ok, i feel like a dork.... called it dutch cause i couldn't think of anything. it really doesn't really have a title i just thought dutch sounded cool. right, garfield?
Title: (I don’t know yet)
Rating: don’t know yet. Starting off PG… never know where this is headed though.
Spoilers: Yeah, season 6 up to Wrecked.
Summary: Dawn’s Sweet Sixteenth. And YES is has to do with Willow and Tara. But not yet. Takes place about a year from now. Willow’s well on her way to redemption, she and tara are not back together.
Notes: I’m making Dawn a May baby. Or not a baby cause she was never born but you know what I mean. (i know we celebrated her b-day in buffyverse bvut i cant remember, or was it buffy's b-day? lol. i dont know.)
Disclaimers: usual. Don’t own ‘em, never will…
********
“Rodney?”
“Checked.”
“Rosie?”
“Checked.”
“Tom?”
“He’ll be out of town. But he gave me my present already.”
“And what was that?” Buffy asked with a smirk. “I haven’t seen any presents laying around.”
“It’s not one of the laying around kinda presents.” Dawn tried to look everywhere but her sister sitting acorss from her in the dining room.
“Oh, really?”
“It was a gift certificate to Bloomies. Relax.” Dawn laughed.
“Okay.” Buffy read down her list. “Ummm… Last one. Terry?”
“Checked.”
“Wow, Dawn, looks like everyone’s RSVP’d for your sweet sixteen. We’re going to have-“
“Not everyone.”
Buffy knew exactly whom her little sister was thinking about. “Look, I’m sure she’ll come. It’s your sweet sixteen.”
“We haven’t seen her in two weeks, Buffy. Not even a phone call.”
“Well, you know... I thought she emailed you yesterday.”
Dawn nodded. “But she didn’t mention the party.”
“I’m sure she has a lot of things to do. Graduation is coming up, she moved into a new place, she has finals, and…” Buffy gave up once she saw her sister was buying any of it. “I’m just trying to make you feel better.” She sighed.
“I know.”
“I’m sure she’ll show. She loves you.”
“She probably still thinks Willow…”Dawn didn’t finish her sentence.
“Maybe.”
“Should I tell her?”
“No.”
“But-“
“No.” Buffy stressed. “Don’t be trying to play matchmaker again. You remember what happened last time.”
“Fine.” the teen crossed her hands over her chest.
Buffy sighed. “So… We should talk about the dinner menu because I’m sure not all the guest will appreciate hot dogs. Soy hot dogs at that.”
*******
“What can we get her?” Xander asked exasperated. “I don’t know what to get her, Ahn.” He paced back and forth in the main room or the Magic Box.
“Who?” Anya asked absentmindedly as she glanced over at the financial records of the shop.
“Dawn! She’s sixteen. Well, she’ll be sixteen Friday and I’ve never been a sixteen year old girl so I don’t know what I’d want if I was a sixteen year old girl and I’m sure you don’t remember your sixteenth birthday-“
Anya looked at him with her mouth open. He never listened to her! “It was the one with the bunnies. I told you about that! Or was that one hundred and sixteenth? You’re right, I don’t remember.” She withdrew as her gaze returned to the columns of numbers in front of her.
“What are you two freaking out about now?” the redhead asked as she entered the shop.
“Dawn. Presents. At a loss here.”
“Right. Little Dawnie’s turning sixteen, huh?”
“Willow, you were a sixteen year old girl once, what did you want?” Xander asked.
“At sixteen? A date.” Willow set her laptop down on the Magic Box’s research table and booted up.
“Well, she can’t have that. Xander’s my husband!” Anya pushed the books over to Willow.
“I wasn’t saying-“
Anya cut Willow off. “I’m having problems here.” She pointed. “This balance does not equal this balance. It’s distressing me and I’m beginning to hyperventilate.”
Willow looked over at Xander who gave her a sheepish grin. He dug his hands deeper into his pockets as he scrunched up his shoulders. His stare suddenly changed when the little bell on the front door rang.
“Anya?!” Tara asked as she entered the shop. “Hey, Xander-”
Xander’s eyes widened, Willow’s heart started racing and Tara froze in place when she registered the redhead in the room. Everyone in the shop tensed up, everyone except Anya.
“Hi, Tara!” Anya happily greeted the blonde, ignoring the awkward moment. She stood up and mentioned, “I have your present. We received it yesterday.” She walked over to Xander. “It’s in down in the basement. Xander, help?” She asked as she grabbed his arm and pulled him with her.
Tara’s eyes remained fixed on the girl in front of her. The redhead had not turned around to look at her yet. Her eyes remained glued to the computer screen.
Tara crossed her arms over her chest nervously. She certainly had not expected Willow to be in the shop tonight. Didn’t she have evening classes on Tuesdays? She rolled her eyes when she realized that was a semester ago. Or was it two?
Willow wanted to turn around and look at Tara. She wanted to say something. Instead she quickly let out a breath she didn’t know she had been holding. Willow tried to find something to do with her fidgeting hands. Giving up she rested them on the laptop.
Willow waited two minutes. Then three. ‘What is taking them so long’, she wondered.
*****
“Ahn, you can’t do this!” Xander whispered to his wife.
“They need to talk, Xander! You remember what happened on our wedding?!”
“Yes, but-”
“Oh, be quiet and let them talk.”
