New Fic - Worst Nightmare

[KiwiAlcyone]

Title: Worst Nightmare

Author: Alcy

Rating: PG-13 all the way, I'll warn ahead if it changes.

Disclaimer: The characters of Willow, Tara, Buffy, Xander, Dawn, Anya and Spike etc aren’t mine, they belong to TPTB, I’m just playing with them for a bit. Also a warning: Angst level is going to get quite high.

Summary: This fic begins directly after Season Six Episode ‘Tabula Rasa’ and explores my view on what would happen if Tara didn’t leave Willow at this point. Deals with how the magic addiction as seen in ‘Smashed and ‘Wrecked’ would play out if Tara was there along. Be ready for much angst people! However, not only do we have to deal with Willow's addiction but also the Scoobies latest Sunnydale menace! Get ready for pancakes, warlocks, omnipotent vampires, general hell on earth, Buffy, Spike - all your favourite main characters from season six and of course much W/T schmoochies...much fun, I guarantee it

Feedback: Most welcome



Worst Nightmare







Chapter One



Willow drew her knees closer to her chest, hugging them with her arms as though that would put an end to the sobs shaking her body. The walls of the bathroom seemed to be closing in on her, suffocating and she willed that they would fall and crush her.



“God what is wrong with you?” Willow flinched even now when she remembered Tara’s harsh words the previous evening.



Tara thought that she was wrong…her Tara, her everything thought she was wrong. In just one sentence Tara had managed to tear a great gaping hole in her heart that refused to close. Willow had never understood why Tara was always on her back about the amount of magick she was using, always nagging, trying to curb what came so naturally to Willow. Why would you even want to curb something that could be used to help so many people? All she wanted to do was help, save as many people as she could from hurt and suffering. Buffy…Tara…all her friends. Willow knew she had the power to do it. Before she had discovered the magicks, she was just plain old Willow. Back then her helpfulness had been limited to whatever she could do on her computer or as ‘old reliable’ taping Biography every Friday. Now she had power…and wasn’t it a good thing? However, if it was a good thing then why did everything turn out so radically different from what she had intended? Why was Tara leaving her when it was magic that had brought them together in the first place? The only answer that kept repeating over and over in her head was that Tara would never be able to understand how it felt to have the power to really do something about people’s problems and how very necessary it was to possess that power. However, for all her reasoning, it was an answer Willow drew absolutely no comfort from.



*****



Tara clumsily folded the shirt in her trembling hands into something that resembled a scrunched up shirt and placed it in the box on the bed. She started to move to the chest of drawers when a feeling of finality hit her like a brick. ‘Leaving’…all of a sudden Tara hated the word with a passion and what it meant for her relationship with Willow. Was it over…like totally, irreconcilably over? Her legs suddenly turned to custard and gave out on her completely as she flopped onto the edge of the bed. She put her elbows on her knees, resting her head in her heads. Wearily Tara rubbed her temples as if the act of rubbing would make everything go away and they would forget this. She stifled a rueful smile…Willow had already done that to her once.



“I don’t need magic, I don’t, let me prove it to you okay, I will go a month without doing any magic. I wont do a single spell I swear…” and she had said it would be so easy to stop, like she was giving up something trivial and not nearly so addictive as her magicks.



All Willow had proved to Tara was her capacity to hurt her lover even further, to lie, to betray. The path to self-destruction all too clearly paved. However, even with the score mounting up against Willow, Tara knew that if she walked out she would be removing the one thing that stood between Willow and an incredibly dark place. A dark place that someone with a soul as inherently good as Willow’s did not belong no matter what they had done. She was gripped by awful images of Willow suffering and in pain. Just the mere thought of it caused her to choke back a sob. At that instant Tara knew she would die before she let Willow go anywhere near that place.



*****



Willow finally managed to drag herself up from the floor. She walked to the basin and bent down and splashed her face liberally under the faucet, shivering slightly as the cool water hit her flushed skin. It rinsed away the tears that had streaked her face but not the rank feeling that encased her heart. Like a zombie she stumbled back into the room she had shared with her lover, her life. More than anything, she dreaded the gut wrenching feeling she knew would come with Tara’s absence. However, knowing she deserved every rotten feeling of guilt and betrayal that came her way meant that she needed to face it.



Despite all her resolve, Willow was still unprepared for the sight that greeted her when finally returned to the bedroom. She stopped in the doorway and had to grip the doorframe with both hands to stop herself from keeling over as the blood rushed to her head. Tara was still there…



She was sitting on the edge of the bed, staring blankly at a box full of awkwardly piled clothes that lay at her feet. She looked up slowly when she noticed Willow in the doorway and her features hardened into a mask, not of revulsion as Willow might have expected, but resolve. It tool a few moments for Willow to remember how to talk and even then, it wasn’t very coherent…even for Willow.



“You packed…there’s a box…which means you’re leaving, aren’t you leaving? A box usually means leaving.”



All Willow could think about was Tara leaving, instead of rejoicing in the fact that she was still here. She knew full well that it was because Tara had no reason to stay after what she had done to her. Any thoughts of Tara staying wouldn’t register in her coherent thoughts. Yet another part of her mind was screaming at her to rush over and throw herself at Tara’s feet as she desperately begged her forgiveness. Willow wanted to assure Tara that she would never ever use magic again, or hurt her in such a way. Even in her present state, Willow still knew that all the sincerity she possessed wasn’t enough to convince Tara of such promises, no matter how heartfelt they were.



Tara didn’t reply to her question immediately, probably because she knew that whatever words tumbled out of Willow’s mouth first were bound to make very little sense. She didn’t realise how hard it would be to look at Willow after what she had done. Usually it was so easy, Tara never needed an excuse to gaze at her love unashamedly. Whether it was while she was slightly flushed as she was late and scurrying to get ready for a class, serenely asleep in the moonlight or bathed in a coat of sweat while Tara was making love to her...she was always beautiful and complete. Now the images came scattered, fragmented, a delicate face framed by red hair which still clung damply in places from where she had splashed her face with water, teary green eyes staring from amongst a scattering of freckles and her lips…lips. Tara tore her gaze away when unbidden thoughts of sweeping Willow into her arms and claiming those lips fiercely crept over her.



Wrenching her legs out of their frozen state, Willow crossed to the bed and sat beside Tara. Not too close as though to invade her space, but not too far as though to deny the hope she dared to feel. Minutes passed, Willow and Tara barely moved a muscle save to brush an errant strand of hair, or smooth a non-existent clothing wrinkle. It was not an uncomfortable silence, but nor was it the loving silence they previously enjoyed sharing.



Tara just wanted to curl up and go to sleep with Willow in her arms; surely they could talk about this tomorrow?



Willow just wanted to apologise…she had to have Tara’s forgiveness in order to feel whole again.



“Willow,” Tara finally spoke up at the precise moment that Willow whispered, “Tara.”



“You first,” they both said in unison, followed by matching awkward smiles.



Seeing that they were having no luck with words, Tara reached out and cupped Willow’s cheek, rubbing the soft skin gently with her thumb. Willow reached up and placed her hand over Tara’s as she felt tears burning her eyes again. They looked up and into each other’s eyes; it was as thought they were looking into a mirror when they found an expression of pain in the other’s eyes to match what they were feeling inside. Pain that would not be fixed by any infinite number of words. A pain that would either be healed by the passage of time or intensified by it. For the moment they could only deal with their immediate concerns.



“You’re not leaving?” Willow asked softly, impassively.



“I’m not leaving,” Tara replied.



“W-why?” Willow choked the word out, trying to restrain any remotely joyous feelings.



Willow watched as Tara’s soulful sapphire eyes filled with tears before the blonde withdrew her hand and ducked her head as she bit her lip to keep from sobbing aloud. Tara composed herself, drawing in a deep breath before meeting Willow’s eyes once more.



“Because Willow, you complete me,” Tara spoke evenly, “I just know if I walk out that door I’ll be leaving a part of me behind…and it’s the part I want to hold on to more than anything.”



“But what about the magicks?” Willow had to ask it even though she knew it could ruin everything.



Tara sighed, “I won’t let that tear us apart, I love you and will do whatever it takes to help you. Right now…that means staying with you…even though…”



“Even though I betrayed your trust…violated you twice…” Willow whispered, her voice tinged with shame.



“Will, I love you alright, now stop it with the self-loathing already. What’s done is done and however wrong it was, I don’t want you to spend the rest of your life hating yourself for it…or trying to make it up to me. We need to step back from where we were in our relationship, start afresh. Not quite clean slate beginning, but a beginning nevertheless.”



Willow managed the tiniest of genuine smiles resulting purely from her love for this woman sitting on the bed beside her who was beautiful in every way possible. She knew with a stab of guilt that it would be a long time before the self-hatred ran its course. It was difficult not to hate herself when she knew that she, Willow, was the one aspect that sullied Tara’s otherwise pure existence. She was the nightmare intruding on what was a very pleasant dream. She felt guilty for just being with Tara…yet Tara loved her. Willow made a tentative move to embrace her lover but Tara quickly held up her hands, stopping her in her tracks. Willow was momentarily hurt but it didn’t take her long to understand where Tara was coming from. These things took time and patience. No matter how much they both wanted a quick resolution to their pain, mostly in the form of steamy and drawn out make-up sex, it wasn’t going to happen.



Tara had always been the stronger of the two when it came to having a clear head and yet she had to fight back the urge to seek out every inch of Willow’s skin with her mouth.



“A beginning Will,” she wiped her sweaty palms on her thighs, “It’s just a beginning."







Chapter Two





“That is one ugly looking oogly-boogly,” Dawn said enthusiastically as she leaned on Xander’s shoulder and pointed to a picture of a particularly wart-encrusted demon, “Whatcha looking at him for, he next on our list of baddies to tackle?”



“Err, no,” Xander replied closing the book and setting it aside, “I was just looking through Anya’s family album.”



Dawn bit her lip and looked anxiously to the counter, hoping the blonde-haired ex-demon hadn’t heard her dig at her uncle or cousin…pet…whatever it was. Luckily Anya was far too engrossed in explaining to Tara the magical properties and potential of the latest shipment of some sort of pickled larvae from Australia. Xander and Dawn watched as Anya babbled about the profit margins while Tara eyed the putrid little lumps of maggot-like flesh with something between revulsion and fascination.



Dawn swallowed quickly and eyed the feather duster lying on a nearby shelf that she had been trying to lose all afternoon. Another few words to the tune of ‘ingesting a teaspoonful every day does wonders for bladder irritations’ from Anya and she seized the duster and marched to the front of the store to give the displays a thorough cleaning. Xander smiled, all the talk of larvae didn’t bother him after all the sights he’d seen in his days as a member of the Scooby gang…too much anyway. He looked across the table to where Willow was tapping away on her laptop. She glanced up at Xander with a quizzical expression.



“I’m not so sure Buffy heard the demon correctly when she said he was going out about the ‘Dawn of Uranus.’ I can’t find any reference to it at all on the net besides very naughty stories that I don’t want to come across again!” Willow announced resolutely and snapped her laptop shut.



“Well, she did have it in a headlock at the time…and his accent was pretty bad…it might be something else…maybe you should ask Buffy again,” Xander looked around the shop, “Speaking of the Buffster, where is she?”



“Oh, she’s out the back giving the punching bag the pummelling it deserves,” Willow waved her hand in the general direction of the training room as she busied herself staring at Tara out the corner of her eye.



“She’s been training a lot lately…like Olympic games standard training, ever since…since Giles went back to London.”



As Xander talked, Willow watched Tara contentedly. It amazed Willow that no matter what Tara was doing, she looked absolutely ravishing. Even as she was now, cautiously reaching into the jar of larvae to extract one with a large pair of tweezers. Willow watched her grimace when she punctured the skin of one, sending a spray of green slime around the sides of the jar.



“Hey, careful with the merchandise!” Anya scolded lightly.



Anya always had a soft spot for the blonde haired witch, Willow often thought she looked upon Tara as something of a pupil when it came to money matters…or maybe an experiment. Willow giggled when Tara pointed out a tiny dollop of slime on Anya’s cheek. Tara looked up and smiled at Willow before returning to her larvae extraction. The red head blushed for what must have been about the millionth time that day. She had blushed that morning when she had seen the curve of Tara’s breast as her robe slipped open after her shower, when their fingers had brushed during a class, when Tara’s breath fell lightly on her cheek as she leaned over Willow to look at the screen of her laptop. The last few days had been almost like falling in love all over again. Willow was so blissfully content in the knowledge that Tara loved her she hadn’t even thought about magic. Suddenly she was hit in the arm with a paper dart and looked up back to Xander with mock indignation on her face.



“Earth to Rosenburg, come in Rosenburg,” Xander made a beep-bop sound, trying to mimic a Star Trek-like communication sound, and then he did a high pitched girly voice, “Errr sorry Captain Kirk, I was just closely examining a Tara constellation.”



Willow looked apologetically at her childhood friend and picked up on his line of conversation, “Yeah, she hasn’t been around all that much lately…patrolling to the small hours of the morning. Whenever she is around she hasn’t said a lot. I mean, I can understand her being pissed at me because, hello, memory wiping and such but Dawnie notices it too. Yeah, worried.”



“What do you say we make a donut and coffee run. You look like you could do with some cool evening air and we all need a caffeine fix. Including our resident ‘insectologists’ over there.”



“Did you say something honey?” Anya asked not looking up from her inventory list where she was hastily scribbling money related notes.



“I’ll have a mocha and one of those donuts with the candy sprinkles,” Tara looked up from poking and prodding the bug.



Willow smiled warmly and stood up, stretching, “I’ll just pop out back and see if Buffy wants anything. She’s bound to want some sugary goodness.”



Willow wandered out back to the training room but before she had even walked through the door she had a suspicion that Buffy was no longer in there. She couldn’t hear any sounds of fists or feet striking the punching bag with Buffy-like intensity. Her eyes came to rest on an empty training room with no evidence that Buffy had even been there recently save for a scrunched up towel on the floor and a water bottle.



“No Buff?” Xander asked when she walked back into the store.



“Nope, must’ve gotten antsy and went patrolling.”



“Without telling us?” Dawn had moved back to the rear of the store when she heard her much absent older sister being mentioned by the gang, “She’s normally big with the telling…you know, so we know and stuff…in case she wants back up.”



“I’m sure she’s fine Dawnie,” Tara put aside her bug squeezing and crossed the floor to hug her surrogate little sister, “She’s just been needing a lot of space lately. C’mon, I show you what the larvae does when it comes into contact with water…it’s really cool.”



Dawn looked less than enthusiastic about the suggestion but allowed herself to be led over to the counter as Xander and Willow exchanged slightly nervous frowns. Willow sighed and picked up her jacket from where it was hanging on the back of her chair. Buffy was her best friend, they talked about anything. Yet ever since her resurrection, Buffy had distanced herself from Willow…unwilling to share her feelings despite Willow’s sympathetic ear. It seemed to Willow that between working things out with Tara and helping Buffy to adjust to being back that she had her work cut out for her. Willow wasn’t too daunted by either task, little moments with Tara made everything worthwhile, everything seemed so much easier and less frightening. They would help Buffy, that’s what the Scooby gang did.



