okay so my first thread on here was closed..(way to go del!!).. sorry mods for that, but i didn't really know. i shall try harder next time eh?
This is my first fic attempt and it was written in a few hours after i read what was happening in episode 8. SO BE WARNED:
1)really inexperienced writer who hasn't even edited this yet.
2)****CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 8 TABULA RASA.*****
Title: Breathe again.
Rating: PG, i think.
Disclaimer: all of everything belongs to the almighty Joss. The idea for the story is my interpretation of what i want to happen after the events in episode 8. There is no truth in the events. it is just something i needed to write to make myself feel a little better.
Feedback: please.. i've never had feedback before.. *bats eyelids*
note: the song featured within this little fic is "Breathing" by Lifehouse.
breathe again
part 1
"Tara?"
"ermm.. delivery for Dawn Summers.."
Dawn rushed to the door past a disappointed Willow. Her heart hadn't mended since Tara had walked away three days ago. Things would never be the same.
"Willow. don't do this to yourself.." buffy had never seen her friend like this. She had cried for days when oz had left. This was different.. willow was not willow, buffy knew something was seriously wrong when she hadn't heard a willow babble for at least a week.
"Buffy… where is she? She's not in her dorm room.. that’s been allocated to someone else this year, and she hasn't applied for another one. where could she go?"
"Will.." Buffy pulled her over to the couch and wrapped her arms around her, trying to console the constantly weakening heart. " Maybe she's at a friends place. She could be staying in someone’s dorm room until she.."
"She wont be able to sleep. She doesn’t sleep well when she's by herself, or when she's with others.. only when she's with me… she. she feels safe with me...she used to."
"Willow, stop torturing yourself like this. She needs some space. tomorrow I’ll go and look for her."
Dawn came in to the room beaming with pride at the movie tickets she had won entering a local competition, when she saw the scene in front of her. She was still mad at Tara for leaving. She was the closet thing she had for a mother since her own had died almost a year ago. Tara had always insisted that things were as normal as it could be. she brought a regularity into her life, and into the lives of the scoobies. She saw what this was doing to all of them everything was falling apart right before her eyes, and what they needed most was for some regularity now that Giles was gone, again. Now Willow is crying herself to sleep every night, Buffy is up late trying to console her. For herself, she couldn't get to sleep because, well, she just couldn’t considering how very thin the walls were. Xander and Anya had started to fight again. The two of them had taken sides in the whole Willow/Tara scenario. Then Anya became insanely jealous because Xander was showing so much more concern for Willow.
Sometimes Dawn wished that Tara could see the pain that she was causing everyone. She just wanted Tara to feel all the hurt that she was feeling. It was such a childish thing to think off. But Tara was the only one to treat her like an adult. Sure on some occasions she was an over protective protector but, Tara would often hold conversations with Dawn, intelligent ones about politics and about D&M type stuff, not about school like the others would. Now she was gone, Dawn was just a child again. The child always feels the conflict hardest.
Buffy had spent a few hours with Willow until she had finally fallen asleep, and she went to see how dawn was doing.
"Buffy?"
"Dawn, you should have been asleep hours ago.."
"I can't really.."
"yeah. I understand."
"Buffy? is Willow going to be okay? Are you really gonna go find Tara.. maybe it's best if we leave her alone.. I don't know if i really want to.."
"Dawn.. I know your a little confused.. about this whole Tara thing.."
"I'm not confused. Tara left because she couldn't handle Willow being who she is. Willows' a powerful witch and Tara got scared and ran away."
"It's not like that.."
Buffy sat on the bed trying to make Dawn understand.
"That’s exactly it. Willow's got magic. It's who she is. Why should she have to stop doing magic?"
"Magic isn't something to play with. Its something to be taken seriously. Willow was using it whenever and wherever she wanted. She played with our minds Dawn.. your mind is the most valuable thing you have in this world." Buffy looked into Dawns eyes, she could see the pain and confusion in her.
"And I realised that when Glory took Tara’s.." it clicked, " .. and so when the person most precious to you, takes away the thing most precious to you.. oh god I’ve been such an idiot."
Dawn lay back down and turned away, disgusted at how she’s been treating one she cared so dearly for. Buffy lay down next to her and held her close. They stayed there, still, until the morning.
****************************
"Tara? Tara...wake up.. Tara.. hey.."
"Will.. Willow?"
"ermm.. not quite.."
Tara awoke in a daze and took a moment to clear the haze from her vision
"Oh.. sorry"
"Its fine. same thing for the past three mornings.. so long as the other vamps don't think I’m Red I’ll be right."
