Okay so I’m back again with another story for all you kitties. This story deals with the events this season so if haven't seen any of season 6 yet and you are trying to stay spoiler free do a quick about-face and run very fast in the opposite direction. But if you are up to date with the show this won't spoil anything for you. On with the show...
Author: Tempest (Vicki)
Spoilers: All episodes this season
Pairing: Will/Tara
Rating: PG-13 so far
Disclaimers: Don't own em, just borrowin em, Joss Whedon has that pleasure
Summary: a birthday invitation takes Tara back to familiar, but foreign territory
Feedback: Please!!! Don't make me beg. I'm
writting this during finals so show the love!
Archiving: if it please you make it so, just give me a heads up about it.
Note: I know I may be playing with the time line here. I’m not sure when Willow’s birthday is and whether I have her age right. So please just bare with me, I’m taking creative liberties. But do remember I do it all in the effort to bring you WillTara mushiness!
Leave A Light On
Chapter 1
Moonlight passes through a bay window of an apartment bedroom and a young golden haired woman sits perched on it’s sill. In her hands is an envelope. She shivers feeling a sudden chill invade her skin. But in truth she always felt a little cold these days. Her room was cold, her clothes were cold, her food was cold, and her bed was especially cold.
Every action she made reminded her of things past. When she made tea she was reminded that she only needed to make one cup. When she took out clothes from her closet she was reminded of time when her closet was a double occupancy. All of that would then remind her of why she was now a table for one instead of a table for two. But this night was especially cold despite the Spring weather and in her hands was the source of that chill. The envelope had the return address of the Summers residence, and her eyes recognized the handwriting as little Dawnie’s. The contents of the letter however left her laboring.
Please join us for the celebration of Willow Rosenberg’s
21st Birthday.
We promise cheesy music and greasy finger foods to
mark this momentous occasion!
Please R.S.V.P. if you can’t attend
so we find someone better to fill
your place.
*cards designed by Anya Smith (soon to be Harris)
and can be bought @ The Magick Shop on
Main Street. Please think of us when purchasing
your gift for the guest of honor. 10 % off all
items when you use this invitation at your
purchase.
Tara had to laugh. Leave it to Anya to capitalize on the opportunity for free advertising. Tara’s hands were shaking as the content of the invitation began to seep into her mind, and then her heart. But then she saw a little arrow on the bottom right corner of the card signaling her to turn it over. On the back was Dawn’s handwriting
Dear Tara,
I know that getting this card is a bit of a shocker. But before you
dismiss just listen or I guess read what I have to say. We all miss
you here. The gang isn’t the same. I know you always make time
for me but everybody really misses you. I just thought this would
be a good time for you to get back into the gang. Willow didn’t
want me to send this because she didn’t want to pressure you.
She isn’t the same Tara. A lot has happened in the past 6
months. She’s come a long way. You know I’m not just saying
this because it sounds nice. I was really mad at Willow too after
what happened that night.
Tara got visions of Dawn in her cast with a big gash on her forehead. When she heard what happened that night her broken heart broke again. It broke for the dark place her ex lover had to be in to allow something like that to happen. It broke for the guilt she knew Willow would be feeling once she sobered up. It broke for the pain Dawn must have felt seeing someone she used to idolize in such a low state. It broke for the realization that she and Willow may never find each other again.
But since then she’s really worked on dumping the magic. It was really bad
in the beginning. I never told you cause Buffy said I should respect Willow’s
privacy, but she used to get sick. She would wake up in the night screaming
and sweaty and stuff. It took a while but now she’s old Willow. Different
but the same ya, know. Anyway I know you couldn’t be around the gang
with Willow being how she was but now that she is better I thought it would
it good time to get back. Please come Tara. Even Giles is making the
trip out! Please Tara.
Tara felt the tears streaming down her face before she even realized she crying. She wasn’t expecting this. Had it been six months? Willow’s birthday. She always knew it was coming up but she tried to forget everytime she remembered it. She couldn’t. She wasn’t ready, for Willow, for all of them. What could she do, walk in there as if everything was okay now. She wasn’t ready. But as she thought about it, when would she ever be ready for something like this? How could you prepare yourself for seeing the love of you life after being estranged from them for months?
Tara had to admit that the temptation was like an oasis in a desert. And Dawn said that she has changed. Dawn wouldn’t lie to her about that or exaggerate about it. Tara knew how disenchanted Dawn became after that night Willow took her to Rack’s. Dawn wouldn’t talk about Willow after that incident. Before the accident Dawn would always try to tie Willow into their conversation somewhere. But after that night she wouldn’t speak her name. If Dawn telling her that Willow was better then she must have made a difference.
Could she do this? She already knew the answer to that. It wasn’t a question of could, she had to do it. Because a promise was made. A promise that no matter how lost either of them were they would always find one another. From what Dawn was saying Willow was doing her part to find them again, Tara had to do her part too. She had to meet her halfway.
Tara suddenly started to feel the chill in the air melt away a little bit. She tried to ignore because she didn’t want to build up false hope, but the flame was there and it was starting to grow. Dawn once asked her if she still loved Willow. It really was a ridiculous question. It was never an issue of not loving her. It was more like together they built this house of love. But Willow’s actions were destroying the house, and Tara had to had to ask her to leave the house before the whole thing collapsed. But even though Tara asked her to leave she left a light on for her. She would always leave a light on for her, no matter how long it took. A light would always be burning for Willow.
And with that Tara picked up her phone and dialed the Summers home.