*****



“You seemed a little tense after Buffy left this evening,” Tara was sitting on the bed brushing her hair as Willow tucked herself into bed much later that night.



Willow propped herself up on one elbow, “I’m just so worried about Buffy…I’m a little scared by the thought that she doesn’t want to be here…I mean…it hurts here.”



Tara nodded, “I feel the same way too…it does hurt and yet that’s why we’ve got each other…”



She paused for a few moments and the two witches shared a look they had become quite accustomed to sharing over the past few days. The look that said ‘I will always be there for you…no matter what.’



Tara continued, “…Xander, Anya, Dawnie, you…the Scoobies are family. Buffy knows we’re here for her.”



Willow nodded slightly and yet none the less resolutely. She would make sure that Buffy knew that…although not in the magic-fixes-everything kind of way she had become so used to resorting to. Right now though, it was her girlfriend that was foremost on her mind. She watched Tara finished brushing her hair, thinking how incredibly sexy she looked doing such a simple act. When Tara set down her brush on the bedside table and joined Willow under the covers, she looked across to see her girlfriend starting at her intently.



“What?” Tara asked softly.



“You’re awfully pretty,” Willow replied with a hint of flirtatiousness in her voice.



“Are you trying to sweet talk me Miss Rosenburg?”



“Nope,” Willow lied rather blatantly.



“C’mere you,” Tara extended an arm and Willow wasted no time in snuggling into Tara’s side.



Willow felt her tenseness melt away and her body relax as Tara enfolded her into her arms and ever so gently drew her backwards until they were both lying on the bed, warmth flowing between their bodies. Willow laid her head on Tara’s chest, listening to the steady thump-thump of her heartbeat and felt more relaxed than she had in a long time. There was a comfort in knowing that she was in a space where everything was perfect. There was so much love reflected in the simple act of lying next to her soul mate. A love that expressed itself just by the mere act of being.



“Tara?” Willow whispered as her head rose and fell slightly with Tara’s gentle breathing.



“Yeah Will?” came Tara’s sleepy response, punctuated by a small yawn and accompanied by her thumb lightly caressing Willow’s forearm.



“I need to ask you something really important…promise you won’t laugh at me?” Willow nuzzled against Tara’s chin.



“You know I’d never laugh at you…unless you deserved it of course,” Tara’s voice was tinged with a hint of the serious, despite being of a jovial tone overall.



“Can I have chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast tomorrow?” Willow asked in her most serious, big-favour-to-ask voice and added a loving hug to further help her cause.



“Go to sleep Will,” Tara grinned in the darkness and nestling her chin on Willow’s forehead.



Willow grumbled something inaudible but even Tara’s light chastening failed to put a damper on her snuggling efforts as she burrowed both furthered under the covers and even closer to her lover. Tara kissed the top of her head lightly and reached over to turn the bedside lamp off. For a few moments only the sounds of the two of them breathing were heard in the darkness.



“Does this mean I can have ‘em?” Willow piped up in an almost asleep whisper.



“It depends whether you shut up and let me go to sleep sweetie.”



“Kay, shutting up, quiet, asleep girl…” Willow whispered earnestly, “Shutting up, want…the chocolate chip…”



Willow’s breathing slowed as she fell asleep in mid sentence. Tara was left to continue lightly rubbing Willow’s arm, uttering a small prayer to keep her Willow’s sleep free of nightmares. Little did Tara know she desperately needed to say one for herself.



TBC

Edited by: KiwiAlcyone  at: 5/14/04 11:25 pm

[allykat]

I'm liking this so much already!! Great job!

Quote:

---

Tara was left to continue lightly rubbing Willow’s arm, uttering a small prayer to keep her Willow’s sleep free of nightmares. Little did Tara know she desperately needed to say one for herself.

---

This sounds ominous... Update soon-ish??

[maudmac]

Alcy, wow, this is great. You write the characters really well. I'm anxious to see why Tara will be needing to've said a prayer for herself. Intriguing!



Thanks!

---

go         donut           go

[sam darls]

Wow..this is amazing..I love it. I think it's really beautiful, and you show the emotion so well. Can't wait for more Love sammi xx

"Sometimes things happen between people that you don't really expect. And sometimes the things that are important are the ones that seem the weirdest or the most wrong. And those are the ones that change your life." - Jessie Sammler (Evan Rachel Wood)

[TaraBaby77]

What an amazing story!!! I love it.... Okay, need more!!! =)

Aaron

'TaraBaby77'

[KiwiAlcyone]

Thanks so much for your comments and for reading. I'll try to update this fic as often as I can, which isn't proving to be too hard because I'm having heaps of fun writing it!



Chapter Three



Willow was struggling so hard she thought she would burst…but it seemed as though her very best efforts were completely futile when the corners of her mouth eventually tugged upwards in a very recognisable grin. As though she sensed it happening, Tara whirled around from where she had been standing guard over the frying pan and waved her spatula at Willow as though it were a sabre.



“Willow Rosenberg, wipe that cheeky little, I-knew-it type smirk off your face and eat your breakfast or you’ll be late for class,” although sounding motherly, Tara’s tone was anything but…it was more along the lines of flirty, “And save some for Dawn and Buffy.”



Willow grinned even more broadly as she liberally applied syrup to her chocolate chip pancakes and began eating with great gusto. This was so definitely a million times better than any forgetting spell. It was almost as though what happened was a dim memory instead of mere days ago and everything had almost returned to normal. Best of all, Willow had no residual guilt feelings about casting dark magic on her girlfriend. She did however suspect magic of a kind had been cast…but not of the black or even white variety. It all came straight from the soul of the young woman standing on the other side of the kitchen. Willow was fairly bubbling on the inside as she watched Tara move around the kitchen…goddess, the woman was even gorgeous when she was doing the dishes!



“Baby, you so have to let me cook you dinner for the next week to make up for this,” Willow shovelled another forkful of pancake into her mouth, “Thish ish so good.”



“Hun, don’t talk with your mouth full, it’s not very flattering,” Tara laughed lightly



Willow did a little mock salute and quickly swallowed her latest mouthful before she asked, “Did you hear Buffy come home last night?”



Tara shook her head, it seemed that neither witch had heard the Slayer come in from her nights patrol. Willow eyed the stack of pancakes sitting all too close to her and wondered guiltily if she could steal another one. She didn’t think she possessed the stealthy touch to pull off her heist right under Tara’s nose. Besides, she didn’t want to ruin the way things were going between them with a stolen pancake.



Willow settled back to enjoy her breakfast and the alone time with her girlfriend. However something was bothering her so intently it almost put her off eating the rest of her pancakes altogether. It was just so incredibly wrong! Willow drew in a shallow breath and tried to curb her impulses by thinking how yummy her pancakes were…which only made matters worse. It was too much for the redheaded Wiccan to control herself any longer. With a degree of resolution that fully outweighed the gravity of the situation Willow set down her knife and fork so solidly it caused Tara to spin around with a worried frown on her face.



“Pancakes not good?” she inquired anxiously.



Willow didn’t respond, instead she moved around the kitchen bench to stand right next to Tara. Feeling incredibly bold, Willow placed her arm around Tara’s waist and drew their bodies slowly into full contact with one another. Willow examined Tara’s face intently to see if there were any signals for her to put a quick stop to her actions but all she found was surprise…and maybe a little desire. Willow tentatively reached up and placed her hand on the back of Tara’s neck. Their breathing intensified, matching each other precisely as green eyes stared into blue.



“Willow, what are you doing?” I don’t think this is such a good idea,” but Tara’s breathing indicated otherwise.



“You have pancake mixture on your nose,” Willow whispered before ever so gently licking the offending little blob off the aforementioned nose with a deft flick of her tongue, “It was all sexy and stuff.”



A shiver coursed through Tara’s body at the contact, she tried to keep a cool head, “Would you have done the same thing if I had been the one with larvae goop on my cheek last night?”



Willow grinned, “Errrrr, ummm, you know how much I love you right?”



Willow’s grin gradually changed into a contented smile as the two witches simply gazed at one another. Tara placed her hands on Willow’s back, caressing ever so slightly. In those glorious moments she found herself staring at the Willow who first loved her back when she thought she was invisible. Tara felt like she had before the magicks started undermining their relationship, before she began to feel that she could no longer trust Willow’s judgment.



Then Tara felt everything turn to custard as Willow pressed her lips to hers. It felt like their first kiss, so hesitant they were almost pulling away and yet so intimate nothing else existed in all the world. A tiny, involuntary whimper escaped Tara’s mouth when Willow’s tongue slowly entered. Tara felt as though her knees were going to give way beneath her if it wasn’t for Willow’s presence. She was still struggling to accept that Willow was actually in her arms, hands cupping her face with the utmost tenderness.



There was no telling where things might have gone if a certain Vampire Slayer had not chosen that very moment to arrive home. Willow secretly thought it could have gone as far as licking pancake syrup from places a little lower than Tara’s nose but there was the fact they were in the kitchen…and they didn’t live alone. Two witches covered head to toe in pancake syrup probably wasn’t the sight Buffy wanted to greet her when she entered her kitchen.



“Buffy, hey,” Willow and Tara spoke in unison with matching awkward smiles as they disentangled themselves from each others arms and returned to their previous activities.



“You two don’t need to stop on my account,” Buffy was of course pleased to see Willow and Tara on such intimate terms with one another after everything that had happened, “By all means keep going.”



Willow’s eyebrows rose at Buffy’s last statement and she stole a quick glance across the bench at Tara as she polished off the last of her pancakes.



“Don’t even think about it,” Tara mouthed silently after Buffy had turned her back on the two to rummage in the fridge.



Willow shook her head quickly to assure Tara the thought would never ever have crossed in mind.



“So Buffy, patrol must have been eventful, you were out all night,” Willow turned her attention to her best friend.



Buffy turned around from the fridge where she had been munching on leftover pizza and said a little too brightly, “Not really, I just felt like…staying out, y’know.”



Willow desperately wanted to give the Slayer a grilling as to exactly why she felt it necessary to stay out all night and worry her friends to death but she knew it wasn’t the best time. It seemed to the redhead that way too much extra patience was required in every aspect of her life at that point in time. She wanted to be able to have hot, steamy sex with her girlfriend…but it wasn’t the right time and she wanted to grill her best friend as to why she had been so distant lately…but it wasn’t the right time for that either. Thinking about time made Willow glance up at the clock and she saw she really ought to be leaving for class.



“Oh Buff,” she turned to the Slayer as she deposited her plate in the sink, “We were wondering last night about the phrase you said that demon used the other night?”



“Huh?” Buffy racked her brain, trying to remember.



“Y’know, the Dawn of Uranus,” Willow helpfully supplied.



Buffy snorted, choking back a laugh, “Yeah I remember, what about it. Did you guys find something last night?”



“No…we were wondering whether you heard him wrong. I couldn’t find anything about the Dawn of Uranus on the net…nothing relevant anyhow.”



“And we had no luck with the books either,” Tara added.



“Um, let me remember,” Buffy pursed her lips together in concentration, “He said something about just waiting until the Dawn of Uranus was found and then I’d be sorry…and dead, heh…like that hasn’t happened before! You know…the usual…but then he got dead.”



“How can you possibly look for a dawn…unless they really want one of those stories on the net,” Willow looked a the bemused expression on the Slayer’s face and shook her head, “Don’t ask…I gotta run.”



“I’ll see what I can find out tonight,” Buffy promised as Willow grabbed her book bag, “Speaking of Dawns, is the sister one ready? Dawn!”



The teenager breezed into the kitchen seconds later and grabbed a pancake, “Running late, see you all later.”



Willow planted a quick kiss on Tara’s cheek before she too was gone. Buffy slumped exhaustedly into a chair and placed her head in her hands. She saw no reason to keep up her cheery façade in front of the blonde witch. Tara stood in front of Buffy leaning her elbows on the bench top.



“Rough night huh?”



“You might say that yeah,” Buffy replied as she stared at the pancakes, “Do those pancakes have chocolate chips in them…cos if Willow doesn’t know what’s best for her and ever lets you go then you can be my girlfriend.”



Tara couldn’t help but smile at Buffy’s attempt at levity, she knew something was up with the Slayer. She could sense Buffy wanting to talk about it and yet her reluctance was keeping her silent. Silence had been a trademark with the Slayer of late.



“So are things going well between you and Willow then, unless my eyes were very much mistaken.”



“It’s just a beginning Buffy…and it’s only been a few days,” Tara was cautious, trying not to let the lope she felt filter into her voice, “But yeah…things are going well.”



“So the magicks and stuff…” Buffy began.



“Much, much too early,” Tara said softly.



After Buffy had excused herself to retire for a few hours rest, Tara allowed herself a moment’s quiet reflection. It was very true that things were all sweetness and light at that point in time but their lives were also uncharacteristically uncomplicated. They were operating in an environment of domestic bliss, pancakes, coffee after class and research side by side in the evenings. Things would be fine if that was all there was to life. Unfortunately their lives were in Sunnydale…on the Hellmouth, their resident neighbours being vampires and demons. Tara had a feeling that despite sounding like the title of bad net porn, the Dawn of Uranus was something they ought to be paying a little more attention to.



*****

Buffy found herself having a close encounter with the tombstone of one ‘Maximilian Carrington, beloved husband of…’, well she didn’t get to find out exactly who as a vamp grabbed her from behind and threw her backwards several meters.



“Slaying days are almost over Slayer,” the vamp was somewhat overambitious, made all the more annoying by the fact that he insisted on wearing a long leather duster similar to Spike’s.



“Just working out the kinks Bumpy,” Buffy kicked to her feet and shook her head slightly as she re-focused.



The vampire growled and lunged but in his over-enthusiasm it was all too easy for Buffy to dodge as he overshot her and deliver a spinning kick to his nether regions.



“Or should that be Spanky?” Buffy was just getting warmed up.



She danced around him, he was a slightly overweight vampire and if he could still breathe she had not doubt he would be puffing with all his exertion. She unleashed a combo on his upper body when he got too close to her again and he foolishly tripped over the hem of his coat. The vamp scrambled backwards on all fours to try and get out of the Slayers reach as she drew a stake from the inside of her coat.



“Wait, wait!” he held up his hands in supplication, eyeing the stake in Buffy’s hand like it was a herald of doom…which of course it was.



Buffy raised her eyebrows as she stopped the downward arc of the stake just centimetres above the vamp’s heart. He lifted himself up on his elbows and eyed her warily, especially the stake.



“I have information you might be interested in Slayer, if you don’t turn me into dust that is,” he tried to put on an important sounding voice.



Buffy remembered her promise to Willow that morning, “If it doesn’t concern the Dawn of Uranus then I’m not interested.”



The vamp’s eyes widened and he let out an audible squeak, “I don’t know what you’re talking about…Uranus? What? No, this is good trust me…it’s the rage in all the evil circles at the moment!”



“Circles…you guys have evil circles now?” Buffy quipped, “If you don’t know anything about the Dawn then…”



“No, no…c’mon Slayer…the Horn…the Horn of Janus!” his voice had risen to a high-pitched squeak.



