”

Tara could not answer her. Instead she took Willow’s hand and assured her, “You’re alive, Will. T-that’s all that m-matters. It’s all that matters to me.”

Willow looked up at Tara. It had been a long time since she had really looked at the blonde. She’d missed her so much but found that the sight made her heart instantly heavy with guilt and regret. “Tara, you didn’t leave me. I abandoned us... you… I don’t want you here because you feel guilty. You deserve more than this, more than me. I think… I think you know that.”

The blonde’s decision was already made. “I am n-not going anywhere, n-n-not this time,” Tara said, trying to sound stern. “You can’t m-make m-me leave, so don’t try.” Tara looked into Willow’s green eyes, and made the commitment without reservation.

And so Willow cried herself back to sleep as Tara sat by her side, holding her hand.

TBC.

[BlackIndiaInk]

That was intense. Thank you for the update. I am enjoying this more and more. You were perfect with the medical stuff. It just kind of sits outside the Willow/Tara relationship providing a nice framework for their reunion.

I am glad that Willow just came out and told Tara what she had done and what she was thinking.

Tara's responses were awesome. I can't wait for more but I guess I will have to.

It is probably a good thing that you waited to post so you could give the story the proper attention. I am very glad that you are posting it now. As for that sequel thing.... yay for the possibility.

[writerfreak]

Major with the angst factor. Its really good though, I need a bit of angst at the moment. I really like this fic. I'm looking forward to continuing it and seeing where you go with it. Good job!

writerfreak

[kittyhontas]

OK responses quick and then a quick post...

BlackIndiaInk,
Glad you're still on board. Keep me posted. More medical stuff to come... I am weirded out that i wrote this. Only it was really some former self who did As for proper attention, that is probably giving me too much credit. Really I am just overediting a previously overedited almost finished fanfic and posting it in an effort to get every kitten out there with unposted fanfics to post them! It is sort of like a challenge. If I can post this, you can post.... whatever you've been too embarrassed to post! HAHA

Writerfreak,
No shortness of angst to come then, so it should keep you happy if thats what you're looking for. I am not into angsty fanfics myself but I guess thats all I really write. I like the warm and fuzzy ones for reading. I really don't know where this came from...

Generally....
This next bit I am unhappy with. I'll just say that. I don't think it does a heck of a lot to further the story and I find it disturbing. I could almost delete it and it would not be missed. Thats my .02.

Oh yeah and I wanted to say I'm especially unhappy with the treatment of Willow's parents. I guess I had a choice. 1. ignore them, 2. write them out, or 3. write them in. I chose 2 with a hint of 1, but I think 3 would have been the best choice. I was LAZY! and still am too lazy to fix it now!

Thanks again for the comments and for reading!
Enjoy!
KH

[kittyhontas]

“Thick and Thin”

As the doctors had predicted, tests over next few days showed that Willow had no feeling in her legs. She was in a large back brace while her fracture healed, and it was hard to move her. Still, she needed to be moved to keep her muscles strong and to maintain the range of motion in her joints.

Willow would not let Tara stay in the room when the therapists visited her, or when the nurses helped her to bathe or to dress. Tara had respected Willow’s wishes that she not be present, even though she felt like Willow needed her there. But Willow didn’t have a lot of control over her life in its current state, so Tara couldn’t bear to push the issue.

In addition to the physical therapy that would become a big part of her ‘new’ life, Willow had started seeing a counselor. Tara told the doctors that Willow’s injury was self-inflicted, and the medical team quickly recommended counseling. Tara encouraged Willow to talk to her about her magic use and Willow confessed the little she remembered of her visits to Rack. But there were substantial gaps in her memory.

Tara and Buffy finally made that call to Giles, and explained all that had happened. Like the rest of the gang, he was devastated to hear the news. The council had him researching something he would only describe as “quite important, I’m afraid,” and he was unable to leave the project, but he promised to visit as soon as he was able to take some time off.

But before hanging up, he asked Tara about Rack.

“Rack? What about him? W-what he did to Willow… If I saw him, I don’t know if I could control myself.”

“Do you know where to find him?”

“No. And I don’t care to.”

Giles cleared his throat. “Hmm. Yes, I see. Does Willow?”

“I-I don’t know.”

Giles waited for Tara to say more. But with the line silent, he continued, “Well, If Rack has been charging himself with Willow’s energy, you will not have to look for him.”

“W-what do you mean?” Tara was instantly worried.

“He will be looking for Willow, and may go to great lengths to locate her.”

Giles went on to explain that as Willow had become addicted, Rack would have also developed a sort of dependency on Willow. “Willow has a lot of energy, more than most witches. Rack will want more of her power, although he’ll probably wait until she casts.”

“Y-you think she will r-r-relapse.”

“Tara, her attraction to these forces is not um… …not likely to just go away.”

Giles had confirmed Tara’s fears, and cautioned her to watch Willow closely. He gave her some signs to watch for and Tara was relieved that so far, she’d seen none of them. He directed her to some texts she might study, and she agreed to keep a close eye on things and contact him immediately if she suspected Willow started casting again.

* * *

Several days later, after only a few weeks in the hospital, the doctors started talking about sending Willow home, where they expected her to recuperate more quickly. She would continue therapy as an outpatient at rehabilitation center once her fracture was fully healed. But Willow was resistant to making the move home. She was scared that she needed too much care, and that she would be a burden. She didn’t want Tara to have to take care of her, and wasn’t even sure where ‘home’ was. But she couldn’t tell Tara any of this. So instead, she had her doctors make arrangements for her to be transferred to a rehabilitation facility where she could receive nursing care.

Tara was getting coffee in the cafeteria when Willow’s counselor approached her.

“Tara?” Mrs. Ellis started. “Could I talk to you about Willow?”

“Of course. S-sit, please.” Tara gestured to the empty chair across from her. “Is something w-wrong?”

“No, no, nothing wrong. I understand Willow’s doctor is pleased with the residential placement facility you’ve decided on. It sounds like you were careful when you considered the options for her short term care.”

Tara frowned, not understanding. “R-residential placement? When Willow is r-released, she’ll come home.”

“I don’t think that is what Willow expects.” The counselor continued. “Willow is going to need a lot of care for some time.”

“I know. B-but she n-needs to come home.” Tara was adamant.