The young voice of Dawn was on the other end
“Hello.”
“H-Hi Dawnie, it’s Tara.” Just breathe Tara. This is only the beginning.
Chapter 2
Willow was heading into the kitchen to grab herself a little dessert. She peered into the
fridge like a child looking into a toy store at Christmas time.
‘Hmm cookies...maybe some ice cream...Ohhh carrot cake!’
Suddenly her grin that brought on by thoughts of sugary goodness in her head turned into
a frown.
‘Tara loves carrot cake...she used to say how it reminded her mother and how
she used to make a carrot cake for her birthday when she was alive. Stop fooling
yourself Willow. It doesn’t take much for something to remind you of Tara. She
is your whole heart...of course everything is gonna remind you of her. I have to
stop doing this to myself. It’s not good for my recovery.’
She closed the refrigerator doors, suddenly not having much of a sugar craving anymore.
She headed into the living room and was alerted to the sound of Dawn talking. When she
entered the living room she saw her by the desk talking on the phone.
“Really, you really really mean it. Oh thats great!...No, I know that. It’s just
good that everyone will get to see you....Yeah it is late...I’m going to bed yes.
Okay we’ll see you then...Bye!”
Willow could see that Dawn was really excited about whatever had transpired over that
phone call. She was really curious about who was on the other end. Dawn seemed to be
so high on cloud nine that she didn’t even notice Willow come into the room.
“Hey Dawnie!”
“Ahhhh!” Dawn screamed out of fright. Willow’s voice caught her off guard and
cause her to be a little jumpy.
“Whoa there, just Willow here! What’s with the high octaves?”
Dawn finally pushed her heart out her throat back down to her chest where it belonged.
She answered,
“Oh, sorry. Guess I didn’t see you there. Just wasn’t expecting ya.” She gave
Willow a smile hoping she would press the matter any further, but knowing in the back
of her mind that she wasn’t going to get off this easy.
“Yeah I noticed that with the squeal. There’s probably dogs barking all over
Sunnydale with that pitch you hit! So what had you so engrossed...sounded
like you were pretty excited on the phone?”
Dawn winced when Willow said this. She knew that she was gonna have to eventually
tell her that she invited Tara to the party but she was hoping for some time to build up
some courage...and find some very strong amour since she had a feeling that this witch
was gonna go ballistic.
“Oh, you know just getting some RSVP’s for the party.”
Willow was watching Dawn. Something was up. Dawn had moved over by the couch
was clawing at the fabric of the couch, her foot was tapping rapidly on floor, and her
smile looked like it was gonna cause her teeth to shatter from how tightly she seemed to
be grinding them.
“Dawnie, what’s going on? Why do you look like a cat on the witness stand
that’s on trial for eating the canary?”
“What do ya mean?” Dawn started to back peddle hopping it would increase her
chance of escape. But she had no such luck.
“You know what I mean...it’s why you’re backing up from me like you know
I know something you don’t want me to know or you know that I know you know
something you don’t want me to know. Either way I know something is up and I
want to know that what something is.”
Willow wasn’t sure what she just said. It was heading into babble country but it looked
like Dawn got the message cause she looked like she was ready to crack.
“Promise you won’t get mad?” Dawn pleaded.
Willow always hated when people asked that. How could you promise something when
you have no idea of what’s going to be said. Well, that wasn’t completely true. Willow
had a pretty good idea that whatever was going to be said she wasn’t going to like it. But
if she wanted to get an answer out of the teen she was gonna have to play along.
“Ohhhkayy....now spill.”
Dawn drew a deep breath and then looked Willow straight in the eye. ‘Here goes
nuthin!’
“OkaysoIknowthatyoudidn’twantmetoinviteTaratotheparty,butIsentheran
invitationanyway.Ithoughtsheshouldseehowgoodyou’redoingbecauseyouare
soooomuchbetternowandsheshouldseethat...and you promised not to be mad!”
Dawn went through that confession like her mouth was racing in the Indy 500 and despite
her impressive speed she got the feeling that Willow understood every word.
Willow’s mind was flipping and it’s was matched by speed of the beating of her
heart. Tara. Dawn was on the phone with Tara. Dawn had invited Tara to the party.
Dawn had invited Tara to the party.
“You did what! Are you crazy! Dawn I told you not to invite her. Why did
you do that. Is this like revenge? Do you want to see me in more pain...”
“Oh god no Willow it was nothing like that I just thought that...”
“You thought what, that you could hurt me by inviting Tara only so I could get
her R.S.V.P. ‘I won’t be there because I don’t want anything to do with you!”
“Willow please, listen to me. I totally didn’t mean anything like that.”
Upstairs Buffy heard the sounds of loud voices coming from the living room. They were
the voices of Willow and her sister.
‘Oh great another squabble between the reformed wiccan and the warden herself.
I thought those two were done with the bickering. It’s moments like this that I really
miss Tara.’
Buffy headed down the stairs to end whatever dumb argument the two had gotten into.
By the time she got down there all she heard was gibberish because the two were
speaking over each other. Buffy was gonna put an end to this right now.
“Okay tweedle dum and tweedle dumber. Cut it out right now!”
Both Dawn and Willow stopped yelling and looked straight at Buffy.
“Now that my hearing is coming back to me does someone want to explain
to me what the heck is going on?”