Buffy was stopped in mid stabbing motion for the second time and grabbed the vamp by the scruff of his sequined shirt, “What did you say?”



“The Horn of Janus…it’s big, they’ve been looking for it for ages and when they get it you’ll be sorry Slayer.”



“Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard all that before. Now tell me who ‘they’ are and what this horn thingee is for?” Buffy was suddenly interested…although she was also a little pre-occupied with wondering how on earth she had gotten the name so wrong…and so very wrong sounding!



“They are the most powerful cadre of vampires to come to Sunnydale in a long time, I’d be very worried if I were you Slayer…Eric the Dark and his consort Eleanor…Marcus…Ulrich the Dismemberer,” Buffy stifled a grin, she had heard of none of the vamps he was listing so they didn’t exactly instil fear into her heart, the vamp continued, “And the Horn will make them…us invincible!”



At the precise moment that shock was registering on Buffy’s features at the thought of invincible vamps running around Sunnydale, the Spike wanna-be kicked upwards and hit Buffy squarely in the chest with the soles of his feet. Buffy grunted and fell backwards as he scrambled to his feet and sprinted away from the Slayer as fast as his stocky little legs would carry him. Buffy kicked to her feet and began chasing him down when all of a sudden the vamp ran straight into a fist that caught him completely unawares. He flew back off his feet a few meters and before Buffy could shout anything, he became a pile o’ dust as a stake was jammed into his heart. Spike emerged from the shadows, twirling the stake in his hand with a self-satisfied smirk.



“No need to thank me all at once Darl’,” he drawled, “Just doing my part.”



Buffy ran over to the cocky dead guy and slammed her palms into his chest, shoving him back a few steps, “Spike you dumb ass!”



Spike looked at Buffy with a slightly bemused expression, “A thanks would have been enough…a kiss at best though would have gone down a treat…but Slayer?”



Buffy groaned in exasperation at the pile of dust that had been her informant and glared at Spike with one of her you’re-so-not-getting-any-loving-so-don’t-even-think-about-it looks. Spike shrugged and shuffled his feet through the pile of dust.



“What’s the big deal…he was just a no-name vamp…had a nice coat though,” Spike adjusted his own collar.



“Spike! He was gonna spill the beans on our latest research project. I had him squirming before you showed up and so not helped.”



“Yeah, you looked like you had everything under control sitting on your arse while he was making his getaway,” Spike chuckled sadistically.



“Just leave me alone Spike, you’ve done enough for one day.”



Spike smiled and crossed the short distance between them to draw Buffy into his arms. Buffy immediately felt a hot surge of lust flow through her body, igniting desired but revolting feelings within her. His hands were firm…strong…



“You know what you want Slayer,” Spike’s voice was so beguiling.



“Unless you can tell me something about the Horn of Janus…I don’t want anything from you Spike. Now piss off.”



Spike shrugged nonchalantly and turned away to return to his crypt, leaving Buffy feeling a little foolish and definitely more than a little unsatisfied. She glanced at her watch and saw it wasn’t late at all; the rest of the Scooby gang would most probably still be at the Magic Box looking for information on the ‘Dawn of Uranus.’ Buffy thought she had better hot foot it back to the store and set them on the right track. Whatever this Horn did, it made a simpering little weakling like the vamp had just dusted feel a heck of a lot stronger by just mentioning it…anything that had the power to do that made her more than a little anxious. She turned and started back towards town at a brisk jog.



*****



Spike watched the Slayer’s back as she ran out of the cemetery and he felt a jangled mess of emotions playing with his mind. That blonde haired bitch never ceased to infuriate him and make him throb with desire at the same time. It certainly wasn’t right for anyone to have that power over William the Bloody…



“The Horn of Janus, of course I know what that is…Slayer, you’ve got your work cut out for you. Maybe you’ll come crawling back to me when your precious little world is crumbling around you and your friends are dead.”



Spike didn’t even want to think about the fact that her friends were very nearly his own friends…as much as it was possible for him to have any. Anya - whom he always had a soft spot for, Red and her bird…and the little bit…Spike realised with a grimace that he didn’t want anything to happen to them. He began pacing back to his crypt, trying to figure out a way to ingratiate himself with the Slayer once more so he could lend a hand to help the Scoobies…except Harris, Xander Harris could rot in hell for all Spike cared.



Chapter Four



Willow’s eyes hurt from staring at her laptop screen for far too long and she paused a moment to take a sip of water. A whole week of searching for the Horn of Janus had returned very little in the way of helpful information. It had been easy to track down the identity of this Janus, being the two-faced Roman god of doorways. They had mountains of information, enough for Roman Mythology 101 and yet none of it seemed to pertain in any way to the present day, even the twisted, warped Sunnydale present day. Willow shuffled among the texts surrounding her on the table before eyeing the copy of ‘Greaves’ Compendium of Roman Mythology in Magic’ at the opposite end of the table with a raised eyebrow. She was about to utter the spell to summon the book to her when Tara walked in the room carrying two fresh cups of coffee. Willow bit her lip before smiling brightly at Tara as she set the steaming liquid on the table next to her.



“Could you pass me the Compendium Tara baby,” Willow took a sip of coffee and sighed with relief as the life infusing drink recharged exhausted batteries.



Tara placed the requested book next to Willow and placed her hands on the redheads sagging shoulders.



“You look beat, found anything new?” Tara rested her chin on the top of Willow’s head and then glanced across to the scribbled notes on the pad at Willow’s elbow, “I see not…this Horn thing is rarer than a Peruvian Scrying stone.”



“A what?” Willow asked opening the book, “Uh, never mind, I guess things are rare for a reason huh?”



“Yeah, the Peruvian stone has the power to alter the future…when things are rarely mentioned in magical texts and the like it is usually because they are very, very dangerous. Or like Glory…too old for the written word..”



Willow reached up and placed her hand over one of Tara’s at the mentioned of the Hell-goddess who had sucked Tara’s brain and left her a gibbering shell of herself. It was one of the events that had Willow realising just how much she loved Tara when she swore she would always look after her, no matter what.



“There’s no even remotely modern mentions of Janus past the Roman era, worship was pretty much dead as early as the early second century AD…no modern cults…no temples of any note anywhere!” Willow said in an exasperated tone, “I’m just coming up with the same stuff over and over again, even that Classical Studies professor I contacted at the university couldn’t tell us anything new.”



“Will, you’ve been at this every spare moment for the past week, put it aside for a bit…step back.”



“We’ve all been working pretty hard…Buffy seems to think it’s a pretty big deal that requires the concentrated efforts of the magnificent Scooby gang. I have to say I’m beginning to disagree with her…unless of course this Horn thingee unleashes the hell dimension of boringness upon us all.”



Tara pressed her cheek against Willow’s, nuzzling tenderly as she slipped a hand down to shut the laptop off. The screen faded to black and Willow saw spots in front of her eyes for a few moments before she realised she had finally been freed from the nights labours. Well…not completely, there was one labour she still had the strength for no matter how tired she was. Willow took Tara’s hand and pulled her around to the side of the chair and then down onto her lap. Tara placed her arms around Willow’s waist with raised eyebrows. With mock sneakiness, Willow stole a quick kiss that she gradually lengthened into a much longer kiss. She whined slightly in frustration when Tara broke free of the kiss.



“Will,” Tara said with a cautionary note attached to her voice, “You know we’re supposed to be taking it slow and all.”



Tara vacated her spot on Willow’s lap and made to move in the direction of the stairs and up to bed. Willow hung her head and felt the smouldering fire that had been kindling inside her dampen instantly.



“Will,” Tara said softly from the door.



Willow glanced back over her shoulder and saw the glorious smile and sparkling blue eyes she had come to love more than oxygen.



“C’mon you frisky little vixen,” Tara extended her hand to Willow who needed very little prompting to leap up and take it.



Tara swept Willow into her arms and kissed her soundly. Willow laughed happily as she nipped Tara on the nose. It had already been far too long…too long without the hands of her lover caressing her naked body, driving her wild with just the barest of touches. Hungrily she found Tara’s lips again and ran her hands over as many curves as possible, feeling out each one as though finding it for the first time. Her hand reached Tara’s breast, cupping the full swell beneath her shirt and stroking with her thumb until she felt the nipple blossom beneath her touch.



“Errr…Will?” Tara managed to gasp during the very short intervals when Willow’s lips left hers.



In order to actually get out a full sentence she had to hold Willow at arms length…a very difficult task indeed considering their combined need for one another. They were both virtually panting, just the feel of Willow’s hot breath on her face was almost making Tara forget where they were in the house.



“Bedroom…Will, our mission is to make it to the bedroom.”



Willow grinned, “Race you up the stairs?”



In a flurry of limbs and with a stampeding of feet that probably woke everyone within a mile’s radius, the two witches tore up the stairs accompanied by carefree laughter and much anticipation.



*****



It was only later, much later as Willow lay cradling her lover in the darkness that she felt an all too familiar sensation creeping up her spine to settle somewhere in her chest. A dull, heavy ache that even the feel of Tara’s warm body lying against hers could do nothing to dispel. The ache slowly became a gnawing hunger consuming her from the inside out. Willow shifted slightly, Tara’s weight pressing on her chest suddenly felt claustrophobic. At that moment, everything about Tara felt claustrophobic. She loved her but god!…the constant surveillance of her magic use was driving Willow completely nuts. Willow knew she had promised Tara she would stop…but she was only now beginning to comprehend how impossible it was to fulfil that promise. Magic was such an integral part of her life, she couldn’t stop it…nor should she stop. It was so necessary. Tara however would not understand if Willow tried to explain so Willow didn’t even try.



She missed the days when she and Tara performed spells together. Often the spells had absolutely no purpose save aesthetics or experimentation with a new magical toy. Willow missed using magic for the sheer fun of it… Willow should have been worried that everything felt as though it was building within her to the point where she needed a release, instead the anticipation was terrifyingly exhilarating. She twisted her neck slightly to look down at Tara sleeping and her felt her heart wrench nauseatingly…she needed something more than this.



TBC

[allykat]

Ohh.. very angsty!!!

Quote:

---

she needed something more than this.

---

Ouch...

I'm really looking forward to what happens next...

[sam darls]

Wow..this was soo good and emotional too. Love sammi xx

"Sometimes things happen between people that you don't really expect. And sometimes the things that are important are the ones that seem the weirdest or the most wrong. And those are the ones that change your life." - Jessie Sammler (Evan Rachel Wood)

[KiwiAlcyone]

Chapter Five



Things became even more unbearable in the following days as a very unsettling calm came over Sunnydale. Constant and fruitless research on the Horn had driven Anya into such a foul mood that even counting the money could do nothing to dispel her tension. Xander was therefore fully occupied placating his fiancé. Even worse, according to Buffy, was that all vampire and demon activity had apparently ceased. The Slayer had been increasingly antsy with nothing to kill and had taken to eating an ever increasing amount of candy to the point where Xander had begun to tease her about cavities. Willow, however, could only think of it as unyielding monotony…period. Her boredom was not going un-noticed either.



Buffy handed Dawn her lunch and then set about cleaning up the kitchen as the teenager ran out the door, late as usual. Wiping the bench top down, Buffy paused to think about Willow’s mood during the past few days. The normally animated and passionate witch had become listless and unresponsive to anyone except Tara with whom she acted as though everything was perfectly normal. This also weirded Buffy out in the sense that she knew Tara would have normally been the first to notice the change in Willow and ask the hard questions. The blonde witch however was far too rapt up in the world she shared with her lover. In their eyes, everything was perfect and Buffy certainly didn’t want to begrudge them the chance to be happy. She couldn’t ignore it though, as someone outside the relationship she could see how uncharacteristically Willow was behaving or how blind Tara was. Buffy faced the unenviable predicament of either leaving her friends be…or telling them to step back and take a look at what they were doing, how irrationally they were both acting.



Buffy figured she’d have the best shot with Tara. While Willow’s good judgment had come into some disrepute of late, Tara usually had such a sensible head on her shoulders.



“Are you trying to say there’s something wrong with Willow?” When Buffy heard the defensive edge to Tara’s voice she was beginning to think that speaking to her wasn’t the best course of action.



“No, of course not,” Buffy held up her hands in a placating gesture, “And…yes, maybe, I’m not sure…I’m worried.”



“She’s doing fine Buffy…we’re doing fine,” Tara placed a strong emphasis on the word ‘we’re’.



“I know, I know…and I’m very happy to see you guys so happy, all with the happy here…well, not quite…I’m a little concerned that Willow’s been acting a little out of the ordinary lately and I think it’s got something to do with the magicks…you know, Willow and the magicks…her little problem.”



Buffy looked at Tara with her best concerned expression on her face, trying to look like she was ready for a serious heart-to-heart. Tara, however, would have none of it.



“Buffy, you know full well that Willow is working through her problem, controlling it. Your suspicion and mistrust of her is only going to make things even more difficult for her…god, and you’re supposed to be her best friend…,” Tara stopped mid-sentence when she realised just how much she was ranting, “Sorry Buffy, I guess I’m just getting used to being happy again y’know. I’m doing my best not to let anything disrupt that.”



Buffy managed a tight lipped smiled, “Yeah I know…sorry to be Miss rain-on-the-parade.”



Tara knew Buffy was just concerned but a part of her interpreted the question session as an attack not on Willow, but on herself. Since choosing to stay with Willow rather than force her to face up to her addiction on her own, Tara felt even more responsible for any consequences that might result from the magicks. If Willow slipped, it was as though she slipped as well…and Tara wasn’t about to let that happen.



“That’s alright…but don’t worry so much about Willow, I’m there for her, I always will be…and so are you…all the gang are. She’ll be fine….she’s strong.”



*****



Hugging her books to her chest, Willow walked home after class that day alone. Tara had a late night class and Willow wanted to take the opportunity to repay the chocolate chip pancake making by cooking a fantastic meal. Since there was always just a little bit of magic required when Willow cooked, she had to make sure she was well home before Tara. Who ever really enjoyed peeling potatoes the hard way?



Enjoying her walk in the cool dusk, Willow was suddenly stopped short when she sensed something odd. While magical occurrences in Sunnydale were not at all out of the ordinary, when Willow felt an invisible tug pulling her in a certain direction she was justifiably apprehensive. Still, with a certain amount of determination and more than a little fascination she began moving in the general direction.



The fact the night was falling or that she had wandered a few blocks into the more unsavoury part of Sunnydale did not seem to worry Willow as much as it should have. All her use of the magicks, her growing dependence on them to make her feel more useful and to distance herself from high school Willow was gradually spiralling to the point where her mind was singularly occupied. It was all about the magicks.



