First Fic: Beholden (AU)

[JennY]

I agree! I need more! I love this fic, but the updates are soooooooo short. Okay... I'm sorry... I won't whine. Its just that I really love this fic, and I wish every update was at least 10 pages long. Anyway...



Poor Tara. She must not have a clue why Willow has been avoiding her.... and GRRRR to Willow for just leaving Tara confused and hurt. Oy... I hope we get smoochies soon. ... or, at the very least, some more cleavage staring. Great stuff.

Update please!

-----------



JennY





"Alls I know is I'm gettin' straight A's, and that ain't not bad."-- Bart Simpson

[Tarahand]

that's it....that's not enough i need more of it...... don't leave me hanging what would it take to get more out of you fast tell me i'll do anything!!

[famer]

Love your fic cinderlust. The "Willow loves Tara, Tara's a bit of an oblivious blockhead" premise is pretty fun.



I see the possibility of a completely unaware-of-true-reason Tara-tantrum, if Willow's been seeing Shelley (not in a serious way, of course) or trying to meet other girls. Could there be a double date with Brian coming up? I bet you that Tara'll go haywire if she catches Willow looking at someone's cleavage other than Tara's.



I hope you update soon!



ps Did Willow skip psych class that week?



pps LOVED your cleavage staring.

Edited by: famer at: 1/26/03 10:01:26 am

[willntlover]

It's just so damn sad! I love it, but I want them together



-Will

"I think finding her soulmate would have made Tara a more confident and secure person" -Amber Benson

[TareBearRS]

Ow man this is a sad story.



I really hope they can work this out soon. It must be hell for both of them.



Even though it was so sad i had to keep on reading cause i was hoping to read the part where they make up and get past this awkardness, cause this just sucks big time.





R.

[xita]

I really enjoy this, angst is my friend. Take as long as you need as they embark on their road to each other. Tara is pretty oblivious and Willow did the right thing. Tara needs to realize what Willow means to her.



This line, " Nothing seemed real unless she told Willow about it, hence the notes." I get that. I've said the very same thing about my gf. When times are rough that's always something that keeps me where I am.

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

Tallulah Bankhead

[Ginner WTluv]

So sad yet.... so good at the same time. I love this fic. More! More! lol.



~ Jen

I'd like to take a moment to talk about something that's happened lately. I'm also in love. It's a very special thing and I'm really rather proud of it. Yes, I'm in love with my own breasts. I feel no personal shame about this; in fact, I think this is the one. It's going to last. ~ Ruth

[cinderlust]

Wow! Lots of great reactions! I'm thrilled you guys like it so far. Lemme just say, you're an amazing bunch and this is the best board ever Thank you!



Nickole speaking of more... I want more of Once More, Truthfully. It's an amazing read. Thanks for that. And yup, I'll try to get an update later today...



JennY LOL. Sorry for the brevity of the updates. RL and work always get in the way.... Plus, I've sorta been hiding this from everyone I know. I swear, they've threatened sending me to a shrink because of my W/T obsession. bah. what do friends know. hehe.



Tarahand anything? mwahahahahha! oh don't get me going.



famer hehe. i'm almost tempted to write a double date just to see a tara-tantrum. ooooooh. that'd be fun! i feel a cackle coming on. *grins evilly* We'll see. Oh and no to the psych class. There'll be a mention in the next update. and oh yeah. really enjoyed the cleavage staring too.



willntlover *handing out a tissue* me too. me too. a few more updates and I promise blockhead (that made me laugh, famer) tara will disappear.



TareBearRS yeah. it's sad, but that could only mean it'll be sweeter when they do get together. hang in there and thanks for reading.



xita don't wanna rush them too, thanks for understanding. Nice to know someone else could identify with how tara feels. as much as she doesn't know just how much she needs willow, she knows the world doesn't go on without her.



Jen Yay! You want more! Soon, I promise.



Thanks again everyone. I'll try to post an update in a few hours. cheers!

[JennY]

k... no update... I can deal. teehee

I totally know what you mean... no one respects the W/T obsession. They have no clue what they're missing!