Buffy immediately regretted her choice of words the minute they left her mouth. Willow
and Dawn both decided to give their explanations. However they decided to give them
simultaneously. Buffy pinched the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger, a
trait she borrowed from Giles, knowing that it was gonna take all the patience she had to
bring this cat fight to a close.
“Okay, Shut Up! That was my fault. I should have been more specific. Willow
would you like to explain to me why I am breaking up a fight between you and
my sister, a fight I might add that is more often found on a grammar school
playground rather than the living room of two young adults.”
Buffy heard a snort from Dawn and then the sound of her voice,
“Oh sure. Now I’m a young adult! But when I wanna go out with my friends..”
“Dawn, your about this close from never seeing those friends again so I would
close that mouth until I say it’s your turn to tell me your side of the story.”
Buffy had walked right up to her sisters face and brought her hand up to Dawn’s face
with her forefinger and thumb together to help her sister visualize how close was close.
Once Buffy was certain that she had her cooperation she shifted her gaze to Willow and
lifted her eyebrows to signal her that she was waiting for her explanation. Willow began.
“Look Buffy, I’m really sorry. It’s just that Dawn took it upon herself to invite
Tara to my birthday party when I specifically told her not to. And I just don’t
think I can handle that kind of rejection right now. I mean I not ready for that.
Ready is so far from what I am right now, very far from ready. Fear, I have
a whole lot of that, number one stockholder on the the fear factor here, yup
whole mess of reserves on the mmphhplh....”
Buffy put her hand over Willow’s mouth in order to halt babbling that had the potential
to go on till the sun came up considering the state she seemed to be in.
“Okay, I got your point Will, you’re not down with the whole Tara invitation
thing because you’re scared she’s gonna turn you down.”
Buffy didn’t remove her hand so Willow just nodded her head in response.
“Fine, valid point. Now I’m gonna remove my hand. But I need you to
stay silent so I can hear Dawn’s explanation. Dawn?” Dawn gulped then replied,
“ I know that Willow didn’t want to invite Tara, but I thought that Tara should
come. Willow is doing so much better and she should see that. Plus she
belongs with us. She’s a scooby. She’s family...you said so yourself Buffy.”
Buffy could hear the desperation in her sisters voice. She understood where her
intentions were coming from. But she could also understand why Willow was upset.
“Dawn, we’re all proud that Will has found her way back to us and that she’s
doing so much better. But that doesn’t give you that right to interfere with her
life. It’s Willows party and she should have say over these things.”
“I know but Buffy if we leave it up to Willow she’s never gonna take that step.
She’s too insecure right now.”
Willow waved her hand in the air.
“Hello, Willow person still in the room here. And as for taking that step, I
generally avoid steps that land me flat on my face.” Willow’s tone was very acidic. But
Dawn was ready.
“Well that’s where you’re wrong. Because this step I took for you is gonna get
Tara here. She’s just called to say she was coming.”
Buffy was trying to divert WWIII that was brewing in her living room.
“Dawn please don’t make this any worse...did you just say Tara’s coming?”
Buffy’s eye’s were scrunched up in confusion. ‘Wow this is huge.’ But then the
magnitude of this revelation finally hit her and she turned to Willow to make sure she
was okay.
“Will, you okay?”
Willow had slumped onto the couch and was staring intently out the window. She wasn’t
sure if her heart was beating, but she was pretty sure that all the blood in her body had
just rushed into her head. ‘She’s coming...She’s coming.’ She kept repeating it in her
head, trying to get over her shock and let this information sink. She looked up at Dawn
with tears in her eyes.
“She’s really coming to the party. My birthday party. The party that celebrates
my birth? Really?”
Dawn started to tear too. She understood how this had to shake Willow’s whole world.
She never meant to hurt the reformed wiccan.
“Yeah, she’s really coming. She’s the one I was on the phone with. She sounded
really nervous.”
“Like good nervous or bad nervous. Did she stutter. Does she stutter when she
talks about me because that means she’s uncomfortable and that can’t be good..”
“Look Willow, I’m sorry I went behind your back. It’s just...you guys deserve a
second chance but you’re too concerned with each others feelings to believe that
you deserve one. But you do. You really do.”
Buffy could see that Willow was on the verge and decided she was gonna need some
private time with her friend.
“Dawn, why don’t you head up to bed. It late and you have school tomorrow.”
Dawn complied and headed up the stairs giving the two girls the privacy they needed.
“Will...Will can you talk to me. Are you okay with this. You know you
shouldn’t hold stuff like this in.”
But once Dawn was out of sight Willow fell apart and started to sob. Buffy ran over to
the couch and wrapped her arms around her best friend.
“Oh God Buffy, I don’t know if I can do this. I mean it’s what I wanted for so
long but now...I messed up so bad...what if I do it again. What if she comes here
just to tell me in person that she can’t ever be with me again. I couldn’t handle
that Buffy. I’m not strong enough for that. I can’t believe this is happening.”
“Listen to me Willow. Do you want Tara back in your life?”
“More than anything!”
“Then you have to face this. Granted this is a little off guard since you didn’t
plan it, but that doesn’t matter. If you want Tara back then you have do this.
I’m not saying that it’s gonna be fine, that she’s gonna show up here and you
to are going to run off into the sunset. But this is where it starts. If you believe
in the love you have for her then this is how you show it. You show her that you
found your way back, that you found your way back to what really matters.”
“Okay....I ...you’re right...okay...I’m gonna do this...” Willow looked at the floor,
she knotted the fingers of her hands together, and her body started to rock back and forth.
