Fic - I Dream of Thee

[jomarch]

*BM* - *Jomarch waves rather excitedly to BM*. Hiya and how are you and are you going to update your story?? (...no pressure ). And the continuation with the yoga continues to impress me . Thanks for reading.

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You must think that something is happening with you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; It will not let you fall

And Death shall have no Dominion

[jomarch]

Spoiler Warning - It starts from Seeing Red and then completely veers off in all kinds of tangents. It covers both the Buffy and Angel universe.

Disclaimer - All characters, names and some dialogue etc belong to ME and Joss Whedon. However, due to improper usage and gross mishandling of characters and plot lines by aforementioned parties, it is with great pleasure that I (and all the other writers on the board) use them for the reading pleasure of kittens everywhere.

Rating - PG

Feedback - Yes, please. Here or you could e-mail me. I really do like reading all of the responses and knowing which parts were good (so I can write more of those) aswell as which parts that are not so good.

Notes - Again thanks to my beta, Tommo. I also have to apoligize to her for my punctuation or lack thereof.

I hope the posting is not too erratic but I am swamped at work and have been trying to write as fast as possible. The good news is that I have the outline for the entire story and have written the last chapter. I just need to write all the ones in between.



Title : I Dream of Thee

Chapter 3a



Sunnydale, California



‘Buffy’s dead, Buffy’s dead, Buffy’s dead, Buffy’s dead, Buffy’s dead, Buffy’s dead, Buffy’s dead, Buffy’s dead, Buffy’s dead, Buffy’s dead …’ it was a mantra running in her head. It had started the minute Buffy had jumped from the tower and it had never really stopped. Not throughout the time in the hospital, where she adamantly refused the anesthesia even though her wounds required stitches. She had wanted it to stop then and thought that the pain would replace it, but it had not worked. It still hadn’t stopped on the way home and not even when she slept. The phrase had continued to echo inside her head and she realized that she didn't want it to stop. But it had stopped when Willow had done the sleep spell on her. She had fallen into a dreamless slumber that she had despised; not because it had given her a reprieve but because it had allowed her to forget the one thing that she had realized would always be part of her. It had been her fault that Buffy was dead and she was alive. It was something that she had to remember as it was her penance, and she had got off easy.



She could hear Giles puttering about outside and knew he was working up the courage to come in. It was like a ritual now. Giles would loiter outside her door, clear his throat and wait for permission to enter. She almost didn’t recognize him the first time he had entered. He seemed like he had aged a lifetime in the short span of days since Buffy died. Dawn had wanted to cry then. To throw herself at him and give voice to her grief. But he had looked so frail and lost that it took her breath away and she stayed silent as he placed a tray of food on her side table. He had pleaded with her to eat something and he had nearly invoked Buffy’s name in his plea. She looked at him then, but could not catch his gaze, as he quickly made an excuse and left the room so that she wouldn’t see his tears. They hadn’t spoken since but he would still bring up her meals.



Dawn sat on her bed and watched as Giles once again shuffled in carrying a tray of food that he knew would be left untouched. But instead of leaving silently, he slowly sat at the edge of her bed. She sat up then, more in surprise than anything else.



“Dawn, it would be best if you ate something. Willow…Willow is on her way back and Angel’s coming with her. We’ll need to make some decisions soon. ” He looked at her then, or rather he looked through her.



Dawn just nodded; she understood what decisions needed to be made. She had helped Buffy make some of them when her mom had died and now it was up to her to make them for Buffy. Because Buffy was dead.





Giles knew that Dawn needed comfort and looking after but he could not bring himself to offer anything. He was glad that he could smell Spike's cigarettes wafting through Dawn's open window. He had been apprehensive when Willow had first suggested asking Spike to hang around but could not muster any argument to the contrary. He just felt so tired. Barely able to bring himself to look at Dawn, he knew that she probably thought that he despised her and wished that Buffy was alive instead. But that was not the case at all.





Giles couldn't look at Dawn because she reminded him of his Slayer's nobility and his own weaknesses. He had been so prepared to kill Dawn to save the world. He had felt so righteous in his decision. Then, Buffy had sacrificed her life instead. He had thought that he was doing everything for the greater good. That, despite Buffy's compassion, it was necessary to kill Ben. He was frightened that if he truly looked at Dawn, she would actually see him and realize what he was. What he had been contemplating and what he had done. He couldn't look at Dawn because deep down, he knew that he would see Buffy looking back at him. So instead of comfort, he brought her food and allowed Spike to look over her. It was for the best. He had failed in all aspects and did not need to taint Dawn's life further.





He knew he had other duties to perform but they seemed so inconsequential when compared to what Buffy had been. For a Watcher, a Slayer's death heralded many things. Preparations needed to be made for the next Chosen One and reports had to be filed. But he wasn't just a Watcher and Buffy hadn't been just a Slayer. It was an utter abhorrence to him that the Council had expected him to distil Buffy's life into a report so he had not sent one, nor had he informed them of her death. They didn't deserve her sacrifice and neither did he.





Making his way out of Dawn's room, he couldn't help noticing that the doors to Joyce's and Buffy's rooms were also shut. He knew that he should prepare their rooms to house the new arrivals that would accompany Willow back so he steeled himself to the task that would occupy him for the next hour until he had to collect Dawn's tray of untouched food.



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It was Thomas Wolfe who had written 'You can never go home again' and Angel had taken that to heart except when it came to Sunnydale. He had dreamed of the drive back on so many occasions that it was as if he had been driving it all his life. Home to him would always be Sunnydale and Buffy. He had planned his drive back, had decided that when he reached Shanshu, he would make the drive in daylight. The physical distance between them would melt away and once again, he would be home with Buffy. This was the dream that had inundated him since Wesley had given him hope of a life and now, it would always be a dream; for Buffy was dead. He could see the house up the road and, inadvertently, slowed down. Maybe if he didn't pull up into the driveway, it would somehow accord him more time to accept the news Willow had brought. But he knew that there was no expanse of time that could ever erase the pain. Like his soul, it would be a permanent and uneasy fit in his life forever.

As he pulled into the driveway, he could see Dawn emerge from the house with Spike in tow. She looked nothing like her sister but yet, there was a core similarity in all the Summers women. Angel tried to block that similarity out as Dawn hugged him when he stepped out of the car.





Tara's heart was aching not due to any physical malaise that she was experiencing but due to the strong emotions of the people she had met in LA and were about to meet in Sunnydale. The young girl hugging Angel looked so broken and was screaming so loud that Tara almost covered her ears until she realized that no one else could hear it. The suffering here was so different from Pylea and Tara was unsure of what to expect. She had surprised herself when she decided to follow her new friends to Sunnydale and had made the joke about Tacos.



The car ride had been nothing like the return journey from Pylea. Angel and Gunn had taken turns driving and she had been sandwiched between Cordelia and Willow with Wesley sitting next to Cordelia. Initially, Wesley had tried to make conversation and dispel the gloom that had pervaded the group since Willow's arrival. However, that didn't last and Angel had switched on the radio instead. Despite the underlying fear that she still felt, the music coming from the radio fascinated her. She had forgotten what music had sounded like as music had not existed on Pylea. When she had first arrived and was captured, she had sung quietly to herself to drown out the screams of the other slaves as they were branded and sold. Even after she had escaped from her owner and hid out in the forest, she had still tried to recall songs to sing. It was the only way that she could erase the memory of her own screams. She would sing softly, pretending that someone was out there who was listening and trying to find their way to her. It was one of the things that had kept her alive.





But during the journey, she didn't know what was keeping Willow alive. The redhead beside her seemed even more frail than she had appeared yesterday. Cordelia had told Willow to try and get some sleep during the journey but Tara could sense that Willow still felt too raw and too brittle to let down her guard and sleep. So instead of listening to the voices in her head and drowning in her own growing fear, Tara started to sing softly. Beside her, she had felt Willow jerk slightly and then settle in again. The only sign that Angel had picked up on her singing was the fact that he switched off the radio and she only stopped singing when Willow had finally drifted off to sleep. She was happy that she had been able to grant Willow a small respite and had stayed awake for the rest of the ride watching over her new friend.



Reaching their destination had again placed Tara in the company of more strangers. The only similarity was that she could feel their pain as strongly as she did Cordelia's or Angel's. She had tried to blend into the background when the introductions were made but despite their current loss, Giles, Dawn, Xander and Anya had welcomed her and made an effort to remember her name as she did theirs.

What amazed her further was the fact that they had not questioned her presence and had immediately made room for her in the already overcrowded house. She knew that they hadn't meant for her to feel or hear their pain but she did nonetheless. Her only oasis from the noise was when she could tune in only to Willow and so she tried to keep the redhead always in her line of sight. She had wanted to follow Angel and Willow when they had moved to the back of the house, but knew that they were going to discuss the funeral arrangements with Dawn and Giles. Wesley, Gunn and Xander had gone on patrol and by the looks of the weapons they were arming themselves with, she had decided that it would be best if she stayed with Anya and Cordelia in the house.



She had initially thought that with only Anya and Cordelia, she would be able to find some measure of quiet but Anya could not stop talking and had proceeded to spend the better part of two hours recounting the way Xander had proposed to her. At first, Anya had not wanted to make much conversation with them and was more interested in eavesdropping on the conversation that Willow was having with Giles and the rest. But a throwaway comment by Cordelia about the good fortune of being Xander's ex prompted her to list all of Xander's finer points culminating in the re-enactment of his heartfelt proposal to her. It was funny and sweet and even though Tara didn't know Anya or Xander, she could tell by Cordelia's reaction that despite the past history, they were good people and so she wished Anya good luck with all her heart before making her way up to the bedroom. She had not slept since coming through the portal and decided that if she were to be of help to anyone tomorrow, she needed to get some sleep.



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Despite the darkness, she knows that she is in a familiar place. Her surroundings are unimportant. She knows she is not alone. She feels surrounded by love, and more importantly, she is in love. She feels the emotions suffusing her entire body, so blissful she never wants it to end. She wants so much to open herself completely to this experience, to open her eyes and accept the person and life before her. But still her eyes remain shut and she is bathed in darkness. She remembers what happens next and flinches even before she feels the splatter of blood. It is inevitable. Willow forces herself to open her eyes then but it is too late, the feelings of love and happiness are replaced by fear and tears of grief. She is covered in blood, warm and red and starts to cry out when she realizes it is not her own.





'No, no, no…God please, no...' It is the echo of her plaintive cries in her sleep that finally jolts Willow awake. She tries to convince herself that it is just a dream; that despite the tears drying on her face, the vivid scene and intense feelings, the whole thing was just a dream. If she were being honest with herself, she is more afraid of the intense feelings than she is of the blood. She cannot comprehend loving so deeply and then enduring the utter desolation of loss. She would rather not go through the hurt. Life was too fleeting and love like that could not last; it is better to hide her heart and protect it. That is what she feels her dreams are about. Buffy had died and despite Angel's undying love for her, there would not be a happy ending. 'Yes', Willow thought, the dreams were just a manifestation of her grief and her subconscious reminding her of how fleeting love and life was, she prayed they were nothing more. So instead of going back to sleep, she will watch over Dawn who had thankfully not been woken up. The sun was going to rise and she needed to go over the preparations for Buffy's funeral the coming day.







Tara can see the sunlight streaming through the lace curtains and wonders where everybody is. The house is big and warm and as she wanders from room to room, she finds more family treasures. Handmade quilts that adorn the beds and trinkets collected from State Fairs and Carnivals are scattered throughout. It is a home and she wonders if she belongs. The next room she enters seems the most familiar. She sees old spell books with cracked bindings and various herbs and spices scattered around the table. Deep down, she recognizes that it is her room and she remembers that she knows Magic. Looking closer, she sees the picture on the wall. It is a family portrait. As she nears it, the faces of the people become clear and she recognizes the people from her dream. It is her family portrait. The ornate carving on the frame reads Maclay, 1997. She remembers her full name, she is Tara Maclay. But more importantly, she remembers the faces of her family. She greedily drinks in the sight of them, the austere but smiling face of her father and the sullen one of her brother, both with the same patrician nose. She notices her cousin's sweet smile and she wants to see her own face beside them. As she focuses on her image, she is shocked to see that now, it is her face that is obscured.





The picture is complete except for her visage. She tries not to be engulfed by the fear that is beginning to surround her but it initiates a familiar response and she surrenders herself to it. She is crying now as she wanders around the house, looking for who she is. She finds other family photographs but it is her face that is always hidden now. She frantically runs now from room to room. The house is not that big, yet each room seems different than before, the trinkets and keepsakes have been replaced by chains and cattle prods. The beds changed into cages. She rushes into the last room and sees that there is a mirror there. She is almost afraid to look but she needs to see who she is, so she stands in front of it. It is then that she finally lets the gnawing fear overwhelm her. For in her reflection, she thinks she has finally sees her true self and she sees a Demon looking back at her. The nightmare doesn't end there but instead speeds up, she sees her younger self on her trip to LA and a Demon jumping out of the portal that opened up in the Magic Shop there. She sees herself being sucked in. She doesn't want to relive the subsequent images but it is too late. Despite the swiftness of each image, she knows the experience are already been imprinted in her mind. And she relives the pain and fear. She wants to scream but realizes that she cannot bring attention to herself for there is a new nightmare now. She is harboring a Demon within her. Perhaps she did indeed belong in Pylea and Angel had made a mistake to bring her here. With that final acknowledgement, she finally weeps.







'No, no, no…God please, no...'





"Tara, Tara! C'mon. This is so not funny. You have to wake up." Cordelia was beginning to think that besides her visions, her other task in life was not to be a famous and rich actress but to keep waking Tara from her nightmares.



The urgentcy of Cordelia's pleas gave Tara enough impetus to yank herself from her nightmare memories. She was still crying and even in the dimness of the room, she could see concern etched on Cordelia's face.





"I…I h-had a bad dream." Tara softly replied as she willed her tears to stop flowing. She didn't want to alarm Cordelia and hoped that her new friend had not heard her last words.





"Yeah, I sort of got the bad dream part on account of you screaming and scaring the hell out of me. Which let me tell you is not that easy to do anymore." Cordelia could see Tara shrink back at her words and decided that perhaps Tara needed more comfort than just her stating the obvious. It was apparent that Tara was dreaming of Pylea. Perhaps what the frightened blonde needed was confirmation that despitr her past experiences, this was a new chance for her and she was safe.





"It's just a nightmare. We all have them but it doesn't mean it’s real. The first time I saw a Vampire, I was so scared that I didn't sleep for a week and it was horrible experience."



"B-b-because it attacked you?" Tara could not envision anything scaring Cordelia.



"No, because the Autumn Formal had been around the corner and I needed to look my best. It was horrible as I didn't have enough room in my purse for both a Garlic Spray and the cosmetics needed to hide the bags under my eyes." Cordelia was happy to hear Tara giggle at that. As the blonde seemed somewhat calmer, Cordelia continued.





"You're not in Pylea anymore, you never belonged there." Cordelia went on softly. "It was just a bad dream and you're safe now. You're among friends, even Anya. It's going to be a long day tomorrow and you should really try to rest. I'll remain awake until you drift off."







Tara wanted so much to believe in Cordelia's beautiful lies but deep down, she could still recall her nightmare and her reflection in the mirror. There was a Demon inside her and Pylea was truly her home. It explained why she still felt like she did not belong here as well as the kinship she had to Angel. The only thing that she still could not explain was her link to the other new person in her life; Willow who was brave and beautiful and sad. It is to this sliver of hope that she has been clinging to since first meeting Willow. It is what finally allowed her to let her guard down and fall asleep.





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Getting up in the morning had never really been difficult for Xander before. He always liked the promise of each new day and rejoiced at the fact that despite living on the Hellmouth, he was still alive. But the past few days had changed that and he didn't look forward to the morning anymore. It had changed because the one person, that had always ensured that he and his loved ones were alive, was now dead. All the days ahead would not be filled with promise anymore but with regret.



It would have been fitting if the day had started out with rain but Xander could feel the warm rays of the sun streaming through his bedroom window. Perhaps it was better that Buffy's funeral be held in the sunlight and not in the dark and the rain. It was apt that the Slayer be laid to rest in light as she had spent all her time protecting them from the evil that lurked in the dark. He had to be strong for Anya, Dawn and Willow. Buffy was gone and all they had left were each other. Looking over at Anya, he could see that she too was deep in thought. So he kissed her lightly on the cheek and proceeded to make breakfast. They had promised to meet Giles and the rest at the cemetery and he didn't want to be late.



Anya was glad to see Xander actually get out of bed but she knew it was only because today was Buffy's funeral. When she had first turned into a vengeance demon, one of her initial punishments meted out was to an innkeeper who had cheated on his wife. She had caused him to fall into the river in his village and he had drowned. It had taken all of five minutes and she had been so proud. But D'hoffryn had taken her aside then and told her that the innkeeper's death had been too swift, and that the suffering exacted had not been enough. Because of her talk with D'Hoffryn and in order to maximize their suffering, her victims from then on were never granted a swift death.





