Title:
The Dark Rose - Chapter 14 (Who Am I?)Author: Dark Magic Willow
Email:
darkmagickwillow@yahoo.comRating: R, mostly for violence, no explicit sex
Pairing: W/T
Spoilers: All episodes through the end of season 6 though this story takes place 18-19 years after the end of season 6.
Feedback: Yes! Constructive criticism is always welcome.
Summary: Tara learns more of their past.
Magic Note: Magic, even dark magic, is not addictive in my universe, so there are no withdrawal symptoms and no dark magic dealers. Here Rack was a dark magic teacher who used his students, not a dealer. However, you can use too much magic and you can be corrupted by the power it gives you.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BtVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc.
Acknowledgements: Many thanks to Amanda and Juli for making time during the holidays to read this chapter and make so many suggestions that helped me improve this difficult scene.
The Dark Rose
Chapter 14: Who Am I?Willow smiled as she watched Tara walk off to her meeting, the morning sun transforming her long hair into a stream of golden fire. She was so beautiful and she didn't even realize it. It was well worth getting up early and eating healthy food just to see Tara.
Her smile broadened as she recalled their first kiss over a week before. It had been soft and sweet and long. So long. And Tara had kissed
her. Her life had changed in that moment. Hope had blossomed into joy.
She was getting her life back, the life she had lost so long ago in a single instant of time. The deep wound in her heart was beginning to close, allowing her feelings to return to her like sap returning to the branches of a rosebush after the long dormancy of a cold, barren winter. The promise of spring, of rebirth and renewal, was here for her in the form of Tara. The end of winter was in sight.
She smiled again as she walked down the street. The world that had seemed so empty and meaningless only a few weeks ago was bright with morning sun and filled with relaxed people going about their Saturday morning business. Her smile faded as she wondered, not for the first time, how she would fit back into the everyday life of the world. As far as the rest of the world knew, Willow Rosenberg had disappeared many years ago and was presumed dead. She didn't have a driver's license, work history, or even a passport as she simply hadn't needed such things in years past.
She shook her head to clear out the worries. She had Tara back. Everything else was going to be easy. She couldn't help herself from grinning as she told herself again that she had Tara back. Every day was wonderful, starting with breakfast together at the bagel place then either talking together or waiting for Tara to get out of morning classes so they could meet for lunch.
She usually read in the afternoons, catching up on the world she had missed as she waited for Tara to get out of class so they could have dinner together. After dinner, they would work on spells together. Her grin expanded as she recalled how that usually turned into wonderfully long, slow sessions of kissing and caressing each other. The only part that wasn't perfect was leaving Tara at night, but she was content to let Tara control the pace of their burgeoning relationship.
Looking up, Willow realized that she had reached the bookshop where she had planned to spend her time waiting for Tara to return from her meeting. She walked through the bookstore, enjoying the feel of being just another customer as no one paid any particular attention to her. She ignored the occult section in favor of history. She found a comfy chair and quickly became engrossed in one of the many new books that had been published while she had been focused solely on the dark arts.
Time passed quickly as she read about the resolution of the Middle East crisis. It had all seemed so important then. Now it was just a detail of history. All that effort had been expended uselessly. Her thoughts were broken off by the churning of her stomach. In retrospect, she realized that it had been bothering her for a few minutes, but she had been too focused to notice at the time. She rubbed her belly uneasily as she wondered what might have caused the upset when she suddenly realized it was Tara who was upset, not her. What could be happening at that meeting?
She forced herself to stare back down at her book and read several pages before realizing that she hadn't taken in any of what she had just read. She couldn't concentrate with this feeling. It was growing stronger. Putting the book down on the table beside her chair, she stood up.
She didn't want to see Giles just yet, but if Tara was this upset she had to go find her. She quickly left the bookstore and focused on Tara's location; she was moving quickly away from the school. Willow began to run to try to catch up with Tara, wondering where she was going and why she was so distressed.
As she walked through the black iron gates of the cemetery where Tara was buried, Willow had a sinking feeling. As her sense of Tara's location guided her towards the familiar grave site, her feelings were confirmed. Giles had told her either about Willow's past or her own. She didn't know exactly what he had said to Tara, but she was already furious. How dare he try to break them apart after all they had gone through?
Her fists clenched as she saw Tara at the top of the hill looking down at her own tombstone. Giles had been willing to inflict all that pain on Tara just to hurt her for what she had done. Maybe Willow deserved the pain, but Tara certainly didn't. Her dark eyes flashed as she thought about what she wanted to do to him. She should have let him die underneath the Watcher's Council all those years ago. Instead she had saved his life and this was how he repaid her.