“Listen Willow, you have a few days till the party. That gives you some time
let this sink in. And we’ll all be here for you. We’ll get through this together.”
Willow looked into the eyes of her best friend and gave her a half smile to show her
gratitude. Then she said,
“Okay...Okay.” ‘Just breathe Willow. This is just the beginning.
Chapter 3
Tara was losing it. Suddenly she had nothing to wear! Not that there are standard outfits for the occassion of seeing your ex-lover of six months. Tara knew it really didn't matter what she wore, Willow never really cared about those things. She would let Tara know when she found something she wore to be pleasing. But Willow always left her feeling beautiful, even in sweats and t-shirt, she felt beautiful. Tara hadn't felt that way in long time. It was kind of strange when you think about it. Her hair and body were the same, but that feeling wasn't there.
Finally she decided on a long, wrap around skirt with a yellow background, and patchwork designs on it. She wore a three-quarter length, white button down shirt and stood on sandals. Her hair was half up in a clip. Ligth make up surrounded her eyes, and her lips glistened with gloss. This was finally it. No more stalling. Time to head out and face the music. Outside she heard the sound of a car honking, alerting her that her cab was waiting. With a final look in the mirror she was out the door.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the Summer's house a birthday celebration was in full effect. But Dawn didn't notice because she was perched by the living room window. She peered out the window as if a parade was coming down the street. But nothing was there.
'Where is she? Come on Tara. Please....' Her thoughts were interupted by the voice of her sister beckoning her.
"Dawn, where have you been? You're missing all the fun."
"Which fun would that be? The alcohol I can't drink, or the conversation I'm too young to listen in on?" Dawn didn't mean to snap at her sister but all her energy was being used up by her patience and that didn't leave much room for courtesy. Buffy picked up on the anxious vibes that were pour out of her sister. She stepped up behind her and rested her palms on Dawn's shoulders.
"Still no sign of her huh?"
"Buffy what if she doesn't show up? I told Willow that she was coming. But if she doesn't come..."
"Dawn if Tara doesn't come it's really not any of our business. But I doubt that's gonna happen. Tara would let us know if she wasn't coming, she very mature that way. She is probably having a huge case of butterflies in the stomach. This is a big day for her and Willow."
"I know..."
"Why don't we move away from the window so as to avoid the stalker like appearence we would be giving off should she pull up right now."
The two sisters headed back into the kitchen and then proceeded on to the party in the backyard. Just then a yellow taxi pulled into the driveway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"10.50$ miss." The cab driver altered Tara of the fare. She handed over fifteen dollars to the man.
"Thank you, and keep the change." She opened the door and stepped onto the sidewalk of the Summers house. As the car pulled away Tara looked at the house. It suddenly looked very big, and she felt very small.
'Come on Tara. You got yourself into this . Here it is...the moment of truth.'
She walked heavy footed up to the front door. She raised her hand to knock on the door and as her knuckles touched the surface the door opened before her. Someone must had left the door open by accident. She felt funny walking in but pressed on anyway. As she walked through the living room her sense were filled by familar sights and smells. She could feel her chest tightening. She clenched the straps of the purse in her hand and placed the palm of her right hand over heart. As she entered the kitchen she could see all the party fixings around her and could hear sounds of music and chatter come from the backyard. And as she walked around the island and came upon the window she saw it. She saw her.
'Just breathe Tara.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Willow was standing by the food table find the texture of potato chips suddenly very interesting. She was dressed in a pair of low hip hugger jeans, thick cork heeled flip flops, and a body fitting red shirt that bunched togther and hung low around the chest. She was dragged out of her intense thoughts by the sound of Xander.
"Hey, Willster! So how does it feel to know that in all fifty states you can purcharse a firearm with one hand and a brewski with the other." Xander smiled hoping he could lift the red heads spirits.
"Oh about the same as when I could purchase a soda with on hand and wave a really big stick with the other." She gave him a half smile trying to show her gratitude of his efforts.
"She'll be here Will. Just give her time."
"You don't know that, and I've got all the time in the world, it just doesn't mean much without her here to share it with me."
"I do know it Will. And so do you." Xander wrapped his arms around her shoulders and pulled her into him in a close embrace.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tara saw her and her breath was caught. She was beautiful as ever. Her hair was a little longer than when she saw her last. It was hanging full and loose, and Tara had to bit her lip to chase away the memories of when she would run her fingers through it. She took a deep breath and headed out the door. She made her way around to the back and hit the wood of the deck. As the sound of her footsteps hit the surface she heard the party go silent. It was like something out of a bad 80's move where everyone turns and looks at you and even the music skips out. But this was real. Her eyes glanced over the familar faces at the party and then finally settled on Willow.
Willow pulled herself out from Xander's arms needing all the available air around her. She saw Dawn run up to Tara and tackle her with Buffy trailing behind.
"You made it! I knew you would come. Not that I doubted it for a second." Tara smiled at this comment.
"Yeah, sorry about the lateness. I ah, c-couldn't decide on anything to wear." She gave a half smile.
"Well, it was worth the wait. You look great! It's good to see you." Buffy gave Tara hug and smiled. As Tara leaned into the embrace she found herself face to face with her ex-lover. Willow was standing right behind Buffy with dazed look on her face. Buffy felt Tara stiffen in her arms and questioned if she was okay but stopped mid sentance when she saw what had caught Tara's attention.