Willow could feel it, a tingly warmth as she stretched out her hand. It was undeniably magic of a strong kind and she felt drawn to it. Inching forward, uncertain of what she would find, Willow gasped when all of a sudden her hand disappeared into thin air. She snatched it back quickly, relieved to find that it was still attached to her wrist. Despite her misgivings, Willow felt a powerful compulsion to move forwards as though everything she ever wanted was to be found on the other side of the barrier. Steeling herself, she took a step forward and then another until the tingly feeling enveloped her completely. Willow fought a momentary surge of panic, flailing wildly with her arms in the few seconds it took to pass through the barrier. She stumbled forwards and found herself no longer in the alley way but in a small, square room. Willow wrinkled her nose in distaste, it was a rank and very dirty waiting room of some sort. The sort of waiting room usually reserved for unlicensed doctors who practised the most unsavoury kind of medicine. Unwashed people lay sprawled or huddled on couches scattered about the room. They had a look about them that chilled Willow to the bone, the vacant, hollow-eyed stare of people who had absolutely no hope whatsoever…save whatever it was they found at this place. Willow wanted to bolt, she had hope…she had the best kind of hope there was, her love for Tara. She didn’t belong here…



At that moment the only door leading from the waiting room opened and a tall man emerged from the darkness within. He had long, unkempt hair and a disfigured face but rather than repel Willow it drew her to him. The other occupants of the room were pleading desperately for his attention but he ignored them all and stared straight at Willow. His eyes bore into her soul for a second before he made a beckoning motion for Willow to follow him into the room. With one last glance over her shoulder at the way she had come in…Willow followed him.



He turned to survey her when the door had clicked shut, looking her up and down but somehow she didn’t think he was checking out her figure but rather something else altogether.



“My name’s Rack…but that’s unimportant, as is your name…what we can do for each other however, that is important,” his voice was like gravel but strangely hypnotic, “I need something from you…to take a little tour.”



He moved to Willow and made to place the palm of his hand on her chest. Willow took a very quick step backwards.



“I-I’m sorry…but I’m gay, I mean…yeah, I’m gay and I’m seeing someone so I can’t…” Willow stuttered.



“Steady on Red, I don’t have that kind of need…nor do people like us need it. What I want is…” he placed his palm on her chest and Willow’s head jerked backwards as a tremendous jolt hit her, “…power.”



Willow felt like she was everywhere at once, a million tiny particles soaring through the air and she made a small noise of disappointment when Rack withdrew his hand.



He licked his lips hungrily and smiled, “Strawberries…you taste like Strawberries. And you have so much to offer…there is a lot I can do for you. What do you want Strawberry?”



“I-I need…” Willow wanted to say she needed Tara, but Tara couldn’t satisfy her in the way she needed, “I need a release…something…it’s just these urges I have, I want something but I don’t know exactly what it is. It’s just something mounting within me…I can’t stop it.”



“Stop? You should never stop Strawberry…I know what you need…,” he took a few steps towards her until he was standing directly in front of her, fully in her space.



Rack waved his hand in from of her eyes and his lips began mouthing a voiceless incantation.



“Wait!” Willow breathed, “Is this dangerous?”



“Black magicks always are Strawberry…and yet they’re the best kind. You still want?”



“I want,” Willow whispered, staring into his eyes.



He began the incantation again and as his hand passed before her, the edges of Willow’s vision came crashing inwards, assaulted by a flurry of tiny little neon lights. A drawn out moan escaped her lips and she fell…



…and kept falling, the floor had fallen away completely. Willow no longer felt her feet firmly planted on the floor but instead…well, she didn’t know where they were. She lay back, like she was floating in space and yet it felt far more like liquid. None of the sensations she was feeling could really be adequately described. All she knew was that it was the most wonderful experience she had ever felt.



*****



Buffy Summers’ spirits were at a very low ebb early that evening. Dawn was at Janice’s for dinner, Tara had a late class and Willow…well, god knows where on earth Willow was. She mushed her microwaved dinner backwards and forwards on her plate, not at all interested in putting any of it into her mouth. Food often seemed so tasteless since…well, ever since she had been brought back from the dead. It saddened her that she had lost the ability to feel much of life. There was life going on all around her and yet she struggled to feel a part of it. Xander and Anya still in the early stages of preparing for their wedding, Willow and Tara seeming so happy in their relationship…Buffy felt she had nothing in comparison. The only time she felt an iota of what they must be feeling was when she was with…with Spike. That scared her more than anything. To feel most alive in the arms of a dead man.



Buffy glanced across at the phone hanging on the wall. Without really thinking what she was doing she picked it up and dialled. It rang for quite a few rings before a very quiet, sleep filled voice on the other end answered,



“Hello?”



Buffy breathed a sigh of relief at hearing the most comforting voice in the world besides her mother’s, “Giles? It’s Buffy…”



“Buffy!” Giles’ voice brightened a bit before he quickly scolded, “Have you any idea what time it is over here, I mean, calling a poor man in the middle of the night…but it’s good to hear you. Is everything alright?”



Buffy had to bite her lip to keep from sobbing aloud, but Giles couldn’t be there to hold her in his arms so she fought the urge back,



“Not it’s not,” her voice managed to be clear and steady despite what she was feeling.



“Willow?” Giles immediately jumped to the conclusion that the redheaded witch was responsible for Buffy’s problems, “You have to understand it’s probably very hard for her with Tara gone and she will probably need…”



“Giles,” Buffy interrupted, “Tara never left. I mean, it took a while for them to work through their problems but it’s fine now. I mean, Willow has been a bit distant lately but I think she’s fine.”



“Oh,” Buffy detected a hint of surprise in Giles’ reaction but he quickly went on, “That’s good, I’m very happy for them both. So what is it that’s not right?”



“The vamps around here a getting cocky…something they’re searching for has made them think not only my Slaying days are numbered but that we’re on the verge of some sort of golden vamp age…like the Renaissance, only without the art and the science…,” Buffy rambled but then stopped herself before she went off on a complete tangent, “…but with a lot more pointy teeth, and that’s never good. Anyway, something called the ‘Horn of Janus’ is the evil thingee responsible for all this and I was wondering if you could tell me anything about it o’ great fountain of knowledge?”



“Well Buffy, I can tell you a great deal about the Roman god Janus…”



Buffy groaned, “Please don’t I already feel as though I have earned enough credit for an entire degree in Classical Studies!”



“…but as to this Horn, I’m pleased to say I’ve heard of it but that’s almost as much assistance as I can be. All I actually know about it is that it’s never actually been found. It was always a Holy Grail type relic, something often talked about and yet never ever found. Buffy, obviously it’s not meant to be found…do you really think you should be even trying to find it?”



“Well, if it’s something the evil guys want…then I want it. I was always a jealous child. Seriously Giles, you can’t tell me anything more?”



“Sorry Buffy, but I’ll get right on it and try to see what I can find out about it in the libraries here, the Watcher’s Council’s library alone holds over…”



“I don’t want to listen to you go on about that library for fifteen minutes Giles!” Buffy groaned, “Go back to sleep!”



Giles chuckled, “Alright, but you keep me informed…about everything and promise to take care of yourself.”



“I promise Giles.”



“My love to everyone, bye.”



“Bye,” Buffy said and reluctantly clicked the phone back on to the receiver.



Buffy put in her head in her hands and made a face at the mess that had been her dinner. She pushed her chair back and grabbed her coat before leaving the house. Maybe a few interrogation sessions with some Bumpys would make her feel a little better.



*****



Willow watched intently as the arc of pure energy played across her fingertips, dancing before her eyes. It hurt a bit to end the feeling of having the world at her fingertips but she snuffed it out by making a fist. She drew in a deep breath before she pushed open the door to the room she shared with Tara, drawing an aura of composure about herself.



Tara looked up from the bed. Her girlfriend was already clad in her pyjamas, reading by the light of the bedside lamp. She immediately put the book aside upon seeing Willow enter and a mask of worry lifted from her features. She sat up from the pillows.



“Will! Where have you been?.”



“You needn’t have worried, I was…studying some new…theories and got a little carried away in my excitement. It was so much fun,” Willow laughed lightly and began peeling her clothes off with something of carefree abandon.



“Well, next time you should call before you decide on a late night study session,” Tara crooked her head sideways slightly and look at Willow with a quizzical expression, there was something she couldn’t quite put her finger on…, “I was worried about you sweetie.”



There was something about the way Willow was acting that made Tara wonder…not drunk…but definitely something. She refused to jump to any conclusions as to what it was but the magicks was her first thought. Tara was not nearly as powerful as Willow but she knew full well the residue of magic, strong magic.



“Will, what have you been doing?”



Willow stripped off her shirt and tossed it to one side, she was clad in just her skirt and bra as she stood at the foot of the bed and smiled at her girlfriend warmly.



“Okay, I did a little spell, I had a sudden idea while I was at school as to how we might find the Horn, it was nothing really and besides it didn’t even work.”



“Nothing or not, I should have been there with you…a spell like that could’ve been dangerous.”



Willow gritted her teeth ever so slightly, the nagging! As quickly as it had come over her it was gone and she moved onto the bed, prowling towards Tara on all fours like a cat.



“I’m sorry baby,” Willow placed her hands on either side of Tara as she moved up to straddle her, her mouth moved closer to Tara until she stopped with barely a hairsbreadth between their lips, “Will you forgive me?”



Willow lowered her hips until her weight was pressed against Tara and she rubbed her groin suggestively, lingeringly. Tara arched her hips upwards almost involuntarily, seeking to intensify the contact.



“That’s not fair Will,” Tara moaned low in her throat, but she was definitely losing any argument they might have had.



A few moments later, as any remaining clothes on either witch had been discarded, Tara was well and truly past requiring an apology from Willow. It was a cool night but they were both coated in a slick layer of sweat. Tara rolled on top of Willow, pinning her beneath her body. She gazed down at her lover, smoothing an errant strand of red hair out of her face so as not to interrupt her view of her freckled visage. Ducking her head, Tara began laying tiny little kisses over Willow’s neck, her throat, nuzzling intently. Willow pressed her head back into the pillow, her eyes gazing up at the ceiling and seeing stars.



“Will…you’re my everything,” Tara whispered between kisses, “Love…you…so…much.”



Willow ran her hands up Tara’s spine, tickling playfully before she realised that the crackling blue light had returned unsummoned. She watched it for a few moments before she realised with a very sharp stab that she wanted more. She wanted what she had felt earlier that evening at Rack’s place. The feeling of being everywhere at once and yet nowhere at the same time. The power coursing through her entire body in waves…over and over. Willow closed her eyes and tried to focus on her lover and the feeling of their naked bodies pressed together…a feeling that before today was the most amazing in the world. Yet now Willow thought that there was something just as good…no, better. She no longer felt the hot waves of desire she had felt earlier, it as replaced by raw, justifiable guilt.



*****



“Come out Spike, I know you’re there…my skin is crawling.”



Buffy turned around as the peroxided Big Bad emerged from the shadows, not at all living up to his profession as a denizen of evil but looking far more like a love sick puppy. He was scuffing his feet in a cute manner that did not at all become him, it was making Buffy incredibly nervous and she hung back a little. Mostly because she feared what she would do if she got too close…she feared it would be like the moth thinking it could brave the flame.



“Need help killing stuff Slayer?” Spike was trying to be as nonchalant as possible.



“I’ve been managing quite well by myself for a few years now,” Buffy turned and began walking in the opposite direction.



“Slayer!” Spike was forced to break into a gentle run to catch up with her.



He stopped short of grabbing her elbow, he had no desire to find a stake poised above his heart. Instead he moved in from of her, walking backwards so he could stare right at her. Buffy stared determinedly at her feet, refusing to look up.



“Look, this has nothing to do with you having sex with me!” Spike protested, he had to get her to see his honesty, “Even though it would be nice…are you sure you don’t want to…”



Buffy finally looked up at him but it was with a glare that could have frozen hell completely over and he smiled at her discomfort. Spike quickly wiped the smile off his face when he remembered why he had come to her that evening…it certainly hadn’t been with tormenting her in mind. Although it was always fun…and after all, he was evil. Spike shook his head fiercely, annoyed at his mind wandering.



“Spike, unless you’re looking to be turned into fertiliser, you might consider finding your fun elsewhere, I’m in a foul mood.”



“I came to help you out…y’know, with some Scooby type stuff…” Spike began.



“Spike? Help? Those two words only go together voluntarily when there’s money involved,” Buffy uttered a cynical laugh.



“Do you want my help or not Slayer?” Spike was getting irritated, there was only so far he would go for a good deed, “Cos if ya don’t…”



“What is it Spike?”



Spike smiled in a self-satisfied manner, “Well, this Horn thing you guys are looking for, happens that the Big Bad knows what it is.”



Buffy stopped walking and almost made Spike trip over his own feet. He regained his poise and straightened his coat as he lifted his chin. The look on Buffy’s face made his entire week. With a slight grimace, Buffy realised Spike had what she needed and the thought that she had to get it out of him made her more than a little sick.



“Okay Spike, this had better be the real thing and not some load of garbage you’ve concocted to spend a little extra time so you can try and get in my pants,” Buffy waved her finger at him in what was supposed to be a threatening manner, it really just came out looking incredibly cute to Spike.



Spike smiled and thought of all manner of things he could get the Slayer to do before he would tell her the information. Any number of compromising situations flitted before his eyes before he realised that he was evil…but not that evil…well, yes he was. Spike threw up his hands in exasperation.



“Look, this is free of charge information…just don’t get too used to it alright?” Spike tried to sound all evil and threatening and stuff so his generosity didn’t completely ruin his image, “I stumbled across some information about this Horn thingee while I was searching for the Gem of Amara a few years back…remember…”



“Yeah, I kicked your arse,” Buffy quipped so as not to let Spike to too caught up in his own evilness.



Spike glared for a few moments before he nodded as if to acknowledge that, yes, Buffy managed to foil his evil scheme and he could deal with that…almost.



“On topic here Slayer! Anyways, this Horn doo-dad…it’s like getting your hands on the Gem, only a million times better…which is why it’s a million times harder to find…and maybe it doesn’t exist at all.”



“Yeah, got that, but what does it do exactly?”



“It has the power to alter reality, shape it into the whatever the person who has possession of the Horn wishes. Kinda like a vengeance demon, only it works regardless of gender, intent or species…it’s practically omnipotence rolled neatly ino a musical instrument. So if evil had the Horn…”



“It would be bad…lots of badness for the whole world,” Buffy summarised neatly.



“Exactly, I mean, if I had it…” Spike chuckled and looked the Slayer up and down appreciatively and think quickly set his face back into a stony mask, “…I-I’d do evil stuff with it, like make the world mine…and stuff…”



“We’re in trouble,” Buffy said quietly.



TBC

[maudmac]

Sooooooo good! Thanks!



Willow, Willow, Willow. What are we going to do with you?



The angst is hurting my heart. But don't stop. It's sooooo good! I like! I'm liking that it's all complicated - Willow's conflict, the torment of needing Tara and needing the magicks at the same time, and Tara's trust/distrust of Willow.



Interesting plot, too. I'm liking how you're writing the other characters, too. This is all like watching an ep if a true fan wrote one, the way it was supposed to be.



Excellent and I'm very much looking forward to reading more.

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go         donut           go

[KiwiAlcyone]

Chapter Six



Willow’s dreams were anything but peaceful that night as she tossed and turned in the vain struggle of a slumbering person trying to wake themselves. Her mind was assaulted by flashing images…Rack calling out to her, “Strawberry,” Tara was staring at her mournfully and shaking her head, all the Scoobies looking at her as though she had grown an extra head. Willow whimpered as she tried to replace the images with something nicer, she couldn’t know that sort of thing never worked in dreams.