******
Tara’s eyes wandered around the shop. She was extremely uncomfortable and didn’t realize how bad her hands were shaking until it was too late. She accidentally toppled a candle onto the floor.
******
“They’re throwing things at each other?!” Xander asked confused.
“No,” Anya replied from her hidden vantage point, “Tara dropped a candle. If it’s bent she’s paying for it!” she whispered back.
******
The noise startled Willow and without even thinking she rushed over to the blonde, “Are you ok?” she asked reaching out her hand to help her.
Tara had since bent down to pick up the candle, “F-fine. S-sorry.” She replied without looking at Willow.
“No, Tara, please…” Willow retracted her hand. She couldn’t stand to think she was the cause for her nervous stuttering.
Tara slowly stood up. She held her head low and crossed her arms again.
“Tara…” Willow whispered as she stared at her.
“What?” The blonde’s voice was so low it could hardly be heard.
But what could Willow say? She looked at Tara’s face hidden behind some of her silky hair and sighed. She turned around and walked back to the table. A look of defeat on her face.
*****
“It didn’t work. Now can we please spare them all this?”
Anya shook her head not understanding, “I don’t get it. They’re women. Women love to talk. Why cant these two talk?”
“There’s a lot things that get in the way of talking sometimes.”
“But it doesn’t make sense.” Anya said as she walked out into the main room.
Tara’s eyes lifted once she heard the ex-demon’s footsteps. “I, uh, I-“ She handed Anya the candle. “It’s a little bent. I’ll-”
Anya just smiled sadly, “Don’t worry about it. Here’s Dawn’s gift.” She said handing the package to Tara. “Thank you for shopping at the Magic Box.” She nodded with her usual enthusiasm.
“Thanks.” Tara quickly glanced over to Willow and Xander sitting somberly on the table. “Bye.” She told the shopkeeper and headed out.
******
“You ok, Will?” Xander asked concerned about the earlier events. Willow and Tara were usually courteous during the rare Scooby meetings Tara attended since their break up but he noticed a different atmosphere this evening.
“No.” she replied typing away on her computer. Her furrow brow was at full force.
“If you need to talk I-“
“Anya!” the redhead suddenly called out.
“What?!” Anya asked, running scared.
“These numbers are all off. What did you do?”
“Me?! I’m not inputting these numbers into the computer. If something’s wrong with the numbers it’s your fault. My counting of the money is fine!”
“No, you’re missing, like, a whole week.”
“What week?”
“The week of- Oh.”
“Oh? What oh?”
“Nothing, I figured it out.”
“What ‘oh’, Willow?” She asked a bit frantic.
“The week, um, that you were on your honeymoon and, um, something happened here and we, uh, couldn’t open the shop?” She mouthed apprehensively as a tiny grin spread over her lips.
“Oh, that week.” Anya said crossing her arms and glaring at Willow, “Yes, I remember what happened that week.”
“You weren’t here! How could you possibly remember?!”
“I heard it all from Tara, missy!”
“What?!” Willow stood up. “You know?!” She looked over at Xander. “And you know?”
Xander held up his hands. “We all know, Will.”
“What?!!!” Willow shrieked. “She told you?”
“Well, you didn’t give me an explanation!” Anya yelled back. “I needed to know what made a hole in my shop!”
“Ok, man’s ears starting to hurt here from all the girly shouting.” Xander stood up holding his hands clasped over his ears. “Look, Willow, its no big deal really.” He tried to amend the situation.
“No big deal? No big deal?! Xander, because of her I lost a week’s worth of sales.” His wife countered.
“Me?! No way sister, you are not pinning this down on me! It was me and Tara. We did it! Go shout at her too.”
“No more shouting. What’s done is done. It’s over.” Xander voiced.
Willow sat back down and huffed, she looked like she was about to cry. “It’s not over, Xander. I don’t think it’ll ever be over.”
******
As Tara walked back to her apartment she couldn’t help but think about the last time that she had seen Willow. It was two weeks ago while out with Dawn.
“I like your new apartment.” The teenager mentioned between sips of her chocolate milkshake.
“Well, it’s better than the dorm room but still doesn’t feel like home yet, ya know?”
“Cause a place without Willow is not home, right?”
Tara knew Dawn knew. She knew all the Scoobs knew what had happened. But just because what happened happened didn’t mean… Tara changed the subject. “So, how’s school? Cheerleading?”
Dawn also let it go. “I’m quitting.”
“Why?”
“It gets in the way of after school shopping and milkshakes.”
“We can schedule around it. I’m sure-“
“Nah. It makes me all sweaty.”
“Dawn, you need extracurricular activities in your high school transcripts. Colleges look at that.”
“Colleges? I’m in tenth grade.”
“It’s never too late to start thinking about going away to college.”
“Going away?”
Tara realized she might have said something wrong. “O-or staying here. UC Dale is-“
“Are you leaving? Are you going to grad school somewhere else?” Dawn asked out of the blue.
“No. Dawn, I just got an apartment. I’m not going anywhere.”
“So? People move into places and then leave.” Dawn said opening a very old wound.
“I’m-“
“No!” Dawn pounded her hand on the table. The milkshake shook. People began to stare. “You can’t leave. Not now, not ever. I need you. We need you. Willow… Tara, please.”
Tara smiled sadly at the teenager and sighed. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Promise.”
“I promise.” Dawn held out her pinky finger and motioned to Tara. Tara pinky swore it. “So… Kirstie- She still giving you grief?”