"Tara are you....Ohhhhkay Dawn why don't you help me get some of the appetizers from the kitchen." Dawn complied and followed her sister into the house leaving the two wiccans alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They stared at one another for some time, although it felt like an eternity for both of them. Finally Tara broke the silence.
"Ha-Happy B-Birthday Willow." Tara cringed inside hating that her stutter was making an appearence. Willow cringed inside too hating that she herself was the source of the stuttering.
"Hi....thanks for coming...I know it's.....well...thanks."
"Of course...it's a big day for you." Tara smiled and thought that if the conversation didn't take a significant turn they wouldn't have anything left to say.
"I'm sorry Tara. I know this is really high on the awkward scale. I just don't know what to say...well I do...I've actually been practising it for a couple of day now. But it just seems." Tara understood the problem and offered a solution.
"M-Maybe we could sit on the porch...it's a little more quiet out there....or not...I don't really know the answers either...I-I've never.." Willow jumped in.
"No that would be perfect. Let's go."
The girls worked their way to the front of the house, raising some eyebrows and causing some stares from the surrounding audience. As they got to the front they decided to sit on the stoop. The swinging bench had too many initmate past moments in their history together to sit on. Their was awkward silence again then Willow spoke up.
"Look Tara I'm just gonna say this real quick. I know that whatever happens tonight...it is still only one night, and you can't do alot in a couple of hours. But I can tell you something that you deserve to hear. Something I couldn't tell before because I didn't understand it myself. I guess I had to go through what I've gone through. Well obviously I had to go through what I've gone through otherwise it would just be something I already knew, and by that logic if it was something I already then I couldn't exactly re-learn it. Actually I could if I forgot it beacause....." Willow was interupted by the sound of light giggles. When she realized that she had gone into babble mode she apologized.
"Oh sorry...babbling..got off track."
"No, it's okay...it's just been a while."
"Yeah, I guess it has. Let me try this again."
"Take your time Willow...I don't have anywhere to be just now." Tara smiled and Willow melted. She melted and was finally ready because that smile reminded her that it was okay. This was Tara. She could do this.
"Okay...I guess I could tell you everything that I think you already know, like... that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything that happened, and I never meant for it to happen. I was doing too much magic and I should have listened to you. I betrayed you, and manipulated you, and I take full responsibility. I could tell you all that but I wanted to tell you something else first. Something that you may not know.
"I realized something while I was alone. I realized that I'm a whole person without you and I was a whole person before I met you. I can get up in the morning, brush my teeth, take a shower put on my clothes and go about my day. You left me but I'm still alive and kicking. But you wanna know the truth. I'm alive but I'm not really living. I'm just existing...surviving. Everything is in slow motion, the colors are gone. I know that sounds so cliche' but it's true.
"At night I have the worst nightmares. They are dreams filled with visons of you, your smile, the way that your hair sometimes falls down and covers half of your face. It's filled with sounds of your voice, your laugh, your beautiful, lyrical laugh. These dreams are so beautiful, but then I wake up and realize that they were only dreams. That's when they become nightmares. I wake up in a cold bed, to go live in a cold world.
"I have this heart inside my chest, and it beats on a steady rhythm. But that is all it does Tara. My heart used to sing, my heart used to sing when you were in my life.
"I also realized something else. I realized that I don't deserve you. Your love for me was honest and pure, and I spat on it. I guess the noble thing to do would be to walk away from you. To let you live you life and find someone that won't betray you. But I can't. I won't walk away.
"I've made so many mistakes and have so many regrets but the best thing I ever did in this world was love you. You are the reason that I believe, after all the hell and evil and pain that I seen living on this hellmouth, you are reason I still believe in what is good. You are the reason I believe that there is good to be found in this harsh world, and I won't give up on that.
"I gave up on that once, I won't stand here and give up on it again. I love you. I think I love you more than I ever did, if that's even possible...because I have seen what it is to hurt you, to be without you in my life. I know darkness now, and knowing it makes the light so much brighter.
"If you can look me in the eyes now and say that there is no room in your life for me, then I will try to be noble and walk away. But if you can't say that to me, then I'm gonna fight for you, I'm gonna fight like I should have fought before. I won't give up this time. I love you Tara."
Willow exhaled. She hadn't expected to say that much. But six months is a long time and love is a complicated thing. She looked into Tara's eyes not wanting to pressure her but also waiting anxiously for a response.
"Tara...." Tara looked up and opened her mouth to respond.
"I c-can't..." Willow heard those words and her heart shattered. But then Tara continued her sentance that she was struggling to get out.
"I can't look you in the eyes and say there is no room Willow...I want...I just." Willow was so elated by Tara's confession that she didn't want her love to say anything else. She knew she had just gone through a long speech and didn't want Tara to feel pressured to respond to all of it.
"No...shhush..it's okay. That's all I needed to know. I won't ask anything else of you tonight. I said a lot. Well, actually I need to ask you one more thing." Tara had tears in her eyes, and her body was suddenly feeling very heavy. But she looked Willow in the eye and said
"Okay." Willow took a breathe then asked,
"Can I see you again, after tonight?. The two of us. No labeling or pressuring. Just to talk some more after we recover from tonight "
"I c-can't make you any promises Willow. I not ready...there's so much...I still hurt."
"I know, I just mean so we can talk. Tonight is a little awkward. I know you have a lot you need to say to me...the atmosphere isn't very conducive though." Tara thought about this. It was true, she had a lot she needed to say. But this whole night left her drained and she wasn't sure she was up for an intense conversation right now. At least if they met again the ice is already broken, the card are out so it won't be as nerve racking.