The dream changed, no longer were the images familiar. Willow was standing in a house. It was the type of house your scary old Aunt Mildred lived in when your parents made you go and visit every Sunday afternoon. The only thing it was lacking was the pungent reek of Tibbles the poodle. She ran a finger along a mahogany wall cabinet, feeling the smooth polished wood slide beneath her touch. Oddly enough for such a pristine environment, the number ‘45’ was scrawled on the top of the cabinet in chalk. She brushed her hand lightly across it and watched it smudge, leaving chalk dust on her fingertips. Glancing down at the otherwise spotless floor, Willow bent down and picked up a scrap ripped from a newspaper. There were only four letters on it ‘St Ru’. While she was examining it, Willow rounded a corner and yelped loudly when she almost ran right into another person. The old lady looked up at her, not in the least surprise. As Willow stared blankly, she reached up with a wizened hand and grabbed her chin.



“They’re coming for you,” she said in a matter of fact voice, nodding to punctuate her words.



Willow was about to ask who when all of a sudden it seemed like every single window in the house came crashing inwards. Showers of glass sprayed everywhere and immediately following the glass came a dark form. In every direction she looked, Willow saw a vampire, or a demon…each one walking towards her and the old woman. Gulping, she stepped in front of the old woman and held up her hand to make a fire ball. They only thing that erupted from her hand was a fizzle of smoke which she stared at in terror. The vampire nearest to her and laughed, reaching out towards her with his hand. Hands grabbed at her from behind, pulling and pushing her to the ground. The hands tightened on her throat, choking…



Willow sat bolt upright in bed, grasping at the invisible hand around her throat and still trying to fight it off before she realised there was nothing there. She felt Tara’s weight shift in the bed beside her as her lover rolled over and looked up at her through sleepy eyes.



“Bad dream baby?” Tara reached up and brushed Willow’s arm.



“Uhh, yeah…I don’t know…it was like…” Willow was about to say ‘premonition’ before she stopped herself short, there was no need to worry Tara over something that probably meant absolutely nothing, “…I was covered in frogs…nasty.”



“C’mere you,” Tara extended her arm and Willow obligingly curled into her side, Tara combed her fingers soothingly through her hair, “I’ll keep those nasty little froggies away for the rest of the night, I promise.”



“I know you will Tara,” Willow nuzzled into Tara’s chest and closed her eyes.



Willow didn’t fall asleep though. Whatever it was had felt so real, definitely more than just your average run of the mill dream. Yet she couldn’t be entirely sure it had meant anything, especially as she knew full well it could be a side effect of the magicks she delved into at Rack’s. That was one fear she was not sharing with Tara anytime soon. Still, whether it was real or imaginary, the number and partial word she had seen would not fade from the forefront of her mind. ‘45’ and ‘St Ru’…whatever on earth that meant. Willow’s last thought before she went to sleep was that it might very well be an address…



*****



Her speculation that it may have been an address was looking positive when Willow found herself armed with a street map of Sunnydale, out pacing the streets the next day. While ‘St Ru’ on it’s own meant nothing, there was a street in Sunnydale called ‘St Rubins’ in a much older part of Sunnydale which Willow did not know well. A part of her told her she should have invited Buffy along for the trip and yet another part told her to come alone.



The houses on St Rubins where all turn of the century architecture, most in a very bad state of repair. Overgrown gardens spilled onto the sidewalk, curtains were closed with no sign of life from within. Willow very nearly turned around, thinking she would come back armed with a handy Slayer when she came to number 45. The house was as old as all the others, although far more tidily maintained. There were quaint gingerbread lattices on the porch and lacy curtains swirled lightly from the breeze flowing in open windows. Willow paused at the gate for a few moments, trying to think of horror stories where monsters dwelled inside perfectly innocent looking houses. Her curiosity eventually got the better of her, either that or something was drawing her inside the house. She walked up the neat little path lined with box hedges and to the front door which was painted a curious shade of purple. Steeling herself, Willow raised her hand to rap on the door. She had to take a quick step back when the door opened before she even touched her knuckles to the wood. The tiny woman from her dream stared up at her, a kindly smile on her face. Seeing her in real life was almost like re-visiting her dream but there was something else too. She had the sort of face sported by little old ladies the world over and yet there was a strength there Willow had not seen in the dream. Her eyes were bright, youthful almost…and seemed to bore into Willow’s soul.



“Ahh, I thought you’d be coming soon…come in, come in,” she greeted Willow as though she were a family member on a regular visit…in a much nicer way than Aunt Mildred ever had.



She beckoned with her crooked, wizened little hand and Willow felt strangely compelled to follow inside. The door clicked shut behind her, Willow felt her heart jump in her throat and she wanted to bolt. However, she looked around and realised that she was standing in her dream house. There was no aroma of Tibbles the poodle but rather that of freshly cut spring flowers. It was pleasant.



“I don’t mean to be rude coming un-invited like this,” Willow began, “In fact I don’t even really know how to explain why I’m here at all…”



She smiled and waved her hand in dismissal, “I know why you’re here Willow.”



“Wait, okay, freaky with the knowing my name and all…I didn’t give it already did I?”



“No my dear, I just know you’re Willow…I’m Amelia, pleased to meet you. We weren’t properly introduced last time you visited me,” Willow was comforted rather than freaked out by her uncanny knowledge, “I sensed power when you came though, lots of it...maybe a little too much…”



She crooked her head oddly to one side and her smiled faded a little as she looked at Willow. Now Willow was slightly unnerved, it was like she…knew even what her friends did not.



Amelia shrugged slightly, “In time that will be…dealt with. Now, let me have a look at you.”



Willow raised her eyebrows as the old woman took a few hobbly steps towards her, reaching up – and she had to reach up quite a way – to placed her hands on Willow’s cheeks. Not at all unnerved, Willow allowed the old woman to scrutinise her, or whatever she was doing. More than a little curious, Willow wondered how she would stack up in the face of such a weird inspection. If Willow had been asked to pick a poster child for morally stable witches she would not have chosen herself…maybe she should introduce the old woman to Tara…



“Yes, yes…” the old woman muttered and nodded as though agreeing with a voice in her head before stepping back and smiling up at Willow, “You’ll do.”



“I’ll do? I’ll do for what?”



“Who are you?” Willow asked the frail old woman.



“I’m a guardian of sorts you might suppose,” she replied in her whispery voice, Not much to look at granted…but I guard that which needs guarding most of all. Would you like a cup of tea…and a blueberry muffin, fresh out of the oven?”



“Errrr, thanks,” Willow nodded and glanced around the living room as the old woman bustled to brew a pot of tea.



She walked to the mantelpiece and looked at a carefully placed portrait of a very handsome, distinguished looking older man. His eyes sparkled out from the picture and Willow smiled instinctively. She was still looking at it when Amelia came back bearing a tray with tea and muffins. Amelia saw Willow turn away from the photograph and smiled a sad smile.



“That’s my Ernie, been gone a long time now but come five-thirty I always expect to see him come through the front door, hang up his hat…and I’d be there to hand him his coffee.”



She placed the tray down on the coffee table and invited Willow to take a seat. As she was pouring the tea she continued talking,



“Ernie was always there for me, never questioned anything, maybe he should have asked a few more questions. Well, it wasn’t entirely up to him, I should have told him a few more things as well,” she sighed, “There are just some things that are too difficult to tell…and you worry that if they do come out you will end up losing the person you love the most in all the world.”



She handed Willow a steaming cup of tea which Willow politely sipped once before setting it down on the coffee table. Somehow she sensed Amelia was no longer talking about Ernie and her own life. Somewhere she had switched her focus to Willow.



“You have someone Willow?” Amelia took a sip of her own tea, “A special young man of your own?”



“A beautiful young lady actually,” Willow corrected, mentally noting that it was apparent this woman didn’t know everything about her and being quite glad about it, “I’m gay.”



Amelia nodded, although it was in strange manner…as though she were merely confirming something already known. Willow wondered why she had even asked the question if she already knew the answer.



They exchanged more polite conversation, mostly about Willow’s studies…and a little about magic. Willow was cagey about answering the later questions. Eventually Amelia finished her tea, Willow had not touched hers again.



“I guess it’s time,” the old woman said as though announcing the beginning of her favourite TV show.



She crossed to a small box sitting next to Ernie’s portrait on the mantelpiece and ever so gently picked it up. Willow watched, confused. Absolutely none of her questions had been answered…she still had no clue why her dream had lead her to the home of this very nice, but at the same time very strange old woman. Willow watched intently as Amelia placed the box down on the coffee table and opened it. She couldn’t see what was inside as Amelia began muttering something under her breath, an incantation that Willow could not hear. Suddenly there was a cloud of dust swirling from the box and it came straight for Willow. Her eyes widened startled but she had no time to do anything else before the dust shot up her nostrils. Willow sneezed uncontrollably, coughing and spluttering. It seemed to shoot right up into her brain and it stung painfully! Like gritty sand behind her eyes cementing itself there. She rubbed her eyes fiercely but it only stung even worse. Scrambling to her feet, Willow knocked over the chair she had been sitting on. She stumbled back a few steps, blinking like crazy and shaking her head. A few minutes later, Willow had finally stopped reeling from whatever it was that the old woman had done to her.



“What in the frilly heck was that?” she demanded, her vision still swimming.



When her vision cleared, Willow was just in time to see Amelia gasp and slip to the floor. Willow forgot her anger and quickly crossed the short distance to the fallen woman. She cradled Amelia’s head gently, her skin was cold to the touch.



“Amelia?” Willow was more than a little panicky, not only was the old woman dying, she had no answers, “Are you alright?”



“We needed to talk Willow…I needed to tell…” her voice was fading, difficult to hear.



“I’m here because you have something to tell me?” Willow was glancing around for a phone to dial 911 but her wrist was suddenly grasped in a surprisingly vice-like grip.



“It won’t do any good, it’s done. I’ve told you everything…it’s yours now,” Amelia swallowed weakly, her breathing was laboured, “I’m sorry I had to. I told them you weren’t the right one but they insisted…”



“But you didn’t tell me anything…and why am I not the right one?”



Amelia ignored her question and closed her eyes before she continued in a faint whisper, “We, I mean…I was never strong enough to destroy it, but you just might…but you have to remember…the two must be made one…forever…”



“What two? What do you mean by that?”



Even as she said it, Willow felt Amelia’s final hold on life slip away. The old woman stopped breathing. Willow sighed but before she could do anything further, the body in her arms crumpled into dust. Not dirty dust like a vampire, but a fine, shimmering like gold dust. It was picked up by the lightest of breezes. For a few moments it hung in the air in front of Willow before drifting out an open window.



Willow was left sitting on the living room floor of Amelia’s home staring at her empty lap. So much for answers, she had just managed to waste time she should have been searching for more information on the Horn. Instead, she had ended up with a very bad migraine and…there was something else. Willow stood up, her head swimming a little with the sudden movement. There was definitely something else lurking at the back of her mind. It took her a few moments before she realised what it was. Her eyes shot open when full realisation dawned on her. Without further pause, she turned to sprint out the door with no time to waste.



*****



Buffy stared at Willow blankly, “You know what?”



“The Horn doofus!”



Buffy looked around at the rest of the Scoobies sitting around the table at the Magic Box. Tara, Buffy, Xander and Anya…each one looked at Willow as though there had been a little much sugar in her last mocha. A few moments ago the redheaded witch had bolted into the magic box, completely out of breath and thrown up a protection ward around the table to prevent anyone listening in on their conversation. She had then started babbling in the worst Willow-babble any of them had heard for a while.



“What about the Horn?” Xander quickly turned and whispered at the ‘sane’ people in the room, “Is she possessed?”



“Hey guys, listen to me, no possession, I’m me and I’m telling you I know where it is. It was all really weird. I had a dream, no, a premonition last night,” Willow quickly glanced at Tara and smiled apologetically, “It lead me to this woman and I thought she was just some nice old lady until she did something to me with this weird dust stuff. I didn’t know what it was until she like ‘poof’ disappeared and then I knew. She was the holder of the location of the Horn…until she passed it on to me!”



“Okay, I’m still thinking possession here,” Xander wasn’t convinced.



Willow managed to calm herself and slow down a little, “Amelia was the latest in a long line of guardians who protected the location of the Horn. This is why it’s never been found, because there’s only one person in the world at any time who ever knows where it is and now that one person is me. So as long as the evil dudes don’t know where it is, they never ever will. We’ve all just gotta keep our mouths shut about the whole me knowing about it thing and we’ll be fine.”



“Will, I don’t get it all but I’m thinking this is a good thing,” Buffy finally let go of the breath she had been holding, “That’s fantastic…so we’re safe…this reality isn’t going to go poof?”



Xander finally convinced himself Willow wasn’t possessed and put his arm around his childhood friend and drew her in close to his side, “Do you mind if I revert back to your sexy nickname of ‘old reliable’ now? Cos gee Will, you rock!”



“Well, I didn’t really do all that much…don’t know how really…”



Tara didn’t hear the rest of what was said as she glanced around the table at each of the happy faces all directed towards Willow. They were all so full of trust and more than a little awe at the powers displayed by the young Wiccan. Finally Tara had to wrench her gaze away, staring down at her hands in her lap. Of all the people sitting at the table she had previously been the one who had complete trust in Willow and that should have been true at that moment. However, of all the people sitting at the table Tara alone was not convinced of the wisdom of this latest development. She looked at the magical barrier that Willow had woven around them as though she expected to find gaping holes in it. It was more than solid of course, this was super Willow. Tara looked from the barrier back to the faces of her friends and her eyes met Willow’s. The delighted grin on Willow’s face vanished, replaced by something far graver. For a few seconds they shared the look that spoke every word they were feeling before Tara voiced them by speaking to Willow in her mind.



“This is dangerous Willow…dangerous and stupid, can you even stop congratulating yourself for a moment to realise what you’ve done?”



“I’m stupid?” Willow’s voice fairly shouted in Tara’s head, “How can protecting everything I love be stupid?”



Tara flinched at the tone of Willow’s voice, “The Horn is possibly the most dangerous object in the world…and Will, you’re the only person who knows where it is. I would say that was very stupid indeed…it’s not awesome at all.”



The others were still chatting animatedly amongst themselves, not realising that two people in the room were no longer as excited about this new development.



“Well, someone has to know where it is and hey, not like I had a choice! But I guess it has something to do with the knowledge being protected by someone powerful…someone like me,” Willow said simply.



“Do you really think you can protect it?” Tara shot back, “I know you don’t think anyone will ever find out that you know the location but you can never say never. What if they do find out? What then? Have you any idea of the danger you’ll be in? How do you think it makes me feel to know that the person I love most in all the world could be the most hunted person in all the world. I’ll tell you how it makes me feel Will, it feels like my insides have been dug out with a spoon.”



“A little graphic…” Willow lowered her head, her voice soft and remorseful.



“Sorry,” Tara ducked her head.