"Spike.. I’m s-sorry.. this is only for a little while.. I have to find a place of my own.."
"Don't worry about it, stay as long as you like, I don’t want you out there on your own anyway, Buffy would never forgive me."
Spike had just come in from his night out. He had been helping out with patrols now that buffy is preoccupied. Tara rolled of the makeshift bed, a mat with a few blankets that Spike went hunting for. It wasn't the most comfortable but considering the situation, it would do.
"I thought you might be hungry, I stole you a bagel."
"Thanks.. I’m n-not really.."
"Yes you are. you have to eat. I’m not human but I used to be. and I know that you have to eat... and your losing so much weight. your all skin and bones now.. what would Red think looking at her bird turning into a coat hanger."
Tara just looked away. Constantly thinking about Willow. The only thing she wants right now is to be curled up in her arms, to have her stroke her head and whisper sweet nothings into her ear.
---------
The sun shone through the gap in the messy closed curtains, bathing the sleeping figures in a florescence.
"Hey sleepy head"
"Hey you.." Willow grunted. As was her usual morning demeanour. Not being much of a morning person, she stretched like the kitty at the end of the bed, turned over into her lady and went straight back to sleep.
"Ahh...no you don't missy. You have a morning class.. up you get. .or do I need to break out in a hysterical stereotypically witch-like crazy fit of tickles?"
"Mmm... I don't feel well...mnmmgmmuffffeehuuuuuummmfffffffss.. my tummy hurts."
"Really? Does it really hurt? Or are you just saying it so you get a free tummy rub?"
The look of misery on Willow face confirmed it, a real tummy ache.
Willow turned over and lay on her back as Tara, on her side, moved her hands in gentle circulations over her mid-section. The soft massage slowly warming the naked flesh beneath it.
"owwee.. Tara.. it really hurts.."
"Shh.. its okay baby.. close your eyes.. I’m here.. breathe.."
"I am hanging on every word you say and,
even if you don't wanna speak tonight,
that’s alright, alright with me.
Cos I want nothing more than to
sit outside heavens door and
listen to you breathing. Its where I wanna be."
With that sweet lulling from the lips of the lover to the ears of the tamed, Willow slept.
------------------
She had awakened after dreaming the same dream over and over again. The bed she lay in seemed so huge now, a massive cold space next to her. Her eyes were still red and puffy from crying, and just when she thought there was no possible way anyone could cry anymore, she gazed up at the picture sitting on the dresser. Willow grinning like a kid who just got her first bike. Tara, her lips pressed against the side of Willow face, with a cheeky yet affection gleam in her eye. They were so in love.
"I still love you.. so much.", as the tears streamed down once more, she rocked herself back to sleep.
"Dawn.. remember, watch what your saying to her.. she just a little tender.."
"I know, I just went past her room.. she's still crying.."
"I'm sorry."
Both girls turned towards the hall and saw her leaning against the banister for support before she made her way into the kitchen.
"Did I wake you guys with my senseless pathetic wailings?"
"Your wailings didn't wake us.. I mean.. you didn't wail.. well not loud enough for us to hear.." Dawn wasn’t very good at the subtle.
"Dawn.. why don't you go get ready for school.."
"Its a Saturday, and it's noon."
"Oh.. right.. just.. go get ready."
She shrugged her shoulders and sighed at once again being left out of a conversation. True she will probably make things a whole lot worse but still, inclusion would be nice.
" How are you?"
"I’m fine.", the truth of her statement being deceived by the cracking of her voice.
"We.. ermm.. saved you some breakfast, but that go kinda cold and freakishly squishy. So I thought you'd be more in the mood for lunch."
"Its okay.. I'm not feeling like food."
The look on her face caused Buffy so much pain.
"Have you tried looking for Tara yet? I don't know where she slept last night. can we go?"
"Will you have to stay home. I'm not letting you out of the house."
Willow's eyes grew as she stood up. Confusion overriding her.
"Fine. I’ll go myself"
"NO! Willow your too weak.. you can barely make it up the stairs.."
"I'm going." she turned to face her friend, her eyes growing dark.
"And you think she's gonna want to see you playing miss witchbitch?", buffy wasn't going to be played by this intimidation. She was starting to loose her patience, Willow knew better than to turn on, of all people, the Slayer.
"This is the reason she left. Willow unless you get some control she's not coming back. Why can't you realise that."