"Okay." Willow felt her heart leap into her throat. She wanted to make sure she heard right.
"Okay?!! Really!"
"Yes, it's probably best." Willow wanted to grab Tara in her arms but she knew that wouldn't be appropriate right now. So she settled for a really big grin streching from ear to ear.
"Okay...Um how about Tuesday around 3 or so. I could meet you at your place since it's near campus." Tara nodded. Her heart was beating a mile a minute but she was trying no to show it. The smile on Willow's face was infectous and she couldn't help but return it.
"That would be fine. I guess Dawn told you where I lived then." Willow winced.
"Oh yeah, sorry. I kinda pulled it out of her. I' m sorry. I don't mean to be creepy ex-lover Lifetime move of the week character."
"No it's okay. I understand." And she did. How could she not. Tara recalled many nights staring at her ceiling wondering what Willow was doing. Now they were at an awkward part again neither knowing what they should say. Tara spoke first.
"You should get back to your party. They're probably all wondering where I took you."
"Let them wonder." Willow really couldn't concern herself with anyone but the woman in fron of her right now.
"I should go anyway...It's getting late.."
"I understand. Let me get Giles to give you a ride home, he probably wants a chance to say hi to you anyway."
"Oh, I forgot Mr. Giles was here." Willow stood on the step and in instinctual move offered her hand to Tara to help her up. Tara automatically reached for the support. The minute their palms met they both felt an electric pulse course through their bodies. They stood there not letting go of the hold. Then Willow saw a tear run down Tara's face.
"Tara, what's wrong?" Tara looked Willow in the eye and gave Willow her tradmark half smile.
"Nothing, it's just...Willowhand." Willow understood. As they separated and walked on back to the party both had the same though pass through their brains.
'Just breathe. This is only the beginning.'
Chapter 4
'Why did I agree to this?' That thought kept running through the mind of Tara as she was running across campus to get to her apartment.
'Why did I agree to this? A couple of weeks ago I was fine. I was going to class, getting my work done, my apartment was finally starting to look like a home. Now I’m running around like a chicken with its head cut off. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't pay attention in my classes and I look like I got dressed in the dark all because of what awaits me at three o'clock today... because of her. So why in Gaia's name did I agree to this?
'You already know the answer to that. But I was doing fine! I was doing really good. Then a few babbling words from her and one touch and I'm broken down again. Actually a few beautiful, pouring out of the heart words, and one exquisitely electric touch to be exact. Willow... even my heart stutters at the thought of her name. She looked so tired. Her eyes... they looked like a storm had just laid waste to them. She looked broken... just like me. She said she was gonna fight for me. Are you going to fight for her?
'I'm not used to this... I was always the one left behind. I'm good at being the one left behind. I don't know how to be the leaver. The words Willow said... the way tears formed in her eyes like water filling to the brim of a cup and then running over. I wanted to hold her so bad, to run my fingers through her hair and calm her like I always could. Before we broke up, before Buffy came back... I remember how each night after patrolling she would curl up on our bed and rest her head on my stomach. Her fingers would paint invisible pictures across the skin of my tummy, and I would hum to her while I ran my fingers through her hair. Could it ever be that way again? I want it to so badly.
'You know why this is so hard. It's hard because no matter how much you said otherwise there was a part of you that believed you would never get her back. And slowly, over time, you resigned yourself to that, to a life without your love, to this cold life. But here she is now, like the appearance of the sun after a stormy night of lightning and thunder. Can the daylight ever be the same after witnessing a night like that? But I want to step into the sun, I want light on my face again. Willow was right... I'm alive, but am I really living?
Tara finally got to the door of her apartment and fumbled with her keys as she tried to get in. Upon entering she looked at the clock on the wall. 'Okay, 2:45, I have fifteen minutes to compose myself. Come on Tara... you can do this. Just breathe... this is only the beginning.'
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Willow found her steps getting shorter and shorter as she entered the hallway of Tara's apartment building.
'So this is where she lives... it's pretty, nice wall color... of course, if you think about it, who really spends enough time in the hallway to pay attention... if you are out in the hallway then all you are focusing on is getting out of the hallway and into your room so all the effort put into it really goes unnoticed.. .unless of course you're a building inspector but even then you would be more interested in the presence of stable walls and not the lovely shade of blue that decorates them... unless the inspector has some weird Martha Stewart Living obsession and in that case they are just evil anyway so their opinions are moot... STOP babbling Willow! You aren't even in the room with her yet and you’re going into babble hyper drive, or like ludicrous speed... Oh! 'Space Balls'… funny movie!
Suddenly, she was there. Room 819. Willow noticed that her hands were shaking as she raised them to the door. On the other side of the door Tara's heart jumped as she heard the gentle tapping on her door. A few seconds and then the door opened.
"Hi Tara... Am I early, I don't want to rush you it's just that I was on campus and I thought it was gonna take me longer to find this place, but it was really easy to find, really good location, and that's what they say about real estate anyway right, 'location, location, location,' its really nice, and the hallways are pretty." Willow thought her babbling was bad enough but 'your hallway is pretty'... ‘Who in the heck says that? Real smooth, Willow.’ The babbling had actually eased Tara's heart that was racing at a new record. At least she wasn't the only one with an uncontrollable case of the nerves.
"No you caught me at a g-good time. I just got back from class."
"Oh really, what class are you taking?"
"Oh the 'Mythology of Ancient Babylon.' Sometimes the lectures tend to drag."