To the rest of the gang, Tara and Willow merely appeared to have been staring at each other for a few moments. Closely watching them however, would have revealed subtle changes in their facial expressions. Without saying a word to the rest of her friends, Willow walked around the table to Tara and took her hand. The two witches then walked together to the training room and some privacy.



Tara sat on a pile of training mats, Willow next to her, they were still holding hands. Willow’s thumb lightly caressing Tara’s soft skin. Now that they had the space to talk neither found that they could say anything so they simply sat in silence. After a while Tara lent her head on Willow’s shoulder and felt her girlfriend stroke her hair as her she sobbed quietly.



Everything was progressing so strangely. Although she was now in the possession of the knowledge they needed most, Willow still had no idea why she had to be the one to know it. She didn’t actually want to admit it to herself, but at the back of her mind…she knew her life was in chaos. Willow felt an ache in her back and her shoulders were tense. It had been a long, stressful day…she needed to go and see Rack.



*****



It seemed like an eternity before Willow returned home that evening. The dark, silent house seemed so alien as she made her way up the stairs and into her room. The light was off, Tara was sleeping soundly. Willow sighed, she was glad in a way that Tara hadn’t sat up waiting for her. She noticed the shaking return when she changed from her clothes to her pyjamas…the shaking and the cold.



With sweat plastering her hair to her temples, Willow crawled into bed beside Tara. Even her weight on the bed wasn’t enough to wake her lover. Tara didn’t stir a muscle and her breathing remained even. Willow shivered as the sweat froze on her body, even beneath the snug covers of their bed she felt icy cold. Gently she moved closer to Tara, spooning her from behind but only barely touching her. She desperately wanted to pull the warm body close as though to draw heat from it. It was painful just lying there close to her but not actually brave enough to make the final contact. It was almost as though she were a teenager, lacking that last ounce of courage to take the final step. Yet Willow knew full well she was light-years beyond being that innocent. What she was, was an addict who was desperately trying to protect that which she loved the most but knowing full well she had already moved so far past that line she could no longer find her way back.



Tara opened her eyes when she felt Willow’s weight on the bed behind her but she gave no indication that she was awake and continued to feign sleep. It was difficult considering as soon as she had smelt her lover her heart had threatened to burst from her chest. She was acutely aware of Willow’s every movement as she scooted closer to her until their bodies were just in contact. Even with the minimal contact, Tara felt the chill radiating from Willow. She was trembling, barely…but Tara could still felt every small shake. She wanted to roll over and cradle her lover to her chest but something was stopping her. Tara bit her lip as she felt tears sting her eyes upon her realisation of just what it was. It was anger towards Willow for her stupidity…Willow was destroying herself. Yet that was not even the strongest feeling she felt, Tara hated herself for not being able to stop it.



TBC

[WintersDreamer]

First:



Great story, lots of conflicting emotions and angst....



.... NOW can we kick Willow's butt ? jeez... she gets a taste of what it would be like to lose Tara and what does she do.....runs off to get and other hit... ggggrrrrrr.



Well ... now that I've vented my spleen..(sigh).... at least she's admitted she an addict, maybe she can start moving up from there.



and Tara .... lots o' pain there watching your beloved destroy themself....ouch.



please update soon....

[maudmac]

Excellent update! I was so on the edge of my seat the whole time Willow was in Amelia's house, expecting something horrible to happen. And, I suppose something horrible did happen there...



Glad to see Willow at least acknowledges her addiction, but I think things will get much worse before they get better.



I love the insight into Tara's internal conflict. She must feel so torn.



So many things hinted at here, like what we've seen so far is just the tip of the iceberg. Who are these others who insisted Willow was the one? And why? Where's the Horn? If Willow keeps letting Rack into her mind, she's not going to be able to keep that a secret for long. She does need her butt kicked.



Such angst! but and

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go         donut           go

[sam darls]

Wow, that was so amazing, and so angsty ..I can't wait for more..Love sammi xx

"Sometimes things happen between people that you don't really expect. And sometimes the things that are important are the ones that seem the weirdest or the most wrong. And those are the ones that change your life." - Jessie Sammler (Evan Rachel Wood)

[Vizier Mountian]

Tara is so kind to stay with Willow through all this. This is a great fic.

[tinnakaren]

This story kind of gives me the heebe-jeepes. It's wonderfully written, and the compelling plot and storytelling keeps me focused and intrigued, but the situation WT find themselves in right now is disturbing. It's angsty and scary and I just wanna knock some sense into Willow, and push Tara into confronting her.



The part where they were making love and then Willow starting thinking about how there was a feeling now that was just as good, or even better than being with Tara...it kind of made me sick to my stomach. You're writing is so good, it's making me react in such fervent ways.



I think your story gives the reader a good view of the mind of a junkie...and like I said earlier, it's really disturbing.

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Tinna Karen

-tölvunörd í fyrsta ættlið

[allykat]

The mind of a junkie... A very scary place! The angst is just killing me......Thank you for sharing this with us. Excellent writing.

Edited by: allykat at: 1/13/04 1:56 pm

[maudmac]

I'm not so sure I think it was a good idea for Tara to stay with Willow. I never saw that as an abandonment. I can see both sides, but I did think Tara made the right decision to leave Willow in TR. So I'm liking seeing a sort of alternate version where Tara stays, staying in this fic for the same reasons she left on the show, because she loves Willow and wants Willow to get better.



I feel the same way, tinnakaren. I'm not used to being so upset with Willow's (or Tara's) actions or attitudes. It's disconcerting. I don't know what to do with the feeling of being angry at Willow. But that's the reality of an addict and I like how Alcy's exploring that, really getting into Willow's mind, in a way the show never did. On the one hand, it's realistic. But on the other hand, I hate seeing Willow wanting anything as much as - or more than - she wants Tara. It's pulling me in all kinds of different directions - which is, of course, a mark of good writing.



*hopes Alcy's working on an update right this very minute*

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go         donut           go

[KiwiAlcyone]

Thanks for all your really insightful comments guys, it's awesome to be able to read this feedback and hear how the fic is coming across to people reading it.



I set out purposefully to explore what was going on in Willow's mind when Tara did leave her, my conclusions being that things would have gotten out of hand even if Tara had stayed, no matter how much they loved each other just because there has to be a rock bottom before there's any chance of a recovery.



I'm sorry the angst is so damn high...no wait, I don't apologise, I'm evil like that...no, not evil, jsut trying to write something that makes people feel strongly about it. I love these characters heaps and it's probably just as painful to write as it is to read. I keep asking myself if Willow has to be that bad? Of course the answer is yes...



I really get into the mind of being a junkie? That's so crazy...I'm a bit disturbed too.



Anyway, update after work tonight, it's pretty much done, just a few tweaks needed. Poor Tara...

[xita]

Oh, wow, yeah this angst maximized. I could see it happening and when doing an addiction story, it's important not to wuss out. Reaching bottom is not only a part of it but so is the tough recovery. Anyway, you make everything very real, it's a tough read, but it's very good!

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"Hard work often pays off after time but laziness always pays off now!"

[russ]

As others have said, you've done a wonderful job of getting inside the thoughts and motivations of Addict Willow. I can't help but feel that Tara made a big mistake in staying. The only justification for staying would be if she was able to help Willow overcome the addiction. Instead, she has become an enabler, denying that anything's wrong, when even Buffy sees that something's amiss. Meanwhile, Willow's craving for her "fix" makes her dissatisfied with Tara's love, and angered at any hint of criticism, or "nagging" as she calls it.



As for the secret -- there is no secret any more. It was entrusted to a junkie whose supplier can walk through her brain. Rack has to know the secret of the Horn, and so it's available to the highest bidder.



You have given us glimmers of hope here. Amelia looks at Willow and obviously sees what's going on. Her reaction is a shrug and "In time that will be ... dealt with." After inspecting Willow she pronounces, "You'll do."



Another helpful hint from Amelia's last words, "The two must be made one ... forever." Since she was talking about destroying the Horn, it sounds like only a permanently united Willow & Tara can do the job.



At the end of the last chapter, Willow seems to be realizing her situation, "What she was, was an addict who was desperately trying to protect that which she loved the most but knowing full well she had already moved so far past that line she could no longer find her way back."



This isn't quite "hitting bottom," but admitting to herself what's going on is a start. Also, it seems Tara is beginning to wake up to what's happening. There is bound to be much pain in the short term, but it bodes well for eventual healing.

A great story, Alcy. You've certainly succeeded in making people feel strongly. It must be difficult to put characters you love through this, but the pain they have to go through makes the joy at the end stronger.



Russ

[KiwiAlcyone]

Chapter Seven



“It’s everything that has just happened hasn’t it? What Willow found out about the H-…?” Buffy bit her lip, they weren’t supposed to even mention that word in case unfriendly ears were listening in.



Buffy and Tara sat on the sofa in the Summers’ living room. A barely eaten pizza lay on the coffee table in front of them. What was supposed to be a relaxing, enjoyable video night with the girls had turned into a depressing night of awkwardness. Dawn had double booked her evening and had chosen to go to Janice’s house for dinner. Anya had spent an hour endlessly whining about how Xander was sitting at home alone with no one to snuggle him. Buffy practically told her to leave before she could launch into all the things they would have been doing if she could go to be with Xander. And Willow, Buffy glanced across at Tara, Willow hadn’t been home all day.



Losing interest in the schmaltzy movie, Buffy had turned to Tara and asked her how she was feeling. Without too much prodding, the topic of conversation swiftly turned to Willow’s new revelation.



“Tara, don’t pretend that you’re happy about this,” Buffy reached out and placed her hand on Tara’s arm, “You’ve hardly said a word since all this went down. While we’re running around like excited children, you look like death warmed up…I know you don’t want to talk about this but…”



“No Buffy, I do want to talk about this,” Tara was tired of bottling everything up and keeping her fears to herself, “I’m terribly sorry for the way I acted last time you tried to tell me something as wrong with Willow.”



“Well,” Buffy began, “I shouldn’t have been so quick to mistrust her…any suspicions I had have since been totally proven wrong so you were right to defend her. Will has been doing great, I think the best thing was you staying with her, it’s done her a world of good...”



“No it hasn’t,” Tara muttered gloomily.



“Okay, I’m missing something here,” Buffy swivelled around on the sofa so she was directly facing Tara, “A few days ago you two were all with the snugly-wugglies and now you’re, well…now you’re doom and gloom personified. What’s up with that?”



Tara didn’t at all mind Buffy’s directness, she needed it, “Willow’s into something Buffy and it’s scaring me.”



“Willow’s into something? How do you mean ‘into’ something?” Buffy sounded more than a little apprehensive.



“Kinda like drugs…only magic, I can’t be sure…I have nothing to go on besides my intuition…feelings mostly. I can tell whatever she’s doing…it’s eating her away from the inside out…and consequently, it’s eating me away as well,” Tara lowered her head, she felt it even now.



“God...Tara...Have you spoken to her about it?”



Tara shook her head, “No, I was telling the truth when I said the other day that I didn’t want anything to disrupt our relationship. I have a feeling that confronting her about whatever this is will rip us apart…I don’t think I’m strong enough to come back from another falling-out like we had last time.”



Buffy instinctively drew Tara close for a few moments, rubbing her back soothingly before she drew back again. She knew full well how hard it was for someone in love as much as Tara to admit that anything was wrong, yet alone the sort of wrong that could tear a relationship apart. Buffy hated seeing the gentle young woman suffer and she hated the fact that her best friend was the cause of it



“What are you going to do?” Buffy asked quietly.



“Buffy, I know you understand what it’s like to be in a relationship that can never work for all your wishing it would…is that what Willow and I have?” Tara watched a shadow flash across Buffy’s face at her reference to Angel, but it was quickly gone.



“Tara, it’s not what you and Willow have…it’s not. You two are complete when you’re together, two parts that make up a whole…I know things are difficult…more than that, unbearable…”



“But we’re gonna get through this right?” Tara choked out a rueful laugh amongst the tears which were now flowing freely, “I’m beginning to doubt that…I’m more leaning towards the conclusion that we’re going to hurt each other seriously…”



*****



Tara watched Willow move around their room, her actions seemingly normal to the outside observer. Folding up her washing and stowing it away, trimming her nails…yet Tara knew that she was trying far too hard to appear that normal. As Willow brushed her hair she saw Tara looking at her in the mirror.



“What?’ she asked brusquely.



“Nothing,” Tara shrugged.



Willow placed her brush back down on the dresser, she murmured a word to close the curtains as she dug her pyjamas out from beneath the pillows on the bed.



“Was that really necessary?” Tara sighed in exasperation seeing Willow’s all too flippant use of magic right when she really didn’t need to see it.



“Well no…but I mean, it’s the curtains…it’s no biggie…it’s not like I’m playing with dimensions or transmutation or anything here,” Willow couldn’t really excuse herself so she went with the defensive, “Besides, I thought we’d gotten over all this?”



“Gotten over what? Your abuse of the magicks? Willow you still don’t get it do you?”



“For god’s sake Tara, quit it already, you sound like a broken record player…I’m getting sick of hearing it over and over. Can’t you just accept that I like using magic…it’s handy.”



“And not to mention dangerous. I don’t see why it’s so hard for you to understand that Will.”



“And I can handle it!” Willow shot back before quieting down a little, “I don’t see why you can’t love me for who I am. Okay, I’ve screwed up majorly in the past but it’s all good now…big evil has been thwarted, we’re safe. I don’t understand how you can carry on like this.”



“How I can be like this?” Tara was suddenly angry, indignant, “Look at yourself Willow! You’re not yourself! I look at what you’re turning into and I feel sick, more than sick, I feel like I’m dying…and you’re the cause of it. I just can’t live and watch you do this to yourself.”



“Watch me become more powerful so I can protect my friends…so I can protect you?”



“No Will, I’m watching you destroy yourself…” Tara hung her head, livid with rage at how difficult her lover was making this.



Tara’s anger flowed straight to Willow, she felt every inch of it and it fed her own rage. The way she felt Tara was smothering her, always on her back…she gritted her teeth.



“I hate you sometimes,” Willow whispered, staring intently at her feet, “I’m beginning to think it would have been better if you had left…”



“Willow…?”



Willow looked back up at Tara to see the anger combined with apprehension. However, nothing could entirely replace the horrible look of disappointment and nausea on her girlfriend’s face…directed entirely at her. Willow had to tear her eyes away from the look on Tara’s face, it hurt so. She tried to focus but steady, deep breathing just became a hoarse pant. Sweat dripped from her brow. Nothing could control her rage any longer as she felt a dark light crackling across her fingertips, screaming at her to release it. Tara saw it and instinctively stepped forward instead of away as most people would have done. This was Willow, Willow would never hurt her…



“Willow you have to stop!”



“No, you have to stop,” Willow said in a low voice and when she raised her head to look at Tara again, her eyes had turned completely black.



Then next thing Tara knew she was being flung across the bedroom by the crackling bolts of energy that shot from Willow’s fingertips. She landed with a sickening thud against a chest of drawers and collapsed to the ground. Tara groaned as she clutched at her ribs in pain and struggled to draw a breath. She heard Willow’s footsteps as she left the room without pausing once. Tara felt like she wanted to die before unconsciousness mercifully claimed her.



