out of me..

[lostguardian]

Title ut of me...

Disclaimer : Well I don't own anything really so, unless you want my soul your out of luck rich corporations.

Pairing : Everyone goes to their more then belonging place in due time

Rating : pg-13ish to start.. Where we end depends on my mood and if you even want to read this.

Spoilers : None, this is pretty straight (god I said straight) forward until New Moon rising. Where I stop the flow and create my own. Xander dies saving Tara from Oz and now is a spirit only Willow can see. Willow instantly blames herself for everything and well goes off the deep end. Pushing everyone away and leaving Sunnydale for a time until she is forced to come back. But she isn't the same happy lovable Willow they remember. Their will be tons of angst but I will make up for it if you bare with me.

Dedication : Umm I need a muse? However until then I must dedicate this to the influences and loves of my past. My teacher and mentor Chantry, A dark haired Goddess named K who I miss with everything I am and lastly to all my friends who I have shared some of these late night experiences with.

Still here????


Then read on....
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Chapter One: Torment by candle light

She felt the warm liquid flow across her pale skin. Her shallow breathing, the only sound in the dimly lit room besides some late night radio station playing the top something or another in the background. It was just noise to her though with none of it reaching her brain in an intelligible form. She felt the warmth trickle into the palm of her hand she started to move her other to wipe it away but stopped. Her eyes quickly focusing on the flickering candle flame.

Was she imaging this? The beautiful blonde hair flowing freely in the dark night. Pale perfect skin...

She breathed in sharply shifting her weight. The stickiness on her skin becoming uncomfortable, yet at the same time finding the warmth a comfort.

Focusing more she saw the blue eyes. Eyes that still made her catch her breath, eyes that still haunted not only her in her dreams but her every waking moment as well. Then behind this goddess she saw the eyes snapping her out of that once dream world and into the world she now lived in.

"I hate when you do that" Xander slowly said to her looking down at her arm.

"Not your concern... It makes me remember that I can still feel... Where is Chantry? There's trouble, I have to go back."

"In the front room, he is restless tonight"

"He's restless every night that we are not out. His injury's are still to fresh for us to go hunting, and he still doesn't think I am ready to go on my own" Willow replied in a disagreeing tone.

"Well one thing we finally agree on, the man may have a brain after all"

"Shut up Xander, he saved me."

More helped you finish condemning yourself to this hell Xander thought to himself. "If you say so."


Hundreds of miles away a voice barley made a sound. Tara had stopped walking abruptly causing the slayer to stop in alarm for she hadn't felt a presence.

"S-S-SHE's coming home"

"What Tara?" The slayer and dark haired girl asked in unison.

"S-she, Willow, she's c-coming home"

Seeing her friend stutter for the first time in months Buffy dropped her head. She had known that this time would eventually come. For the first time since becoming a slayer, she felt nothing she could do could help. All she could do was reach for the blonde and engulfed her in a hug.

Willow stood in the middle of the room. She knew there was no turning back now. That this was what she had been working and training so hard for. That this, was her new destiny.

"So finally going back?" Xander asked.

"Yes, now will you finally shut up about it" Willow replied.

"You know I think this is where I state again that it wasn't your fault what Oz did to me. You had no control, none of us did. You shouldn't have left her. She NEEDS you."

"Yes, well she doesn't anymore" Willow replied coldly.

"You don't know that Willow"

Thinking back to the last few month's Willow took a deep breath. She remembered the dark haired girl who had her arms around Tara comforting her in a vision she had seen those weeks ago.

"Maybe she did once, but not anymore. We are wasting time lets go."

"So just rushing in no plan strategically drawn out in multi-colored pens?" Xander asked trying yet again to see a glimpse of his childhood friend.

"I'm not that girl anymore, I don't do plans."

As she looked down she watched as a few drops of blood hit the floor. What a shame she thought to herself. What used to make me whole and pump my heart full of love now is just another source of torture to my soul. Ironic yet so true.

Blowing out the candle and walking out of the room Xander barley heard her mumble...

"Forgive me my sweet Tara, my baby girl, my love. That I will never be enough for you"

Xander slowly faded away with tears in his eyes. His friend feeling that much further away from him each time.

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So well that's the start.. Bare with me, I am not a so called "writer" and I don't have a beta. I am just doing this to give back to a place that has given me so much.

-lostguardian

[Willowtree252]

Dibs i don,t do pain well but i can say you put a hook on this story and are reeling me in so bring it on you are doing great as long as i get some happyness i am happy and lots of

[justin]

That's a good start to the story.