Dawn rolled her eyes, “It’s like she’s Cordelia and I’m Willow.” Her blue eyes wandered behind the blonde, “Willow. And…”
Tara was a bit mystified by her behavior and so she turned around, trailing Dawn’s line of sight. And there was Willow. Willow smiling. Willow walking. Willow holding hands with another girl.
Tara quickly turned back to the table. She stared at the full strawberry shake in front of her.
“Who is that?” Dawn absentmindedly asked, shocked by the sighting.
“I don’t kn-know.”
“Tara, wait, no.”
But it was too late. Tara took off without another word.
*****
Tara still felt the heartache from that day. But she knew she really didn’t have a right to feel that way anymore. Willow was not her girlfriend. She hadn’t been hers for over a year. Just because six months ago, after Xander’s wedding… It had been a mistake and she knew it. They both knew.
‘A marvelous mistake.’ she smiled downheartedly.
She then giggled softly remembering their scheming to get out of the reception as it neared midnight, and how the Magic Box was the only place they could think of where they would not be interrupted. It wasn’t that they didn’t want the others to know what was going on, it was just they wanted to share this with each other. Just each other.
That night Willow had touched something inside her and made her feel alive again. And she knew Willow had felt the same way. But it left them unhappy and confused the next morning. And the day after that, and the one after that. Not to mention leaving the Magic Box in shambles after their final flaming O’s tore through the shop.
It was six months later now and they still hadn’t talked about it. Just typical chit chat during some Scooby meetings, one or two sentences, and then each looked away. However, after that sighting two weeks ago Tara knew there was nothing to talk about anymore. That night had simply been old lovers loving each other for one night and one night only. Reconnecting and disconnecting. Nothing more was asked. Nothing more was said.
*****
“Earth to Willow.”
“What?” The redhead’s trance was broken.
“What happy place was that? And can I join in the fun? Unless it’s, you know, a happy place with you and- Well, you know…”
Willow shook her head. “No, I was just- Where’s Anya?”
“Downstairs.”
“I should go home. I’ll finish this tomorrow. Okay?”
“Willow, what’s going on?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re all distracted lately.”
“I kissed…” Willow couldn’t finish.
“Will, we discussed this already. We all know about you and Tara and that night.”
“It wasn’t Tara.”
“What?!”
“Oh, no, that night yes. Oh god yes,” She smiled widely. Just as quickly she frowned. “But that’s not who I’m talking about.”
“Buffy?” Xander asked wide-eyed.
“Eew! Gross! No!”
“What are you talking about then? Who?”
“There’s this girl… Debbie. She’s in my Poetry class.” She nervously glanced at Xander. “She’s really nice and, um, pretty. She’s smart. But there was nothing there… I… Xander, if after three years I still feel this way about Tara. It’s still so strong… I’m never going to love someone else again. Ever.” Tears were threatening to escape. “I’m still in love with her and it’s killing me.”
Xander quickly moved over and held the redhead in his arms as she began to cry openly. “I don’t know what to say, Will.”
“I can’t do this.” She hoarsely voiced.
“Yes, you can. You’re strong, Willow. Stronger than all of us. Except maybe Buffy.”
That got a chuckle from the redhead. After a few moments of silence and just holding Willow gently wiped her tears and took in a deep breath. “I can do this.” She exhaled as she pulled away. She nodded even though she still wasn’t sure of herself.
Xander kissed her forehead. “Yes.”
“And I’d rather see her and have it kill me than not see her at all.”
“Uh… right.” he replied.
“At least I know she’s safe and that maybe one day…”
Xander didn’t know what to say.
******
Tara was still wrapped up in her thoughts as she reached her apartment. When she entered the dark family room she noticed the answering machine blinking. She turned on a lamp whose light glowed dimly throughout the room, and headed straight to it.
“You have one new message… Beep… Hi, it’s me. I got your email. Wrote you back… I just wanted to make sure that you come this Friday. It would mean a lot to me to have my whole family there. I, uh… I’m sorry about everything. See you Friday.”
Tara sighed and sat down on her new couch. It still had that new couch smell to it. Tara rolled her eyes, ‘That darn Febreeze doesn’t work.’. But soon it didn't matter as she began to smell and taste the tears flowing down her face. She leaned down on the couch and cried. She cried herself to sleep again.
*****
Willow was nervous. She really didn’t have any reason to be. It wasn’t her birthday or her party so why was she nervous? She was wearing a sleek black dress that reminded her of the prom. This is what the party felt like. Prom. Oh god, and now she was an adult. Was she a chaperone?!
Buffy and Anya were running around everywhere making sure everyone was eating and having a good time. Even Spike and Xander were talking to each other. Things were looking well, no demons were crashing the party, the music was good, and kids were actually dancing. So why did she feel like she wanted to throw up?
“Willow?” Buffy asked as she walked over to the redhead.
“I…” Willow looked so lost.
“Are you ok?”
“I think I’m going to boot.”
“Oh god, why? Were the shrimp not cooked enough?” Buffy panicked.
“No, no, shrimp.” Willow took off running towards the banquet halls’ bathroom.
On her way out the double doors she crashed into another guest. A present fell to the ground and the sound of glass shattering inside the box could be heard.
“Sorry.” Willow squeaked not even looking back. She ran straight to the ladies room.