“Yes, patients with Willow’s injury who get the right kind of care at home do quite well. Do you have family support?”

“Definitely, Y-yes.”

“Well, Willow’s doctors and I were operating under the understanding that her familial situation required a residential rehabilitation program. I understand she can be released as soon as a placement decision can be finalized.”

Nervously, Tara excused herself. As she walked away, Mrs. Ellis smiled. She knew that the best place for Willow to recover both physically and emotionally was at home, her home, and if Willow wasn’t going to ask for the help she needed, Tara would see to it that it was offered to her.

Tara returned to Willow’s room only to find that the physical therapist had started early. Pausing in the doorway, she could see Willow was trying to be tough despite the pain. The therapist turned Willow on her side, and Willow audibly gasped.

Tara approached Willow and knelt beside her bed, so her head was level with Willow’s.
Willow glared at her. “Tara, I need you not here right now,” Willow said.

Tara seemed to ignore her. “Willow, h-how bad is the pain? One to Ten?”

Willow closed her eyes. “Ten.”

Tara stood and addressed the therapist, who was ignoring Willow’s tears. “T-this is hurting her too m-much. She needs more pain medication first.” Tara put her foot down.

As the therapist rolled Willow back to a flat position, Willow exhaled. She looked up at Tara and mouthed “Thank You.”

Tara mouthed in response “I Love You.” She leaned down and tucked a damp clump of red hair that had fallen in Willow’s face behind her ear. Placing her other hand on Willow’s arm, she rubbed gently. Her face showed her concern. “Willow. You n-need to tell us w-when you are in so much pain.”

The doctors balked at Tara’s demands, at first. But ultimately Tara convinced them that Willow was very good at masking her pain, and the medication levels were increased.

This left Willow sleepier, but at least the therapy sessions were not as grueling for her, or, for Tara. Willow finally acquiesced to her presence during the sessions but Tara hung back so Willow wouldn’t be too overwhelmed.

The same afternoon Tara confronted the physical therapist, she confronted Willow. Willow was propped up against some pillows, during what Tara was starting to consider Willow’s afternoon-awake-time. This differed from the morning-awake-time, the evening-awake-time, and of course, her favorite, the middle-of-the-night-awake-time. Basically, the times marked the end of each pain medication dose.

“Will, w-when y-you’re released from here, I w-want you to come home.”

Willow’s eyes widened and she shook her head. “No, Tara, I can’t. I need too much help.” Then, lowering her gaze, “I don’t want you to take care of me.”

But Tara was firm, even in the face of rejection. She saw that Willow tensed whenever she tried to assist with her care, and she was prepared for Willow to outright refuse her help, so she stood her ground. “Willow, I w-want to take you home with me. Home to your home. Our home. And I will take care of you, because I love you and I w-want to. And you will let me, because you love me.”

“I do, Tara, I do love you, but I can’t let you do this. It hurts too much. Please…” Tara could see Willow was pushing her away, trying to isolate herself. And she recognized it as self-protection. Gently, she reached down and put her hand on Willow’s shoulder, forcing Willow to hold her gaze. “I know it w-will be hard for you, Willow. But I want… N-no, I need to do this. For us.”

“Us? There’s an ‘us’?” Willow tried not to sound too desperate.

“There will always be an us, Willow. I know I l-left, but I n-never stopped wanting to be with you.”

“I never stopped wanting you with me…” Willow’s voice was barely audible. “But I hurt you. I think… maybe that’s what I do. I hurt the people I love.”

Tara shook her head. “No, Willow, that isn’t you. T-that’s the magic, not you. You did hurt me, and there’s a lot to talk about, but no talking n-now, okay? Now, I just want to take you home and help you get better. Home now, and talk, later. Tara’s orders.”

Willow nodded and squeezed Tara’s hand. She closed her eyes, unable to maintain eye contact with the blonde witch. “I love you, Tara, so much.”

And Tara just smiled.

TBC

[writerfreak]

Still loving it. Especially the way Tara put her foot down.

writerfreak

[Pinocchio1940]

Enjoying this... Continue soon.

[kittyhontas]

writerfreak & pinocchio1940--thanks for the compliments and encouragement

sorry for the dry spell. summer snuck up on me.

now for some more...

[kittyhontas]

“Charity Begins”

Joyce’s Cherokee pulled up to the house on Revello Drive with Buffy, Tara, and Willow inside. Dawn peeked through the curtains and nearly screamed, “She’s home!” Anya and Xander managed to beat her to the front door and opened it, and the three of them rushed outside to greet Willow.

Buffy retrieved a wheelchair from the back of the SUV and unfolded it. Tara leaned into the Cherokee and carefully lifted Willow out of the front seat. “Your chariot awaits, m’lady.” She gently lowered Willow into the chair, kissing her forehead before she stood to take the handles. Willow blushed and a little smile crept across her face.

Tara pushed Willow up the new ramp Xander had installed, and into the foyer.

An impromptu surprise welcome home party had been set up in the living room. Snacks and drinks were arranged on the table and the room was decorated with balloons and a big “Welcome Home Willow” banner. Willow looked up at the eager eyes of her friends. “Thanks guys,” she said. “I’m glad to be home.”

Xander leaned down to hug her. “We’re glad to have ya home, Will.” She leaned forward into his embrace, wincing in pain.

Seeing this, Tara stepped in. “Okay, m-maybe a party was a little much. I think Willow n-needs to go lay down.” Willow looked up at Tara thankfully. Tara could see that Willow was exhausted from the short trip home, and she realized that it was about as long a period as Willow had been awake since being injured.

“Willow, we’ll have to figure out a better way for you to get to your room.” Tara said. “I’m sorry, but for now you’ll have to let someone carry you upstairs.” Willow nodded, and Xander knelt down and lifted Willow out of her chair, cradling her in his arms.

He carried Willow up the stairs and into the room Tara and Willow had once shared. Joyce’s old room. As Xander lowered Willow onto the bed, Tara arranged pillows behind her so that she was well supported.

“Is that okay?” she asked. Willow nodded, yawning.

“Before you fall asleep, l-let me get you your pain pill.” Tara said. She went for a glass of water but as she walked back into the bedroom she saw it was already too late. She knew Willow needed the medication. Sighing, she spoke softly to her girl. “Willow? Wake up, y-you need to take this pill, and then I’ll l-let you sleep.” Willow did not open her eyes, but opened her mouth and stuck out her tongue. Tara put the pill on it and lifted the glass to Willows lips. Willow swallowed, and sunk into sleep.