Taking deep breaths as she slowly walked up the hill, Willow tried to calm herself. She could deal with Giles' betrayal later. Now she had to focus on Tara. What was she thinking now? Was she horrified by what she had learned about Willow's past? Her heart pounded loudly in her chest as she thought about Tara turning away from her.
What could she say to reassure Tara? She had thought many times about how to tell Tara of her past, but the words in her mind had never felt right. No matter how poor her words, it would have been better if Tara had heard this from her. Her past was horrifying, but there had been so much that was good about their past, before all the darkness.
It had all been her fault. If she hadn't driven Tara away, then she wouldn't have been standing in front of the window that afternoon. They probably would have caught Warren earlier if they had stayed together. This time she would do everything right. She would stay together with Tara and protect her no matter what. Now she had to walk up that hill and tell Tara that.
She told herself again and again that everything would be okay no matter what Giles had told Tara. She walked up to the grave where Tara was standing, her back to Willow as she looked down at her own tombstone. As she approached, Tara turned towards her and looked at her like she was seeing her for the first time. Tara's eyes lingered on her face, on her shirt, on her hands, before trailing away to look behind her.
When Tara's eyes returned to her face, she looked incredibly lost. "Who am I?" she asked, almost breaking Willow's heart.
"You're Tara," Willow answered, "You're always Tara."
"I'm not her!" Tara shouted, her eyes wild. She refused to let her identity be subsumed by the past. She was just beginning to learn who she was--daughter, friend, and maybe even lover. She couldn't bear it if Willow had only come for the past Tara and not her, but she couldn't give up all that she was and could be even for Willow.
"You are and you aren't," Willow answered, her eyes unreadable behind dark glasses. She forced her voice to remain steady, her face calm, as she spoke, feeling as if she was walking along a tightrope. The slightest misstep could send them both plunging into the abyss. If she could only find the right words, she could coax Tara back to safety.
"Is
she the one you're looking for?" Tara demanded forcefully, striving to pull some sort of emotional response out of Willow. Her body trembled as a tempest of conflicting emotions raged within her. She was drowning in this storm of doubts and fears, her identity dissolving in a sea of uncertainty, while Willow stood there calm and collected, unaffected by her struggle as if she hadn't even noticed it, much less cared about it.
"
You are the one I'm looking for," Willow said, the desperation of her fears of losing Tara breaking through her defences to be heard in her voice. The iron walls she'd erected to hold back her feelings had stood solidly for many years, but they were failing her now, betrayed from within by the strength of her feelings for Tara.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Tara raged, her blue eyes flashing with anger, the fury of a storm within her unabated. The hints of emotion she'd heard in Willow's voice inspired her to dig deeper, to claw her way through the walls which hid Willow's elusive inner self.
"I wanted to wait for the right time," Willow said, pulling off her sunglasses and letting them fall unheeded to the ground. She struggled to hold her defences together despite the battering they were sustaining both from within and without. There was too much inside her to tell Tara all at once. She had to save both of them from the flood of words and feelings that would burst forth if the dam inside her broke.
"Was there ever going to be a right time?" Tara challenged, the storm of emotions within her not nearly spent yet.
"Yes," Willow said, her voice anguished as her walls continued to crumble under the assault of the storm. "I wanted you to come to me because you loved me, not because you felt obliged to. I wanted us to have her relationship based on us first, not on the past."
Willow had been too late then, too late to realize that she was driving Tara away, too late to win Tara back, and finally too late to realize that she didn't need a spell to resurrect Tara. She didn't have to make that mistake again. She couldn't hold back and calmly decide what was best to say to guide Tara through her crisis. She had to leave the protection of her walls behind and join Tara in the midst of the storm, having faith that they would find their way through it together.
"How did you find me?" Tara asked, the maelstrom of emotions raging within her slowly ebbing as she felt Willow begin to respond to her emotionally.
"The soul gem," Willow said softly. "It showed me that you were in Sunnydale, so I came back, then I met you here the night I arrived." She paused a moment before continuing. "I spent all those years trying to find you, and you were here all along." Willow smiled bitterly at the irony. So much time and effort and pain expended for nothing.
Tara felt the change in full now, a willing opening in Willow's defences where there had been none before. She realized that she wasn't lost alone in this sea of uncertainty. Willow was here with her. "How did I die?" Tara asked, trying to find how they had been parted before and understand what that meant for them now.