*edit: I didn't read the last line... a few hours!? YAY.

-----------



JennY





"Alls I know is I'm gettin' straight A's, and that ain't not bad."-- Bart Simpson

Edited by: JennY at: 1/26/03 10:11:11 pm

[cinderlust]

Okie dokie. An update like I promised. I've got a not so happy Willow in it, so it's high on the angst scale. Sorry you guys, but it's gotta be done.

Would really appreciate your feedback. Thanks again for all the comments!

Disclaimers and Summary in part 1.

thoughts in italics

---

The neon sign threw garish shapes, momentarily bathing the night in red. The rhythm of the blinking lights created a pattern of unrest within the motel’s perimeters. The sign read, MOE. The lights on T and L burned out weeks ago. In a town where there was no competition, the owner found no reason to replace the sign. The inhabitants of the only motel in Sunnydale were unlikely to mind that oversight. They were usually the vagrants of society, the people no one missed. Though Willow’s mind rebelled against the notion, some part of her said she belonged.



Willow ached with thoughts of Tara; she thought of the blonde goddess even when she refused to allow her overtaxed brain. Like now. She sighed heavily against the cheap material of the motel’s pillowcase. Impulse dictated that she call her friend, just to tell her not to worry, but it was impulse that brought her to this place and she wouldn’t give in to that again.



The idea had been to leave, hoping that an enforced sabbatical would renew her spirit. Now it was turning out to be a sabbatical in hell. Did I really expect to find a way to control these emotions here? In this stupid place? It seemed ridiculous now, but it had been a logical hiding place. Hiding? Something clicked in place with that word and she sat up abruptly. Her over stimulated brain propelled her body to move. She paced the room wondering what her real motive really is, backtracking on little clues she should have picked up.



I’m here to save my friendship with Tara. Willow fought against her own realization. But that’s not really true. I’m here because I’m hiding. And if I’m hiding, I must be afraid of something… something worse than frogs and horses. Yeah, nasty arm biting horses prancing—wait! Think Willow… you’re good at this. She paused and took a deep breath. Tara. The name had been a mantra, constantly reverberating in her soul. Tara? I’m not afraid of her. Hurting Tara? Yes, but there’s more. Getting hurt.



“No!” Willow shook her head violently, her red hair moving like a fiery mass against her face. How can I be this selfish?! There had never been any intention to drop the feelings because deep within, she’d always known there was no way that could ever happen. She’s my always.



Regretfully, she fell on the narrow bed, her body shaking with unshed tears. She ran because she was scared of the pain, scared of wanting so much more each time she watched the sun caress Tara’s face. Each innocent touch that had made her soar was laced with pain. It whispered promises that could never be fulfilled. She always found herself wanting more only to be denied.



She remembered all the words Tara uttered that had made her float for days and when it was time to forget, she memorized them with renewed vigor, fuelling her happiness. I do this to myself; she would never hurt me. I’m the one who reads too much in everything. I’m the idiot who overanalyzes until a simple, “I miss you.” becomes “I wish I could spend every second with you.”



Her fist pummeled the bed once. Twice. The muffled thuds against her ear eclipsing the soft knock on the door. The knock came again, louder this time. Willow’s body tensed, ready to spring into action. Tara? She scampered from her bed. Maybe I can hide in the closet.



“Will! Open up. I know you’re there. And I think it’s too late to go back in the closet now.” Buffy glared at Willow’s reflection on the window. “I can see you Will. Come on. I’m not leaving.” Buffy was wondering if the scowl would ever leave her face now.



Willow angrily marched up to the door, unlatching the lock. “How the hell did you find me?”



“You told me this afternoon. You said, Buff, thank god psych was cancelled yesterday, but staying at the motel really sucks. I had to walk 30 min. just to get to class –“



“Okay. Okay. So I did. My wiz of a brain must’ve short-circuited on me. What are you doing here?” Willow wondered about Buffy’s scowl. It seemed permanent. Not a muscle moved throughout that tirade.



“I saw Tara.” Buffy paused and waited for a reaction, her eyes piercing. She wasn’t disappointed.