Buffy's death had taken less than minute. Anya remembered looking up from Xander's embrace and seeing Buffy jumping off the tower and eventually her body hitting the ground. As a vengeance demon, she had learned that death had to be slow. But as a human, she now understood that despite the swiftness of the death, the repercussions resulting from that one death could last forever. It wasn't how long one took to die but the outcome of the death. Buffy and Joyce were gone and their demise would forever affect all their lives. It had taken her a thousand years to learn that lesson and she wished with all her heart that Xander and the rest of the Scoobies had been given just as much time. But they had not and she had to be there for him and the rest. She loved him so very much and hoped that he would be able to work through his grief. With that as her final thought, she began to get herself ready for Buffy's farewell.







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The Magic Box had always been a place of comfort for Willow. Being surrounded by the arcane and the mystical had always acted like a balm. It made her feel like she could contribute to Buffy's fight. After Oz left, she had thrown herself into researching and harnessing powerful magics. Despite Giles' disapproval and words of caution, she had managed to become quite adept at Wicca. Her spells against Glory had not always worked but in the end, it had been enough to distract the Hellgod and enable Buffy to beat her into submission. Unfortunately, it had not been enough to take Doc out and stop him from opening Glory's portal. It always seemed to work out that way for her. She was good but never good enough. Oz had loved her but not enough to stay. Her parents were interested in her academic prowess but not enough to visit her in the dorms and her magical ability had developed but it wasn't good enough to save Buffy.





Tara could once again sense Willow's dark mood overtaking her. The ease in which she sensed it troubled her slightly but the fact that she did sense Willow's feelings more strongly than the rest and she was in a position where she could help, made her feel useful. She could see the redhead from the corner of her eye. She had been standing in front of the bookcase but was so mired in her thoughts that she didn't realize that she had been levitating one of the magic books for the past five minutes. Tara slowly made her way over and grabbed the book as it hovered closer and closer to Willow. It was entitled "Teleporting and Transposing Spells."





"Hmm, w-w-where was this, when I was stuck in Pylea?" Tara had meant it as a joke but Willow immediately looked mortified.



"I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"



"No, Willow, it's fine. I…I tried magic the first few weeks to open a portal. But they didn't work and I-" She didn't want to tell Willow about her capture, "They just didn't w-w-work." Despite not being able to open a portal, Tara had continued to practice small spells to help ease the pain of the beatings and get the work done faster. But she had done so because it was the only reminder that she had a life before Pylea. She had also realized that practicing magic there was different as it took more energy and the spells were not as strong. Sometimes, she would feel too tired or even sick after. She had still remembered the spells and ingredients but never actively sought to do the magic unless necessary.





"Did you always know magic?" Willow wasn't surprised that they had found another thing in common. It was as if ...but she immediately stopped that train of thought.



"I..I think so," Tara softly answered. "It's still kinda con-f-f..using. Sometimes I think t-t-th-his is a dream and I'm still in Pylea. Or that I'm a De-…" She suddenly realized what she had been about to say and stopped immediately. She could see Willow looking at her curiously and tried to cover up her almost slip. "S-sometimes, I think I may be d-dead and t-this is a dream." she finished. It wasn't a lie really. She still felt like she didn't belong and maybe the Demon inside her was slowly taking over. She could feel a shudder go through her frame as the thought crossed her mind.





Willow noticed the shudder as well and assumed that Tara felt cold so she took off her jacket and draped it around Tara. Her hand lingering on Tara's shoulder, she closed her eyes and breathed in. All at once, she felt everything coalescing into a scene that she never experienced but seemed so familiar nonetheless. She could actually sense Tara's heartbeat, beating in time with her own.





"Willow?"



She had been so attuned to Tara that she didn't hear Angel come in until he called her name. Gunn had dropped him in the back alley and he had used his coat to shield himself as he ran into the shop. He was surprised that both Willow and Tara had not heard him but they seemed to be lost in their own world. He felt like an intruder, but it was necessary. He had been out with Spike the night before getting blood supplies and had run into a few Demons that had escaped from Glory's portal. Between the two of them, they had managed to take out most of the Demons but he would need a spell to locate the rest of them. "Sorry, I…"



"Angel, no…it's ok. I didn't get much sleep last night and I'm feeling all kinds of wonky. And Tara saved me from a levitating book and ... Did you need help with something…A spell?" Willow knew she was babbling but she was feeling self-conscious. She had lost herself in that moment and by the looks of it, she had probably scared Tara as well. The blonde's head was dipped and her eyes downcast. It was just that she had felt something in that moment. A sense of peace that had eluded her and it was a feeling that she had not missed until she had experienced it just then. Shaking her head, she looked expectantly at Angel again.



"Yes, a spell… Are you sure you're alright? You seemed really flushed. Maybe you should get some rest. I just need a Demon locating spell done. . I could ask Wesley or Gi-"



"No, I'm fine, really. I'm your gal, well…I'm spell gal. I mean, I can do the spell for you," Willow was hoping that Angel just got on with it. She could feel Tara's growing unease and didn't want to make her feel anymore uncomfortable.



"The demons from the portal, they're underground. Spike and I need to know where. We'll make sure they don't disrupt Buffy's fu…the service." Despite his heart crying to the contrary, Angel had respected Giles’ wish to have the funeral in daylight. He had agreed wholeheartedly that in the daylight, there would be less of a chance of interruptions from vampires or demons. So if he could not be there, he wanted to use to time to ensure that no other demons would attend either.



"There is a spell that invokes the Goddess Thespia to help locate Demonic energy. I could try that…" Willow was unsure if it would work. The spell required a lot of energy and concentration, both of which she had in very short supply.



Tara was trying not to panic. Angel had asked for the one spell that could confirm all her fears and result in her isolation. At the same time, Willow had just suggested a powerful spell that should never be attempted by just one spell caster.



"I…I c-could help you. If Angel s-stays to make sure we're not disturbed," Tara's voice was barely audible and her hands were clenched at her side but she had said it. She knew that despite everything she might lose, the spell had to be done. And with Angel in the vicinity, she hoped it would mask her own demon. She could see the relief on Willow's face and Angel's agreement to her comment. It had been the right thing to do and she began to help Willow and Angel gather the ingredients from the surrounding shelves and set them up in the room at the back of the shop.



When it came time for the actual casting, Angel excused himself and closed the door. He could hear their soft voices calling upon Thespia and knew that soon, he would be able to lose himself in battle and perhaps forget just for a moment that Buffy was dead.





No candles had been lit and the map of Sunnydale was the only thing that was separating them as they sat facing each other. Tara could sense the energies in the room shift and refocus as Willow slowly poured out the mixture of sand into her palm. Even in the dark, she noticed that Willow had closed her eyes as they started reciting the spell. She felt their spoken entreaty alter into something more tangible, more powerful. It was then that the spell took on a life of its own. Willow had blown her ingredients onto the map and had touched Tara's hand to indicate that it was her turn. Instinctively, Tara held it and the physical contact made acted like a magnifying nexus for their collective power. The spell was soon transformed into something bigger. Light surrounded them and the spell ingredients did not settle on the map but instead formed a three dimensional image of Sunnydale. Bright pulses of yellow light indicated where Demons were. Willow could see a bright pulse in the Magic Box and individual ones scattered throughout the town as well as a multitude of them beneath the Sunnydale high ruins. That was where Angel had to go. She knew that Tara was still holding on to her hand and that something extraordinary had happened because of it.







Tara was quite fascinated by the map in front of her but the feeling of Willow's hand in hers superceded everything else. It was as if all her senses were attuned to Willow. She could feel the redhead's heartbeat, could hear her shallow breaths and could see the tendrils of color surrounding Willow, mingling with her own. This was something that she had never experienced. The intensity of emotions flowing through her and Willow's proximity was too overwhelming. She could not recognize the feelings inside. The closest emotion she could compare them to was the indebtedness she had felt towards Angel for saving her. But this was a thousand times stronger. She had to break contact or she would drown; so she let go of Willow's hand and allowed the darkness to fall over them once again.





Willow immediately felt an acute sense of loss when Tara had let her hand go. She had to quell her need to reach for it again, as there was no reason to. The spell had worked and she had the information for Angel. But Willow had sensed something in the short span of time that they had channeled the magic; her whole body had reacted to that one point of contact. She had felt a synergy that existed between them, flowing through them. It had allowed for the transformation of a spell into something even more magical. Willow had never felt that way before. She had never experience such euphoria coupled with the underlying certainty that all was right in the world, that she was connected to all worlds - spiritual, magical and yet still remained earthbound and at peace.





"That was amazing!" Willow uttered as she tried to capture Tara's gaze. Despite the dimness of the room, she could tell that Tara had been affected by what just happened as well. "I've never felt anything like that. I mean it wasn't just the magic. I felt connected to everything. You felt it too, right?" Willow couldn't keep the hopefulness from her tone.



Tara could only nod; she couldn't articulate what she had just felt. It was a new experience for her and from her meager knowledge, new experiences were not always good; Pylea certainly had not been. The little magic she had used there was for her survival and had made her tired and sick. But the outcome of doing the spell with Willow had been indescribable. It was as if they had transcended their physical existence and had touched each other’s souls. The tenuous connection that had been recognized during their first meeting in LA had just catalyzed into something more, something that Tara couldn’t label or describe. It frightened her because of its singualrity; yet it accorded her some measure of comfort that despite still feeling like an outsider, she had managed to find an anchor of sorts. But there were still so many unknowns, her past, her family... All these questions and variables were making her head spin. The only constant she could cling to was that Willow had experienced the same thing and had acknowledged it without regret or recrimination.





Willow wanted to say so many things. There were so many thoughts and ideas swirling around in her head. She wanted to ask if Tara had ever experienced anything like that. She wanted to see if they could do it again; perhaps it was their inherent magical abilities that accounted for their inexplicable bond. She knew that Tara was probably frightened and needed answers about her past and proof that she really belonged here and it wasn't all a dream. Willow knew that magic could help them. They seemed stronger together. The fact that the spell had been augmented to such an extent still astounded her.





"I have never been able to wield that kind of magic, ever. But what just happened, I mean that was some spell. You're kinda powerful, you know." The awe in Willow's voice was evident.



"N-no, I've never, I-I'm not…it's never been l-like that for me either. In P-P- Pylea, I always felt l-like there was a threshold I couldn't cross. I d-don't remember before that but…" To Tara, magic wasn't a tool or a necessity. It had been a beacon of hope for her. It was something that helped her remember that she was someone with a past and not just a slave with no future. The small spells she had done and the ones that she had remembered reminded her that she wasn't from Pylea. The power she had wielded when doing the spell with Willow had come from somewhere inside of her. She just hoped that the source of it was not a bad thing and that she didn't belong in Pylea because of it.



"I know, I mean I've done a couple of teleportation and transfiguration spells and I thought that I was you know all adept and big with the magic but there was always a limit. But not with you…I mean I don't feel all limity. You make me feel…" Willow wasn't sure how to finish her sentence. It wasn't that she didn't have the words, because she did; in fact she had a whole thesaurus of words she could have used. Words like special, extraordinary, and unique…. But she realized that saying any of those words after such a short time would probably scare Tara away. Willow also wasn't really ready to admit that she had come to that conclusion even before the spell. She didn't want to think about that because that would mean that her heart, which she had wanted to protect and had hidden away, was once again vulnerable. So she focused on other things, things she could control and change.





"I think I can help you find out more about your past. I mean there's this spell for finding stuff that you've lost and I think between us, we could change it so that it allows you to access the memories you've forgotten. It's just a theory and I'm not really sure that it's going to work on intangible things like memories. I mean wanting to find your keys is not on the same level as you know, wanting to remember your address but it should only require a slight tweaking to the incantation." Willow was too caught up with her new idea to notice Tara shaking her head.



Tara had hung on to every word that Willow had said. Willow was like her, she had power too and maybe the source of that power wasn't a bad thing. But she remembered her nightmare and if those were the memories that she had hidden away, then it would be best that Willow not find out. She couldn't afford to lose the one thing that made sense to her. She couldn't agree to the spell. "I-I can't."



"What?" Willow was about to go and gather more ingredients for the next spell and had nearly not heard Tara's negative response.



"I-I can't. I d-don't want to use magic to find out. I don't n-n-need to know. I don't want to know. I dream of it and it's e-e-enough. P-please." She hoped that Willow would understand. It wasn't that she didn't want to do a spell, she just couldn't do this one. If Willow found out about her past, it would change everything. Her nightmares were enough indication that there were things in her past that she needed to hide.





"Tara, I…It's ok. The spell would just let you remember your life here. It's not going to affect your present or your future. It won't send you back or anything. I'll be there with you, anchoring you. And it'll be just like astral projection only we'll be walking in your head and not the nether realm so it's all good."





"N-no, I'm sorry" and with that, Tara ran out of the room. She could see Angel's surprised face as she ran past him but she couldn't stay. Willow didn't understand at all. The things in her head were worse than anything she would have encountered in the nether realms. Her time in Pylea and the snatches of memories that had surfaced during her nightmares were proof enough. She would not subject Willow to any of her monsters or to her own Demon.





Willow wasn't sure what had gone wrong. She had wanted to help but instead had chased Tara away. Angel had not managed to stop her and was now looking to Willow for an explanation.



"Did something go wrong with the spell?" He had sensed Tara's fear as she ran past him but he had not been able to follow as it was still light out.





"I don't know. I mean no. The spell went fine, better than fine, the demons are currently camping under the ruins of Sunnydale High. What is it about Educational Institutions in Sunnydale that just scream out for evil and bad things to congregate beneath them? Huh? And…and…and you know what? I really wasn't pushing her into another spell. I just wanted to help and so what if doing magic made me feel my heart again. I didn't mean to scare her off. I just wanted to…help." Willow finished with a sigh. She could see Angel trying to decipher what she had just said.





"It's ok, it's just my stuff. You can go kill the Demons." Angel looked relieved to be let off the hook but he was still just standing there. She wanted to tell him it was ok but Tara's abrupt departure was worrying. The blonde was hiding something and needed help. An idea began to brew in her mind. If Tara didn't want to do the spell, it didn't preclude her from doing it. Perhaps she would be able to divine what was scaring the blonde so and help her through it all. Willow had always thought of magic as a tool. It had helped Buffy before her death and perhaps now it could help Tara. She didn't want to think of Buffy but she knew that with the funeral being held that day, perhaps she had to think of using magic to right that wrong as well. She had not been powerful enough to save Buffy then but with Tara's help, things could be so very different. Their recent spellcasting had proved that they were indeed matched in terms of ability and working together, they surpassed the sum of their individual powers.



Angel wasn't sure what had transpired between Willow and Tara but he felt responsible for both of them. Willow had been Buffy's best friend and had stood by her and Tara had saved him from himself. He didn't want to see either of them hurt or troubled.



"Willow, you've always helped people. But some things can't be changed overnight. You can't push someone into doing things that they don't want to do even if it's for their own good. I…I tried to push Buffy away . I seriously thought cutting her from my life was for the best but…Anyway, sometimes, you get a second chance." He could see that Willow didn't understand why he had said that but he had noticed Tara hovering outside the door and was about to come back in. He took that as his cue to leave. He had the information he needed and Spike had told him of the trapdoor in the basement that led to the sewers. He didn't have a second chance with Buffy but he could ensure that her funeral went off without a hitch.





"I-I didn't know where to go." Tara softly stated as she entered and looked at Willow. She had wanted to run away but she didn't have anywhere to run to. And she knew that Buffy's funeral was going to be held soon and that despite her disagreement with Willow, she wanted to be there in case the redhead needed her. Somehow, over the past two days, Willow's well being had become important to her and it overuled even her own fears.



Willow knew that the thing between them was still not defined and definitely not resolved but Angel had been right. Time was needed and the important thing was that Tara had come back. She would work out what was the best way to approach the situation and only then discuss her ideas and feelings with Tara.



"We can go to the cemetery. Giles and the rest should be there soon." Willow held out her hand and despite apprehension Tara took it in her own.

-----------------------------


You must think that something is happening with you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; It will not let you fall

And Death shall have no Dominion

[Puff]

Nice update and things are moving along nicely. I like how they both remember a few things, they just need to be brave and move forwards.

-----------------------
You know, it's a real deal relationship and that's why people can relate to it
Amber Benson

[Thanatopsis]

This is most excellent. I'm very intrigued by where you're going with this. I especially love all the little things that show that Willow and Tara are connected, will always be connected

.