*****
Dawn ran up to her sister with a group of girls trailing behind her, “She’s not here. She’s not coming.”
Buffy was busy cleaning up some spilt soda. “She’ll come.”
“No, we only have an hour left. She’s not coming.” Dawn suppressed the urge to cry.
Buffy stood up and looked at her sister. “She’ll come.” She said as she hugged her. “I promise.”
Dawn nodded as her gaze turned to a dumbstruck Tara standing by the double doors. She was staring at a box on the floor and then quickly towards the hall outside.
Dawn’s face lit up, “She’s here!”
The teenager hiked up her dress and ran across the room. “Tara!”
“Hey,” Buffy yelled after her, “You’re a lady now!”
Tara smiled at her the instant she saw Dawn. Her arms engulfed the teenager in a hug. “Happy Birthday, sweetie.”
“I’m so glad you came.”
“Wouldn’t miss it. However, your present had a little accident.” She said bending down to pick up the box. She shook it gently to further demonstrate her point.
“What happened?”
“I dropped it. I’m sorry.”
Dawn dismissed it. “As long as you’re here. Oh and guess who’s here…” Dawn’s eyes scanned the party. “Or she was here. I swear Willow was here.”
“I saw her.”
“And…” Dawn asked.
“Dawn.” Tara sadly grinned. “Go have fun and don’t worry about us. Lots of boys are staring over here and I’m sure they’re looking to dance with you.”
“Pshhh, they’re probably staring at the hotness of you. You look beautiful.”
Tara shyly smiled. “You’re the beautiful one.” She lovingly ran her fingers through her hair. “You look so grown up. Now go. I’m going to… Well, I’m going to say hi to everyone.”
“Ok.” Dawn hugged her again and went back to the crowd.
******
Willow knew it was Tara. It had to be. She smelled her, felt her. The electricity was still there. She was now sitting on the sofa in the ladies room trying to calm herself down. She didn’t understand why she was having this panic attack.
She walked over to the sink and splashed some water over her face. She counted to ten and recited her mantra. “Japanese commercials are weird, Japanese commercials are weird…”
******
Tara stood off to the side watching everyone else having fun. Even though she wasn’t participating it was moments like these that she loved. Just watching people. Watching happy people. So rare were the occasions in Sunnydale where nothing evil happened. It was always something or other that never let the Scooby gang rest. She figured the demon world knew if they were to try anything on this night Buffy would certainly have their heads. Literally.
She didn’t see her but felt Willow walking up behind her. She bashfully smiled as she turned around.
“Hey.”
“Hi.”
“Sorry about the crashing into you earlier part.”
“It’s ok. Dawnie’s present is DOA though.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll get you a new one. Whatever it was.” Willow’s eyes took in the incredible beauty in front of her.
Tara’s eyes did the same but she then lowered her eyes. She had so much she wanted to say but couldn’t find the words.
Willow sighed. All she wanted to do was hug her. A simple hug would be enough to hold her over for now.
Both just awkwardly stood facing each other when a slow song began and the lights dimmed. A boy in Dawn’s class came walking over to the two witches.
“Hi, would you like to dance?” He boldly asked Tara.
Willow frowned at first but then could only smile as she saw Tara’s eyes widen in shock.
“Me?”
“Yeah, you.”
Tara looked over at Willow and then back at the boy. “I, um… I have bad knees. I can’t really dance. Thanks though.”
He looked at her funny and turned to Willow, “What about you, Red? Wanna dance?”
Willow couldn’t help but giggle. “I’ll sit this one out, thank you.”
The boy shrugged his shoulders and walked off. “Your loss, ladies.”
Willow was offended by the last comment, “Ladies?! Whatever! I’m only 21!” she called out to him.
Tara couldn’t help but laugh. Willow began to laugh too.
“I miss your laughter. I miss everything about you.” Willow said unexpectedly. “Tara…”
Tara was visibly shaken by the sudden change in conversation. “Willow, not here.” she softly brought up.
“Then where? Where can we talk? I just want to talk.”
“W-what about your date?” Tara felt her cheeks flush.
“Date?”
“You don’t have a date?”
“Why would I? I’m not seeing anyone.”
“I saw you that day. The girl with the black hair.” Tara tried to hide the pain she felt mentioning the other woman.
Willow’s heart broke. “Oh, Debbie. Oh! No! Tara , no. It was nothing. Just one silly date. Nothing happened. Ok, we kissed a few times but-“ She saw Tara’s face crumble. “Oh god. No. It wasn’t like that, baby.”
“N-no, it’s fine. We’re not-“
“No, Tara, please. I didn’t do that on purpose. I mean-” Willow was mentally kicking herself. So much she wanted to say, she’d even rehearsed, but the words were coming out wrong and she was digging herself deeper in.
“Will, it’s ok. We’re not dating.” Tara managed to get out without stuttering once.
The whole world faded around the redhead. “Tara, I love you. I’m still in love with you and I’ll never stop loving you.”
Tara somberly stared at her. “I know.” She murmured.
Willow’s lungs collapsed. “You don’t love me anymore?”
“This isn’t the place to-“
Willow quickly grabbed Tara’s hand and pulled her across the room, out the double doors.
Noticing the hasty exit of the two witches, Spike turned over to Xander and Anya. “I hope they’re not going to the Magic Box again.”
Anya’s eyes widened and ran after the two witches.