"We were talking in our bedroom," Willow said, her words coming faster with each breath as if she could avoid seeing the scene again in her mind's eye if she could just get the words out quickly enough. "I heard the clink of breaking glass and felt something warm splatter on to my shirt." She unconsciously brushed a hand across her shirt as if trying to wipe away that long ago stain.
"You fell. I tried to catch you ... You were gone so suddenly." Willow shook her head sharply. "I tried to bring you back, but I couldn't." Her voice breaking, the walls within her collapsing completely, Willow repeated, "I couldn't." She fell to her knees as tears began falling from her eyes, the first she'd shed since Tara's funeral. She looked into Tara's face pleadingly as she extended one hand towards her. "I'm so sorry."
Tara's heart broke as she saw all the sorrow and fear on Willow's face. It was as if she was afraid Tara would leave her for what had happened that long ago afternoon. She stepped closer to Willow and wrapped her arms tightly around her, letting Willow bury her face in her midriff.
It hadn't been Willow's fault. It hadn't even been the ending that Willow had thought it was. She had thought that Willow had all the answers, but now she knew that Willow was as lost as she and had been for so long. Kneeling down on the soft ground of the grave, Tara let Willow sob into her shoulder as she gently stroked her long hair.
As the dam holding back her tears shattered under the unbearable pressure within, Willow clung tightly to Tara as if she were the only safe harbor in the world, the only thing that could save her from drowning in her sorrow. Willow had lost so much, and she was afraid she was going to lose it all again today. Tara's death was her fault, as was everything that happened afterwards. How could Tara not blame her as she blamed herself? As she wept, she repeated "I'm sorry" over and over like a mantra.
Tara cradled Willow in her arms as sobs racked her slender form, comforting her with tender touches and soft wordless sounds of reassurance. It tore at her heart to see Willow this way, but she couldn't bring herself to murmur words of reassurance. She didn't know if everything was going to be okay. She didn't know if anything was going to be okay.
The storm's fury was diminishing, but she was still lost at sea, reeling from the revelation of her past. Their past. She held hope in her arms though. They were both lost, but they had found each other. That had to mean something.
Willow looked up into Tara's face, her eyes red and swollen from crying. "I'm sorry," she said once more.
Tara looked lovingly down into Willow's eyes and whispered softly, "It's not your fault."
Willow shook her head. "Not about that," she said, her voice still thick with tears. "I came here because I felt you were confused and upset, then I ended up crying all over you."
Tara gently stroked Willow's cheek. "It's okay," she said, her eyes full of compassionate understanding. She relaxed her arms around Willow.
Willow sat up, wiping tears from her eyes. She knew that she looked a mess, but she felt calmer, better, except her eyes were sore and her throat aching from the force of her sobs.
Tara tenderly brushed tears away from Willow's cheek. She didn't ask any more questions immediately, giving Willow time to recover. To be honest, she needed some time herself too.
Willow had seen her die.
The idea left her unsettled. She felt a sense of loss, but she wasn't sure what she had lost. It wasn't as if she could mourn her own passing. She was alive and well after all. Who had died that day?
Sadness intermingled with the confusion that dominated her feelings, but she didn't know who she had to feel sad about. She was herself, wasn't she? But was she also that Tara? All that she had of the past were her dreams. And Willow.
And Willow.
"I know remembering that time is hard for you, but can I ask some more questions?" Tara asked quietly, looking back up at Willow.
Willow's eyes were shadowed with worry, her heart full of trepidation, but she nodded assent anyway. Tara had to know. They had to build their relationship in the light, no matter how scared Willow was of what Tara would see when she could no longer hide who she was in the darkness.
"Did you kill the person who shot me?" Tara asked.
"Yes," Willow confessed, forcing herself to meet Tara's eyes. She couldn't bring herself to feel sorry for that deed. It had been justice, not simply revenge, but as she looked into the shattered innocence of Tara's eyes, she regretted what her choice had done to them both.
"I tried to kill his accomplices," she continued, standing up and crossing her arms. Her tense fingers dug into the sides of her arms as she gripped them tightly. Willow looked down at the grave as she spoke. "I absorbed more power, and its darkness consumed me." She bit her lip. "I tried to end the world, to stop everyone's pain and suffering along with my own." Willow broke off and looked into the distance as she tried to find the words to make sense of all this for Tara.
"I ... I wasn't myself then," Willow said. "That's no excuse. I chose the actions that led me to that point so I have to accept their consequences." She paused a moment, unbuttoning the cuff of her shirt and rolling up the sleeve to show Tara the long pale scar that ran from her wrist to her elbow. She continued, "And afterwards, I tried to kill myself." She kept her gaze firmly on the ground.