-----------------
Too many of us live desert lives. ~Charles de Lint

[xita]

I really liked how Willow fears loving so much because it's not worth the pain of the loss that is predicted in her dreams. Yet there is Tara and she can't help but love. And Tara and her demon past, still haunting her. Though her dreams are not part of the reality that was created. She wasn't supposed to remember that. And the magic the wield, I almost think these two can do things Osiris never anticipated.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

"Oooh Xita!" - Amber Benson

[Dave V]

Very interesting update. I particularly like the way you write waht's going on inside our girls' heads. Their experiences have altered them, but they're still recognizable as Willow and Tara. Cool.

[MissQuirky]

I'm lovin this fic!! That was a great update, can't wait 4 more!!

"In my world there are people in chains and we can ride them like ponies" -Vamp Willow (Doppelgangland)

[Grimaldi]

great update, i liked how you described what everyone was thinking regarding Buffy's death. Tara singing Willow to sleep was sweet. hope Willow will listen to what Angel said and not do that spell without Tara's permission.

Dude, we're surrounded by perverts!

Cross my heart, smack me dead, stick a lobster on my head.

Watching TV shows doesn't create psychos...Canceling TV shows does

[The Next Tara Maclay]

Great fic. Continue quickly.

[Wolflord]

Whoooo hooooo!!!!!!!



Jomarch is back to writing fic. I just finished reading all 3 chapters and so far loving it. Now I think we have already established the no hurting my Willow concept. I think we know where that leads to Dark Mojo and don't make me send over those killer bunnies that Anya is always talking about cuz I found some.



Anywho, love the story so far and I am glad you are back to writing. Keep it up and looking forward to the next update.





_______________ WOLFLORD __________________

Sometimes I think of them doing spells and I have a spell by myself.

[jomarch]

*Puff* - yes, I do agree that they just need to be brave and move forward. But I think what's stopping Willow are the memories. So perhaps remembering them is what's hindering the blossoming relationship...



*Thanatopsis* - It's cool that you find this intriguing. I think the easiest bits to write for me is the stuff that connects Willow and Tara. I do write those parts much faster than the others.



*xita* - I was hoping that that dichotomy came through in the story. The Willow in the story has followed her mind in most cases but I guess when it comes to Tara, she will follow her heart.



*Dave V* - I have never shipped any TV couple before. I use to watch the X-files but I wasn't a shipper. However, the W&T dynamic is amazing and writing about their relationship outside the confines of the show is easy to extrapolate because they're such a cool couple. So hopefully they do come across as the W&T that we all love.



*MissQuirky* - Thank you . Yes, there should be more but you may have to wait a bit longer, sorry...



*Grimaldi* - Well, there will be more thoughts on Buffy's death in the next update as well. As for Willow listening to Angel, well you will find out in the next chapter.



* The Next Tara Maclay* - Thank you and I will try but don't you just hate it when real life actually expects you to actively participate in it!!! I have promised Tommo that I will send her the next 2 updates soon for betaing.



*Wolflord* - -Jomarch waves to wolflord- And yes, I do remember about your dark magicks and will keep that in mind when writing the next few chapters . I really do not want to meet any killer bunnies although I'm still pretty ok with all other types of bunnies.

[mollyig]

They've both endured such tragedies in their altered lives. The connection between them grows stronger, which gives us hope.



This is such a beautifully written story. Thanks.

Adding up the total of a love that's true, multiply life by the power of two
Indigo Girls

[jomarch]

*mollyig* - Their connection will definitely still get stronger. Thanks for reading and I do hope you like the next part as well.

[Loco2]

dammit, i've been really behind on the feedback for this fic, huh? it's cos i deleted my history and temp internet files, so i couldn't see which fics i had been reading....



anyhoo, more to the point, this is a great fic. and it is a real pleasure to read, it really is great. i believe i said it before, but i like the idea of a sort of au wherein they have different lives and backgrounds.



this fic is wonderful, and now the rudeness: please update, soon!



steph

"Dr. Becker, have you seen the skeleton?" "What do you think I am, a skeleton thief? You want to search me?!"
"Oh, bugger off, you brolly!" - Anya to Giles on his use of the english language
"We'll all be a lot happier without the constant whining....Mom, Buffy, Tara, Waah" - DMW to Dawn

[AutumnT]

Quote:

---

No, because the Autumn Formal had been around the corner and I needed to look my best.

---

It's always important to looks ones best for anything Autumn related.



On a more important note though just wanted you to know that I'm enjoying the story. It's interesting to see them find the connection in this alternate universe. And BONUS. No Fred.

Autumn

-----------

It grated, like something forced in where it doesn't belong.

[jomarch]

*Loco2* - I am also rather behind on feedback for a number of fics so I can relate. Thanks for taking the time to read and feedback and the next update is below. And I do agree that writing an AU story is pretty fun (well except for all the dark bits)



*AutumnT* - Initially it was The Spring Fling but then I thought that Autmn is really cooler and you definitely have to look your best . I am so glad you're enjoying this. Hope you like the update as well.



Spoiler Warning - It starts from Seeing Red and then completely veers off in all kinds of tangents. It covers both the Buffy and Angel universe.

Disclaimer - All characters, names and some dialogue etc belong to ME and Joss Whedon. However, due to improper usage and gross mishandling of characters and plot lines by aforementioned parties, it is with great pleasure that I (and all the other writers on the board) use them for the reading pleasure of kittens everywhere.

Rating - PG

Feedback - Yes, please. Here or you could e-mail me. I really do like reading all of the responses and knowing which parts were good (so I can write more of those) as well as which parts that are not so good.

Notes - Ok, firstly this chapter is un-beta'ed. I am really sad but I seem to have scared off poor Ruth (just kidding, she is still around and real life has to be attended to and it is more important than betaing). I am asking Jae to step in and hopefully she says yes or I'm screwed (not in the literal sense, actually that's not entirely…well ok, too much information). Anyway, some parts of this chapter may not be easy to accept but trust in Willow and Tara’s love and hopefully, trust me.



Title : I Dream of Thee



Chapter 3b



Spike couldn't understand why Angel had not fought harder to make Giles relent and hold Buffy's funeral at night. No one else of consequence, outside the Scoobies knew of the Slayer's death. It wasn't right that he could not be there. They had fought side by side and he loved her despite his vampire instincts; he truly loved her and she was dead. When he was first turned, he wanted so much to be like Angelus and succeeded in following his footsteps in terms of his savagery and lust for blood. In fact, some have said that he surpassed Angelus as he killed two slayers in his time. When he reverted to Angel, Spike vowed never to follow in his wake. But then came Buffy, a Slayer who fell in love with a Vampire. She loved Angel so much and it proved to be their downfall. But instead of fighting against the natural order of things, the bloody poof left. He could have stayed and fought by her side and tried to save her yet he had done none of those things.



He could hear Angel coming now, he had gone to Willow to obtain a spell to locate the rest of the Demons. Spike knew the both of them needed to work together to get this particular job done but his anger was overflowing. Anger at Angel for not helping sooner and anger at his own failure for not saving Buffy.



"Spike, I have the infor-" Angel did not expect the blow and the swiftness in which Spike had lashed out caused him to stumble back. He could see Spike standing over him, his arms raised and his fists clenched. It would have been so easy to let the demon take over then and let his rage run rampant. Despite his current souled predicament, he still housed a demon within and he could feel it trying to take over. But now was not the time and Spike was not the enemy. He wasn't surprised when Giles had mention that Spike had been in love with Buffy. He had never understood how anyone who met her, could not have fallen in love with her. More importantly, Spike had the one thing that he could never have. Spike had been there in the end. He fought next to her,tried to prevent her death and suffered now for it. For that, he would leash his own demon and accept the punch that Spike had thrown.



"The demons are camping out beneath the old high school. Now we can stay here and beat each other to a bloody pulp or we can ensure that the job that she would have finished, gets done. Either come with me or I'll go through you." Angel didn't want to fight Spike anymore than he wanted to acknowledge Buffy's death. But he needed to do this last thing for her; to ensure that her town remained safe as long as he was in it. If he needed to go through Spike to accomplish that, then that was what he would do.



"You should have never left her." Spike had not wanted to say that, he would have preferred to just continue hitting out. But seeing Angel sprawled on the floor did not ignite his bloodlust. Buffy truly loved his sire and he was always a poor substitute. He offered Angel his hand then. There was nothing left to say. Buffy loved Angel and he had left her. Spike fought next to her and she respected but did not love him back; Buffy was dead. The world would move on and for the Scoobies, they had their entire lifetime to regret her death. He would have eternity.



Angel did not have a response to Spike's words. He left Buffy because he thought it was for her own good. Now he would always wonder if the outcome could have been different had he stayed.





-------------------------------------------------------



Dawn never wanted so many things. She never wanted to be the key, she never wanted Joyce to die and she never wanted Buffy to either. But her life was never about what she didn't want but what others thought she needed. Buffy, thought she needed to live and for that, she gave up her life.

She knew that Giles had called her father after Buffy's death because he thought she needed better parental supervision. And now, everyone at Buffy's grave thought she needed to cry. They thought that crying would be cathartic and enable her to move on. But that was not what she wanted as she would never be able to move on. The fact that Buffy died would always be with her and crying would not stop the voice in her head. She would not cry, she vowed, she had to be strong and hold it in. It was not fair for her to be able to cry and feel better about the situation. She didn't realize that she had fallen to the ground until she felt the strong arms of Angel's new friend supporting her.



"Shhh, it's ok. I've g-g-got you. You can let it out." Tara wanted to stay in the back when she and Willow first arrived. She didn't want to intrude on something so personal. However, Willow held on to her hand so tightly and looked so lost that she had been reluctant to let go. So she stood between Dawn and Willow and the rest and shared in their grief. She could see Dawn struggling with her emotions; she felt the young girl bravely trying to hold back her tears. When Dawn fell to the ground, Tara immediately bent down and held her. Willow also moved forward and was about to perform the same spell she had done on Angel, but Tara caught her hand just before she touched Dawn. Now wasn't the time for magic. She could see Willow's confused expression, she thought that Dawn needed the quick release the spell would provide. But Tara could see Dawn and knew that the teenager just wanted someone to hold her while she cried. She wanted someone to tell her it was all right that she was still alive. Tara could see that most of the people there wanted the same thing.



Cordelia's sadness had coalesced into a resolve that made her want to hug everyone. She finally realized that despite the inherent differences of all the people gathered there, the one thing that united them was their link to Buffy and her quest to fight the darkness. And because Buffy was not able to continue her fight, it didn't mean that the contribution of the people there would not continue. So that was what she had done the moment she arrived with Wesley and Gunn. She hugged each and every one of the Scoobies and then proceeded to hold on to both Wesley's and Gunn's hands. They were family too and the day had been a good reminder of how important family was.



Xander always wanted to be different from his family of alcoholics and layabouts. Growing up, he spent so much time over at Willow's house and with her family that he still observed all the Jewish holidays. Then, meeting Buffy in high school made him realize that it didn't matter where he came from or who his parents were. He could still contribute and sometimes, he could be the hero and save the day and in turn be saved. That was what he planned to do with the fight against Glory. He wanted to fight side by side with Buffy, protect Anya and then go back and celebrate when the good guys won because that was the way it always worked out. But things turned out so very differently. Anya had nearly been killed and Buffy died and there would be no celebrations for a long time. He really felt the need for a drink just then and recognized that perhaps he wasn't that different from his family after all.



In the end, the funeral was a short affair. The priest had not known Buffy and during his eulogy, called her a girl and spoke of her untimely death like it was an unfortunate accident and how God had now granted her peace.



Giles wanted to rail at him then, to rend his holy garments and make him realize that Buffy had been special, her death was an abomination and how she deserved peace in life and not in death. But he held his tongue because it was too late. Nothing could have been said or done to make the situation better or more bearable. He watched as Tara slowly escorted Dawn to his car and knew that it was over but he was still reluctant to leave. Deep down he realized that he had been waiting for a sign; surely the Powers That Be would want to herald the passing of one of the Warriors of Light as it was a great tragedy and loss. But the sun was still shining and the earth still spun on its axis and life for almost every one else moved on. Buffy's death had allowed that to continue and no one with the exception of the people there knew of it. He understood then, that the world continuing on, his own heart beating and his sorrow ever-growing were the significant signs that Buffy was dead. The people out there would never know of her sacrifice but he had and would never forget it.



Willow couldn’t will her feet to move. She wanted to follow Giles and the rest back to the house. But that would entail leaving Buffy alone on her first day. Logically, she understood that what they had buried was just a vessel, a mass of organic matter that would decompose and return to the earth. She knew that Buffy, the real Buffy was not there anymore.



But she also remembered Buffy’s first day of school and how she befriended Willow, and despite Cordelia’s disapproval, Buffy spent the day with her and subsequently saved her life. She couldn’t leave Buffy today, she needed to wait until Angel and Spike showed up. It was the only thing left that she could do.



“Willow?” Cordelia could see that the redhead was lost in her own thoughts and didn't want to intrude but Willow had been standing over the grave and showed no signs of leaving. “It’s over. Xander’s waiting for you in the car. Please come with.” She reached out then but Willow moved away.



“I can’t. She…she wouldn’t want to be alone, not on her first…day. Everything’s…everything is not right.” Willow was shaking her head and walked around to the other side of the grave. She knew that Cordelia wanted to hug her again but that may have allowed her to release the torrent of guilt and sorrow she locked away inside of her and she could not do that; especially since they were miniscule compared to the other feelings of loss her dreams brought. She couldn't understand the depth of those feeling and didn't want to.



“I know. If I wasn’t here, I wouldn’t have believed she was gone too.” Cordelia softly replied as she indicated to Wesley and the rest to drive off. She would remain with Willow until Angel and Spike arrived.



“No, it’s not just this. I…I just feel so wrong too.” Willow blinked back the tears that formed. She would not cry.



“What do you mean? Is it the magic? Is the magic you’re wielding affecting you? Willow, you have to be caref- ”



“ No!, it's not that…I’ve…I've been dreaming only I don’t think they’re dreams because they seem so real. And I feel things too, emotions so strong and raw, it takes my breath away. But they can’t be memories, I’ve never felt that way before and I…I don't want to.”



“What way?” Cordelia moved next to Willow then. The redhead’s voice had dropped and despite the clement weather, she was shivering slightly.



“Like I’m blessed by love so strong, it transcends everything. The feeling imbues my soul and I’m at peace and it feels wonderful. Only it doesn’t last and when it’s gone, it makes me feel so much worse.” Willow knew what she was going to say next would prove beyond a doubt that she had truly failed Buffy in all ways. “It makes me feel a thousand times worse than what I felt when I knew Buffy was dead. How can I feel like that? What kind of friend does that make me?” Again, Willow's voice dropped; it was as if saying it any louder would only add credence to the statement she was making.



Cordelia's heart ached to see Willow holding on to her emotions so tightly that she was literally shaking, “Listen her Willow Rosenberg, you’re the type of friend who fought beside Buffy even before you found out about magic. You’re the type of friend who chose to stay in this hellspawn capital of the world, even after offers from every conceivable higher learning institute out there. I mean, there were offers from colleges you didn’t even apply to. Willow, you were Buffy’s best friend, that’s all that mattered to her."



Cordelia could see that Willow was still not convinced and was mulling something over in her busy brain and recognized the look. She had seen it countless of times during the Scooby meetings when they had been short of ideas and needed a good plan.



"I keep wondering if they’re trying to tell me something…I mean there has to be a reason for making me feel this way…"



"You mean like they’re visions?" The seer was putting things into her own perspective. She sent a prayer to the God of all things Good and Fashionable that Willow was not suffering from the same debilitating visions that were plaguing her.



"Maybe, they’re just nightmares. You’re obviously not getting enough sleep and have run yourself ragged these past few days. If I was back in High School, I’d make a catty comment about the way you look right about now. But what I’m trying to say that is that maybe they’re just nightmares and don’t mean anything. All these bad things that have happened I mean, I’d be surprised if the others aren’t having them as well. Even Tara’s been having terrible dreams, possibly not on account of Buffy’s death but more due to being stranded in her own Hellish Dimension. And normally I don’t use so many words to say something so simple but Willow, maybe they are just bad dreams."



It was truly amazing how much Cordelia had changed. Gone was the self-centered cheerleading, clique-worshipping girl and in her place stood an insightful and caring woman. "Thanks Cordy." Willow had reverted back to Cordelia’s High School moniker because it highlighted how some changes that occurred over the years were actually good ones. "I really hope you’re right, because it frightens me that there may be other things out there that can make me feel so much worse than Buffy’s death."



It was then that she processed the rest of Cordelia’s speech and the one thing that struck her was the fact that Tara was also experiencing bad dreams. It was like another connection between them. After the spell, she was sure that they had a connection but she could not fathom the depth of it. If both of them were being plagued by nightmares, surely that was another sign that they were somehow linked and so were their dreams.