******
“So, this is the new place.” Willow asked with a nervous jitter. She patted one of the couchs’ pillows. “Still smells new.”
Tara half grinned as she walked over with two glasses of water and sat down next to the redhead. “Yeah. I’m thinking of just spritzing Freesia all over it.”
For some reason her throat was parched and Willow took in her surroundings as she hastily gulped the liquid down. Even though it was a new apartment it still felt familiar, so Tara. She looked over at the blonde. “I’m sorry about what I said at the party.” Tara rolled her eyes slightly and this concerned the redhead. “What?”
“I’m just tired of that word. Sorry. Everybody’s sorry. Even when there is no need to say it.”
“I apologize?” Willow asked in her smallest voice.
Tara chuckled and looked at her. “Do you think Dawnie will be mad at us?”
“I’d rather deal with Dawnmeister than the wrath of Anya. She was a vengeance demon after all. You don’t just lose your touch after a few years of being a human being again.”
“Yeah, I thought the vein was going to pop out of her forehead when she screamed at us not to go anywhere near the shop. I thought she was going to fire me on the spot. ”
“I don’t understand how you can work for her.” Willow shook her head as she freely leaned against the back of the couch. Quickly she sat up again. “Sorry.”
Tara was confused. “You can lean back.”
“It’s just this isn’t… I’m… Ok.” Willow leaned back again. She nervously smiled at Tara.
Tara grinned back and drank from her cup. Somehow her path was obstructed and began to choke.
Without any hesitation, Willow began to gently tap on the blonde’s back as she coughed aloud a couple of times. “You ok?”
“Yes, sorry. Thanks.” Tara coughed one last time.
Willow didn’t stop her movements once the attack was over though. She simply continued to rub Tara’s back tenderly. “Did it come up your nose?” The redhead giggled.
Tara laughed as she shook her head. “Gross.” Willow’s loving touch was making Tara’s head spin. “I…”
“What?”
“I miss you too, Willow.” And that’s how it started. Chill time was over, talk time began. “Very much.” She added.
Willow didn’t know what to say. She simply kept brushing her digits softly over Tara’s back. The blonde tentatively shifted sideways and faced Willow. Tears were slowly streaming down her cheeks.
Willow quickly wiped them off with her loving fingers and reached to cup one of her hands. “Don’t cry.”
“I can’t help it.”
“Why are you crying?”
Tara took a few seconds to compose herself. “Ever since…“ She just shook her head and looked up at the ceiling as she sighed heavily.
“Please talk to me.” Willow laced their fingers and delicately squeezed their hands together.
Tara felt the rush, the energy flow though her again. Her blue eyes finally connected with green. “I miss you so much. And I know everything you went through I made even harder by leaving. But I had to, Willow. I had to.”
Willow was starting to tear as well. “I know.”
“It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But you w-were out of control and I’m so sorry for w-what happened.”
“You said sorry.” Willow tried to joke. She hated to see Tara so upset.
“I am… I just keep thinking if I had stayed-“
“No! Don’t think that! Everything that happened had nothing to do with you. I did it all. It was all me… And I know that. I realized that. I’m better now, Tara. I am. I only do magick when it’s absolutely necessary. No more spells that conjure up new clothes or books, even laptops. I understand what you were trying to tell me. Ask Buffy and Dawn. Even Xander… I just need you to trust me again. It’s what I’m still hoping for.”
“See, that’s the thing,” Tara lowered her gaze to the floor and whispered, “I don’t think I can ever trust anyone again. I gave myself to you, I gave you everything and…”
Willow shook her head. “I screwed up. I was trying to fix things. I was doing it wrong. Magick isn’t for that, I know. I don’t do that anymore. I’ve learned. Please.”
“I want to trust you.” Tara knew what Willow was saying was true. All the Scoobies had kept her up to date with Willow’s recovery. Even with the things she didn’t want to know. Dawn. Amy. Rack. Xander. She knew Willow had changed but it still didn’t make things any easier for her. She had still put a spell on her, twice.
“We can start again. Everything. Tara, you felt it that night. We made love and... We’ve never felt that before. It was more powerful then ever. I… We belong together, baby. Don’t let me lose you again. I don’t want to lose you, Tara. I can’t.”
Tara wiped her own tears with her free hand and reached out to caress the redheads face. “I’ll always be with you, Willow. And you’ll always be with me, you know? Ten years from now, twenty years from now, you’ll still be in my heart. I’ll never lose you.”
“Can I be with you in person?” she kissed the blondes fingers.
Tara chuckled. “I don’t know.”
“Well, I vote for yes.”
Tara giggled softly. “I love you.” she quietly voiced.
Willow began to cry. “And I love you. Please, Tara. It’ll be different. Better. We’ve changed. I mean we have, for the better, but we’re still in love with each other. That hasn’t changed. And that means everything to me. You mean everything.”
Tara reached over and hugged Willow. She held her close, and tight, and long. She never wanted to let her go. She finally pulled back only to kiss Willow’s lips. Nothing heavy, just lips touching lips. Then, forehead to forehead both sighed in relief.
*****
Willow sighed aloud as she recalled that night. The heaviness she had woken up with every day was not weighing down on her heart anymore. She felt rejuvenated, alive, and free. All the miserable mornings she’d woken up alone since the night Tara left her were over. Or so she hoped. They still hadn’t talked about the future.