Tara had hoped it all wasn't true. But it was. She stumbled back away from Willow until she backed into the tombstone. She sank down beside it, running one hand along the cool, smooth marble surface.
The cold stone reminded her of why Willow had done these things. It was her death that had set these events in motion. She couldn't think any more about that right now though. Yet what had happened? The murderer had been killed, his accomplices pursued, but the world hadn't ended. Despite all of her grief, Willow had backed away from that terrible deed on her own.
Tara looked down at the scar marring the smooth skin of Willow's arm. Willow had tried to die in order to atone for her sins. Tara couldn't hate her. She used her hands on the gravestone to pull herself up. With a few steps, she closed the distance between them that had seemed immeasurable only a few moments ago.
She stood there a moment looking at Willow, trying to gather her courage. She was afraid. There was so much darkness in Willow's past. Their past. Yet her heart had a bravery all its own, a willingness to risk in defiance of her doubts and fears.
She gently pulled Willow's chin up so that Willow had to look into her eyes. "I'm not leaving you," she said, gazing steadily into the darkness of Willow's eyes.
Willow's eyes were bleak as they met Tara's. "That's not all," she said, shaking her head against Tara's gentle touch. She wished it was that easy, that she'd had told the worst already. She didn't want to tell Tara the rest, but their new beginning had to be based in trust and truth. Deception had lost her Tara once before, and she had gotten her back too late.
"I killed people," she said, her voice low and barely audible. She swallowed and looked away before continuing. "The Watchers sent a team to kill me. I killed them, then destroyed the Council of Watchers. That's why Giles hates me, even though I saved his life there."
Her eyes dropped to the ground, unwilling to meet Tara's. She had come closer than she had expected, but she knew that this revelation would be too much. Now Tara would look at her with loathing in her eyes.
Tara cupped Willow's cheek, causing Willow to look up with a tiny flicker of hope in her eyes. Tara met her gaze and saw not a terrible dark witch, but a young girl, so lost and alone. There had been more to the story than Mr. Giles had told her, but it was what she saw in those dark eyes that decided her. "I won't say that everything is fine, that I'm not scared," she said. "But I'm not leaving you."
"I-" Willow began, then swallowed. "You're scared?" she asked in a small voice. "Of me?"
"Of the darkness," Tara said, her eyes hooded. Willow had shown her the depths of the darkness within her. It had been darker than Tara had imagined, and it scared her. But this was Willow here before her.
"What can I do?" Willow asked, taking Tara's hand in both of hers and pleading with her eyes for Tara to give her an answer.
Tara looked away from Willow but didn't pull her hand out of Willow's grasp as she struggled with Willow's question. Her love of Willow warred with her fear of Willow's darkness rising up to consume them all. If only she could be certain that the darkness was solely of the past.
"Can you promise not to use dark magic?" Tara asked cautiously. She didn't want Willow to see this as an ultimatum, but her heart needed hope that the darkness was behind them.
Willow looked down thoughtfully, releasing Tara's hand. She knew there would always be a reason for dark magic, to defend, to protect, or to restore. Yet when had it ever been able to restore something to her without a terrible price? The real question was whether she trusted. Did she trust life and love enough to hope again?
"I tried to bring you back," she said, her eyes distant. "I tried so hard." She had spent so much effort, suffered so much pain, as she journeyed into the darkness for that attempt, but darkness hadn't brought love back to her. She shook her head sadly. "Yet you were here all along." When she looked back at Tara, there was a depth of trust in Willow's dark eyes that Tara had never seen before.
"You mean?" Tara asked, daring to hope as she looked into Willow's eyes.
"I mean," Willow said, a brilliant smile beginning to form on her face. "I promise."
Tara took Willow's hand, her touch a promise in itself. She was spent of words, her heart calm for now.
Hand in hand, they walked away from the grave of the past.
--
"Omnia mutantur, nihil interit." -- "Everything changes, but nothing is truly lost."
Edited by: darkmagicwillow at: 12/29/02 5:45:06 pm
. Considering that, this conversation went surprisingly well. Most of it needed to be said sooner or later anyway, and Willow was likely too scared to start. Her point about wanting a relationship based on the current them was a good one though, hadn't thought of it that way. I wonder how/if Tara will sleep this night.
*sniffle*
at: 12/26/02 1:19:06 am
n (I know it's not *exactly* like that and all, this is just the bad (?) part of me being a smartass... 