“How is she??? Did she say anything about me at all? Did she say she missed me? AT ALL? Huh? Huh? Is she alright?” Buffy’s angry silence forged on which made Willow panic. “Oh god, how is she? Please tell me.”



Buffy realized that her friend would soon be a heap on the floor if she continued on being tight-lipped. She hated seeing her friends like this. Her expression softened. “Will, look I know you’ve got a big crush on her, but breathe ok? She didn’t say much… just dumped these on me and left.” She decided against telling Willow how distraught Tara had looked. It wouldn’t do any good now.



Willow held the notes as if they were sacred. “Do you know what these mean to me? Buffy, do you understand? This means everything.” Tara’s been thinking about me! She wrote me notes! She – argh! Stop it. This can’t be healthy. But she wrote… and thought and – maybe she just wants to borrow my notes. “She wrote. And now I can’t stop grinning.” In a small voice she added, “Help me.”



Buffy worried about her friend. I've never seen anyone look this happy and scared at the same time. “Will, you gotta take this slow. I don’t wanna see either of you hurt. Please be careful.”



“Buffy, I can’t do this. I shouldn’t be doing this. She’s my friend. I don’t want to lose her. Make it stop, Buffy. Tell me she’s got a mole the size of Mt. Rushmore… tell me it’s hairy… tell me she can peel off her skin… that she’s actually a frog under that beautiful silken goddess of a body. Frog. Frog. Frog. Goddess. Goddess. Goddess. Frog. Goddess. Ugh. It’s not working.”



Buffy smiled, relieved to be given a new role to play. “Well. When we were 12, she dressed up as a princess for Halloween.”



“Awwwww. That fits her so well. Where was I when all this was happening?”



“Xander tipped you on Tara’s costume and you decided to stay home.” Refusing to be interrupted by Willow’s barrage of questions, she continued, “Wait, I’m not done… she brought along a frog who was supposed to be her Prince Charming.”



“Oh Ewwwww! I remember! But Awwww. Still so cute. I should’ve gotten over my frog fear for her.”



“That’s not how you’re supposed to react.”



“I can’t help it. I keep seeing this really cute blonde goddess…”



“As opposed to the cute blonde chopped liver beside her, huh…”



“Buff—“



“I’m kidding. Will, I know you’ve got this major crush on Tara, but –“



“It’s not just a crush.” Willow rushed her words then took a deep breath to reveal all the pent-up emotions. “I want to be able to reach over without hesitation and hold her hand knowing she needs my touch as much as I need hers. I want to be able to buy her flowers, kiss her and tell her I love her as many times a day as humanly possible. I want to trace her lips, that lopsided grin and leave its imprint on my fingers. I want to turn over in the middle of the night to be greeted by the scent of her hair. I just… I just want to open my eyes one morning and know … for sure… open my eyes and not be confused anymore. I just… I’m tired of being confused. I’m so tired of being …here.”



Willow couldn’t contain the tears anymore, she sat there catatonic as Buffy engulfed her in a hug. For several minutes they stayed like that until Buffy raised red-rimmed eyes to Willow’s watery ones. In a thick voice, the blonde suggested, “Will, maybe you should read the notes.”

[JustSkipIt]

Wow, totally wonderful. A new angst champion walks into the room. Or into the pen as it may be. Tara is totally obsessed with Willow and can't think of anything else but her. And now Willow... staying in a motel to hide? That's nuts but shows how Willow is thinking. I hope the notes are a good guide. Wonderful job. Debra

---

"War may be a necessary evil. But no matter how necessary it is always evil." - President Jimmy Carter after receiving the Nobel Peace Prize



"Use your imagination not to scare yourself to death but to inspire yourself to life." - Adele Brookman

[willntlover]

'MOE' And willow forgetting she told buffy she was at the hotel



lovely update!!



::get to the notes!!get to the notes!!::



-Will

"I think finding her soulmate would have made Tara a more confident and secure person" -Amber Benson

[tommo]

Oh wow; comparing this latest update to your others, you can really see a style emerging. You seem to be really taking your time over the description; the opening paragraph was great. I'm a big fan of the narrative flow, heh. And I'm really enjoying this.