Willow awoke to find Tara holding her leg, lifting it above the bed and bending her knee. “I’m s-sorry, but I w-waited as long as I could. Oh God, am I h-hurting you?” Tara asked. “No,” Willow answered. “I can’t tell you’re doing anything.” Willow closed her eyes, fighting back the tears. “I know you c-can’t f-feel your legs, honey.” And with Tara’s confirmation, Willow let the tears flow.

For the first time since being hurt, Willow really grieved for her loss. She would never be the same, not really. This time she did not hold back. Sobs wracked her entire body. Tara stopped the stretching exercises and sat down on the bed beside her. She helped Willow sit up and held her, just held her.

When Willow finally stopped crying, Tara laid her gently back against the pillows. “Can I finish?” she asked. “Yeah,” Willow said. “I’ve been enough of a party pooper. I am so glad to be home.”

Tara finished the stretching exercises then moved up the side of the bed to roll Willow onto her side. “Now for the worst part,” She said, as she slowly rolled Willow over to one side. Willow grimaced. “How’d you know this is the worst? I never told you that.”

“Well, I have eyes, dummy.” Tara answered, and gently moved Willow onto her other side. She propped pillows behind her to keep her there for a few minutes. Seeing the strain on Willow’s face, she apologized. “I can’t give you more pain medication yet, Will, it’s t-too soon. Tomorrow I’ll do a b-better job of doing this right after you have your pain medicine.”

After a few minutes Tara moved the pillows and arranged Willow so she was flat in the bed. “Okay, Will, you can r-relax, we don’t have to do this again today.” Willow smiled, feigning happiness. “I’m going to get dinner while you rest.” Tara said. “Just close your eyes and I’ll be back in a few minutes.” Before Tara had even finished the sentence, Willow had departed for dreamland again. “We’ll m-make it through this,” Tara said, half to herself and half to the redhead, before she headed downstairs.

A short time later, Tara brought a tray of food in to Willow. At the hospital, she had barely eaten, and Tara was determined to put some weight back on her. When she opened the door, Willow woke up. “Mmm…” Willow licked her lips with her eyes closed. “That smells good.” Tara helped Willow sit up and then placed the tray before her. Willow took one look at the spread before her and smiled. “Tara? Is this supposed to be dinner for tonight or dinner for all week?”

Tara laughed and sighed “I g-guess, I guess it is a little… much?”

“Uh. Yeah. Much.” Willow said, smiling as she gestured toward the tray. There was grilled chicken, garlic bread, steamed carrots, fresh fruit, milk, and orange juice. It was enough food for several people. “Maybe we could… share?” Tara asked, sitting down in the chair she had placed by the bed. “Sure,” Willow whole-heartedly agreed. “It’ll be our first dinner together since…” she looked up at Tara sadly. “Don’t,” Tara said, “d-don’t do that. Enjoy this time with me.” She flashed a crooked smile at Willow. “And afterward, there’s dessert.”

“Dessert?” Willow asked, an impish grin spreading across her face. “What’s for dessert?”

“That’s a surprise.”

TBC

[kittyhontas]

“A Vulnerable Position”

Willow felt so small, so fragile. She needed help to sit, help to roll over, help to get dressed, help for just about everything. In anticipation of the move home, Tara had learned how to do the necessary regimen of physical therapy for Willow. Willow had not had an easy time letting Tara take over the therapy. But Tara had constantly reassured her that she wanted to do it. Tara knew that the only way Willow could come home was if she let Tara take care of her.

Willow was numb inside. Everything was gone. She’d given it all to Rack. The only time she felt anything was when Tara was with her, but she couldn’t let herself believe that Tara was actually going to stick around. She knew that once Tara realized how broken she really was, she would reconsider the romantic notion of caring for her, and would leave her again. But for the time being she relished the blonde’s constant attention.

In a while, once her back was healed and the back brace came off, she would begin therapy to help her become more independent. But for the time being, she would need to be in bed most of the time. Staying still would ensure that her back healed well.

Tara had a rollaway set up in Willow’s room so that she could be nearby in case she needed something. Willow really couldn’t be left alone safely. On her first night home, Tara laid in the small but comfy bed and listened to Willow’s slow, even breaths, wishing she could crawl in bed beside her. But it was too soon for Willow, who was still too sick to sleep beside someone, since any movement in the bed would be painful for her. And too soon for herself, because she still hadn’t thought about being with Willow without being able to be with Willow. And she didn’t dare wonder what the affect of Willow’s handicap would be on their love life. She sighed and closed her eyes, missing the feel of Willow, imagining herself secure in Willow’s arms, Willow’s warm breath tickling the back of her neck as she slept.

A small yelp instantly dissolved the fantasy. She startled to her feet. “Willow?” she asked, reaching for the light switch. She turned to see Willow lying in bed, her teeth clenched in pain, tears welling up in the corners of her nearly closed eyes.

“What’s wrong?” she rushed to Willow’s side.

“I had spasms in my back,” Willow said, “and I tried to move myself a little to stop them.”

“Here, let me help you,” Tara bent over Willow and slid her arms underneath her, lifting her up and adjusting some pillows so she was laying at a different angle. “Is that better?”

“Yeah. Thanks.” Willow blew her bangs out of her eyes. “Can I have another pain pill now?”

Tara looked at the clock. It was 5:30. She couldn’t believe it, but she had slept for over seven hours. She didn’t even realize she’d fallen asleep. “Oh, Willow,” she gasped, “I am so sorry, it is way past time. I’m not doing a very good job taking care of you, am I?”

“Yeah you are,” Willow replied, “you’re doing great.” Tara got Willow her the medication and some water to wash it down with.

Knowing that it would be a good time to move Willow, Tara saw an opportunity. “I know how we can make your back spasms stop,” she said.

Willow raised her eyebrows. “Lots and lots of pain pills?”

“No,” Tara replied, and then she went into the bathroom for a moment.