"Tara’s dreaming as well? Are you sure?…Maybe we’re dreaming about the same things. I mean, I’ve had a nightmare every night ever since Buffy died." Willow looked expectantly at Cordelia, waiting for her to confirm what she already had guessed.



"Well, she did have a nightmare when she was sleeping, on the both nights that I was with her. But before you go Sigmund Freuding an explanation, that’s when people usually have dreams, you know, at night. And I really think Tara’s been dreaming about the bad things that happened in Pylea and not strong feelings of love."



Cordelia didn’t really want to shoot down any of Willow’s theories before she heard them but over the past few days, she had developed a certain protective streak when it came to Tara. It wasn’t because she thought the blonde was weak because despite her soft voice and stutter, anyone who could have survived for five years in Pylea was more than strong; she'd have to be downright Amazonian. Cordelia could see Tara’s gentle soul and it wasn’t because of her gift of visions but because once in a very long while you get to meet people that are inherently good and pure and Tara was such a person. Despite the horrors in Pylea, she reached out to Angel and subsequently to Willow when they were in pain or in need of guidance. It was a gesture of both beauty and bravery and signified that Tara was indeed special.



Willow could see the logic behind Cordelia’s explanation but now wasn't the time for logic, not when the evidence to the contrary was so strong. "But don’t you think that it’s the least bit strange that we’re both having nightmares."



"Willow, I know that you want to find proof as to why you seem to have a connection to Tara but this isn’t advanced Trig. You having a dream equal Tara having a dream does not equal the same dream; it’s not a mathematical theorem… Tara’s been through so much and color me amazed that she is not only functioning but helping out here. I don’t know, maybe you should talk to Wesley about it. He’s as big with the research as you are and two big brains ought to come up with something that may help. Just don't get all jumpy with the comclusions."



"I know, Cordy. It’s just that I wish none of this happened, to any of us. I wish that somewhere, Tara never went to Pylea and Buffy never died and we’re all together and happy." It was a nice fantasy and one she wished she had dreamt of. Willow knew that she should have also told Cordelia about the end of the dream, about the image of blood and feelings of desolation but she didn’t want to alarm her. Furthermore, Willow wasn’t sure if she was as strong as Tara. She didn’t know if she could handle knowing what could cause her to feel such fervent emotions and face the prospect of losing them. The final image of blood on her was an indication that despite knowing the cause of the feelings, the end would not be a good one.



Cordelia had wished for so many things in her lifetime. Growing up in Sunnydale the wishes would revolve around getting calls from all the guys she was crushing on, or for a higher limit on her credit card or for a miracle that allowed her to view the Spring Prada line a few months early. Later, the wishes were for turning back the time to when she had never seen a vampire or when her father still had money. In LA, her wishes became more selfless. She wished that she could have known Doyle better and that he didn’t die so soon. But, the one thread connecting all those disparate wishes was that none of them came true. She wanted to tell Willow that she was wishing the same thing but that would entail also admitting that her wishes never came to fruition. So, she kept silent and just waited for the arrival of Spike and Angel. She could see Willow was again deep in thought and wished that the redhead was not once again mired by dark thoughts; but that wish was probably not going to come true either.



------------------------------------------



The one similarity that Anya the human shared with Anyanka the demon was that she never censored her thoughts, she spoke her mind regardless of the circumstance. It was a trait that had served her well as a demon, but in human form, it was not always appreciated. Anya could remember each and every look and exasperated sigh she elicited from all the Scoobies each time she mentioned anything they considered untoward or not acceptable. So, she learnt to adapt over the past few years and though she still had the same kind of thoughts, she never expressed all of them. But that didn’t apply to Spike. He was just as straightforward and rude as he ever was, if not more so and Anya could say whatever she liked to him. However, even Anya could tell that he had not fared well since Buffy’s death. She knew that both Spike and Angel kept vigil over Buffy’s grave the night before. Angel came back to the house before sunrise but Spike had not. Instead, Spike had gone down to the construction site, retrieved the Buffybot and brought it to the Magic Box via the sewer tunnels. Currently he was waiting for Willow to arrive so that they could discuss his plan; a plan that she was most curious about and wasn’t above being her usual blunt self.



“She’s not going to do it, you know.” Anya was not going to open the shop today but she decided to come in as she couldn’t deal with Xander’s lack of everything. He had started drinking after the funeral and only stopped when he finished the bottle and was too inert to go and buy another. He was still asleep and Anya didn’t want to be there when he woke up. His heartfelt proposal was still ringing in her head and it was just too soon for those words to be replaced by his alcohol soaked grief. So, here she was, trying to engage Spike in a conversation.



“Do what? What do you think I’m going to ask her to do?” He didn’t really want to discuss anything with Anya. Truth be told, what he wanted was for a second chance, a chance to go back to that night and be that much faster or that much stronger. Deep down in his unbeating heart, Spike knew that if he could do it all over, he would have been able to save her. Perhaps now he’d do it in his dreams but in the meantime, his duty was to ensure the safety of the rest of her friends. Buffy only asked him to look after Dawn but that was before. If she knew she was not coming back, he was sure that she would have asked him to look out for Willow, Giles and the rest. Even though she didn’t, he was still going to try and to do that, he needed the Buffybot.



‘You’re going to ask Willow to fix the Buffybot, but she’s going to say no. They’re not going to want a reminder of what they’ve all lost. It’s amazing how naïve you really are, but then you’ve only been alive for what? A hundred and twenty years or so? Try a thousand years, mister and you’ll still find understanding this bunch of people tough.’ Anya was projecting and she knew it. Even after fighting side by side with Xander and the rest, she sometimes still felt like an outsider. Not as much as Spike, but the feeling was there. Maybe it was due to her demon background but overall she realized that it probably had more to do with not being one of the founding members of the slayerettes. Still, that didn’t make losing Buffy hurt any less for her or Spike and damn Xander for making it seem so.

“She’s dead, Spike and the robot can’t replace her in our lives”



“Fucking hell, Anya. I know she’s dead. I was there. And I know not a goddamn thing can replace her in my heart but this is…This is different. We’re going to be under siege as soon as word gets out and the demons we took out yesterday have already spread the word. Sunnydale is wide open and the slayer is gone.” Spike wasn’t sure why he was explaining it to Anya but if he wanted his plan to work, he needed all their support so he admitted to the one thing he knew would sway her. “I will always want her, always. This robot, I know it’s not her and I don’t want it to be. I just want to be able to look after Little Bit and the rest when the badness comes. And this is my back-up”



Anya didn’t know how to respond to Spike. He was proposing something that not only made sense but did not have any benefit for him. She always had a ranking list of Scooby member importance in her head, she started it soon after she came back to Sunnydale to find Xander. Buffy wasn’t ranked in the list as she was the slayer but she’d rank the other members. It was one of the things that she knew she shouldn’t bring up but she still thought about it. Giles was first because he was the oldest, probably the wisest and more importantly, he was her boss. The second most important member was Willow on account of her wicca prowess and the fact that she was Anya’s best customer, when she paid for her supplies. Next, was Xander and her, of course. They were counted together as she always figured that they were stronger that way and soon they were going to make it official. Second last would be Dawn, not because she contributed in any way. She never really fought and was almost the reason that the world nearly ended but she was the Slayer’s ball of energy kid sister and therefore had to be ranked. Last in the list was Spike. Initially, Anya didn’t even rank him but after he accompanied them on their aborted 'hide and not seek' caper from Glory, she grudgingly decided to include him in. The point of it was that now, he had jumped up in rankings. Due to his new plan and insight, he was probably as important as Willow, if not more so. This was distressing to Anya as she was now second last in the rankings and the only thing standing in her way from being least important Scooby was a ball of energy that was going to hit puberty soon and probably developed powers of some kind. It was not an acceptable scenario. She was getting a migraine just thinking of it. It was actually affecting her poor concussed head that she didn’t even notice that Willow and Angel’s new friend enter the shop.



“Anya?” Willow had not slept the whole night but even she could see something was up with Anya.



After Angel and Spike showed up the night before, she took Cordelia’s advice and accompanied the seer back to Buffy’s house to rest. But that was the operative word, she didn’t sleep, she just rested. She knew that if she dreamt again, the emotions that would assail her senses would bee too much to bear for that night. She didn’t want to think about Tara either, for every time she thought of the blonde, her heart would beat that much faster or she’d feel the flutter in the pit of her stomach. Willow wasn’t sure when the feelings started, maybe she'd felt them the first time she saw Tara. But admitting any of it would be admitting that she was feeling her heart and the feeling were directed towards a shy young woman whom Willow would not have met if Buffy hadn’t died. She didn’t want to think of anything so she laid awake doing logarithm calculations instead, until the sun came up. About six in the morning, she crept downstairs intending to make breakfast and was surprised to find Tara in the kitchen. The blonde was as startled to see her and almost dropped the pan she was holding. Apparently, another dream of Tara’s during her time in Pylea was to make pancakes. She forgot how to make them and had been in the kitchen for most of the night trying to remember. Tara got as far as remembering the pan but still hadn’t worked out the ingredients of the batter and Willow was glad to assist her with that. For about the next two hours, they were lost in the simple and happy task of making pancakes of every conceivable shape, size and filling. During the entire too short period, Willow didn’t think about death or guilt and Tara didn’t once flash back to her time on Pylea. And it was too good to last, as the mood was broken when the phone rang and Spike asked Willow to meet him at the Magic Box. Which was why she and Tara were there currently.



“Anya, are you ok?” This time, Willow made sure she gave the ex-demon a visual stimuli as she waved hands in front her face. She was rewarded when Anya gave her the patented exasperated look she always gave Xander when he forgot one of the many anniversaries she kept track of.



“Huh…yeah, I’m ok. I was just…well, I just think that Xander and I contribute plenty to the gang and there’s no doubt about it. I mean without my demon background and amazing commerce skills you would be lost, I tell you! L-O-S-T.” Despite Xander’s current inertia, she was going to ensure that they didn’t fall behind in the ranking.



“Um, ok. Tara and I were just here to see Spike. You remember Tara, right? She’s the one who doesn’t know of our idiosyncrasies and weird greeting techniques currently so please don’t scare off the new people. Ok?” But Anya was already walking towards the backroom and ignored Willow’s gentle barb.



Tara didn’t mind the weirdness all that much. Being stranded in a Demon dimension left her starving for any kind of human interaction. She knew that her bond with Willow was special and tried not to think too much about it. It was already consuming most of her waking moments. Last night, she didn’t sleep and replayed the spell over again in her head. She remembered everything; how Willow looked and sounded as well as the impassioned emotions that coursed through her body. It got to the point that she almost wanted to seek Willow out to ask her if she was also thinking the same thoughts but it took all of her willpower to not enter Dawn’s room and instead go downstairs and try and remember how to make pancakes. She wasn’t hungry but it helped to keep her mind from drifting to thoughts of Willow. It worked until Willow came down the stairs, rubbing her eyes and still looking lost. Tara nearly dropped the pan she was holding because she thought that despite her not wanting to disturb the redhead, Willow heard her need and came downstairs. She didn’t think too much about the why and had just enjoyed Willow’s company until it was disrupted by Spike’s call. She was surprised that Willow asked her to come with but again didn’t question why.



Spike was surprised to see Tara. He noticed her when Angel and his crew arrived the day before but didn’t catch her name until Willow mentioned it. It looked like Red made herself a new friend. For a while, he thought that despite Willow’s bravura performance, she was hurting the most and the one most in need of help. He knew that she took Buffy’s death personally and felt responsible for not wielding enough magic. But he didn’t say anything as he was hurting as well and deep down he was frightened that he did blame her and Giles and Dawn and the rest for Buffy’s death. He knew the blame was also on his head and therefore stayed silent. But it seemed that currently Willow had found a balance. She still looked tired and he could see the guilt reflected in her gait but next to the blonde, she looked less brittle and more whole.



“I need you to fix the Buffybot”. There was no need for pleasantries, he needed the job done and quickly.



“I…erm…but…um…why?” Willow was still trying to decipher Anya’s weird outburst while keeping track of Tara’s presence and couldn't process Spike's words fast enough. She was too tired to totally multitask three different things.



If Spike didn’t know better, he would have guessed that the Witch was giddy about something, but Buffy was dead and there would not be any giddyness or happiness for some time. “ You need to fix the Buffybot” he enunciated slowly while pointing to the robot parts on the table. “ I am going to need some help to fight all the big bad things that will come out of the woodwork when word spreads that the slayer is dead .” Again drawing out and emphasizing each word slowly.



Willow was not amused. Spike was talking to her like she was five years old. Granted, her first response to him wasn’t exactly Harvard essay material but she had been accepted into Harvard and Yale and all the other Ivy League Colleges. “I know that! Ok, I didn’t know . But I understand you. You don’t have to talk like that…There should not be any boldness with the talking!”



Tara wasn’t sure that smiling was an appropriate response at this particular time but she couldn’t help it. It was such an unfamiliar thing to do that initially she had to touch her lips because she couldn’t picture what it looked like in her head. Willow’s pout and response to Spike's words and actions was just too cute and it made her remember how to smile.



Willow really wanted to pay attention to Spike because she didn’t want him making fun of her anymore but again she was distracted. This time, by Tara’s smile; it was absolutely positively beautiful to see. In fact, it was more than beautiful; It was stunning not because of its symmetry or because it resembled those smiles in commercials, but because it was lopsided and real and it made Willow feel special. Logically, she knew that the smile was not directed solely at her but to hell with logic. Tara was smiling and it made her feel good.



“Er, um…yes, right, fix the Buffybot.” At least she possessed enough will power to get her legs to move in the direction of Spike and the table. She was holding on to the head of the Buffybot but her line of sight was still solely directed towards the Tara-smile. Because of this, she didn’t notice the oil from the hydraulics spilling out and staining her pristine white shirt.



Tara was still smiling and she knew Willow noticed it. Just looking at the redhead and have her look back was nice. But she also noticed that Willow’s shirt was currently soaking up quite a bit of fluid and she didn’t know if it was corrosive or not so she alerted Willow to the fact. Her choice of words could have been different and if they had been, the next few minutes would not have occurred and Osiris would have lost a bet. But, all this was not known to Tara and so she uttered two words.



“Your shirt!”



Willow couldn’t comprehend the sudden change that overcame her. She remembered Tara’s smile, beatific and beautiful and then she heard the words. It was as if her entire consciousness was split in two. Her vision blurred and she was convinced that she had slipped into a wrinkle in time. Somehow, a part of her was not in the Magic Box anymore but somewhere familiar and frightening at the same time.



-------------------------------------------------



She knows Tara is before her as she hears her say those words, but instead of concentrating on what is before her, she looks down. Willow knows what she’s going to see even before the image registers in her mind. It is as familiar as it is disturbing and it chills her to her bones. She wants to wrap her hands around her shivering frame but she doesn’t because it would smear the blood; The blood that is congealing on her shirt and the warm droplets on her upper arms. She can feel her scream building up from the depths of her soul; a manifestation of grief and fear and the remembrance of being desolately alone. But in the background, she hears another voice, one that does not belong in the scenario of her dreams but is more contemporary. It is a plaintive cry of words repeated, echoing not within but without.



“No, please, nooooo! It h-h-hurts. Please no…I'm sorry…no, it h-h-hurts…”



Despite the upsetting tone of the cry, Willow uses it to guide her back from her own nightmare. It’s like a beacon and she knows that Tara is the source of it. Though she still feels the blood on her face and hands, she sees the shelves of the Magic Box in the background and Tara curled up in a ball, on the floor; Her hands clawing at her neck as she tries to remove an imaginary collar. Willow can see Tara’s nails scraping her delicate skin and drawing blood. She fully understands now that the nightmare image plaguing her is linked to Tara’s own nightmares. She can’t see the blood but can feel it still and that feeling is making Tara hurt herself. It is too much and Willow screams.

-----------------------------------------------------





Spike never felt like a voyeur before. Yes, he would skulk outside Buffy’s house and on occasion spied on her with Riley but that could always be explained away on account that he was not intruding but looking out for Buffy’s best interest. But in the Magic Box with Willow and Tara, he felt like a voyeur. The initial look that the two women had shared seemed so personal that he felt compelled to leave. It was a look that he remembered giving Buffy, but one he never received in return. Then all hell seemed to break lose. Blondie said something and both of them reacted as if in their own self-created Hell. Willow’s face was contorted into a look of abject terror and incomprehension and Tara had fallen to the floor crying and clawing at her neck. When Willow started screaming, he grabbed her and slapped her hard. I was the only way he could think of to jolt her back and was rewarded when he saw the redhead’s eyes once again focus back on him.