It started out slowly. First, they began to meet after class and have a snack or sometimes they even did their homework together in the library. But soon the semester ended and they had to move on. There were the long phone conversations at night and having one line at the Summers residence created lots of difficulty, especially with a sixteen year old in the house. They then began hanging out at the Espresso Pump during the day, meeting up for coffee and gossip. Progressing slowly, they began to go out at night. Just once in a while they’d catch a film or go to the Bronze.
Still, Tara hardly went to the Scooby meetings, although she did notice how more and more Scooby meeting where being called during her work hours at the shop. But she *was* working full time at the shop now that it was summer. Tara loved it when Willow would just randomly drop by, just to say hi. One day she even brought her a rose.
Everything was so familiar to them yet absolutely different. All the Scoobs knew this was Willow’s last chance with Tara, Willow knew that too. It’s just she kept hearing over and over in her head what Tara had told her that night: “See, that’s the thing,” Tara lowered her gaze to the floor and whispered, “I don’t think I can ever trust anyone again. I gave myself to you, I gave you everything and…” And Willow was wracking her brain trying to figure out a way to regain the trust she obliterated with her foolishness.
Willow was always afraid of screwing up again. She was afraid that if she did a simple spell one night she would fall into that black hole all over again. Sometimes, many times, Willow cried herself to sleep because of it. Buffy didn’t know, none of the Scoobs knew the turmoil this caused Willow. She wanted to help and she swore she would be careful. She promised them. But one day, what if one day being careful wasn’t enough?
How would she live with herself if Tara walked away from her life forever?
As for the past, she wished she could forget the pain of what had happened but knew it was better to remember and never forget. She never wanted to forget even though she wished for it every day. Things were said, things were done wrong, innocent people got hurt, but never forgetting would assure her that she would never make same mistakes once more.
And Willow never wanted to hurt Tara ever again, especially now that Tara was slowly letting her back in. Slowly, but it was happening. It started one day with a gentle brush over her forearm while reading over a book together at the Magic Box. Willow’s heart was ready to leap out of its cage due to the electricity running through her body from the contact. Another day Tara walked past her and lovingly caressed her back. Yet another time Tara placed her hand over Willow’s and gave it a loving squeeze. Touches that seemed benign to others yet to Willow meant the world.
After the night of Dawn’s birthday party the two knew they needed a couple of days to regroup after their conversation. They had woken up on Tara’s new couch the next morning still dressed and cuddle up to each other. It was just like old times except it really wasn’t. Nothing had happened between the two and they were proud of that fact, but at the same time they wondered why not.
About three days later their innocent rendezvous began. All except the touches, and coming from two of the most openly affectionate people it was absolute torture to not be able to reach out and hold a hand, run your fingers though the others hair, caress a face. That seemed to be the biggest challenge of all for the two witches.
Everyday, Willow looked forward to a stolen touch from Tara or to a touch that she would steal from the blonde. Always the mathematician she wanted to keep track of them but lost count after the first official night Tara slept over at the Summers house. Again, it was nothing heavy, just limbs entwined caressing and maybe a stolen kiss or two.
That had been their mistake the night of Xander and Anya’s wedding. The first kiss they shared paved the way to the rest of the explosive evening. So longing and passionate, their feelings overtook them and they were not able to stop. Willow had felt the same way about magic.
She hated comparing the two. The feeling Tara gave her with a simple look never made miserable. Her loving body and soul never made Willow’s nose bleed. Her caring arms never made her want to throw up. And her absolute love never caused the redhead to be disgusted with herself. Tara was always trying to protect her but it was Willow who pulled away after Buffy’s death. Willow tried so hard to find the cure, to find a way to bring Buffy back. She went thought the motions of being Tara’s girlfriend but in the back of her mind her thoughts were elsewhere. And that too was another way Willow lied to Tara.
Willow hated magic. She hated everything about it but knew it was a part of her, in her, surrounding her. And she knew that temptation, they all did. But if she won over Tara again then she knew she was strong enough to continue. With Tara by her side and in her heart, Willow knew for a fact that she would be all right.
She just needed to win Tara’s trust again.
******************
“Don’t leave me.” Was whispered delicately in her ear as bodies shifted and pressed. Later a “Touch me there, again.” was murmured as hands roamed and lips met once more. After that a “Please don’t let go.” was met with an earnest, “Don’t stop. Ever.” And so they continued. “I love you.” was admitted towards the end before sleep conquered them, limbs still enlaced together.
The more time Tara spent with Willow after Dawn’s party the more she thought about that night, the night of Xanders’ wedding. Seven and a half months later the details were returning, the little sounds, the little touches, the passionate feelings of that night were coming back. Tara had tried so hard to suppress them, force them from her mind but they haunted her again. Every single loving touch, every single sensual moan, all of it, everything.
She knew Willow was the one that would always love her. And Tara knew she would always love Willow, no matter what. They were still connected, they were still one of the same. They were still both in love with the other and both afraid.
Tara knew she’d changed since arriving in Sunnydale, she knew she’d changed because of Willow and her love. After they broke up Tara had to figure herself out again, who was she without Willow? Who was she without her other half?
The more time Tara spent with the Scoobies the more she realized they didn’t see her anymore simply as another witch or Willow’s girlfriend. They saw Tara, the Tara she had become. At first she thought it was because Willow was alienating herself from them and she was the only thing that reminded them of the redhead, but Tara soon realized they were seeing the real her, listening to the real her, trusting the real her. Dawn and Anya had always seen her for who she was, Buffy and Xander were a different story. However, the more Willow disconnected from them the more they got to know Tara one on one, and the more they realized what it was Willow was screwing up.