I'm curious about Willow went off to and who this Chantry is. I wonder what Tara and Buffy's reactions will be to the "new & improved" Willow.

looking forward to seeing more

[caz]

Ooooh - I like this, it's intriguing!

More soon please.

Caz

[viximon]

Oh!
That start is pertty promising so I'm gonna watch out for this one. Update soon, the chapter was short and now I'm thirsty for more
Good work

[Emms]

Mmmm very interesting so far. I'd like to see you continue this.

xoxo
Emms

[willowbaby05]

Okay, I'm hooked on. Please continue!
Akyiree

[lostguardian]

Wow I got feedback.. what a great feeling that is!

Dianneswillowtree: I will try to add a little happiness here and there until the really good happiness starts thank you

Justin: Thank you for the compliment. Lets just say theres a road that must be traveled in order to see where Willow went on her journy. I will tell you though that if not for Chantry Willow would have lost her marbles a while back. He was more or less her falling point and has helped her slowly climb back up. He is also based entirely on a old friend of mine As for their reactions, I think they have to get past the third chapter to really have a idea how they are going to be feeling lol.

Caz willowbaby05, and viximon: Thank you all and yes I know this was a short chapter. I am hoping short chapters means faster updates. I tend to read and reread everything I write and disect it. I am HORRIBLE with spelling and grammer and well I tend to ramble A LOT. SO my writing teacher back in high school always told me that when it came to me less is more since I tend to ramble forever and get off track and well looky there here I am at it again Hope you continue to enjoy.

Emms: Wow thats a great picture of Ani... got me all side tracked and drooley there for a moment lol. Thank you for the encouragement.. Lord knows I need it lol.

And well with that a big thank you again and if your still here and reading.. on with chapter 2

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Chapter 2: always find you

White lines... Broken yellow lines... What was life like back when it was "normal?" She couldn't remember anymore.. All she remembered was Xander. Evil ponies and kid eating clown at birthday parties, yellow crayons and snoopy dances on rainy days to make her smile. To make her feel better and feel safe, or maybe it was actually to make Xander feel safe it was all blurred so much that she hardly knew.

"Remember when Buffy first was learning how to drive?" Xander asked appearing beside her.

"Mmhmm" Willow said lowly so that she wouldn't disturb Chantry sitting next to her. He had been jumpy and short since she said that with, or without him she was going home. She knew that he was worried, the deep line across his brow was evident of that. However what she couldn't tell was if it was because of what they were going to face. Or the fact that this was the point where student and teacher were no longer just that. But equals.. If they were anything other then that there may not be a chance for them.

"She was a disaster, all over the road speeding and not paying attention to any of the signs much less any of the lines" Xander said with a smile on his face seeing his friend at least show a little smile at the memory. "You were in the back of the jeep screaming keep it between the mayonnaise and mustard! MAYONNAISE AND MUSTARD! Who knew that food items would teach a slayer how to drive."

Willow giggled a little before seeing Chantry look at her a little funny. Then just nodding he turned his full attention back to the road that laid in front of them. She knew that he would prefer to be on his motorcycle. With him still healing it was just too much. The confines of the four wheeled vehicle making him feel like a caged rat and that was making lite of it with his chain smoking and Mt. Dew drinking.

"I wish you could hold me Xander, put your arm around me and just tell me it will be all right. Like with the other big bads from the old days."

"Me to Will, me too" Xander said to her doing his best to put his head on her shoulder. "At least I can relate to Casper now" trying to get one more laugh out of his friend by referencing her favorite cartoon as a child.

Willow went back to looking out her window as the miles and lines went by. She remembered sitting in her parents living room when they were younger watching the episode of Casper where he had died. Even at a young age that hadn't made sense to her, a ghost dying? She remembered Xander crying like a baby only to find herself crying because it hurt her to see him cry. Her mom coming in and trying to explain to Xander and the young Willow, the difference between make believe and real life. That monsters and ghost and things that went bump in the night didn't really exist. "Wonder what she would say now if she only knew." Such a bond we have, or more had I guess since now he is my Casper. "All my fault" she thought as she closed her eyes and let the sound of the road send her off to sleep.

________________________________

Pale hands gently took her face into them slightly tilting her head towards the other girls. Perfect lips... They look so soft.. So kissable.. So much like they are calling my name. Tara looked deep into the eyes that were staring back into hers. So intense, does she know what she is doing here? Does she know how much I want her? How much I never want this night to end. Where do I fit in with her life? So beautiful, what is my place here? Eyes still searching her own... A thousand questions running through her mind. She could feel the warmth of the other girls breath meeting her own. So close just inches now, I just want to fall into her and never come up for air. I want to be what I never thought I could be just for her. She is so close... Do I dare touch this perfection?