“Spike?” Willow's voice was raw but still recognizable and she felt the sting of Spike’s cold hand as it struck her cheek. She saw him nod and immediately wrenched herself from his grasp as she remembered Tara and the blood. She saw the blonde had curled herself into the corner between the bookcase and the stairs and immediately went to her.



“Tara? It’s ok, it’s over now.” Willow wasn’t really sure if it was truly over but she needed to believe in something. She noticed the tracks of tears drying on Tara’s cheeks and the trail of blood seeping from the scratches where Tara's blunt nails broke the skin. All she wanted to do now was to take Tara in her arms, so she did.





Spike could always tell when to make his exit and he planned to do just that. He didn’t accomplished what he set out to do, as the furthest thing from Willow’s mind was the repair of the Buffybot, but Willow wasn’t the only Einstein in Sunnydale. It was obvious that she was occupied both mentally and physically with the blonde in her arms. He would never have guessed that she’d be so open to new experiences but it was always the quiet ones that surprised him. He could still hear their soft weeping as he made his way to the sewer entry. If time was on his side, he was sure that there was an interesting story to be heard from the both of them. But he needed to get the robot fixed and so he left them sheltered in each other’s embrace.



--------------------------------------------------------------





It would have been a great surprise to anyone that Wesley didn't regret his time spent in Sunnydale. Despite the fact that he was never really accepted into the Scooby gang and that he was more often than not, ridiculed, he learnt so much from the people he met there. He learnt honor from Giles and duty from Buffy; not duty to the archaic Council and their rules but duty to protecting the greater good. From Willow and Xander, he learnt bravery. They were mere children when they started helping the Slayer and though they witnessed the worst things the Hellmouth could offer, they stayed and continued the fight. It was these memories that he revisited and remembered when he became the de-facto leader of Angel investigations. Wesley realized that he would always be indebted to Buffy and her friends for they taught him lessons that the Council never did. Lessons that lead him to join forces with Angel and actually helped him prove his self-worth despite his father's constant disapproval.



So when Willow asked to speak to him privately regarding a spell, he was more than willing to listen and offer his expertise. He never expected anyone of the original Scooby gang to even acknowledge his existence when he turned up with Angel and the rest. Even though he later understood the importance of his time in Sunnydale, he knew that in their eyes, his presence not only caused discord but also resulted in Faith joining the Mayor. But now, he was given a change to make amends.



"I don't understand. Are you actually saying that the link that you say, you share with Tara is overflowing into her dreams? That somehow, every time you have a particular dream, Tara has a nightmare of her own?" Wesley needed to understand the entire picture. The scenario that Willow related to him seemed so far-fetched. He did notice the initial bond that the two women developed in the short period of time after they met. But he ascribed that to the fact that both Willow and Tara shared certain strong similarities of character. They were both magically inclined, they both were, caring and shy people. It was obvious that they would gravitate towards each other. Perhaps not at such an accelerated pace, but it was conceivable. But what Willow was proposing was a bond so strong, it not only transcended time and space dimensions but also the physical and nether world. It was bordering on the fantastical but this was the Hellmouth and he dealt with the weird and far-fetched on a daily basis in LA. So he just wanted more clarification.





Willow wasn't sure if going to Wesley was such a good idea after all. Cordelia spoke as if he had changed so much from the stuffed shirt-limped wrist- Council drone-Wesley she remembered from High School. And when she was in LA, his genuine grief and solicitous attitude was unexpected and much appreciated. But she didn’t really have a choice, as the only other person she could have talked to was Giles and that wouldn’t have been a good idea for a number of reasons. The two foremost ones were that firstly, he was still in mourning and secondly, he never fully approved of any of Willow’s spells or her use of magic in general. Regardless of whether the spells saved lives, Giles never gave praise and instead questioned the need for magic in the first place. Currently, Wesley was her only sounding board and she hoped he was was truly a different person from the one she remembered.

“ Yes! But that’s not the only link. We summoned the Goddess Thespia for Ang-"



“Good Lord, Willow, attempting a spell of that complexity without the proper synergy…”



“But that’s just it, Wesley. The spell didn’t just succeed. Somehow, channeling magic together boosted it. Together, our magic becomes amplified.” Willow didn’t know how else to explain it.



“But, I still don’t understand what you want to do about it. If…If what you’re saying is true then it’s imperative we know more about your connection before we attempt anything. I’m afraid that would mean analyzing both of your dreams more thoroughly and...”



“No!”



Wesley almost flinched at Willow’s strident tone and he knew that it wasn’t one that she used often but when she did, it brooked no argument.



“I need to stop these dreams for both of us. I was thinking of using Lethe’s Bramble but it’s not a spell that I can perform on myself. I would need someone else to do it for me. I think, if I stop my nightmare, I won’t be able to trigger any of Tara’s.” Willow’s voice broke when she said Tara’s name. Apart from the image of her own body covered in blood, the other image that was now haunting her was that of Tara curled up on the floor pleading for the pain to stop. She was the cause of Tara’s constant reminder of her time on Pylea and the pain she suffered there. What was even worse was that during the most recent nightmare, Tara also managed to hurt herself.



Wesley knew of the spell Willow was talking about. It wasn’t a difficult one and required the caster to be specific in asking for a specific memory to be erased. “Willow, erasing a dream from someone’s memory is not that simple. I would need specifics in order to properly cast the spell. You would need to tell me every thing about the dream. And that would mean knowing more about it.”



It was the lady or the tiger scenario, Willow couldn’t cast a spell to forget her dream unless she remembered it in its entirety but in order to do that, she would have to dream again. That would lead to Tara also experiencing a nightmare and the thought of the blonde further hurting herself was something that Willow would never accept. “There’s got to be another way…Unless…”



“Unless?” Even in High School, Wesley never underestimated Willow’s deductive reasoning. He would have never admitted it then she was probably the smartest person he had met.



“Well, if my nightmares are linked to Tara, then we may be able to assume that if we stop her nightmares, mine would stop as well. I mean, I don’t have to do a spell on me. I can just do a charm spell. If we invoke Morpheus and Ikelos, we write an incantation to stop nightmares. It should be strong enough to ward of dreams of one’s past. We know that, that's what Tara is dreaming of, her past. My dreams may be of something I have never experienced but not hers”



“But, Willow, you can’t just do a spell on Tara. It's…It’s not right” Wesley was sure that Willow’s intentions were good and that it was probably best for Tara to not have bad dreams about her tortured past. But doing a spell on someone without their knowledge was not right.



“ I know that. But this wouldn’t be a spell per se. It…it would just be a warding charm. I mean it’s like carrying a rabbit’s foot around for luck.” Willow knew that she wouldn’t be able to broach the subject with Tara and ask permission anytime soon. After the episode in the Magic Box, they went back to the house but the easy camaraderie they shared that morning was gone; And it was replaced by uncomfortable silence. Willow could still feel that Tara was hurting inside from the nightmare memories she experienced and with the most recent manisfestation, she was hurting on the outside as well. Once again, the helpless feeling settled over her. She didn’t succeed in helping Buffy and now had failed Tara.



“Wesley was still not convinced. “I understand you not wanting Tara to suffer but sometimes, the easiest solution is not the best. Spells are not always the answer.” Wesley didn't know it then but he was echoing Giles.



“This isn’t a cop out, Wesley. Tara can’t heal if she is reminded of her past every time I go to sleep. It’s not fair to her. I know you think I am doing this because I don’t want to face my own nightmare. But you have to believe me when I tell you that seeing her hurt because of me is just as disturbing. I can’t live with that. Not if I have the power to stop it.” Willow understood what she had to do. If Wesley wasn’t convinced, then it wasn’t for lack of trying on her part. She knew the charm she needed and the spell to use and she was going to do it as soon as possible. She wouldn’t be able to survive another episode of seeing Tara hurt herself.



Wesley could see that Willow had made up her mind and shrugged "At least talk to Tara first. I know I can't convince you that a spell is not the only solution but if you care about Tara then you should care about what she thinks of all of this as well." He could see Willow nod at his words but he really wasn't sure if she was agreeing with him or her own decision.



----------------------------------------------



Tara didn’t know why she liked the back garden of the Summers House. There weren’t many flowers planted but in the afternoon light, it seemed peaceful and slightly magical. She was feeling so tired but since her terrifying nightmare in the Magic Box yesterday morning, she purposely kept herself awake and her mind concentrated on mundane things. She couldn’t explain what had brought on the nightmare but in the end, all she needed to remember was that Willow brought her back. One minute she was smiling at Willow and the next she found herself back in Pylea, collared and beaten. She didn’t remember how long it lasted but in the end, she was drawn out of her vision by Willow’s voice and touch. She grabbed on to Willow with all her might then and didn’t let go until she noticed Anya helping with her wounds. Despite the argument she had with Willow, the redhead still helped calm her down. Tara felt indebted, but she remembered not even having thanked Willow when they walked back to the house. She knew it was because she felt ashamed of her past in Pylea and the possibility that she deserved it because she was a harboring a Demon inside.



“Tara?” Willow was fingering the friendship bracelet in her pocket. She felt nervous and relieved at the same time. Nervous because she knew that despite her good intentions, what she was about to do was not entirely correct. But she could feel the edges of relief as well and doing the spell was what her heart demanded.



“Willow.” Tara loved saying her name. It was pretty and still conveyed the strength she knew its bearer possessed.



“I…I was worried and I just wanted to see if you were alright. It’s getting cold out and you should come inside soon.” Willow wanted to just give Tara the charm and get it over with but there was still a small doubt in her mind. She knew what her heart wanted; it wanted to see Tara safe and unhurt but her mind wanted her to ask permission. “What happened yesterday…in the shop…if you could, I mean…if I cou-"



“I’m s-s-sorry. It…I didn’t want to…I’d rather n-n-not remember…”Tara wished that Willow hadn’t witnessed her episode. She could feel the shame and embarrassment overcome her. She just wanted Willow to forget it. It was her nightmare to deal with and she would work it through.



“No, no I understand, I really do. I just wanted to say that I hope you’re better. And you know the spell, I was suggesting we do, I mean, you don't have to do it. I understand and anyway, I, uh…I wanted to give you this.” Willow quickly thrust out her hand and opened her palm. From Tara’s tone and the words she used, she figured that Tara would have preferred to forget her nightmares. That was proof enough that what she was about to do was right and in Tara's good interest.



Tara saw an intricate bracelet nestled in Willow’s palm and was taken aback. She wanted to accept it so badly but as far as she remembered she never received any gifts, especially one so delicate and beautiful. She couldn't see why Willow would give her something so precious as her friendship and reinforce it with a tangible gift.



“It’s a friendship bracelet, for you… I just want you to know I’m sorry about the fight we had and I’ll always be your…friend. Here, let me put it on you.”



Tara eagerly held her hand out and watched as Willow’s nimble fingers tied the bracelet around her wrist. Willow was taking her time and she couldn't deny it but just knowing that Tara was going to be fine, made her heart soar and even after she finished, she just stood there holding Tara’s hand.

-----------------------------


You must think that something is happening with you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; It will not let you fall

And Death shall have no Dominion

[mollyig]

Already Tara has become so supportive to Willow and Dawn. Its really quite touching.



She didn’t want to think of anything so she laid awake doing logarithm calculations instead, until the sun came up.. Ah the poor love.



Lovely that Willow pout made Tara remember how to smile. But then those fateful words.



Wonderful update. Thanks so much.

Adding up the total of a love that's true, multiply life by the power of two
Indigo Girls

[Loco2]

ah, wow. that last bit was really sweet. and now i'm entirely intrigued. and see me here? all with the feedback? this is looking really good, please update soon?



oh, and this:

Quote:

---

But her life was never about what she didn't want but what others thought she needed.

---

hee hee, very clever.



steph

"Dr. Becker, have you seen the skeleton?" "What do you think I am, a skeleton thief? You want to search me?!"
"Oh, bugger off, you brolly!" - Anya to Giles on his use of the english language
"We'll all be a lot happier without the constant whining....Mom, Buffy, Tara, Waah" - DMW to Dawn

[jomarch]

*mollyig* - hi sweetie, it's so nice to hear from you. Glad you liked the update and you're welcome. And it's nearly impossible to write a Tara from any AU that isn't supportive of Willow and Dawn



*Loco2* - Look at you, all with the feedback . It is muchly appreciated and it's nice to have you intrigued...and yes, I could not resist adding the want and need reference.

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You must think that something is happening with you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; It will not let you fall

And Death shall have no Dominion

Edited by: jomarch at: 7/26/02 7:20:43 am

[Centauri2002]

I absolutely love this story, it's so imaginative and compelling. The initial connection between Willow and Tara is so strong and I just know things will work out fine. It's just unfortunate that the road to their happiness has to be so bumpy but it makes for an excellent story. I look forward to the update.

Tara: I got so lost

Willow: I found you... I will always find you

[Puff]

Hey Jomarch that was a cool update a lot happened in it as well. I like the connection of the two nightmares and the "Your shirt" moment was very good. It's kind of sad that history is almost repeating itself with the spell on Tara to block the nightmares and once again I find myself hoping that they would just talk about it. I look forward to reading more and good luck in your quest for a beta reader



Hey look at me! I'm a Vixen

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You know, it's a real deal relationship and that's why people can relate to it
Amber Benson

Edited by: Puff  at: 7/26/02 9:12:48 am

[MissQuirky]

I love this fic!! I'm really like how Willow can like feel a connection between her n Tara, and them sharin nightmares of things that have happened 2 them! The last part w/ the friendship braclet, soo sweet, i loved it!!



I am really lookin 4ward to readin more!!

"W-well, I-I was wondering, maybe, you would wanna go out sometime? For coffee ... food ... kisses and gay love?" - Willow (Normal Again)

[xita]

Oh, I am all kinds of worried. First it says if it hadn't happened, Osiris would have lost a bet, so does that mean that he's going to win it..



And it's the same path sort of, Willow's casting spells on Tara, even though she has the best intentions in the world, it is still wrong.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

"Oooh Xita!" - Amber Benson

[Grimaldi]

great update



loved Tara comforting Dawn at the funeral, even though she didn't know her that well. Cordy hugging everyone and staying with Willow at Buffy's grave was sweet. Even though Willow's intentions were good when she gave Tara the friendship bracelet, she shouldn't have cast a spell on Tara.

Dude, we're surrounded by perverts!

Cross my heart, smack me dead, stick a lobster on my head.

Ooooh, intercourse the penguin

[jomarch]

*Centauri2002* - wow, thanks It is going to be a long ride, well at least for me. My previous stories were short compared to this. Anyway, you're right about the road being bumpy as well but happiness should prevail.



*Puff* - I was almost afraid that there was too many things going on and the story would not flow well. And history is not exactly repeating itself but there is a pattern there as Willow still does not understand that magic is not always the answer. Congratulations on being a Vixen....



*MissQuirky* - Thank you so much. I think I've mentioned this before but writing about their connection is the easy part



*xita* - Oh, xita, sweetie...Sorry to make you worried. As for Osiris, well he would definitely have lost the bet then if their link was not confirmed through their shared dreams. But as you said before, Willow and Tara together can do so much more that they're going to surprise the hell out of Osiris.

As for Willow's good intentions, she has to learn from her mistakes and not repeat or exacerbate them. I agree with Puff, they have to talk soon.



*Grimaldi* - Thank you. I actually do enjoy writing the Cordelia scenes as well. As for Willow and the spell, if you believe her, it's not really a spell but a warding charm.

[Thanatopsis]

As for Willow and the spell, if you believe her, it's not really a spell but a warding charm. Calling an apple, an orange, doesn't make it an orange. Willow's gotta learn that magic cant' solve everything, good intentions or not. She sees the connection that no one else sees, but just can't seem to understand them. Hopefully she will soon.

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Too many of us live desert lives. ~Charles de Lint

[jomarch]

*Thanatopsis* - Yes, Willow is justifying her use of magic here by saying it's something else. She does know that it is wrong but just wants to fix everything that is within her power to do so. She will have to learn that quick fixes may indeed backfire and she doesn't need to solve all the problems alone (now that she has Tara). We are only at Chapter 3 so strap yourself in, it may be a bumpy lesson.....

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You must think that something is happening with you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; It will not let you fall

And Death shall have no Dominion

[jomarch]

Spoiler Warning - It starts from Seeing Red and then completely veers off in all kinds of tangents. It covers both the Buffy and Angel universe for now.

Disclaimer - All characters, names and some dialogue etc belong to ME and Joss Whedon. However, due to improper usage and gross mishandling of characters and plot lines by aforementioned parties, it is with great pleasure that I (and all the other writers on the board) use them for the reading pleasure of kittens everywhere.

Rating - PG

Feedback - Yes, please. I think I have a feedback problem in the sense that I am beginning to be addicted to it, so please feedback away...

Notes - All beta'ed now. This chapter was re-written because my computer crashed and I lost the first draft. Overall, I am finding it pretty fun to put characters that don't normally share screen time together and I hope it's working out and just for the record, smart chicks are so hot!