Willow broke down at the realisation. It had taken days for her to see it, but now she did. Buffy watched as the blackness faded and she crumbled onto the floor.
" Buffy I need magic.. we are magic.. it's what brought us together.."
"But it's not what she's in love with. She would love you with all her heart if you couldn't make a teddy dance for the rest of your life. Don't you see that."
All willow could do is shake her head as she closed her eyes. Buffy knelt by her side.
"I'll go look for her."
"Bring her back please.."
" I can't if she doesn’t... I’ll try."
Buffy helped her up and led her to the couch. After leaving her in Dawns care, she left.
**************
okay heres the second and last little bit. i hope you guys enjoy it!
breathe again
part 2
The day had gone somewhere, anywhere really, Buffy didn't quite know. Before she knew it dusk was settling in, and she was ready to head back home. Buffy had been everywhere all over Sunnydale, even checked out the motels that were close by. She concluded that Tara had maybe taken a bus back to her father.
'Oh god.. what am I suppose to tell Willow'
*************
"Spike? Do you think that m-maybe.. you could.. um.. d-don't worry.. it's okay."
"What? you need the loo's again? that’s right.. scared of the dark.. here I’ll walk you there.."
He stood from his seat in front of the TV and opened the door in a most gentlemanly fashion.
Tara blushed.
"No it's okay Spike.. I don’t need to use the bathroom. thanks."
"What on your mind? The commercials are nearly over.."
"I was just wondering if.. you had seen Buffy lately.. if you knew how.. how.."
"Strangely enough she's been avoiding me. Your bird ain't the only one having to work out their priorities in life.. and it seems like this is the place for us to wait."
He was really trying to help but it didn't seem to be doing much. The chip installed some kind of compassion in him and the one person he didn't want to be hurt was Tara. Even someone like Spike could see that she was the sanity amongst the scoobies.
"No I don't know what your sweets is doing. I could go find out if you really want."
Windex making your windows sparkle was breaking the sombre mood. He switched it off and went and sat next to her, an awkward but comfortable attempt at consolation.
"It's okay.. I’m fine."
"I may not be the most alive person this side of Greenwich, but I can tell when a heart is broken... and yours going through the shredder 10 times over. you should speak to her."
"I can't. She won't listen. It's what i have to do." Tara lay her head down and faced the wall.
"Don't you think that she's probably crying her little eyes till they match the locks on her head? She loves you. It's a love that I wish I could have.. for the sake of us all.. please go to her." He stood but saw that he wasn't going to get an answer. Exasperated, he threw the blanket over her, making sure she was warm.
" She loves you. Its not everyday someone feels that way about you. Hold on to it.. don't ever let go. Your one of the lucky ones."
With that he went outside to give her some privacy. He sat by his crypt, and lit up.
****************
"Spike."
He raised his head at the voice.
"Buffy.. what are you.."
" Its the cemetery. I slayer. I patrol."
" Thanks I forgot about that little discrepancy. How've you been?"
" Alright I guess.. considering.. considering the fact that I’m keeping up a sane conversation with you.. Spike have you seen where Tara's run off to?"
He stood, and casually walked away, drawing Buffy away from the place where the girl in question was finally getting some much needed rest.
" Red's bird? wouldn't have a clue. I'm not some kind of Scooby babysitter. How is she anyway.. Will?"
" I don't know.. she's not taking this too good. Pretty much total meltdown. It's getting to Dawn too."
Spike nodded. Buffy was now confused as to why Spike was enquiring, but was too exhausted to care.
"She been missing Tara has she?"
"Of course.. we all.."
"Would do anything to get her back?"
" I guess.."
"playing with the magic anymore? she's stopped right?"
"Spike! what are you on about??"
He reeled back with his hands in the air. Buffy knew that he was hiding something now. Spike tried to pull the innocent face , but he never seemed to be able to pull it off very well. Eventually, under her intense gaze that was sure to end in a world of hurt, he lowered his arms and pointed at the crypt.
"Tara? Tara.."
She rolled over and looked into the familiar eyes.
"Buffy.. I’m .. what are you doing here"
"Come to take you back to where you belong."
" I'm going home.. with my father.. I’ll take the bus in the morning. I'm sorry."
"No your not.. Willow is broken and you need to come fix her."
" Buffy.. don't make me go through this again."
Spike watched from the door as Tara curled up like a foetus, shying away from the demands.
"Buffy.. leave her be.. she’s tired."
"Spike.. stay out of this.. you have nothing to do with this.."