When she returned, she gently took Willow’s back brace and clothes off, and then she carefully carried her to the bathroom and put her flat on her back into the bathtub that she had filled with a couple of inches of warm water. It was Willow’s first ‘real’ bath since entering the hospital, and it felt good. She let the warm water relax her. Tara washed her carefully and then carried her back to the bed where she laid her on a towel. She gently dried the beautiful woman’s body and put the brace back on her, helping her into a T-shirt and pajama bottoms. Absorbed in the task of caring for Willow, she did not notice the way the redhead watched her, her eyes full of hurt and fear.

Willow fought back tears as Tara bathed her and dressed her. She knew she was lucky to have Tara there, but she found it a little embarrassing. It was hard letting her former girlfriend touch her and see her naked. Willow still wasn’t exactly sure what Tara’s intentions were. Tara’s touch was loving, but all business. For Willow it was more than awkward.

But Willow was somewhere deep at heart an optimist. She dreamed of a life with Tara. In the previous weeks, her yearning for physical closeness with the blonde had often preceded her visits to Racks, where she went seeking the blackest magics to quiet the pain of longing for Tara. Having Tara so close was a dream come true, and she couldn’t help but be aroused when Tara touched her.

As Tara settled Willow back in bed, Willow thought of the irony of the whole situation. She had gone to Rack trying to fill the void left when Tara left her. Now she was with Tara, but she still reeled from the aftereffects of the magical highs she’d experienced in the squalor of Rack’s lair.

She’d hoped that the temptation to use magic would subside. She had first felt the craving for the black magic in the hospital even before she opened her eyes. But she had not given in to temptation, and she had not even tried to cast any spells. Deep down, she thought she was too weak to cast anyway, but still, she hadn’t even tried.

As the days had gone by, the urge to cast had not subsided. If anything, it had grown more intense. When the craving came over her, Willow felt sick to her stomach and couldn’t eat. She had a lot of pain in her neck and back, and she knew that part of that was from her injury, but most of it was from withdrawal. Her body needed magic. It was demanding it. If she channeled some magic, her cravings would lessen. But when she was most tempted, there was Tara. She thought of Tara and made a better choice than the choices she’d made in the past. She made a choice to quit. And she’d had to keep making that choice a hundred times a day for the past two weeks. It was something she wanted to do. And she wanted to do it because of Tara, for Tara.

Willow wasn’t able to verbally express her gratitude to Tara for her helping her. And although she was reluctant to believe that Tara would be around next month, or next year, she was bolstered by the blonde’s presence. Her back didn’t hurt so much, when Tara touched her. The magic didn’t call so enticingly, when Tara was near her. She longed to take Tara in her arms and thank her. She wanted to hold her, to kiss her, to touch her, to love her. In her dreams she did all these things. In her dreams she did all these things and more.

Tara sat in a chair by the side of the bed, pretending to read, but really watching Willow. Quiet Willow. Sad Willow. She peered over the book and into Willow’s green eyes. The girl seemed detached, Tara thought, worrying a little.

“What’s wrong?” Tara lowered her book, trying to get Willow to make eye contact with her.

“Nothing new.” Willow responded without looking at Tara.

“It doesn’t have to be something new,” Tara said. “This is the room where you don’t have to be brave, remember? If something is worrying you, you can be worried.”

“Well…” Willow started. She wanted to tell Tara about her desire to cast. “…I can’t get out of bed, and there is this voluptuous blonde seductress who bathes me, dresses me, and feeds me, and it’s awful.” Willow managed a smile.

“It sounds awful. Why don’t you tell me all about it?” Tara grinned, happy that Willow was in a teasing mood. Leaning over the redhead she pressed her lips tenderly to Willow’s and kissed her slowly and passionately. Pulling away, she licked her lips seductively.

TBC

[Pinocchio1940]

Nice updates... Been awhile...

[KloeFrost]

i'm glad you updated. I really like this story.

[kittyhontas]

Replies and then another update. I need to get this thing off my desk!

Pinocchio1940, Thanks for waiting and complementing this disturbing blast from my past. And yes, a long break, but I remain committed to posting right up to the part where I get to write "THE END."

KloeFrost, Glad you're still along for the ride. Thanks for the comments, they're muchly appreshee-ated.

And to anyone and everyone following this,
Firstly, thanks for reading. Nextly, I have the next 6 parts written, I hope to reread one or two each evening when I get a moment to myself and give it a quick check-for-glaring-errors sort of edit before posting it. I anticipate another 3 or 4 after that. Those parts are currently in outline form. I'm writing them out now and only hope there isn't a noticeable break between this stuff that was written a few years back and the stuff I'm writing now. The last part (by far the most fun part to write, from now on I will only write final chapters) has been written for a long time and I am eager to get to post it. But to get there we have to go through this next stuff. So here you go. Thanks for coming along on this weird and long ride.

KH.

[kittyhontas]

“A Hard Pill”

It had been 24 days since Willow had jumped from the 4th Street Bridge. Tara shuddered at the thought of what Willow had done, and wondered if Willow would ever be able to forgive herself.

Willow dozed while Tara read; she still hoped to finish out the last month of the semester even though she had missed the past few weeks of lectures. Buffy had spoken with her professors on her behalf and all had been understanding and let her miss the classes. But Tara knew that if she missed much more, it would be hard to pass her final exams, so she needed to return to school, which would mean leaving Willow.

She’d been able to keep up on her reading pretty easily, since Willow slept so much. She was still on a lot of pain medication and was tired most of the time. She’d only been at home five days now, but the routine of caring for her was starting to feel pretty established. But more than establishing routine, Tara thought she was beginning to gain Willow’s trust that she’d be there for her. And now Tara was about to upset the balance by returning to her classes, and leaving Willow in the care of… oh God. The Scoobies.

The gang had eagerly reworked their schedules so Tara could finish the semester. Buffy would have Mondays and Tuesdays off. So on those days, Buffy would take care of Willow during Tara’s classes. On Wednesday, Anya would open the shop late since Tara only had one morning class. Tara understood what a sacrifice that would be for Anya, and half expected an invoice to arrive upon completion of the semester. And on Thursday, Tara’s classes were in the afternoons, and so Xander could stay with her as he had arranged to get off early, in time for Tara to make it to campus.