Title : I Dream of Thee



Chapter 4





Dawn noticed that Tara was not in the house and wondered where she was. Ever since the funeral, Dawn felt that Tara was the only one who understood her. It wasn't that Willow didn't try, but all Willow wanted to offer her was a spell and that wasn't what she wanted. She felt like she needed absolution and forgiveness. Apparently, Tara saw that and throughout the funeral and even after, she stayed by Dawn's side whispering words of comfort and saying that it was ok to let the pain out. Dawn felt that Tara was not only comforting her, but also convincing herself of the fact. Tara may not have lost a sister but Dawn realized that the Demon Dimension that Tara was lost in also resulted in the blonde needing to let go of her own pain; maybe the both of them could heal together. This was why Dawn wanted to seek Tara out; she wanted to tell her about Buffy and in turn hoped that Tara would also unload her own pain.



Giles, Spike, Angel and Gunn were in the den arguing about something and they didn't want her involved, for they stopped talking the minute she wandered in to ask if anyone had seen Tara. Angel told her to check the back garden as Tara preferred open spaces. She could see from their faces that they were talking about Buffy and most probably her future as well, but she didn't want to deal with that. So she made her way to the back garden and was glad to see that both Tara and Willow were there. What she was oblivious to was the fact that they were holding hands and seemed to be lost in their own private world.





"Hey guys, Angel said I might find you here."



Tara was surprised that Willow just held on to her hand even after she finished with the bracelet. But it felt so right and not at all uncomfortable. It was as if she and Willow fit together; not halves of a whole, but fit in such a way that they became better, stronger even. She wanted to remember this moment, for it signified the start of something special. It was Willow who made the first approach, offering friendship and possibly more. She heard Dawn's greeting then and turned to smile at the teen, only to feel Willow quickly snatch her hand away. Tara's smile faltered slightly but she didn't want to alarm Dawn, who was smiling for the first time since they met.



Willow was so lost in the moment that Dawn's interruption had startled her. She suddenly realized where she was, what she was doing and blushed at the thoughts that were currently occupying her mind. She pulled her hand away from Tara's not because she was embarrassed but because she didn't want Dawn to feel that she had intruded. She empathized with the feelings of isolation the teen was experiencing and didn't want to add to it by showing that she interrupted a private moment. But Willow was so conscious of Dawn's reaction that she didn't register Tara's slightly downcast expression.



"Hey, Dawnie. Is everything ok? Do you need something?"



"Nah, uh. I just wanted to see if Tara was free." Dawn noticed that Willow was blushing slightly and wondered what the big deal was. She saw Willow quickly let go of Tara's hand and didn't understand why. Holding the blonde's hand most of yesterday had calmed her down and made her feel like she wasn't alone. There was nothing wrong with that at all; maybe Willow just didn't want her to know that she too needed comfort. Willow had tried to be so strong ever since Buffy died that she never cried in front of her. Dawn knew that the redhead was having bad nightmares as despite what Willow thought, she couldn't sleep at night and just kept her eyes closed for Willow’s sake. She heard Willow's distressed cries on most nights and wanted to reach out but she didn't think that Willow would want her to know. So as before, Dawn pretended to not notice and turned to Tara. "You said you wouldn't mind accompanying me to town and now's a good as time as any, if you're still free?"



Tara heard the eagerness in Dawn's voice and nodded. Though initially she wanted to stay with Willow, she wasn't sure if it was a good idea anymore.



"Oh!" Willow didn't know if she felt more disappointed because she was no longer holding Tara's hand or if it was because Tara was going to spend the day with Dawn instead. But she didn't want to be selfish. "Ok then, I've promised Wesley I'd show him the color-coded catalogue of Demons that we've been keeping. I'll see you later?" Willow turned to ask Tara. She finally noticed that the blonde was once again looking unsure of herself and she smiled encouragingly.



"Ok" Tara was glad her reply elicited another Willow smile but she could not shake the feeling that despite Willow's eagerness to explore their connection, it was conditional that it remained between the two of them.





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"The funeral is over, mate. Don't let the door hit you on the way out. On second thought…" Spike was surprised to see that Angel and his cohorts were still in town. He thought that with the funeral over and having dealt with all the Demons from Glory's portal, Angel would go back to Hollyweird and leave him and the Scoobies to look after Sunnydale.



"As much as I hate to admit it, Angel…Spike has a point. We should discuss our return to Los Angeles. The Powers That Be-"



Angel knew what Wesley was trying to say but things were still not finished in Sunnydale. The closure that he thought he would get from attending Buffy's funeral did not materialize and instead he still felt empty. "There will be other Demons that will come and without…without Buffy, none of you would last."



"Bugger that, it's already taken care of, I'm going to get the Buffybot fixed. It should be enough of a deterrent and seeing it would ensure word gets out that the Slayer is still here." Spike was looking at Angel and was thoroughly surprised when Giles answered instead. The Watcher didn't even seem to be following the conversation and the only reason why he had been included was because he was in the house at the time.



"That…robot is never going to replace Buffy." Giles couldn't keep the contempt in his voice from coming through. He saw that Spike was about to argue the point and needed to get what he wanted to say out so he carried on. "The reason for building it was disgraceful and an abomination to everything Buffy stood for. But… you have made a good point and as an interim measure, having it around would work in our advantage. The question now, is can Willow fix it?"



"I think Red is a bit too pre-occupied with her guilt and other things right now to do a good job. But there's always the manufacturer's guarantee, he may need a little persuading [ , ] but I think we can get him to see things our way."



--------------------------------------------------



"You know, for a bad ass Vampire, you sing like a girl." Gunn was still wondering how he[‘d] got to be in his position in the first place. It was decided during their meeting three days ago that Spike needed back up in convincing Warren to fix and reprogram the Buffybot. Unfortunately, with his chip Spike knew that any of his threats were empty at best and thus had asked for more muscle and Angel immediately suggested Gunn. So here he was in a run down 1958 Dodge Desoto with painted windows sitting next to a bleached headed punk-ass Vampire singing tunes from the Ramones. "Kill me now!" Gunn muttered, not caring if the Vampire next to him heard him or not.



"I would if I could, mate, especially if it would piss Angel off. But right now, we have an appointment with that geek." Spike had been parked outside Warren's parents’ house for the past three nights in hopes of running into Warren. To add further injury to the already numerous insults he received, the gang reject accompanying him just insulted his singing. If Warren hadn't showed up, Spike would probably have fulfilled Gunn's wish despite the pain he knew would occur.



"Warren, old buddy, old pal, old friend. I believe we need you to do something for us." As soon as Warren passed by the car, Spike jumped out, placed his arm around Warren's shoulder and steered him to the back of the vehicle. Gunn also exited the vehicle and unlocked the trunk of the car.



"Spike?" Warren did not expect to see Spike for quite some time and the fear was evident in his voice. In fact, he was almost sure that the Vampire would never call on him again as he not only followed the specifications requested for, he added quite a few programs of his own. He wanted to ensure that the Buffybot would do anything and everything Spike would ask for and therefore pre-empt the need for meeting him again. Apparently things did not work out for in the trunk of the car, he could see the robot in pieces and he couldn't stop himself from asking a question. "What did you do?" Warren couldn't keep the incredulous tone from his voice as the robot was supposed to be nearly indestructible. But here it was, torn apart and looking like it had been run over a couple of thousand times by the car it was residing in.



"Maybe you should stop asking questions and start fixing." Gunn tried to sound as menacing as possible but Warren was such a coward that Gunn didn't even need to posture that much. The idiot boy looked like he was about to wet himself and was already hauling pieces of the robot out of the trunk.





"I, er, I'm not sure what you want me to do? I mean, do you want me to fix it for the both of you?" Warren was torn between wanting to hear the sordid details of what they wanted and the need to preserve his well being. If he knew too much, Spike and the tall menacing gang member standing before him may not leave him in one piece and may just decide that to do to him what they had done to his creation.



"Listen White bread. Now, Spike here is hungry and I am just as inclined to let him lunch on your ass. But see, we need this robot fixed and Spike says you’re the man to do it. We don't need no sex programs, we just need it to fight. It's got to be able to convince all the demons out there that it is the Slayer." For added emphasis, Gunn moved a step closer and towered over Warren.



"Ok,ok, I get it… I understand, you want the robot to be the slayer. Fine, no problem…But won't people realize something's wrong when they see two slayers. I mean with the right brains, one could take over this piddly little town as the Demon population residing here isn't too bright. But they are stupid, not blind. Gives you something to think about doesn't it?" Warren felt proud, he found a flaw in their big bad plan. They weren't that tough, with the right muscle behind him, he could take them. The slayer wasn't even there. Warren suddenly realized that the Slayer really wasn't there; instead of harassing him in person, she had sent two flunkies. She was most probably out of commission, maybe she took on a couple of Demons that were finally too much of a match for her girlie strength. Warren hoped that was the case [ , ] as it would serve her right. Yes, he thought to himself, she was probably at home with a headache and broken ribs and most importantly, Sunnydale was indeed open for his taking.



"Just fix it." Spike didn't like Warren now any more than he did when he first met the little bugger. It wasn't that Spike felt that he was better than Warren. The fact that Warren had a soul counted for something. It was just that Warren was the worse kind of sleaze. He was a demon at heart and just masquerading as a human.



"Yeah, ok man. Don't worry about it. By the time I'm through, she'll be just what you asked for." Warren wasn't going to elaborate on what exactly his definitions were with regards to their request. His mind was already on other more important things, like who to recruit for his master plan. This was the opportunity he was waiting for. The Slayer was out of commission and needed his Robot to step in for her. It was perfect. He would do as they requested and add some modifications of his own and soon, he would get what he always knew he deserved: the respect of everyone and all the wealth Sunnydale had to offer.



-------------------------------------------



Cordelia knew that the reason Angel wanted to stay in Sunnydale was because he still felt like he did not have closure. It was like there was something keeping him there that he couldn't articulate[ , ] but he knew that his presence was still required. Wesley and Gunn thought they recognized Angel's zealousness as over-compensation for not being there when the love of his unlife, died, so they didn't say anything or insist that the four of them head back to LA to resume their own calling and duty. Angel looked like he needed the time and they understood that sooner or later, Angel would realize that his own mission would have to continue if not for the sake of his own soul, then as a tribute to the fallen Slayer. Cordelia, on the other hand, needed to stay in Sunnydale because that was where her vision had directed her. She could still remember snatches of images that truly disturbed her; images of things to come and what was most problematic was she couldn't be sure which images she was here to stop and which would come to pass. She wanted to talk to Angel [ , ] but as usual he was off brooding somewhere. Walking through the once crowded house, she could picture Buffy and Dawn running down the hallway or lounging on one of the comfy chairs scattered in the living room. It was a nice picture to have [ , ] but one that would never come to pass again, unless her vision was correct. She was so caught up in her own thoughts that she didn't notice Tara sitting on the sofa. The quiet blonde was playing with a bracelet on her wrist and wore such a sad expression on her face that it almost rivaled Angel's brooding one.



"Tara? Is everything all right. You seem kinda out of it. I mean, not crazy out of it or anything but kinda sad, I guess." Cordelia figured that if she couldn't sort things out in her own head, she could at least help Tara sort out her stuff. Looking over the blonde, Cordelia suddenly realized that Tara looked troubled, not worried exactly but more like she was… 'Oh! God! Please don't let it be', the seer pleaded internally. It was the most inopportune time for those kinds of feelings to surface but Cordelia should have guessed that with all the badness and weirdness going on, it was a breeding ground for feelings of love to surface. Now she just had to explain to Tara gently that it was not meant to be. Despite her gratitude and connection and what happened, the love would not be reciprocated; it was just not meant to be. She could see the sadness in Tara's big blue eyes and wished that she didn't have to break her heart any further but it had to be done. A broken heart now was much better than the tears and hurt that would definitely come later. "Oh, Honey, I really hoped this wouldn't happen but you're thinking about love [ , ] aren't you? You have all these emotions churning up inside you and you want to express them only you can't."



Tara was surprised, she didn't think that she was being that obvious and more importantly, Cordelia just voiced the exact thing that she was preoccupied with. She finally admitted that the bats in her stomach, the sweaty palms and unsettled feelings were due to Willow or specifically due to the feelings she had developed for Willow over the past few days. Emotions that she could not identify initially because she never experienced them in such great magnitude before. But Cordelia was a seer and she had read Tara. "I…I've never felt like this before. It's like I'm jumping off the side of a cliff but I know I'm not going to land, I'm only going to fall." It wasn't the best analogy or explanation, but that was how she was feeling, like she was falling but not out of control.



"I was afraid of this. I mean, I guess it's because of his chiseled looks and the fact that he saved you in Pylea, isn't it? And now, you're pining for him and you think it'll work out but he's pining for her and that's definitely in the never going to work out department. And well, it's better you know now." Cordelia immediately sat down next to Tara and prepared herself for the onslaught of tears she knew was due. What was it about all the blondes being susceptible to the broodyness that was Angel? Buffy, Kate Lockley and now Tara, if she didn't know any better, she'd add Spike to that list. The way he used to act around Angel in Sunnydale and LA in the past gave some indication that sub-consciously he was probably attracted to him too. Now she just needed to convince Tara that it was a bad, bad idea. She saw the blonde looking at her askance and shaking her head. 'Yup, she's in denial-land, poor baby'



"Angel? Angel's p-p-pining for Willow? Tara asked incredulously. If she really thought about it, she probably could see it happening. Angel or anyone for that matter would be attracted to Willow's beauty and intelligence and kind heart but it wasn't fair as he was suppose to be in love with Buffy. She knew that Buffy was dead and perhaps that's why Angel was now pining for Willow.



"Don't try and hide it, it's ok to think you're in love wi-…Why would Angel be pining for Willow? Oh, God! He didn’t say anything to you did he? I mean she’s Buffy’s best friend so there may be some transference there bu…” Cordelia stopped short, because she suddenly realized that there was no need to bring up Willow’s name unless the blonde was thinking of her. And then it hit her with a force almost as great as one of her visions that she nearly toppled off the sofa. Tara wasn’t pining for Angel, she was attracted to Willow. Cordelia wasn’t at all shocked about the girl on girl attraction, she was just shocked that she missed the signs completely and jumped straight on to the ‘Everyone loves the tall and brooding Vampire’ bandwagon. ‘Well, not straight’ She joked internally.



Now she needed to take a totally different approach to this. Both Willow and Tara were kinda broken and starting a relationship on that basis required a lot of work and,well, Cordelia wasn’t sure if they were up to it. Willow still had her nightmares to deal with and she carried around so much guilt at Buffy’s death that at times it was almost palpable. Not to mention she had never really got over Oz not loving her enough to stay. Deep down, Willow probably thought she didn’t deserve being loved. Which brought her thoughts back to Tara. The blonde sitting before her definitely came with her own carry-on bag of problems; Being enslaved and stranded in a bizarre demon dimension would leave scars no matter how strong you were and Tara’s scars were both physical and mental. Cordelia already noticed a number of lash marks when the blonde was changing back at the Hyperion and the mental scars were already manifesting themselves as horrible nightmares that she suffered from every night. Perhaps they would be able to help each other heal via the inexplicable bond they shared [ , ] but it was a gamble and if it didn’t work, she wasn’t sure if either of the two women be strong enough to survive another blow of such proportions.



“Angel’s not pining for Willow, is he? ” she asked softly and saw Tara smile shyly and shake her head. She wanted to warn Tara then, to explain how it was so not a good idea to pursue a relationship at this point in their lives, but the look on Tara’s face stopped her. It was a look of both hope and anticipation and it spoke volumes to Cordelia. She remembered that look and she couldn’t bring herself to say anything that would result in it being removed from Tara’s face, so she went with a joke instead.



“Well, I’m not surprised, but it does explain the looks you were giving me in Pylea when I was in that skimpy Queen get-up.”



Tara’s eyes widened at that for she never thought of Cordelia that way. Despite her swiss-holed memories, she couldn’t recall ever thinking about anyone the way she was thinking about Willow. Then she noticed Cordelia’s mischievous smile and realized that she was joking and decided that it was time she joined in. “Well, I d-don’t think I was looking as much as Angel.” Tara shot back and was rewarded with a look of surprise on the seer’s face.



“No way in hell and I do mean that literally! Well, Angel can look all he wants but anything more and we’re talking Dr Jekyll-Mr Hyde territory and you have no idea what I’m talking about do you?” Tara was shaking her head in concurrence with Cordelia's question.



“You know the way you’re feeling about Willow right now? It’s like you’re becoming a different person, right?” Cordelia could see that Tara was definitely smitten as every time she mentioned Willow's name, the blonde would blush at the tip of her ears.