I loved Willow's impatience, without realising that she was probably talking so fast that Buffy couldn't get a word in edgeways anyway, heh heh. That's so very Willow-like.



God I can't wait to read what's in those notes...

It's in your eyes, I can tell what you're thinking; my heart is sinking too...It's no surprise, I've been watching you lately; I want to make it with you...

[BFR from Paris]

I just found this fic, and I like it a lot!!

I can so relate to Willow...



I hope when Willow reads the notes, she looks like this (only with hair) : and not like this :



Anyway, I'm looking forward to an update!



Christine

[JennY]

AWWWWWWWWWWW! Yeah Will... read the notes!



Another fantastic update!

-----------



JennY





"Alls I know is I'm gettin' straight A's, and that ain't not bad."-- Bart Simpson

[samiamiguess]

Hey there, I've just caught up on this. Now I'm not usually a big angst gal, more a little-angst-lass. If there's a warning I admit I've been known to wait just a tad until the next update comes along before reading. Just to ease the pain (I've a delicate heart ). But I can't help it, there's angst here but I'm just really enjoying it!! (the story not the angst of course) So yay you.



Looking forward to more,

Sonya

[Tawilove]

Oh my! that was angsty but so well written, while i was reading i was overwhelmed with Willow's feelings, i coul feel them growing crescendo it felt very powerful.

Great update

Now i will keep my fingers crossed until i know what's in Tara's notes, wishing they will bring some hope to our dear red-head

The earth is blue like an orange
Paul Eluard

[Rane018]

are you writing in the update thread? i keep missing these little gems!

"We're forgetting about the troll.

Let's pay attention to the troll." Tara, Triangle



*never attribute to malice what can be explained by incompetence*

[deixs]

You can't leave us hanging there

What's in the notes????



Stef

Willow: Hey, clothes!

Tara: Better not get used to 'em.

Willow: Yes ma'm

[Little M]

This is such a great fic!!!!!!!!!



Thank you for the update.......poor poor Willow being so torn like that. I can't wait to see what's in the notes

------------------

'I go online sometimes, but everyone's spelling is really bad..it's depressing' - Tara



www.amberbenson-online.cjb.net

[hush30]

Wow great story cinderlust. Poor Willow she's so scared of losing Tara as her best friend but at the same time painfully aware of how amazing it would be if Tara felt the same way about her. Some things are worth the gamble though. What's in the notes from Tara? I'm just loving it, angst and all and can't wait for the next part.

"I think this line's mostly filler" - Willow in OMWF

[Grimlock72]

Slowly but surely Willow is figuring out WHY she went to that motel in the first place. Willow indeed is the type who needs a break to think things over. She really should have told Tara some excuse though, tell her you're out of town the next week or so. Anything will do just to stop Tara worrying or blaming herself.



The verrry fast way of thinking and speaking Willow tends to use when she's all tense is very well done. I'm somewhat amazed Buffy followed that final speech like that Though she might have skipped some and just told Willow to read the notes anyway.



Running away might be a good thing to get your thoughts in order but at have Tara know you're ok. You can't really hide out till winter (i.e. more concealing cloths ) anyway. Can't have Tara walking around all sad and lost, she must be worried sick.



Grimmy

"You hurt Tara," Willow said too calmly. "The last one who tried that was a god. I made her regret it." -- Unexpected Consequences by Lisa of Nine

[cinderlust]

hi kittens! Sorry for the delay in the update... was planning to post yesterday, but had this horrid bout with food poisoning. ugh. on the upside, i get to stay home from work today and rest. yay! this could only mean update goodness later



thanks again for all the great feedback! will post individual replies in a bit.

[hush30]

You poor thing that's not the best way to get time off work (tickets to an Amber Benson signing would be much, much better). I hope you're feeling better soon. I heard watching copious amounts of W/T goodness is the best way to get over food poisoning. Also reading or writing W/T fan fic is extremely helpful (sorry I couldn't resist putting that in as well , your fic is very addictive). You just concentrate on getting better whatever is takes.