Tara was most worried about Xander, since she knew it would be hardest for Willow to let him help her with more private tasks. But Xander would only be alone with her from one o’clock until Dawn got home at three. So it might be hard for Willow, but it would not last long. A pang of guilt went through her as she thought of leaving Willow in an uncomfortable situation. It was her job to make Willow feel safe, not threatened. Still, it would only be for four weeks, and then she would have the summer off to be with Willow, to help her. Besides, it was Xander. Xander loved Willow and he would have his feelings hurt if Tara told him he couldn’t help too.

But before she was going to leave Willow in the care of others, Tara knew that there was still one subject they hadn’t broached, one that would be painful for Willow to talk about. She needed to know if Willow still felt the urge to cast.

The effects of Willow’s addiction lingered. Tara could see that she was still weak, still sick. Her bruises had healed but she had not managed to gain any weight. Giles’ warnings were still fresh in Tara’s mind. Tara had seen no sign of magic use or even that Willow had been tempted to cast. But Willow’s magic use was always in the back of Tara’s mind. It was the real reason Tara felt so protective of her girlfriend, why she hovered near her bed almost all the time. She was watching for any sign that Willow still felt the call of the dark arts.

Willow shifted in her bed a little, pushed at the pillow under her head and tilted her head to one side. Three weeks in bed had made her sore, tired, and cranky. On this day she was feeling particularly sad and helpless. The pain in her back was always there. The drugs worked to control it, but they also wiped her out. Still trying to resolve the crick in her neck without bothering Tara, she turned her head to the other side, to find Tara in what was becoming a predictable position—sitting by her side with her nose just about buried in a book.

Glancing over the text, Tara smiled at the redhead. “Awake? How are you feeling?” Tara asked as she leaned toward Willow’s bed. Before Willow could respond, she put the book down and asked, “do you want some lunch?”

Willow nodded. “Yeah, I could eat. And I could have a pill…” she gestured toward her side to indicate where she was having pain. “Well, they knock you out so fast, Will. Can you eat first and then take the medication?” Tara had an ulterior motive—she really wanted Willow to be awake so they could talk.

Willow nodded. “Yeah, I can. Can you help me sit me up?”

“Sure.” Tara leaned in and put her hands underneath Willow’s back. Willow put her arms around Tara’s neck, and Tara slowly pulled Willow into a sitting position. Tara then placed one arm behind Willow’s back and the other under her knees, and she moved her up the bed towards the headboard. Placing a pillow behind her, she leaned Willow against it.

“Is that too straight?” Tara asked.

“No, it feels good to sit after so much laying down.”

“Will you be okay while I get you a sandwich?”

“Sure.”

Tara went downstairs and returned several minutes later with lunch for two. She sat beside Willow’s bed and ate with the redhead.

When she finished, she looked at Willow. It was now or never.

“Willow?”

“Mmm?” Willow responded with a mouth full of sandwich and milk.

Tara tried not to think about Willow’s cuteness. “I have to ask you something.”

Willow swallowed. “I know. About magic.”

“Yeah.” Tara looked down. “I n-need to know if you still have, you know, u-urges.”

It was hard for Willow to look at Tara. She hated that her actions were still causing the blonde so much pain.

“Willow? I need an answer,” Tara pressed, “I’m sorry, but are you?”

“Yes.”

Tara’s heart sank. She knew that it was good that Willow was being honest with her, but it didn’t make it any easier to hear. Willow still wanted to use magic. She still craved it.

Tara gulped down the last of her milk. Her stomach turned but she took a deep breath and hoped it would settle. ‘Willow needs me to be strong,’ she told herself.

Willow had confessed to Tara that she still wanted to use, and she was glad to get the weight off her chest. But Tara just stood, looking worried, chewing on her lower lip. ‘She’s so cute when she’s worried,’ Willow thought, before reprimanding herself sternly. She did not want to add to Tara’s worries.

Tara realized that she had been silent for too long. Standing, she took the tray off of Willow’s lap. She gently sat down on the bed, and faced Willow. She found the redhead’s green eyes staring back at her. “You know how important it is n-not to cast, you know how important it is, don’t you?”

Willow held Tara’s gaze. “Yeah. I know.”

“Good, because your recovery, you’re still recovering, and you probably wouldn’t survive another foray into magic.” Tara grew stern, but then her face softened. “Oh no. Am I getting all parental lecturey? Because I don’t mean to be parental lecturey, just girlfriend l-lecturey.”

“I know.” Willow made eye contact with her for a fraction of a second before looking back down. “And I do know how important it is… Not to cast. But still sometimes… sometimes I feel like one little spell would, you know, take the edge off? But I am so not going to use magic anymore, Tara. Magic almost cost me everything. I get that.”

Tara felt slightly reassured, but the conversation had confirmed her fears. She would definitely be watching Willow as carefully as she could. So she could be aware, immediately, of any relapse. Because if Willow relapsed now, Willow would probably die.

Tara leaned in and kissed Willow. She stayed there as long as she could, breathing in Willow’s wonderful scent, the taste sweet on her lips. It felt so good to be close to Willow. She could stay lost in the kiss forever, but Tara could see Willow was not long for the awakey world, and so she got up and handed Willow the pill that she had brought up with lunch along with a glass of water off of the bedside table. The redhead took the medicine gladly.

Tara pulled Willow down on the bed and moved all the pillows out from around her so that she could lay perfectly flat. As Willow fell asleep, she did the physical therapy for the morning. She saved the side-to-side rolling for last so that Willow would not really be conscious for it. She hated hurting Willow, but she wanted what was best for her.

Tara’s main goal was to maintain flexibility in all of Willow’s joints. The doctors had explained that Willow would need this to sit in a wheelchair and to be as independent as possible. She wanted Willow to be able to do as much for herself as she could, so Tara had been religious about following the prescribed routine.

Willow’s body was still beautiful, Tara thought, as she tucked Willow under the covers. It was hard for Tara to believe that Willow’s injury was really permanent. She kept thinking that Willow would be better… after she put some distance between herself and the magic addiction. But then she would remember. Willow would never be better. Goddess willing, she would be better than she is now, but she would never be… well, normal. As soon as she thought this, she scolded herself. It didn’t matter, Tara thought. She loved Willow. And she would love her whether she could walk or whether she could not.