“I…I don’t k-k-know why but we have a connection and she’s so sp-special and I feel special too…d-d-different; when I’m with her.”



“Well for Angel, that’s a literal thing, if he encounters even a moment of pure happiness, his soul becomes unanchored and he reverts back to that monster you saw in Pylea.”



“Oh!” Tara never thought of that,of what would happen to her Demon. It was a frightening thought that her demon could take over if she wasn’t careful. Maybe it hadn’t taken over before because she never experienced feelings of love and like Angel’s own Demon, hers was also reigned in only by the lack of happiness which is why it never reared itself in Pylea. She could feel the panic bubbling up and flowing in her veins like ice, making her not cold, but numb.



“Tara?” Cordelia wasn’t sure what happened exactly but one minute, Tara was smiling and joking back, but after her explanation of Angel’s particular problem, the expression on the blonde’s face changed drastically. Cordelia realized that due to her insensitivity at talking about Angel’s demon, she had probably reminded Tara of Pylea once again. “Hey, Tara, let’s not think about Angel, kay? We should just forget I said anything. Tell you what, you can ask me anything about Willow and I’ll try and answer you.”



Tara wished she could forget her thoughts and memories as easily, but that wasn’t how it worked. You just couldn’t wish things away or use magic. They needed to be worked through and that was what she was thinking about before Cordelia came in. She was trying to sort out her memories as well as her emotions. She knew that she shared a bond with Willow and that the redhead not only acknowledged their connection, but also wanted to explore it magically. She just wasn’t sure if that was all there was to it and maybe Cordelia’s offer would be helpful. “W-w-what was Willow like in H-high School?”



Of all the questions Cordelia thought Tara might ask about Willow, she never thought that would be it. She figured that Tara would be more interested in Willow’s magical abilities as that’s where their connection seemed strongest but she did offer to answer any question. “Willow? In High School? Well, you know the type of student who knew all the answers even before the teacher would ask them? And remember the girl who was always so shy that she’d just look at her shoes as she walked pass you? ”



Cordelia saw that Tara had tucked her legs up on the sofa, her face rapt with attention, so she continued, “Well, Willow was better than the student who knew all the answers and more shy than the shyest girl. But then she met Buffy and realized that knowing all the answers could help save lives and when she met Oz she realized that she was more than a wall flower.”



“Oz?”



“Yeah, he was…well, he was Willow’s first love, I guess. They were together for about three years and then he left.” Cordelia noticed the incomprehension on Tara’s face and stopped with her explanation.



“Why w-w-would anyone leave Willow? ” It was a concept Tara just could not grasp.



“ Well, see Oz wasn’t just your run of the mill guitar playing cool laid-back Scooby, he was also a werewolf three nights a month. And initially Willow and Oz were ok with that, but in the end, there was some badness. From what Buffy told me, Oz cheated on Willow and blamed it on his wolf persona. It wouldn’t have been so bad but the girl he cheated with nearly killed Willow and Oz had to kill her. In the end, he left to see if he could find a cure for himself but Willow took it personally. He didn’t break her heart but he hurt it enough such that when he came back a couple of months later, Willow hid her heart so well that Oz couldn’t get through to her anymore, so he left again.” Cordelia didn’t want to add that Oz dropped by the Hotel and spent the entire night drinking with Angel and regretting past mistakes. Angel told her later that Oz described Willow’s heart as if it was locked away somewhere and Willow had forgotten where she put the key. It wasn’t as if she was cold or uncaring , but more like she decided that dealing with her emotions would only lead to bad, bad things and therefore, it was better to only immerse herself with school, magic and Scooby patrols. Angel also mentioned that Oz felt responsible for it and had asked him to check up on Willow every now and again.



Cordelia wasn’t sure if she should have said what she said next but Willow was her friend too. “ Did you know Willow use to have the biggest crush on Xander and he ignored her completely until she was going out with Oz and Xander was going out with me? I guess you wouldn’t have known that. Anyway, Oz and I caught them fooling around and it took me a long time to forgive Willow for that. What I’m trying to say is that I always wanted her to hurt as much as I did when I found her kissing Xander but…” Cordelia wanted to tell Tara of Willow’s dreams, of her feeling like she was so loved and having that feeling taken away. She knew that Willow was suffering not only from her grief over Buffy’s death but also from her nightmares.



“But? She’s h-h-hurting now isn’t she?” Tara could feel Willow’s pain acutely. It wasn’t only pain due to the death of her best friend but it was layered with guilt at not preventing the death as well as an underlying sorrow so vociferous, it was almost tangible. Willow was definitely feeling her heart, it was just that she’d hidden it away so well that she could not release the anguish she kept there and Tara wanted so much to help her do that.



‘Yeah, she is, and I know you are too. If the nightmares you’ve been having are any indication…” Cordelia really didn’t know how to broach the subject of Tara’s time in Pylea. She would never forget the few days she was treated as a slave and the pain of the collar she had to wear but Tara had been subject to the treatment longer. And, despite her survival and her wondrous ability to empathize and comfort the people around her, she needed a lot of love and support as well. Cordelia wasn’t sure if Willow could see beyond her own fears and offer that to Tara.



“I…I haven’t had a nightmare since Buffy’s funeral. M-m-maybe they’re over or maybe not [, ] but I don’t want to use them as excuses not to s-start living my life here.” Tara sounded so adamant that even Cordelia could not add anything else. The nightmares she was having were of her past and she would deal with them as, and when, they recurred. It would not change who she was; she needed to find out about her own heritage and whether she was a Demon or not; all these things had to be done, but she would also not stop herself from loving Willow in the meantime. It was the only thing that made sense currently and she wasn’t about to let it go.





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“Gentlemen, may I present the new and improved Buffybot. And just for good measure, I didn't remove all the, um…programs you initially asked for, so she's definitely ready for anyth-" Warren's smirk so disgusted Spike that he grabbed him by his shirt and threw him against the door.



"Arrgggg!" Spike was in pain but he ignored it and made it sound like he was growling at Warren instead; he changed into his Vamp face and pressed his arm against Warren's throat. " No more sex programs. If I hear one word out of its mouth about sex, I'll come looking for you"



Gunn could see that despite the pain, Spike wasn't about to let Warren go and although he didn't mind seeing the idiot boy choke a little, hurting him would be out of the question. "Hey, man, I think Warren here gets it now, don't you? We just want what we asked for, nothing more, nothing less." Gunn slowly put his palm over Spike's fist and hoped that the Vampire was listening. He could feel Spike slowly relent and push himself away from Warren.



Warren immediately fell to the ground coughing and was trying to take deep breaths. He really thought that Spike was going to bite him then and though he didn't want to show it, it scared the hell out of him. "I'll…I'll remove the programs now, it won't take long." Warren didn't like that his voice sounded weak and scared; he wished that he could have fought back [ , ] but now was not the time. He wasn't powerful yet, but that would come soon and when it did, he was going to get back at Spike and his tall companion. As he removed one of the discs from the Buffybot's back, he once again marveled as his own ingenuity at making the robot his own personal Trojan horse. "She's all done…the fighting programs are set on high. It'll be like the Matrix [ , ] only cooler. Listen, I don't think I'm going to be here any more. My mom wants me out of her basement so I guess that concludes our deal, right? I do this and you won't come looking for me…"



"If it works as good as you say, we won't have to." Gunn really didn't like the worm standing in front of him. At least the scum in LA, didn't try and dress themselves up as clean-cut college boys; what you saw was what you got. He didn't like Warren's smarmy attitude and didn't want to spend anymore time than necessary in his presence. "C'mon Spike, I think we're done here."



Spike didn't really trust Warren, but he didn't have a choice. Willow wasn't in the right frame of mind to fully fix the Buffybot and they needed the job done quickly. It had been two weeks since he came up with the plan and since then, they encountered more and more Demons and Vampires on their nightly patrols. Wesley overheard a Fyarl Demon yesterday bragging that he had not seen the Slayer recently and perhaps she was out of commission. They needed the Buffybot and therefore indirectly needed Warren as well. So as much as he wanted to stay and scare Warren some more, there were more pressing things to get done.He grabbed hold of the bot's hand and pushed past Warren.



The Buffybot opened it's eyes, saw Spike pulling at it's arm and immediately responded. "Spike, if you pull my arm any harder, I'll break it off myself and beat you to death with it!"



The words, stopped him cold, it sounded so much like her; but it wasn't and it would never be. The texture of the hand he was holding was so life-like. Spike knew, if he closed his eyes, maybe he could pretend that it was really Buffy. If he didn't respect her memory so much, he may have done just that, but despite his soulless predicament, he knew how to accord respect and the Bot , no matter how life-like, was not Buffy and he would never treat it as such. What he did in the past was unforgivable, but Buffy still forgave him on account that he saved Dawn. He would not lose that forgiveness for even a moment's flight of fancy, so he let go of it's arm and walked up the stairs and out into the night, knowing that Gunn and the Buffybot would follow. It was going to be a long night as they needed to take the Buffybot to most of the Vampire and Demon hangouts to convince them that the Slayer was indeed alive and kicking butt.





"Okay, morons, you can come out now." Warren called out. He was massaging his throat and getting angrier by the second. The look of disgust that both Gunn and Spike gave him when they left was uncalled for. He was the genius here and he deserved more respect.



"Are you sure, they're gone?" Andrew called out meekly.



"Hey doofus, you just gave away the fact that we're suppose to be hiding" Jonathan really felt like hitting Andrew. He could tell that the idiot nearly wet his pants when Spike cornered Warren just now. He was glad that they were finally allowed to come out of the closet that they were hiding in.



"All right, already. God! Sometimes I wonder why I'm even bothering to include the both of you in my plan." Warren knew that he needed both Andrew and Jonathan for different reasons, but he also planned for the trio to eventually become a solo effort. If everything went according to plan, he would not need the two bumbling stooges anymore, but in the meantime, he would make full use of their individual talents for his own benefit. "Ok, Jonathan you're the big bad warlock well… short, mildly wicked warlock, what's your plan?"



"Ha, Ha, very funny. Well, I've noticed that the best way to find out about the level of magical ability in Sunnydale is to surf the e-bay site for magical supplies. I've written a program that allows the tracking of each magical item bought by specific users and it also projects what the items will be used for. Let me tell you, some of the spells that are out there are no laughing matter. There was this one guy who was looking for a -"



"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…You know, if I wasn't so stoked about our evil schemes [ , ] I'd fall asleep right about now." Andrew really wished that Warren had only asked him to join up. Jonathan's magical fetish and his big bone were disturbing. At least he could control demons and such; now that was a cool power.



"Shut up, goof brain!" Jonathan lunged at Andrew only to have him cower behind Warren.



"You shut up, hobbit ho!" Hiding behind Warren was great, as he knew that Jonathan wouldn't dare strike out at their leader.



"Enough!" Warren wanted to get on with his program. It was time to teach the people of Sunnydale a lesson and he was just the person to do it. "Andrew, go and set up the monitors and start recording the signals from the Buffybot. We need to know exactly where it is at all time. Jonathan, keep tracking the magical supplies and see if we can start building up a stash of our own. Gentlemen, I think that our trio is on its way to taking over Sunnydale."





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"Yes, that's it, you can't drop your left hook or you're liable to alert your opponent that you're about to throw a punch." When Angel first asked Giles if he was up to training the Buffybot, he was sure that he was going to adamantly refuse. He may have agreed to get the bloody thing fixed, but he wasn't sure if he could stand spending time with it. But when Spike brought it back a couple of weeks ago and it immediately greeted him like Buffy would have, he decided that maybe, just maybe having it around would lessen the ache gnawing away at his soul.



"It doesn't matter, as I am made of metal parts and my opponents usually are not," the Buffybot answered and proceeded to knock its head against the wall to prove the point.



"Yes, quite right. Why don't you practice your kicks then." Giles could hear Dawn in the front of the shop and knew that he needed to talk to her. He had waited a month, thinking that when she was ready, they could discuss her future and his plans to return to England, but Dawn never approached him and had spent most of her time in the company of Tara and Spike. So he squared his shoulders and proceeded to the front of the shop. Angel was with Dawn and they were standing by the table and by what he could discern, they were discussing the nutrient qualities of raisinettes.



"Oh yeah! They are so totally nutritious with the milk chocolatey goodness and fruit. It's like most of the basic food groups in the palm of your hand. Plus, if you keep it there long enough before throwing them, they tend to stick better." Dawn was surprised when Angel asked if she wanted to go to the movies with him. She used to remember Buffy going out with him and how her sister would always refuse to let her tag along. She still felt sad every time she thought about Buffy, but Tara taught her that Buffy's last words about living were her legacy and one which she needed to do in order to make her sister proud. Since then, she tried to do just that; she tried to live for Buffy's memory and for herself. That was why she was avoiding Giles, she knew that he was going to disrupt the family by leaving and she didn't want that to happen.



Angel was glad to spend time with Dawn. He knew that his memories of her were planted by the monks who made her, but to him they were as real as she was. She reminded him of Buffy as well, not in terms of looks or character, but in terms of her presence. She was the last blood link to the Slayer and just being there with her soothed him. "Okay, but that is not going to convince either me, or Willow and Tara that you will not be having dinner later. You can think of it as your appetizer…Hey, Giles, working late?" Angel noticed that Giles had been hovering at the door of the training room and polishing his glasses. It was obvious that the Watched wanted to talk to Dawn and he could guess the topic of conversation. The plane ticket to England in his right breast pocket didn't weigh much physically but the strain of having it was so heavy that Giles had been walking around with his shoulders hunched and feet dragging for the past few weeks.



"Yes, I was er, I was just having a spot of training with the Buffybot. I heard you come in, and well, I needed to talk to the both of you."



"Why," Dawn shot back sullenly, her happy mood evaporating as soon as she noticed Giles. "You've already made up your mind, anyway. Your mind's already back in England, so why don't you just make it official and go. JUST GO!" She shoved him then, as hard as she could muster; it was true that she hadn't talk to him in the past month, but that was because she was frightened that if she got too close, or felt too comfortable with his presence, he would leave anyway. Buffy left and now Giles was going to leave as well . She didn't want to think about the others, people like Angel and Tara who had their own lives to lead and would also eventually leave her. "Everyone's going to leave eventually, right…all of you." Dawn didn't scream out the last statement; it was uttered in a monotone that signified her hopelessness and utter belief that no one would stay with her.



Giles expected the teen to keep on screaming and hitting him, but when she hung her head and let her tears flow silently, he realized that he had been a complete idiot. He thought he was protecting Dawn by leaving her alone, but he was just reinforcing her false premise that he wanted to leave her. He didn't want to do that. He just thought that it was for the best; that his presence would only remind her of her dead sister, but that was not the case at all. "Dawn?" Giles reached out and tried to touch the young woman, but she shied away. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make you think that I wanted to leave. I called your father and…"



"He doesn't want me. Angel said…he's too busy with his new wife and he says it's ok that I remain here with you." Dawn looked at him then and he could feel Buffy's presence.



"Yes, yes…which is why I was going to propose you come back to England with me. I do want you, never doubt that. It just may be better if we leave Sunnydale."



Dawn couldn't understand. Leaving Sunnydale would not lessen Buffy's presence; She would always be with them. She knew that Angel felt it as well; they would all feel it, always. "But Giles, leaving won't change anything…" She wanted to stay, not because Sunnydale was home, but because leaving would mean giving up and Summers women never gave up, ever. She was surprised when Angel answered.



"Staying wouldn't change anything, either." The Vampire spent the last few weeks working out why, exactly, he was still in Sunnydale. He knew that Wesley, Gunn and Cordelia were only there because he was and that they were waiting for him to make up his mind. But, the problem was that he couldn't really bring himself to leave yet he understood that he wouldn't be able to stay indefinitely. Buffy wasn't supposed to have died; it had been promised to him, yet she had died and his world ended. There would be no happy ending or beginning, and staying in Sunnydale wasn't going to bring Buffy back, regardless of Cordelia's visions. "I mean, Buffy's dead and staying won't change that. The Powers That Be…it's not going to change anything. Despite what they said, Buffy died. I wanted it to be different, I thought that if I was here…"



"Angel, what are you saying?" Giles was shocked at Angel's outburst. He knew that the Vampire had decided to stay in Sunnydale indefinitely to ensure that the bot was working and that the town would not be run over due to the real Slayer's death. But he didn't think that Angel thought that Buffy's death was not meant to be and the information was apparently confirmed by The Powers That be. "Did…Were you told that Buffy was not going to die?" Giles wanted so much to grab hold of Angel and make him relate the entire story. If there was even some form of hope…



"Last year, right after Thanksgiving…" Angel wasn't sure if talking about the Forgotten Day would help. The only reason he had given up his humanity was because of the promise that Buffy would not die and that eventually, he would be able to regain it through Shanshu.