Nan

"I think this line's mostly filler" - Willow in OMWF

[Incitatua 8]

Hurry ! :-O I want to read those notes too !! Hope they put Willow out of her "misery"...and me too. Bravo!

[jixer]

Hello Kittens-



Buffy with the notes reminds me somehow of grade school Valentine's Days (very) long past with the children playing postman.



Thank you for this work,



Jixer

[cinderlust]

Debra angst champion. not so much. it pains me writing it. can't wait to write the good parts! Thanks for the clappy! love that guy.



willntlover hehe. yeah. MOE. glad you liked it.



Ruth thank you! I have a style! woohoo! notes comin' right up.



Christine glad you like it! thanks. uhm, sorry to say but it'll be a bit of this and when Willow reads the notes. please don't kill me!



JennY yay! big clappy guy. hehe. thanks.



Sonya yay me indeed! sorry for putting you through the angst... and there's a bit more coming... but hope's always there.



Tawilove hehe. more clappys. i'm addicted, i think. tara's notes. you'll see them soon. there're about a dozen!



Rane018 uhm, 'kay... on my way to the update thread. oopsie. thanks for dropping by.



Stef lol. patience my dear. lots of stuff are in the notes. tara kept herself busy.



Little M yeah. poor Will indeed. I can't wait for them to get together!



hush30 i agree. some things are worth the gamble. Willow's just gotta be a bit patient. Tara needs to catch up with her emotions. Oh what I wouldn't give to go to an Amber Benson signing! lol to your suggestions. hehe. feeling better now, thanks.



Grimmy I don't think Willow thought out the going away plan too well... it was an impulsive decision... the real motives of which, she didn't truly understand. She's completely unaware of how hurt and worried Tara is, but she'll soon understand with the notes...

Thanks for the feedback Grimmy!



Incitatua 8 yup! hurrying up! posting the update soon as i finish this, but i warn you, it won't all be good.



Jixer hehe. yeah. i got into the habit with my best friend... it was fun while it lasted.



okie dokie kittens, hopefully the next update will be worth the anticipation. thanks for the lovely comments!

[cinderlust]

Summary and Disclaimers in Part 1

This part gets angsty yet again. It's a very odd thing that keeps happening when I write this. It's not premeditated, I swear!



Also, there's a bit of a cliffhanger in this one.



Uhm, dare I say -- enjoy!

---

It was a moment worthy of the national geographic, a phenomenon so poignant it should have been documented. A woman alone in a dingy motel room reverently traced the word Tara on a piece of paper. Yes, seemingly a mundane task, but as the woman felt the texture of the paper beneath, her heart sang a pure song of delight and her face, oh… it had the most beautiful smile transfixed. Da Vinci would have painted that moment.



Willow held on to the first note, her eyes gliding aimlessly over the words as if looking for clues beyond what was said.



Willow,

I’m at the Espresso Pump… well duh, didn’t need to tell you that, there’s a large print on the napkin…Anyway, try letting the whipped cream melt into an ice blended mocha next time. Let it sit for about 5 minutes and just melt in. Yummy.

Tara



She reread the words imagining Tara’s mood at the time. She usually drinks tea. I’m the mocha girl. That’s strange. Still, it had a frivolous tone and she wished she had been there instead of reading about it now. I miss that silly half grin on her face.



Carefully, she placed the note down and reached for the second one. She smoothed the crease allowing herself a moment of calm before forging on.





Will,

Bronzing. Everyone’s dancing but me. Where’re you???

Wish you were here. I think you’d actually enjoy the music tonight.

Tara



Wish you were here. It was like a broken record in her head, the words constantly on repeat, tumbling over each other. Did she want to dance with me? Wish I were there too. She sighed dreamily.





Willow,

I’ve chased down 6 redheads in college for the past 2 days.

I’m becoming a threat to society. Save me please.

Soonish would be good.



Tara



A giggle escaped as she read that one. She had an absurd image of Tara doing just that. Nah. Can’t happen. She’s definitely exaggerating on this one. She laughed softly again. You don’t have to chase me doofus. How can you still not know that?





Dear Willow,

Just bumped into someone I knew a lifetime ago – back when I was in the 3rd grade.