Tara finished her homework as Willow dozed. Their conversation had done nothing to allay her fears of leaving Willow during classes over the upcoming week. She had not talked to Willow about returning to school, had not told Willow about the ‘Willow-sitting’ arrangements she had made on her behalf, and she was not sure how Willow would take the news. Now that Willow had confirmed her fears about wanting to use magic, she was tempted not to finish the semester, to call it off for now. The credit would be nice but she could take the classes again. But she stopped herself short of canceling the plans. Even though it might be hard for her, she needed to let her friends help her out just like Willow needed to learn to accept help from others for a while.

Tara woke Willow up with dinner that night, but Willow only picked at the food. Tara urged her to eat, but couldn’t get Willow to take more than a few bites of soup. Willow was looking very pale, and Tara hoped it would pass.

After dinner, Willow wanted to sleep. But Tara needed to talk to her about returning to school, since she was planning to leave Willow with Buffy all day Monday and Tuesday. It was Saturday evening, and Tara wanted to give Willow at least one day to sit with the news. She didn’t expect Willow to have the reaction that she did.

“What?” Willow demanded. “I don’t want you to have to… make child-care arrangements for me, Tara.” Willow’s eyes widened in anger. “I won’t be the invalid inconveniencing everyone one day a week. I would be better off in a rehab facility.” Willow grabbed her stomach. “Oh no. I think I am going to be sick.”

Tara handed Willow the garbage pail, and Willow threw up the little she’d eaten.

Tara held her hair back, and when she was through, she washed her face and helped her brush her teeth and change into clean pajamas. After she got Willow settled back into bed, she noticed that Willow was shaking.

“Willow, I think your withdrawal is getting more severe,” Tara said, alarmed.

“I don’t know,” said Willow, “but I am tired.”

Tara gave Willow her pain medicine but also gave her an anti-nausea medication that had been prescribed for the common side effect of the pain pills. Willow managed to swallow both pills, and then she closed her eyes.

“I didn’t mean to get so mad…” Willow started to apologize. “I feel really frustrated today, and I don’t know…”

Tara nodded, and smiled a little. “I know sweetie. And I won’t l-leave you if you d-don’t want me to.”

“No, no, it’s only for a few weeks, right? I mean, they’re my friends… so it will be okay for a few weeks, right? I mean, everything will be fine. I’ll be fine.” Willow entered babble mode as her strength faded.

“Of course it will be fine. I would n-never leave if I didn’t know you’d be safe.” Tara kissed Willow’s brow and swept some loose hairs away from her face. “I love you, Willow.”

Through closed eyes Willow fought sleep to respond. “I love Tara.”

Tara smiled and leaned back in the bedside chair. She was particularly worried about Willow. She sat up later than usual watching her girlfriend. Unable to resist, she traced the outline of Willow’s face with her fingertip. Willow squished up her nose and mumbled in her sleep. After nodding off and then waking up about to drool all over herself, Tara moved to her bed to catch a little rest herself.

As Tara drifted into much needed sleep, Willow’s eyes opened. She could just make out Tara’s features in the dark, but she could hear her slow and regular breaths, and she knew Tara was out. Willow was having stomach cramps and her head ached. She did not want to wake Tara. Willow knew Tara had not been sleeping very much, and must be so tired. Laying with her arms at her sides, she realized she was trembling and could not stop. Slowly she turned her palms up, closed her eyes and retreated deep inside herself. For just a moment, she let it happen, and a warm, electric feeling spread throughout her body. Her jaw tensed, and her eyes opened. Sweat beads formed on her forehead. For a second, her eyes turned black. But then the darkness faded, as if washed away, and her eyelids fluttered closed over eyes that once again were teary and green.

TBC

[KloeFrost]

oh boy. another update? two nights in a row? YAY

[kittyhontas]

KloeFrost,
Yes, and should we go for three?

[kittyhontas]

“Burning at Both Ends”

Sunday morning started off well. Willow seemed to be feeling better and she ate some breakfast. She had a bath and her back wasn’t giving her too much pain. Tara was trying to make Willow ask for the pain pills. She didn’t want to medicate her if she didn’t need it, and that morning Willow seemed fine. Tara sighed, and let herself think that maybe they were turning a corner.

“Do you think I could sit downstairs today?” Willow asked.

Tara thought about the question for less than a second before responding. “Of course. If you are feeling up to it, we could even go outside for a while.”

“That sounds nice.” Willow said.

Tara carried Willow downstairs to her wheelchair in the foyer. She got Willow settled and then pushed her out to the back porch so that she was overlooking the garden. Sitting down on the stairs next to Willow’s chair, she leaned her head against Willow’s leg. It was spring but a chill still hung in the air. Still the sun felt warm on Tara’s face. Willow rested her hand on Tara’s head and ran her fingers through the fine blonde hair.

Tara closed her eyes and tried to enjoy the time with Willow. But in the Summers house quiet moments never lasted long.

Dawn bounded onto the deck with a grin. “Willow, you’re up!” she exclaimed. Then she went to the women and demanded hugs from each.

She was careful not to hug Willow too tightly. She didn’t want to hurt her. But when she grabbed Tara, she squeezed as hard as she could.

“Okay, Dawnie, easy,” Tara smiled as she hugged Dawn back.

“Willow, I’m glad you’re feeling better,” Dawn said, as she released Tara from her death grip.

Willow looked up at Dawn and Tara and forced a little smile. “Yeah, me too…” She turned her head and her eyes wandered over the backyard. Her detachment wasn’t lost on Tara, who wrinkled her forehead.

“You are feeling better, aren’t you, Will?” Tara asked.

“I am.” Willow said.

Just then Xander came out the back door. His face brightened when he saw Willow. “Good to see you up,” he said, squeezing her shoulder a little.

He turned to Dawn, trying to hide a tear in the corner of his eye. “Well, Dawnster, are ya’ ready? We gotta get goin’ or we’re gonna be late.”

Dawn turned to Tara and Willow and explained. “I agreed to help Anya and Xander clean out the back room at the magic shop. I thought you guys might like to be alone today.” She ran inside and returned with her backpack. “I’ll see you later,” she said as she and Xander walked around to the front of the house. Turning to look back, she waved goodbye. Tara was standing beside Willow, who leaned her head against Tara’s hip. Tara laid one hand on Willow’s back, daring to hug her a little tighter than usual.