Giles remembered the incident; Angel had arrived in Sunnydale to help Buffy without her knowledge, but Buffy had still found out and was so upset that she had gone to LA to confront him. But according to Buffy, their confrontation lasted only a few minutes and she had returned feeling unsettled but put it down to seeing Angel again.



"I had time reverse itself. When Buffy visited, we were attacked by a Demon and its blood gave me back my humanity. Buffy and I spent the day and night together and it was…I will never forget it. The problem was that as a human, I was of no use to the Powers That Be, or to Buffy. I couldn't protect her during any fights. So-"



"So, you went back to The Powers and asked them to take away your humanity." Giles surmised, it made sense and it also explained why Buffy always felt like she never fully resolved things with Angel.



"Yes, they said that if I remained human, Buffy would die before her time and I just could not allow that." He was glad when Dawn hugged him, for he felt his own uselessness then. Angel had never said it out loud. He never once admitted that he had given up the one thing he wanted most so that Buffy could live and it did not help for Buffy was still dead.



Giles was speechless. He couldn't understand living and fighting in a world created by Gods who played around with lives like they did not have value. The Powers That Be had not kept their promise and Buffy and Angel, two of their greatest warriors had suffered because of it.



Willow knew that she should have alerted Giles and the rest that she was in the shop, as well. It was just that she had fallen asleep in between the Dark Magics and Magical Herbs books in the upper section of the shop. She hadonly awoken when she heard Dawn shouting at Giles, and by then , she was too caught up in the ensuing conversation. It had confirmed all of her fears. If she had been faster or used more powerful spells, Buffy would not have died. Angel had just confirmed that Buffy's death was unnecessary. The Powers That Be never intended for the Slayer to die so soon. Buffy died because she was not powerful enough, but that was no longer the case. The bitter feelings of guilt and fear that she tasted daily could be washed away. Buffy's death was not meant to be, and therefore, it could be reversed. She would need to talk to Tara and possibly Anya; they needed a resurrection spell. Anya would definitely know of one, considering she was over a thousand years old, and with Tara's magic, Willow was sure that they could harness enough power to guarantee its success.





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"Why am I here again?" Anya was surprised when Willow called so late at night. Xander didn't want to answer the phone and just turned over on his side and placed his head under his pillow. It was becoming an autonomic response for him. If he encountered anything he didn't want to deal with, he would ignore it or drink himself into oblivion and cease to care. Anya took it upon herself to cope for the both of them. She ensured that he still got to work on time and provided him with a box lunch. At home, she would ensure that the bills were paid and that the phone was answered. She wasn't sure if agreeing to meet Willow was such a good idea, but the redhead sounded anxious and hyper. Besides Xander, there was nothing else she could do at home. Ever since the funeral, Xander barely acknowledged her presence, except to ask if there was more beer. He never asked about her day and worse of all they hadn't made love either. If things continued in the same vein, Anya was sure she would explode. Not in the literal sense, but close to it.



"I just want to wait for Tara. She said she'd be right down." Willow wasn't sure what she was feeling. Maybe it was anticipation, or, the fact that the weight of sorrow she was carrying around lessened slightly now that there was a possibility of reversing Buffy's tragic death. After Angel and the rest left the shop, Willow called up Anya immediately and demanded that the ex-Demon meet her at the house. She then proceeded to run all the way home, knowing that she would still beat Giles and Dawn there as they were stopping for dinner. Explaining the situation to Tara was also going to be difficult, so Willow decided to just tell the blonde that she needed her help and explain when Anya arrived.



"This is about the incident the both of you had at the Magic Box last month? Did you share another one? Is Tara hurt again? Or has she just lost her mind?" Anya knew that she was being rather bitchy, but she couldn't help it. She was frustrated with everything including the secretive manner in which Willow was acting.



Willow immediately turned towards her and enunciated with such clarity and resolve, "Tara is not crazy," that Anya immediately stayed silent. It was one thing to push Willow's buttons, but it was quite another to piss off a very powerful witch and even Anya could tell the difference.



"Well, t-t-thank god for that" Tara replied, smiling. She was just stepping onto the porch when she heard Anya's comments and Willow's reply. "I…I haven't had a dream in weeks and I agree with Willow…I don't think I'm crazy." Tara could see Willow was preoccupied with something big. Her aura was brighter and more vivid. She hoped that Willow wanted to discuss their connection. Over the past few weeks, they had spent a lot of time together talking and just hanging out. It was a new concept to Tara and one in which she reveled; She learnt how to make pancakes and waffles, sat with Willow when she helped Dawn with the schoolwork she needed to catch up with and just basked in Willow's company. They never fully broached subjects that were sensitive, like Pylea, or bad dreams,or love, but they discussed music and flowers and even tried a few small spells. It was as if the Gods decided that due to her suffering in Pylea, she deserved a chance at finding out what happiness felt like; to her, it tasted like strawberries and honey, and sounded like Willow. But if Willow wanted to broach the topic of their relationship, she wouldn't have asked Anya there. So Tara just smiled at her, silently encouraging the redhead to go on.





Willow could have looked at Tara's smile forever, but she wanted to talk about Magic and the spell. She spent the last few weeks in Tara's company and it had been amazing. Without the recurring nightmares, Tara had blossomed; even her stuttering was greatly reduced. They had learnt so many new things about each other, like Tara could read music and had an aptitude for math. She wasn't really into theoretical mathematics, but she would still listen to Willow when the redhead went off on one of her tangents and started talking about algebraic topology. In addition, they even did some spells, nothing big or complex but it allowed them to explore and strengthen their bond. They never discussed Tara's past or Willow's reluctance at talking about her feelings, they just spent the time being comfortable with each other. Due to that, Willow's own outlook changed; she still felt guilty that she was alive while her best friend was rotting in the ground,but Tara was there to temper that grief with hope, and now things were even better. "We need to bring Buffy back."



"What? I should have asked if you were the crazy one!" Anya was nearly shrieking. Of all the things she expected Willow to ask for, and her imagination was working overtime, especially since she saw how Willow had been eyeing Tara, the last thing on her mind was bringing Buffy back. "Do you understand that Buffy is dead and the magic you are talking about well, it's Dark and dangerous and there's no coming back from there."



Tara was also taken aback; she knew that Willow was still affected by Buffy's death, but to talk about resurrection was bordering on playing God and not in the natural order of things. She shook her head and looked at Willow, willing the redhead to see how wrong she was in asking for such a thing.



Willow could see the apprehension in both Anya and Tara's faces and realized that blurting out such a big thing may not have been a brilliant thing to do. She took a deep breath and focused on the task at hand. She could see that she needed to explain her reasoning to the both of them before asking for their help. "Please, just listen before you say anything more." She hoped her plea would get through and could see that Tara still looking at her, but at least the look of fear and apprehension was gone. As for Anya, she was standing there, her arms akimbo, tapping her foot and waiting for Willow to prove that the ex-Demon was correct after all, and she was indeed crazy.



"I have always thought that Buffy was the bravest person I ever met. It wasn’t because she fought Vampires every night, but because she did it without expecting anything in return. She saved so many lives, as well as prevented the end of the world and I figured if someone was keeping score, she'd be way ahead. See, that's why it never made sense. Buffy was never meant to die and we need magic to bring her back."



"But Willow, she did, and it wasn't yo- …it wasn't your fault." Tara knew that whatever she said to the contrary, Willow would still have a difficult time accepting that she could not have done things any differently, but that wasn't going to stop Tara from trying to convince her otherwise. "I used magic in P-P-Pylea because I thought it could help and it didn't. Magic can't solve everything. It's not s-suppose to."



"What if it is. What if Buffy wasn't meant to die and I was meant to save her, only I didn't. What if I hesitated and didn't use a powerful enough spell?” Willow was crying again and she knew that it would only make Anya and Tara think she was being emotional about the whole thing, so she willed her tears to stop and wiped them with her sleeve.



Anya was never good when people cried in front of her. She barely knew what to do when she found her own eyes wet with tears. She knew that as a form of release, tears were very good, but it also got really messy and it made her want to cry too. "Willow, 'what ifs' don't prove anything. Buffy died because she decided to jump into the portal. You couldn't do that, only Buffy could."



"I know but this is not a 'what if' scenario. Buffy wasn't suppose to die. My spell on Glory was just not strong enough and it didn't give Buffy the time she needed to take Doc out. Angel said…I heard Angel tell Giles that The Powers That Be said that Buffy wasn't meant to die so soon. He made a deal with them ensuring this. Therefore, her death wasn't meant to be and we should be able to do a resurrection spell to correct it."



"Willow, maybe Buffy's in a h-h-happier place. A place where she doesn't need to fight Demons every night." Tara wanted Willow to consider all scenarios. Even if what Willow was saying was true, they needed to know where Buffy was now. They couldn't just do anything without knowing all the consequences, that wasn't how magic was supposed to be used.



"But what if she's not? What if she's somewhere like Pylea or worse?" Willow immediately regretted her statement, even before she saw Tara flinch. She didn't want to hurt Tara or remind the blonde of her past. It was a vow she had kept ever since she gave her the charm bracelet. "I'm sorry, I…I know you think that magic is not something that should be wielded so easily, but I'm not proposing using it for my benefit. It wasn't Buffy's time and I need your help. I know you're still frightened to use Magic, but the spells we've done…they've made us stronger, more in tune. That's real and I'm real and what I'm feeling for you is…"



Both Tara and Anya were hanging on every word and when Willow stopped and looked away abruptly, Anya finally understood what was going on and could finally explain the weird vibe in the air; it was unresolved sexual tension. It was so thick, she could almost feel it and she knew it was almost hindering them. Anya really missed all these feelings of love and lust that Xander use to churn up in her. Unfortunately, the feeling in the air had nothing to do with her and she needed to clear them for her own sanity.



"God! The both of you are just too funny. You'd have to be blind, deaf and well, deader than Buffy to not notice the looks and touches that have been going on. Get on with it already." She turned to Willow and grabbed her arm. "You're attracted to her. Yes she's a girl and has breasts, so what…I think it's a great idea and besides it would convince me once and for all that you're over Xander. Just tell her you like her. It's obvious she likes you. You can practically see the neon sign."



Willow didn't know what to do. She could see Tara staring back at her, her blue eyes were wide and the expression on her face was unreadable. So Willow decided to make the one decision that felt so right compared to every decision she had ever made in her entire life. She pulled her hand out of Anya's grip and took a step forward. Willow was glad to see Tar still standing there with the same unreadable expression, but there was a slight lop-sided smile dancing on her lips, so Willow took another step that brought her close enough to Tara that she could feel her warm breath. She softly whispered the words before leaning in and gently brushing her lips against Tara's.



Tara knew what Willow was going to do even before the redhead fully decided. It wasn't that she could read minds, but Willow's aura had completely enveloped her, making her feel special and loved and even if Willow didn't utter the words, she would have known the redhead's intent. But Willow did, and they were echoing in her head, ' I love you' , even as the kiss deepened and made her feel things she only dreamt about.



Anya was feeling hot; she thought that making Willow admit her feelings would clear the air and she wouldn't be reminded of sexual tension, or sex for that matter, but things had backfired tremendously. Doing favors never worked out for her. The feeling of attraction and love was even more overt now that Willow was macking on the blonde girl. Anya idly wondered if they even needed to breathe. Maybe if they fainted, she'd at least be able to give them mouth to mouth…Oh God! She wasn't inclined that way was she? She never really considered it but Willow and Tara looked really hot and she really needed to have sex with Xander soon and if that entailed raising Buffy from the dead, then it was something she would help with. "Maybe…" Anya was surprised that she was going to agree with Willow. If what Willow was saying was true, it would go a long way in healing everyone. "Maybe, we can…Xander's been so broken since, well, since it happened. He's not even Xander anymore, he's just a beer drinking Xander shaped thing. If bringing Buffy back can help, well, it's something to think about, but the magics involved, they're seriously dangerous."



Willow realized that Anya was talking, but she really couldn't make out the words. All her senses were concentrated to exactly one point of focus and nothing could distract her. Only when Tara pulled away to take a breath did she once again take note of her surroundings and Anya's presence. The ex-demon was smirking as she repeated her previous comment.



"Dangerous magics, yeah…" Willow needed to touch Tara, but didn't want to alert Anya to that, so she slowly inched her way to her left only to smile in relief when she felt Tara's hand gripping her own. "I was thinking that we could invoke Osiris and plead for him to intervene."



Both Tara and Anya knew of the God as well as the basic specifics of the spell, but it was Anya who remembered that bargaining with Osiris required the promise of a soul. "Willow, you can't do that! Osiris's intervention requires a blood sacrifice and a soul in lieu. He never gives up what is rightfully his, unless he gets something in return. Even if Buffy wasn't suppose to die, he would expect the service of a soul for the time until her death."



Willow knew that and initially had never considered it a problem. She would have gladly given up her soul to right a wrong that she created. But things could change so fast and in the past five minutes, she finally realized and admitted to herself that her soul, her entire being, belonged to Tara. The woman holding her hand deserved all that she was and more, and she couldn't offer only part of herself to the blonde.



"Any soul?" Tara's soft voice cut through the night and made Anya and Willow look up. It was a valid question and Willow was impressed with it.



Anya wasn't sure what Tara was trying to get at though, "What do you mean, any soul?"



"Well, if the spell requires a soul, must it be the s-soul of the spellcaster ?"



Willow smiled when she answered, Tara was brilliant. "No, but the person promising the soul must perform the blood sacrifice, so..."



"So" Tara decided to continue, she knew that Anya still had not caught on, but Willow was following her train of thought, "So, if Spike did the sacrifice, it would be his soul that is offered."



Anya finally caught on and was also smiling in amazement, "and since he's currently not using his soul, on account that it got kicked out by the Demon currently residing in his body, Osiris gets his soul and everyone wins."



Willow felt a shiver go through Tara when Anya finished the details and wondered why. Perhaps the blonde was still unsure of the spell, but her idea was brilliant and it just had to work. Tara squeezed Willow's hand and moved closer. She didn't want warmth, but instead needed the protectiveness of Willow's aura surrounding the both of them and mingling with her own. When Anya finished with the explanation, the one word that leapt out was Demon and she wondered if her own soul was still there, or if the demon she was harboring had forced it out. Maybe that was what attracted the portal to Pylea to open in front of her.



"Sweetie, it's getting kinda cold out. Maybe we should go back in and Anya can call Xander to pick her up." Willow was thinking that if Tara was really cold, she could probably come up with a couple of methods to warm her up but she could see Anya once again smirking, so she yanked her thoughts back to the issues at hand. "We should tell the others of this soon, but we need to see if we have all the things necessary to carry out the spell in the first place. We need an urn of Osiris."



"Well, if you're not too busy well….I was going to say something… but maybe the both of you should just stay in tomorrow. I have been buying some Magic Box supplies from one of the bidding sites on e-bay and I think I may be able to get one there, but it may cost us."



"We'll get to the cost when we have to and… thanks, Anya for everything." Willow knew that Anya could have made any number of snide comments then. Despite the love that she knew Xander felt for Anya, the current situation caused him to question his worth and be less than who he was. It was affecting their relationship and Anya was struggling to hold the both of them together. It wasn't something that should have happened, as any relationship needed to be kept alive by both parties. She knew that she should have talked to Xander sooner so, made a promise to call him tomorrow and talk to him then. In the meantime, Willow also realized that she had taken a big step. Admitting her feelings to Tara took a great leap of faith, and it was one which made her question the charm spell she did. Maybe in addition to talking to Xander, she needed to talk to Tara, as well. So many things to think about, but at least things were looking up. But tonight, she

[Jae]

I'm sorry! I'm a bad bad beta! I was actually just working on it, and have been teh past couple of days, but my computer decided to crash halfway throught it was BAD and so the beta-age is not done and now it's all posted and I'm so very very sorry and I will get the new one done soon, it's just that the last one was long and wonderful (!) but now I'm behind and bad, and I apologize. *deep breath* Now that was a run on sentence.



I'm sorry for any mistakes, folks. They are my fault, not Jomarch's, cause I was just too darn slow as a beta. I will endeavor to do better the next time (assuming I'm not disowned for the badness...)



And uh... Jomarch? If you just posted, this, you must be online.. so maybe come on yahoo?



Anyways, apologies. I'm working on the next section, then.



Jae

[mollyig]

Oh-oh, Warren has started plotting, and now he knows Buffy is out of the way, albeit not temporarily as he suspects.



For a while there I thought Cordelia was going to ruin the tentative relationship between our girls, but I'm glad she could see that Tara needed to talk.



Andrew and Jonathon hiding in a closet? Heh!



Willow and Tara both afraid to talk about what they were feeling for each other. Luckily, Anya has no qualms about getting to the point!

Adding up the total of a love that's true, multiply life by the power of two
Indigo Girls