Halloween fun

[jade]

Title: Halloween Fun
Author: Jade
E-mail: Amb_sweetpea@yahoo.com
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: season five
Feedback: Sure but this is my first fic so please construct your criticism
Summary: Just some Halloween fun with your favorite couple


'What was I thinking?! I look like something that fell out of bozo land! I can't believe I let her talk me into this!’ That is what Willow was thinking as she stood outside of the Magic Shop handing out fliers dressed in the full stereotypical witch getup. It was a funny looking dress and cape. Anya was also very adamant about her putting on green makeup and a fake wart on her nose. To top it off she got to wear the nice witch’s hat and have a broom.

Anya had approached her earlier in the day with a scheming look on her face. Willow asked her what’s up and she explained that she needed somebody to put on this witches costume and hand out fliers. Willow took one look at the costume and denied. Anya was persistent and when Willow didn’t cave she brought out the big guns. Anya told her that if she didn’t do it she would tell the scoobies what her and Tara were REALLY doing at the last scoobie meeting when they went to the back room to find a spell ingredient. Of course Will wanted to save her girlfriend from embarrassment, so she agreed to do it for a couple of hours.

So here Willow is handing out fliers to the nice people of Sunnydale. Today was a typical California day, hot as hell. Willow was already sweating and miserable. Her makeup was itching and she was already fuming at Anya. A car speeded by and dust flew all around. The dust stuck to her hot and sweaty face. While she was sputtering about trying to get the dust off her face a group of teenagers walked by and started to laugh at her. She looked up at them, shot them a dirty look and stormed off into the Magic Box.

Anya jumped up at the sound of the bell ringing to greet a potential customer and she was greeted with the sight of hot and sweaty Willow storming up to her with her makeup all runny and face dusty. “You look horrible,” she teased. Willow eyed her dangerously, "I just spent the last hour in the hot California sun publicly embarrassing myself for you so you wouldn’t blackmail me and you could have a smash up party so don't you stand there and snap at me missy!", This prompted a staring match between the two.

Anya was about to answer Willow when the doorbell rang signaling a newcomer. "Welcome to the Magic Box how may I help you spend your- never mind it's just you," Anya tone started off cheery but died down as she realized the newcomers weren't potential customers but instead Tara.

Tara could feel the tension in the air as soon as she walked in. As soon as she looked at her girlfriend she smirked, “Will, you okay?”

“Don’t laugh”, Willow pouted, “she made me wear it.”

“I did not!” Anya snapped

“You did to! If I didn’t do it you would have blackmailed me!”

“Okay guys enough” Tara gently interjected, “Will sweetie you look awful so why don’t I take you back to the dorms so you can take a shower and get changed?”

Willow nodded her consent and after shooting Anya a dirty look she quickly caught up to her girlfriend, grabbed her hand, and they left.

[jade]

This is my first attempt at fanfiction so construct your critisism guys!! I hope you all like the begining.

[Thianne]

just a little suggestion: Title, Disclaimer, little summary if you wish.

the disclaimer is important, please remember to insert it.

Maybe it would be good also to look at the Pens FAQ, to have an idea of how it works here.

about your fic, the beginning is not bad. do you have a beta reader? if not, you could find one, to make your writing more smooth. if you want one, you can look at the Beta Pens section.

i hope this will help you

[jade]

Thank you!! I totally forgot about the disclaimer. sorry. I'm gonna get a beta.

[Uzu]

Well, there's really not much I can crit on concerning the story since it's early days yet. However, I do have some thoughts and such on the chapter, basically just things that popped in my head as I read it. So here's some stuff to consider and explore more if you want to...

Things like- I wonder why Willow's in such a bad mood...I mean, whoa, Will better calm down before she bursts a blood vessel! I like the idea of a harassed Willow storming around in a stupid witch costume, but why is Willow helping Anya in the first place? She really kinda dislikes Anya and goes all passive aggressive when dealing with her, so why did she cave to do her a favour? And Anya ass kissing sounds pretty unlikely too. She's very proud and much prefers coercion and emotional blackmail. Definately less kissy and more erm...pissy? Did Will have any debts to be paid? Maybe that might explain the bad mood...

Onto the costume- I really would have liked to have learned a bit more about this costume. Such as Willow's thoughts and how it feels. Does she suspect Anya dressed her as a witch as a veiled insult? Or is it just very uncomfortable? Y'know, stuff like the wig's itchy and the inside of the hooked nose stinks suspiciously of Xander's feet? Maybe it's a really nice day and she's melting in the heat? All these things could certainly add to that growing cranky factor she seems to be displaying in the fic.

And why is everyone laughing at her? A person in a promo costume isn't that unusual even when it's that close to Halloween. Is the costume really funny looking or something? It must be a slow day in Sunnydale.

Tara just smirked at her girlfriend.

*gasp!* et tu Tara?:laugh So much for supporto gal. Bad Tara! Bad!:punish

Well, that's my two cents worth of babble done. Sorry if I rambled a bit, it's just the way my mind works.

Writing wise, your grammar and punctuation needs some more work which I'm sure a beta will help you with. All the best with that, and I hope you continue with your story. It's got an interesting beginning and I'm curious to see what develops from it all...

[jade]

Thanks for the comments!! I have to admit my character profiles are a bit off. I'll revise the chapter because to be honest I was bored and just wrote down my thoughts and this is what came out.

Okay, I revised it! I hope this is better but if it sucks worse just tell me.

[Thianne]

i think it's much better now. not much i can say at this point, but i'd be interested in reading more

[Uzu]

Wow! You revised that quick! I'm impressed! Takes me a donkey's age to do anything like that. I'm veeeeeery slow. Seriously. Brain-dead sloths write quicker than me.^^;

Anyway, I like the tweaking you've done. It's added a different tone the fic. Gave it a little more direction. Especially concerning the ending where Tara takes Will under her wing. Off to the showers, eh? Heh. I think Will will see the silver lining to having gunk on her face now.

Watch out for wonky tense changes. I've spotted one that stands out-

So here Willow is handing out fliers to the nice people of Sunnydale. Today was a typical California day, hot as hell.

You went from present tense to past tense in two sentences. Since your story is mainly written in the past tense here's a tentative correction-

So that was how Willow ended up handing out fliers to the nice people of Sunnydale. Today was a typical California day, hot as hell.

And here's a correction for a wonky sentence I also spotted.

“You did to! If I didn’t so it you would have blackmailed me!”

“You did to! If I didn’t you would have blackmailed me!”

I normally wouldn't be wearing my grammar cap like this, but those guys just bugged me!

Hope this helped a bit.^^

[jade]

Hey I've decided to not finish this story. I'm gonna take some time to come up with a story actually worth reading.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

this story looks cute, can't wait to read more!