The women sat in the sun for the morning, and then Tara made them lunch. Willow didn’t eat as well as she had earlier, but Tara figured it was because she had not had any pain medication yet that day. Willow took a pill with lunch and slept all afternoon on the couch downstairs. She awoke to Buffy, wearing her Doublemeat uniform, clicking on the foyer light as she came in the front door.

Buffy smiled when she saw Willow on the couch. “Sorry to wake you up, Will. I didn’t know you were there.”

Willow blinked in the light. “It’s okay. I’ve been asleep all afternoon.”

At the same time, Buffy and Willow noticed Tara curled up with a blanket, asleep in a chair across the room.

“We shouldn’t wake her,” Willow whispered, looking up at Buffy.

“You’re right,” Buffy replied, lowering her voice to a whisper.

“I brought dinner home.” Buffy lifted up a paper D.M.P. bag.

Buffy carried Willow upstairs so that they wouldn’t wake Tara. Both girls knew that if Tara were moved then she would wake up and insist on taking care of Willow. But Tara needed a break, so they left her sleeping in the downstairs chair.

Willow did not want any dinner, and Buffy did not force her to eat the fast food. But she did insist that Willow have some leftover soup she reheated. Willow ate a few bites just to placate Buffy. Afterward, she had her pain pill and Buffy settled her in to bed. Even though she’d slept all afternoon, she quickly succumbed to sleep while Buffy sat next to her.

When Buffy was sure that Willow was out, she left her and went in to take a shower. She had put in a few extra hours because one of the new cashiers had not come in. The long shift had exhausted her and she let the hot water rinse away the grease, the palace smell, and the tension with it.

Tara awoke later that night to find the couch empty. For a minute, her heart raced when she didn’t see Willow sleeping there. But then she noticed the hat with the stuffed animal attached to it sitting on the coffee table, and knew that Buffy had come home and taken Willow upstairs.

She put together a quick sandwich and ate it with a glass of milk. School tomorrow, she thought, wondering how she would pay attention in class when she would be thinking about Willow, and she went upstairs to go back to sleep.

As she reached for the doorknob, she sensed that something was wrong. Cracking the door, she peered inside. She was relieved to find Willow sleeping, and she turned on the little night-light on the dresser and started changing into her pajamas. As she pulled the nightshirt over her head, she glanced toward the bed. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Willow’s eyes open, her irises solid black.

TBC

[kittyhontas]

“Into the Fire”

Tara knew instantly that Willow was channeling dark magic. Tara quickly made her way to the bed and laid her hands on Willow’s chest. “Potentia absorbeo!” Tara chanted, and a surge of power ran from Willow up Tara’s arms and entered her chest with such a force that it threw her backwards several feet. Momentarily stunned, she shook out her arms and closed her eyes. She rubbed her temples with her fingertips as her body hummed with the magic coursing through her veins, infusing her with confidence and power. When she collected herself enough to look up, she saw that Willow was unconscious from the power-draining spell. She quickly went to her side and checked to see that she was still breathing.

“Willow?” she asked, “can you hear me?”

Willow moaned a little but did not open her eyes. Tara did not give up. “Willow, open your eyes!” she demanded. “Open up!”

Willow opened her eyes slowly. “What…” she started to ask, but then she remembered what she had done. “Oh god. Tara…” Willow covered her face with her hands.

Tara just stood in silence looking at Willow and considering what she should do. She wanted to leave the room but instead she crossed her arms over her chest and slowly sat down in the chair next to Willow.

After close to an hour of silence punctuated only with the sound of Willow’s sobs, Tara stood up. She went into the bathroom and got a glass of water and Willow’s pain pill. Back in the bedroom, she held the pill out to Willow, and without a word, Willow reached out and took it. She held the glass so Willow could swallow the pill, and then she spoke.

“Are you comfortable or do you need to be moved before bed?” she asked.

“My neck hurts.” Willow answered.

Tara adjusted the pillow under Willow’s head. “Better?”

“Better.”

Tara watched as the medication worked its magic, carrying Willow off to sleep.

Tara did not get any sleep that night. She was angry at Willow for lying to her. Willow was not strong enough to resist the temptation to cast. But to continue to use dark magic now would weaken her system, slow her physical recovery, and increase the severity of her withdrawals. She knew from Giles’ warnings and from her own research that Willow could easily die. Tara wanted to protect her, but she could not sit awake by Willow’s side 24 hours a day. She had to find a way to stop Willow from casting. And she had to find it fast.

Willow slept until early the next morning, Tara still by her side. She was pale and shaky. It was hard for Tara to look at her. She did not want to let sympathy override her anger. She wanted to be mad at Willow.

But she could not be.

Willow was feverish when she woke with stomach cramps. Tara dipped a washcloth in cool water and wiped the sweat from her face. “Think you can eat?” she asked.

Willow shook her head.

“Drink?” Tara offered Willow a glass of cold water. The hacker managed to take some.

Willow had barely said two words since Tara had discovered her channeling and drained the magics from her. The spell Tara cast had left Willow’s magic meter on empty, and Tara knew that her withdrawal symptoms would soon be returning. Tara was afraid to show her anger because she knew that Willow was really sick. Too sick to quarrel with. Willow couldn’t afford to waste energy fighting with her girlfriend. She was going to get worse before she got any better.

Willow was surprised when Tara did not immediately confront her about the magic. She expected a lecture and she expected Tara to leave. Leave and not come back. But Tara didn’t give her a lecture, and Tara hadn’t left. Instead Tara had stayed up watching over her all night. And now Willow watched her, waiting in fear, not knowing what to expect next.

Tara had resumed her post sitting by Willow’s bed. Willow looked up at Tara looking down at her. Neither spoke.

About eight o’clock, a small rap came at the door. Buffy entered, and seeing both women were awake, offered good mornings.

“Do you need to get ready for school, Tara?” Buffy asked. “ ‘Cause I can get Will some breakfast so that you can get going. I know how you hate to be late for class.”

Tara sighed and looked at Buffy. Willow raised her eyebrows.

“Can I talk to you in the hall for a minute?” Tara and Buffy left the room together.

Willow’s heart fell. This was it. Tara was leaving her.

Less than a minute later, Tara reentered the room and sat back down by Willow’s bed.

Willow, fighting sleep, reached a shaky hand up toward Tara and held it out in the air. Tara reached out and took the extended hand between her own. Lowering Willow’s arm back down to the bed, she leaned in to be closer to her girl, resting her warm cheek against the back of Willow’s hand.