She heard her named whispered, lips meeting her own softly at first. Gently and slowly making her lips their own, branding them with a slow burning fire filled with need and desire. The kiss slowly deepened, cautiously at first as though testing the water before diving in. Mouths opening to grant the entrance to one another, breathing becoming more labored as tongues sought each other out. Hands grasping for each other in sheer desperation to remain kneeling and not lose the contact that both desperately sought after. After a few moments Tara lost her balance and fell to the bedroom floor pulling the object of her affection on top of her. Dizzy with pleasure like she had never felt agentle laugh made her heart grow even warmer.

"Wow that was like.. WOW... I don't even know how the explain it. Is it always like that?" The voice asked her slowly rolling off to lay at her side.

Missing the warm contact of the other girls body already Tara rolled onto her side. Once more looking into the eyes of the person that held everything she was in the palm of her hand. "I am hers" She thought to herself.

"I-I don't know, I'm k-kinda new to this m-myself" she answered. Mentally chastising herself for her stuttering at completely the wrong moments.

Her eyes never leaving the gaze of the others. A huge smile forming on her loves face brought one to her own as the girl leaned in and gave her a slow and lingering kiss.

"Yup, just as I thought, you Miss Tara are not only the most special person on the planet. But your kisses are as addictive as chocolaty mocha goodness!"

"I'm special?" Tara asked, never have been called anything close to that before. Before her brain comprehended that she had just been compared to a chocolaty mocha causing her to let out a small giggle of her own.

A serious look came over the other girls face that made Tara stop in wonder.

"Your right, your more then special. When I feel so lost up in here" The girl touched her head to make it more dramatic "You always come find me and rescue me. How do you do that?"

Tara had to smile and pull the girl close to her and give her another small kiss before carefully choosing her words.

"Magic, I'll always find you, no matter how lost we get. I'll always find you I p-promise, because finding you means I am finding us."

The girl moved closer to her and wrapped her arm around her waist. "I like the sound of that.. Us.. It sounds so good.."

There was a knock on the door that brought Tara bolting into a upright position. Gathering her bearings on where she was she looked around her room that was in the Summers house. It was only a dream she thought, just another of many dreams.

"Tara I am sorry to wake you, but Giles called. Apparently he needs us as soon as possible at the Magic Box. Some members of the council are on their way. They have information on what exactly Willow has been doing the past two years." Buffy said waiting to run to her friends rescue if it was too much for her to handle all at once.

"I'll be right downstairs Buffy, I'll make us some tea and then we can go" Tara replied to the slayer trying to give her an encouraging smile.

"One up on you, already made and waiting your mixing and drinking delight" Buffy said before turning to give the blonde a moment to get ready.

" Thanks Buffy. I'll be right down."

Buffy closed the door and made her way back to the stairs stopping to look at pictures hung along the way. There was a picture of her, Xander and Willow covered in mud one rainy afternoon after playing who would rescue the damsel on top of a hill. She laughed remembering how she had played the damsel and Willow and Xander had been slipping and sliding and pulling each other down so the other might be the one to reach the maiden fair. The next one showed a frightened Xander hiding behind Willow at his birthday party that his parents insisted hiring a clown for. Taking a few more steps she stopped at her favorite picture. It showed the whole group, Xander and Anya, Her and Riley, Giles and then Willow standing beside a new friend Tara. The shy girl that Willow so boldly protected. The picture had been taken the day before Oz had come back and confronted Tara about her relationship with Willow. The day that he had wolfed out and had tried to attack her and Xander had died trying to stop him before the initiative had arrived. Dropping her head she continued to walk towards the kitchen.

"I'll find you Willow, I'll always find you. I'll find us... I p-p-promise."

Tara raised from bed and began to dress, she felt this was the first of many long days and nights.


-lostguardian

[Guppy]

I really like the beginning of this story. I am addicted to angst and it promises to be full of it. What has Willow been up to for the last 2 years? The idea of Xander as a ghost is intriguing and should be very amusing and interesting to read. I am ready and waiting for the next update!

[Emms]

Another well done chapter. I feel so bad for Tara... she misses Willow so much. Like Guppy, I too like angst...and this story seems to have a good bit of it.

I hope they find a way to bring Xander back to life... But at least he can still communicate with Willow. I wonder, can anyone else see him? or just Willow? Perhaps I missed that somewhere...

I can't wait for the next update.

xoxo
Emms

[viximon]

Yep, still enjoying very much the story. THe past reveals itself step by step. Little by little we know what happened on the past and time split.
Great! Keep it up please.
So Willow and Tara never got to be oficial? I mean to the scoobies and such. So sad.
See you next update, take care