*****



It took Tara what seemed like an eternity to make her way down the stairs and to the phone. She had no idea how long she had been out cold after Willow had thrown her across the room. Feeling more than a little sick, Tara had to lean on the bench top to keep herself upright. Willow had done that to her? She didn’t even want to let that sink in…she couldn’t. Yet for all her denial she had been there, she had seen the madness on the features she knew as well as her own. Her own Willow had done it.



Tara winced, even dialling numbers on the phone made her ribs ache but there was no time to go to the hospital. Someone picked up the phone and Tara quickly spoke before whoever it was could say anything,



“Xander? Is that you, please, you’ve got to get here quick! Will…she…she’s…”



“Tara?” Xander’s voice was earnest, worried as he replied, “What’s wrong with Will?”



Tara gripped the side of the bench top until her knuckles went white to keep from crying, she composed herself, “Yeah Xander…it’s Tara. I don’t know what’s wrong with Willow, just that she’s in trouble. Can you be here as soon as possible?”



Xander assured her it was not a problem and told her to hang in there until he arrived. Tara promised she would but sincerely doubted her ability to do so. She had very little clues as to where to look for Willow…somewhere downtown, somewhere that had to be hidden. It would have been impossible for her to find using normal means.



*****



When Xander arrived he found Tara sitting in a trance as she called the guiding light that had once guided him and Willow out of the woods the night they had resurrected Buffy. The small blue light hovered around Tara, waiting for it’s instructions,



“Take us to Willow,” she whispered.



Xander found it somewhat unnerving driving behind the small blue light, thank goodness it was fairly late at night otherwise he would have been driving people off the road all over the place. He took his eyes off the light once or twice to glance across at Tara. He couldn’t tell what she was feeling, a blank mask had settled into place over her usually expressive features.



The light finally stopped in a seedy area of town, hovering near an alley way that Xander could not take his car down. Tara opened the door before they had even stopped moving and bolted from the car…following the light into the darkness. She watched as the light suddenly snuffed out half way down the alley. With barely a moment’s hesitation, Tara ran straight for that spot.



“Tara, wait up! We might need weapons…” Xander called, stopping short ith his mouth hanging open when he saw her disappear right in front of his eyes.



He stumbled forward, blindly feeling his way around where the blonde witch had disappeared. He yelped in a most unmanly manner as his arm suddenly appeared cut off below the elbow.



“Cloaking device?” he mused.



His mind immediately flashed through the dozens of Star Trek episodes he had watched involving bad guys and cloaking devices…it was bound to mean trouble. Imagining that he was Captain Picard helped him to be a little bolder as he stepped right through it, still yelping. Xander ran straight into Tara who was standing in the middle of a room. It took him a few moments to compose himself, after all it wasn’t every day you walked through an invisible barrier and found yourself in…Uncle Rory’s living room? Xander shook his head again and saw that wasn’t exactly where he was, but it smelt the same and had the same furniture. Overcoming his revulsion he turned to Tara, the young witch was visibly shaking, her face pale.



Xander placed his hand on her shoulder and squeezed gently in a gesture of reassurance. Tara placed her hand over his but kept her eyes focused on the only visible door in the room. She took a step towards it but Xander kept his grip,



“You’re not thinking of going in there alone, I’ve got your back Tara,” Xander was worried about his best friend and it showed.



“Yes I am Xander, and I will…honestly, you would have no idea what you were getting into, I need you out here, I’ll call if I need help. I promise.”



“Hey, I’m next!” an unwashed and unkempt young man protested as Tara was about to turn the handle on the door.



“I wouldn’t worry,” Tara turned the handle, “This is going to be quick.”



Tara refused to acknowledge the fear she felt about facing a completely unknown situation or that she was doing it alone. Her entire reality became compressed into the single thought that Willow needed her. Tara stepped through the door and for a moment she panicked, thinking she had walked into a dark, empty hole. It took a few moments for her eyes to adjust and when they did she really wished they hadn’t. Willow was sprawled on the floor, limbs askew and flailing feebly. Her eyes were open but they were glazed over completely, certainly not seeing anything that was actually in front of her. Tara’s heart was stuck in her throat.



“And you would be?” a voice seemed to come from nowhere.



Tara looked away from Willow to see a creepy looking man was sprawled on a dirty couch. He pointed a lazy finger at Willow and a surge of red light swept from it, hitting Willow. The oblivious witch moaned slightly, writhing in ecstasy. Tara clenched her fists.



“I’m taking her out of here,” Tara’s infuriated tone kept her stutter at bay despite her terror.



Rack raised his eyebrows at her audacity, she was gutsy…or very foolish, “So, let me guess…you would be the girlfriend?”



“Perhaps, but I’m also a witch, so if I were you I wouldn’t try to stop me.”



He laughed, a horrible, mocking sound as he stood slowly to his feet. Tara took a step back as he came to stand right in front of her. She gritted her teeth and resisted the urge to try and smack the leer right off his face…try being the key word. Physical violence would get her nowhere in this situation. He raised his hand and poised it over her chest,



“Are you sure you wouldn’t want to have a little taste?” he asked wriggling his fingers suggestively, “I could help the both of you to highs you’ve never experienced before…a high that lasts for days.”



“I would never go to that place so quit it with the seductive talk. It’s not gonna get you anywhere.”



“You’re such a party-pooper blondie. It’s not hard to see why Strawberry went looking elsewhere for her pleasure. Seems I could give her what you never could…” he looked her up and down, chuckling as though this amused him greatly, “obviously of course.”



“She doesn’t want this,” Tara whispered, although his words were beginning to sting more than a little.



“And how do you know that? The truth is, she has become so much more than she ever could when she was with you and you can’t deal with that. I got news for you, Strawberry has outgrown whatever it was she had with you, any juvenile little spells you did with her…” he was standing right over her, his lips almost brushing her forehead, “they are nothing in the face of what I’ve shown her. I’ve given her the universe…and what have you given her?”



Tara looked into his eyes and replied evenly, “It’s got nothing to do with what I’ve given her but everything to do with what she’s given me.”



He looked at her with a puzzled expression on his face, she knew full well he could never understand what her life had been like before Willow loved her. It was that lack of understanding that gave her the courage to continue. It was the reason why she would not quit on Willow when she needed her the most.



“What I feel has nothing to do with magic…which is why I’m taking her out of here…now!”



“I’d like to see you try blondie,” Rack wasn’t about to give up his favourite playmate without a fight, “What tricks have you got?”



Tara lifted her chin in defiance, she was no where near the witch that Willow was. However, she had the knowledge, even if she didn’t possess the power…she hoped that was enough. Her palm shot outwards, hitting Rack squarely on the chest at the same time she said, “Seismos!”



A flash of blue light was followed by what appeared to be an implosion of sorts as Tara created a tiny seismic shock with her spell. Rack went flying backwards with the shockwave as Tara felt an invisible brick wall slam into her face, snapping her head back. She slumped to the ground and clutched her forehead as she winced in pain. Warmth flowing over her mouth indicated her nose was bleeding heavily. She looked at Rack and saw she had only manage to throw him back a few meters, but still he was not moving. Despite her ribs feeling as though they were in shards and blood splattering down her front, Tara scrambled to Willow’s side.



“Will?” Tara stifled a sob as she saw her lover face to face, completely and absolutely senseless in her magic induced trance.



Tara had no time to be gentle, Rack could wake at any moment so she slapped Willow hard across the face in a vain effort to bring her back to reality.



“No!” Willow screamed, her eyes remaining glazed over, “The demon…the demon!”



“Xander!” Tara yelled and seconds later the door crash inwards.



It took Xander a few moments to take in the whole situation before he reacted. Tara with blood covering the lower half of her face, Willow sprawled on the ground next to her, an unfamiliar man lying on his back a few meters away. Years of encountering situations similar to these meant he knew instantly what to do. He scooped Willow up in his arms as though she weighed nothing, the redhead let out a small cry and some incomprehensible babble. Tara took one last glance over her shoulder at the still motionless warlock before following Xander out of the room at a brisk walk.



Rack sat up as the door closed behind them, the blonde witch had managed to give him a light headache, nothing more. He stood and smiled at the closed door. There was no point in bothering to fight the lover, after today he had something far more valuable in his possession. Strawberry had it bad…she’d be back. Within days he wagered. He smiled gleefully, the knowledge was as good as his and there was nothing blondie could do about it.



*****



Tara popped a couple of aspirin to combat her raging headache, residue of the seismic spell she had cast on the warlock. In some ways she was resentful for the fact that it was there, it meant all of this was actually happening. The nights events had all happened to her, her aching ribs were also a testament to that.



However, the ribs and the headache combined were nothing compared to the gaping hole in her chest. The spot where her heart should have been throbbed inhumanly whenever she turned to face the form huddled in the bed…or maybe that was what remained of her heart. Whatever it was, it hurt.



Tara sat on the side of the bed and was greeted with an incoherent whimper from the still unconscious Willow. The redhead was soaked in sweat, the single sheet covering her body clung to her every curve, outlining her trembling body. There was nothing sexual in her glance as Tara watched Willow, she couldn’t help but think how pathetic and helpless she was. Yet this same girl who looked so pitiable had thrown her across the room mere hours ago. Tara picked up the cool cloth from a basin on the bedside table and pressed it to Willow’s forehead.



With the contact, Willow’s eyes opened slowly, at first she had trouble focusing but eventually she saw Tara’s face above her, expression unreadable. Willow tried to say something but the words that she formed in her head wouldn’t quite translate to speech. There were too many feelings running through her mind, coming from every angle and she squeezed her eyes tight to try and shut them out. Images flashing…Amelia turning to dust before her eyes, the Scoobies staring at her intently…Rack…throwing Tara across the room in her rage…god!



I didn’t do that did I? I can’t have done that to her…I just can’t…Tara…



The next thing Willow knew she was bent over the side of the bed, vomiting violently on the floor and on Tara’s shoes. Her breath came in jagged rasps as her vision clouded with tears…how could anything ever be the same again?



TBC

Edited by: KiwiAlcyone at: 1/14/04 5:53 am

[sam darls]

Wow..what an update..this was amazing Love sammi xx

"Sometimes things happen between people that you don't really expect. And sometimes the things that are important are the ones that seem the weirdest or the most wrong. And those are the ones that change your life." - Jessie Sammler (Evan Rachel Wood)

[Vizier Mountian]

I can't help thinking that when your loved one beats you,it's time to leave. This is a great fic-bit.

Edited by: Vizier Mountian at: 1/14/04 4:10 pm

[TaraBaby77]

My Gosh!!! Talk about a eventful fic.... There is so much feeling, love, anger, happy grins, hurtful arguments..... Definitely a must read fic!!! Your writing is awesome!!! Tara is such the strong woman to be thrown into a dresser drawer and then turn around and nurse the woman who did that to you.... Amazing.... yeappers, I am glued to this fic.... Okay, enough with the babbling, hope to see an update soon....keep up the great work!!! =)

Aaron

'TaraBaby77'

[barnabasvamp]

I realize I have waited until you are well into this story to add a reply, but trying to express the emotions you evoke has been very hard.



With this update I can say "alright Tara"!! Was begining to wonder why she had stayed with Willow if she wasn't going to make an attempt to help her some how.



Addictions can be bad, but bad enough to hurt Tara even more?? Such angst! I'll be reading to see how you make it better!



BV

It is the passion in a kiss that gives to it its sweetness; it is the affection in a kiss that sanctifies it.

[KiwiAlcyone]

Once again, thanks for all your responses and for continuing to read all this angst. Hang in there...it will get better...but not just yet - Alcy





Chapter Eight



Tara had to clutch the wall for support as she made her way downstairs for the first time in two days. She didn’t really know where she was going or why. The kitchen? Her stomach rumbled angrily as though to remind her she had hardly eaten for that same period of time. It was not that she didn’t want to eat, she just couldn’t look at food of any sort after watching Willow throw up all manner of unidentified substances. What she really needed was a change of view, even if it was just for a few minutes. Sitting, watching Willow for hour upon endless hour...it was difficult to say the least. Spending so much time with someone whose mere presence caused her to feel such strong, conflicting emotions meant she no longer knew exactly how she ought to deal with their situation. Tara had to conclude that despite all Willow had done, she still loved the redhead beyond measure. At the same time hate and anger were also foremost in her mind whenever she thought about Willow. Love, hate, anger…Tara felt that living life with Willow made for one hell of a ride. She was beginning to feel hell was the right choice of word.



How can loving someone be like hell on earth? And if it starts to feel this way, will it ever stop? I have to stop this or neither of us will ever be able to really live again…god, I’m so tired…



Tara heard sounds coming from the living room and walked in to see the Summers sisters watching cartoons on TV. An inane distraction that reminded Tara that she was not the only one having a difficult time.



“How’s the patient?” Buffy asked, looking up from the TV, Dawn was lying with her head in her sister’s lap, her eyes puffy and red.



Tara flopped into the welcome arms of a nearby armchair and closed her eyes for a few seconds. Her own eyes were even more red rimmed and puffy than Dawn’s. She felt herself start to drift off and quickly shook her head, opening her eyes. The last thing she wanted to do was sleep, sleep led to dreams, dreams to nightmares…and that was generally unpleasant.



“I’m not sure really…she’s been completely out of it most of the time,” Tara replied, “The periods that she’s lucid she’s either vomiting or dry-heaving.”



“Yeah…we heard the screaming…” Buffy bit her lip and went back to staring at the TV for a few moments, not entirely sure how to deal with the situation, mostly it was just distressing and painful to hear Willow cry out for something she couldn’t have.



“I think the worst of it is over…she’s a lot calmer now, still hasn’t really said much though,” Tara was glad for that, she wasn’t sure if she ever wanted to talk to Willow again.



Buffy studied Tara’s drawn face and frown lines appeared on her forehead, “You’re not looking so hot yourself Tara. You should let me take over for a bit, I don’t think you’ve slept since you got home.”



“I slept,” Tara replied simply.



It had been an unintentional sleep. She had been sitting watching Willow sleep when the next thing she remembered was opening her eyes to find her head nestled into the soft pillow. In her sleep she had tucked Willow close into her body, her arm snugly around her waist. Tara had jerked away and rolled off the bed as though awaking to find herself in her worst nightmare…in which many ways she was. Afterwards she wasn’t sure what scared her the most. The mere fact of unconsciously holding Willow close or that she hadn’t wanted to let go.



“Why can’t Willow go away?” Dawn muttered angrily, “Isn’t there some place we can send her…y’know, a clinic or something so she doesn’t have to be here with us?”



Tara managed a weak smile of sympathy, at least Dawn could vent her anger. She had to keep a tight reign on her own…clutching it to her chest like a warped version of a comfy blankie.



“I don’t think they have a clinic for people addicted to magicks Dawnie. She has to be here with us…so we can look after her,” Tara replied calmly, and so we can all be reminded that she isn’t the only one to blame, we all helped perpetuate it…



“But she hurt you!” Dawn sat up, resentful and unforgiving in the way only a teenager could be, “Why should you have to look after her? Willow did it to herself!”