"Yeah, I have professor like that, umm.... did you want to talk here? Cause if you do then that's totally fine." At first Tara was confused by the question. Then she realized that she hadn't asked Willow to come in.
"S-Sorry, I don't know where my head is." Tara moved out of the way to let Willow in and stared at the floor in embarrassment. She tried to hide behind the hair falling at the side of her face. Willow picked up on this trademark move. Tara always did it when she felt like she did or said something wrong. It brought a smile to her face as she thought about one of the first times she recognized this motion. It was early in their relationship and they had yet to cross the friendship line. That time she met her downcast eyes and brushed Tara's hair behind her ear. It was one of the first physical intimate touches she initiated. Now she was at that point again, but this time she opted to just lower her own head and meet the downcast eyes of her ex-lover.
"It's okay, I think your head is the same place mine is... I haven't exactly been running full steam ahead since the party." Tara raised her eyes and smiled in gratitude. Willow could always do that for her, pull her from her shy, submissive stance and make her feel whole again. As Willow came in she looked around the apartment. It was small, but had all the necessary components as far as she could tell. The kitchen was off to the right, with a small dinner table adjacent to it. In front of her was a couch facing left where a window let light into the room. A small table was in front of the couch. A small console with a TV, VCR, and cd-player was directly in front of the couch against the wall. And directly ahead of her she assumed was the walkway to her bedroom. As she stared at the bedroom door she saw it creak open. Something started to peak out of it. Suddenly the object leaped out and revealed itself as none other than Miss Kitty herself.
"Oh Miss Kitty! She's all big now... still cute though." Willow bent down to pick up the cat. She started to nuzzle the cat's face but then realized that she may have acted to too impulsively, after all this was Tara's cat now.
"Sorry, Tara... I didn't mean to... I just..."
"No, don't be sorry, it's your cat too... she'll always be your cat."
"I missed her a lot... you think you know how much you miss something and then you see it again and you realize you had no idea how much you missed them."
"She missed you too... very much." Both of the girls were looking directly into each others eyes. Willow looked at Tara intently and then deposited the cat on the floor, and asked Tara what they both were thinking.
"Are we still talking about the kitty?"
"Maybe not."
"Not much of a segue was it."
"We tried."
Now the girls felt awkward. They avoided eye contact hoping that something in the room would give them some direction. Then Tara broke the silence.
"W-Willow, you said a lot to me the other night. I want you to know that I heard you. I heard of all it. I thought after having a few days to let it settle in I would have something to respond but..."
"I know Tara... just... say anything. I'll wait... but…"
"What?"
"Tara I don't want to pressure you. Ummm... could we maybe sit on the couch? My legs are starting to feel really heavy." They moved to the couch and then Willow spoke again.
"I don't want to pressure you but there is one thing I need to know. I don't want to put you on the spot... I need to know if..." Before she could finish Tara responded. She met Willow halfway.
"I'm still in love with you Willow." Willow was stunned speechless, she wanted to scream for glee and smile, but she was paralyzed with fear that what she just heard was only a part of a dream. Tara continued.
"That's what all my thinking came down to after these last few days. I still love you. You know, for so long, people told me I would move on. That time would let me get over you. That if I just kept getting up in the morning it would suddenly be okay one day. That loving you would just be part of my past. And in the beginning, I started to hope they would be right. That this aching in my chest, this emptiness, would someday be gone... my love would be gone. I didn't want to love you because it hurt so much to hold on. And everyday I would be reminded that it was another day without you. I wanted it to stop... the memories... the hurt... the anger. I didn't know how I could be so mad at you and so in love at the same time. I wanted it over. But I would wake up and it was still there. And I think I just decided that's the way my life would be... me loving you from a distance. I still love you Willow, but I still hurt too."
"Oh god, Tara. I love you so much. What does this mean for us? I want to know the right thing to do. I mean, I know what the right thing for me is. Magic is over. I don't want any part of it. Not just dark magic. I don't have a right to be a part of any of it. But I did that for me. This sounds weird, but I realized that if I wanted to get better, I couldn't do it for you. I had to do it for myself, to believe in myself... to believe I could still love myself even if I wasn't a Wicca super hero. But as I did that I figured it out. That by being better for myself I was being better for you too. Because you're in me... ya know?"
"I'm always with you Willow. But... there is this part of me that feels I… that feels I f-failed you." Willow couldn't believe the words that were coming from Tara's mouth.
"Tara… failed? I failed! I'm the one that let this magic take over me. Me, Tara, Me. You did nothing but love me!"
"But I saw it coming… I saw it coming and I said nothing… because… Oh god, why can't I j-just say this."
"Tara please tell me… don't hold this in."
"I'm the reason you even touched dark magic at all, and the only reason I can be here as a whole person right now is because of that dark magic that you had the power to invoke. I got hurt… I ran out when Glory was around. If I had just stayed inside… this whole..."
"Tara no, oh no, please, you can't think that!"
"Willow, I never should have agreed to a lot of things. Before Buffy came back you had to use these tough spells to patrol. What was I going to say? 'You can't use Dark Magic, Willow, but it's okay that you brought my mind back with it?' And then the resurrection spell came along. I knew that a line would be crossed, but because of this guilt, I let you do something I knew would in some way come back to us. You were in such pain when Buffy was gone, I couldn't reach you. How could I lecture you on doing dark magic to save your best friend when every day I have, I owe my life to that dark magic?" Willow was trying to keep up with all that Tara was saying but it was hard because this admission was so unbelievable. She couldn't understand how Tara could feel guilty about any of her actions. She continued to listen as Tara went on.