Tara knew Willow had changed after what happened to Xander two months before his wedding. The reality of she being the cause that almost killed him when they went to confront Rack became too much to bear. If Willow had been slowly distancing herself from the Scoobs before then and so her complete separation from them afterwards was the only thing she could think of. She moved out of the Summers home and disappeared.
She’d left them a note on the fridge door saying she would be fine, to not look for her. She knew where she was going and that she needed some time to get out of her head and back in. She was lost and needed to find herself. Even though all were worried, and a few of them cried, they knew she was doing what she needed to do. She was never seen but often heard from. She would write them emails every day letting them know she was all right but never gave them more information than that. Four weeks later she came back home, duffel bag in hand and sporting the Willow smile no one had seen in months, maybe even a year. She was back, she was in control again and she was ready.
All had pretty much guessed she had gone to Angel for help, plus an email from Cordy a few days after she left confirmed it. But they never let her know about it, never told on Cordy, and never went to look for her in Los Angeles. This was her fight and they couldn’t help her with it, not even Tara.
Tara sensed her change the night of Xanders’ wedding a month later. She knew her Willow was back but she was still afraid. All were. They would always be afraid that Willow could slip up one day, but she also knew that was exactly what Willow feared the most. Willow needed to know she was safe, safe to make a mistake knowing that someone would be there to help her as long as she helped herself. She knew they had messed up the night of Xanders’ wedding. She was troubled by it, not only for Willow and herself, but for what the Scoobs would think. If the hole in the shop hadn’t caused such problems with Anya and another big bad hadn’t gotten in the way then Tara was sure all of them would have thought that Tara and Willow had gotten back together again. Dawn had hoped for it, but it didn’t happen. Tara wasn’t ready.
As much as Tara had given herself to her that night she still wasn’t ready to give herself wholeheartedly. She had been so hurt by Willow and what she’d done, how she had so carelessly treated her and disregarded her beliefs that she couldn’t find it in herself to let go and fully trust anyone again. Months passed and she watched her from afar noticing how Willow continued to change. Then, the more time she spent with Willow after Dawn’s birthday, the more time they spent researching and talking together, hanging out and studying, the more Tara opened up to Willow. But she did it slowly, it was the only way.
A gentle touch here and shy smile there would hopefully let Willow know she was cherishing their moments together. She hoped Willow knew that just by her being the redhead she always loved that Tara was gaining confidence in her more and more every day. The first time around Tara had been so in love with Willow she felt that she had given her heart away too soon. She had worried about Willow, about her friends, about Oz, but the night she came to her with the candle… Tara knew Willow was hers. And now Tara had to let Willow know she trusted her again, that she wanted to be with her again. That she loved her and was still in love with her. She knew Willow needed to hear it aloud.
*******************
Sitting at a back table at the Espresso Pump, Willow was in such deep thoughts that she never felt or heard Tara walk up to her from behind. Tara simply looked over Willow’s shoulder at the computer screen in front of the redhead. Hearts, Willow had been playing Hearts on her laptop and, of course, she was winning. Tara smiled at the memory of the time Willow had tried to teach her how to play that game. It was right after she had taught her which search engines were the best for research and how to hack into government sites. The blonde had found the latter task easier than the computerized card game.
But she knew Willow wasn’t playing Hearts right now. She could sense she was off in her trance-y, I’m having a babbling session in my head mode. She didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t announce her presence because she was afraid Willow would think she was checking up on her. She couldn’t back away because she wanted to see her so badly.
She noticed Willow slowly picked up a purple pen on the table and wrote on a pad next to her keyboard. Willow drew out the letters in cursive, *Tara* the message read. Deliberately Willow turned her head behind her towards her ex girlfriend. She had a cute smirk on her face as she said aloud, “Hey.”
Tara glanced down at the floor nervously. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—“
“Tare,” and, as Willow she moved the rest of her body out from under the table she asked, “What are you doing here?” Her tone was one of sweet surprise.
“I, uh, I thought I’d find you here.” was the simple reply.
“Me?”
“I wanted to you come out with me tonight.”
Willow familiarly reached out to hold Tara’s hand. “Of course… Where?”
“It’s a surprise.” Tara smiled.
“A hugs and puppies kind of surprise?” Willow asked a bit meekly. Then, she remembered. “The Solstice!”
Tara nodded affirmatively. “Yes. It’s also the Honey Moon.”
“Honey Moon? Oh! The full moon in June. I read that.” Willow saw Tara’s delighted face. “Yes, I read the book you gave me when we first met. And all the other ones, including the ones you told Anya to buy for me.” She smiled at Tara’s shocked expression and squeezed her hand lovingly.
One of the things Tara always thought would help Willow understand her point of view would be to go back to the roots of magic, to study the history of witchcraft and her own Wiccan beliefs. Soon after the night of Xander’s wedding, after what she called her epiphany, Willow began her true studies of Wicca and witchcraft with Magic Box resources. Tara knew about it, Anya had told her, and Tara suggested other books Anya could buy for the shop without Willow ever knowing she was helping her. Willow continued to study and research month after month, and the more time passed Tara’s trust in Willow’s new use of magic grew little by little.