Buffy reached up to lay a restraining and comforting hand on Dawn’s shoulder but she shrugged it off. It was difficult for Dawn to accept any of what was happening at that time. The delight she had exhibited when Tara had chosen to stay with Willow had become disbelief. She didn’t understand why Willow would turn to the magicks when she had such a good thing already with Tara. Didn’t she love her enough? Dawn wanted to ask someone these questions but her sister was reticent on the issue and Tara…had suddenly fallen asleep in the armchair.



Buffy was already reaching to pick the blonde witch up in her arms. Slayer strength made her weigh hardly more than a feather.



“Put…me…down…Buffy,” Tara whispered groggily as she half-woke with the motion.



“What are you going to do about it? Slayer here remember…you are going to bed to get a decent rest,” Buffy said firmly as she started up the stairs.



Buffy deposited the Tara in her own bed rather than anywhere near their patient. Tugging her shoes off, she then drew the covers up and tucked them securely around her. Buffy watched the exhausted witch sleep for a few moments, looking at her with a heartfelt admiration. The blonde possessed a strength equal to that of any Slayer, it just wasn’t manifested physically. She bent down and planted a light kiss on her forehead,



“Sweet dreams,” the Slayer whispered before exiting, closing the door gently behind her.



*****



“You’ve got your yummy face on,” Tara whispered teasingly.



“Do not,” Willow replied just as teasingly but at the same time burrowing into Tara’s side.



The witches were sitting outside in the warm summer’s evening, two plates completely scraped clean of what had been apple pie lay on the ground beside them. Tara lay back on the rug, easing Willow down with her until they were entwined comfortably on their backs. Willow tucked her head under Tara’s chin.



“I don’t see the big pineapple tonight,” Willow gazed up at the stars.



“That’s cos it’s not there silly,” Tara replied, stroking her lovers cheek, “We’re looking at a different sky. Y’know what I do see though? The cutest pair of breasts in the heavens.”



Willow giggled, “Where?”



Tara cheekily reached a hand up and lightly stroked Willow’s breast, tweaking the nipple through the thin fabric of her t-shirt, “Right here.”



“Awww, I was kinda looking forward to seeing a breast constellation,” Willow said after exhaling breathily, wondering how such frequent contact always felt as though it were a repeat of the very first time – unique and surprising.



“We can find one sweetie, I’m sure there are some spare stars we can borrow somewhere,” Tara pursed her lips in concentration as she studied the stars for a few moments before pointing, “How about those ones…there.”



Willow considered for a few moments, “No, not perky enough.”



“Will, you have to face the fact that you can’t look for perfection in everything you see, you have to use your imagination,” Tara poked fun at her perfectionist girlfriend.



Willow propped herself up on her elbow and did a little star gazing in a different direction. Tara’s sapphire eyes looked back up at her, so unguarded, revealing her glowing love in an instant. Willow felt a little overwhelmed, could she ever live up to what was said in that look? With a feather-light finger she traced a straight line down Tara’s forehead, over her nose and to her lips. There it lingered, stroking, gently prising the lips apart. Willow lent over and placed her own lips where her finger had been.



“My imagination has had little to do since you came into my life,” she whispered, her lips poised just a hairsbreadth above Tara’s, “It’s as though with you someone has taken all my dreams, my hopes…and done them up in the most gorgeous package they could come up with.”



Tara hugged herself a little tighter as she slept, unconsciously pulling the covers tight around her body as though to ward something off…or keep something in.



*****



”Where are you baby?” Willow frantically looked this way and that, trying to find her lover, “Can you even hear me?”



Willow looked around but all she saw through the pounding rain in every direction was a cemetery. Rain ran in rivulets down the tombstones. A sudden flash of lightening immediately chased by the accompanying thunder made her whimper softly. Her clothes, her hair were plastered to her body and she was so cold. Her bare feet were frozen as they touched the grass and mud beneath her feet. Yet despite her numbness, Willow knew that if she could just find Tara everything would be alright again…



“Witch!” the voice was loud, guttural.



Willow spun around to see four, no five vampires standing in a cluster mere meters away. She took a hasty step backwards and tripped herself up in the process. She scrambled backwards on all fours but was slipping in the mud, going nowhere.



“You have something we want witch!”



“I won’t tell you!” Willow hissed.



“We can be persuasive,” one laughed as he took a long, wicked-looking knife from his belt, picking his nails with it as he moved closer.



“I-I’d die first,” Willow tried to sound more convincing that she felt.



“Yes, you might, but that won’t stop us ripping it out of you,” he made a jerking motion with the knife.



Willow inched backwards away from the vampires but before she could scramble to her feet and run, she was falling. A split second later she slammed into a couple of inches of mud. Looking around she realised she had fallen into an open grave…Willow screamed.



*****

Buffy took over Willow-watching duty while Tara rested. Mostly it just involved sitting and watching Willow toss and turn in her sleep.



Buffy sat up with a fright from where she had been dozing in a chair when Willow screamed. She found Willow awake, breathing heavily like she’d just run an incredibly long race. Buffy shifted in her seat, a little uncomfortable. It was the first time she had been face to face with Willow following everything that happened. While Tara’s account of that night’s events had been sketchy at best, Buffy had still managed to garner enough of the facts to know that it had been very bad indeed. Words could not express how angry she was at Willow, she didn’t know whether she could go a round of conversation without disowning her best friend completely.



“Where’s Tara?” Willow spoke up when her breathing had slowed, saying the first thing that popped into her head.



It was the logical thing to ask. Every time Willow had woken from a nightmarish dream in which she searched for Tara but couldn’t find her, Tara had been there. Holding her head while she vomited or coughed up disgusting amounts of dirty bile.



“She’s asleep,” Buffy replied tersely.



Willow nodded slightly, unsurprised by Buffy’s tone. It was to be expected but it didn’t make things any more straightforward.



“Good, she should be asleep…that’s good…” Willow spoke carefully, “She looked tired…”



Buffy was a little surprised. Despite Willow’s arduous withdrawal she had still managed to be perfectly aware of how Tara was feeling. Or maybe not that surprising considering the look on the redheads face…Tara was all she could think about.



“Buffy…” Willow began saying something and Buffy knew by her tone it was to be an apology of sorts.



“I don’t want to hear it Will…I’m not ready yet. I’m not even sure if there is anything you could say,” Buffy knew her words were more than a little cruel but she needed to say them for her own sake, “I do want to hear why though…how could you do that after all Tara has done for you?”



Willow shook her head weakly, indicating that any stuff conversation topic was still well and truly off limits. There was only one person that she was willing to go through that sort of pain for right now…and it wasn’t the Slayer. She was willing to rake herself over the coals for an eternity if it would satisfy Tara.



“All I can tell you is it’s over…I give you my word,” Willow bit her lip, her word counted for very little.



“I’d like to believe you,” Buffy’s voice betrayed that she was far from convinced.



“I need you to Buffy,” Willow pleaded.



“Willow, It’s easy to say it’s over, that you’ve finished with it, the hard part is going through with it. Tara tried to help you last time and you went behind her back. You lied to her, to all your friends and it hurts me to say it but you deserve everything you’re feeling right now,” Buffy meant every one of her cutting words, “The only thing that will convince anyone is time. We love you Willow, we all do…we just aren’t going to break out the balloons and start celebrating because you say it’s over.”



“What do I have to do?” Willow’s voice was small, crushed.



“Whatever it takes…you want something to eat?” Buffy stood, relieved to finally had found an excuse to leave the room, even if it was only for the length of time it took to heat some soup.



“I really don’t think I can manage…” Willow felt nauseous again with the mere mention of food.



“Tara said you haven’t eaten anything, I’ll go and fix you something…”



Buffy paused with her hand on the doorframe and wondered if it was alright to leave Willow alone. She considered asking Dawn to make something to eat before thinking better of it. It was highly doubtful the teenager wanted to do anything for Willow at the moment. Willow was watching Buffy’s hesitation with a pained expression.



“Buffy, I can hardly get out of bed much less conjure the forces of darkness and cause havoc…I can be left alone,” Willow was reconciled to the fact that no one would ever trust her again.



After drumming her fingers on the doorframe for a few moments as though she still didn’t believe Willow’s promise, Buffy finally left. Willow sighed and rolled over to face away from the door and wished she could do the same with her life. She knew she had to face up to everything that had happened, it just didn’t seem worth the effort anymore.



*****



Willow shifted uncomfortably in the bed, tugging uselessly at the covers stacked around her. She was sick of the endless hours of lying in bed and yet every time she had tried to throw back the covers and get up, nothing wanted to work the way it used to. Every corner of the room, every item of furniture had been burned into her consciousness she had spent so long staring at it. Someone had removed absolutely anything to do with magic that had previously been in the room, for that Willow was grateful. Her friends weren’t the only ones with trust issues.



Willow sat up a little straighter and tried to look a little less frustrated when Tara came back into the room carrying a cup of tea. Despite feeling a lot more coherent, Willow found herself to be no more capable of normal conversation. However, she decided that arose more out of her remorse than any residual sickness.



“Thank you…” it was all Willow could think to say in the circumstances, after Tara had spent days at her bedside being babbled to and vomited on, “I-I…I’m so sorry…but thank you for being here.”



When Tara didn’t reply as she set a steaming cup of tea down on the bedside table, Willow thought she saw a momentary tightening of the lips in anger. She looked away quickly, focusing on the tea instead as she ever so carefully picked it up. Even the cup felt like a brick as she picked it up, her muscles felt like jelly. Her hand shook lightly and a small drop splashed on to the bed covers over her chest. Willow’s lip trembled, she felt like bursting into tears. She had thanked Tara for being there for her…yet it many ways it would have been easier if she wasn’t. For one thing, Willow wouldn’t have a constant, walking reminder of her insanity.



“I don’t understand,” Willow’s voice broke and she quickly swallowed a sip of tea, “Tara…why are you still here?”



“You want me to leave?” as Tara said it Willow somehow knew that she really meant to say I want to leave.



“I was expecting you to leave…you should,” Willow had to set the cup back on the table before she dropped it altogether.



Tara smiled sardonically as she pushed the cup further on to the table, it had been in serious danger of falling off where Willow had set it, “I think I missed my exit.”



Willow looked at Tara with a bewildered expression, she deserved cryptic but she wanted concise. It made things so much clearer…but definitely not easier.



Tara saw her look and continued, “There was a point where I guess I could have made a dignified exit and everyone, including you would have understood…and no doubt even agreed that it was the right thing to do. Unfortunately for both our sakes I think that point has long since passed. Will…I wanted to stay and help you get over it. I was so stuck on knowing that I could bring you back that I didn’t for a moment stop to consider that I would only make things worse.”



“You can’t be seriously trying to blame yourself for any of this!” Willow spoke up, alarmed Tara would even think that.



“How can I not? I was blind, I ignored all the signs…allowing you to continue what you were doing, supporting you even. And now, to think about leaving you alone to deal with what I helped create? Well…I can’t Will.”



“And that’s why you’re staying? Because you screwed up past the point of no return?” Willow asked in a resigned voice, “You have to fix your mistake before you can turn your back on it?”



“Oh Will…” Tara began plaintively before biting her lip and quickly looking towards the curtain-covered window, “Willow, I have to help you through this…and then…”



“Then you’re going to leave?” Willow picked up her cup again, more to have something to look at than actually drink it.



Tara didn’t reply, she just walked over to the window and her hand lifted as though to draw the curtain before she quickly drew it back. The sun was shining and she remembered Willow saying yesterday that the light hurt her eyes. Willow was looking at Tara furtively, alternating between staring at her steaming cup and Tara’s impassive face.



“Tara, do you think…I mean…I know I have absolutely no right to even ask but is there anything I can do…because…”



“Will…don’t start…”



Tara drew back the curtain the merest fraction and a thin beam of sunlight filtered into the room. Willow squinted at the light, gradually becoming used to it.



“I love you…” Willow whispered.



“I love you too…but just how damn much is beginning to terrify me more than a little,” Tara tugged the curtain open a little further and left it there, she turned back to Willow, “I have to go to class…want me to pick up your readings for you?”



Willow nodded and the room felt colder when Tara left. At least she could now watch the single sunbeam play as it made its way across the room. When hope felt so distant…and truth evaded all attempts to reach it…there was always love. The sunbeam shone a little brighter.



*****



Tara knew it had been a mistake even trying to go to class. As the class ended, she glanced down at the page on her notepad and saw she had only managed to write the date and the title of the lecture. Before gathering up her notes she glanced at Willow’s schedule, mentally noting the lecturers she had to visit to ask for Willow’s readings.



What do I say to them? she mused, Willow has a magic problem? She’s sick…that’s all I can say.



Tara exited the building and was making her way down the hall when she felt the presence of several people invading her space. Looking around furtively she saw there were three rather well-built but otherwise typical looking male students walking around her, hemming her in. One suddenly put his arm around her as though she were his girlfriend. Tara felt something cool, hard being pressed against her back and froze in shock. A gun? The forces of darkness weren’t supposed to use guns…



“Don’t even think about calling for help blondie or trying a silly little spell,” the one with the gun hissed in her ear, “I’ll shoot you in front of any number of witnesses without a thought. Just keep walking straight ahead, out the doors.”



His arm stayed securely around her waist, Tara had a look of utter panic on her face but no one around her noticed. They made it across the campus with no one stopping to ask any questions. In the throngs of people, Tara was as helpless as she had been when Glory had held her hand in the middle of a crowded fair.



A car was waiting once they reached the street, the door was pulled open and Tara was pushed inside. She looked across the seat and the last thing she remembered before the butt of the gun cracked across the back of her head and everything faded into blackness was the scarred, mocking face of the warlock.



TBC

Edited by: KiwiAlcyone at: 1/15/04 6:26 pm

[4WiccanLuv]

Alcy, I’ve been reading your story since day one. *gasps* Turbo angst ahead, I’m on the edge of my seat here! Great stuff, so dark and excruciatingly painful! I really like the direction you’ve taken the “addiction” storyline, much more plausible, IMO. And you seem to have the Scooby dynamic down perfectly!



I can honestly say this is the first time, while reading a fic, I’ve wanted to Willow upside the head! And I’m glad Buffy didn’t coddle her either, that’s the last thing she needs. Willow sounds so sure she’s through with the magicks, but I doubt it’s gonna be that easy!



I had a huge knot in my stomach throughout Willow and Tara’s last exchange, it felt so honest and raw. Seems as though Willow has hurt Tara beyond repair. Personally, I don’t see how they can ever come back from that, but I’ll leave it in your capable hands.



Two more quick things …I really loathe Rack! And the whole, “Dawn of Uranus” had me



Thanks for sharing your great talent. Look forward to more!

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others." - Groucho Marx

[sam darls]

Wow..this is absolutely amazing, it really is. I love it. Love sammi xx

"Sometimes things happen between people that you don't really expect. And sometimes the things that are important are the ones that seem the weirdest or the most wrong. And those are the ones that change your life." - Jessie Sammler (Evan Rachel Wood)

[JennY]

I am so into this fic! I can't wait for an update.