Author: Krokador aka Melyssa
Email address: krokador@hotmail.com
Feedback: Yup, I want some. Good or bad, as long as it helps me improve it's mighty welcome!
Distribution: just ask me first
Spoilers: None, this is AU
Rating: somewhere close to PG-13 all along, i guess
Pairing: W/T, but be warned, Oz is around the picture for a lil while
Disclaimer: I don't own any characters, but i do own the words I used
Song is from Linkin Park in this chapter
Summary: Tara meets Willow in high school, and becomes friend with her when she is dating Oz. Major angst warning. (Don't worry, I'll work it out so it ends just fine) Oh, and Tara's POV in case someone wonders who's talking ^^.
Notes: This is based on my real life. Of course, I had to modify a couple of things, but if you think something isn't right, tell me and I'll look into it
Oh, and the 'putting a song into the chapter' is some kind of experiment. Tell me if you like it or not.
I also can't promise frequent updates or anything close to it. I don't have a second chapter written yet, though I am working on finding the song which its gonna be based on. Once that is taken care of, writing usually comes pretty easy (it took me 25 minutes to write that chapter, really). The songs used have a big meaning in my life, and so, if it might seem the music wouldn't fit with the atmosphere shown, the lyrics do.
This is enough blah-blah now, on with the fic! (which is more of a prologue than first chapter, but still, enjoy!)
Chapter 1: Somewhere I Belong
(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own
I can't remember how things were before that. It's like I put that day on a calendar as the day when my life began. It wasn't really, I had done lots of things before that day, like writing stuff, and drawing, and looking at people from my own weird world and wondering why I didn't have a life like them. What was it with me? I couldn't look at them without feeling this little thing inside me, like I was not normal.
During my whole life I've been looking at some girls and feeling a weird urge of becoming their friends. I was friendless, shy... So that was totally normal to me. Until later, when I was older, knew a bit more about things, I realized what it all meant. I realized I was different. And I had no one to tell, so crush after crush, I looked at them come and go, without making any move, too shy, too stupid...
I never felt so out of place. In a world where everyone was having fun, I was having dark thoughts, I couldn't rely on anything but me. I was just a loner, also some kind of geek, or nerd. Call it whatever you want, this wasn't a life. I think in the end I wasn't even searching anymore, that place I had wanted so much in society, in the world, didn't appeal to me anymore.
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
But on that day, everything changed. It was the usual day, badminton in Phys. Ed., nothing really cranking me up. I was just warming up, running around the gymnasium, when I felt the sudden warmth on my arm. She slid her own arm under mine, like she would do with her friends usually, but this time it was MY arm, it was me being so close to her, running with her. And oh my god my heart started to beat so loud.
Willow Rosenberg, the cutest redhead ever, the most beautiful green eyes I've ever seen. There she was, beside me, dragging me around the gymnasium with her. I was too dumbstruck to get anything coherent out of my mind, or so out of my mouth.
"Hey!" She said, a deep sincere smile on her face. I would've melted there, if my body would have been made of meltable material. I managed to get some kind of sound out, something that looked like a hi... with heavy stutter, damn stutter.
"So, my usual partner's not here today, wanna play with me for the class?"
My mind was screaming 'yeah, sure! Of course I want to!' but all I could get out was a stupid comment of the 'I'm a big loser here' kind.
"Y-yeah b-b-but I am no-not really good... y'know?"
And I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I)
What do I have but negativity
’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own
"Then you'll just have to become better cuz I am the best one here!" She said, squeezing my hand while letting go of my arm, smiling playfully. My mind started to freak out. That had to be a dream, or maybe not, judging by the way I was acting. She started her stretching session, and I couldn't help but look at her, while distractingly starting mine. Her skin looked so smooth, her body so... I shook my head. That was the beggining of another impossible love. I couldn't let myself fall to that again, not after how much I was hurt the last time.
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
That class was too short. I think it was the first time in my whole life I had that much fun, well, playing badminton you know. I had been careful not to get into the changing room too fast, like I actually always did. I didn't like the thought of changing in front of everyone else, that left me too open to the world. And I just so didn't want to get caught staring at Willow.
And so, with no big enthusiasm, I was changing, thinking of what my next class would be, of how long it would be 'till I could see her again. Then I mentally slapped myself again. I was doing something horrible to myself, getting attached to someone or something was the last thing I wanted. She probably had done that out of sympathy or empathy or some other 'athy' stuff I wouldn't quite get the meaning of. Getting my hopes up, even if it was just thinking of friendship, was totally out of the question.
I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today
It was lunchtime, like every other day, like every other time, I was just sitting, waiting for someone to sit near me, what would never happen. And I didn't notice Willow walking by, as lost in my thoughts as I was, when she poked me in the stomach, scaring the hell out of me, and I swear I jumped over 2 feet in the air.
"You know, you could answer when someone says hi!" She said, with a mock-pout on her face. Then she smiled at me and walked away, waving energically, then sitting on a table with a dark-haired man and a small blonde girl. I waved back politely, and I think a small smile formed on my lips. I can definitely say her smile is contagious, well at least to me.
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
I guess, that is the day my real life has begun. It led to a bunch of funny, and not-so funny stuff. To a lot of whys, hows, and tears, and fears. But I think I found on that day that there was a place for me to be in this world. It was still shallow, and I still had so many scars of all the rejections, or failures I had walked across. But this was it, I felt it deep within myself. Willow was the one who would bring me the place I was searching for.
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong
I love it. It's awesome...I love that Willow poked Tara! It's just something high schoolers do...i know from experience of being poked about everyday. Woooo! Keep it up.
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