Strange how the world is so small yet I can’t see you from where I am.



Tara



Her breath hitched. A noise at the window was a welcome distraction. Her eyes searched the night for any sign of danger. She found a twig rattling against the glass and smiled at her own paranoia. Tara, are you thinking about me now?



Willow,

I am holding hostage a bunch of different colored pens. If you want to see them intact, meet me in UC Sunnydale. I’m the blonde in black leather (not really, but I thought pen-napper, so leather…)



Remember, the ink will be on your hands.



Tara



Willow found herself grinning like a fool. Tara in black leather. Yum. Am I a total perv or what?! She reprimanded, yet allowed the image of black leather swirling around Tara to remain.





Dear Willow,

In class now, find myself thinking a lot about you these days…

The lecturer decided to be a technocrat today - reading his notes from a laptop…

It looks exactly like yours. Don’t you wish you were here? This could be your computer’s true love.



Tara



I’ve found mine, why can’t my laptop. Willow loved the moments when Tara was just silly. It was so rare when other people were around.





Will,

Just hear me out. Pick up the phone. I know you’re there. Your voice is everything.

Tara



To say she was startled was an understatement. Do you mean what I think you mean or is it just me wishing you mean what I want you to mean? Oh god, I don’t even understand what I just said. “You’re my everything.” Willow whispered to the words as if speaking to them would transmit the emotion to Tara. “You’re my everything.” She whispered again as her eyes misted.





Dear Willow,

Everything will be okay someday, right? I’m so sorry. Whatever I’ve done, I’m sorry.

Tara



Oh god. Oh god. It’s not your fault. “I’m sorry. I did this. Please forgive me.” The tears were flowing freely now.





Maybe it’s time for me to end this one sided conversation. I was once nothing. That’s all I am and ever will be. Why does it hurt so much Willow? I want to feel nothing.





Tara! What’ve I done?! Willow was frantic to read the rest of the notes. She hadn’t counted on the downward spiral it had taken. You’re not nothing! Oh god. You’re the opposite of nothing. You’re special… and perfect… and amazing… and wonderful. Her hands wildly swiped at the tears as she frenetically pulled out the next note.





Willow where are you? I can’t find you. We could always find each other.

Why don’t you want to be found? Don’t leave me please.

Willow where are you?



I promise I’ll be there Tara. Right now, I’m coming. And with those internal words, her legs propelled her out of the room. She flipped to the next note, the words hurting her beyond belief. I deserve this pain.





How do I do normal when everything is upside down? Nothing feels real until I tell you about it. How odd that the world crumbles in your absence… even the ground I’m walking on feels like sand.





Tara. Tara. I’m so sorry. She was running, familiar now with the road to UC Sunnydale after 5 days of walking there. She ran, not even pausing to catch her breath. Her tears fell in abundance, unchecked.





Everything mocks my misery. Classes go on, people walk by, the sun still sets, the phone still rings… but it’s never you. Why is it never you?



Tara’s words gave her the strength to pick up speed. She ran unseeing through the tears, panic and pain. A tree branch scratched her cheek, drawing blood and she didn’t even pause.





Dear Willow,



I’ve already used too many words just to tell you this –

I miss you.

Tara





She reached the campus and once the dorms were in view, collapsed on her knees. She took in large gulps of air, her lungs pushed beyond what it was normally capable. Her small frame shuddered as she pushed herself up. Her steps were leaden as she took the last few to Tara’s dorm. Once outside the blonde’s door, she quickly tried to clean her face to some semblance of sanity. And then she lifted her arm to the point of no return and knocked.

[SilverWingedNemesis]

That was just....



Oh my... *smiles through her tears* that was so wonderful!!



I loved they way you brought out all of Willow's emotions and how she felt and reading Tara's notes..and poor Tara...oh my..I can't wait to see what you have instore for us next!!



Keep up the amazing work!!





~NICK~

[EffieBlue]

A BIT OF A CLIFF-HANGER!!!!



That's an understatement.



The notes were brilliant, when is the next update??????



Kinda hopping about here wanting to know what happens.....





Jill