" Oh yes I do. She's just had her mind and soul jack hammered and you want her to go back to the root of it all. Give her some space."
" They need to sort things out.. there’s someone there who wants nothing but to be with the one she loves, and she can't because she.. she's not sure what she wants. But she knows now. She just doesn’t know how to say it."
The realisation and double meaning that underlined her words was heard by all. Spike stepped up to her, but her recoil sent him back out the door. He couldn't understand her. And right now he didn't really want to. All he wanted to do was get away.
Almost an hour had past and all Buffy could do is sit there and look at Tara, the same look of total bewilderment was present. She was so lost.
"Tara.. come back to the house with me. Willow missed you, give her one more chance."
"She doesn’t understand."
" I talked to her, I’m pretty sure Dawn's probably said a few words by now too."
" There’s nothing I can do anymore. Its up to her."
" Tara she’s not eating.. she's barely eaten a crumb and by the looks of it neither have you. Come back.. "
"Willow?"
"umm.. no.. it's buffy. you know.. oh god, don't tell me you haven't recovered form the spell."
"Baby?"
"no! its BUFF-FY. remember? slayer? rarrr rarr?"
Tara ignored her remarks and raised her head towards the door, staring intensely at it.
Buffy was totally confused now. She followed the other girls' gaze. The door opened.
"Tara? Tara??"
Tara scrambled for the door as Willow entered.
" oh baby.. don't ever leave me again.. I’m so sorry.. no more magic.. I promise.. I swear on every goddess.. ask Buffy.. no more.. I don't want it if I’m going to lose you again.."
"Willow.. shh.. I’m here.. my love, I’m here."
The embracing and the sobbing happening in front of Buffy made her feel slightly out if place. Quietly, she stepped outside, not intending to go far, just in case. She made her way around the side, only to bump into a smoking vampire in a black leather jacket.
" Spike I.. you brought Willow here.."
" I could stand to see her like that.. and you were right about them. I suppose Will's learnt her lesson."
" I think so. I don't know... we'll have to wait and see."
" Sometimes it takes total insanity to bring back a little piece sanity."
Spike moved towards a wall and sat down. He put his head back and looked at the stars.
Buffy walked up and joined him in his contemplation. He sighed as he looked at her, smiled and turned his eyes upwards again.
" you know I’ve never really noticed the stars before. Slaying duties seem to take up most of my star time."
" They're the most innocent things in the world. They don't know what’s going on down here, and they don't care. They just stay there and smile at us."
" That would be a great existence. nothing to worry about that except sparkle, and everyone is happy."
He looked back at her only to catch her staring back at him.
" I wouldn't want to live like that. I wanna know, I wanna feel. Its not something dead people excel in. To have a life again. to breathe.. you don't really miss your water until your dry."
****************
The reunited two were sitting on the dusty floor , huddled in a corner, Tara's blanket around them. Neither of them wanted to let the other go, clinging as if the other was a life-force. For what seemed like an eon, their heartbeats finally returned into sync, and beat at a steady rhythm. Tara was the first to break the peace.
"Willow.. I.. we.. we have to talk.."
She could feel the slight stirrings of the weakened frame resting on her. She raised her and nodded her head, still not wanting to break the physical contact that had been void for so many days.
" What you did.. i don't know if.. it hurt me"
" I know. And it hurts me more to know that. I hurt Buffy, and Dawnie, and Xander and Anya are fighting because of me.. but I hurt you. If I had any water left in my body I’m sure I’d start crying here again."
" But you do realise .. it's going to take me a while to.."
" I know. And I’ll wait for you.. I’ll do whatever it takes.. I’ve done some horrible stuff, even to Buffy. I saw how scary it is. and I don't want it. all the power in the world is useless if I can't wake up with you."
" you just miss my belly rubbings.."
It was the first time either girl had smiled in an eternity. Willow rested her head once again on her loves chest, and listened to her breathing.
" I'm going to try my best for you. I'll make you so proud...like how you make me feel every time I look at you"
" You don't have to prove yourself to me. You have to prove it to yourself. I'll still be here waiting for you. I love you Willow... for being Willow."
" Do you mean that. If I’m never able to cast a spell for the rest of my life? if I can't make you little teddy dance, or I can't give you magic makeovers or fix the omelette that I burnt? I mean what if.."
Tara stopped the babble mode with a kiss. It was like it was the first time; tentative and loving.
" I'd take the burnt omelettes any day. The only thing I want, is to hear you breathing. Every night, every morning, in my arms."
" It's where I want to be."
*********************************************
FIN