Tara did not make it to school that day as she had planned. In the hall, Buffy noticed the circles under her eyes. Her tone had scared Buffy when they’d talked, although Tara had not said much. Just that she couldn’t leave Willow yet. She’d handed Buffy a small, folded piece of paper. It was a list of items Tara wanted Buffy to get from the Magic Box. “It’s for Will,” Tara said. “When you get back, I’ll explain.”

“Whatever you need, Tara.” Buffy promised, wondering how she could get the blonde to take better care of herself as she headed downstairs.

* * *

Buffy found Anya behind the counter of the Magic Box, cleaning the cash register with a bottle of rubbing alcohol and a Q-tip. She didn’t tell Anya that she was collecting ingredients for Tara, but enlisted Anya’s help finding the items on the list, as she hadn’t heard of most of the things Tara had written down. As they’d assembled the items, the ex-demon kept up running commentary, trying to decipher what Buffy was up to.

“Chervil? You know this is poisonous, right?” Anya pulled some of the dried herb out of a jar and put it in a paper bag. “And expensive.” Anya smiled, “Oh! You’re trying to make someone impotent?”

“I’m not talking about what I’m doing,” Buffy reminded Anya. I don’t know what I’m doing, Buffy thought.

“Yeah, well what’s next?” Anya sighed.

“Sorrel.” Buffy answered.

“You got an upset stomach, right,” Anya thought a moment as she reached for another jar, “…or a fear of scorpions… No, wait… you’re pregnant? I thought you’d wait until you were, well… dating someone…”

Buffy ignored that last comment. “Next is goat’s milk.” Buffy scrunched up her nose. “Ewww.”

“What’s the big deal? Anya asked, producing a little tin labeled “Horace Magical Grade Preserved Goat Milk.”

“Hmm…” Buffy eyed the can suspiciously. “Not for human consumption,” I assume.

“Oh no,” assured Anya, “it’s perfectly fine to eat.”

“Like I said, ewww…” Buffy repeated.

With Anya’s help, Buffy assembled everything Tara had asked for. She thanked Anya and headed back home, leaving the ex-demon to puzzle out her intentions.

* * *

Buffy went straight to Tara with the things she’d been sent for. She found Tara in the same place she’d been earlier that morning.

Willow was awake. Buffy noticed immediately that she had no color in her face at all, save the dark sunken areas under both of her eyes. And she was shaking.

Tara saw the look of alarm on Buffy’s face. “It’s why I c-couldn’t leave her,” she explained, as she held a cool wet cloth to Willow’s forehead. “She’s h-having withdrawals… from the magic.”

“But why now?” Buffy was confused by the sudden change in Willow.

Before Tara could answer her, Willow spoke. “I relapsed.”

Tara left Willow with Buffy watching her while she went downstairs to do the spell, not wanting to cast near Willow. Tara removed the doll’s eye crystal from a little velvet bag. She put the rest of the ingredients in a metal bowl and mixed them together. Passing the crystal over the bowl, she chanted, “Nexi nexum, vincio vinctum, abdare expare!” A little cloud of dust seemed to seep from the crystal. Tara shook the stone so that the magical dust scattered over the contents of the bowl.

Tara made a tea with some of the mixture and took a glass of it up to Willow.

Buffy was still sitting by Willow’s side. Willow was sitting up, leaning against the headboard. She looked like she was going to vomit. Before giving the mug to Willow, Tara stopped to explain.

“Okay, Will, here’s the deal. This will help alleviate your withdrawal symptoms a little, but mostly it will work like… like a magical anabuse. If you cast, it will… make you sick, maybe cause like… a kind of painful feedback. It won’t take the choice away from you, but it w-will make it easier for you to choose to weather the withdrawal. If you cast after you take this, you’ll feel w-worse than you do with the withdrawal.”

Willow looked worried.

Tara held the glass out to her. “I don’t want to m-make you drink this,” she said. “You know what it will do, and you know that you need h-help. I can’t stop you from using magic, Willow, only y-you can do that.”

Willow slowly reached out and took the glass from Tara. She sipped it, cringing at the bitter aftertaste. It was only lukewarm but burned as she swallowed it.

Buffy smiled and rubbed Willow’s arm. “I’ll sit with her while you get yourself a shower and a break,” Buffy looked at Tara, who was still in her pajamas.

Tara gratefully accepted the offer. She left Buffy with Willow, and went straight to the telephone. She called Giles, waking him. She told him that Willow had cast. He had researched the topic of magic addiction and come up with a magic cleansing ritual that Tara could perform on Willow. It was intended to keep Rack away by keeping her energy levels very low. So if she did cast, Rack wouldn’t sense it. It also meant she would have very little magical power, so any spells she did cast wouldn’t have much effect. On the positive side, it would help to reduce her cravings. Tara was to do the ritual each time the withdrawal symptoms became intolerable. Over time the symptoms would lessen and become less frequent. With the ritual combined with the infusion that Tara had come up with, Giles was confident Willow could overcome her addiction.

Tara took a long shower under the hottest water she could tolerate. She sighed in the steam as she leaned against the shower wall. Exhausted, she started to cry. The tears came slowly, at first. But Tara did not let herself stay absorbed in self-pity for long. Turning off the water, she rubbed her eyes dry with a white towel. Slipping into some sweats, she returned to find Buffy reading Seventeen while Willow slept.

“Aren’t you a little old for that?” Tara whispered, managing a little crooked smile.

Buffy blushed. “Hey, I just found it in here. But I am enjoying it… well, this.” Buffy said, gesturing toward Willow. “I mean, I’d like to sit here a while, with her.”

“Of course,” Tara replied. “Do you want me to leave?”

“No,” Buffy responded, “I’m not trying to push you out. But couldn’t you use a nap? Did you sleep at all last night?”

“I’m tired.”

“Well, I can take care of Willow while you get a little rest. You can lay down in my room if you want.”

“Thanks.” Tara headed toward Buffy’s bedroom. It was getting late in the day and the afternoon sun cast long shadows over the bed. Before she drifted off to sleep, she whispered the end of a poem that she’d read when she and Willow were apart. Her voice was soft in the quiet room.

“…Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”

TBC