"By the time I said something it was too late. You were using the magic all the time… and then you used it on me. I got so scared... so scared when you did that forget spell on me, because I felt like this was nature's way of giving back times three. It was our price for the power invoked... I saw how far gone you were and how I had f-failed you. But I also thought my love would be enough to save you. That what we had was stronger than the magic... and then I heard about that night with Dawn... I knew then that you were gone..." By this time Tara was in tears and Willow was shocked. She never would have guessed that Tara would have any guilt over this. It never even entered her mind.
"Tara I'm so sorry. Please look at me. This was not your fault. Me going after Glory with magic was my decision. The power I invoked was my choice. You didn't fail me. I betrayed you. I did those things because I didn't know how to be me anymore. One minute I'm this geek in high school that people come to when they need their computer fixed. I was convenient. And then, suddenly, I'm this cool monster fighter. People needed me. I was special. I could protect people, I could protect you. Then Buffy is back and I'm not needed anymore. I couldn't go back to being that girl... it was like being taken to the top of a mountain to see this beautiful, perfect place in its valley, then being told, 'that's what you can't have.' The first thing you told me that day in the school lounge was that I was special. But Tara, if I hadn't been a Wicca girl, what could I have offered you? You asked me to stop using magic, and I felt like if I did that I wouldn't have anything to offer you. Just some girl... that's all."
"You were never just ‘some girl’ to me. And it was never because of the magic. That 'just some girl' you're talking about, that was me. I was just some girl. I couldn't even put a sentence together without getting flustered. And then you came into my life and you smiled at me. And for the longest time I had to check over my shoulder to make sure it was me you were smiling at. But then I didn't have to do that anymore because I believed in the love I saw in your eyes when you smiled at me... it made me love myself, I was finally able to say to myself, I'm okay. But it was never the magic. The only reason it mattered to me that much was because I thought that I would have something to offer you. What you meant to me, what you mean to me has nothing to do with magic, it never did.”
"How do things get so messed up like this? All these insecurities just snuck up on us. It's like they became bigger than the both of us." Willow felt so angry. She just hated that she let these insignificant things get in the way of her life. She loved Tara, and Tara loved her. That's all that should have mattered. Why did she lose hold of that? Tara answered.
"They say you can never love someone if you don't love yourself first..." Willow got nervous when she heard Tara say that.
"Tara, I always loved you, please don't doubt that. With all that I am and ever was I loved you."
"I know, Willow... it's just, how do we know this won't happen again?" Willow didn't want to smile but she felt her heart start to sing again. Tara was hinting, it seemed, that they were going to give it another chance. This was it. Her moment to prove it, to show the women she loved she was ready.
"It won't. These six months, as much as it was hell, they actually did me some good. A lot of good. I realized that when you are in love with someone, you have to be able to believe them when they tell you they love you. And the only way to make that happen, to truly make that happen, is to love yourself. You are my soul mate, Tara. I always believed that you completed me. But I realize now that I wasn't looking at it the right way. I thought we were like two halves of a puzzle and together we completed this beautiful picture. But I forgot that if you want to connect those two halves together you have to make sure that each side is complete on it's own. Otherwise they won't fit together, there won't be a strong enough connection and eventually something will pull them apart. My side of the puzzle wasn't complete. I didn't love myself enough and I was missing some pieces. That's why we got pulled apart. But I know that now. I learned that and have been working on that ever since. I know what it means now to say I love you."
Tara was smiling. She knew now that Willow had really changed. She felt something stir inside herself. Something that had been dormant for a long time. She wanted to tell Willow how happy it made her to hear that. But she couldn't find the words and a part of her wanted to hold a little back. There was still a strong part of her that kept her defenses up. Tears started to pour down her face, and for the first time in a long time they were tears of joy. Willow could see that they had reached a point. Willow couldn't help it. She needed to be near Tara. She started to move closer and by impulse lifted her hand to wipe away some of the tears. Then she felt Tara lean into the touch and she opened her palm to cup her cheek. Tara opened her eyes and met Willow’s stare. Slowly they moved to one another, and suddenly they were wrapped up in each other’s embrace. They held on to each other like it was the first time, knowing it wouldn't be the last. They sobbed together, weeping for the destination they had reached. They cried for the pain they felt, the innocence they had lost, and the hope they felt starting to breathe again in their hearts. They cried for the restitution, absolution, and resolution that had finally come. They had found each other, and they were home.
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After what felt like forever they separated and sniffled their way back to coherency.
"Willow, this has to go slow. We need to take this one day at a time. What happened between us... I can't just forget. I need time."
"Tara, the fact that there is a 'we' to go slow is all that matters to me right now."
"Why don't we get used to being around each other as friends. And see how things go from there." Willow was a little disappointed when she heard the word friends but knew that it was the right move. They needed to ease into this. Although, right now all she wanted to ease into was Tara's embrace.
"That's probably best. We started out friends. It's like it's full circle, you know."
"Yeah, it is."
"So as a friend can I take you out for some coffee or something?" Willow wavered as she spoke those words, hoping she didn't ask too much, too soon.
"That sounds really nice." Tara thought some fresh air would do them some good. Besides, they had to get used to just normal interaction again.
"Really? Great! Let's get some mocha
this fic it was totally awsome i 
and 
get back together it was so beautiful and all i can say is 