Willow continued, “I think I’ve alphabetized all the Wiccan codes and created my own system of calculating the dates and times for wiccie celebrations in my head.”
“So, you don’t think they were silly?” Tara asked shyly.
“Silly? Tara, no.” Willow unconsciously moved Tara towards her and sat her on her lap. Tara snuggled in, her body perpendicular to Willows’. Both girls had regressed back into their complete ease with one another and their open affection during the last six weeks. “Never. I understand it all better now. If I had listened to you, all of you, before… None of this would have ever happened.”
Tara lovingly draped one arm around the redheads’ shoulders. “Things happen for a reason. Remember you told me that?”
“Yeah, but I was just trying to sound all wise and whatnot. I don’t know anything about anything.” Willow chuckled lightly.
“You know that’s not true, Willow, you’re a brain.”
“Really? I thought I was a girl.” The redhead chuckled again.
Tara grinned as she tenderly squeezed Willow’s body close. “You’re *my* girl.”
Both suddenly realized what Tara had said and looked at each other expectantly. Green melted into blue as lips curled up in gentle-hearted smiles.
Tara delicately kissed Willow’s forehead and said, “I should go. I’ll see you tonight? Sheep’s Meadow, 8:30?”
Willow nodded as she watched Tara stand up off her. Her hands didn’t want to ever let her go again. “Do you need me to bring anything?”
“I got it. Thanks.” Tara smiled.
Willow held up one of Tara’s palms to her mouth and kissed it. “See you later then.”
Both didn’t let go until the last final moment of Tara’s departure from the table.
***********
Following the Solstice ritual performed by the two, they hadn’t felt so connected with each other in a long time. It was a whole body, mind and soul bond. It was like Willow was inside of Tara and Tara was inside Willow, yet both knew they were separate entities. Both girls felt each other everywhere and reveled in it.
Coming down from the rush of the second ritual, a healing ritual, Tara fed Willow seedless grapes within the circle of protection as Willow’s head rested on her lap, her other hand brushing her fingers through the red hair. The light of the full moon bathed the two girls and a light wind breezed around them.
“I have something for you.” Tara announced as she reached over into her bag and pulled out a neatly wrapped box with a bow on top.
“Tara, you didn’t have to.” The hacker replied as she sat up. Nevertheless, Willow accepted the present and opened it with a huge grin on her face. Then, as the gift registered she got quiet. “A candle?” Willow finally asked as she looked up to Tara, near tears in her eyes. “An extra flamey one?” The quiver in her voice was not lost on either girl.
Tara just sadly smiled. “Read it.” She whispered aloud to the redhead.
Willow took a deep breath before reading from the inscription encircling the candle. “I will the energy contained within this candle to heal, harmonize, and balance my being… Bring laughter to the heart and soul for my healing and happiness. May light and love surround and protect me in all my endeavors… I will it so.” A single tear fell down Willow’s cheek as she looked over at Tara again.
“So mote it be.” The blonde voiced as soon as their eyes connected.
“Tara…” Willow began to openly cry. Without any hesitation, Tara wrapped Willow up in her arms, kissing the top of her head and gently stroking her back. “What does this mean?” Willow asked as she listened to Tara’s heart beat as her head rested on her ex girlfriends chest.
“You’re my always, Willow.”
“But what does this mean?” she asked again, her voice a bit more desperate. Her eyes located hers as she sat up. “Tara…”
“It means I’m with the person I love… With the person I trust.” Tara brushed her hand softly over Willow’s cheek. She wiped the tears away.
“You trust me?” she asked not believing she’d heard the blonde say that. She’s imagined it so many times, why wouldn’t this be another figment of her imagination?
“I trust you… A-and I know you’re scared that I don’t. I do, Willow. And I’m not going to not love you or not be in a relationship with you just because one day, maybe, something may happen.”
“But-“ Tara’s eyes stopped Willow. The redhead looked down at the candle as Tara continued.
“I trust you enough to know you will do the right thing, make the right choice if anything ever were to come up again.” Tara reached over and gently pulled up Willow’s chin, raising her gaze and connecting their eyes. “I’ve seen you change so much the last eight months, don’t think I haven’t. I watched and listened, you know that. That night, Xander’s wedding, I knew. I knew you were changing. I felt it. We both were changing. I wanted to talk to you so many times after that night but I just couldn’t. I knew you had to do it alone, you had to want to do this for yourself and not because I asked you to. That’s why I didn’t ask anything of you…”
A sense of peace and warmth surrounded Willow. “Tara, I thought I’d never… I was afraid I’d never be with you again. I was so scared. I can’t lose you.”
“You wont.”
The words hung in the air for a few moments. “You trust me.” Willow smiled lightly in awe of the words she was saying.
“I do.” The blonde nodded.
“I’m going to make it up to you, Tara. I swear.” Willow said as she leaned forward and hugged her again.
Tara looked at her and replied, “There’s nothing to make up.”
“No, I-“ Tara’s lips on hers silenced Willow. Willow sighed with a slight moan as her body burned.
Tara whispered as she drew back and locked eyes with her again. “We’ll do this together.”
“Together.” Willow mouthed as she began to cry again. But Tara’s lips on hers stopped her crying. Tara’s hands caressing her face made Willow feel alive again, made her feel loved and safe. Tara’s body pressing up against hers made her whole. Willow was whole again, and so was Tara.
THE END