AHCK (Anguished Heartbroken Cliffhanger, Kittens) Warning applies.Rating: M15 High level angst.
There was silence for a long moment, as Willow gathered her thoughts and courage for what she was about to say. She looked sideways at Tara and for a second Willow’s resolve failed her, for Tara was sitting with her head on her chest, her eyes downcast and her back bent. It was the way Tara sometimes used to sit when Will had first met her, that poor shy, stammering awkward girl who looked for all the world like a balloon with half the air let out of it. For the briefest instant Willow thought that it was indeed that Tara sitting next to her, but a moment later the hacker caught sight of one of Tara’s blue eyes, and she could perceive that beneath Tara’s sadness and apprehension about what Willow was about to say, she was still the new Tara, with her resilient innerspring of vampire strength, the returned, indestructible Tara.
Remember, Willow said to herself, it’s not about what the demon said to us tonight. I’ve been around evil long enough to know that their currency is lies. Although it had succinctly articulated the hacker’s fears, and in all probability Tara’s as well. It’s also not about the violence, which was almost never a part of the gone, human Tara. It was not seeing Tara thrust a steel picket through a priest’s body tonight, pinning him to the chamber wall and leaving him wriggling like a fish. Willow had fought evil, staked vampires, beheaded demons, it was nothing out of the ordinary. And it wasn’t the fact that Tara was so skilled at it. So what? Buffy had been Willow’s best friend for years and she was the most efficient killing machine on the planet.
“We need to talk about us,” Willow said slowly. Tara nodded again, wordlessly. “Actually, we need to talk about me. Tara, I’ve been going through so much lately, and I’m so grateful for all you’ve done, but – I’m reaching – I’m at a point where I need – I need Tara. My Tara.”
“I’m here, Will,” Tara said, quietly but without real confidence. “I hope.”
“But are you? Remember that first night, I begged you – I wanted to know if there was some part of the real Tara still in you. You never answered me.”
“Because I didn’t know. I still don’t know.” Tara put her head into her hands.
“I was okay with it for a while,” Willow said, reaching out a tentative hand and placing it on Tara’s shoulder. “But now I really have to know.”
Tara turned, her eyes red and brimming with tears. “I – I’m – this isn’t a surprise. I wondered when it would come to this. I’m so sorry Willow. I’ve brought you nothing but suffering ever since I came back. I said I wouldn’t hurt you and it’s all I’ve done.””
“No, I did it to myself. I - murdered - two people,” Willow replied, stumbling over the words. “I can’t go on from here without Tara beside me. I need her, if she’s a part of you, I need her now to show me what to do. Should I – do I need to go to prison for what I did? Or what? I just can’t figure it out for myself, I feel as if I didn’t have any choice in any of what I did. I need help.”
The vampire looked down. “You’ve shown me and told me about everything that happened,” she said. “Warren was a murdering, raping piece of scum, worse than any vampire. He deserved to die for what he did to Katrina, let alone what he did to Buffy – and me. And Rack was evil; Will, I’m not even convinced he was human. I despise them both. I can’t imagine any punishment being fair to you, Willow, not after what they put you through already.”
“Which is why,” Willow said unhappily, “I don’t think this is going to work. You could be just a pragmatic, soulless vampire giving me this advice. It could be –
Spike,” Willow whispered the name, almost as if she was afraid to say it out loud. “But I don’t want this to be about whether you have a soul or not,” she added quickly. “I don’t believe what that demon said tonight, idiot First Evil guy. It doesn’t have to be your soul, I just need – I don’t know what, just something – of Tara.”
“I’ve looked and looked, Will,” the vampire said sadly. “I have my memories, but I can’t find anything else. Whenever I’ve been alone, it’s all I’ve ever thought about. But it’s like there’s – nothing.”
“Maybe you’re looking in the wrong place,” Willow suggested, squeezing Tara’s arm.
“I don’t know, I don’t know,” Tara moaned. “Where do we go from here?”
“I hate myself for saying this,” Willow hesitated, “but if you are just vampire Tara, I need to – let you go. You deserve to be free, to be away from Sunnydale and Slayers, free to be yourself. It’s the way it should be. Because I know that vampire and mortal, it can never last.”
“I know it can’t, but I don’t think I want to live as any sort of vampire – if it’s without you,” Tara said.
Willow looked at Tara sadly. “You know, if you were the jealous angry vamp, now would be the time to go all grrr, and bite me. I – wouldn’t put up a fight; it might be what I deserved all along, for what I did. Just – don’t turn me. Anything but that.”
“I will never bite you out of anger. And I will never turn you.”
“Then there’s two reasons to have hope,” Willow tried to smile, but she couldn’t.
“If you need an answer, then I need to go find it. I guess I better go now,” Tara sighed, standing and walking to the wardrobe to get a bag.
All of a sudden, Willow’s determination failed her. “Y-you could stay one more night. Leave in the morning.”
“No, I can’t,” Tara pointed out.
“Sunset tomorrow?” Tara dropped her bag and rushed into Willow’s arms. They clung and kissed desperately. “Don’t go, don’t go,” Willow begged.
“Willow.”
“I can’t do this.”
“We can do this. We can be strong.”
“Strong like an Amazon?” Willow whispered.
“Strong like an Amazon, right.” They kissed again, tenderly, for a long time. When it ended, Willow rested her trembling forehead against Tara’s.
“How long?” Willow asked.
“I don’t know. I hope just a few days. I need to think. I might need to visit the Magic Box.”
“When will I know?”
“I’ll call you,” Tara answered. She closed her eyes and placed a hand on her forehead.
“How did you do that?” Willow asked an instant later. “It felt like a door bell in my head!”
“When you next hear that, it means I have the answer.”
“I can’t believe we’re being so calm about this – break-up,” Willow said.
“We’re not breaking up,” Tara insisted. “We’re not. It’s just a little time – to find ourselves.” She returned to her bag, threw in a few items of clothing, not too many, and zipped it closed.
With just a small bag of clothes, her guitar, and a few dollars in her pocket, Tara slowly walked down the stairs. From the upstairs landing, Willow watched her go, almost in disbelief. In her mind she was screaming at Tara to stop, to turn around and run back upstairs and ravish her and never leave her or talk of leaving her again. I don’t care if you’re a soulless demon; I love you more than my life. Stay! Drain me if you must! But Willow’s rational self held those wild thoughts in check. At the bottom of the stairs Tara turned and looked up. Her eyes were wet.
“It’s not goodbye. We’ll see each other soon. I know why you – we – have to do this, Willow. I understand. I’ll keep looking, I’ll find the answer. Soon. We’ll see each other soon.” Tara turned and left.
When the front door quietly snicked shut, Willow ran back to her bedroom and threw herself on the bed. Finally, she let her tears flow.
End of Episode 1.8
Everybody knew Bagheera, and nobody cared to cross his
path; for he was as cunning as Tabaqui, as bold as the wild buffalo, and as reckless as the wounded elephant. But he had a voice as soft as wild honey dripping from a tree, and a skin softer than down. Rudyard Kipling
Can I bribe you into doing the next update tonight?? Please?? 
...ok, i guess that conversation between them could be kinda sad. 
is growing and becoming more like her old self right now. What might she want to say to : -->
?
Looking forward to it. I'm wondering what this twistedness is, that you are talking about. I hope it's not what I think it might be. 
Please don't let it be that. 
Bagheera 
, I'll pay that comment, that's good. But OTOH it's sort of a naive notion of Dawn's. It's the hub of the question, though; is : -->
I feel really stupid for asking this, but what does gratuitous mean? 